Final Fantasy 16 Hunt Mark Locations: FF16 Notorious Marks

Posted on by Christian Dawson

Looking for the Final Fantasy 16 Mark Locations? Final Fantasy 16 takes a different approach to the series in a variety of ways. One such method is listing all the various bosses that would have been hidden encounters in previous entries as Notorious Marks, akin to something out of Monster Hunter.

These hunts are unlocked piecemeal as players progress through the main story and sidequests. They’re critical for some of the rarer crafting materials in addition to gathering Renown for rewards.

While the FF16 Hunt Board will sometimes give a vague clue as to the whereabouts of the nasty beasties, there are several that have no hint. So, let’s take the guesswork out of the equation and show you exactly where they’re at and what you’ll get for your troubles.

Ahriman: Final Fantasy 16 Hunt Board Marks

Rank: C

Location: North of the Auldhyl Docks in Rosaria

Rewards:

  • 200 Experience
  • 25 Ability Points
  • 5000 Gil
  • 10 Renown
  • 10 Magicked Ash
  • 1 Meteorite

The Angel of Death (Aruna)

Rank: C

Location: Claireview in Sanbreque

Rewards:

  • 350 Experience
  • 40 Ability Points
  • 6200 Gil
  • 10 Renown
  • 1 Clouded Eye

Final Fantasy 16 Mark Locations: Belphegor

Rank: B

Location: South of the Broken Hilt in Rosaria

Rewards:

  • 700 Experience
  • 60 Ability Points
  • 8000 Gil
  • 20 Renown
  • 2 Dragon Talon

Dozmare

Rank: B

Location: Near the Caer Norvent River Gate in Sanbreque

Rewards:

  • 650 Experience
  • 55 Ability Points
  • 8500 Gil
  • 20 Renown
  • 1 Scarletite
  • 1 Meteorite

Sekhret

Rank: B

Location: Greensheaves in Rosaria

Rewards:

  • 800 Experience
  • 60 Ability Points
  • 8200 Gil
  • 20 Renown
  • 1 Minotaur Mane

Severian

Rank: B

Location: West of Martha’s Rest in Rosaria

Rewards:

  • 800 Experience
  • 70 Ability Points
  • 8500 Gil
  • 20 Renown
  • 1 Electrum

Muddy Murder (Flan Prince): Final Fantasy 16 Marks

Rank: A

Location: Auldhyl in Rosaria

Rewards:

  • 5200 Experience
  • 95 Ability Points
  • 12,000 Gil
  • 30 Renown
  • 1 Gelatinous Mass

A Hill to Die On (Fastitocalon)

Rank: B

Location: Near The Bandit’s Bed in Dhalmekia

Rewards:

  • 1100 Experience
  • 65 Ability Points
  • 10,000 Gil
  • 20 Renown
  • 2 Scarletite

Soul Stingers

Rank: C

Location: The Fields of Corava in Dhalmekia

Rewards:

  • 400 Experience
  • 40 Ability Points
  • 5500 Gil
  • 10 Renown
  • 50 Sharp Fang
  • 20 Bloody Hide
  • 10 Magicked Ash

Grimalkin

Rank: C

Location: The Cattery in Dhalmekia

Rewards:

  • 500 Experience
  • 45 Ability Points
  • 6100 Gil
  • 10 Renown
  • 1 Grimalkin Hide

Final Fantasy 16 Mark Locations: The Nine of Knives

Rank: A

Location: The Jaw in Dhalmekia

Rewards:

  • 5000 Experience
  • 90 Ability Points
  • 10,500 Gil
  • 30 Renown
  • 25 Wyrrite
  • 2 Meteorite

The Breaker of Worlds (Atlas)

Rank: S

Location: East of Rhiannon’s Ride in Rosaria

Rewards:

  • 15,000 Experience
  • 120 Ability Points
  • 20,000 Gil
  • 50 Renown
  • 1 Fallen Iron
  • 1 Orichalcum

Bomb King – Final Fantasy 16 Mark Locations

Rank: B

Location: The Crock in Sanbreque

Rewards:

  • 1000 Experience
  • 65 Ability Points
  • 9000 Gil
  • 20 Renown
  • 1 Bomb Ember

The Ten of Clubs

Rank: B

Location: The Fields of Corava in Dhalmekia

Rewards:

  • 2200 Experience
  • 70 Ability Points
  • 9200 Gil
  • 20 Renown
  • 1 Scarletite
  • 1 Meteorite

The Mageth BrothersMageth Brothers Hunt Board Mark Location.

Rank: A

Location: Quietsands in Rosaria

Rewards:

  • 5100 Experience
  • 90 Ability Points
  • 13,000 Gil
  • 30 Renown
  • 2 Meteorite

Svarog – FF16 Mark Locations

Rank: S

Location: East of the Glorieuse Gate in Sanbreque

Rewards:

  • 25,000 Experience
  • 300 Ability Points
  • 30,000 Gil
  • 60 Renown
  • 1 Orichalcum
  • 1 Amber
  • 1 Empty Shard

Final Fantasy 16 Mark Locations: The Pack

Rank: C

Location: South of Tabor in Dhalmekia

Rewards:

  • 700 Experience
  • 50 Ability Points
  • 5800 Gil
  • 10 Renown
  • 20 Sharp Fang
  • 50 Bloody Hide
  • 10 Magicked Ash

Dread Comet – Final Fantasy 16 Mark Locations

Rank: A

Location: Southeast of The Sickle in Dhalmekia

Rewards:

  • 5300 Experience
  • 90 Ability Points
  • 13,000 Gil
  • 30 Renown
  • 1 Comet Feather

Holy Trumpitour

Final Fantasy 16 Mark Locations (Holy Trumpitour).

Rank: B

Location: Lostwing in Sanbreque

Rewards:

  • 2200 Experience
  • 75 Ability Points
  • 9800 Gil
  • 20 Renown
  • 1 Scarletite
  • 1 Meteorite

Carrot Mark Location (Final Fantasy 16)

Rank: B

Location: The Whispering Waters in Rosaria

Rewards:

  • 2000 Experience
  • 70 Ability Points
  • 10,000 Gil
  • 20 Renown
  • 1 Morbol Tendril
  • 1 Morbol Flower

Pandemonium: FF16 Mark Locations

Rank: S

Location: Wolfdarr in Waloed

Rewards:

  • 15,000 Experience
  • 120 Ability Points
  • 20,000 Gil
  • 50 Renown
  • 1 Stained Loincloth

The Tricephalic Terror (Gorgimera)

Rank: S

Location: West of the Velkroy Desert in Dhalmekia

Rewards:

  • 15,000 Experience
  • 120 Ability Points
  • 20,000 Gil
  • 50 Renown
  • 1 Orichalcum

Gobermouch – Final Fantasy 16 Mark Locations

Final Fantasy 16 Mark Locations: Gobermouch.

Rank: A

Location: Eistla in Waloed

Rewards:

  • 4800 Experience
  • 90 Ability Points
  • 15,000 Gil
  • 30 Renown
  • 1 Primitive Battlehorn

Bygul

Bygul Mark Location in Final Fantasy 16.

Rank: A

Location: Northeast of the Ravenwit Walls Obelisk in Waloed

Rewards:

  • 8000 Experience
  • 100 Ability Points
  • 16,000 Gil
  • 45 Renown
  • 1 Couerl Whisker
  • 1 Meteorite

Agni

Rank: A

Location: North of The Edge of Infinity in Waloed

Rewards:

  • 8000 Experience
  • 100 Ability Points
  • 15,500 Gil
  • 45 Renown
  • 1 Stone Tongue

FF16 Mark Locations: Thanatos

Thanatos Mark Location (Final Fantasy 16).

Rank: A

Location: Titan’s Wake in Dhalmekia

Rewards:

  • 9000 Experience
  • 110 Ability Points
  • 17,000 Gil
  • 45 Renown
  • 1 Darksteel

Terminus – Final Fantasy 16 Mark Locations

Rank: A

Location: The Crock in Sanbreque

Rewards:

  • 3200 Experience
  • 85 Ability Points
  • 9800 Gil
  • 35 Renown
  • 2 Meteorite

Behemoth King (Final Fantasy Notorious Marks)

Final Fantasy 16 Mark Locations - Behemoth King.

Rank: S

Location: Southwest of the Vidargraes in Waloed

Rewards:

  • 20,000 Experience
  • 200 Ability Points
  • 20,000 Gil
  • 55 Renown
  • 1 Orichalcum
  • 1 Behemoth Shackle

FF16 Hunt Board Mark Locations: Kuza Beast

Rank: A

Location: Balmung Dark in Waloed

Rewards:

  • 5500 Experience
  • 90 Ability Points
  • 15,000 Gil
  • 35 Renown
  • 1 Behemoth Shackle
  • 2 Meteorite

Gizmaluk

Final Fantasy 16 Mark Locations (Gizmaluk).

Rank: A

Location: Garnick in Waloed

Rewards:

  • 3000 Experience
  • 80 Ability Points
  • 9700 Gil
  • 45 Renown
  • 1 Clouded Eye
  • 10 Sharp Fang
  • 20 Magicked Ash

Prince of Death – Final Fantasy 16 Notorious Mark

Rank: A

Location: North of Northreach in Sanbreque

Rewards:

  • 8000 Experience
  • 100 Ability Points
  • 15,000 Gil
  • 45 Renown
  • 1 Darksteel

FF16 Mark Locations – Knight of the Splendent Heart

Knight of the Splendent Heart Final Fantasy 16 Mark Location.

Rank: A

Location: Near Royal Meadows in Sanbreque

Rewards:

  • 9000 Experience
  • 105 Ability Points
  • 17,000 Gil
  • 35 Renown
  • 2 Meteorite

All 86 Mainline Mega Man Bosses Ranked by How Good of a Roommate I Think They’d Be

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Mega Man has been a staple of video games since its debut in 1987. Since then there have been 11 mainline games, each with 8 of the series’ signature Robot Masters (except the first game, which had six). Their weaknesses and backstories have all been covered exhaustively, but one analysis that’s not been done to our knowledge is a study as to which of the 86 would be the best roommates. We did our best to evaluate each Robot Master, as well as speak to former roommates of theirs when possible, and determine the proper order. Enjoy!  

86. Napalm Man (Mega Man 5)

Okay, this is pretty obvious, but this guy is just made out of rockets and napalm and shit. He’s a walking fireworks factory, and on top of the danger inherent with that (especially if you live somewhere that has earthquakes), how do you think it’s gonna go when you go to add a guy named Napalm Man to the lease? Not worth the hassle.

85. Hard Man (Mega Man 3)  

Hard Man is a big dumb son of a bitch that will never talk and will get his head stuck in the wall every couple of weeks. You should try to avoid living with him if at all possible.

84. Sword Man (Mega Man 8)

Ugh, this won’t be much of a surprise, but Sword Man is just too insufferable about swords all the time. He’ll come into the kitchen while you’re buttering toast and say, “Hm, that’s a pretty little sword,” and just leave the room. Like, did you just come in here to make fun of my butter knife? What a dick.

83. Acid Man (Mega Man 11) 

I know, I know, this would be cool if he sold acid, right? Well it’s not like that at all. This guy is really into the burning acid and has beakers of it all over his room and shit. You know it’s just a matter of time before you start wondering where your coffee mugs are. They’re filled with acid, bro.

82. Freeze Man (Mega Man 7)

Freeze Man owes me $135. I know people are really charmed by him and he always throws fun parties, but I don’t care. Give me my fucking money.

81. Blast Man (Mega Man 11) 

An ex-carnie that’s passionate about explosives. Want me to keep going?

80. Plug Man (Mega Man 9)

Ugh, you know how sometimes when you share a place it can be tough to come by spare outlets? That’s bad enough without your actual roommate crying like, “Ummm I need to plug myself in or else I’ll die!” So annoying.

79. Slash Man (Mega Man 7)

No shade, but this is just trouble waiting to happen. I’ll just come out and say the obvious; the man is made out of spikes. You want to share furniture with Slash Man? Before you say I’m being too harsh, please remember that since he’s a robot that even his spiky hair is actual spikes. No way, pal.

78. Torch Man (Mega Man 11)

A handful of these guys are always on fire, and that’s just not gonna help anyone’s prospects when they’re being evaluated on how good of a roommate they are. This guy has two fires! Sheesh. Also, it’s kind of awkward hanging out with someone who’s so clearly modeling their whole thing on Fire Man. I had a roommate in college that did that with Fred Durst. It’s not good!

77. Snake Man (Mega Man 3)

 

Snake guys, man. Bottom tier roommates. I don’t need to know anything else.

76. Frost Man (Mega Man 8) 

There’s a lot of guys on this list who’s heating or cooling requirements are huge factors, and Frost Man is freaking huge and not that bright, so it’s really hard to explain to him why the house can’t be kept at 42 degrees all day. Plus, you want this guy on your couch? I sure don’t. He’s gonna crush it!

75. Flash Man (Mega Man 2) 

Flash Man is a real piece of shit. He’ll straight up freeze time to get out of an argument he’s losing. So uncool.

74. Search Man (Mega Man 8)

Uh, this guy has two heads and is way into guns and camouflage. You need me to say anything?

73. Blade Man (Mega Man 10) 

Do you remember all those scenes in Edward Scissorhands where he’s just destroying that family’s beautiful home by accident? That’s no way to live.

72. Gravity Man (Mega Man 5) 

Gravity man is like an annoying conspiracy theorist roommate, but he just goes on and on about gravity as if there’s people that doubt its existence. That’s not even a real conspiracy theory, dude. Why don’t you just shut up about gravity already?

71. Wave Man (Mega Man 5) 

One time at a party Wave Man told me he was most comfortable on the bottom of the ocean, and that he hated being up here with us ‘Air Breathers.’ If he’s looking for a roommate up here in a dry apartment, things must have taken a turn for him, and I’m sure he would be a huge crank about it. Avoid living with Wave Man!

70. Wind Man (Mega Man 6)

Wind Man will break your heart. He tries so hard to be a good dude, but sometimes when he gets emotional or has a bad dream he still just rips everything apart with his wind powers, even though he didn’t mean to and always apologizes. I feel really, really bad putting Wind Man this low, but fair is fair.

69. Cut Man (Mega Man)

People love this guy, but sadly his best days are behind him, and he will not shut up about it! Every time some movie preview comes on TV he starts groaning and laughing sarcastically at it. You can just tell he wants you to ask him about it. No wonder no one calls you any more, dude.

68. Block Man (Mega Man 11)

Block Man does two things. He drinks and he works out. He doesn’t eat, he doesn’t sleep, he just gets raging drunk and works out while screaming. Terrible roommate!

67. Tomahawk Man (Mega Man 6)

This one is dicey because the guy is a walking stereotype, but even if he wasn’t he has a giant ax for a damn hand. Even if he changed his name and took off the headdress, you’d still have to open the door for this guy when he was carrying in groceries, and that’s pretty annoying.

66. Tornado Man (Mega Man 9)

You ever look at your kitchen and think “Ugh, it looks like a tornado went through here?” You really want that to happen four times a day?

65. Charge Man (Mega Man 5)

You might hear Charge Man and think, “Oh cool, some high tech guy I can charge my phone on,” and you couldn’t be more wrong. Charge Man is a locomotive themed Robot Master. If you take one thing away from this list, let it be this: Don’t move in with a coal-powered roommate. They fuck the walls all up with that smoke.

Pages: 1 2 3 4

Chiropractor Mario Insists You Call Him “Doctor”

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Local plumber and chiropractor Mario Mario is facing criticism after reports surfaced claiming that he had been misleading his clients into believing that he had obtained a medical degree.

“I just wish he had been up front with me,” said patient Brian Kinopio, who said he had initially been referred to Mario for treatment of back pain by his previous primary physician. “He was telling me all these things that my old doctor was apparently doing wrong. He said I should start seeing him instead, and he would get me truly aligned. Well, my back is worse than ever, and I’ve missed several annual cancer screenings that people my age are supposed to get. And yet he still corrects me if I don’t address him as ‘Dr.’ Mario. It’s just shameless.”

Dr. Toadley, an accredited physician who runs a clinic in Toad town, strongly rebuked Mario’s claims, which he characterized as deceptive.

“Is chiropractic medicine evidence-based? No, it is not,” said Toadley, who claimed to know literally everything. “Would a chiropractor understand how to perform essential medical procedures like hypnotism and seeing the future in a crystal ball? No, they would not. They only know mystical nonsense that the founder claimed he learned from the ghost of a dead doctor. Seriously, that’s what chiropractic is based on. Look it up.”

Despite the amount of public criticism, Mario was not shy about defending himself.

“I complete-a the three years-a required education,” said Mario, who was wearing a lab coat and head mirror despite the fact that he was not at his practice. “I take-a the state-a test for my license. I put in-a the work! I perform-a the procedures to relieve-a vertebral subluxation and-a rid my patients of-a contagious disease-a! I deserve-a the respect!” 

At press time, Dry Bones was seen entering Mario’s clinic, where the receptionist welcomed him as the practice’s best patient.

Wizard Burns the Fuck Out of Hand Shooting Fireball

Posted on by Jacob Colliver

SMORGBOTH’S CASTLE — Cassium, a local Wizard casting Fireball for the first time earlier today was surprised to learn that it hurts to have 2000-degree flames pouring out of his skin.

“Oh sweet Gods,” the severely-scalded spellcaster moaned from a medic’s bed after battle. “This hurts so goddamn much. I don’t know why I just assumed that it’d travel in a safe, self-contained arc towards an opponent. That’s literally the opposite of what fire does. You can’t even stop, drop and roll on a cobblestone dungeon floor. Ow. Owowowowow.”

The incident occurred when Cassium’s party spotted a lone Kobold during a routine dungeon crawl. Without approaching the creature or even consulting his colleagues, the Wizard stretched casually, exclaimed “check this shit out,” and immediately detonated his right arm in white-hot flame.

After some agonized flailing, Cassium’s team managed to beat the fire away using dirt and some cloth armor, mostly provided by the now-concerned Kobold.

“You see it all the time,” local Cleric Agapanthi explained. “You get these young, overly-confident magic practitioners, all worked up over their first epic quest, and they want to look like hot shit in front of the new party. Well, if you ignore basic occupational health and safety procedures, you’ll certainly be hot. The next time you try and cast something well above your level-grade, ask yourself: are you wearing long, ignitable sleeved robes? Is your beard bushy and unkempt from a lifestyle of traveling? Are you carrying a gnarled and extremely flammable wooden staff on your person? It’s common sense, people.”

“My advice to all young adventurers: be a Barbarian,” they added. “You just get mad about stuff. It’s super easy. Don’t overcomplicate things.”

The incident has renewed interest in Wizard safety, following a string of recent self-electrocutions, acid burns and frostbite. The Healers Guild recommend Wizards wear thick rubber boots, flame-retardant jackets and bright reflective vests, which they admit “sucks a lot of the mysticism” out of the profession.

“I just refuse to do it, now,” veteran Wizard representative Slothetir grizzled. “Way too dangerous. One time, we traversed a mystical mine to rescue a Dwarven king, and there’s this hallway lined with torches that’d release him from a goblin trap if you lit them all simultaneously. Of course, everyone turns to me, expecting life and limb. I didn’t see our oh-so-fearless Paladin sticking a singed hand up to do it.”

“I say no and tell them it’s a new union thing,” she said. “Our Archer calls bullshit and gets all up in my face; I say, how much gold are YOUR fingers worth? Well, to cut a long story short, our Beast Tamer died fighting a goblin horde and we started a Dwarven constitutional crisis, but at least I can still play the piano.”

As of press time, Cassium’s hope to perform a second Fireball attempt, while simultaneously casting a Freezing Sphere to “level it out this time,” has led his party to formally distance themselves.

Study: Cops Exclusively Target Cars With Only One Balloon Left

Posted on by Patrick Sullivan

WASHINGTON — A study released by the ACLU this week revealed that a vast majority of traffic stops committed by police officers were for cars with only one balloon left.

“Society has deprived these people of their balloons,” said Anthony Romero, Executive Director of the ACLU, while presenting the findings of the report. “Instead of offering a mushroom to help them get back on their feet, officers are pushing them further down, usually with a bob-omb or some kind of banana.”

The shocking report covers decades of police stops, spanning from routine traffic stops to stops involving the little Lakitu pulling cars back onto the road.

“At the end of the day, we have a quota for cars taken off the road, not for balloons popped,” said officer Lloyd Sherman, a lieutenant of the Chicago Police. “Why would we spend department time and resources going after an individual with three or four balloons when we can hock a green shell at a single mom and call it a day.”

Sherman answered questions surrounding the report at the department’s sixteenth damage control press conference of the week.

“I don’t know why people are remotely surprised about this,” continued Sherman. “Instead of blaming us, what the public needs to do is pull up their bootstraps and work under the pretense that maybe eventually they’ll be given a mushroom and a chance for another balloon.”

Sherman was not available for further comment as he is currently suspended with pay under investigation of using a Bullet Bill to skip through several lanes of traffic.

Link Solves Puzzle of Income Inequality by Attaching a Bunch of Logs Together

Posted on by Patrick Sullivan

HYRULE KINGDOM — Famed adventurer and Princess Zelda’s swordsman, Link, has reportedly solved an income inequality barrier between classes in Hyrule by making a really long bridge out of logs.

“I don’t get it, we’ve been trying to solve this issue for decades and the bridge he superglued together made more sense than anything we’ve ever tried,” said Eliza Bellworth, royal treasurer and economics professor at University of Hyrule. “He didn’t even say anything. I don’t think he noticed we were there, he just walked out of one of those green shrines, quickly built something capable of bridging the poverty gap, then teleported away.”

“It really just felt like we were supposed to do something more specific. Fairies for All or free universal college or something,” she added. “But nope. It was the same solution as everything else: gluing a bunch of logs together.”

Further investigation and translation of ancient Zonai text revealed that a shrine had the answer for income inequality for literally thousands of years, but held it hidden in a locked chest on a really high up ledge.

“Gotta keep it real here, I did not think this one through,” said the ghost of Rauru, the first king of Hyrule. “I was running out of ways to test Link, so I just threw this together with the hint ‘Courage to Solve the Income Inequality and Inequity Crisis Between The Citizens of Hyrule and The Ruling Class,’ which in hindsight might’ve been a big nudge. I figured he would use the Invisible Hand and instead he used the Ultra Hand.”

“I never expected him to solve it by just fusing some dead trees together,” continued Rauru. “As a king, it was in my best interest for that shit to stay unsolved.”

When asked to comment about his log-based wealth redistribution, Link simply summoned a hoverbike held together with duct tape and flew away.

Marvel Snap Phoenix Force Deck Guide: Best Decks to Try

Posted on by Parker Johnson

The newest Marvel Snap card, Phoenix Force, has arrived with the Season Pass for July 2023: Rise of the Phoenix. The Phoenix Force is a very powerful character, merging with many hosts throughout its existence. The Marvel Snap version of the character comes with a very interesting ability to reflect this merging ability. The card’s text reads: “On Reveal: Revive one of your destroyed cards and merge with it. That card can move each turn.”

This resurrection brings the resurrected card’s ability to the Phoenix Force. This ability combines quite naturally with many strong move cards, like Human Torch and Vulture. However, it also requires some destroy capability alongside it to truly succeed. How can you make the most of the new card? Read on to find our picks for the best Phoenix Force decks in Marvel Snap.

Phoenix Force Destroy Deck

One of the most obvious ways to apply the Phoenix Force is to simply add it to an existing destroy deck. A lot of the staples here work the same: destroy your cards to make them stronger, building up your power on Knull and working down on the energy cost of Death. The Phoenix Force can simply add location flexibility and unexpected effects to help throw off your opponents.

Phoenix Force Move Deck With Destroy Elements

The other way to take advantage of the new July season card is to boost a move deck. A lot of the powerful cards in a move deck remain the same here. Use movement cards like Iron Fist, Ghost-Spider, and Cloak to improve cards like Dagger, Human Torch, and Vulture. Then, use Venom or Killmonger to target the card(s) you want to eliminate. Venom is optimal here, ensuring no power goes to waste. You can target one to ensure that Phoenix Force revives the card you want, or simply aim to boost Venom the best you can. Reviving Vulture, Dagger, or Human Torch with Phoenix Force is a great idea, guaranteeing an incredibly powerful, far less predictable card.

Phoenix Force – Marvel Snap Card Overview

Overall, it seems like the Phoenix Force card, like fellow recent move/destroy card Spider-Man 2099, will likely have a negligible effect on the meta in its current state. It requires a hybrid of two already relatively weak deck archetypes in the current meta (move & destroy.) Even then, there is an element of randomness to bringing a card back that has been destroyed that is hard to control. However, the card has a ton of potential that can be explored. If you would rather wait for that time to try out Phoenix Force, check out our picks for the best Marvel Snap conquest decks!

Twitter Announces New Summer Hours

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SAN FRANCISCO — Twitter CEO Elon Musk announced a change to Twitter’s operating hours for the summertime earlier today, which will see the platform opening a little later each day and closing at dusk. 

“Due to some unforeseen scraping issues, we’re taking our advertising-and-subscription-based platform down for 12 hours a day starting tomorrow,” said Musk, in a Tweet that he also liked. “Believe me when I say that this is a logical business decision that was not influenced at all by any unpaid bills. Not at all. We’re really just trying to entice people to become Twitter Blue subscribers.  This summer, paid users will be able to access Twitter a half hour before we open every day as well as tweet the n-word as much as they want without consequence.”

“Just kidding about that last part,” he added “No one faces consequences for that.” 

Users were frustrated but understood the need for summer hours. 

“At first I didn’t get it,” said Curtis Locke, a local Twitter user that was surprised to find the website inaccessible at 11 p.m. “But then I remembered the restaurant I worked at as a teenager. It’s kind of like that. It would get slower during the summer, so they’d cut back the hours. Then a new manager took over and somehow lit his dick on fire by accident and when he ran out into the restaurant lobby screaming ‘My dick is on fire! Help, help, my dick burns!’ no one really knew what to do or how to help him so everyone just stood there watching and videotaping this guy with the flaming dick as he cried. It’s kind of like that.” 

“Then he started punching himself in the dick to get the fire to go out and we all just lost it,” he continued. “Except there were these three weirdos who kept talking about what a savvy way that is to put out the fire. I always thought that part was pretty strange. They saw a man on fire punching himself in the dick and thought he was the smartest guy in the room.” 

Twitter’s controversial new summer hours will go into effect immediately. When asked about how the unpopular changes might affect relations with Twitter’s Saudi financiers that famously got away with murdering an American journalist, Musk replied, “looking into it.” 

Every Starter Pokémon Ranked by How Easily I Could Convince My Mom They’re a Real Creature

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

We all know the struggle of choosing your first partner Pokémon at the beginning of a new game. Should you peek at their evolutions to check for type coverage? Maybe take the one that will fare best against the first few gyms? Just go purely by stats? Well, if you’re sick of comparing and contrasting Bulbasaur’s Special Attack with Squirtle’s Defense, I’ve got a new system for selecting your starter Pokémon: go with the one that my mom would think was a living, breathing animal. Here’s a helpful guide!

#29 — Pikachu

Come on, guys. Pikachu is the face of the franchise. There’s no way my mom wouldn’t recognize him, no matter how I presented it. She’d see the picture and go, “Oh, look, it’s Pokey-man!”

#28 — Charmander

My mom understands that dinosaurs are extinct. She read me several picture books about dinosaurs in the early-to-mid 90s, and in every single one, they were extinct by modern day. She would call my bluff on this one.

#27 — Cyndaquil

It would be a really hard sell to convince her that there’s an animal who is just constantly on fire. I could try to say that it’s actually just a tragic picture of a poor critter burning to death, but, in that case, she would probably refuse to engage at all.

#26 — Scorbunny

This is a Saturday morning cartoon character. She wouldn’t recognize it as a Pokémon, but she would be like, “Hey, that rabbit is walking on its hind legs and has a band-aid on its face. It’s literally playing soccer. That’s not a real animal.”

#25 — Fuecoco

When I was a kid, I won a stuffed animal that looked just like Fuecoco at a fair and carried it around with me everywhere. I think that association would make my mom suspect something. Even if she didn’t, she would definitely embarrass me by bringing up how hard I cried when I lost the plushy at Disney. I’m not letting her see Fuecoco.

#24 — Oshawott

The sticking point here is obviously the clam on its belly. What kind of real animal has a perfect image of its staple food on its abdomen? Absolutely none. Only a Pokémon would have something like that.

#23 — Chimchar

So this guy is also on fire, but if I find a picture from the right angle, I might be able to convince her that it’s just a species of ape that has mastered the creation of fire. I mean, chimps use tools, right? Still a long shot, but I’ve got better odds than with Cyndaquil or Charmander.

#22 — Bulbasaur

My mom likes to garden. She understands the difference between plants and animals. I’m not optimistic about my chances when it comes to persuading her that there exists on this planet some unholy marriage of the two.

#21 — Sprigatito

Cats aren’t green. It simply isn’t done.

#20 — Chespin

I could try to present it as a cute animal in a costume, but I feel like she would immediately ask me what kind of animal it was and I would freeze. I honestly can’t even tell you what it’s based on. Like, an otter or sloth or something? It’s making me uncomfortable thinking about it.

#19 — Froakie

I would attempt to sell Froakie as a rabid frog, but I’d fail. I’ve got a good amount of “Um, actually” in me, and I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from explaining that only mammals can get rabies. Honestly, this isn’t even a bit, I just want to make it clear that I know that a frog couldn’t contract rabies.

#18 — Chikorita

Dude’s got body jewelry and a weird haircut. Not only would my mom disbelieve, she would disapprove.

#17 — Totodile

She would realize that crocodiles don’t stand on two legs, but wouldn’t guess that it was a Pokémon. She’d be like, “Oh, is this one of the monsters from your Godzilla movies?” But what exactly makes them “my” Godzilla movies, mom? There are millions of tokusatsu enthusiasts in the United States alone.

#16 — Popplio

Popplio looks pretty close to an actual seal, so you would think this one would be easy. Nope. The guy is a breakfast cereal mascot. She would think I was trying to drop a hint and would forcibly send me home with every box of Cheerios in the house.

#15 — Snivy

The popped collar is a problem. My mom would say, “Oh! Like you tried to do in high school but everyone made fun of you!” and I would immediately give up trying to convince her Snivy was real and start defending the choices I made during my awkward years.

Pages: 1 2

Hyrule Castle Guard Claims Wooden Beams Above Head Are Outside His Jurisdiction

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

HYRULE — A guard stationed in Hyrule Castle’s courtyard has clarified his assigned duties after a recent series of security breaches.

“I have very specific orders when it comes to my patrol,” said Stritch Kasuto, who has been a member of the Royal Guard for 15 years. “I walk in a circle around a wooden pillar set between a couple of hedges, stopping periodically to look left and right. There used to be some Rupees lying on the ground that I would keep an eye on, but those just disappeared one day. The union contract doesn’t mention anything about watching for people walking on the pergola above me, no matter how loud or obvious they’re being. It’s like we learned in training: our job isn’t to catch trespassers, it’s to get home safely to our families in Kakariko Village every night.”

Impa, personal guard to Princess Zelda and director of all castle security operations, dismissed public concerns about the safety of the Royal Family in light of this information.

“The disrespect I’ve been hearing about our guards is completely uncalled for,” said Impa, speaking to reporters after a royal reception for Ganondorf, King of the Gerudo. “These guards represent the best of us and deserve deference from the citizens of Hyrule. The media pushes these misleading narratives in an attempt to divide and weaken us. If you look at the numbers my office has released, the night guard actually has a 100% success rate.”

Despite these reassurances, accused trespasser Ulrira Juggler says that his firsthand experience proves the defenses at the castle are inadequate.

“I was trying to get a look at Princess Zelda,” said Juggler, whose name does not appear on any offender registries. “It was a piece of cake to get by the guards. I could tell they saw me, but I knew if I kept my distance, they wouldn’t hassle me. I was only caught because I got stuck in a drain hole and started screaming. They didn’t even arrest me. They said it would be too much paperwork. I heard they’ve increased the patrols, but that’s just a scam for them to earn more overtime.”

The Castle Guard Union was unable to provide comment before press time, as they were busy investigating a grievance claim regarding an incident where a guard was ordered to look behind a hedge.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.