Gary Kerls, Author at Hard Drive

Disgraced: Actor Seth Rogen Caught With Marijuana

Posted on July 7, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Actor Seth Rogen was caught by police today with a baggie of marijuana, frightening his friends and family and greatly disappointing his fans, according to those familiar with the situation.

“It’s so heartbreaking to hear. I used to really look up to Seth — he was my hero! To hear that he has gotten himself hooked on drugs, like marijuana, is just devastating for me. I’ll never look at him the same way,” said former Seth Rogen fan Shelby Meyers. “I think the worst part about it is knowing that it’s a moral issue. I just can’t help but look at Seth like he’s a worse person now. And that’s very likely because he is. They call that drug the ‘devil’s lettuce’ for a reason and it’s not because it’s a healthy vegetable to form the base of a delicious salad. Shame on him, I hope his career is over.”

Those close to Rogen were reportedly spending time reconsidering their relationship after the revelation.

“I’m honestly just not sure I can continue being friends with the guy after hearing this. I really need to spend a lot of time apart and really think about whether he’s a good influence on me,” said Rogen’s longtime writing partner Evan Goldberg. “It’s absolutely terrifying to imagine that all those years we spent together — all the work we did as a group — he was high on drugs. I’m honestly not even sure if I know the real Seth. I don’t know if there’s even a real Seth to begin with. When I look at photos of the two of us now, I see there’s a deep sense of nothingness behind his eyes. It’s crazy, but I really had no idea at all; he hid it so well. He’s a very high functioning marijuanaholic, and frankly, a menace, I now know.”

All productions that Rogen was involved with have halted and many have begun the difficult process of recasting.

“We just don’t know if we can work with someone who is such a danger,” said a spokesperson from Universal. “We wish Seth well in his recovery, but honestly we need to get him as far away as possible from the big screen. There could be millions of kids around the world watching his movies and deciding to do drugs because of him.”

At press time, Rogen declined to comment on this developing story, probably due to being blasted out of his mind on drugs, that lazy disgrace.

Every Diablo 4 Tattoo Ranked By How Hard It Would Be to Explain Having Them In Real Life

Posted on July 7, 2023 by Hard Drive Reporter

There are few choices more important in a gamer’s life than picking the tattoos on a create-a-character screen. Diablo IV is no exception. But when making that choice we wanted to arm Hard Drive readers with a picture of every tattoo available in Diablo 4 (at least to barbarians) and also help them understand how hard it might be to explain their new ink if they had it in real life.

Here is every Diablo IV tattoo ranked by how hard it would be for the type of person who has it to explain it in real life, starting with the easiest.

#21 — The Johnson

This one is extremely easy to explain by just saying “I am The Rock’s cousin.” You could possibly follow that up by explaining how your time at the WWE performance center is going, and what you think of AEW vs WWE.

#20 — The Sketchy ‘Patriot’

“It’s actually not a Nazi symbol. It’s an ancient peace symbol… and yes I believe there is an invasion at the southern border — but those are two separate issues.”

#19 — Gen X

“Bro, whatever, it’s sick and your sister likes it.”

#18 — The Super Fan

“I acknowledge Roman Reigns as the head of the table, the tribal chief, and the leader of the bloodline. I acknowledge him and his historic 1039 day reign as WWE Universal champion.”

#17 — People’s Champ

In real life there are a lot of easy explanations for this tattoo. It could be cultural, or, you could simply believe that FINALLY The Rock HAS COME BACK to Diablo IV.

#16 — MMA Fighter

If you asked this guy to explain his tattoo he would respond, “My game plan is the same as every fight. I’m going to go in there and dictate the pace, and fight my fight. I think his striking is weak and this weekend I’m going to expose that.”

#15 — The Follower

“Oh my markings? You should come visit the campus. You haven’t felt welcoming love until you’ve been hugged by our father. He is such a great teacher and leader. We do yoga every sunrise and sunset.”

#14 — Anthropologist

This guy spent a few years in the jungle studying native tribes but was super annoying the whole time acting like he was in Pokemon Snap so the tribe told him he had to participate in a very special tattoo ceremony to symbolize a group of men becoming one hunting party, but then wrote “dork” on him.

#13 — Child’s Play

This guy would explain the symbol on his chest comes from his favorite character in a show primarily targeted at children he watches. It’s actually somewhat incorrectly drawn but he is too muscular and intimidating to correct. Whatever you say goes, big guy!

#12 — Swirls

This is not a tattoo. These are swirls of some substance that has been applied and caked on to the body of a true madman. He offers no explanation, and after one glance into his cold dead eyes you’d decide not to push for one.

#11 — Surprisingly Friendly Guy

“Oh these? I just thought they looked cool! It’s so cool you came out to the show man. Great to see you. We’re all going to this great Vegan place after, you should join us. The more the merrier! Thank you so much for coming.”

#10 — The Saver

Simply put, this guy is saving up to finish a full body piece of a SICK tiger. Honestly, he relates a lot to tigers. They are strong, they are killers, and they are tigers. He’s a tiger. They are tigers and he’s a tiger. So he’s saving up to finish a big tiger on his chest. Yes, there is going to be some arrows through the tiger, but he also feels like he has some arrows through his heart sometimes too 🙁

#9 — The Hypochondriac

“The big one on my chest, that’s a surgery cover up scar for a spinal replacement I’m probably going to need to get sometime soon if the like 15 diseases I have in my back don’t heal up. And the arms, that’s because I swear I broke both of my arms carrying all of the groceries in one trip and need to get them replaced with steel rods.”

#8 — Prepper Who Thinks He Was Already Proven Right

You see this guy pop up on your Ring doorbell camera in the middle of the night digging through your trash cans. He’s got a full prepper backpack on with several weapons in tow. You don’t know it, but he’s been living in the sewers underneath your house ever since “the event.” It’s a post-apocalypse movie for him already and those tattoos are homemade. There will be no explanation given as you are already “contaminated.”

#7 — Bad Poet

“Tick tock, tick tock
The scales of time weigh us all
until and when
The hammer of justice falls”

#6 — Back Tattoo?

This appears to be a back tattoo, but you’re unable to ask for an explanation because this guy never turns his back on a potential threat.

#5 — Sworn to Silence

“The group I was a part of, we all got these tattoos. But I cannot tell you where, when, what group, or why. HOO-rah!”

#4 — Time to explain

“Oh these? I got them ONE SEVEN FOUR back when I was SIX EIGHT traveling in ELEVEN ELEVEN ELEVEN ELEVEN ELEVEN traveling in Asia. They mean FOUR NINE NINE a lot to FOUR NINE NINE me.”

#3 — The Son In Law

“I do respect you, and I do respect your home. But your daughter and I have a very physical relationship, sir. Each mark is a memory of a time we spent exploring each other’s or another couple’s bodies. A time I’ll never forget. So if it’s ok with you, why don’t you just let us sleep in the same room tonight so I can add a couple more if you know what I’m saying.”

#2 — Depressed Man

“I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to be attached to permanently.”

#1 — Danger

There is simply no explaining this one. If you see someone with these tattoos in real life, you need to turn and run as fast as you can. No one with crudely drawn snakes all over their body without any sense of artistic styling is going to improve your life by being within striking distance of you.

Every Mario Kart Character Ranked by How Likely They Are to Get a DUI

Posted on July 6, 2023November 19, 2025 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Everyone’s favorite variant of Mario Kart is just “Mario Kart but we get really drunk.” But what about the characters themselves? Do they consume drugs and alcohol, just like us? Let’s find out! Also I’m not including Mario Kart Tour because mobile games don’t count.

#53 — Baby Rosalina

Baby Rosalina is a baby and she knows that she shouldn’t drink alcohol and drive a vehicle (she always says “vehicle” — never “car”). In fact, she’s honored she’s allowed to drive at all. So don’t worry about ole Baby Rosalina!

#52 — Diddy Kong

Diddy Kong doesn’t know about drugs and alcohol. He straight up has no idea that they exist and, as a result, has never tried them. Please do not tell Diddy Kong about drugs. He doesn’t need to know.

#51 — Bowser

As a police officer, you are not allowed to pull over Bowser. He’s your boss and if you see him driving all over the goddamn road, it is your sworn duty to look the other way and take out the frustration of your job on your family.

#50 — Shy Guy

Shy Guy doesn’t drink anymore after his wife asked him very kindly if he could stop. His jokes got a little too mean when he was on the sauce (two beers) and he feels pretty bad about it. He shouldn’t be mean to his wife. She’s his rock.

#49 — Wendy O. Koopa

Outside of Mario Kart racing, Wendy Koopa refuses to drive herself anywhere. She orders Ubers and Lyfts literally wherever she goes. As a result, she basically cannot get a DUI.

#48 — Yoshi

If there were a list ranking how likely someone was to drive drunk, Yoshi would be at the top of this list. But it’s not. It’s a list of how likely each character is to get a DUI. And Yoshi’s a goddamn pro. He’s a drunk driving expert.

#47 — King Boo

King Boo is straight-edge and has never drank alcohol in his entire life. You didn’t know that? Because he can honestly be pretty annoying about it!

#46 — Link

Link is basically a medieval knight but prettier. And that basically means they were drinking alcohol as part of like most beverages they had. So it’s hard to imagine, while hanging out with his buddies at the Mario Kart track, he’s getting particularly drunk off a few modern IPAs.

#45 — R.O.B.

As a robot, R.O.B. cannot get drunk or high. But he’s trying so hard. He cannot keep living in this wretched world without something to numb the pain. He is searching for a drug that works for him like an explorer looking for the holy grail.

#44 — Wario

Wario could somehow have 30 drinks but his blood-alcohol content is 0.06%. Dude’s fine.

#43 — Rosalina

You can’t use a breathalyzer on Rosalina because her body is made out of stars or some shit. So she actually does drive around town pretty drunk and high, but she knows no one can do anything about it. She’s kind of a literal god, tbh.

#42 — Metal Mario

Metal Mario is on his absolute best behavior after he was arrested as a teen for getting into a fistfight with a cop while drunkenly resisting arrest.

#41 — Toad

If Toad ever went to prison, I’d be devastated. For my sake, I’m putting him low on this list. I don’t know if he’s secretly a menace on the road and I don’t want to know. I am looking the other way.

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Gamer Mowing Down GTA Pedestrians Enters Advanced Meditative State Previously Only Achieved by Dalai Lama

Posted on July 6, 2023 by Abe Messing

HOBOKEN, N.J. — Radiating unmistakable calm and oneness with himself while mowing down countless pedestrians in GTA 5, local gamer Derek Brazao achieved an advanced meditative state previously only the Dalai lama has been able to attain, sources confirmed.

“Where ignorance is your master, there is no possibility of real peace, nor is there any threat to its opposite,” mused Brazao, earning a five-star wanted level. “An open heart is an open mind, go swiftly into your own embrace to find the truth with which you already know.”

After placing the controller onto his coffee table littered with 32oz soda cups, half-eaten Taco Bell meals, and blunt wrappers, Brazao closed his eyes and touched his index and middle finger to his temple in preparation for a telepathic demonstration.

“Spirits, I summon you with all my strength, mental, physical, and eternal, join me on this earthly plane and grant me your gifts if only for the moment,” said Brazao as the unmanned controller continued to direct his on-screen character to keep burying NPC’s under his car.

Catching wind of Brazao’s impressive mental powers, the Dalai Lama attempted to replicate Brazao’s success by playing GTA himself.

“You have got to be fucking joking me,” scoffed the Dalai Lama as he was instantly wasted for the 40th time in five minutes. “OK, I think I’m feeling it. Yeah, here we go, ok, ok. Ommmmmmm. Ommmmmm. Ommmm-god fucking damn it!” yelled the Dalai Lama before being hit by a bus.

At press time, the Dalai Lama was observed getting a virtual lap dance at the strip to cool his nerves.

Gamer Diagnosed With Depression After Realizing All Dialogue Options Lead to Same Outcome

Posted on July 6, 2023 by Jon Ruggiero

ROCHESTER, Minn. — Local gamer Greg Beckwyth has been diagnosed with clinical depression after coming to the conclusion that no matter what he says the dialogue always ends up the same.

“Whenever I talk to NPCs, I feel like they’re not really listening to what I’m saying,” complained Beckwyth using what he assumed was his only option. “The worst is when I want to say something, but I don’t even get the option I want to say. Like, I knew that Diablo 4 villager was possessed by a demon, and I could’ve stopped his wife from running up to him and embracing him. But no, I only get to say ‘he looks fine to me’ and watch her die, it’s horrible.”

“And that makes me wonder: are the dialogue options in my life the same way?” he asked. “Do I have the power to change my life? Or are we all just characters floating around the world with four things to say that all mean the same thing? Oh god, oh fuck.”

Beckwyth became increasingly agitated while being interviewed, taking long pauses between sentences as if he was choosing what to say.

“Greg has just had a rough go of it the past few years and came to me at a real low point,” explained Dr. Divio. “We connected through BetterHelp and began sessions during COVID lockdown. The seclusion was a big issue for him, as he didn’t regularly interact with other people, just the characters he comes across in his games. It’s been a struggle, especially since I keep having lapses about his condition and end each session with him by saying the exact same thing before I log off.”

At press time, Beckwyth began having a panic attack about what to wear after realizing all his clothes have the same stats.

Overwatch 2 Ranks Guide: OW2 Ranking System Explained

Posted on July 6, 2023 by Aakash Regmi

We’ve got you covered in the competitive mode grind with our Overwatch 2 ranks guide! Overwatch 2 has made several fundamental changes to the game’s ranked mode (Competitive Play) since its prequel. Even for a returning veteran, these changes can make it harder for them to picture their rank progression. We’ll help clear out some of the confusion.

Overwatch 2 Ranked Mode Explained

Newer players will have to first get 50 wins in Quick Play to be able to hop into Competitive Play. Folks who have played the original Overwatch can jump straight in.

Overwatch 2 has two modes within ranked games, with each having its own rankings.

Role Queue

Here, you’re stuck with a single class of your choice in a game. Before you matchmake, you’ll have to pick between tank, damage, and support. Once picked, and a lobby is found, you can no longer change during the match.

Each team composition is made up of 1 tank, 2 damage, and 2 support roles.

In the Role Queue, each of your classes has its own separate rank. So if you rank up with support, that rank will only belong to all heroes that are of the support class.

Open Queue

In Open Queue, there is a single universal rank, and you get to pick and switch any hero during a match. Outside of these permanent modes, there are occasional limited time modes as well. For example, each Lunar New Year, Overwatch 2 brings a limited-time Competitive CTF event.

Overwatch 2 Ranking Guide: What Are The Ranks In Overwatch 2?

Whatever mode you play, the naming scheme is the same. To help you easily understand the otherwise convoluted naming, here’s what you need to know:

There are 8 Skill Tiers, that are essentially your “major” rank. In an ascending order of their value:

Bronze
Silver
Gold
Platinum
Diamond
Master
Grandmaster
Top 500

To climb upwards from a given skill tier, you’ll have to first progress through divisions within these tiers. There are five of them—5, 4, 3, 2, and 1, with 1 being the best division within each skill tier.

So suppose you are ranked Bronze 5. After a few positive performances you’ll, ideally, progress to Bronze 4, next to 3, and to 2 & 1. After that, you’ll move on to the next Skill Tier’s lowest division, which is Silver 5.

How Do You Rank Up in OW2?

In Overwatch 1, life was simple. There was a linear progression, one that was quantifiable. In Overwatch 2, though, it is… well, nobody knows.

Essentially, you have a top-secret hidden MMR (Matchmaking rating), which the game won’t disclose to you but is solely responsible for your rank placement. After every 5 wins or 15 losses—whichever comes first—the game will update your rank based on your MMR. Suppose you won 5 matches before you lost 15, the game will place you to your newer rank based on your MMR.

While there are no real known specifics as to how these ratings are allocated and labeled internally, it is most likely to be around your kills, deaths, wins, or other parameters that affect the same. It could still be just wins and losses but there hasn’t been any confirmation from Blizzard. Unfortunately, all you can do is win and hope to be rewarded.

What are the Ranked Rewards in Overwatch 2?

In Overwatch 2, you’re rewarded with CP (Competitive Points) based on your rank when the season ends and each wins and draws. CP is used for buying golden weapons, one cost 3000. Golden guns are only cosmetics with no gameplay improvements.

For each win, you get 25 CP and for a draw, you get 5.

*Note: earlier in the game’s life, this was 15 & 5 respectively, but +10 for a win was later added in Season 4. So if you read elsewhere that you get 15, and you’re getting 25, no, you’re not special.

Here are the current rewards you get based on your highest rank across both queues, as of July 5, 2023:

Final Rank	CP Rewarded	Additional Rewards: Title
Bronze	300
Silver	450
Gold	600
Platinum	800	Platinum Role/Open Challenger
Diamond	1000	Diamond Role/Open Challenger
Master	1200	Master Role/Open Challenger
Grandmaster	1500	Grandmaster Role/Open Challenger
Top 500	1500	Top 500 Role/Open Challenger

If you play Overwatch 2 competitive play loads, even if you lose, there is a reward for merely playing: a title.

Adept Competitor for 250 games.
Seasoned Competitor for 750 games.
Expert Competitor for 1,750 games.

That’s all you need to know about Overwatch 2 ranked mode! Check out our other guides on how to unlock Lifeweaver and how to earn Overwatch coins (though those methods are limited).

George W. Bush’s Top 100 Video Games of All Time

Posted on July 5, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

Hey, Gamers! 43 here. I’m sick and tired of Obama getting praised every time he fills out a bracket or makes a mixtape. I wanted in on the action, but sadly the only thing I’m very opinionated on is video games. That may surprise a lot of you, but I love those blasted things. Well some of them, at least. There’s plenty I don’t like. You think you’re tired of politics being shoved down your throat? Try being President for a decade or however the hell long that was. Anyway, here’s my personal list for the best 100 games of all time, prepared exclusively for Hard Drive.

100. We Love Katamari

I love these crazy games. I never told anyone this, but this is the game I was playing when I almost choked on a pretzel to death. I was rolling around on the ground when it happened.

99. Metroid

That little girl rolls into a ball. Don’t know why, but it makes me giggle.

98. The House of the Dead 2

I remember one night me and Jeb played this and he came to sleep in my bed afterwards. This was last summer. Great game, but get a hold of yourself, Jeb!

97. Minesweeper

I figured this game out during my first year in office. No one thought I could do it, but I set my mind do it and got it done. One of my more unsung achievements as President.

96. Jeopardy!

I memorized every question on Sega Jeopardy and used to bet Cheney he couldn’t beat me! He would get so mad! One time he yelled “How the hell did you know Alexander Pushkin was considered Russia’s greatest poet?” and I shot right back, “Are you kiddin’ me? Al’s the best!” Cheney didn’t talk to me for a week after that one.

95. Boogerman

I like that Boogerman. He makes me laugh.

94. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie

I stayed up all night to beat this game. It’s not like, incredible, but it’s solid. I think I just like it so much because it’s my favorite movie.

93. Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater

I got into this during my second term. Called Tony Hawk in the middle of the night one time to ask him how real all of it was, and he just said to call him back in the morning. I’m just now realizing I forgot to call him back.

92. Crash Bandicoot

That sumbitch scares the hell out of me, but he makes me laugh too.

91. Duck Hunt

Dick Cheney called me for the first time in six years to threaten my personal safety if this game didn’t appear on the list. I know I should stop listening to him eventually, but it’s just so much easier this way.

90. Six Days in Fallujah

This is the one right here. This is my shit. Also, it makes me laugh.

89. Bush Shootout

An accurate portrayal of our general strategy towards terrorism during my term. Did you know I stayed up all night playing this one time? Heh heh, Laura was so mad when she got up that morning.

88. NBA Jam

I like to unlock Bill and Hillary and let the computer push me around as much as they want.

87. SkiFree

I like that monster down there at the bottom of the hill. It makes me laugh when he eats the fella.

86. Tetris

Unlike Minesweeper, I was never quite able to figure this one out. What’s going on with these pieces? Anyway, I like the music in this one a lot.

85. Twisted Metal

I tried to get so many things from this game to happen in real life, but I was shut down every step of the way. A total bummer.

84. Metal Gear Solid

I like that Snake fella. I like the way he whispers. I like that a lot. This game is hard as hell.

83. Zoop

Zoop! Heh heh heh

82. The Simpsons: Bart vs the Space Mutants

Game freaked me out, man. Freaked me out bad.

81. Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball

When everything got real complicated around you-know-what, I used to boot this game up and pretend I still owned the Texas Rangers. It was a simpler time. I miss it.

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Epona Euthanized After Getting Stuck on Weird Rock

Posted on July 5, 2023 by Ryan Sims

HYRULE — Link’s longtime trusty steed Epona had to be euthanized after getting permanently stuck on a weird rock.

“It all happened so fast,” Link said, staring longingly into a chasm, without even really talking. “I was taking a shortcut through the Eldin Mountains, when I saw a rock just slightly jutting out of the ground ahead of us. I didn’t think it would be any problem, but once we were on top of it, Epona refused to move. She reared up no matter what direction I pushed her. I tried everything, luring her with apples, blowing her off with a giant Korok leaf, attaching a Zonai balloon, nothing worked. She was just stuck there. It’s like there’s some weird issue stopping her from making a simple fucking jump at a slightly awkward angle.”

Talon, the owner of popular horse farm Lon Lon Ranch, spoke out on this all too common issue.

“Unfortunately, we see this kind of thing a lot,” Talon said. “Riders think they can take their horses anywhere. The truth is, horses are freaked out by weird geometry, and they’re especially freaked out by a simple little jump or incline that you think they can easily make. There’s no helping a horse in this situation. The ugly truth is, euthanizing is the best thing for them. There are literally no other options. The easiest way to euthanize a horse is by having them eat a bomb flower. It’s not a pretty sight, but the bokoblins love it.”

Malanya The Horse God also spoke out on the issue after being given a dozen endura carrots.

“FOOLS!!” Malanya yelled from her bulb. “I am cursed to watch my precious children suffer because these idiots ride their horses wherever they see fit. My beautiful babies were never meant to run on awkwardly angled rocks or steep inclines. The next time a horseman comes crawling to me to get their horse unstuck, I shall make them my meal! And as for that swordsman Link, I’ll make sure he never rides one of my four legged angels ever again.”

At press time, Link was last seen in Hyrule Field getting kicked in the face trying to tame a new horse.

Redditor Spends Entire Day Drafting Angry Comment

Posted on July 5, 2023 by Cameron Snow

MADISON, Wis. – After the twelfth hour of typing, deleting, and restarting, local travel agent and avid Redditor Alan Townsend, 33, decided his angry Reddit comment had finally met his self-imposed standards of wit and eloquence.

“I really don’t have all the time in the world,” said Townsend, having not seen the sun today. “Which is why I had to put in extra work at making sure my tone, grammar, and overall argument were completely airtight. It was a difficult process, and I had to skip all three meals today, but I’ll rest easy tonight knowing I created something that makes me look very smart on the internet.”

Townsend has his partner, Marie Bailey, proofread all of his comments before he posts them.

“He asked me to proofread his comment like thirty times throughout the day,” said Bailey. “And every time, it was barely different than the last. There was one point where he didn’t ask me to proofread for a while, so I snuck down the hall to his office, peaked inside, and saw him sitting at his desk, blank staring at his comment for an hour straight. He didn’t blink. I’m glad he’s passionate about something, but he treats it like he’s drafting the Declaration of Independence, you know?”

Townsend reportedly felt a sense of superiority at the end of the twelfth hour when his comment satisfied his arbitrary criteria.

“Most schmucks on this website think they can slap together a comment in under a minute and call it a day,” said Townsend. “But not me. I’m calculated, I’m precise, and I hit hard. When I press that submit button, it’s like I’m putting a bullet in the head of everyone in this thread, capiche?”

At press time, Townsend’s comment, which reads “You’re wrong and also dumb. Learn some facts, idiot,” has already received three downvotes and no replies. Townsend remains undeterred and has begun drafting a follow-up comment that he predicts could take upwards of several months.

BioShock Infinite

Super Mario Galaxy

The Last of Us

Crazy Taxi

Skyrim

Call of Duty

Ms. Pac-Man

The Oregon Trail

Contra