Madden NFL 24 Best TE Ratings Guide: The Best Tight Ends

Posted on by Parker Johnson

Looking for the best tight ends in the upcoming Madden 24? We’ve got you covered with our guide to the best Tight Ends in the latest Madden. Whether you’re looking for a player to plan a franchise around, or if you just want to see how your favorite player weighs in in the newest game, we’ve got the 10 best TEs in the game at launch.

Madden NFL 24 Best Tight Ends

At launch, here are the top 10 players at the TE position in Madden 24, listed with their team and overall rating.

  1. Travis Kelce (Kansas City Chiefs, 99)
  2. George Kittle (San Francisco 49ers, 96)
  3. Mark Andrews (Baltimore Ravens, 95)
  4. T.J. Hockenson (Minnesota Vikings, 90)
  5. Dallas Goedert (Philadelphia Eagles, 89)
  6. Kyle Pitts (Atlanta Falcons, 87)
  7. Darren Waller (New York Giants, 86)
  8. Pat Freiermuth (Pittsburgh Steelers, 85)
  9. David Njoku (Cleveland Browns, 84)
  10. Evan Engram (Jacksonville Jaguars, 84)

It’s still important to note, though, that there are many variables that set each tight end apart from one another. For example, despite being lower on the list, Kyle Pitts of the Atlanta Falcons is the fastest Tight End in the latest Madden. Keep a close eye on your favorite players’ specific ratings at launch and choose a player that fits into your system well.

That’s the current list of the best TEs in Madden 24 at launch! Hopefully a player from your favorite team in the NFL made the cut for this top 10. While you’re here, check out our list of the other best players at every position.

Madden NFL 24 Best K Ratings Guide: The Best Kickers

Posted on by Parker Johnson

Looking for the lowdown on the best kickers in Madden NFL 24? Despite the opinions of some people, kickers are often one of the unsung heroes of an NFL team. Whether you need a clutch field goal, or just want to have great starts to your possessions, having a good kicker is a great perk for a football team. Here are the best Ks in the latest entry to the Madden franchise!

Best Kickers in Madden 24

These are the top 10 kickers in Madden NFL 24 at launch:

  1. Justin Tucker (Baltimore Ravens, 91)
  2. Daniel Carlson (Las Vegas Raiders, 83)
  3. Graham Gano (New York Giants, 83)
  4. Jake Elliott (Philadelphia Eagles, 81)
  5. Jason Myers (Seattle Seahawks, 80)
  6. Matt Gay (Indianapolis Colts, 80)
  7. Youngshoe Koo (Atlanta Falcons, 80)
  8. Evan McPherson (Cincinnati Bengals, 79)
  9. Ka’imi Fairbairn (Houston Texans, 79)
  10. Matt Prater (Arizona Cardinals, 79)

As with every other position, it’s important to look into some of the deeper stats before deciding which kicker to use. With kicking, accuracy vs. power will likely be the biggest debate for players to settle. On one hand, having some extra juice on kickoff and to make that last yard or two on a field goal is a great asset. On the other, sometimes prioritizing a more accurate kick can be the saving grace for teams. Find what’s best for your playstyle!

Those are the top 10 best kickers in Madden 24 at launch! Use one of these kickers to maximize the potential of your special teams squad. If you want to build your perfect squad (or just find the rating of your favorite player), check out our other best player guides sorted by position!

Madden NFL 24 Best LB Ratings Guide: The Best Linebackers

Posted on by Parker Johnson

Curious about which players are the Madden 24 best linebackers? A good linebacker is a force to be reckoned with on the football field. Legends like Brian Urlacher were famous for their ability to stop offense in the LB position. Let’s see how close this season’s players are to legend status! Check out the top 10 LBs in Madden 24, sorted by overall.

The Best Linebackers in Madden 24

  1. Fred Warner (San Francisco 49ers, 96)
  2. Maxx Crosby (Las Vegas Raiders, 94)
  3. T.J. Watt (Pittsburgh Steelers, 94)
  4. Roquan Smith (Baltimore Ravens, 92)
  5. Joey Bosa (Los Angeles Chargers, 91)
  6. Lavonte David (Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 91)
  7. Demario Davis (New Orleans Saints, 90)
  8. Haason Reddick (Philadephia Eagles, 90)
  9. Bobby Wagner (Seattle Seahawks, 89)
  10. Matthew Judon (New England Patriots, 89)

Overall ratings don’t tell the whole story, but are a pretty good baseline of where a given player falls as far as skill level. To get a better picture though, it’s worth taking a look at players’ ratings for each individual stat. If you prefer someone more agile, for instance, investing in a player with higher speed is worth sacrificing some strength, and vice versa.

That’s all you need to know about the best linebackers in Madden 24! Hopefully the linebacker from your favorite team made the top 10 at launch this year. If you’re curious about how players at the other positions fared, check out our other lists of the best players at other positions!

Madden NFL 24 Best P Ratings Guide: The Best Punters

Posted on by Parker Johnson

Want to see the best punters in Madden NFL 24? Along with kickers, punters are some of the most underappreciated players in football. That is, unless you’re a fan of the Iowa Hawkeyes, where punting is winning. If you want to be winning when you punt, read on to find the best players at the P position in Madden 24.

Best Punters in Madden NFL 24

Here are the top 10 punters in the latest Madden at launch:

  1. A.J. Cole III (Las Vegas Raiders, 83)
  2. Tommy Townsend (Kansas City Chiefs, 83)
  3. Ryan Stonehouse (Tennessee Titans, 82)
  4. Johnny Hekker (Carolina Panthers, 81)
  5. Logan Cooke (Jacksonville Jaguars, 81)
  6. Bryan Anger (Dallas Cowboys, 80)
  7. Thomas Morstead (New York Jets, 79)
  8. Tress Way (Washington Commanders, 79)
  9. Blake Gillikin (New Orleans Saints, 78)
  10. Corey Bojorquez (Cleveland Browns, 78)

With many other positions, looking at some of the individual stats can tell a bigger story with what plays or systems they would excel at. However, in the case of punters, what you see is what you get for the most part. Unless you’re planning on attempting some crazy trick plays, the overall is a pretty good indicator of the player you’ll be getting.

Those are the best punters in Madden 24, the latest installment to the Madden franchise! While perhaps an overlooked part of many teams, getting a good punter can help offset some losses when you’re forced to turn the ball over. If you want to bolster your offense and defense as well, check out our other best player rankings for each position below!

Madden NFL 24 Best S Ratings Guide: The Best Safeties

Posted on by Parker Johnson

Want the lowdown on the best safeties in Madden NFL 24? We’ve got you covered with the list of the best S players in the latest game! Safeties serve an essential role in any team’s backfield. Read on to find out more about who made the top 10 at the FS and SS positions at launch in the latest Madden!

The Best Safeties in Madden 24

Here’s a look at the best S players at launch. Each player here is listed with their team, overall rating, and whether they’re a Free Safety (FS) or Strong Safety (SS).

  1. Derwin James Jr. (Los Angeles Chargers, 95, SS)
  2. Minkah Fitzpatrick (Pittsburgh Steelers, 93, FS)
  3. Justin Simmons (Denver Broncos, 92, FS)
  4. Kevin Byard (Tennessee Titans, 92, FS)
  5. Jessie Bates III (Atlanta Falcons, 91, FS)
  6. Tyrann Mathieu (New Orleans Saints, 91, FS)
  7. Budda Baker (Arizona Cardinals, 90, SS)
  8. Harrison Smith (Minnesota Vikings, 90, SS)
  9. Jordan Poyer (Buffalo Bills, 90, SS)
  10. Micah Hyde (Buffalo Bills, 89, FS)

Like the best Madden 24 cornerbacks, safety overalls run pretty high. They still, however, pale in comparison to offensive players like QBs and WRs, with no players in this year’s 99 club playing in the safety position. However, there are still high-rated players at the S position, with Derwin James Jr. topping the pack at a 95 overall. Buffalo Bills fans get special bragging rights in this year’s ratings, with two Bills representing in the top 10 safeties.

That’s all you need to know about the best safeties in Madden 24! Use these players to secure your backfield and ensure that no big plays can get by you. If you want to continue building a superteam, check out our other best player guides below, sorted by position!

Every Wii Accessory Ranked by How Easily Senator Dianne Feinstein Could Use It

Posted on by Sean Mullee

Back in 2006, Nintendo marketed the Wii as a family console for gamers of all ages. But when someone says all ages, they usually aren’t referring to people who look like they’d turn to dust in a light breeze. Luckily, the legislative body of the United States isn’t so picky, so we put Nintendo’s advertising to the test and ranked every Wii accessory based on how easy it would be for California Senator Dianne Feinstein to use!

#13 — Dance Dance Revolution Mat

Asking Dianne Feinstein to stomp all over a loose plastic mat on the floor is like handing Daffy Duck a cigar with a lit fuse. This is nothing but a vehicle for pain.

#12 — Wii Wheel

Good god do not let this woman behind the wheel of an automobile. I don’t trust most senators to drive, let alone one who is old enough to remember when Model A’s were on the road. Can you imagine this woman trying to navigate the five-lane Capital Beltway?

#11 — Rock Band Guitar

You’d think that a woman older than the electric guitar would have a leg up on using one of these bad boys. But being a San Francisco politician in the 60’s and 70’s makes Dianne a part of “the Man” trying to silence the music of the people. Also I don’t think her shoulder could bear the weight of this thing.

#10 — Tatsunoko vs Capcom Fight Stick

I’m pretty sure it would be easier to teach a chimp to use a fight stick than a member of the Silent Generation. All you need to train an ape is some fruit and good old classical conditioning, today’s senators expect thousands of dollars in campaign funds.

#9 — Wii Classic Controller

This waste of plastic gets a low rating because it was ergonomically designed with no one in mind. People of every creed and color can come together and agree that making a controller without palm grips should be illegal, so I can’t fault Feinstein for having a rough time with this one. At least Nintendo fixed it on the Pro model.

#8 — uDraw Tablet

When I look deeply into Senator Feinstein, I find not the soul of an artist, nor the heart of a gamer.

#7 — Wii Balance Board

A few months ago this one would have been a no-brainer top candidate. All you need to do is stand on it and you’re technically playing a video game. But after recent events I’m not so sure she can even do that.

#6 — Nunchuck

The nunchuck is a joystick and two buttons, it’s hard to fuck this one up.

#5 — Babysitting Mama Baby

Old ladies are usually pretty good with babies, so if you tell her this plush doll is her great-grandchild her cataract-riddled eyes won’t be able to tell the difference. Just don’t let her know the kid cares about climate change.

#4 — Wii Speak

A microphone for voice activated games seems like a perfect match for a staunch NSA supporter like Feinstein. She shouldn’t have a problem using this one, provided she has an aide on standby to nudge her when she needs to wake up and speak.

#3 — Wii MotionPlus

The MotionPlus add-on was introduced with the sole purpose of allowing the Wii Remote to sense subtle movements. I can think of few products better for a woman who has to go to the hospital every time she raises her arm too fast.

#2 — Wii Zapper

Listen, has Senator Feinstein parroted the talking point that video games cause gun violence? Yes. But this is America, your local Cabela’s would sell a gun to a mop if it was wearing Realtree camo.

#1 — Wii Vitality Sensor

It’s a shame that this Nintendo oximeter was canceled, because I think this is one of the few accessories Dianne could actually use. The only thing you need to play with this puppy is a pulse, so she’s probably got a good few months left to game!

Tears of the Kingdom DLC to Include Jewish Temple

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo announced today that an upcoming update to The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom will include a Jewish Temple.

“With Wind, Fire, Water, Lightning, and Spirit, we felt it was finally time to include a Jewish Temple,” said Tears of the Kingdom director Hidemaro Fujibayashi. “We’re very excited for fans to explore this region of the map, now home to the young Hylian adventurer Rifka, who acts as the Sage of Judaism. She has a really awesome power that Link can call upon called ‘shout’ that is inspired by both Skyrim and Susie from Curb Your Enthusiasm. I think fans are really going to have a good time exploring this whole new New York City style city in the kingdom of Hyrule!”

Longtime fans of the series had conflicting reactions to the news.

“I guess I was hoping for like a new biome or something. Instead we just got this weird town where we can’t use Zonai tech from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday,” said SidonLuvr99. “I guess Jews in Japan are as mythical a creature as dragons and rock people.”

“This is awesome!!!” said Zelduhhhh111. “I feel like a lot of people here are just complaining for the sake of complaining and basically will never be happy no matter what, and hopefully that’s just them getting into the Jewish spirit. Personally, I think this is a dope addition to the game. How can you have temples in your franchise for decades and never include a Jewish one? It’s gonna be so sick!!”

As of press time, Nintendo has neither confirmed nor denied the addition of any other type of religious temple for the upcoming DLC.

Every Wes Anderson Movie Ranked by How Miserable I’d Be as a Poor Person Living in It

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Wes Anderson has made a selection of delightful diorama-like films that I hold very near and dear to my heart. And these films, for better or for worse, are about the complicated lives of people ranging from the mostly rich to the very rich. But what would it be like to live in one of Wes Anderson’s movies as a poor person? Well let’s find out!

#11 — Isle of Dogs (2018)

DOG LIFE RULES!!!! Arf arf! I’m just hanging out on a big island with all my homies, who are dogs by the way, and we’re kings. What a world I get to wake up to every morning. Thank you Wes Anderson for imagining it, you freak.

#10 — Bottle Rocket (1996)

I’m kinda just vibing in Texas this whole movie, laughing at my dumbass friends who wanna rob a store or some shit. They’re always doing the goofiest stuff, I love it, man. Apparently Tony’s got depression or whatever. He’s gotta chill out more.

#9 — The Darjeeling Limited (2007)

In this movie, I am working on a train in India. It’s honestly not that bad a gig, except for this group of extremely annoying, pretentious brothers. They’re making my day hell. But other than that, it’s not that bad a job! I get to travel a lot. Hashtag train life. Hashtag India.

#8 — Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009)

I never thought there would be such a brutal class system in this tree-and-hole neighborhood, but I guess that’s on me for moving to a place that is so segregated by species. Everyone is nice, but they look down on me in a liberal sort of way. I’m the only snake who lives here and I am lonely.

#7 — The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004)

I work on a boat. I can’t tell if it’s a cult or not. One of my coworkers got shot to death. I didn’t think that was something that could happen on a boat job. And yet, it feels good to be a part of something greater than myself. Perhaps, one day, I too will die for this boat.

#6 — Rushmore (1998)

Max Fischer loves to talk about how hard it is being a secretly middle-class kid at a school for the wealthy and privileged. And yet, I am a teacher at Rushmore Academy. I make a terrifyingly low salary and still have to pay for all my supplies out of my own pocket while older wealthy parents are trying to hook up with my coworkers. The plays are cool though.

#5 — Moonrise Kingdom (2012)

I am an employee for the most pretentious camp in America. Every day, I’m like “hey Johnny, did you make your bed today?” and some 10-year-old jerk is like, “Hmph! I have not! I am the child and yet I am your master. How Kafkaesque. Have you read him? Or has no one yet taught you how to read?” And then he runs away and I think about letting him die in the woods.

#4 — The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)

“Go work at the Grand Budapest Hotel!” my mom told me. “Maybe your boss will take you under his wing and you’ll find a priceless painting and fall in love!” Dude all I’ve done for the last six years is clean the sheets of old rich people after they screw the concierge in our beds.

#3 — Asteroid City (2023)

8 months have passed and I am still quarantined in Asteroid City because of that dumb alien. Pretty sure everyone forgot about me. I’m running out of stuff to eat. There’s no one here but me. Someone please come and get me.

#2 — The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)

“Wahhh I’m so sad because my sister doesn’t like like me!!!” No one in this goddamn family knows my name and I’ve been working as a servant in their New York City MANSION since they were BABIES! Who do you think cleaned up all that hair from the bathroom floor?!

#1  — The French Dispatch (2021)

I work at The French Dispatch as like a janitor or something and everyone is so incredibly mean to me. One time I dropped a piece of garbage on the floor by accident and Bill Murray’s character called me a “dumb little bitch.” Every night I go home to my wife and complain that I want to get a job anywhere but this stupid goddamn magazine obsessed with France.

Stoner Relieved to Find Out RPG’s Combat Is Turn-Based

Posted on by James Knapp

PHILADELPHIA — Local stoner Gareth Childers was relieved following his indica-induced decision to replay Paper Mario, realizing that the game’s combat system is turn-based, according to sources who are currently very aware that they have a tongue.

“My mom dropped off all my old video games from the house last weekend, so I figured I would replay a couple of them while I melt into the couch over here,” explained Childers, who just remembered that he put that DiGiorno pizza in the toaster oven a really long time ago. “Thank fuck I chose this game. I don’t remember much of it from when I was a kid, but being able to let the controller just sit while I stare at all the buttons trying to remember what it is they all do has really come in useful during these trying times.”

“One time I tried playing God of War while high,” he added. “I got so scared I threw up on myself.”

Game designer Shigeru Miyamoto explained his initial decision to make the game’s combat turn-based.

“Early during development, I was for sure aware that many of our players would choose to experience this game under the influence of marijuana. But none of us anticipated the level of burn-ward-grade weed that would eventually become available to the general public,” remarked Miyamoto on the current quality of dispensary grass. “It’s a good thing we had the foresight to design our combat this way. I took enough psilocybin during development to know that real-time combat was not an option. There’s only so much focus you can maintain on pixels as the universe loudly unravels around you.”

Paper Mario in-game companion Goombario is reportedly trapped in his own personal hell as he awaits Childers’ next combat maneuver. 

“My paper God! What sort of endless nightmare have I become trapped in?” exclaimed Goombario, who has been bouncing to that same loop of combat music for the past forty-five minutes. “All I need to do is ‘headboink’ this koopa one more time and we’re done. But this idiot controlling me has spent the better part of an hour Googling images of dogs that look like they have human teeth. Just turn the console off already! At this rate there’s no way you’re making it to the next save block anyway.”

At press time, Childers remembered the DiGgiorno pizza again, which has now been burned beyond any semblance of edibility.

Kid Who Caught Darkrai in Pokémon Sleep Hasn’t Woken Up Yet

Posted on by Patrick Sullivan

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — 8-year old Pokémon fan Isaac Conrad has slipped into a potentially inescapable coma after catching Darkrai in Pokémon Sleep earlier this week, according to sources close to Conrad. 

“When I first heard they were releasing a Pokémon game that’d help get me on a proper sleep schedule, I thought it was a perfect way to merge sleeping and fun,” said Nate Conrad, Isaac Conrad’s father. “And honestly, Pokémon Sleep has delivered. These past few nights have been so quiet, I’ve gotten the best sleep I’ve had in a long time! Unfortunately, however, that is because of Isaac’s brutally devastating coma. Oh god, why couldn’t he have just caught a Pikachu?!”

Isaac Conrad is not alone, as reports from around the globe are surfacing that after catching Darkrai, the Pitch-Black Pokémon, players are trapped in a world of unending nightmares from which there is no escape or waking. Friends and family of the players have tried submitting bug reports, but the developers have said that confining players to a nightmare dimension is part of the Pokémon Sleep experience.

“People online have become more and more critical of the development choices we’ve made lately, so with Pokémon Sleep, we wanted to appeal to the hardcore fans of the franchise with a way to improve their health,” said president of The Pokémon Company Tsunekazu Ishihara in a Pokémon Presents earlier this week. “But we also wanted to punish them.”

A roadmap for Pokémon Sleep was also shown during the special Pokémon Presents, announcing that a Gengar with Dream Eater would soon be added, specifically to devour the memories of the trapped players so they turn into lifeless husks of their former selves.

“Ask me one more goddamn time to make a post-game that lets you visit every region. Do you know how fucking hard that would be? Are you insane?!” added Ishihara. “Coma for all of you. I’m sorry, it’s just what has to be done.”

The Pokémon Company and developers Select Button have since promised they would add Cresselia and a Lunar Feather to Pokémon Sleep, and that comatose players can escape the hell of eternal sleep after buying an event pass for $14.99. This pass will be available for 3 hours on an upcoming Pokémon Sleep community day, and then will never be obtainable ever again.

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