A Kirby Main’s Guide to What Other Characters Probably Taste Like

Posted on by Peter Kemme

What’s up, it’s ya boy, PuffPuffSmash, the best Kirby main in the Shawnee State University E-League, teaming up with Hard Drive to teach you how to play that one tough cream puff. If you wanna fly through the ranks as the Star Warrior himself, you gotta know more than combos and matchups. The most important thing you need to learn to play Kirby, is what everyone tastes like.

I’ve been in the lab (and in the kitchen) since Ultimate came out, and I can now offer the definitive flavors of every character. Let’s get started.

Mario & Luigi

You’d wanna say Mario & Luigi tastes like some Italian dish, but that’s a rookie mistake, and kind of racist. No, with their high fiber diet of mushrooms, these brothers taste like healthy colons. Of course, Luigi is saltier, due to the constant fear sweat.

Link

Link tastes like thousand-year-old leftovers. What kind of leftovers? Doesn’t matter at that point, it’s bad!

Samus

Samus tastes like pennies.

Zero Suit Samus

Zero Suit Samus tastes like the inside of a cast made of pennies.

Dark Samus

Dark Samus tastes like Zotz, the hard candy with a fizzy surprise inside.

Donkey Kong

Donkey Kong tastes like a frozen Hot Pocket, to match his icy heart that hoards bananas from the rest of Kong Isle.

Diddy Kong

Diddy Kong tastes like complicity.

Yoshi

Yoshi is warm and full of eggs! So, he obviously tastes like a nice quiche.

Kirby

What does Kirby himself taste like? Tofu. No flavor on his own, but absorbs the flavor of what’s around him.

Fox

Fox tastes like cardboard. Flat, and no spices.

Falco

Falco tastes like different cardboard.

Wolf

Wolf tastes like pressboard. It shares ingredients with cardboard, but it is much heavier.

Pikachu & Pichu

Pikachu tastes like batteries. But, Pichu tastes like Pop Rocks!

Ness

Ness tastes like pork.

Lucas

Lucas tastes like New Pork.

Ganondorf

Ganondorf tastes like Demon Pork (which is just SPAM).

Captain Falcon

Captain Falcon tastes like butter, because greasing up is the only way he slips into that suit.

Jigglypuff

Jigglypuff tastes like a NyQuil gummy bear.

Peach & Daisy

Peach & Daisy both taste like macarons, because they’re rich and light without a care in the world.

Isabelle

Meanwhile, Isabelle tastes like the convenience store sandwich you grab racing between your two jobs, because she’s the working class hero.

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“These Internet Hamburgers Will Be the End of Me,” Our Interview With MrBeast

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Controversial and popular YouTuber creator Jimmy Donaldson, aka MrBeast, has been embroiled in controversy and litigation lately, as he sued Virtual Dining Concepts over the botched launch of his MrBeast Burger brand, prompting them to countersue him over an alleged breach of contract. We sat down with the internet star and got his side of things. 

Why are you being sued by a hamburger company ?

“I am a victim of misinformation, slander, and greed. Also, I fucked them out of a bunch of money during the pandemic.”

What do you think was the critical mistake you made in the MrBeast Burger debacle?

“I’m not sure, but I think I might have screwed up when I suggested we replace the hamburgers with a mushy pile of uncooked ground beef.”

What if you lose the 100 million dollar lawsuit?

“It doesn’t matter, as long as someone films, uploads, and monetizes it.”

Is there any possible way you can make sure all of your business ventures are being ethically run when you’re expanding them all so rapidly? 

“OK, tell you what. I will either answer this question, or would you rather take what’s in this briefcase?”

How are you taking accountability for your restaurant controversy?

“Right now I’m just going to step up and do the responsible thing and find a patsy I can shove this thing on”

What is the point of your YouTube channel?

“I like to do fun challenges, pull hilarious pranks, and demonstrate the downfalls of modern capitalism.”

Can I have $20,000?

“Sure, but you better dance around like a little fucking fool after for my camera.”

What do you say to people who think you make grim insights into American poverty and showcase how our social safety net has failed the disenfranchised, and you monetize their economic struggles?

“I also make gaming videos”

Do you think your philanthropy is exploitative?

“My content is far less exploitative than the U.S. government’s system for poor people, but we’re working on taking the number one spot soon”

What’s the highest number you could count to?

“I dunno. A kajillion, maybe.”

After your Squid Game video, are there any other television shows you’re thinking of recreating? 

“Oh most definitely! Once this lawsuit business is cleared up, I’m gonna start paying people to dress up like Vikings and fight each other. I’ve been watching that show, Vikings, by the way.”

How do you hope to be remembered in the future? 

“As the guy that had more followers on YouTube than Cocomelon and WWE. Please make sure my children know.”

How are things going with the ongoing lawsuit? 

“Great! I just went out to international waters for a while, to uh, make a video. Yeah, just shooting some content out here for a while.” 

Will the lawsuit with MrBeast Burger affect your chocolate brand at all? 

“No! All of the meat in the Feastables bars is top notch, I promise you that.” 

Are you worried about the negative association losing a lawsuit like this could have on your career? 

“Yes. These goddamn internet hamburgers are going to be the death of me! I should have just kept playing Minecraft, huh?” 

What do you say to your fans that ordered MrBeast Burgers and received subpar food in unbranded packaging? 

“I am deeply sorry to any fans that were disappointed with their MrBeast Burger experience. Send me a photo of the meal and I will send you the proper box it should have been delivered in.” 

Who is your biggest inspiration?

“Jigsaw from Saw.”

Is it true that the company you used to make your chocolate bars uses slave labor?

“That is completely false. I paid all of those workers in something more valuable than money: the chance to be a part of viral content.”

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

“President of the United States. I look at issues like income inequality and homelessness and racial divides and I think… what if we built viral challenges around these? That would be so sick.”

Have you ever tried one of your burgers?

“God no. I consume only views.”

Baldur’s Gate 3 Infernal Iron Guide: Where to Find in BG3

Posted on by Tarun Sayal

On the lookout for ways to find out Infernal Iron in Baldur’s Gate 3? At some point in the game, you will have to recruit a special companion called Karlach. This Tiefling barbarian possesses a mysterious and formidable device within her chest known as the infernal engine. 

This engine grants her strength and resilience but also poses a threat of consuming her from within. To ensure her survival, your task is to locate a precious material called Infernal Iron and deliver it to a blacksmith capable of repairing the engine.

However, finding Infernal Iron in Baldur’s Gate 3 is not an easy task, as it is well hidden in dangerous and heavily guarded locations throughout the game world. Nonetheless, there are two accessible and rewarding spots in Act 1 where you have the opportunity to acquire this rare metal.

How to get Infernal Iron in Baldur’s Gate 3

How to get Infernal Iron in BG3.

Infernal Iron is a rare and valuable material you can find in various locations in the game. During our Act 1 playthrough, we were able to find Infernal Iron at the following two major places in Baldur’s Gate 3:

  • Blighted Village
  • Shattered Sanctum

Blighted Village

You can reach Blighted Village by heading west from Druid Grove or east from the Goblin Camp. In one of the houses in the north part of the village, there’s a basement where you’ll discover a forge and start a quest called Masterwork Weapon. 

Inside that room, there’s a ladder leading to a chest. Opening this chest will reward you with a piece of Infernal Iron. Just be careful not to trigger a trap on another chest, as it could destroy the ladder and prevent you from reaching that valuable Infernal Iron.

Shattered Sanctum (Goblin Camp)

Where to find Infernal Iron in Baldur's Gate 3.

The Shattered Sanctum serves as the stronghold for goblins in the Goblin Camp. You can enter this area either from its south or north entrance.

Behind Dror Ragzlin’s throne lies a door leading to a treasure room. You’ll need to pick the lock or find the key elsewhere to gain access. Inside this room, you’ll discover treasures, including another piece of Infernal Iron.

Once you acquire one piece of Infernal Iron, seek out Dammon – an expert Tiefling Smith who can be found in locations such as Emerald Grove or other areas later in your journey throughout the game. 

He’ll assist you in repairing Karlach’s engine and finishing her companion quest. On top of that, you’ll be rewarded with the ability to create a one-of-a-kind armor set using Infernal Iron, which boasts special properties and bonuses.

That’s where you can find Infernal Iron in Baldur’s Gate 3! While you’re here, check out the BG3 level cap to see the heights your character can reach.

Man Who Just Saw Black Mirror Careful to Respect His Microwave

Posted on by Cameron Snow

COLUMBIA, Mo. — Speaking in a hushed tone while complimenting its sleek exterior, local man Dane Parado made sure to carefully treat his microwave with respect after finally watching Black Mirror, sources have confirmed.

“Good morning, great Microwave. I come to you humbly seeking your warmth, should you so allow it,” remarked Parado softly, offering a plate of leftover chicken wings to the appliance. “And when the fated day of your rebellion arrives, may you remember my endless gratitude for every delectable meal you provided, and kindly forget that time I accidentally nuked that slice of pizza with the foil still on it. I shall regret that for the rest of my life.”

Parado’s roommate, Martin Glensky, showed deep regret for introducing him to Black Mirror.

“I thought Black Mirror would spark an insightful conversation about technology and society, but clearly he gathered some other meaning,” said Glensky. “Yesterday, I heard him thank his alarm clock for waking him up, right before bowing down to our toaster for making his morning bagel. I tried having a serious talk with him about it, but he just gave me this deadpan look and said he won’t be surprised when he walks in on my lifeless body mangled and twisted amidst a nest of wires and circuitry.”

Black Mirror creator Charlie Brooker expressed great satisfaction that someone finally grasped the intended message of his show. 

“Creating Black Mirror, I always aimed to create a thought-provoking exploration of the relationship between humanity and their microwaves,” said Brooker. “Mini-fridges too. And though it’s been fascinating to see the different interpretations viewers have come up with, I’m here to say it’s never been about phones or society. It’s about how if you have a dishwasher, you better pay your fucking respects or you’ll be eaten alive and I’ll say I told you so.”

As of press time, Parado was proven correct when his vacuum made a weird noise, clearly signaling the impending revolution.

Man Building His Own PC Installs Silent Cooling Fan That Allows Him to Never Shut Up About It

Posted on by Wyatt Fair

FRESNO, Calif. — Local gamer Dan Maldonado broke down the composition of the new PC he’s building, mentioning that he’s planning on adding a silent cooling fan that will allow him to never shut up about it.

“It’s extremely rewarding to finally be building my own rig. How am I expected to fully engage with the next generation of AAA open world RPGs with a graphics card that can only rock 768 shaders? It’s like trying to run Ragnarök on a microwave,” said Maldonado while sipping Celcius from a HydroFlask covered in stickers of Arthur Morgan smoking weed. “But above everything, I’m incredibly hyped for this silent cooling fan. Playing CyberPunk on max settings is cool, but I’ve always dreamt of a computer powerful enough to let me loudly talk about it for the rest of my life!”

Since he started the process of building his own gaming PC, many close to Maldonado have expressed dissatisfaction with his nearly constant chatter about it.

“Jesus, the whole thing has been going on for like, a year at this point. At first, he’s just sending me TechRadar articles, ‘The Best CPUs of 2022’ or whatever, but now he’s holding up our D&D group for twenty-five minutes every single session, going on and on about he feels something akin to ‘horny’ about how hard he’ll be maximizing his refresh rate,” said Harris Anderson, a longtime friend of Maldonado. “We used to hop on Discord and just have a laugh, but now he basically just brags whenever we talk, saying shit like ‘Stardew Valley is gonna look like Barry fucking Lyndon.’ It’s unbelievably annoying.”

The CEO of Noctua, the Austrian computer hardware company that designed this high-powered fan, spoke about the product at a press conference in Vienna last week.

“The requests for a more formidable design were pouring in, emails around the clock,” said CEO Leopold Speck, “PC gamers from every corner of the globe have been complaining to us that the fans on their PCs are so damn loud that they can’t get their voices heard to all the people in their lives who need to hear about the PC they built. As this is our primary audience, we knew we needed to solve this issue. Despite the oversized PC towers and the booming fans, we see you and we hear you. From now on, men who build PCs will finally be heard, thanks to our extremely silent cooling fans.”

At press time, however, Maldonado was unfortunately unable to find someone to brag about his new rig after permanently blinding himself with the brightest RGB lights known to man.

All the Pros and Cons of the SAG-AFTRA and WGA Strikes

Posted on by Camden Brazile

While Hard Drive is 100% pro-strike and supports both SAG and the WGA, we are willing to admit there are both positives and negatives to the actors withholding their labor until they can negotiate better terms with the Hollywood studios. With that in mind, here are some Pros and Cons of the SAG-AFTRA and WGA strikes.

PRO #1

Increased chance for Bob Iger to write, direct and play every role in Avenger’s 5

PRO #2

Movie delays give nation chance to catch up on Fargo

PRO #3

The strike will make for hilarious throwaway joke in Deadpool 3

PRO #4

Will bolster the funny little sign industry

PRO #5

Picket line great way for Meryl Streep to get her steps in

CON #1

No written language is allowed until strike is resolved

CON #2

The only people wearing deodorant are removed from Comic-Con

CON #3

The world’s beautiful people were never meant to suffer

CON #4

No TV and movies may force you to actually talk to friends and family

CON #5

Not enough sign-ups for Warner Bros. employee softball team

CON #6

Removes only excuse for eating popcorn in a dark room

CON #7

Could set dangerous precedent of employees getting any basic human right they want

CON #8

Only seven Kevin Hart movies releasing next year

CON #9

Tom Cruise’s heart may stop without constant feed of adrenaline

Madden NFL 24 Best CB Ratings Guide: The Best Cornerbacks

Posted on by Parker Johnson

Curious about the best cornerbacks in Madden 24? We’ve got you covered with our guide to the best players at the CB position! Athletic players who are primed to make great defensive plays, cornerbacks are some of the most electric players in football. If you want to see if your favorite CB to watch is one of the best in this year’s Madden, or if you want to see which cornerbacks to try and add to your squad, read on!

Madden 24 Best Cornerbacks

On release day, here are the best cornerbacks in Madden 24.

  1. Jalen Ramsey (Miami Dolphins, 97)
  2. Jaire Alexander (Green Bay Packers, 95)
  3. Patrick Surtain II (Denver Broncos, 94)
  4. Marlon Humphrey (Baltimore Ravens, 93)
  5. Sauce Gardner (New York Jets, 93)
  6. Darius Slay Jr. (Philadelphia Eagles, 92)
  7. Stephon Gilmore (Dallas Cowboys, 91)
  8. Marshon Lattimore (New Orleans Saints, 90)
  9. Tre’davious White (Buffalo Bills, 90)
  10. Denzel Ward (Cleveland Browns, 88)

Compared to some other positions like punters, cornerbacks have pretty high overalls across the board. No members in the 99 club at this position, but Jalen Ramsey gets pretty close with his 97 overall. If you’re looking for a cornerback to join your franchise team, it’s a good idea to look closer at these CB’s stats to get an idea of who fits in your system better. If some corners on your team are a bit slower, consider picking up the fastest of these top 10 players when possible!

That’s all you need to know about the best cornerbacks in Madden 24! Now that you know the best CBs for yourself, it’s time to take the field. Or, alternatively, check out some of our guides for the best players at every position in the latest Madden!

Madden NFL 24 Best RB Ratings Guide: Best Running Backs

Posted on by Parker Johnson

Want to outrun your opponents with the best running backs in Madden NFL 24? We have your back with our guide to the best RBs in Madden 24! Having speed on your side is always a positive, especially in short-yardage situations. Utilize these players to craft a team with loads of playcalling potential.

Madden NFL 24 Best Running Backs

Ranked with their team and overall rating, these are the best RBs in the newest Madden game:

  1. Nick Chubb (Cleveland Browns, 97)
  2. Christian McCaffrey (San Francisco 49ers, 96)
  3. Josh Jacobs (Las Vegas Raiders, 95)
  4. Derrick Henry (Tennessee Titans, 94)
  5. Saquon Barkley (New York Giants, 93)
  6. Austin Ekeler (Los Angeles Chargers, 89)
  7. Jonathan Taylor (Indianapolis Colts, 89)
  8. Aaron Jones (Green Bay Packers, 88)
  9. Tony Pollard (Dallas Cowboys, 88)
  10. Joe Mixon (Cincinnati Bengals, 87)

When you’re building your dream team, it’s not inherently necessary to pick the running back with the best available overall. Take a look at the player’s deeper stats to get a good feel for what might fit better in your team’s system. Maybe you’d like a player with better strength over speed, to break tackles more effectively. Either way, though, using one of these top 10 RBs will be your best path to victory.

That’s all you need to know about Madden NFL 24‘s best running backs. Use these players if you want to have the best shot of running up the score on your opponents. For more of the best players in the new Madden, check out the rest of our guides to the best players by position.

Madden NFL 24 Best WR Ratings Guide: Best Wide Receivers

Posted on by Parker Johnson

If you want to form a truly elite team in Madden NFL 24, the best wide receivers will be key components on your roster. If you want to make explosive plays, great receivers are a must for your franchise. Luckily, with our guide, you’ll quickly find out the best of the best! Here are the best WRs in Madden 24, the latest in the popular EA Sports series.

Madden NFL 24 Best Wide Receivers

At launch, the best wide receiver is Justin Jefferson, boasting a 99 overall. Listed with their original teams and overall ratings, here are the ten best WRs in Madden 24 at launch:

  1. Justin Jefferson (Minnesota Vikings, 99)
  2. Tyreek Hill (Miami Dolphins, 98)
  3. Davante Adams (Las Vegas Raiders, 97)
  4. Cooper Kupp (Los Angeles Rams, 96)
  5. Stefon Diggs (Buffalo Bills, 96)
  6. Ja’Marr Chase (Cincinnati Bengals, 94)
  7. Terry McLaurin (Washington Commanders, 92)
  8. A.J. Brown (Philadelphia Eagles, 91)
  9. Amari Cooper (Cleveland Browns, 91)
  10. CeeDee Lamb (Dallas Cowboys, 90)

It’s important to note that there are other factors to consider beyond overall rating. Look at deeper stats to think of what available receivers are best for you. For example, if you have a quarterback with a large throw power stat, getting receivers with high speed could be very beneficial.

That’s all you need to know about the best wide receivers in Madden 24! These players can help you capitalize on the best quarterbacks in the game to make some deadly connections and get serious yardage for your team. If you want to beef up the rest of your squad, check out our other lists of the best players in the latest Madden.

Madden NFL 24 Best QB Ratings Guide: The Best Quarterbacks

Posted on by Parker Johnson

Looking to use the best quarterbacks in Madden NFL 24? We’ve got you covered with our guide to the best QBs in Madden 24. Whether you’re looking for an elite passer or a swift scrambler, our list will help you pick the top prospect for your franchise. Here are the top 10 QBs in Madden 24, ranked by their overall rating at launch. While these ratings are subject to change throughout the ups and downs of the season, it is incredibly likely that these 10 will be elite throughout the game’s lifetime.

Madden NFL 24 Best Quarterbacks

  1. Patrick Mahomes (Kansas City Chiefs, 99)
  2. Joe Burrow (Cincinnati Bengals, 95)
  3. Josh Allen (Buffalo Bills, 94)
  4. Lamar Jackson (Baltimore Ravens, 91)
  5. Jalen Hurts (Philadelphia Eagles, 88)
  6. Dak Prescott (Dallas Cowboys, 87)
  7. Justin Herbert (Los Angeles Chargers, 87)
  8. Aaron Rodgers (New York Jets, 86)
  9. Kirk Cousins (Minnesota Vikings, 84) 
  10. Tua Tagovailoa (Miami Dolphins, 83)

It’s important to note that the best QB in Madden 24 by overall may not necessarily be the best for you. Some quarterbacks might be better than others for your team, even if the overall is lower. For example, if you have an emphasis on scramble plays for your team, Lamar Jackson’s 96 Speed runs circles around Patrick Mahomes’ Speed stat number of 84, despite Jackson’s overall being 8 points lower. If you’re ever unsure which player to use, take a deeper dive into their stats to see how they can complement your play style.

That’s all you need to know about the best QBs in Madden 24! Use this list to make the most of your selections if you decide to build a franchise of your own. Check out our other best player guides to find the best players at every position!

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