DRAMA: Twitch Streamer Banned For a Week After Being Murdered On Stream

SAN DIEGO — Up and coming Twitch streamer Jimmy “JimPi” Piccoli has received a 7 day suspension from the livestreaming site following an incident where he was stabbed and killed during an IRL stream.

“I will learn from this experience and come back with better content than ever,” said Jimmy, posthumously, after receiving the news that he had been banned only two minutes after being fatally stabbed on a San Diego sidewalk. “I will be uploading my consciousness into a VTuber to continue streaming next week. I’m truly sorry to anyone I let down by being murdered.”

The attacker, 27-year-old Kyle Melarn, insists that the attack caught live on Twitch for a shocked 200 viewers was an honest mistake.

“I thought it was Jerma,” Melarn explained, “he would have thought it was a funny bit to get killed live on stream. I wonder why he doesn’t interact with his fans more.”

Twitch’s Trust and Safety team quickly released the following statement in the wake of Piccoli’s slaying. 

“After careful consideration, the content moderation team here at Twitch decided that we cannot risk another senseless act of violence being streamed on our website, and have decided to ban JimPi for 7 days to give them time to realign their content with what the core audience at Twitch would like to see.”

Per the streamer’s dying wish, in lieu of flowers, cash deposits can be made at Casino4Kidz™ (owner of a major Twitch competitor) using code JimPiBigBux.

Anime Scientists Confirm Swords Can Cut Totally Through Bullets In Mid-Air

KYOTO — After analyzing footage from an intense fight scene where a protagonist was able to cut through a bullet fired from his opponent’s gun, anime scientists confirmed this week that the blade of a sword can totally cut through a bullet in mid-air.

“We’ve seen it enough times to say definitively that the blade of a katana or any such caliber of weapon can slice through a bullet in its trajectory path,” said Professor Matsumoto, adjusting his swirly glasses. “This of course causes the bullet to bisect perfectly in half, ricocheting off into two lateral directions. This leaves the swordwielder unharmed, and looking completely badass.”

The swordsman in question, Goemon Ishikawa, offered some insight from the scene.

“Whenever someone pulls a gun on me, it’s just instinct, I guess,” stated Ishikawa. “I immediately reach for my sword, draw my blade, and bam, it’s over. Bullet’s cut in half, and so is the guy holding the gun. Whoever said not to bring a sword to a gunfight is full of shit, and thankfully now anime science can back that up.”

Professor Matsumoto continued on about his research on the topic.

“A lot of people are wondering if this sort of thing can work in real life,” said Matsumoto. “And I really don’t know. I’m just a cartoon character. That’s really more of a question for the Myth Busters or something. Matter of fact, they probably should check on that. Someone could get seriously hurt on the set of a Netflix live-action reboot or something.”

At press time, bullets were also proven to be ineffective against magic, giant robots, and condensed energy blasts.

Rumor Mill: Is Luigi Really Coming to Mortal Kombat? (The Answer is No)

Ever since we started wildly speculating last week that we thought it would be really cool if they put Luigi in the new Mortal Kombat game, the rumor mill is BUZZING with talk about whether or not they’ll actually do it. So, what’s the verdict? Have Ed Boon and company decided to go ahead and pull the trigger on Luigi, or has everyone more or less dismissed the idea as merely more malarky from the bullshitters at Hard Drive? It’s the second one, but let’s talk a little bit about it!

Now, while Hard Drive first broke the “story” last week, (when I had a deadline approaching and realized I hadn’t written anything about the new Mortal Kombat game yet) many others have been reporting on it since, lending the story a validity it wouldn’t have had otherwise. IGN called the story a “sick, sick display from what was once an actually pretty funny website,” and Polygon said, “The guys at Hard Drive won’t stop emailing us about Luigi.”

I don’t love what they said in all of their articles, but the takeaway was clear: the people were excited about this Luigi business. Is it really so different from Smash Bros or something? I mean come on, he’s got fighting game moves already!

Sadly, I think even if they decided they did want to put Luigi in the new Mortal Kombat, it might be too late to get it into the game. Maybe it can be DLC later. This is why I will still continue to linger around Ed Boon’s offices and favorite places to get lunch and try to intimidate him into doing it. Or maybe I’ll disguise myself and just talk loudly about how cool I think Luigi is when I’m near him. I haven’t decided yet.

Look, the important thing is that while this Luigi rumor is completely unfounded, started exclusively by me one day on a whim, and not really feasible in any way, we will continue to report on it as the story unfolds. I have like, nothing else going on.

Check out our new Mario Kart and Mortal Kombat shirts, available this week only! 

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ANNOUNCEMENT: We’re Gonna Start Taking a Few Cents From Our Writers When Someone Reads Their Article

Hello everyone! Here at Hard Drive, we pride ourselves on being the most ethical company in the games industry. So, inspired by no recent business decision in particular, we have decided to start charging our writers a few cents every time that someone reads their article.

We know that this policy might come as a shock to some, but we can assure everyone that this is the most fair way to generate increased revenue for the platform we provide, according to our own private research. Oh, you want to see the research we did? Stop being silly! Just trust us! This is the exact method we’ll use for counting the amount of money we’ll take from you too, so get used to it!

We also understand that some people might have comedy pieces in development with certain caveats that make this fee bad. If, for instance, you write a hit Hard Drive article that a lot of people see, you’ll notice that we’re going to be taking a lot of money from you. Rest assured that you’ll have plenty of  of time to pull any in-development projects somewhere else, as long as you completely transfer all of the things you’ve created with us into a completely new environment. Why do all of the writers think this is such a bad idea?

Still confused about how this new fee is going to work? I’ve worked it all out in this table here for you. Check it out:

Oh shit, I got that from a friend. Ours are going to be pretty similar, though, with views instead of installs and without all those pesky zeroes in there.

And look, quite frankly, I get it if you don’t want to develop your next project Swith us. Maybe you just don’t have the cutthroat business acumen that I do! But good luck finding any good alternatives without me! We aren’t replaceable!

Also, why does everyone keep asking why I sold all my stock in the company last week? Could we talk about that less?

Starfield Best Ship to Buy Guide: What Are The Best Ships?

Trying to figure out which ship is the best to buy in Starfield? We don’t blame you–there are over 250 pre-made ships in Starfield to earn, hijack, or simply buy from vendors spread out across the galaxy, and the dizzying array of options for customization will complicate things even further. This Starfield guide will highlight two of the best stock ships that you can buy from a vendor.

Aegis

This Class B ship is only available at the Staryard located on Deimos, one of Mars’ moons, in the Sol System, where you will need to speak to Nikau Henderson. At a cost of just over 180K Credits, this ship is very evenly balanced in almost all aspects in its base configuration, without forcing you to compromise, or shell out heavily for upgrades in the short-term. Armed with very effective shield-neutralizing Lasers, the remainder of this combat-oriented ship’s high-powered armament will blast right through defenseless enemy ships. If there really is anything negative to be said about the Aegis, it would be in regards to the paltry Cargo capacity, but this is easily mitigated with cheap upgrades.

Fuel Hull Cargo Reactor Crew Jump Shield LAS BAL MSL
800 721 200 21 5 30 LY 610 20 96 68

Starfield Best Ship: Stronghold

Once you’ve cut your teeth on 30 enemy ships in combat and attained Rank 4 in the Piloting skill, you will have finally opened up the world of Class C ships. The Stronghold is one of the best in its class, and goes for something in the region of 300K Credits, nearly double the cost of a stock Aegis. It can be purchased from the Ship Services Technician in Akila City on the planet Akila, in the Cheyenne System. While bristling with Lasers and Ballistics, the stock Stronghold is completely lacking in Missiles, and this is the only shortcoming in an otherwise stellar ship. Not to worry though, as the Stronghold is also heavily customizable.

Fuel Hull Cargo Reactor Crew Jump Shield LAS BAL
2200 1047 2360 27 6 30 LY 1600 36 48

And those are the two best ships you can buy in Starfield. Check out our guide on how to move faster in Starfield once you’re on the ground, with the secret boost jump method.

How to Move Faster in Starfield: Boost Jump Movement Guide

Loving Starfield but want to know how to move faster on the ground? Well, here’s a novel method to greatly speed up those long journeys across planets. This Starfield guide will show you how to access a variation of the standard boost jump you’ve been using so far.

Bind Secret Boost Jump To A Key: Starfield

It really is that simple. On PC, access the menu, then navigate to Settings, followed by Bindings. Scroll down a little to the key binding for Jump, which by default is SPACE under the “MAIN KEY” column. Do not modify it, as you will need its verticality in other situations. Instead, click the empty binding under the “ALT KEY” column. Assign a key of your choosing. Ideally, this would be a key close to the spacebar, since it will function as your alternate boost jump maneuver, but you could also use an unassigned mouse button. Once you’ve set that up, head back to the game.

Note: Due to keybinds being necessary, this method unfortunately only works on PC.

Testing Your New Boost Jump Method To Move Faster in Starfield

Press the spacebar to initiate a normal unpowered jump, followed by your alternate boost jump key, though you can also opt to double tap the latter. Whereas the regular boost jump has more of a vertical trajectory, the alternate boost jump catapults you much farther horizontally without gaining as much in the way of height. Combine with running or sprinting and you will cover a lot more distance now. Moreover, you also have a much greater range of motion while in the air when paired with a direction key, allowing for some very high agility and mobility, especially in boost jump combat. With the right skills and Boostpack combo as well as some practice, you can viably circle strafe the opposition while remaining airborne.

How to Move Faster in Starfield: Best Boostpack

The Skip Capacity Boostpack is the natural choice, since it is designed for staying aloft to begin with and has fast fuel regeneration for more consecutive thrusts. A close second is the Balanced Boostpack for slightly less forward momentum. The Basic Boostpack is better than the Power Boostpack if it comes down to a choice between the two, since the latter will still launch you much more vertically than horizontally, and expend almost the entirety of its fuel reserves in a single thrust, while also regenerating the slowest of all Boostpacks. Keep in mind that planetary gravity plays a role in optimal Boostpack selection and usage as well.

Starfield Boost Pack Training Skill

While you will require Rank 1 in this skill to even make use of Boostpacks, Ranks 2 and 3 are when you will start to really enjoy boost jump strafing, with Boostpacks using less fuel and regenerating fuel much quicker, respectively. Rank 4 is the cherry on top, and doubles the effect of both. The Challenge to unlock each rank is simply using boost jump during combat–ten, twenty, and fifty times.

Starfield Boost Assault Training Skill

This skill is not necessary if you only intend to use the secret boost jump method for map traversal. But if you do invest in it, it will allow you to knockdown or set enemies on fire when you boost, as well as hover and even activate a kind of bullet-time effect while suspended in the air.

That’s everything you need to know about the alternate boost jump method in Starfield. While you’re here, check out the lowdown on New Game Plus in Starfield!

All the Mainline Yakuza Games Ranked, Because That’s All I Could Afford

When you think of games that release new entries nearly every year, you might think of series like Pokémon or Call of Duty, but there are also series that actually get better with each new game. RGG Studios’ Yakuza franchise, now Like a Dragon, started with humble origins like its protagonist before evolving in nearly every way in subsequent games.

The series was fairly unknown in the West until as recently as the release of Yakuza: Like a Dragon, which coincided with the remastered prequels gaining further recognition due to ease of access. Unfortunately, there are two spin-off characters at this point in the series, plus there’s the games where we go to an alternate dimension where Kiryu is a Samurai and Majima is… basically still Majima. 

There’s also the character that’s a detective on the other side of the law as Kiryu and friends. Those are the Judgement games, but they just ported those games to PC and I haven’t got to play them yet, so that’s on RGG. Regardless, it shares many of the same themes, which is a deeply dramatic story intercut by intense arcade or karaoke sessions to lessen the tension caused by your friend dying roughly 20 minutes before.

Due to the price of games today and regional differences in releases, we’re just going to be ranking the main Yakuza games, post-remaster, into the most recent Yakuza: Like a Dragon. Thankfully this got greenlit before Like a Dragon: Infinite Wealth, (see: Yakuza 8) so nothing RGG Studios can do about us calling the series by its God-given name until then.

If you disagree with any of these rankings feel free to meet me on the streets of Kamurocho outside of the Don Quixote at sunset tomorrow. Yakuza 1 and Yakuza 2 are #10 and #9, respectively, because they didn’t get remasters and are therefore not worthy of our consideration. Also, I can’t afford them right now. 

#8 – Yakuza 4 Remastered

RGG took the number in this game’s title a little too seriously, seeing as standard protagonist Kiryu has to share the spotlight with three other people. Each character experiences their own mini-story before it all culminates with, you guessed it, another one of Kiryu’s new friends getting shot intentionally. While gun statistics show that America is one of the most likely places to get shot, the second most likely place is anywhere within 10 feet of Kazuma Kiryu in the final hour of a Yakuza game. While it does a great job of providing a new perspective, it doesn’t provide anything new outside of that.

The mini-games are kind of lame, but there is evolved content over Yakuza 3, including new golf levels that feel like they require as much luck as skill. There are also 11 new songs that you can cycle through before you end up landing on Machine Gun Kiss for the thirtieth time.

Where to Play: PlayStation, Xbox, Steam, and sometimes on eBay between a broken Nintendo Switch and six loose Amiibo’s.

#7 – Yakuza 3 Remastered

So if you’re playing the games in order like this idiot did, you might be completely unprepared for the stark difference in polish coming off of Yakuza 0, Kiwami 1, and Kiwami 2. It’s not a bad game and I would die for those kids if they asked, and kill for them for even less, but just be prepared for a harder time navigating. That being said, I did amazing the first time the golf minigame showed up with that city council big wig, and then Kiryu manipulated a man who hurt his children. A little lighter than my suggested approach, but Kiryu is a patient king.

While it’s rough to play, at least you spend the entire game playing as one of the actual main characters, with some plot lines building off of what happened in the first two titles. The mini-games are pretty basic, but it’s the first time the Morning Glory area is introduced and that’s important for at least one more game.

Where to Play: PlayStation, Xbox, Steam, and that one physical game store that’s managed to survive in your town because it’s also a drug front.

#6 – Yakuza 5 Remastered

While this game also shows that there was a period of time when RGG forgot where their butter is breaded by splitting the focus to multiple story threads, Yakuza 5 is one of the more expansive titles in length and number of locations. Just like in Yakuza 4, players will go through different narrative stories in the deteriorated shoes of the four characters from the previous game. This includes the first playable appearance of Kiryu’s surrogate daughter, Haruka. She’s an icon with a whole dance battle segment to prove it.

As is standard, the minigame selection is expanded, with some games having multiple locations around the five different neighborhoods. Some Club SEGA locations even have a collaboration with the Taiko No Tatsujin that’s almost as addicting as the karaoke and dance rhythm games, which is why they removed it in subsequent titles.

Where to Play: PlayStation, Xbox, and Steam. Your friend’s cool older brother probably has a copy somewhere too.

#5 – Yakuza 6: The Song of Life

Fortunately, Yakuza 6 was released as recently as 2018, which means that it doesn’t suffer from the same pitfalls as the previous three on this list, which is a mercy. What also works in this title’s favor is returning the focus to the series staple in the ultimate conclusion of his journey… until he returns in Like a Dragon: Gaiden and Like a Dragon: Infinite Wealth in the next year, but that doesn’t count. While RGG didn’t reveal it at the time, this would be the last real Yakuza game, with Yakuza: Like a Dragon serving as a transition title ahead of the new name formula moving forward.

That being said, it’s RGG’s most polished vision of its most successful series outside of remakes, remasters, and prequels, so rightfully in the middle of the list. There is a weird mini-game where Kiryu talks to cam-girls in the horniest thing to come out of Japan since we started Smashin’ Bros.

Where to Play: PlayStation, Xbox, Steam, also probably game retail. It only came out five years ago.

#4 – Yakuza Kiwami 2

If you’ve made it this far, you’ve finally started hitting the good stuff, with both of the Yakuza Kiwami titles being faithful recreations of the stories that started it all. Not only that, but they’re also up to the quality of Yakuza 6, 7, and 0, which isn’t easy. Without giving too much away, Kiwami 2 builds on the first game by showing how Kiryu deals with his new lifestyle of loss with Haruka, struggling to tackle a new round of chaos after only a year off.

The mini-games in this title are largely the same as Kiwami, but the emotional songs in the karaoke sections have an extra layer of depth due to it being the sequel. You’ll have a hard time seeing the controls through your tears while RGG snickers over its unbelievably high piles of money.

Where to Play: PlayStation, Xbox, or Steam for about $20. Worth.

#3 – Yakuza Kiwami

This is a faithful recreation of the Yakuza game that started it all, showing Kazuma Kiryu as he willingly takes the fall for his best friends and spends over a decade in prison. Would you risk constant assassination for three years to protect your best friend? Kiryu would. Even after it’s proven that this was kind of in vain when he’s released early in the game, he still works to help his friends until the last second. A much better friend than someone who kisses your girlfriend while you’re on vacation… Steven.

While Yakuza Kiwami is a little light on mini-games, there’s plenty to do across the city. However, the real appeal is the story, which honestly shattered me in every sense of the word. For being so damned melodramatic, I would give anything to write a story half as effective as the story in the original Yakuza title.

Where to Play: PlayStation, Xbox, or Steam. You could also fight someone on the street and hope that it randomly drops when you defeat them.

#2 – Yakuza: Like a Dragon

This is the most recent main entry into the Yakuza series, with a new title expected to be released sometime in 2024. It changes up the formula of past titles, introducing a new turn-based combat that is way more fun as it evolves, and it’s pretty damn fun at the start. The story isn’t the best in the series, but taking on the new protagonist Ichiban as a way to move the series forward is a genius move.

The depth and extent of the mini-games are nothing less than shocking with how impressive they are. The building management game is incredible and I would play an entire series of management simulators if RGG made them, but they’re too dedicated to making each little experience in these games perfect.

Where to Play: PlayStation, Steam, or Xbox. It’s one of the most recent titles and it’s $60 before tax, so uh… be warned of that.

#1 – Yakuza 0

Remember how I complained earlier about RGG Studio not recognizing when they had a good protagonist and sticking with it? They showed a clear opposite in this when they created a dichotic story where you play equally as Kiryu and pre-insanity Goro Majima, which is like a flower that is just beginning to sprout. In fact, players actually get to play through Majima’s story and see what has driven him insane in a really strong start to any Yakuza series playthrough.

What’s even better about Yakuza 0 is it takes place all the way back in 1985, which means that Kiryu, Majima, and their trips around Kamurocho and Sotenbori are heavily reminiscent of that time. There aren’t any Karaoke mini-games in this title, instead focusing on a disco dancing game instead. It was a rich time in Japan, and this is apparent in the millions of Yen that fall out of your opponent’s pockets when they stub their toes, but everything is also incredibly expensive.

Where to Play: PlayStation, Xbox, Steam. Time travel back to the 1980s and live on the streets of Tokyo as you work to defend your clan’s honor against those who seek to harm it.

 

 

Silent Protagonist Actually Kinda Chill Once You Get to Know Him

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Realizing his initial judgment of the character was inaccurate, local gamer Troy McKenzie discovered that The Legend of Zelda’s silent protagonist Link is actually a pretty laid-back guy if you give him a chance.

“My first playthrough of Tears of the Kingdom was painfully awkward,” said McKenzie. “Link didn’t utter a single word the entire time. He clearly had his walls up, but I could sense there was a deeper bond waiting to be forged. And sure enough, after 900 silent hours in the game, completely out of nowhere, he was all like ‘Damn, Ganondorf needs to take that stick out of his ass, am I right?’ and we both just burst out laughing. And that’s the thing about Link: he’s actually chill as hell. He’s also got this dry sense of humor that catches you off guard, but he only shows it once you’re around your twelfth playthrough.”

Nintendo game director Shigeru Miyamoto clarified that Link’s sudden talkativeness was a deliberate design choice.

“People always think we made Link silent so the player could project their own thoughts and feelings onto the character,” said Miyamoto. “But let me tell you, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Link can talk, okay? It’s just that most of you don’t give the guy a goddamn chance. You’d rather him stand there while you project all your bullshit onto him, which probably just makes it harder for him to open up. Selfish bastards.”

Avid gamer Ada Costello has managed to crack open several silent protagonists across numerous franchises.

“It’s all about having patience and finding the right moment,” said Costello. “You just need to learn what they like. For example, Gordon Freeman can talk physics for days, and it’s fascinating. And Doomguy? We’ve spent hours debating the merits of the double-barrel shotgun over the plasma rifle. All these guys are surprisingly mellow once they’re comfortable around you. It’s like they’ve been waiting their whole lives for someone to just listen.”

When reached for comment, Link said nothing.

Influencer With Dwindling Charisma Respecs Into Bigotry

OAKLAND, Calif. — Popular Twitch streamer and YouTube creator KingOfAllW0rlds has been met with scrutiny lately, which means he’s about to get a whole lot worse.

“Well, after you get criticised as a white guy in content creation it’s like, where do you go? NFTs? Racism? Crypto? Transphobia? I decided, yes,” said the streamer in a now-viral clip. “So if all the snowflakes and attack helicopters on Twitter don’t like me anymore — that’s fine. I’m just gonna tell it like it is. For example, women should not be allowed to ever tell me — a man, what to do. That right is exclusively reserved for my gorgeous, sultry, shapely and if I may say so; handsome teammates.”

Though polarizing some, many fans of the streamer vocalized that they’d still be supporting him, despite his respec into bigotry. 

“He’s totally changing things up and it fuckin’ rips, bro,” said Malcolm Childs, a devout, longtime KingOfAllW0rlds viewer. “He’s not gonna let the status quo tell him what to do and what to say anymore. That’s reserved for RAID: Shadow Legends and RAID: Shadow Legends only! Get that sponsorship bag, baby! He’s used to being under fire, it happens to him all the time in the game. Now he’s getting aggressive and fighting back, especially against all those people who suggested he might be misinformed about that one thing he said!”

In a later interview with an online publication, the embattled influencer outlined a grand vision for his change in personality.

“It can be content, y’know?” said KingOfAllW0rlds. “It can be part of my brand that I think non-binary people are an assault to my personal freedom or whatever. Well, that and my funky shades. 20% off on my store, people! Hahaha.”

Shortly after the interview went live and it became public that he’d been unfaithful to his wife, KingOfAllW0rlds called his new demeanour “a great respec”, and claimed to have pulled it off so successfully he may as well have a doctorate.

Google Unsure What Ads to Give Boring Hobbyless Husk of a Man

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — Scratching their heads in bewilderment, Google’s marketing team reportedly struggled to decide which advertisements to give boring, hobbyless husk of a man, Brad Hawthorne.

“Typically, we cater a user’s ads based on their preferences and interests, but Mr. Hawthorne seems to distinctly lack both of those,” explained Google marketing strategist Kate Quillen, furrowing her brow. “In fact, there’s no evidence that this sad little empty shell does anything at all. And we’ve tried our best, really. We even eavesdropped on his phone, but all we could hear was a fan blowing in the background, and him occasionally clearing his throat.”

Hawthorne was surprised to receive a special message from Google in place of an advertisement.

“Hm, what is this? ‘Sorry, but personalized ads require a personality’,” muttered Hawthorne, squinting at his screen. “I don’t have a personality? Nonsense! I have all kinds of interesting quirks and hobbies! For example, uh… there’s… uh, well… I have a novelty coffee mug on my desk! Is that something? Or what about yearning for a more fulfilling existence? I’m pretty sure I’m the world champion at that! See, Google, I’ve got plenty of things going for me!”

Google CEO Sundar Pichai expressed frustration as more hobbyless users continue to pop up.

“Every day, we come across more users who have no data whatsoever,” said Google CEO Sundar Pichai. “Their only location history is them going back and forth from their home and work, and their only purchase history is a really loud box fan. We’re talking about individuals who have never even gone bowling or fly fishing. These people are truly impossible to advertise to, and are damaging our bottom line every single day. Our entire model relies on people liking things, so come on guys, go carve a pumpkin or something, I don’t fuckin’ know.”

As of press time, Hawthorne finally stepped out of his comfort zone by switching to Bing.

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