Gary Kerls, Author at Hard Drive

What Is the Most Popular Anime in Each State?

Posted on September 12, 2023 by Kevin Podas

Anime has come a long way in popularity over the years. What was once a niche hobby enjoyed exclusively by antisocial weirdos, is now enjoyed by a mainstream populace of antisocial weirdos the whole world over. And thanks to the advent of things like Toonami, DVD boxsets, and streaming services, anime has had its fair share of success in America especially. Today we’ll take a look at what we’ve determined are the most popular anime in each state of the US.

Alabama: Fruits Basket

For whatever reason, Alabama just really loves Fruits Basket, an anime that is rife with plotlines that involve romancing one’s own cousin.

Alaska: Vinland Saga

The stories of vikings traveling the world and enduring harsh climates is very relatable to Alaskans, who suffer through brutal weather conditions just to get to their local Wal-Mart.

Arizona: Chainsaw Man

The sun tends to fry people’s brains in Arizona, so a lot of people can probably relate to Chainsaw Man’s protagonist Denji, who may or may not have a few screws loose. “He’s just like me FR,” they say.

Arkansas: Cardcaptor Sakura

The home state of Bill Clinton just loves the story of Sakura Kinomoto, a schoolgirl who has to retrieve a set of magical cards. Matter of fact, a lot of series by manga artist group Clamp are fairly popular there.

California: Keep Your Hands Off Eizouken!

There’s nothing Hollywood loves more than movies about making movies. So naturally, California loves the closest thing to that in anime: Keep Your Hands Off Eizouken!, which is an anime about making an anime. Meta!

Colorado: Gintama

I’ve never been to Colorado and I’ve never seen Gintama, but people sure do seem to love both of them a lot. They probably toke up and enjoy the comedic antics of Gintoki Sakata and his friends, I imagine.

Connecticut: Yu Yu Hakusho

Sandwiched in between New York and Massachusetts, this east coast state with a chip on its shoulder absolutely loves Yu Yu Hakusho. They probably appreciate and respect Yusuke Urameshi’s school punk, don’t-take-shit attitude.

Delaware: Slam Dunk

When people think ‘anime’, they probably don’t think of sports immediately. There are a lot of great sports anime out there though, a fact that clearly hasn’t gone over Delawarians’(?) heads and their love for Slam Dunk.

Florida: JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure

I mean, what’s more “bizarre” than Florida, am I right? This generation-spanning series is incredibly popular in Florida, probably thanks in large part to the fact that Part 6: Stone Ocean takes place there. Not a lot of other anime would be willing to use Florida as a major story setting, I imagine.

Georgia: Beastars

Georgia absolutely eats up Beastars, a series about anthropomorphic animals that go to high school together. Maybe there’s a lot of furries in Georgia? I don’t know. Let us know in the comments if you’re a furry who lives in Georgia.

Hawaii: Dorohedoro

Hawaii is always kinda doing their own thing, since, you know, they can’t hang out with all of us continental states over here. Dorohedoro is an anime that isn’t concerned with what everyone else is doing either, free to be as weird and wild as it wants to be.

Idaho: One-Punch Man

The farmers of Idaho pretty much idolize Saitama’s strength to defeat anyone in a single punch, and maybe they like that his bald head looks like a potato or something. I don’t know. What else is Idaho famous for besides potatoes, I got nothing.

Illinois: Naruto

The story of a down-on-his-luck ninja who rose to prominence despite his limitations is relatable to many people from Illinois, including the former hokage of Chicago herself: Lori Lightfoot!

Indiana: Berserk

Berserk is a story of enduring struggle, hardships, and intense misery, which are themes that people who are forced to live in Indiana might be able to relate to just a little bit.

Iowa: Mob Psycho 100

What’s wrong with being ordinary? Is everyone as special as they think they are? Mob Psycho 100’s stories and themes resonate greatly with the citizens of Iowa, who are completely okay with just being another “fly-over state”.

Kansas: Samurai Champloo

The Sunflower State loves the plot to Samurai Champloo, which sees the characters set out on a journey to find the Sunflower Samurai. There are more than enough sunflower fields present in the show for them to pretend like the characters are in Kansas instead of 17th century Japan.

Kentucky: Legend of the Galactic Heroes

Kentucky takes their anime pretty seriously apparently, hailing this classic series as an absolute pinnacle of the medium. If you place anything else higher up on your MyAnimeList profile, they’ll kick you out of the state so fast your head will spin.

Louisiana: Food Wars

Louisiana is known for their exquisite cuisine and southern home cooking, so it’s no surprise that Food Wars is the most popular there. Honestly I don’t even know if they’ve seen it or if they just saw the word “Food” and got hungry.

Maine: Death Note

Thanks to Stephen King, there’s nothing that the residents of Maine love more than a good old fashioned spooky story. And what’s spookier than a suspenseful thriller about a kid who gets a notebook with the power to kill anyone? …Now I’m suddenly starting to see why they tried to ban this manga in school libraries.

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Mortal Kombat 1 Release Time Guide: When Does MK1 Come Out?

Posted on September 12, 2023 by Noah Hunter

If you’re a fan of fighting games, you’re probably looking forward to the upcoming release time of Mortal Kombat 1. The latest title from NetherRealm Studios looks to reset the timeline (again) with Liu Kang at the helm. Plenty of fan favorites return in MK1, such as Reptile and Smoke. Additionally, an all-new Kameo system has been revealed that allows you to call in fighters during matches. The release date is almost here, but when exactly can you play Mortal Kombat 1? Here’s what you need to know.

Mortal Kombat 1 Release Time

The release date may differ depending on what edition of the game you have purchased. If you purchase the Premium Edition of the game, you will gain access to it a whole five days early. So, this means that starting September 14, Mortal Kombat 1 will be playable for Premium Edition owners. The first Kombat Pack is also included in this edition of the game, and it will retail for $109.99 USD.

For everyone else buying the standard edition, you will be able to play the game on September 19. This goes for all platforms the game is available on. Below, you can find the exact timing of when you can play MK1 for early access and its worldwide release.

Early Access Release Time

September 14 @ 10 AM PDT

September 14 @ 12 PM CDT

September 14 @ 1 PM EDT

Standard Edition Release Time

September 18 @ 9 PM PDT

September 18 @ 11 PM CDT

September 19 @ 12 AM EDT

Mortal Kombat 1 Preload Information

As for preloading, you can expect to be able to preload Mortal Kombat 1 around 48 hours prior to the game’s release. For Early Access owners, this also applies to you. So, this allows for enough time to download the entirety of the game regardless of how fast your internet may be.

Mortal Kombat 1 will release worldwide on September 19, 2023. You can purchase the game on PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X|S, PC via Steam, and Nintendo Switch.

Clarence Thomas Pauses Supreme Court Hearing to Thank Twitch Donors

Posted on September 11, 2023 by Cameron Snow

WASHINGTON — Abruptly taking a moment away from the highest court’s deliberation, sources have confirmed that Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas paused a hearing to thank the top-contributing donors in his Twitch stream.

“Thanks for the bits, haha_Harlan,” said Thomas, diverting his attention from the hearing to celebratorily dance before reading more names. “Thank you for the sub, squid_jimmy, and shoutout to TJ for always sticking with the stream. Remember, chat, every single dollar we raise helps shape a better future. And by future, I mean dollar margarita night is going to go fucking bonkers tonight. Now put a thumbs up in the chat if you want to see me block student debt relief!”

The Supreme Court Justice’s stream has garnered a large, devoted following, with viewership rivaling the most popular gaming channels on Twitch.

“This is democracy at its finest,” said Evan Beaumont, one of the stream’s highest donors. “Why should we even vote in the election when you can donate directly to Mr. Thomas and tip the scales of justice in real time? Plus, if you donate more than 5000 bits, he says your name and does a funny little jig – talk about incentivizing civic participation!”

Thomas’ fellow justices disapproved of his antics.

“We’re not upset that Clarence is live-streaming our hearings on Twitch. That’s fine. What irks us is that he’s hoarding all the goddamn profits for himself,” remarked Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor. “What about the other justices, huh? Where’s our cut? Don’t make us start our own streams, Clarence. We’ll dilute your audience, and then you’ll be nothing. Or better yet, we could impeach you for violating Twitch’s terms and agreements.”

As of press time, Clarence Thomas has signed a $100 million dollar deal to exclusively stream hearings on Kick.

Every NFL Starting Quarterback’s Favorite Video Game

Posted on September 11, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

As week one of the NFL comes to a close, we noticed that everyone is writing about this stuff, but it’s all matchups this and final fantasy football that. No one is asking the important questions, like what is every starting quarterback’s favorite video game. Except us. We’re asking that. Check it out!

**Arizona Cardinals — Joshua Dobbs (Kyler Murray on PUP to start the season): None**

Dobbs is terrified of video games. He’s pretty sure that not playing video games is the only reason he has a spot on the roster.

Atlanta Falcons — Desmond Ridder: Rune Factory 5

It’s not a great game. It’s not even a great entry in the series. But hey, it’s competent enough to hold down the franchise until the next entry comes along.

Baltimore Ravens — Lamar Jackson: Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 (Game Boy Advance)

While the GBA was an incredible handheld, you wouldn’t think that it had the right tools to run a Tony Hawk game. Not only would you be wrong, but it turns out that the Tony Hawk games would be among the greatest GBA games of all time. Go figure.

Buffalo Bills — Josh Allen: Farm Simulator 2023

Allen reportedly puts on his old jeans and a ragged flannel before sitting down alongside a Labrador retriever to play this game. His family sits and waits for him to have a “good year” before they can eat dinner.

Carolina Panthers — Bryce Young: Minecraft: Java Edition

Young insists that the Java Edition is the only version worth playing.

Chicago Bears — Justin Fields: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

I mean, yeah. This tracks, right?

Cincinnati Bengals — Joe Burrow: Diablo IV

It’s a premiere franchise title that is basically guaranteed to be successful. But still, you just can’t see it ever winning Game of the Year, can you?

Cleveland Browns — Deshaun Watson: Unknown

Deshaun Watson’s Steam profile is private. Frankly, I don’t want to do any more research than that.

Denver Broncos — Russell Wilson: Hogwarts Legacy

Hogwarts Legacy is currently the best selling game of the year.

Detroit Lions — Jared Goff: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Goff has always loved Navi. Just having a guide with him at all times, telling him exactly what to do, is something that brings him enormous comfort. He became completely lost and immediately ran off a cliff when he tried to play Breath of the Wild.

Dallas Cowboys — Dak Prescott: Red Dead Redemption 2

Apparently, Dak takes this game dead seriously. He just loves Westerns and wants to live in one. He even insists his teammates refer to him as “Hoss,” though few of them actually do so. Mike McCarthy calls him “Huss” at least twice a day. It’s unclear whether that’s an accidental slip-up or not.

Green Bay Packers — Jordan Love: Mass Effect Andromeda

Love says that while he appreciates the merits of the original Mass Effect trilogy, he likes the fresh take that Andromeda brought to the series.

Houston Texans — C.J. Stroud: Minecraft

Stroud runs his own server. He has a very strict “no swearing” rule.

Indianapolis Colts — Anthony Richardson: Roblox

Richardson had created several popular games in Roblox and had earned a few hundred dollars from them before he was drafted. After he signed with the Colts, Roblox developers learned that he was associated with a union and banned him from the game.

Jacksonville Jaguars — Trevor Lawrence: No Man’s Sky

Everyone was hyping the hell out of this game, only to be tremendously disappointed when it was released in a seemingly unfinished state. Lawrence stuck it out through all the updates, though, and is enjoying an excellent space-adventure game in 2023.

Kansas City Chiefs — Patrick Mahomes: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

There are plenty of people who call this the best Zelda game of all time. Of course, there is a vocal contingent who say that it doesn’t count because it does things differently than the earlier games. I guess only time will tell.

Las Vegas Raiders — Jimmy Garoppolo: The Sims 4

Garoppolo reportedly spends his offseasons creating and playing as a multitude of hideous Sims in order to learn what life is like for a “Uggos.” His words, not mine.

Los Angeles Chargers — Justin Herbert: Dave the Diver

Justin Herbert is on record cursing his talent as a football player. He states he would rather be a diver for a fresh-caught sushi restaurant. Dave the Diver is his only outlet until he retires.

Los Angeles Rams — Matthew Stafford: The Witcher 3

Stafford has been a fan of CD Projekt Red for a while. He was super into the first two Witcher games, even when they were niche titles that didn’t perform too well with a general audience. After the success of the third game, he now has to deal with the disappointment that is Cyberpunk 2077.

Miami Dolphins — Tua Tagovailoa: Fall Guys

Get it? Because of the concussions?

Minnesota Vikings — Kirk Cousins: StarCraft II

You’d never know it from what the media reports, but Kirk Cousins is a solid StarCraft player. Like, low-ish Diamond tier. He weirdly relies on the queue way too much for a player of his caliber, but has good actions per minute.

New England Patriots — Mac Jones: Halo Infinite

The heir to a legendary franchise, Halo Infinite has been deemed underwhelming by many. That hasn’t been a problem for Jones, who says he believes the game will improve over time so long as it has steady leadership.

New Orleans Saints — Derek Carr: Super Monkey Ball

Carr is very vocal about the fact that he only likes the first couple of titles that were released on the GameCube. After that, he says that they totally screwed up Monkey Target. He is correct.

New York Giants — Daniel Jones: New Horizons

Jones becomes visibly excited if you ask him about his Animal Crossing island. He will eagerly tell you about his “friends.” It is apparent that he cycles through neighbors regularly, though he favors Jock-type Villagers, as he likes to, “talk sports,” with them.

New York Jets — Aaron Rodgers: Orwell: Keeping an Eye on You

Rodgers claims this is the most important game of all time, but if pressed, it becomes increasingly clear that he has never played it.

Philadelphia Eagles — Jalen Hurts: God of War Ragnarök

Hurts loves this game. He really thought it should have won Game of the Year. His greatest disappointment of the past year is that Elden Ring beat it for most awards.

Pittsburgh Steelers — Kenny Pickett: Ark: Survival Evolved

An extended Early Access period led to lots of hype and hope, but the actual product has been disappointing so far.

San Francisco 49ers — Brock Purdy: Among Us

It was kind of a nothing game at first that was only given a chance for success due to extraordinary circumstances. Turns out, it’s awesome! That’s very lucky for Purdy, who has been a fan all along.

Seattle Seahawks — Geno Smith: Street Fighter 6

Finding release in fighting games is what allowed Smith to become a franchise quarterback.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Baker Mayfield: RollerCoaster Tycoon

Mayfield spends most hours of the day playing RollerCoaster Tycoon. He has tried multiple times to sell the advertising rights to his virtual theme parks.

Tennessee Titans — Ryan Tannehill: Star Wars: The Old Republic

Oh shit! I forgot The Old Republic was still around! Yeah, it’s always been an okay game.

Washington Commanders — Sam Howell: Friday the 13th: The Game

This game has been nearly crippled due to ownership issues, but apparently Howell is still making the most of it.

Clayfighters Turn Into Claylovers After Locking Eyes Halfway Through Bout

Posted on September 11, 2023 by Joe Rumrill

FREEZING FORTRESS — A pair of characters in the N64 cult-classic Clayfighter 63 ⅓ went from being Clayfighters to Claylovers after making unmistakably flirtatious eye contact in the middle of a round, sources confirmed while clearly deciding whether to look away or get a better vantage point.

“I was about to unleash a vicious ‘Snow Plow’ move against my ghoulish opponent, when our eyes met, mine of coal, and his etched into a rotting pumpkin,” said Bad Mr. Frosty, while he welled up with tears that quickly turned to ice cubes. “After that, I couldn’t resist and had to let passion take over. Good thing we’re both made of clay, for we were certainly melded together that night.”

When asked to comment on the impromptu makeout session, Bad Mr. Frosty’s opponent Ickybod Clay waxed poetic.

“For so long, be it by Ecto Ball or tossing my own decaying jack-o-lantern head, I have been blessed with the ability to scare my adversaries” he opined, while bobbing back and forth because no one was using the controller. “But I had never been able to confront the one thing that truly scared me: unbridled physical passion for another clay being.”

Throwback Twitch gamer Razzputin, who was playing the game while the inciting incident took place, was decidedly less florid in their recollection.

“Ground my stream to a screeching halt, I’ll tell you that much. Everybody wanted me to stop my commentary so they could focus on the two clay freaks getting it on.” said the distraught gamer, who will only be sitting in regular, non-gaming chairs for the foreseeable future, in an act of defiance. “I knew I should have just fired up Glover instead. A.G.G, man…Always Go Glover. Now THAT little guy’s not making love to ANYbody.”

At press time, the two Claylovers lost the spark of passion when they rolled just a little too close to disgusting unlockable character Boogerman, who leered just a bit too long.

REPORT: Cicadas Tired Of Going Uncredited In Anime Soundtracks

Posted on September 11, 2023 by Kevin Podas

TOKYO — After numerous anime productions have utilized their auditory likeness over the years, millions of Japanese cicadas are protesting several different animation studios due to their lack of credit in various anime soundtracks, sources have confirmed.

“It honestly makes me sick,” stated one cicada from the abura zemi subspecies. “We’re pivotal foley artists who make up a good portion of the soundtracks to so many iconic anime series. My family and I didn’t see a dime from Evangelion, and that’s why we’re going on strike, or possibly dying in four to six weeks.”

Hideaki Anno, the creator of works such as Neon Genesis Evangelion and Nadia: The Secret of Blue Water, offered some professional insight into the situation.

“The cicadas are completely right,” said Anno. “It wouldn’t be a Japanese summer without hearing them chirping somewhere off in the distance. And we wouldn’t be able to convey that nostalgic atmosphere in anime without recording their vibrating sounds and implementing them into our soundtracks. It also helps for when a shot lingers too long but you don’t want it to look like you’re stalling for time– the cicadas convey an atmosphere of despair and loneliness or whatever my shit is about.”

Large swaths of cicadas have reportedly banded together to unionize against any further aggression.

“One time I was sittin’ there, mindin’ my own business, chirpin’ away, when some guy with a field recorder starts gettin’ a little too close,” said a cicada from the min-min zemi subspecies. “Imagine my fuckin’ surprise when I heard my exact chirp during an episode of Jujutsu Kaisen. Us cicadas have been inspired by what’s goin’ on over in Hollywood and have unionized. We’re currently on strike until we get paid a living wage to be loud, annoying, and disgusting.”

At press time, the cicada strikes are predicted to go on for another 17 years or whenever the next batch of insects are expected to emerge from underground.

‘Mortal Kombat 1’ to Introduce Spiky Blue Shells

Posted on September 11, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

Gamers were shocked today by the announcement that the forthcoming Mortal Kombat 1 would introduce the violent, blue spiky shell made famous in the Mario Kart franchise, sources have confirmed.

“Oh my god, that is so sick and twisted,” said local gamer George York, after seeing the latest Mortal Kombat 1 trailer, which featured an ominous image of the blue spiky shell at the end. “I’ve loved this series since I was a kid, and it’s always so exciting to see what fresh new ways they are going to find to punish and torture your opponent. And god damn, a blue shell is just about the most horrific thing they could’ve put in here. No idea exactly how it’s going to work in Mortal Kombat, but I’m sure it’ll piss everybody off.”

The creator of Mortal Kombat admitted that the new addition was one the team had long requested to make.

“We’ve been wanting to include the blue shell from Mario Kart for a long time actually,” said Ed Boon, creator of the iconic fighting game franchise. “And it just didn’t really fit in with all of the storyline things we were doing with the last series. So, now that we’re restarting the timeline, we can incorporate some things we’ve always wanted, like the blue spiky shell and an exciting new fishing minigame!”

As of press time, Boon also confirmed that Waluigi would be a selectable character in the upcoming Mortal Kombat 1.

Check out our new Mario Kart and Mortal Kombat shirts, available this week only!

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Here Are the Top 30 Noisiest Games To Drown Out the Cries of Your Newborn

Posted on September 10, 2023 by Julien Perez

Everybody tells you how wonderful becoming a parent for the first time is, but what they conveniently leave out is how miserable your life becomes. All this thing does is just cry all day. I’m talking piercing, loud cries that will make any man go insane. Thankfully, I have a stocked up gaming room where I can go to escape it all. I’ve been playing every noisy game in my collection and I think I’ve cracked the code on which games are the best to play when the little one gets out of hand. So, here are the top 30 noisiest games you can play to drown out the cries of your newborn.

#30. Pac-man

Allow the rhythmic SFX to hyper focus your attention on filling Pac-man’s gut rather than your wife’s constant “shushing” to your little screeching offspring.

#29. Pokémon Red

Here’s my secret: Play with a Pokemon at low health and the music is sure to be annoying enough to ignore any wails coming from that “bundle of joy,” you named Greg.

#28. Any Madden Game

This one’s a two-for-one because you’ll be yelling so intensely at the TV that you’ll be unable to hear your son’s blubbering and make your wife think you’re watching football instead of playing those “childish” games she always complains about.

#27. PAW Patrol The Movie: Adventure City Calls

Sure, I felt guilty for playing a game given to me with the sole purpose of bonding with my “future gamer,” as my mom likes to call him, but wow does this game get noisy! The SFX, music, dialogue create the ideal cacophony to muffle the howls from said “future gamer.”

#26. Dead Space

Don’t be fooled by the silence in this game. The echoing rooms and piercing jump-scares will have your heart beating so loud you won’t even remember you had a kid in the first place.

#25. Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag

Sometimes I wonder if I had the option to inhabit another person’s life, I’d probably never come back. Jump in your ship and engage in any naval battle. The noise will be sure to distract you from the harsh realities of having to burp your baby on a daily basis.

#24. Super Smash Bros Brawl

This one can get pretty loud but what’s louder are the waves of nostalgia returning you to a time before responsibilities. Before mortgages, taxes, and anniversary presents. Man, those really were the happiest days of your life.

#23. Fortnite

The controller noises alone make it the perfect game to tune out the shrieks eroding your well-being.

#22. Sonic Adventure 2: Battle

This classic is filled with so much SFX and music, your gaming room will have a sound wave barrier protecting you from that little burden in the living room.

#21. Ratchet and Clank Future: A Crack in Time

Ah, time travel. What a concept. I usually spend my time collecting bolts as it’s the optimal commotion to mask the high-pitch reverberation of stinky diaper hour.

#20. Need For Speed Heat

Let your stress melt away with the powerful hum of a ’65 Ford Mustang. You can put the pedal to the metal and drive through the streets of Palm City without fear of repercussions or accusations of having a death wish.

#19. No Man’s Sky

My PlayStation gets so loud every time I start this bad boy up that it’s become my go-to white noise maker allowing me to get my much needed eight hours of sleep.

#18. Kingdom Hearts III

The key here is the situation commands. They’re excellent for concealing the attention seeking yelps your wife is so very susceptible to.

#17. Candy Crush

This is the perfect on the go game to briefly forget you’re going to be stuck on a six-hour flight with your screaming child next to you. Just make sure your volume is set to its highest setting.

#16. GTA V

Oh, how I miss the beautiful noise of the city. I moved my family to the suburbs to get away from it all and now it’s all I dream about.

#15. SSX Tricky

SSX Tricky is guaranteed to turn all that negativity into positivity. Next, you’ll be looking at that baby of yours like a human tech deck. Just don’t act on those impulses unless you want your wife to scold you. Believe me.

#14. Crash Bandicoot

Crash Bandicoot is full of so many fun noises and sounds that you’ll be smiling through all that obscene name calling your wife does on a near nightly basis now.

#13. Dark Souls 2

I finally went out and touched grass. Seriously, the grass in Dark Souls 2 is loud enough to quell anyone’s darkest thoughts.

#12. The Last of Us Part II

The emotional rollercoaster you’ll be put through will ensure your weeping will outshine his.

#11. Star Wars Episode I: Racer

Are you watching Star Wars: Episode 1 — The Phantom Menace for the hundredth time or are you just playing the PC re-release of Star Wars Episode 1: Racer? What the wife won’t know, won’t hurt her.

#10. Among Us VR

No matter who you play this game with, one thing is for certain, they will talk too closely into their mic. A few hours playing this game will turn any crying toddler into a purring cat.

#9. Double Dragon Neon

The blaring 80’s drenched soundtrack will engulf you like a warm blanket. So much so, you’ll fail to notice the babysitter standing in the doorway reminding you of your marriage counseling appointment.

#8. God Hand

With intense kicks and punches, God Hand will revitalize your belief in a higher power. You’ll be so busy shadow boxing you won’t even notice that wailing half-pint crawling into your personal space.

#7. Guitar Hero 3: Legends of Rock

Rock out and relive those childish dreams you had before the hard fist of capitalism beat it out of you. The nuclear family was once the idyllic image of prosperity, now it’s just the backdrop of a shrill reminder of that one time you didn’t pull out.

#6. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare

There’s nothing quite like the sounds of machine gun fire to quiet down the booming pangs of teething.

#5. Mega-Man Battle Network 6: Cybeast Falzar

Any ordinary person will go mad upon hearing the agonizing racket of the post-game music but if you’re like me and suffering with a case of Weeping Baby Won’t Shut-up Syndrome, it’s just what the doctor ordered.

#4. Dragon Ball FighterZ

The sheer cacophony this game produces will definitely make you forget that your son has Colic and is on hour three of non-stop crying.

#3. Metroid Fusion

There are nights I’m ready to yank out my hair in anguish and on those nights I replay the Neo-Ridley battle in Metroid Fusion. Neo-Ridley’s ear shattering scream is so deafening that you’ll be unable to tell if the sobs coming from the kitchen are your son’s or your wife’s.

#2. Elden Ring

Boot-up the game and just let the menu play. It’s the perfect music to silence the world and reflect upon your choices as a man. You were once alive and free, ready to grab the world by its throat and now you hide in the garage an extra twenty minutes before you walk inside the house. You’re not the man you promised your dad you’d become. You’re just a man full of regret, afraid to face the obligations of life.

#1. Nun Massacre

Be warned. The chase music when the nun appears WILL rupture your eardrums and your marriage. Although the marriage thing may be unrelated.

Hayao Miyazaki Banned From Studio Ghibli Offices After Numerous Attempts To End Retirement

Posted on September 10, 2023 by Kevin Podas

TOKYO — Despite Hayao Miyazaki’s latest feature film The Boy and the Heron being billed as his final work, the acclaimed director has announced once again that he will be returning from retirement, and has subsequently been banned from entering the Studio Ghibli premises.

“We’re fucking sick of this. He’s not allowed back in here,” stated Toshio Suzuki, president of Studio Ghibli. “This is, what, the third time now? We threw him a going away party with cake and everything after The Wind Rises. He promised us this new movie would be his last and, lo and behold, he’s knocking at our door this morning, standing there smiling and holding a new script. …No. He’s banned. I don’t care how ‘magical’ he is, he’s not allowed here or the theme park either just for good measure.”

Miyazaki was reportedly shocked and disappointed to find out that he was no longer welcome.

“I practically built this studio with my own two hands,” said Miyazaki. “Sure, I’m a little indecisive sometimes, but who isn’t? I gave them Totoro, I gave them Porco, I taught millions of kids around the world that deforestation is bad– but go ahead. Hire even more otaku losers to make anime. Fuck, I need a cigarette.”

Miyazaki’s son, Goro Miyazaki, expressed relief at the studio’s decision to ban his father.

“Finally, we can all relax a little more around here,” said Goro. “My dad’s great, but everyone knows he can be a bit of an old crank sometimes. He did apologize for walking out on my movie that I worked really hard on to impress him and stuff, but that’s kinda hard to just forget. He tried to get me to leave with him when they wouldn’t let him back in the building, but I just kinda like… pretended he wasn’t there, and kept working. Man.”

At press time, Miyazaki was seen driving a large cat bus around town and pitching his new script to different studios that would let him inside.

Esports Boyfriend on Being Dumped: “Sad, but the Correct Play”

Posted on September 10, 2023 by Alec Walker

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Avid esports fan and horrendous amateur Halo player Emile Hernandez was dumped by his oft-neglected girlfriend Amy Sanford over the weekend in a move he dubbed tough, but soundly strategic.

“It’s sad, but the correct play,” said Hernandez, through cracker-dry, bloodshot eyes and a strained voice. “I can’t fault her for that. Sometimes the roster just doesn’t click. I wish I could’ve clutched up for my duo, but honestly, with world’s qualifiers coming up I didn’t even really remember she existed. She was right to boot my ass.”

Sanford reportedly realized it was time to end things when she couldn’t even get Hernandez to spend time with her using his own interests.

“I’m literally a vastly popular Halo streamer,” she said. “But every time I asked him to play with me he’d just tell me there are no women on the top 8 teams, so it’d be pointless to squad up. Not only was that not the point, but he’s also dogshit at the game. Playing with him would have been excruciating! He doesn’t even know power weapons come back on a timer. He throws a sweat-drenched hissy fit every time someone else picks up a sniper cause he thinks it’s gone forever, then squeals in merriment like it’s feedin’ time in the pig pen every time it respawns. He’s got the memory of a dead goldfish. He really left me no choice.”

With Hernandez now single, his teammate, gamertag ‘Squirtzy,’ is looking forward to some quality practice.

“You know, usually your teammates would be happy when you get dumped, so you have more time to sink into the game,” he said. “But I don’t think that’s gonna matter for Emile. He already plays 20 hours a day and has shown zero signs of learning a single aspect of this game, so it’s whatever. Sometimes if we’re practicing in the same room we’ll just put up a YouTube video of OpTic Formal’s best plays on his monitor and unplug his controller. There’s no way that partnership of his was going to last.”

Love is blinding, especially for a video game. For Hernandez, his blindness may have lost him a lover, but hopefully he’ll gain the vision to be a quality teammate.