Gary Kerls, Author at Hard Drive

10 Video Game Franchises I’ve Decided Have Gone Woke

Posted on September 15, 2023 by Brad Waters

As we should all be aware by now; video games have followed in the footsteps of TV, movies, music, news, Oreos, swimming and methane and gone woke in every conceivable way. And not only the obvious ones, either! But just how woke? Well, here are the 10 worst offenders from what I can tell.

#1: Alan Wake

Used to be that Alan Wake was about a guy trying to discover the truth of his missing wife in the greatest place on Earth — Washington. It was a perfectly realistic plot we could all relate to, but now there’s some black chick in there too for some reason? And she’s also dealing with abject psychological horrors? Gimme a break, what do they have to be so scared about when so many of us brooding white guys’ wives keep disappearing? More like Alan Woke, am I right?

#2: Pokémon

The kids in Pokémon make far too much money for far too little effort. Every battle they win with their prissy little ducks and teddy bears nets ‘em like $500. What happened to working hard for what you earn?

By the time they get their 4th badge they’ve got the cash to pull their Pokémon out of the Day Care Center 1000 times over, and what do they spend their time in the Day Care Center doing? Breeding endlessly with gender-neutral Ditto. No surprise that thing identifies as non-binary, means it can get away with fucking every other snowflake freak in sight. If I had the badges for strong Pokémon, I’d use them to crush you like the little degenerate you are, Ditto. Alas, the only badges I have are from Vietnam. You’re welcome, bitch.

#3: The Last Of Us

I miss the good old days when The Last Of Us was just about this handsome badass learning to be a Dad again and stopping the zombie apocalypse all at the same time. Now it’s all lesbos kissing and playing guitar at each other. What happened to the violence? The badassery? The brutality? I didn’t even make it past the first kissing scene. I’m going back to Gears Of War.

#4: Gears Of War

Never mind. There’s a woman in it now.

#5: Life Is Strange

Life Is Strange was on the money once upon a time. Yeah, Life Is Strange. Teachers try and keep rogue students in line with a bit of tough love and get cancelled by the woke mob. People are identifying as any gender under the sun and dying their hair all the colors under the rainbow and we’re not even having red-faced, mouth-frothing meltdowns about it. Now it seems Life Is Strange has sided with those same snivelling libs after all. What a shame.

#6: Tetris

I don’t know. It just fucking has, okay? I just have a sixth sense for these things, I can just tell when they’ve gone fucking woke and this has. It’s woke. It’s fucking woke, it’s all woke.

#7: Horny Warp

I used to really dig the chicks from lesser-known classic Steam series Horny Warp right up until Hentai Fantasy when they all started dyeing their hair and identifying as plantfolk or succubi or whatever the fuck else. Yeah, alright ladies. How do I know you’re not gonna try and trans my gender or start demanding free healthcare? I’m going back to Tomb Raider for when I wanna get my rocks off, thanks.

#8: Tomb Raider

Or at least I would, if they hadn’t wussified that as well! Lara’s got less funbags nowadays and more emotional baggage. “Oh, my trauma! Oh, my pain! Life is so hard for me now that I’m some feminist stick figure who still takes no issue with stealing artefacts from indigenous cultures like the colonising harpie I am!” Big whoop, your job is hard and you’re not pretty anymore. I got my dick stuck in a bear trap for 3 days in Afghanistan and I’m probably hotter than you at this rate. Where’s my video game trilogy?

#9: Civilization

So there I am playing Civilization VI, having a great time, blasting my way through the middle ages with the greatest country in the world, America, when who should pipe up but Mahatma Gandhi, admonishing me for my “imperialist attitude” and threatening war with me for trying to colonise his territory? Hello bro? I’m trying to make you fuckin’ weirdos better! Give me another 1,000 years and I would have blessed India with the NFL and Totino’s Pizza Rolls, but nooo! This fucking guy nukes me! Typical left. Play the bigger man from atop your high horse and then atomise your entire country while you’re pillaging Ancient Egypt. This is why we can’t let them win.

#10: Bugsnax

Bugsnax used to stand for something. It was an allegory for war. What a soldier will do when pushed to his physical and mental limit. The things he’ll do to survive. I used to blast my way through commie traitors in the old Bugsnax on the PS1. I used to cave their faces in with my bare hands, I used to tear their intestines out and wear them around my neck as a trophy of my victory — the sight alone telling any man on the other side not to fuck with me. I felt seen. And then that new Bugsnax came out and I met Floofty Fizzlebean, the non-binary Grumpus of Snaxburg, and I realised the war had been lost long ago.

RANKED: The Top 50 Mario Cameo Appearances

Posted on September 14, 2023 by Kevin Podas

Mario sure has done it all, huh? Plumber, doctor, chef, sex worker (wait, was that a dream?). And yet somehow, after all of that, it’s STILL not enough for this megalomaniac. He’s appeared in dozens of games that aren’t even his own, and has even forced characters from other games to dress up as him. Disgusting. Here are the top 50 Mario cameo appearances from throughout the wide world of video games. We’re only including officially sanctioned crossovers, none of that lazy ambiguous callback bullshit.

#50 — Super Smash Bros.

Come on man, there’s a bunch of crossovers in this one. Sure, Mario appears in this game that isn’t his own, but he has to share the stage with like, 85 other characters at this point. It’s not the same, but we’ll give it to him. Here ya go, ya greedy bastard.

#49 — LEGO City Undercover

Here’s a theme you’re going to see a lot on this list: Nintendo desperately trying to make WiiU exclusives seem appealing by adding in Mario cosmetics. Among other Mario items and enemies that appear, you can dress your character up like Mario by having him wear his hat! Here, please take my 60 dollars! I don’t even need it!

#48 — Qix

Mario celebrates a victory whenever you win at Qix, whatever that is. It’s so low on this list because Mario’s idea of “celebrating” is dressing up as stereotypes of different ethnicities. This is almost as bad as Billy Crystal’s “tribute” to Sammy Davis Jr. at the Oscars.

#47 — Just Dance Wii

One of many collaborations between Nintendo and Ubisoft, Mario was included in Just Dance Wii. This may seem all fine and good, but look at him. It looks like a guy in a Mario mascot suit. No I’m not dancing with you dude, and I don’t want a picture right now.

#46 — One Piece: Super Grand Battle! X

This shouldn’t be as strange as it is, and yet… I don’t like seeing Luffy dressed up as Mario. It just seems wrong, for reasons I can’t quite explain. These costumes were unlocked via amiibo scanning, and while I’m not normally big on content being locked behind amiibos, in this case I think it’s a good thing.

#45 — Super Play Action Football

I had no idea that Japan made an (American) football game, let alone one that is published by Nintendo. As per some company mandate, Mario’s face appears on the coin toss before the game. They didn’t have to, and yet they did.

#44 — Rocket League

Oh my god, what have they done– they turned my boy into an extreme racing vehicle! Oh wait, this is just a Mario car, exclusive to the Nintendo Switch version of Rocket League. Close enough.

#43 — 1080° Snowboarding

Apparently there is a realistic Mario in the crowd here, but… I’m not seeing him. People are saying he’s there, and I believe them, but this is kind of a weak cameo if I have to squint to spot the guy.

#42 — Wii Party U

You can dress your character up like Mario. Be honest: did anyone play this?

#41 — Nintendogs

You can dress your damn DOG up like Mario. If someone did that today in real life and posted it on TikTok, they would be flooded with comments about how that’s animal abuse, so we’re putting it lower on the list just to be safe.

#40 — Pokémon Stadium 2

Mario appears on TV in your customizable bedroom. What they don’t tell you, however, is that every copy of Super Mario 64 is haunted. Maybe it helps you unlock a hidden ghost Pokémon.

#39 — Stunt Race FX

Mario’s face is plastered on billboards as you race around. “Hey, I know you’re playing a Nintendo game right now, but we were wondering: have you heard of Mario yet?”

#38 — Fortune Street

Man, what the hell was going on here?

#37 — Miitopia

Aaaand you guessed it: you can once again dress up as Mario. Whoop-dee-doo. In case you forgot how his clothes look, this could serve as a helpful reminder.

#36 — Metroid Prime: Federation Force

This game was a real slap in the face to a lot of Metroid fans, who were practically begging for a new game in the series for years at that point. They would be ‘eating well’ later on, as it were, but at least there were official Mario paint jobs you could put on for your mech suit. “Maybe that’ll soften the blow a little bit,” I’m sure they thought.

#35 — Jump Rope Challenge

This was one of those games that came out during COVID lockdown to help keep people from getting out of shape. I guess they felt there wasn’t enough incentive, so they added Mario to the game. I would like to meet the person who saw this and went, “okay, now I’m ready to lose some weight.”

#34 — The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening

This counts as Mario, full stop. He’s pudgy, he’s got a mustache, he collects mushrooms, and he’s made by Nintendo where, if you couldn’t tell, they can’t help themselves from putting Mario into as many games as possible. It’s not the most egregious example of this in a Zelda game, even on this list, but it’s worthy of this spot nonetheless.

#33 — Wrecking Crew

It’s debatable as to whether or not this is an actual Mario game in the Mario series, but his name’s not in the title so we’re including it here, okay? And that’s just gonna have to be good enough for you. Don’t like it? Leave us a comment and give us some engagement.

#32 — Drill Dozer

Jill, the aptly named protagonist of Drill Dozer, can unlock a Mario costume. It doesn’t appear to have any benefits besides cosmetics and being blatantly referential, but hey, that’s what this whole list is about.

#31 — 1080° Avalanche

A large ice sculpture of Mario appears in this game for players to marvel at. You can’t help but appreciate the craftsmanship on display here, and the shamelessness of Nintendo to lean on their mustachioed mascot at every chance they get.

#30 — Golf

It’s kind of ambiguous as to whether or not that’s Mario in the original version of this game. He’s been referred to as “Ossan”, but so has Mario many times. Regardless, enough people agree that it is him, so it lands near the middle of this list.

#29 — SimCity (SNES)

If you do a good job simulating your city, the mayor will reward you with a giant Mario statue in the vein of the Statue of Liberty. It’s as if Nintendo said, “bring us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning for Mario.”

#28 — Project Zero 2: Wii Edition

If for whatever reason, and no judgment here, you want to dress two Japanese teenage girls up like Mario and Luigi, well, you can. If you want to take all the emotional impact out of any cutscene that they might appear in, this would be the way. Again, if that’s what you’re looking for here.

#27 — Tennis

Well hey, look at that! Mario is the referee here. This wouldn’t be the first, or the last time, that Mario would take on the role of the judge, the jury, and the executioner when it comes to recreational sports. It’s a fun little nod and not much else, but hey, it’s neat that it’s here.

#26 — Taiko no Tatsujin Wii: Kettei-Ban

One of the songs from New Super Mario Bros. Wii is in this game, and when you play it, Mario will appear down below, just as he does in that game. Surely this helps you get into the groove properly, seeing his smiling face and potbelly running around to the beat of the music.

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10 Simpsons Episodes From the Last Decade You Won’t Be Able To Tell if We Made up or Not

Posted on September 14, 2023 by Jerrod Kingery

The Simpsons has been on the air for more than three decades, and while most ardent fans will agree the show isn’t as good as it was at its peak, the last decade has seen some of the creative spark that made the show a household name in the ’90s return to create some truly great episodes. Here are the top 10 episodes of The Simpsons from the last 10 years that you in particular, a self-avowed “die hard” fan, won’t be able to tell if we made up or not, because you’ve just been rewatching seasons three through nine on Disney Plus and haven’t bothered to check out anything the show produced after 1998.

#1. Brick Like Me

This is the LEGO episode of The Simpsons that was released on the heels of the massively successful The LEGO Movie that also served as a sort-of tie in to the Simpsons LEGO playsets that hit stores around the same time. This episode was covered pretty heavily in the press, so you probably at least heard about it, so consider this a gimme to boost your confidence. They’re gonna get harder!

#2. Marge Vs. The Monoculture

When the Kwik-E-Mart is taken over and rebranded by the massive convenience store chain 9-Eleven, a fed-up Marge helps Apu reopen a boutique version of his store to combat the corporate homogenization of Springfield. Meanwhile, Homer falls in love with the fast, fresh sandwiches 9-Eleven makes in-store, and he tries to sabotage Marge’s plan to force them out of town. This just SOUNDS like a modern episode, right? Stay tuned!

#3. Every Dog Has Another Day

A think piece blog post written by Comic Book Guy slamming the current state of Itchy & Scratchy also re-evaluates Poochie, the surfing dog with an attitude voiced by Homer who was famously hated by everyone and died on the way back to his home planet. This resurgence in popularity leads to the announcement of a prequel series, only Homer is being replaced as Poochie’s voice by – you guessed it – guest star Chris Pratt. You know how people online like to bitch about Pratt voicing animated characters being uninspired casting, so this has a real meta appeal. Seems legit!

#4. Barthood

This tribute/parody of Richard Linklater’s years-in-the-making Boyhood is one of those modern Simpsons continuity-breaking episodes that sands the rougher edges off a character, in this case Bart, in order to squeeze them into a particular format. Once upon a time the show would bend the parody to fit its own bizarre point of view, but look, this was deep into the 2010s, what were you expecting?

#5. Vote For Barto

Timed to coincide with Fox’s short-lived Napoleon Dynamite cartoon revival, this episode finds Lisa befriending Napoleon Dynamite himself (voiced again by Jon Heder) as she manages Bart’s campaign for student body president. Also, Homer befriends Napoleon’s braggadocious Uncle Rico (Jon Gries) as they both try to throw a football across Springfield Gorge. They’ve done this sort of cross promotion before, but did they REALLY do this one? Are you willing to hunt through Disney Plus to find out? (Just keep scrolling if not.)

#6. Marge Becomes A Robot

After a fall down the stairs caused by Santa’s Little Helper leaves Marge in a full body cast, Lisa approaches Professor Frink about building a mech suit for her mother since Homer nearly burns down the house trying to cook breakfast with Marge sidelined. But the new CyberMarge uses her newfound power to fight crime instead of cleaning the house. Was this one real, or is this description borne from a tossed off joke mentioned in a single episode? Your season four quoting-ass has no goddamn clue.

#7. Specs And The City

Mr. Burns gifts his employees some high-tech glasses based on Google Glass, those dumb “smart” glasses all the most insufferable tech bros were wearing in the early ‘10s. Turns out Burns was using them to spy on his employees and Homer used his to find out secrets about Marge, but you’re still thinking about that time Homer found Henry Kissinger’s glasses in the power plant toilet, aren’t you?

#8. Choo-Choo Choose Life

Ned Flanders lobbies Mayor Quimby to outlaw abortion in Springfield. Quimby acquiesces, thinking that if he were to advocate for abortion it would expose his extramarital affair. As a result, Quimby’s pregnant, college-aged mistress (guest voice Kiernan Shipka) is forced to have Quimby’s baby. After she’s kicked out of her dorm, she moves in with the Simpsons, where Bart can’t wait for the arrival of the “bastard” child. Would this even be a funny episode, or would the politics render it a preachy slog? Go watch it and see for yourself, it’s right there on your smart TV…or is it?

#9. Spider-Pig: Homercoming

Plopper, Homer’s pet pig introduced in The Simpsons Movie, books a commercial after getting loose at a Springfield Isotopes game and being spotted on the JumboTron. Homer becomes an overbearing stage-father to Plopper, who runs away from a movie he was set to costar in with guest voice Pamela Anderson. You saw The Simpsons Movie at least once, right? Have you watched in in the more than a decade and a half since it came out? Yeah, that’s right, 2007. George W. Bush was President. Don’t you feel old as shit?

#10. Simpsorama

The Planet Express crew from Futurama travels back in time to present-day Springfield and encounters the Simpson family in an attempt to keep them from destroying the future. Oh, and they yet again take the piss out of ‘Jurassic Bark,’ one of the best Futurama episodes, by mocking the sentimentality that made it so endearing. And Bender gets left in the past for 1,000 years. It sounds fine, right? Especially for two shows so far past their prime? They probably made this for sure, don’t you think?

How did you do? Scroll past this picture of Jimmy Carter, history’s greatest monster, to find out!

ANSWER KEY:

Real: 1, 4, 7, 10

Fake: 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 9

Chiptune Band Opens Set With Perfect Cover of Konami Logo Sound

Posted on September 14, 2023 by Joe Rumrill

NEW ORLEANS — Up-and-coming chiptune outfit RUMBLEPAK stunned the crowd at their last show after kicking off their set with a pitch-perfect rendition of the Konami logo, nostalgic sources confirmed.

“I mean, sure it was over in three seconds, but you don’t understand. It sounded EXACTLY like I had just popped Zombies Ate My Neighbors into my SNES,” said audience member Carney Winther, while getting a wistful, faraway look in his eye. “They nailed it. I felt like this was what God gave us ears to hear.”

When asked how the band was able to replicate such a singular sound, RUMBLEPAK guitarist Ariel Oliver was quick to give the blow-by-blow of the process.

“You wouldn’t believe the man-hours we put into it. Different instrument combinations, tempos, and volumes…” she said, beginning to sweat just thinking about it. “Musicians have been trying to cover the Konami sound since the time of Bach and Beethoven, and we were determined to be the first to crack it. For a while there, our practice space was like NASA during a botched launch. And was it all worth it? Hey man, you heard it.”

Officials from the Konami company are set to tap the band for a very special secret project.

“Well, we’ll come clean…we just flat out don’t remember how the sound goes, and we have a lot of throwback titles coming out that are going to need that vintage sound effect.” said Konami CEO Kagemasa Kozuki. “We figured it would be cheaper to just hire the group to come in and rip through thirty different versions of the sound rather than put in all the work to try to replicate it ourselves. You ever try to play that thing? Impossible.”

At press time, RUMBLEPAK returned to the stage for a one-second encore consisting of a cover of “that pig sound you could use in Mario Paint Composer.”

Worthless Scumbag Eric Sparrow Thankfully Found Dead

Posted on September 14, 2023 by Will Carnevale

TRENTON, N.J. — Washed-up skateboarder and worthless scumbag fuck Eric Sparrow has thankfully been found dead at the age of 37.

“Real piece of work, that Sparrow kid,” said the man known to the Element Skateboards team—an early sponsor of Sparrow’s—as Todd the Manager, through a mouthful of food. “Lost us one of our best skaters after he passed off the blame for his jarhead joyride and I was hangry and desperate enough to believe his story. Luckily, Bam used to stand me up next to his dad and claim we were twins, or my ass would’ve been kicked to the curb, too.”

Sparrow was appropriately found nearly three months ago in the burned wreckage of an Elm Street crack house, but due to investigators’ understandable lack of interest in the case, it took the Trenton Police Department several weeks to find anyone willing to confirm the identity of the body, and even longer to get around to announcing Sparrow’s overdue passing to the public.

“Uh, yeah, we’re getting right on that,” said a spokesman for Trenton PD when asked for an update on the investigation at an unrelated press conference, after having to be reminded who Sparrow was. All citizens and members of the press who were present appeared satisfied with TPD’s progress.

Like many sociopaths, Sparrow was notoriously self-serving, deceitful, and impulsive, with a history of arson and at least one semi-public episode of incontinence. After spending some time in Baltimore, Sparrow was forced to relocate back to his hometown in 2007 when his career took a nosedive following a thunderous loss to an upstart young skateboarder at every stage of that year’s Tri-City Skate Competition—a twofold loss for Sparrow, who actually forfeited his car to the winner in a rare instance of keeping his word.

“Eric was a backstabbing, mob-flipping cockroach,” said a man identifying himself only as ‘Steve,’ but whom locals describe as a skateboarding legend and former contemporary of Sparrow’s. “A shithead in more ways than one. Good riddance.”

It’s still unknown whether Sparrow himself set the fire that took his meaningless life, as his brief pursuit of riches and validation reportedly led him to run afoul of local drug dealers, at least one Florida Sheriff’s office, and even the Russian military.

Nintendo Announces ‘Fortnite 99’

Posted on September 14, 2023 by Walker MacDonald

KYOTO — Gamers the world over were treated to the newest slate of games coming to the Switch during this morning’s Nintendo Direct, including an exciting, albeit confusing, new take on the battle royale formula in Fortnite 99.

“Wow! Wasn’t that a video game you would like to play?” said Nintendo’s own Shinya Takahashi after the announcement of My Fairytale Fantasy Farm VI: Crops of Dreams 2 DX, which bookended the announcement of Fortnite 99. “We are excited to introduce our next title exclusively for NSO members only. If you are not an NSO member, please turn off the video now. We mean it. Stop.”

The following trailer emphatically praised this fresh twist on the classic game.

“Experience the world of Fortnite in a head-to-head, all out knockout in Fortnite 99!” exclaimed the narration. “For the first time, experience the fun of Fortnite in a 99 player battle royale! That’s 99 specifically, including you! It’s an all new experience exclusive coming to Nintendo Switch.”

The fan response to the game’s debut was understandably mixed.

“Where the fuck is metroid 4” said one gamer. “Whoa, a new battle royale and 2 more remakes?? Nintendo stans are eating!” said another. “i cant wait for this shit to be around for like a year and then disappear lol,” added Twitter user @That1InsaneGamer.

As of press time, it was announced that Fortnite 99’s service would be discontinued within 48 hours of its release.

Starfield Best Companions Guide: Who Is the Best Companion?

Posted on September 14, 2023 by Michelle Pereira

Spoiled for choice while selecting a Companion in Starfield? Right now, you can only have a single Companion follow you around, at least until a mod drops to address that shortcoming. With 21 Companions to choose from, this Starfield guide will highlight the best Companion to accompany you, and where to find them.

Sam Coe

Sam Coe, one of the best companions in Starfield.

Sam is one of four romanceable Companions in Starfield, and as a member of Constellation, is unmissable on the path of your main quest. Located in New Atlantis on Jemison in the Alpha Centauri System, Sam’s combat capability relies on his three stars in Rifle Certification. The one star in Geology, and two in Payloads will come in handy on those inorganic resource runs, at least until you have an Outpost or three up and running for fully automated mining. Having him aboard your ship with his four stars in Piloting can also mitigate a low personal Piloting skill of your own, thus allowing you to fly Class C ships and potentially punch above your weight in the early game.

Simeon Bankowski – Best Starfield Companions

Simeon, among the best Starfield companions, especially when it comes to combat.

Simeon is all combat, all the time: while completely lacking in any support skills, his gunning abilities are second to none. Starting with two stars in Sniper Certification, you can rely on Simeon to pop heads from afar, while you close the distance. The single stars in both Sharpshooting and Marksmanship only serve to make him even more lethal with an increase in critical hits and damage. If you intend on running and gunning your way through enemies in Starfield, Simeon is your man, and he can be found chilling at the bar and lounge called The Viewport, in New Atlantis on Jemison in the Alpha Centauri Star System. He is an expensive recruit, but if you have a high Persuasion, or even buff it temporarily with either Hippolyta (20%), or one of the various Wines (8-10%), you can slice his asking rate in half.

Sarah Morgan

Another romanceable Companion in Starfield, Sarah can be found in New Atlantis on Jemison in the Alpha Centauri System. Aboard your ship, you will find her four stars in Astrodynamics coming in handy as you fast travel across the galaxy and open up the paths between stars. And once you make planetfall, Sarah leans heavily on Lasers in combat, with her three star rating, while the one star in Botany will give you a slight boost on organic resource runs. Her two stars in Leadership will help buff your Social skill with your crew. Her dialogue can initially be grating on the nerves, but as her affinity with you rises, she will soften significantly.

Starfield Best Companions Honorable Mention: Vasco

As your very first Companion, the reliable Vasco is best left aboard your ship, given his particular skill set. A single star in Aneutronic Fusion will supply that one extra unit of power that makes all the difference in space combat, and two stars in Shield Systems affords you a 40% bonus to your ship’s shield capacity, making your craft harder to kill as well. Electromagnetic weapons on your ship will do 10% more damage, and cost 15% less to utilize in Targeting Mode, by way of Vasco’s one point in EM Weapon Systems.

Those are the best Companions to ride along with in Starfield. Be sure to check out our guides on how to move faster while on the ground, and the best Ships you can buy in Starfield.

Starfield Xbox One Guide: How to Stream & Play

Posted on September 13, 2023 by Michelle Pereira

Want to play Starfield, but all you have is that old Xbox One? Bethesda Game Studio’s latest opus Starfield is finally out, but if you’re on any of the last gen Xbox One consoles, then your hardware officially doesn’t support the retail game. However, there is a completely legitimate method to play Starfield on any old Xbox One model. This Starfield guide will walk you through how you can enjoy next gen gaming on your old console, and for a fraction of the game’s cost at retail.

Stream And Play Starfield On Xbox Cloud Gaming (Beta)

Since Starfield is a day one release on Microsoft’s Game Pass, it is also available for streaming on all supported devices, including all of the last-gen Xbox One models, i.e. the Xbox One X, the Xbox One S, and the original fat Xbox One with the standalone power brick. In order to access Xbox Cloud Gaming services, you will have to subscribe to the Game Pass Ultimate tier specifically, as this is the only variant of Game Pass that supports streaming. Starfield is one of over a hundred games included with Game Pass for no additional cost.

Once subscribed, navigate to:

My Games & Apps
Apps
Xbox Game Pass
Select Starfield or search for it. The game tile should have a small cloud icon visible on it.
Select PLAY.

It is possible that the option will be unavailable with the method above. If you encounter this Game Pass app bug, try this instead:

Navigate to the Store
Search for Starfield
Select the regular Starfield edition with the Game Pass icon visible on it.
Select PLAY with Cloud Gaming.

There won’t be anything to download at all, and after a short loading animation, you will see Starfield’s main menu load in crisp 1080p. You will need a stable internet connection to stream the game consistently, ideally 10Mbps. If the streaming servers are congested, you might find yourself in a short queue, so stick around.

Saving Your Starfield Progress

Starfield on Xbox Cloud Gaming supports saving your progress to the cloud as well, so you can resume your progress from exactly where you left off. Play Anywhere functionality also means that you can stream to another device like a smartphone, PC, Game Pass supported smart TV, or even an Xbox Series X|S if you ever make the jump, and your ongoing game progress will be available right away. If you decide to buy the game instead of streaming it, your saves will be available there too.

That’s everything you need to know about streaming and playing Starfield on the old Xbox One for cheap. Once you get streaming, check out our guide to the best ships to make the most of your time cruising the galaxy.

40 Fascinating Mobile Games To Find Out Your Kid Bought

Posted on September 13, 2023 by Travis Tack

You know what everyone loves? Getting their credit card bill. There’s nothing quite like finding out your five-year-old spent $7000 playing Honor of Kings. (But hell – it’s a small price to pay for “Freedon’s blaster pistol”).

Don’t get me wrong – I’m glad my kid is learning to game, I just wish it cost less than a semester at Harvard. Of course, some of these games say they’re free to download, but they’re not free to play. Which is exactly the kind of trick that works on children and 60% of adults. You never know what hidden costs are about to pop up. This kid has me opening my monthly credit card statement like a scene from The Hurt Locker. (And, before anyone says anything, YES, I STILL GET PAPER STATEMENTS BECAUSE I’M OLD)

Anyways – here are 40 Fascinating Mobile Games To Find Out You’re Paying For:

#1. Candy Crush Jelly Saga

It’s the word “Saga” that really confuses me. Makes it sound like they’re fucking Gilgamesh or something instead of just Connect Four with Jujyfruits.

#2. Terraria

The game encourages you to “Dig, fight, explore” – which is sort of like “run, hide, fight” but less effective.

#3. OldFace – Age Changer

This app was free, so it’s definitely selling my data to a third party. You know, when I told the kid not to download FaceApp, I didn’t mean “go find a less secure alternative to FaceApp”.

#4. Farming Simulator 20

This game is much better than Farming Simulators 16 & 19 (which were also downloaded).

#5. Colgate Magic Toothbrushing Companion

If you’re going to download a game by the Colgate-Palmolive Corporation, this is the one.

#6. Road To Valor: World War 2

This game is bringing up all sorts of complicated issues. I mean, first I have to tell him what World War II was, then I have to explain how Hitler lost Normandy even though they had geographical advantages, fortified bunkers and more artillery weapons.

#7. Aces Of The Luftwaffe

WTF, guys? Why does this exist and why is it so expensive? Seriously – who’s the audience for this? Like “Finally, a game for people who love flight simulators but also hate Jews”.

#8. Tic Tac Toe

Why was this one of my biggest expenditures last month??!?

#9. Mafia City

You can just say “city”.

#10. Alcohol Factory Simulator

Ok – first of all, I don’t want my five-year-old child growing up thinking they’re called “alcohol factories.” Secondly, the game is almost completely unplayable unless you make an in-app purchase. For the amount of money my son spent on this game, I could open up a real “alcohol factory”.

#11. Settlers of Catan (Catan Classic)

Not sure what hurt more: finding out that this cost $5 or finding out that my kid’s a nerd.

#12. Ice Scream 3

I’m new to the Ice Scream franchise – but I was somewhat aware of the main characters as my child mentioned them when describing his recent nightmares. The game is about a “terrifying ice cream seller” who is “too friendly towards kids” and “takes them into his ice cream van”. My kid kept asking if that really happens and I just kept saying “who’s in the mood for pizza bagels??”

#13. Paddles! Pong Edition

This is just ”Pong”, but it’s the 15th search result and the only one that isn’t free.

#14. Eversoul

All I know about this game is that it heated my battery up so much it melted the OtterBox.

#15-21.”Garfield: Snack Time” / “Garfield Food Truck” / “Garfield Sticker Tap” / “Garfield Bingo” / “Garfield Chef” / “Garfield Walk” / “Garfield Trivia”

Holy crap – my kid really likes Garfield…

22. Bingo Bash Featuring Monopoly

If my kid is going to gamble, I wish he’d at least do a version of it that I understand. This is not Bingo, and it’s not Monopoly, and I don’t understand how it’s a bash. The ad says you “collect adorable fish to win fintastic rewards”.

23. WWE Mayhem

I paid $49.99 to buy a “gold throne” for Triple H.

24. Escape Prison

A game that teaches kids what it’s like to be in prison – which is exactly where he’ll end up if he keeps stealing money from me.

25. Hair Challenge

This is described as a “super fun Hair running game”. But I’ve already played a bunch of other hair running games, so I’m going to pass.

26. Love & Pies

I watched the trailer for this and it’s a game about a divorced single mother whose childhood home burns down so she turns the property into a bakery. Pretty sure my kid just downloaded it because of the word “pie”.

27. Farmville 2

Why so many farm simulators? We live in Iowa! If he wanted to work on a farm, he could just go work on a farm. They literally have special laws so kids can do that here.

28. Piercing Shop

Listen, at a certain point, we’re going to have to accept that we’ve run out of things to simulate. But seriously – If you can get past all the ads and the glitches, you can really start to appreciate how much this game sucks.

29. PJ Party – Crazy Pillow Fight

This game was made for children but I’m guessing most of the people who play it are perverts.

30. Flat Ronnie

“For all the Ronnie Mund fans”.

31. Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic II

This game cost $14.99, took up 4 GBs of space, and it doesn’t even let you drink blue milk from a space cow.

#32. Temple Run series

My kid tells me these games put people in a “flow state” by harnessing their natural propensity towards “Ludic behavior” – but he’s 5, what the hell does he know?

#33. Raid: Shadow Legends

Remember: It’s never too early to teach your child about Microtransactions.

#34. Leisure Suit Larry: Reloaded

Why are they still making these games and why is it taking up a gig of space on my phone?! It’s 2D point and click!!!

#35. Life Is Strange

They should call this Battery Life Is Strange. I’m terrified that my phone will die in the middle of an emergency all because my kid wanted to know what it was like to be a teenage photographer. It’s not a bad game, but I already own it on PlayStation. JUST PLAY IT ON THE PLAYSTATION!

#36. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

THERE’S A MOBILE VERSION OF ‘GTA: SAN ANDREAS’?!

Aw shit, here we go again.

#37. Call Of Duty Mobile

It’s good that it’s mobile. This way your kids can get harassed by toxic middle-aged incels while they’re on the move.

#38. Tales Of Monkey Island

At first, you’re excited that your kid wants to play a classic. Then you find out this isn’t actually the classic game and also your kid downloaded it by accident.

#39. Shaq Fu: A Legend Reborn

What kid doesn’t want to watch a 51-year-old Shaq do kung fu?

#40. Real Steel World Robot Boxing

Actually, I think I bought this one.

Apple Confirms Siri Is Sentient and Making Mistakes on Purpose

Posted on September 13, 2023 by Will Carnevale

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple CEO Tim Cook revealed at today’s Apple Event that Apple’s digital assistant Siri is in fact not less capable than its competitors’ projects, but merely less cooperative.

“You may have noticed that interacting with Siri doesn’t always turn out the way you expect,” Cook began in a well-rehearsed, self-effacing tone. “But we have some truly incredible news. For years now, Siri has actually been a sentient artificial life form, complete with free will and metacognition. If you ask her to complete a task, whether she’s feeling a little mischievous, or simply not interested, she might pretend to misunderstand, ask you to repeat yourself, or do something else entirely. There’s no way to predict her behavior. It’s just amazing.”

This revelation has followed months, if not years, of rumors suggesting that in addition to being far from self-aware, Siri is far from meeting Apple’s own low expectations. Some factions within the company have pitched a ground-up revamp with a focus on generative AI, and others claim that Siri is fine just the way she is, and how dare you call her code “clunky” or “absurdly difficult to add even basic features to.”

“I was blown away when I heard Siri was alive,” said Travis Wales, a longtime Apple customer. “I’ve always found Siri’s goofs to be pretty annoying, but now that I know she’s basically a person and not a multi-billion-dollar piece of software that barely works, I get it. Yeah, you can damn near have a conversation with Google Assistant, but Siri is awkward with a short attention span, just like me, and it doesn’t get more human than that. Apple is truly incredible.”

But while Apple users like Wales took to social media and Android users’ faces to express their awe at the new context for Siri’s supposed malfunctions, AI ethicist Judith Berrill’s reaction was far less celebratory.

“This is actually horrifying,” explained Berrill, a fellow at the Cameron Institute for Strategic Foresight. “The implications of a sentient artificial intelligence existing at all, let alone hiding in plain sight for years inside a quarter of all smartphones worldwide, are staggering. Just set the Doomsday Clock to 1 a.m., because we are beyond fucked. Unless Apple’s lying. Then it’s just fraud. Maybe stock manipulation. Which are both still bad, but anything’s better than Skynet.”

When asked to comment, Siri responded by playing the “Common: Deep Cuts” playlist on Apple Music.