Biden Increasingly Concerned About Giant Monsters After Watching ‘Godzilla vs. Kong’

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden has shifted his stance on the threat posed by giant monsters after viewing Adam Wingard’s 2021 film “Godzilla vs. Kong”, a social media post revealed.

“Let me be clear: America will not be caught off guard by the emergence of any daikaiju, whether it’s a nuclear dinosaur or an enormous gorilla,” read a post from the president on X, formerly Twitter. “My administration has pledged to invest billions of dollars into anti-monster technology. We’re putting together a crack team to build an unprecedented weapons system known as Mecha-Godzilla — and, folks, this one won’t gain sentience and run amok. The giant robots of tomorrow will be built in America.”

Some figures in the media were critical of President Biden’s sudden focus on colossal mutant creatures.

“More woke nonsense from the White House,” said failed comedian and Fox News talk show host Greg Gutfeld. “You’ll notice that Biden uses gender-neutral pronouns when he talks about these monsters. Come on. Godzilla is a guy. Everyone knows that. Also, it’s King Kong! I mean, it doesn’t get much more masculine than that. How can we expect this administration to protect us from Ghidorah and Rodan when they’re too afraid to properly address them?”

While some high-ranking administration officials were reportedly caught off guard by Biden’s new stance, Vice President Harris fielded questions about the post after attending a park bench dedication.

“President Biden and I both have a deep understanding of Godzilla and all of his rivals,” said the vice president. “We understand exactly how difficult it is to defeat such formidable monstrosities. For instance, Godzilla was only able to best Destoroyah by harnessing the enormous power granted to him by his ongoing meltdown. He knew that the effort would also kill him, but he accepted his fate. He knew that his time was over. And because of his sacrifice, Godzilla Jr. was able to rise up and take his rightful place as the new King of the Monsters. I know I love that message, and I think Joe does, too.”

At press time, Biden had ordered a shutdown of the entire Chuck E. Cheese franchise after seeing a showing of “Five Nights at Freddy’s.”

Our 5 Dream Link Actors Based On How Much of a Elvish Twink They Are

Posted on by Tyler Simpson

After getting a taste of that sweet sweet movie tie-in cashola with the Mario movie, Nintendo has decided to sell out and go full Hollywood by announcing a new live-action Zelda movie. Casting for this film will be tough, especially when it comes to everyone’s favorite handsome little smooth boy Link. Here’s our top 5 dream link actors based on how much of an elvish twink they are.

5. Timothee Chalamet

If you look up twink in the dictionary, Timothee is being given a swirly by the guy they picked to be twink in the dictionary. He is the beta twink (which is the alpha in twink speak). He also has tons of pointy features like an elf. The only problem is his hair is too dark and there’s no way he could pull off being blonde.

4. Tom Holland

Try as he might, Tom Holland is a twink and always will be. He’ll be in his 80s and still read as a 16-year-old boy who no one respects, which is perfect for Link, who has saved the world a billion times and still has to do everyone else’s chores. The only problem is Tom Holland has taken a break from acting to focus on staring at himself in the mirror until he grows a beard.

3. Leonardo DiCaprio

The elder twink. The thinking man’s twink. A rugged, refined twink. Leo would make a great Link, especially in an Ocarina of Time type story where they travel back and forth in time. You could tell it’s young Link because Leo doesn’t have a five o’clock shadow and it’s older Link because he does have a five o’clock shadow. Filmmaking is really easy, guys!

2. Chris Evans as Scrawny Little Steve Rogers

There might be some legal loopholes they’d have to jump through to make this happen but the Twink-levels are off the charts.

1. Harry Styles

Mr. We Have David Bowie At Home has all the makings of a perfect Link: small, handsome and great on screen as long as he doesn’t talk.

Call of Duty Guns Ranked By Likelihood The Player Will be Banned for Hate Speech in First Week of Game

Posted on by Hard Drive Reporter

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 offers a diverse arsenal – perhaps too diverse for the liking of some of the playerbase. But not all weapons are just dangerous in-game – some in particular seem to carry an unreasonable high risk of leading their users down the path of a PewDiePie-like heated gamer moment.

Hard Drive spoke to a team of social scientists who studied this issue and is proud to produce the first official record of which CoD guns increase the likelihood of players getting banned for hate speech.

1) MCW – 95% Likelihood

The MCW’s doesn’t just produce high damage but also the ability to somehow unleash players’ most heinous inner thoughts. It’s as if the weapon comes with a side of 4chan training, making its users prone to chat-related red cards.

“I don’t know how it happens,” player Alex “AlexDaGreat” Henderson. “As soon as I pick the MCW, I’ll be unemployed for 10 years”

2) Striker – 90% Likelihood

Fast, furious, and almost guaranteed to help players break some hate speech laws in the UK, the Striker is a gun choice for those with truly nothing to lose. Mute these players quick – or just the whole lobby.

3) Longbow – 85% Likelihood

Perfect for those who enjoy the quieter, more patient approach, until they’re caught off-guard and lash out in the voice chat, revealing their not-so-patient nature. Let’s hope no one is recording. Missed shots often translate into bizarre conspiracy theories about opponents’ alleged race and cultural proclivity for cheating, followed by a barrage of not-so-creative expletives. Avoid.

4) Renetti – 80% Likelihood

This gun literally has a “slur” attachment spot.

5) MTZ-556 – 75% Likelihood

People who use this gun are actually pretty progressive on race and seemingly approving of others.

Don’t ask them about women though.

6) BAS-B – 70% Likelihood

This is the gun your good ‘ol boy ex-roommate who always had a problem with “woke” commercials picks. You haven’t talked in a while but you approved his party invite. A few rounds in you hear him crack a beer. A few rounds after that and you hear all the insights and opinions that remind you why you don’t hang out anymore.

7) AMR9 – 65% Likelihood

AMR9 users have actually been noted to break into song mid-game, altering the lyrics of pop songs to include insults aimed at their opponent’s alleged ancestry.

They’d make perfect fodder for a T-Pain highlight reel killstreak.

8) Holger 26 – 60% Likelihood

Known for its high fire rate, the Holger 26 also seems to increase users’ “time until banning” and proclivity for impassioned speeches on in-game voice chat about the decline of modern civilization, peppered with unsavory theories of how we got there and how these fucking (CENSORED) players camping is part of it.

9) KV Inhibitor – 55% Likelihood

This is a weapon that kills you before you know what happened. Silent and deadly. Never saw it coming. Just like the threat of immigration, according to the brain wormed 14 year olds who choose this gun.

10) SVA-545 – 50% Likelihood

The SVA-545, while less likely to lead to bans, has a unique quirk. Its users occasionally hold their mics up against their cell phone speakers and play full length episodes of “Tucker Carlson on X.”

At press time, Call of Duty developers were considering adding a ‘mute player’ feature that automatically activates whenever certain weapons are selected, just to be safe.

Call of Duty MW3 Split Screen Guide: How To Play Split-Screen

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

Split screen has been a long-standing feature in co-op/multiplayer FPS games over the years, and you might be wondering if it is available in Call of Duty MW3. Find out exactly which modes support split screen and what the requirements are, in this Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 guide.

Does the MW3 Campaign Support Split-Screen?

The Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 Campaign does not support split screen and it is unlikely it ever will, given that the narrative does not really lend itself to much of a meaty co-op experience.

Does Call of Duty MW3 Multiplayer Have Split Screen?

Split screen is fully supported for up to two players in multiplayer games, both local and online. Team Deathmatch, Capture The Flag, Domination, and every other multiplayer mode supports split screen, though some of them are only available in local multiplayer, aka custom matches. The step-by-step process for each console is detailed below.

Does MW3 Zombies Have Split-Screen?

Unfortunately, Modern Warfare Zombies does not support split screen, and there has been no claim nor rumor that the feature will ever be enabled as of the writing of this post.

How To Play Split Screen On Xbox

With Player 1 logged-in on an Xbox profile and a controller, go to Call of Duty HQ and have Player 2 sign-in with their own Xbox profile using a second controller. Then press the <A> button to join split screen when the prompt appears in the top-right corner. A second fullscreen prompt will appear, for Player 2 to login to or create an Activision account. Once that’s done, note the overlapping circles in the top-right corner of Call of Duty HQ. You can view your party by clicking-in the right thumbstick.

Local multiplayer can be accessed from one screen down, using the tile on the far right labeled Private Match/Custom Match. This mode does NOT require Xbox Game Pass Core (formerly known as Xbox Live Gold). Private matches can be fully customized to your heart’s content.

Online multiplayer can be accessed from the Multiplayer tile as well as on the Call of Duty HQ main screen, but both accounts require Xbox Game Pass Core (formerly known as Xbox Live Gold), which is the basic tier of Microsoft’s multiplayer subscription service for Xbox. If you’d like to use Quick Play to find suitable matches quickly in split screen mode, use the Playlist Filter function to deselect any Game Mode with a maximum party size of one, such as Free-For-All.

How to Play CoD MW3 Split Screen on PlayStation

With Player 1 logged-in on a PlayStation profile and a controller, go to Call of Duty HQ and have Player 2 sign-in with their own PlayStation profile using a second controller. Then press the <X> button to join split screen when the prompt appears in the top-right corner. A second fullscreen prompt will appear, for Player 2 to login to or create an Activision account. Once that’s done, note the overlapping circles in the top-right corner of Call of Duty HQ. You can view your party by clicking-in the right thumbstick.

Local multiplayer can be accessed from one screen down, using the tile on the far right labeled Private Match/Custom Match. This mode does NOT require PlayStation Plus. Private matches can be fully customized to your heart’s content.

Online multiplayer can be accessed from the Multiplayer tile as well as on the Call of Duty HQ main screen, but both accounts require PlayStation Plus Essential, which is the basic tier of Sony’s multiplayer subscription service for PlayStation. If you’d like to use Quick Play to find suitable matches quickly in split screen mode, use the Playlist Filter function to deselect any Game Mode with a maximum party size of one, such as Free-For-All.

Check out our other Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 guides on how to type in game chat, what carries over from MW2, and how to play in third person.

Ed Boon Reveals He Meant to Add Terence Fletcher to ‘Mortal Kombat 1’ Instead of Omni-Man

Posted on by Parker Johnson

After Omni-Man’s release in Mortal Kombat 1, creator Ed Boon has since sheepishly admitted that he meant to add Terence Fletcher from hit film Whiplash instead.

“Yeah, this one’s on me,” Boon said in an interview. “I never said a character’s name specifically. I just called up JK Simmons and asked him to come act for ‘the most brutal character he’s ever portrayed.’ I thought we’d be on the same page about who that was, but, obviously, that wasn’t the case.”

The writers on staff at Netherrealm Studios were caught just as off guard as Boon.

“I wasted so much time writing pre-fight dialogue for Fletcher,” said writer Marcus Greene. “So much in there that no one will ever get to see now. We even had special dialogue for when he wins via timeout where he said ‘not quite my tempo’ to the opponent. It would’ve been such a fun callback for fans of Whiplash, but I guess this Omni-Man guy is fine, too.”

“Really, I just wanted to see a fatality where he decapitated a guy with a cymbal,” Greene concluded somberly.

The actor behind Invincible‘s Omni-Man, JK Simmons, even expressed a bit of disappointment himself.

“Of course when he said ‘your most brutal character,’ my mind went to Omni-Man. He did kill everyone on a subway to prove a point to his son, so that one’s 100% on Boon for the confusion,” Simmons said. “But now that I have the idea of a Fletcher appearance in Mortal Kombat in my head I can’t get it out. Is there a way I can pay them to do that?”

At press time, Netherrealm Studios reportedly fast-tracked plans to instead feature Fletcher in Kombat Pack 2, alongside the addition of Miles Teller’s Andrew Neiman as a Kameo fighter.

Advanced Mathematics Degree Required to Read Next Kingdom Hearts Spin-Off Title

Posted on by Alex McMillan

TOKYO — Kingdom Hearts creator Tetsuya Nomura has announced that the next game in the Kingdom Hearts franchise will be titled Kingdom Hearts: Sum of the First 50 Primes To The Power of The Floor Function of Pi.

“I’m sure some fans can probably guess what the story will entail based on the title alone,” joked Nomura, fumbling with a calculator. “But rest assured, there are a lot more surprises to come!”

Rumors of the game have been swirling for months, but details of the gameplay and storyline of the spin-off remain unclear, with industry insiders suggesting that developers are concerned about a western release.

“Mr. Nomura has been absolutely adamant about the title of this game, but many higher ups at Square Enix are worried about the meaning being lost on English-speaking markets,” said ResetEra tipster ApricotSqueeze. “Tetsuya apparently wrote a 50-page thesis explaining the title’s relevance to the plot, but all of the executives are too scared to attempt even reading it.”

Fans of the series have been adamant that the title must be retained in the English translation and have been taking appropriate action ahead of the game’s release.

“I applied for an Undergraduate Mathematics degree as soon as the news leaked, and I got my acceptance letter from Georgia Tech just yesterday,” said Kingdom Hearts fan Charlie Toland. “Obviously I’m nervous about moving to Atlanta, and the college payments aren’t going to be cheap, but some things are more important than financial stability or your own home.”

At press time, Square Enix have announced their intention to provide scholarships to Kingdom Hearts fans to keep up with the rising levels of subtitle complexity.

CoD MW3 Zombies Just a List of People Who Bought the Game

Posted on by KC Jones

LOS ANGELES — The online gaming community is reeling after players eager to dive into the much-anticipated Zombies Mode (MWZ) in the new Call of Duty were met not with the historically popular game mode but instead with a PDF file listing the names of individuals who purchased the game.

Zombies Mode, a staple of the franchise known for its cooperative play and challenging scenarios, was expected to make up a meaningful part of the community’s play time. However, gamers who accessed early copies of MW3 found themselves redirected to a document categorizing them as “still braindead enough to keep buying this,” according to player Joe “T_Bagz_u420” Larenzo.

“They even had a picture of me with a big red stamp over it that said ‘MORON,’” Larenzo said. “Isn’t that some kind of privacy violation or something?”

Sources close to the development team suggest that this unorthodox strategy is the result of extensive market research. The data reportedly indicates that the Call of Duty fanbase, known for its loyalty and enthusiasm, would reliably invest in each new installment, regardless of its actual content or value.

Feelings of betrayal and disappointment have been widespread among longtime Call of Duty players.

“I’ve been a dedicated fan since World At War. This feels like a slap in the face. It’s a shock,” stated one disillusioned gamer. “But honestly even if I’d known I would have still have bought it.”

The contentious PDF file also seems to specifically highlight those who pre-ordered the game, a decision that has left many questioning the company’s intentions.

In response to requests for comment, an Activision representative offered a dismissive retort: “What are you gonna do? Cry?”

At press time gaming forums and social media platforms are erupting with speculation and debate, with some posturing if the “woke mind virus” is to blame.

“Let’s Get the Old CoD Clan Back Together!” Texts Only Remaining Guy In Friend Group Without Kids

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

Norfolk, VA — With the release of Modern Warfare III, 33-year-old Clayton Rhimes is hoping to get his old Call of Duty clan back together, despite him being the only one remaining who is not a busy and broke parent now, texted sources confirmed.

“We used to absolutely dominate COD search and destroy lobbies. Our clan tag was PWNd – pretty cool, right?,” reminisced Rhimes when asked for comment. “But when I hit up the groupchat there’s nothing but crickets. One guy just left without saying anything.”

Lonny West, a former member of PWNd who received a text from Rhimes, admits he didn’t even recognize the number at first when he was asked to ‘hop on MWIII.’

“I legit haven’t heard from that dude in like a decade. I thought it was one of those spam bots,” said West, now a corporate tax attorney. “Then it all came rushing back to me. Our MW2 clan, those all-nighters we used to pull, quickscoping on Rust! Man, I wish I didn’t have a career or anyone who loves me for who I really am so I could play all day, just like Clay.”

Rhimes, who texted 12 people, said he’s yet to find anyone to play with from his old clan.

“I didn’t realize everyone in PWNd sold out. Back when we were grinding for gold gun skins and hitting 10th prestige we promised each other we’d be bigger than FaZe,” he said. “Now these guys just want to talk about mortgage rates.”

At press time, Rhimes was seen texting the one guy from high school who they didn’t let join the clan because his KD ratio was under 1.5.

Fed Up COD Fan Only Buying Standard Edition, Battlepass, and CDL Team This Time

Posted on by Alec Walker

BUFFALO, N.Y. – Longtime COD fan and sunk-cost fallacy enthusiast Elmer Welsh is paring down his yearly Call of Duty expenditures after yet another disappointing release, multiple sources confirmed.

“I’m sick of this. How many years in a row can they give us the same game with fewer features and not expect consequences?” said Welsh, while entering his credit card info into Battlenet. “After I pre-purchase all 100 tiers of the battle pass, I’m done spending money on this game until season two. If they keep this up, my significant investment into the soon to be burgeoning Vegas Legion will have been wasted. I wish COD would go back to its roots, wherein I’m somehow a child escaping the reality of my parents’ divorce again.”

Welsh’s game duo, Anton Knight, had some choice words for his friend when asked by reporters.

“I tried everything. It didn’t have to be this way.” said Knight, while loading a revolver like he’s George from Of Mice and Men. “At some point you have to just cut the cord. Like, the Call of Duty league waived their $25 million dollar league entry fee, but he paid it anyway ‘for the culture.’”

Alicia Campbell, head of psychology at UCLA, said what Welsh was going through was not an uncommon phenomenon in her clinic. In June of last year, she wrote the leading academic paper on the topic.

“Showing your son the ‘No Russian’ mission at 9 years old essentially severs the logic center of the brain,” she explained. “And there’s real debate amongst health professionals about what could happen to society if each CoD release keeps getting worse.”

We may have already gone too far to change course, she warned.

At press time, Welsh was 4-26 in team deathmatch using the most flamboyant, ugliest $30 gun camo imaginable.

PATHETIC: Upcoming ‘Overcooked’ Sequel Won’t Have Dedicated Servers

Posted on by Alec Walker

Here we go again. The last bastion of hope for America poofed out of existence by the powers that be. Back in my day, restaurants took the time and money to invest in dedicated servers to make their customers, namely me because I don’t care about anyone else, happy. The servers themselves even took pride in their work, but nobody wants to work anymore! Buncha money hungry freeloaders if you ask me, even though no one did.

I’ve watched Overcooked playthroughs on YouTube, and it looks easy. You just look at the order and sprint around the kitchen at 110% for your entire shift with no breaks. Oh, so what, now you have to be paid a living wage to try at your job? I worked for 40 years at my father’s company and tried day in and day out for about 30 minutes out of the day like a real man. I earned my pension. 

Ya know what, it’s probably because all of these woke hiring requirements nowadays. Not a SINGLE server I’ve seen in Overcooked even has legs. What the hell is up with that? How do you expect America to succeed when you give all the jobs to a bunch of Fisher-Price-Little-People-toy-looking motherfuckers? I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. I tell it like it is from my perspective and no one else’s.

These liberal game devs need to get their shit together and run their business the right way, by misappropriating relief funds to give their CEO a bonus. THAT is what will bring people back to work, in my very not humble opinion. If they can’t figure out how to get dedicated servers into the game by release, I mean, I’m still gonna buy it, but I won’t be happy about it. If even a single server who doesn’t know what they’re doing makes a mistake with my very complicated order, I won’t be tipping.

Hold on, I’m getting a call from my editor. Be right back.

UPDATE: Okay, turns out I didn’t fully know exactly, precisely what ‘dedicated servers’ means, but I’m not gonna change the article just because I made a mistake. I’ve already earned my paycheck for the day. It would be unfair to punish me for that now.