Top 20 Tracks to Lap Your Friends on in ‘Mario Kart 8 Deluxe’

Posted on by Ryan Sims

The final wave of DLC for Mario Kart 8 Deluxe is here, and while not everyone’s favorite tracks made the cut (rest in peace Airship Fortress) there are still some damn good ones out there. Here are the top 20 tracks in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe to race around in circles on with your friends.

#20 — Piranha Plant Slide

Diving in with what is objectively the best track that takes place inside a Mushroom Kingdom water treatment plant, Piranha Plant Slide won’t crack many top ten lists, but it still deserves some love. Plus it’s a loving homage to the underground levels from Super Mario Bros. Kind of.

#19 — Shy Guy Falls

A perfect proof of concept for Mario Kart 8’s anti-gravity feature. Leave behind your Mario Circuits, your Toad Harbors, your Wario Stadiums. Let’s make like salmon and drive up a goddamn waterfall. 

#18 — Yoshi Valley

In preparation for this article we sent our intern down to Yoshi Valley to figure out what the most optimal path through this clusterfuck is, but we haven’t heard from him in a few days. Jared, if you’re out there, stay strong. And stay away from the giant rotating Yoshi egg, whatever you do.

#17 — Superbell Subway

There’s plenty of Mario Kart tracks where you have to weave in and out of traffic, but only one where you’re drifting between two subway cars like some tweaked out New Yorker. Try not to delay commuters by ramming into the train with a bullet bill.

#16 — Big Blue

One giant track so loaded up with boost pads and conveyor belts that your ass will be clenched the entire ride, almost like you’re vying for first place in F-Zero 99. Impressive, but (spoiler alert) we think there’s another giant track that does it just a little bit better.

#15 — Moo Moo Meadows

Probably the least exciting pick on the list, but come on. Wouldn’t you give it all up to drive go karts around a farm at sunset? If you don’t like Moo Moo Meadows you have a problem. Or maybe you just never got a Wii as a kid. Sorry.

#14 — DK Mountain

DK Mountain is for real gamers. This one starts off by shooting you right out of a goddamn canon. Then it’s a race back down to the finish line. Watch out for falling boulders and some seriously unforgiving turns that are more than happy to launch you off a cliff. 

#13 — Dolphin Shoals

Make sure to wear protection while racing in Dolphin Shoals, because that saxophone lick might just get you pregnant. Oh, and hitting boosts off the giant eel is pretty fun too.

#12 — Grumble Volcano

Grumble Volcano doesn’t want you here. Fuck around and you will find out. Balls of fire are raining down. The track literally crumbles around you. By lap three, things have fallen apart more than my last relationship. 

#11 — Music Park

A 3DS banger, Music Park is a tight track that’ll have you drifting along pianos and bouncing off of drums. Along the final straightaway, you can hit some extra jump boosts, but only if you can keep a beat. Super Mario Bros. Wonder trained me for this moment.

#10 — Yoshi Circuit

What is likely the result of some poor game designer who had to come up with one more idea before lunch, Yoshi Circuit is just a track shaped like Yoshi, and miraculously, it works. It’s the kind of genius/stupid idea that I love Nintendo for. An answer to the age old question: “What if it was Yoshi?” 

#9 — Ribbon Road

A remake of the GBA track, but not really, because Ribbon Road takes the original concept and blows it wide open. It’s the Ship of Theseus of Mario Kart. So much has changed, can you really call it the same track?

#8 — Bowser’s Castle

Bowser’s Castle goes hard, but you knew that already. The music rules, there’s lasers, lava, and a giant Bowser statue punching the track like a straight college kid who just got cheated on.

#7 — Wild Woods

Wild Woods has nothing to prove. No flashy gimmicks, no eye popping set pieces, just a perfectly executed track that you’ll never get tired of. Hit that drift down the waterslide just right, and ascend.

#6 — Animal Crossing

Is it fair for Animal Crossing to get such a high ranking when it’s basically four tracks in one? Not really. But it’s also not fair how much my little nephew brags about being good at Mario Kart even though I secretly turn on the steering assist for him. That’s life. 

#5 — Yoshi’s Island

The newest track on this list, Yoshi’s Island has only been around since March but has 200cc’d its way to the near top. There’s custom coins with Yoshi’s face on them, Shy Guys standing on stilts, and a secret sky bridge. It’s pure delight cooked down to a race track.

#4 — Baby Park

I know, Baby Park sucks. I hear you. But do you remember that one time? You invited a few friends over to play four player Mario Kart. It took awhile to connect all the controllers. Someone picked the Crossing Cup, and the war was on. Everyone was screaming by the end of lap two. Baby Park became a battlefield, bombarded with green shells, banana peels and boomerangs. And it was a mess. A beautiful mess. 

#3 — Mount Wario

Mount Wario isn’t the only giant race track with no laps, it just does it the best. Unlike N64 Rainbow Road or Big Blue, Mount Wario didn’t set out to be a showstopper, but it is anyway. There’s so many ideas crammed in here: the ski slopes, the dam, the forest. You couldn’t fit it all in a normal sized track if you tried. Combine that with custom music for each section, and you have one of the greatest of all time. But we still have two to go.

#2 — SNES Rainbow Road

We’ve traveled along many Rainbow Roads since, but none have passed the original. Not much has changed here since 1992, just a gorgeous upgrade to HD. With only 90 degree turns and not a guardrail in sight, it’s go-kart heaven. Except there are no gods up here, only rainbow thwomps. 

#1 — Cheese Land

It was always Cheese Land. A total rehaul of the GBA track, Cheese Land is Nintendo choosing fun. Take a shortcut through a giant wedge of cheddar, hit a speed boost off the holes of swiss, just go ahead and fly over the entire third section if you want. Completely unrecognizable from the original, Cheese Land fulfills the promise of Mario Kart 8 Deluxe: take the old, and turn it into something new. And put giant slices of pizza in the background.

Rockstar Announces ‘GTA 6’ Came Out 4 Months Ago and They Forgot to Tell Anyone

Posted on by Travis Tack

NEW YORK — Earlier today, Rockstar Games announced that Grand Theft Auto VI was actually released to the public several months ago, and their marketing department just forgot to tell anyone about it.

“The game’s been out longer than Red Dead Redemption remastered,” confirmed Sam Houser, president of Rockstar Games. “We were all pretty surprised when no one was talking about it. Was everyone too busy bitching about Starfield or something?”

The most recent entry in the Grand Theft Auto series has generated years of hype among fans, yet it’s been collecting dust on store shelves for some time now.

“GTA 6 is the culmination of a decade’s worth of hard work, and we all just assumed no one gave a shit,” confessed designer Leslie Benzies. “I’ve always thought that the franchise would become irrelevant at some point, but this seemed much faster than we were expecting.” 

Sources within the notoriously laid back company say that management is being very cool about the whole thing.

“It’s whatever,” said Houser. “This stuff happens. The important thing is that no one’s feelings get hurt.” 

At press time, disappointed gamers lamented the fact that they could have been killing anonymous virtual prostitutes this whole time.

Call of Duty MW3 Third Person Guide: How To Play 3rd Person

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

Call of Duty MW3 brings back third-person mode, allowing players to finally admire their own operator and any skins they’ve unlocked. While limited to Zombies at this time, it may well be possible that 3rd person eventually makes its way to Multiplayer, perhaps in rotating playlists or a season update, though nothing is certain as of yet. Find out how to switch camera perspectives in this Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 guide.

How To Switch To Third-Person On Controller in MW3

Holding down on the <Down> button on the D-Pad will switch perspectives smoothly and instantly at any time during gameplay.

How To Switch To Third-Person With Mouse & Keyboard

Press Esc to access the Pause menu, and switch between first-person and third-person on the right.

https://twitter.com/WarzoneTFN/status/1722601176846283216

3rd Person FOV Settings in Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3

The field of view settings for the third-person camera can be found in:

  • Settings
  • Graphics
  • View Tab
  • Field Of View Section
  • 3rd Person Field Of View

The slider has a fairly large range, but keep in mind that an overly wide FOV will impact performance and frame rate.

Note that there isn’t a scope view for weapons at all from the third-person perspective, unlike games like Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Breakpoint. You will have to rely entirely on the onscreen reticle for aiming in this mode. Your best bet is to lean on third-person for map traversal, and switch swiftly back to first-person when zombie guts hit the fan.

At this time, there is an occasional glitch while switching perspectives, leading to your operator being headless, though this is a purely graphical bug and has no impact on your ability to massacre zombies.

Check out our other Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 guides on advanced movement in multiplayer, including aiming while sliding, slide cancels, & drop shots.

Call of Duty MW3 Drop Shot Guide: How To Dropshot

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

With the new emphasis on mobility and maneuverability in Call of Duty MW3, drop shots are still a viable method to take corners or catch pursuers by surprise, without also taking too much incoming fire. This Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 movement guide will detail the ideal settings, as well as how and when to do a drop shot correctly.

Best Settings For Drop Shot In Call of Duty MW3

On a controller, set up your button layout so that you don’t have to take a thumb off of your aim stick in order to go prone.

  • Settings
  • Controller
  • Controller Tab
  • Inputs Section
  • Edit Button Layout
  • Button Layout Preset: Tactical

Both this and some of the other Tactical layouts will allow you to click the right stick to go prone, instead of the face buttons in the default and similar layouts, thus keeping both your thumbs in position to move and aim.

If you have a claw grip or make use of a controller with extra rear buttons or paddles, this won’t be an issue. Mouse & keyboard has no such impediments, of course.

While not a setting, you may want to use the Tactical Pads boots (which are also helpful to help you aim while sliding) to further enhance your stance transition speed when entering drop shot.

COD MW3 How To Drop Shot

Drop shotting is as simple as going prone, and immediately aiming down the sight. The trick is timing it so that you break the enemy’s aim assist, and using it in the right situations. You can viably use it at the end of a sprint or a slide, in a pinch.

Drop shot can be used instead of slide canceling while taking corners, and in scenarios where you don’t want to or can’t sprint first. When used near a corner, the drop shot will let you head peek and then scuttle away from fire before you take too much damage. It also provides the opportunity to perform the snake advanced maneuver immediately after, if there is cover of a suitable height in proximity.

If you watch the animation closely during drop shots, you will notice that your off hand does fall away from the weapon briefly, but this will not affect the centering of your aim, allowing you to maintain a consistent bead on enemy heads.

Check out our other Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 movement guide on how to slide cancel, which you can perform right before drop shotting for an advanced combo maneuver that can break auto aim long enough for you to get the kill.

Call of Duty MW3 Slide Cancel Guide: How To Slide Cancel

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

The slide cancel technique makes a return in Call of Duty MW3 and is an essential maneuver in the playbook of pro MW3 players. Taking corners right into the gun sights of enemy players is made much less dangerous, and may even gain you the advantage if you can find heads, while simultaneously breaking their aim assist. This Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 movement guide will walk you through the buttons and settings you need to perform slide canceling perfectly.

COD MW3 How To Slide Cancel

Slide canceling is a simple two-step move performed while sprinting, using two buttons. Slide. Jump. The latter is initiated at any point before the end of the slide, even a split second after starting it, if need be. What this will look like, is you initiating a slide for a bit, then exiting it using jump in order to speed up your return to the upright stance from where you can keep moving, or even begin sprinting again after a brief delay. This is a change from previous iterations of slide canceling, where you would have to slide, slide again, and then jump. While you can still do that, it is much slower than this new method.

Keep in mind that this maneuver is intended to disrupt the enemy’s aim assist that would otherwise instantly lock onto you. Using it for more generalized map traversal, as of the writing of this post, might not be viable since it briefly disallows sprinting after the slide cancel.

Slide cancel can be enhanced with the Tactical Pads boots, which also help you aim while sliding, and there are several game settings you can also use to improve your slide canceling.

How To Disable Dolphin Dive in MW3

With a default controller layout, sliding and diving are both bound to the same button. The newest iteration of Call of Duty Modern Warfare introduces some possibilities to change that behavior. Go to:

  • Settings
  • Controller
  • Gameplay Tab
  • Movement Behaviors Section
  • Slide/Dive Behavior: Slide Only

Every slide cancel will now be much more responsive because the game is no longer anticipating your potential use of dive. On mouse & keyboard, this won’t ever be a factor, since slide and dive can be bound to distinct keys. This can technically be done on controllers as well, but requires the use of third-party software.

Other Settings

In the same section as above, make sure to set the following:

  • Automatic Sprint: Automatic Tactical Sprint
  • Grounded Mantle: Off
  • Automatic Airborne Mantle: Off
  • Automatic Ground Mantle/Hang: Off
  • Ledge Climb Behavior: Mantle Only
  • Slide Cancel Sprint: On

Automatic Tactical Sprint cuts down on the button presses needed to perform a smooth slide cancel. Disabling any kind of automatic mantling behavior keeps you out of situations where control is taken away from you unexpectedly, and causing you to expose yourself to fire. Canceling a sprint by initiating a slide is a given, of course.

Check out our other Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 movement guide on how to drop shot, which you can combine with slide canceling and keep your reticle centered and ready to fire at all times.

Call of Duty MW3 Slide Aim Guide: How To Aim While Sliding

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

Mobility is the name of the game in Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3, and any move that can break your opponent’s aim assist is your best bet at winning a firefight whether 1v1 or even 1v2. This Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 movement guide will describe how to aim while sliding.

Tactical Pads: Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 Boots

These boots are the only footwear that grant you the ability to fully aim down the sights while sliding when equipped.

Additionally, the Tactical Pads will increase the slide distance, making all the difference in combat situations whether you’re closing the distance on an enemy, or sprinting towards cover under fire.

The increased stance transition speed as well as movement speed while crouched, makes equipping the Tactical Pads ideal for performing several other advanced player moves such as slide canceling, drop shots, and snaking.

Most importantly of all, your weapon will not be in the canted position (off to the side) after sliding and aiming down the sight. This elimination of the brief delay in having your weapon fully at the ready can make all the difference in a firefight as well.

COD MW3 Best Boots: Covert Sneakers versus Tactical Pads

While most players will favor the Covert Sneakers for silent footsteps, the Tactical Pads are the choice of advanced players in Modern Warfare 3, for the massive improvement to mobility and maneuverability it affords.

Check out our other Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 movement guide on how to slide cancel, which you can then combine with this ability for an advanced maneuver that can get the drop on anyone that’s around a corner attempting to ambush you.

Tragic: Man Reading Wikipedia Article on Movie He’s Watching Got One Sentence Too Far Ahead

Posted on by Jacob Colliver

CHICAGO — A man reading the Wikipedia summary to a film literally unfolding before his eyes experienced the horror of somehow spoiling the very next scene for himself earlier today.

“Jimmy Wales has got to figure out a standardized way of writing synopses and enforce it with prejudice,” grumbled Wikipedia frequenter Dennis Charge. “There’s assholes out here writing about scenes well before they happen, or putting two big events in the same sentence like some goddamn psychopath. If you’re trying to remain unspoiled and your film has cross-cutting of any kind, forget it. You tried reading a Christopher Nolan or an Edgar Wright outline recently? …No? Oh. Well, it’s impossible.”

Charge has made a frequent habit of investigating films on his phone as they’re playing.

“We’re watching Donnie Darko and all of a sudden, he starts scowling at his phone,” long-suffering partner Sarah South explained. “I ask what’s wrong, apart from the general vibe of everything on our television, and he says, ‘doesn’t matter’. We keep watching, Jake Gyllenhaal has a big fight with Seth Rogan and the guy who sang The OC theme song, and sure enough, Johanna from The Hunger Games gets hit by a car. He scoffs, rolls his eyes and says ‘well, there it is’. I’ve spent the last hour and a half watching emo Mysterio mope at a scary rabbit and a pedophile version of the Dirty Dancing guy for him, and he’s not even enjoying the experience. Fuck this. We’re watching Freaky Friday tomorrow.”

Charge’s growing dependence on having a second screen to relay information has begun to extend beyond feature films.

“I told him, it’d come back to bite his ass,” friend Phil Carmine boasted. “Last year, I’m flicking around on my phone during Inception and it caught his eye. He starts laughing because I’m three beers deep, trying to figure out how they convinced Cillian Murphy to go into another dream, and all of a sudden I’m reading about the main guy’s wife shooting someone in a ski lodge or whatever. ‘Just pay attention’, he says. ‘The whole film is literally about explaining itself’. Well, explain yourself now, Dennis. In retrospect, I’m lucky I didn’t remember the names of any of the characters. I didn’t know which one ‘Robert’ was, so that was still partially a surprise.”

After a further twenty minutes of watching Donnie Darko, Charge realized that he had actually already read the synopsis in its entirety at 2 AM three years ago. 

Report: Show You’ve Never Heard of to End With 10th Season

Posted on by Alex McMillan

LOS ANGELES — Fans of the hit TV show Misdirection have been left heartbroken after the cable channel Showtime confirmed that the show’s upcoming tenth season would be its last.

“It’s been an incredible ride, and we’re so grateful to the viewers for giving us the opportunity to finish the story on our own terms,” said showrunner Ariadne Jones in a YouTube video posted earlier today. “We’re going to give Eli and Ilya the send-off they deserve. You know, Eli and Ilya? The main characters? Why do you look so confused?”

The social media response to the announcement has been overwhelming, with numerous people pointing out how they’d never even heard of the show.

“How has this show been running since 2007 and I’ve never heard of it?” said television fan Frank Seagull, on whatever Twitter is called now. “I swear I’ve never even seen a gif of this thing. Am I being pranked? Is this some kind of Twilight Zone situation?”

It wasn’t just internet users who were unfamiliar with the political thriller, however. A press junket with Misdirection star Mario Lopez showed an obliviousness to any particular details about the show.

“Yeah, you know, it’s been a long time coming, and we’re all never going to forget the time we spent working together on this,” said Lopez, refusing to make direct eye contact with anyone other than his handler. “I don’t want to give anything away, but I think fans are going to be excited. The characters, you know, they speak for themselves. And the conclusion? Well, it’s definitely an ending, that’s for sure.”

The final season of Misdirection will air in February 2024, and will be briefly available on Paramount+ before it is removed for tax purposes.

Unclear if Guy Complaining About “Black Spider-Man” Is Racist or Just Doesn’t Understand What Venom Is

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Rhode Island Comic Con attendees were left uncomfortable and confused after a man dressed as Peter Parker went on an ambiguous and potentially bigoted tirade, sources confirmed.

“I just don’t see the point of this,” said Rob Plummer. “Everybody knows what color Spider-Man is. You know it. I know it. A child could tell you. He’s been that way for sixty years! Now these hack writers want to come in and impose their own agenda. They’ve gotta change the whole suit and give him slightly different powers. I guess the regular Spider-Man just wasn’t cool enough for woke Gen-Zers, or whatever.”

Comic Con guest Nate Haynes said he was left feeling distressed after being forced to listen to Plummer’s rant while in line for a photo-op with Marisa Tomei.

“At first I was sure he was talking about Miles Morales,” said Haynes. “But he never actually named the character. He just kept saying ‘Black Spider-Man.’ He did keep calling him a parasite, which made me think he was talking about Venom, but he could have also just been super racist. I thought he was going to clear things up when he started saying he, ‘didn’t have a problem with it as long as they made it a new character,’ but then he referenced Ebony Maw, who is an alien like Venom. But, like, does he just think Maw is a Black guy? All I know is I never want to be within earshot of that guy ever again.”

Comics writer Brad Weber noted that this type of confusion is common in the fan community.

“The problem is that there are normal, regular people who don’t like Venom,” said Weber. “He may be a beloved character now, but a lot of older fans still hold a grudge against him. If they’re not careful, it can be really easy for them to come across as prejudiced against non-white characters taking up the Spider-Man mantle. To clear up any confusion, displeased fans should express themselves by saying, ‘I have a problem with the direction that comics were taking in the late eighties and into the nineties, and that displeasure was manifest in Spider-Man’s Alien Costume becoming its own, edgy character.’”

At press time, Plummer was heard claiming that the new Spider-Man wouldn’t have been able to invent webbing on his own.

40 Zelda NPCs Ranked by How Chill of Roommates They’d Be

Posted on by Kevin Podas

The non-playable characters of Zelda are truly the unsung heroes of the series, aren’t they? Whether they tend to Cuccos in Kakariko Village, own and operate a minigame shop, or dress up like a fairy and sell maps, they are there to aid our hero Link in his quest, or at the very least distract him with a complicated side quest. These characters make up the fabric of society that is Hyrule (or elsewhere) so here are 40 Zelda NPCs ranked by how chill they’d be to live with.

#40 — Kaepora Gaebora

Never shuts the fuck up and he leaves owl pellets everywhere. This guy needs to be on a roommate blacklist because he is a menace. “Did you get all that?” Yes dude, for the ninth time, yes. Now take out the trash for once.

#39 — Deku King

The Deku King is really territorial about space and furniture. “I bought the TV, so I get to watch it whenever I want,” sort of deal. Who even keeps track of that kind of stuff? Freak.

#38 — Bean seller

Always eating your food, and then sometimes selling it off to kids? Come on man, that’s just weird. You gotta make your rupees doing something else, I swear.

#37 — Guru-Guru

Okay, so this guy used to live alone in a windmill for a long time, so he like, doesn’t really know how to live with other people anymore. He’s constantly playing his phonogram in the apartment at all hours of the day with no respect for anyone else’s space. You gotta have band practice somewhere else, man.

#36 — Salvatore

“Ka-BOOM!” Get used to hearing that come from the other room pretty often.

#35 — Kafei

I mean, he’s a kid, but only sometimes, so that’s kinda weird.

#34 — Hetsu

Hetsu’s whole life is one big party, so it’s best to set ground rules for how many gatherings you can have in one week, and for how late they can go, that sort of thing.

#33 — Happy Mask Salesman

He’s creepy, and he’s always saying cryptic stuff all the time. “Whenever there is a meeting, a parting shall follow. But that parting needs not last forever.” I’m just going to grab groceries, I’ll be back in an hour!

#32 — Biggoron

His entire room is his body, otherwise he’s really nice!!

#31 — Agitha

Some of her bugs get loose in the apartment sometimes, and man… I’m sorry, but nobody likes that. Don’t call the exterminator on her either, it’ll make her cry.

#30 — King Zora

King Zora is always hogging the bathroom, but do you even want to use the toilet when he’s done with it? It’s all… slimy and gross. No disrespect of course, he is royalty after all.

#29 — Grog

Man. What’s Grog’s deal, anyway?

#28 — Mutoh the Craftsman

Sort of a live-in repairman, but he’s super judgmental and pretty old-fashioned if you catch my drift. He’s handy, but not cool with a surprising amount of stuff in today’s day and age.

#27 — Great Fairy

She’s usually filming stuff for her OnlyFans, but man when she does have someone over, she can be a little loud. It’s awkward, okay?

#26 — Lumberjack twins

They sleep in a bunk bed and share a room, but they really mess up the place with their “projects”, like sawing the kitchen table in half for fun. You know, the one you bought from IKEA? They also rhyme each other’s sentences and that gets real old, real quick.

#25 — Yunobo

Just your average failson. He inherited his grandpa’s mines so he’s got plenty of rupees in his bank account, but has no idea how to support himself or have any sense of responsibility. You might have to remind him to do the dishes and take out the garbage, that sort of thing.

#24 — Groose

Groose is cool but it would be nice to talk to him about something that’s not Groose-related once in a while. He also has a different girl over every night of the week, or at least that’s what he says. I’ve never actually seen anyone come and go myself.

#23 — Valoo

As long as you don’t mind his giant tail hanging down in the middle of the kitchen, he’s pretty chill to live with.

#22 — Sale

I heard if you give him a can of dog food, he’ll give you something else which you can in turn give to someone else, and eventually, you’ll get a really cool item. But that’s just a rumor!

#21 — Anju

Sweet girl, really chill and courteous, but she’s always leaving Cucco feathers all over the place. Sure she apologizes, but it happens, like, all the time. The Cuccos have got to go, girl.

#20 — Ledd

He likes to invite his buddies over to dig holes around the place. It sucks, but he always has a 30-rack of PBR in the fridge for anyone who wants any. Cheers buddy, it’s forgiven.

#19 — Teba

Teba’s just really stiff, always talking about the way of the Rito, this and that… man, how about a little small talk? Did you see the game last night? I just stepped out of my room to grab a snack, I don’t need a lecture on the history of your people right now.

#18 — Sidon

Everybody loves Sidon, until he gets too drunk and throws up on your brand new couch. Yes, it only happened once and he was super apologetic about it, but he didn’t even pitch in to buy new cushions. Seems like that’s common courtesy?

#17 — Syrup

She’s always brewing up some weird stuff, but thankfully it tends to make the apartment smell really good inside. If you ask her nicely, she’ll even let you have an empty bottle! If you’ve ever played a Zelda game you know how big of a deal this is.

#16 — Riju

Riju can be a bit of a diva sometimes, but all in all she’s really nice. She’s usually up to fun stuff too, so if you’re ever bored on a Friday night, she’ll invite you to come hang out at a Sand Seal race or something.

#15 — Yeta

She makes a mean Ordon Pumpkin Soup and gives the best hugs, which she’s quick to remind you of if you ever need one. Just don’t get on her bad side, trust me.

#14 — Beedle

This guy is everybody’s plug, everybody’s hook-up, so people are constantly coming and going to get what Beedle’s got on hand. It can be a little annoying sometimes but hey, he’s always good on rent, and will even give you the roommate discount, which is to say, totally free. Word.

#13 — Error

He is Error. ‘Nuff said!

#12 — Tingle

“Kooloo-Limpah!” Tingle is a freelance cartographer who really just needs a place to stay because his dad is kicking him out. He says 35 is too old to go around acting like such a fool, but deep down he’s a really good dude who swears he’ll have the money for rent if you just give him a few extra days.

#11 — Ashei

Ashei is goth, but in the extremely traditional sense. She never leaves her room either, so it’ll practically be like you live by yourself. That’s nice!

#10 — Dampé

He works nights (literally the graveyard shift), so you’ll barely even see him around. Honestly, every roommate situation should be one where you work opposite schedules. As long as you’re not too loud when you get back home, it’ll all work out.

#9 — Bombchu Bowling girl

An alt girl who runs DIY shows in her spare time. She’s also friends with the Indigo-Go’s, I heard, and can probably get your ticket comped if you wanna see ’em for free.

#8 — Running Man

There is no one more reliable than the Running Man, and he is always prompt when paying the utility bills. Literally nothing is lost in translation when talking to him, and his dedication to life itself is truly inspiring. He makes you want to be a better person just by living with him.

#7 — Kass

He doesn’t play his accordion in the house, and he’s seldom even around. Most of the time you get the place to yourself, and he still pitches in for the rent. Plus he’s like, famous or something.

#6 — Scarecrow

The scarecrow is just a really chill guy, and will always give you your space. He really only occupies one specific corner of the apartment anyway, and that’s all he needs!

#5 — Ulrira

If you get stuck or need advice, you can always talk to him. Seriously, want to ask your boss for a raise but don’t know how? Ask Ulrira! But you’ll have to call him on the phone from the other room just to get a hold of him. Even if you knock on his door, he won’t answer. He’s shy like that.

#4 — Chef Bear

The only Bear who is a chef that matters, quite honestly. She will always offer to cook for you, and it will always be delicious. What’s not to like?

#3 — Link’s uncle

I mean, you’re already roommates with him at the start of the game, basically. It’s too bad he got killed– he paid the full rent himself, no questions asked.

#2 — Malo

A real go-getter, this entrepreneur has a start-up business of his own and is always on-time with the rent, and very respectful of your space. Even if you’re short on cash, Malo will be there to front you if you need it. Does it get any better than this?

#1 — Great Deku Tree

This roommate IS the room. You and two friends could easily split the space inside of his gaping maw, and rent is crazy cheap for that area. Three bedroom, two bath, inside of a giant tree’s mouth for 300 rupees a month? Let’s fucking go!