Chris Pratt Finally Nails Down Mario Voice In Garfield Movie Trailer

Posted on by RJ Dralle

HOLLYWOOD — Two years after being cast in the role of Mario in The Super Mario Bros Movie, Chris Pratt has finally perfected his voice for the character just in time for The Garfield Movie.

“The actual Mario movie itself was sort of a dry run for me to try some stuff out for the character, experiment a little bit, see what works,” explained Pratt. “Big thanks to Miyamoto-san for letting me get weird with it! Now, I am pleased to announce that I have fully acclimated to the role just in time to be playing Garfield.”

Fan response was divisive.

“Wait, what about his Garfield voice?” asked Garfield fan Brady Ranney in the comments of the trailer. “I was really looking forward to this movie. I wanted him to sound like Garfield, not Mario, but I guess it’s kind of a wash in the end since both characters just sorta sound like Chris Pratt talking normally.”

Pratt reassured fans’ concerns in a follow-up video.

“Growing up, I spent hours of my life eating… lasagna,” said Pratt, seemingly trying to remember aspects of the character he was cast as. “I used to read Garfield comics every day, I can’t wait to see what mischief me and Charlie Brown will get into in this movie!”

At press time, Pratt ended an interview with the press by letting out an absolutely pitch perfect “Wahoo!!”

New Isekai Anime Dares to Ask What if a Snail Was Also a Woman?

Posted on by Lana Kim

RICHMOND, Va. — The isekai genre has truly taken over anime with its broad appeal of being transported to another world or life, and My Life Was Turned Upside Down When I Woke Up As A Snailwoman is already proving to be a crowd pleaser. The show follows Aiko Neneki, a college student in Tokyo, as she navigates her new life as a slimy half woman, half snail hybrid.

“I’m really enjoying MLWTUDWIWUAASW so far, even if I have to turn it off when my mom is home,” said anime fan Josh Peters. “We watch her struggles with normal life: brushing her ‘teeth’, opening doors, tying her ‘shoes’, those sorts of things. It’s cool to have a protagonist so down to earth even if she is constantly producing incredible amounts of goo. Usually women are kind of stupid but at least since she’s a snail it checks out.”

Pre-release reviews from test screenings have already come in and the praise is glowing. Audiences are charmed by Aiko’s happy-go-lucky attitude despite her horrifying new eyeball stalks, and are inspired by her strength when facing new challenges. 

“I thought it was kinda hot that she became hermaphroditic,” said test audience member Steven Ramirez. “I wasn’t really sure if I’d like her snail design but they did a good job making sure she was still cute even if she does have a shell. Kinda weird that it’s also a backpack though, I don’t know if they really got the implications of that.”

Some viewers are worried the series will experience the typical isekai pitfall of sexism, mostly due to the genre’s tendency to have gratuitous fanservice. 

“At least the protagonist is a woman,” said pre-release viewer Madison Robertson. “Would I rather she not have tits as a snail? Yeah. But at least it isn’t a harem anime.”

At press time, showrunners expressed that they hoped to see no less than a dozen horny snailwoman fan tattoos in the future as well as numerous elaborate cosplays.

Geoff Keighley Confirms No One Cared Enough About Your Favorite Indie Game To Nominate It

Posted on by Parker Johnson

Following the announcement of nominations for this year’s annual Game Awards, Geoff Keighley confirmed that your personal favorite indie game of the year was targeted and excluded from this year’s nominations.

“Just to confirm the rumors: yes, your favorite indie game was purposefully and maliciously not included in this year’s nominations,” Keighley said in a Tweet following the nomination stream. “I would say that we meticulously pored through your Steam library to make sure that it was excluded, but the truth is much simpler than that. Your favorite indie game simply never crossed my mind. In fact, it didn’t cross the mind of any member of our voting jury.”

Superfans of the impacted indie games were outraged about the reported exclusion.

“Woah, what the hell?” said a particularly passionate fan of one of the barred indie games. “It’s absolutely insane that they didn’t include any of these indie games. Sure, my favorite one only shows 15 people playing it on SteamDB, but still, it literally changed my life!”

Speaking to the various devs of the impacted indie games, they seemed down, but not out.

“Sure, I created a game that basically invented a new genre, transcends the medium, and quite possibly changed the lives of hundreds of people, but those hundreds of people are the only ones who played it, so I guess I’m out of luck,” said solo indie developer Alice Lee. “I guess being a great developer doesn’t mean anything if you don’t have the marketing dollars!”

At press time, Keighley silently returned to his training to prevent another stage crashing incident at this year’s awards show.

Nintendo Switch Gallery Filled With Precious Memories Of Times You Accidentally Hit The Capture Button

Posted on by Alex McMillan

TUCSON — Avant-garde photographer Cassidy Monticelli has debuted their newest exhibition showcasing accidental screenshots taken by Nintendo Switch players.

“The exhibition at its core is about vulnerability,” said Monticelli, speaking to reporters at the University of Arizona Museum of Art. “Every one of these pictures captures a moment mistakenly frozen in time, immortalized in spite of their creator. We should aspire to be the art, not the artist.”

At an exclusive press night prior to the exhibit being open to the public, several of the contributors to Circling The Square were present, telling their own stories about their pieces.

“So yeah in this one I was trying to back out to the home screen and got my hands mixed up” said gamer Nathan Daley, pointing at a screenshot of Mario Kart 8 Deluxe. “It was quite humbling, because normally I’m really good at knowing which of my hands are which.”

At a Q&A event towards the end of the night, the artist was asked where they got the idea for Circling The Square, as well as how they’ve been dealing with criticisms of the piece.

“I think the idea came to me in a moment of frustration familiar to all my contributors” said Monticelli, seemingly wiping away a tear with a velvet pocket square. “I was playing DOOM Eternal, and I was trying to close the game, I heard it. Click. I went into my gallery and I saw this image of the Level Complete screen, taunting me. That anger and shame is what I truly wanted to showcase here. Any reported lack of funding I received has nothing to do with it.”

When asked for comment, Nintendo assured us the gallery would be receiving a cease and desist as soon as possible.

Nintendo Teases Pokémon Red (Taylor’s Version)

Posted on by Garry Kerls

KYOTO – Eagle-eyed fans believe that Yoshiaki Koizumi teased a collaboration with pop icon Taylor Swift in the latest Nintendo Direct, shrieking sourced confirmed.

“Pokemon fans will be very happy to hear that the franchise will be returning to a place they know all too well,” said Koizumi, cryptically inserting the title of a T-Swift song in a sentence that contains exactly 22 words. “That’s all we can say for now,” he concluded, coincidentally standing in front of a red background.

Fans in the intersection of the Pokemon/Taylor Swift venn diagram have been viciously sifting through footage trying to find conclusive evidence of what they are coining, “Pokemon Red (Taylor’s Version)”

“Isn’t it peculiar that the TM Swift and Swift the artist both have 100% accuracy of hitting?” argued Hayley Braun, moderator in the r/PokeSwifie subreddit. “The Era’s Tour comes to Tokyo in February, so I’d predict an official announcement then.”

Politicians and economists agree that a potential merger between these two powerhouses could have lasting implications on the global economy.

“This is the kind of thing that can move GDP around pretty violently,” explained Nimesh Verma, an NYU economics professor. “But the benefits will come at price: everyone’s algorithm will be plagued with colorful monsters singing ‘I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling Piakchu.’”

At press time, Nintendo announced that the rival in Pokemon Red (Taylor’s Version) will be John Mayer.

Couple Eases Into Open Relationship by Playing Baldur’s Gate 3 Co-Op

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

MINNEAPOLIS — Local couple Allen Whittaker and Marie Hampton have begun a co-op playthrough of ‘Baldur’s Gate 3’ in order to invite new characters into their love life, sources close to the pair confirm.

“Things were getting a bit stale, and I don’t just mean in the bedroom,” said Allen Whittaker. “We have so much love for each other, but I think the only way for us to grow as individuals — thereby growing together — is to explore new frontiers. Neither of us are big on the bar scene or anything like that, but I saw the twinkle in Marie’s eye when she looked at Astarion’s character art, so I bought the game. Now we both have room to experiment, but we’re doing it as a team. That way, no one gets hurt.”

While most of the couple’s friends were verbally supportive, some noted discomfort with the way the pair was approaching this shift in their relationship.

“I’ve gotten, like, thirty texts from Allen asking me if I wanted to party up,” said Janie Houston, Marie’s best friend. “I keep telling him that I don’t swing that way. I’m just not into CRPGs. I never will be. If this is what Marie wants and she’s happy with it, then I’m happy too. I just don’t want to be a part of it, and Allen needs to get that through his thick head.”

Psychologist Gregg Tracy noted that Allen and Marie were not the first couple to attempt this strategy.

“Using video games to expand the boundaries of your relationship is as old as the medium itself,” explained Dr. Tracy. “Dr. Higinbotham’s ‘Tennis for Two’ was just a way for him to indulge in his voyeuristic compulsion to watch people twist knobs. The ‘Asteroids’ guy had a crushing fetish that his wife was uncomfortable with, so he created a way that he could explore it electronically. Hell, at least two generations of women have been using ‘The Sims’ to see what their lives would be like if they never got married. This behavior is normal. If anything, it should be encouraged.”

At press time, Allen was reportedly ready to call the whole thing off after Marie had successfully completed several romances while he was still struggling to woo Shadowheart.

Idyllic JRPG Town Finally Gets a Jersey Mike’s

Posted on by Wyatt Fair

HOG’S HOLLOW, Wispterra — The winds are changing in Wispterra, as the placid forested community of Hog’s Hollow is thrilled to announce they’ve built the region’s first Jersey Mike’s sandwich chain.

“We live simply in Hog’s Hollow, a town founded by farmers and merchants looking to escape the humdrum of city life,” said Mayor Zink Internal, brushing the large exclamation point away from the top of his head. “But we’d heard rumors from passing travelers about a sacred sandwich shop ruled by the deity Mike and his holy tincture of olive oil, red wine vinegar, and forbidden Italian spices. We’d be fools not to accept his love into our hearts, so we franchised one right here, nestled between the apothecary and a house you can enter to talk to some kid who adds absolutely nothing to the story’s plot. Our townsfolk have been nothing short of thrilled, and the stamina boosts are nothing to scoff at either!”

Even the most wizened members of the community have grown fond of the Northeast-American style sub sandwiches.

“I don’t much go for this sort of thing, lunch and what not,” said Porto Grunt, the town’s blacksmith. “I toil from dawn onward on my daggers and halberds, so I’ll be ready to rock when somebody decides they wanna respec from a magic build into something with a bit more physical damage. But when I bit into that #2, brought to us through the sleet and rain from the far-off realm of ‘Jersey Shore’…I shed the first tear I’ve shed since Beastmaster Helm turned my son into a vole. My life has changed forever, and the app is extremely intuitive too.”

Unfortunately, the excitement over this new foreign foodstuff has caused many residents of Hog’s Hollow to fall ill.

“I’m casting Cure Poison as much as I can, but I obviously don’t have the MP to heal everybody,” said local cleric Ophelia Wisp, a pure-hearted child of fourteen who has already been orphaned about five times. “Everybody is going way too hard on these cold cuts. I urged them to find the same clarity I found at age five when my first set of parents died, got resuscitated, then died permanently, but I think my voice is too angelic to actually hear.”

At press time, Professor Oak’s lab in Pallet Town has reportedly been torn down to make room for a Qdoba.

GameStop Employee Recommends ‘New Game: Expensive Edition’

Posted on by Garry Kerls

GRAPEVINE, Texas — GameStop headquarters have reportedly started telling employees to push customers to purchase New Game: Expensive Edition, sources say.

In a company-wide email, Ryan Cohen, GameStop’s newly appointed CEO, introduced the company’s latest game partnership. “We are happy to announce our collaboration with $HUNGRY$ Studios in anticipation for their upcoming release, New Game: Expensive Edition. The newest game in the New Game franchise is set to release during the upcoming holiday season. Until then, every GameStop employee is expected to recommend this game to absolutely everyone who walks into our stores.”

The email went on to detail unique phrases that can steer conversation towards pre-ordering the upcoming release.

“You seem like a gaming aficionado, I know just the game for you,” read one such quote from the email. “Woah there, moneybags! That sure is a lot of Funko Pops, can I interest you in something even more financially irresponsible?” 

The corporate memo also came attached with a pitch package full of slogans and buzzwords about the game itself.

“Did you know New Game: Expensive Edition is the highest ranked game on the Microsoft Store filtered by price highest to lowest?”

At press time, New Game: Expensive Edition: Collector’s Edition: Game of the Year Edition has been announced starting at twice your rent.

Dvd Zslv Deletes Vowels In Tax Write Off

Posted on by Sean Fallon

LOS ANGELES — CEO and President of Warner Bros. Discovery, Dvd Zslv (formerly David Zaslav) has announced he is deleting his vowels in a tax write off.

“At first I thought there’s no way I can make money from this,” said Zslv from his underground lair. “But then I realized within capitalism anything is possible. My accountant loved the idea and already had a boilerplate document ready for me to eke out a few dollars from removing the vowels from my name.”

He added, “My next plan is to somehow find a way to make money by killing Bugs Bunny while Daffy Duck is forced to watch.”

Experts who reviewed the tax write off say it’s a bold but fair move from an executive known for killing movie and TV projects, but other execs think he’s gone too far.

“I get it,” said Bob Iger, CEO of Walt Disney and the man who forced David Lynch to reveal who killed Laura Palmer in an apparent lack of understanding Twin Peaks’ appeal. “If I could make money by selling my own children, I’d do it, but your name is your name. This isn’t like creating a TV series of a hit book series and then shelving it before it gets released to save some dollars which is what I did to the Spiderwick Chronicles. And 10,000 Leagues Under the Sea. I mean really at this point I’d burn Disneyworld to the ground if I thought it would make me a dollar.”

Economists have weighed in on entertainment execs spending more time placating their shareholders than entertaining their customers.

“We have a term for this. It’s rare, but studied by some rogue scholars across the universites,” said economics professor Stephanie Archer. “It’s called an economic serial killer. To be the head of an entertainment service when you seem to hate entertaining your customers is one of the main signs.”

According to those close to the executive, Dvd Zslv’s next plan is to find a way to monetize the rage and disgust felt against him by everyone he’s ever met or spoken to.

Groom Determined to Sneak Fusion Dance Into Wedding Choreography

Posted on by Will Carnevale

CRANBURY, N.J. — Groom Oren Crowne had hoped sneaking a Fusion Dance into his wedding choreography without asking his bride-to-be would somehow bring him and his fiancée closer together than ever, according to worried sources in the bridal party.

“I was wondering why Oren kept muttering ‘wed…ding… hah!’ whenever we tried the moves he suggested,” said Douglas “Dougie” Madison, a choreographer hired by Crowne and bride Gina Lacey to develop their wedding dance. “It would be one thing to include those steps if they fit aesthetically with the elegance and intimacy we’ve been trying to keep front and center, but the so-called Fusion ‘Dance’ is more like a kung fu cheer routine, and has no place in my studio or my choreography.”

The Fusion Dance, a method of joining people not matrimonially, but corporeally, involves a series of synchronized poses that Dragon Ball creator Akira Toriyama has described as “stupid.” Analysts compared footage from a recent rehearsal session at Madison’s studio to footage from the 1995 movie Dragon Ball Z: Fusion Reborn, and concluded that the similarities were too strong to be mere coincidence.

Crowne has since dismissed Fusion Reborn as non-canon and maintains that the allegations against him are false and unfair.

“I would never incorporate Metamoran fusion into my wedding,” Crowne said, stuffing a puffy-collared vest deep into a closet. “Toriyama-sensei himself said that Potara fusions are stronger, and I don’t appreciate the insinuation that I’d only want to be married to Gina for half an hour instead of potentially forever.”

But at least one precedent has caused Lacey to remain skeptical.

“He actually tried the Potara thing first,” Lacey explained. “A few months into our engagement, he started floating the idea that instead of exchanging wedding bands, I could wear ‘special earrings’ during the ceremony and give him one. I thought it was kind of sweet, but as soon as he showed me the earrings, the jig was up. I may have been a reluctant participant in his Fusion Saga rewatch last year, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t paying attention.”

Lacey says that while there are no plans to cancel the wedding, this ordeal has caused her to reexamine the inordinate interest Crowne has taken in their “couple name”—Orengina—and offered new context for the time she observed him motioning aggressively in their bathroom and whisper-shouting phrases like “Final Carbonation” and “Citrus Flash.”