Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Little Baby Boy Tom Holland Stars in Big Grown Up Movie With Adults

Posted on October 8, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Young baby child and Spider-Man actor Tom Holland stars in the new film The Devil All the Time with all the big grown up actors.

“It was very nice working with such a sweet little boy in my new movie,” said director Antonio Campos. “He’s quite amazing, to be honest; he can do all the big boy acting stuff that the grown-ups do! It’s very cute to watch him working on his little accents and facial expressions and such. I hope he sticks with acting! A lot of kids lose interest as they get older and realize the reality of the industry.”

According to those on set, it was a welcome change having a child running around for once, instead of a bunch of adults, like normal.

“It really brightened the mood of the whole cast, having Tom play pretend with us. You gotta remember sometimes that this whole thing is pretty darn silly. I guess having a baby boy like Tom Holland hanging with the adults made us remember that,” said co-star Robert Pattinson. “Sometimes it’s good to just remember what it’s like to be young and not hung up with the problems that come with adulthood. Oh to be Tom’s age, again. Running around chasing butterflies or whatever it is that children get up to.”

At press time, Holland’s smooshy little baby face explained that he had no idea what any of his co-workers were talking about.

“I swear to god,” Holland said,” every time those guys talk, all I hear is the sound the parents make in Peanuts.”

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Tony Hawk Controversially Wins Tournament After Being Allowed Two Dozen Restarts

Posted on October 8, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

MIAMI — Professional skateboarder Tony Hawk surprised the skateboarding community after winning a tournament by successfully convincing the judges to let him start over consequence-free over twenty times.

“Whoa, the Birdman is back,” said Otto Vaugn, a seriously stoked spectator. “He came out of nowhere and we obviously all freaked out. I mean, just to see Tony Hawk is incredible, let alone witness his return to competition. It was a little soured by the fact that he kept eating shit and asking everyone if it was cool if he restarted, but I mean, who’s going to tell Tony Hawk ‘No’?”

Hawk’s repeated runs at yesterday’s Miami stop of The Dew Tour came following a day’s worth of competition from many of today’s premiere skaters, several of which had mixed feelings about the legend’s return.

“He’s the greatest of all time, there’s no doubt about that,” said Leo Baker, who was recently included in the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1+2 remake released earlier this year. “But by the end there he was just screaming ‘Restart!’ every time he messed up and not even waiting for the judge’s approval. Super unfair, but we all just decided it’d be best to let him keep going until he did one he felt good about.”

Following what he’d deemed a successful run, that he pointed out still didn’t feel quite perfect, Hawk announced that the competition would then be able to enter the judging phase, where his 360 Varial McTwist into Rowley Darkslide into 1080 Indy Grab into Wallplant into second 360 Varial McTwist earned him perfect marks from the judges.

“Oh man, it’s so good to be back after all of these years,” said Hawk, following his victory. “I get that some people are pissed about all the restarts, but it is important to me to perform at my absolute highest level. If i’m coming back, you better believe I am going to do everything in my power to protect my legacy. This isn’t a game to me, this is skateboarding.”

As of press time, Hawk had declared his intentions to enter the mysterious skating competition being held at Area 51 next month.

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New Study Finds Crows Really Wish They Could Play Video Games

Posted on October 8, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

DOWNERS GROVE, Ill. — A study by scientists at Midwestern University has revealed that not only are crows capable of sensory consciousness, but that they are also the only member of the animal kingdom that longs to play video games.

“We’ve discovered that crows’ intellect and consciousness are far beyond what we’d previously thought,” said Lydia Seymour, the physiologist in charge of the recent study. “And that when a majority of crows witness someone playing a video game, they display signs of what is largely agreed upon in the avian community to be jealousy. In other words, these bastards would love to get their little claws on a video game controller, and we think they have just enough mental capacities to be aware that this will never, ever happen.”

The discovery was made after a series of experiments designed to test how crows would respond to several types of visual stimuli.

“It was pretty simple really,” said biopsychologist Bryce Reeves, who also participated in the study. “We’d take a crow and show it two screens, one with a video game, and one with a film or TV show. Every single time, the bird would gesture towards the game, indicating that it was the preferred one. Over several months, we were able to use this choosing process to determine that crows prefer looter shooters and strategy games, and can definitely tell the difference between 60fps and 30. That is if they could play them, of course, which they absolutely cannot.”

When asked what would be done with this information, Seymour and Reeves confirmed that work had begun on tiny portable consoles that could hopefully be operated by a crow. Until the technology is available, scientists have urged the public to remember that when a crow squawks they are most likely pleading with you to describe to them your most recent gaming experience.

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Opinion: It Is Literally Impossible for Me to Be the Impostor

Posted on October 8, 2020 by Seth Finkelstein

Okay, first off, I don’t even know why we’re having this Emergency Meeting. Don’t get me wrong, Yellow’s death is a tragedy, and we’re all going to miss the way that she swiped keycards and reconnected wires. But we’ve got an Impostor on board! We can’t waste time sitting around pointing fingers, least of all at me, because it’s literally impossible for me to be the Impostor.

I mean, sure. I was the one who found Yellow’s body. And sure, it was right after the lights mysteriously shut off. And sure, after our last Emergency Meeting, I just stood around waiting for everyone to leave. But does that make me an Impostor? I think it makes me a good friend who watches their friends’ backs and honors the dead, unlike some of the suspicious people around here.

Yeah, I’m talking to you, Red. You’re so sure that you were in Communications. I don’t even know where that is! There’s probably not even a vent in there. And trust me, I’d know! Cause I’m not the Impostor, which means I need to know every location an Impostor would hide.

And what about you, Blue? Mr. “I completed my tasks.” What are you doing with all your spare time, huh? I’ve been following him around relentlessly from room to room, and let me say that he’s acting mighty sus. It could totally be him, or any of you, really. Not me though.

What tasks do I have? I’ll get to that in just a moment.

Now, what do you say we vote not to eject anyone, and continue about our day. It’s the logical thing to do. Cool? Okay, great. We’re basically out of time anyway now that I’m done talking.

While we’re here, I do just want to say if the oxygen for some reason cuts off, I’ll handle turning it back on. Trust me, I’ve got it all under control.

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REPORT: Nobody in Group Chat Touching That One

Posted on October 6, 2020 by Andy Holt

NEW YORK — Members of a local group chat insisted that they wouldn’t be going anywhere near that comment, preferring to let things die down and change the subject later on, maybe in the morning.

“We’ve been down this road before,” said Hannah Peters about the text from her college friend Dave Thompson. “Last year Dave said Deadwood was the best show of the century so far, and when I texted back that I liked The Leftovers better, everybody got into a five-hour argument that ended up with Dave saying he was ashamed to be our friend.”

When asked for details about the text in question, everyone in the chat refused to answer.

“Is this a trap? I bet Dave sent you. No way I’m falling for that one,” said longtime group chat member Billy Pryor, who met Dave through a friend of a friend and doesn’t love his vibe. “First I tell you what I think about his text, then Dave gets wind of it, and all of a sudden I have 60 unread messages and he’s subtweeting me. Leave me alone. I barely know this guy.”

Social psychologists claimed Thompson’s behavior was typical among insecure people.

“There’s a certain type of person who needs constant attention to feel valuable, but they’re scared they aren’t interesting enough for anyone to care about them, so they have to purposely irritate everyone in the group chat just to get a reaction,” said Dr. Irene Witten of New York University. “That’s why their takes are always total dogshit.”

UPDATE: Later comments from Dave indicated that he had already read this article, screenshotted it, and was “getting ready to dunk on those losers” any minute now.

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All Cops Are Bastards Even If They Can Collect All Five COMBO Letters While Scoring 12,376,400 Points

Posted on October 6, 2020 by Jimmy Beliakoff

Alright, listen up. I’ve heard of you bootlicking posers that have been asking if this or that person is excused from the rule that all cops are bastards. Just so everyone will shut up, I’m going to make this abundantly clear: All cops are bastards, no excuses. Not even if they can collect the five COMBO letters while using their special meter to score 12,376,400 points.

When we say all cops, yes, that means even Officer Dick. Even if you recorded a clip where he did a sick vert and then landed right into a 50-50 grind on the helicopter’s blades. First of all, that sounds sick as fuck and if anybody else actually did that they would be cool as shit, but it can’t make up for the fact that we need to totally defund the police, no matter how long and dangerous those helicopter blades are.

Rodney Mullen performing skate magic with his deck on concrete barriers and flatground is dope. Officer Dick doing the exact same thing is propaganda for state-sponsored violence and racism. Plain and simple.

And I know what you’re saying: what if Officer Dick found all the SKATE letters and the secret video tape? Honestly, I can’t think of anything more typical of a narc than stealing private property from citizens who are just exercising their right to kickflip peacefully in an abandoned airplane hangar. It makes me sick.

Honestly, the worst part is that he looks like Jack Black. Do you know how painful it is for me to call Jack Black a bastard? This is as hard for me as it is for you.

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Horny Mathematician Proves 8=D

Posted on October 6, 2020 by Kevin Hufe

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Duke University mathematics professor Richard Hardens shocked and awed the academic world today by publishing his incredibly horny, but accurate proof, finally proving that 8=D.

“For decades, we had been trying to prove C=B, but the variables just weren’t adding up,” Hardens explained. “By proving 8=D, we have opened the door for new kinds of science and technology that could usher in a new era for humanity. I’m both excited and aroused at all the advancements we are going to make with this new information.”

According to the United States Department of Education, the 8=D proof will appear in every child’s mathematics textbook in the country by 2022, either printed as chapters or drawn in by aspiring mathematicians in the margins.

“I don’t even think this is close to the end for this project,” Hardens continued. “I think we have a long hard road ahead of us, figuring just how versatile this proof is. We’ve already quickly proven 8==D and 8===D, and it’s looking incredibly likely that the equation will work for an infinite number of equal signs. If true, that would have a tremendous number of applications in the real world. Honestly, we’re all just oozing with excitement.”

At press time, the Duke University team was reportedly working on a new paper, after shocking the math world once more with their discovery that one can enter number 5318008 into a calculator and flip it upside down.

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Local Wedding Linked to 3,500 Deaths

Posted on October 6, 2020 by Saad Khan

WESTEROS — Following an exhaustive contact tracing study, a recent Riverlands wedding has been linked to 3,500 deaths, sources report.

“The band had just finished playing ‘Thinking Out Loud’ and started up the first few bars of ‘Rains of Castamere,’” said a man known only as “Bloodhorn” who was in attendance at the ill-fated wedding, wiping an inhuman amount of blood off of a large dagger in his possession. “Suddenly, thousands of people started coughing and saying they couldn’t breathe, and next thing you know their throats had somehow slit themselves.”

“I think this will be a wake up call for everybody seeing what happened here,” he said, putting on a bloody cloth mask over his mouth and nose.

Dr. John Tully, a physician and head of the Westeros Department of Public Healing, took a contrary stance by asserting that the amount of people gathered at the densely-packed wedding played no part in the massive loss of life.

“In Westeros, there is a constant threat of having your throat slit. Gathering at a wedding makes no difference,” Tully explained. “It could happen at a concert, it could happen in the town square, or it could even happen while you’re sleeping. I think it would be a mistake to shut down the Riverlands just because of this. It’s nonsense, and I fully expect everyone who thinks this to eventually be baked into a large pie.”

When asked what he believed the cause of death to be, Dr. Tully was clear.

“Oh, no, yeah, they were murdered. No question. It was an act of brazen disregard for human life, but the numbers don’t tell the whole story. A lot of these people who died could have had a pre-existing condition of pissing off a bloodthirsty lord.”

At press time, Bloodhorn and his fellow survivors were urging the public to stay away from large gatherings with the warning that the rate of violent deaths in Westeros would soon increase drastically.

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Scientists Invent Unit of Time Small Enough to Measure Console Preorder Window

Posted on October 5, 2020 by Andy Holt

BOSTON — Researchers have made an astonishing breakthrough in the study of time and space, discovering a measurement small enough to determine the exact amount of time next-gen consoles were available for preorder.

“Until now, the smallest unit of time was the Planck, which is quicker than the time it takes for light to travel the width of a single neutron,” said Dr. Rosemary Tubbs, a leading particle physicist at M.I.T. “Obviously, that’s much too large to measure how long the Xbox Series X was available from the Microsoft store on September 22. We needed to rethink everything.”

The project was a joint venture between M.I.T., Harvard, Oxford, and CERN’s large hadron collider, costing nearly $1 billion in funds pooled from governments worldwide. Scientists insisted the work was more than worthwhile.

“Science has taken on a lot of mysteries, whether it’s the origins of the universe, or the relationship between matter and energy. This question was probably our toughest yet. I mean, after all the money they spent marketing these consoles, and all the time they had to prepare for the demand, how do we fathom just how quickly every single site ran out of stock? A lot of people thought it would be impossible to measure,” said Tubbs. “We showed them.”

Gamers were elated to see their struggles recognized by the scientific community.

“I’ll never forget how it felt when I got up on the 22nd, opened four different sites on two computers, refreshed at the right time, and still came up empty. I was like, man, I got fucked,” said local gamer Hans Weltz. “But now I can say I got fucked, like, scientifically.”

Scientists have yet to name the new units of measurement, but possible titles include Time Mini, Time Slim, and the Artificial Scarcity Series X.

God Uses McRib to Create Female Companion for Ronald McDonald

Posted on October 5, 2020 by Jake Menez

WALLA WALLA, Wash. — Patrons at a local McDonalds restaurant were caught off guard earlier this week as God, alleged creator of the Earth and Heavens, was spotted walking into the establishment to perform a modern miracle, repentant sources confirm.

“This old dude walks up to my table and just grabs my McRib right off my tray,” complained customer Randy Muldoon. “I was just about to kick his ass when I realized it was God Himself. Before I knew it, He’d taken that sandwich and made some sort of woman out of it. Wish He’d have paid me back the $3.69 though.”

Other customers corroborated Muldoon’s story, claiming that God, upon grabbing the limited release sandwich, called out to longtime McDonalds mascot Ronald McDonald to introduce him to his female companion, the newly created Rhonda McDonald.

“Go forth and prosper, my children,” God is reported to have decreed to Ronald McDonald and his new bride. “From this moment on, I give you dominion over all the animals—and whatever the hell Grimace is. You shall rule over this Paradise called McDonalds PlayPlace from the depths of the ball pits to the highest peaks of those plastic tubes that you can crawl around in. From any Happy Meal you may eat freely; but filling your water cup with soda you shall not, for on the day that you drink Hi-C fruit punch without paying, you will surely die.”

Following their introduction, Ronald and Rhonda McDonald seemed to hit it off immediately.

“I’d been pretty lonely for a while,” McDonald admitted. “It’s hard being a clown sometimes, ya know? You’re expected to paint on a big smile to cheer everyone else up when inside you’re as broken as an ice cream machine. For the first time in a long time, I can look at myself in the mirror and say ‘I’m lovin’ it.’ The McRib she came from may be a limited offering, but the love I share with Rhonda is here to stay.”

At press time, The Hamburglar was overheard convincing Rhonda that everyone uses the water cups to get Barq’s root beer for free.

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