Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Nestlé Files Lawsuit Claiming Moon Has No Legal Right to Water

Posted on October 26, 2020 by Andy Holt

ARLINGTON, Va. — Nestlé USA announced a lawsuit against the round astronomical body orbiting Earth, claiming the mass has no inherent legal right to possess water on its surface.

“Water is no different from any other consumer product, like candy or the air we breathe. The idea that the Moon should get it for free is ludicrous. What’s next, free medicine?” said the legal counsel in their initial statement. “Whatever ice may be trapped in the surface of that greedy white circle in the sky, it belongs in the safe hands of private enterprise.”

Nestlé has faced criticism over exploitative practices, both toward the environment and the people who live near their water sites. Sources inside the company insisted that their motives were purely humanitarian.

“Our company is dedicated to making water available for everyone who can pay us for it, or else poor people who we think would look good in advertisements,” said a source who requested anonymity, as they were not authorized to speak about future plans. “Speaking of which, once this lawsuit is done, we might buy the right to put the Moon in a commercial.”

When told the image of the Moon was public domain, the source cut the interview short.

“Not any more it isn’t,” they said. “I need to get legal back on the phone.”

Democrats Introduce Bill to Condemn Coronavirus

Posted on October 26, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and Senator Chuck Schumer have introduced a bill that, if passed, would condemn COVID-19 as a “very bad pandemic,” according to those familiar with their teams.

“The coronavirus is very very bad, and that’s why we need to address it head-on and immediately. Which is why we have introduced this bill to officially, as a government, label it as bad,” said Chuck Schumer at a press conference this morning. “We need to do everything we can to defeat the coronavirus — and by ‘we,’ I mean ‘you.’ You need to do everything you can to defeat the coronavirus. And by that I mean voting for Democrats. So that we can defeat the coronavirus… by empowering you to defeat the coronavirus. Which, again, is very bad — if this bill passes.”

The proposed bill received mixed reactions from Democrats online, with many praising Pelosi and Schumer for taking on Trump, and other, non-wealthy constituents feeling that it did not go far enough.

“If the bill passes, I get to print out a certificate confirming that COVID-19 is officially bad. Not really sure how my landlord is going to feel about that taking the place of my rent this month,” said Arizona resident Maria Gomez. “I guess when I called up Chuck Schumer’s office begging that he do ‘literally anything’ to help me not get evicted, I didn’t actually mean ‘literally’ anything. I wanted a pretty specific thing: money.”

Republicans in Congress have been quick to attack the proposed bill by Democrats.

“I will put a gun to my fucking head and pull the fucking trigger, letting my brain splatter all over my poor, helpless family before I let these Demoncrats pass a bill calling COVID-19 bad,” explained Senator Roy Blunt on the floor of the Senate. “This is an obvious attack on President Donald Trump; they want to pin something that happened in his administration as ‘bad.’ There is absolutely no proof that the coronavirus is bad — unless it came from China, in which case, we can all agree it was an act of the purist evil.”

As of press time, Pelosi and Schumer tried to get Republicans to compromise on a bill that at least confirms that COVID-19 is “not good.”

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Transphobe Who Claimed to Identify as Attack Helicopter Destroyed by U.S. Airforce

Posted on October 25, 2020 by Zoe Grobman

WARMINSTER, Pa. — Local transphobe Graham Webb, 34, has reportedly died after an AGM-114 Hellfire Missile fired from an MQ-9 Reaper Drone owned by the United States Airforce dropped on his house, due to Webb repeatedly asserting that he “sexually identified as an attack helicopter.”

“People need to learn to take a joke,” Webb was heard saying just before the United States Airforce, fearing that he was an enemy combatant helicopter, opened fire on his home. “It’s like, you don’t have to make your gender your whole personality, you know? That’s why I’m trying to spread the word with this pin on my jacket, which reads ‘My Pronouns are WHRR/BRRR.’”

Aspen Jenson, a trans woman who worked with Webb at a copy shop for the past three years, said that Webb made the joke almost constantly.

“Every time we’d be in the break room together, he’d bump into me with his arms spread out like propellers and then tell me I’m being a bigot,” explained Jenson. “He was super annoying, always misgendering me and insulting the various social justice actions I would participate in. Every time I’d walk past his desk, he was clearly just browsing Reddit. Still, I don’t think it’s right that the U.S. Government extrajudicially killed him. Even if the drone attendant happened to be trans.”

Questions as to why Webb was seen as a national security threat were addressed at a press conference this afternoon by U.S. Airforce Secretary Pat Brennan.

“While conducting routine military surveillance of protesters, we were alerted to an individual purporting to be a military vehicle,” he said. “While we could not confirm the veracity of his statements, we know that if there was indeed an attack helicopter living amongst us, this would constitute a grave threat to national security. As such, out of an abundance of caution, we decided the appropriate action would be to launch a preemptive strike”.

When questioned as to the Airforce’s response to the 54 children at the kindergarten next to Webb’s house who also died in the explosion, Brennan mumbled something about human shields and quickly ended the press conference.

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Twitch Streamer Rigged to Explode If Game Drops Below 30 FPS

Posted on October 25, 2020 by Jake Menez

LOS ANGELES — Professional streamer Sandra Cruz — known online as CruzControl2 — strapped a series of bombs to her livestream this of The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild this morning and was set to explode if it dropped below 30 frames per second.

“Say sike right now,” user Cyberspunk69 wrote in the chat while Cruz guided Link across an open field full of horses. “Ur crazy for trying this. Def gonna sub if u blow up tho.”

“I couldn’t even finish the game cuz the lag was so bad,” added DocStrangeluv just as the bomb beeped loudly in response to a momentary framerate drop. “But I’m definitely following to see what crazy shit she does next.”

People quickly began to watch the stream as word spread — by the third hour of the marathon stream, Cruz had amassed over three thousand viewers and nearly two hundred new subscribers to her profile. However, her excitement quickly transformed into a somber plea around the fourth hour of gameplay.

“Hey guys,” Cruz began as she addressed her audience. “I just want to thank you all for liking and subscribing; it means so much to me that you’re here. But is anybody here, like, good with bombs? I didn’t plan ahead how I was gonna take this thing off and I’m getting tired.”

Viewers in the chat responded with a variety of emoji as a tearful Cruz explained.

“Yeah, I didn’t think this completely through. It’s just so hard to get followers on Twitch and so I thought maybe I’d do something exciting for people. But this is the third time I’ve done this bomb thing and the bomb squad isn’t returning my calls. Next time I’m definitely just going to scream my head off playing Among Us, like everybody else.”

At press time, horrified viewers were unable to look away from their screens as Cruz prepared to enter the Korok Forest.

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Guy Considering Making Dragon Ball Z His Whole Thing

Posted on October 25, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

FORT COLLINS, Colo. — A local guy looking to mix things up has reportedly considered making Dragon Ball Z like his whole thing.

“I think Dragon Ball Z would be a great fit for me,” said Colt Woodcock, who’s previous whole things have included Android phones, marijuana, and disliking the films of Christopher Nolan. “Because there is a video game, cards, clothes, just all kinds of shit that I can really commit to being ‘That guy that is into Dragon Ball Z.’ Watch the fuck out, Craig.”

Many in the psychological community maintain that having a healthy whole thing can increase a person’s overall self esteem.

“The benefits of having a whole solid vibe are immeasurable,” said Faith Hawes, a psychologist that specializes in the studying of personalities. “Whether it be a sports team, Batman, or some podcast you listen to, it’s very important to one’s identity to just completely dive into whatever you’re into with both feet. Humans are complicated creatures, and very often deceitful. We spend so much time wondering about other people’s motivations and true feelings, that it can serve as a huge relief to meet someone and just know that, hey, this dude straight up loves Dragon Ball Z.”

Woodcock’s social circle was reportedly bracing for his new persona.

“God, he’s burning right through them,” said Elliott Mathis, a friend of Woodcock’s. “Just two months ago he sold his home brewing supplies to buy a bunch of equipment for his new YouTube show about professional wrestling action figures and said he was going all in on that. So I’m guessing there won’t be any new episodes of Action Figure Four anytime soon, huh?”

As of press time, Woodcock was performing a Google image search of “DragonBall Z tattoos.”

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Trump Criticized for Diverting Funding From Everybody Votes Channel to Check Mii Out

Posted on October 24, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

WASHINGTON D.C. — President Donald Trump is facing criticism from Democratic leaders after announcing plans to divert funding from the Nintendo Wii’s Everybody Votes channel to Check Mii Out just weeks before the election.

“Everybody Votes? Let me tell you, it’s a sham, believe me,” Trump told reporters outside the White House. “It doesn’t work and the people, they don’t even want it, okay? So I said, enough with the voting, let’s put the money into what the people want. And they tell me, what they want is to see more of my Miis. The people, they love my Miis, can’t get enough.”

According to White House aides, Trump considers the Everybody Votes channel “totally rigged” and intends to throw it out entirely. He hopes to permanently replace the voting app with Check Mii Out, which gives Wii owners the option to click a big “I like it!” button to show approval for his Mii.

“Look, the channel is a hot bed for voter fraud,” said Senator Lindsey Graham. “I’ve heard stories of people registering their deceased family members’ Miis so they can vote up to six times. We can’t ensure that critical decisions like “What’s the best condiment?” are decided fairly unless we take away people’s right to vote. That’s the cornerstone of democracy.”

Detractors criticized the funding move, calling it a vanity project for the President. Several house Democrats have grown concerned that it opens the door for Trump to enact more radical measures like resurrecting Miitomo.

“This President has once again shown a blatant disregard for Americans,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “This is the same President who defunded the Wii Weather channel, because it showed the country was experiencing unusually warm temperatures. If he gets his way, he’ll come for the News channel next.”

Undeterred by criticism, Trump celebrated with his first public Mii Parade, featuring Trump’s avatar matching alongside a sea of Adolf Hitler Miis, which he claimed to know nothing about.

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Game About Inescapable Hellscape Really Resonating With People Right Now For Some Reason

Posted on October 24, 2020 by Mo Mozuch

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Developers at Supergiant Games reportedly cannot pinpoint why their hit game Hades, about a man attempting over and over again to escape the depths of the underworld, has resonated so hard with fans the last few months.

“For some reason our game about relentless, futile attempts to navigate through literal pits of despair is connecting with audiences,” Supergiant Creative Director Greg Kasavin said. “It’s quite a surprise to be honest. We thought this game would tank, not soar to immediate word of mouth must-buy status.”

Kasavin explained that, although the game features fantastic level design, innovative progression mechanics and a narrative that both honors and subverts tropes within Greek mythology, the team felt it would be too depressing to really catch on. Early in development they contemplated taking a more hopeful tone.

“We thought maybe it would be better to give people some save points or introduce happier levels that would be like a break. A few fig trees would’ve been nice,” said Kasavin. “I think we decided we had come too far in the process and couldn’t turn back. None of us really understand it. Why are audiences identifying with the concept of starting each day in a fresh hell populated by familiar faces who seem resigned to fate but stay honor-bound to their mission of making you exponentially more miserable?”

Compounding the studio’s confusion is the surge they saw in Nintendo Switch sales, a console designed to go anywhere and everywhere with ease. For Kasavin, the prospect of toiling against existential uselessness seemed best suited to PC.

“I mean, sitting in an unlit room bent over a PC is how we imagined the experience should be. We never figured people would carry a device from room to room glued to a tiny screen that delivers nothing but a constant stream of disappointment and brutality,” he said. “It’s hard to imagine people doing that to themselves in their free time.”

Kasavin closed the interview by reaffirming that he had no idea why Hades was one of the top selling games of September 2020, the hottest September in Earth’s recorded history.

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Nintendo Confirms Dry Bones is Uncircumcised for Some Reason

Posted on October 23, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

KYOTO, Japan — In a new interview with Famitsu, Nintendo President Shuntaro Furukawa inexplicably veered off topic to confirm that Mario villain Dry Bones is indeed uncircumcised.

“Before we discuss Hyrule Warriors, I’d like to say one thing,” Furukawa told the reporter. “You know Dry Bones, the delightful skeleton koopa from Super Mario Bros. that falls apart when you jump on him? His penis was not altered in any way at birth. The whole thing is still in one piece. I hope this clears up any confusion fans have had over the past three decades.”

Furukawa tried to turn the conversation back to Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity, but Famitsu reporter Matsuo Totoya pressed Furukawa further, seemingly baffled by the implication that Dry Bones has foreskin at all.

“Wait, wait, let’s back up,” a bewildered Totoya responded. “Mr. Furukawa, Dry Bones is a skeleton koopa, is he not? By his very nature, he has no skin at all. I would believe that a living koopa would still have their foreskin intact, but surely Dry Bones’ penis is just one big bone.”

The two went on to have a long discussion about the mechanics of koopa anatomy. At one point, Furukawa explained that doctors originally tried to circumcise Dry Bones when he was born, but his foreskin immediately reformed onto his body a few seconds after being removed.

“This is only partially true,” said Dry Bones creator Shigeru Miyamoto when asked for confirmation. “Dry Bones was first introduced in Super Mario Bros. 3, which we all know is actually a play. So it is more accurate to say that the actor portraying Dry Bones in that game is uncircumcised, you see? The Dry Bones in Mario Tennis Aces has been cut.”

When asked if the announcement is at all related to Nintendo’s previous comments that Waluigi is uncircumcised, Miyamoto declined to respond, noting that no one in the company gives a shit about Waluigi anymore and were all in on Dry Bones now.

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We’re Done With Waluigi. From Now On, We’re All In on Dry Bones

Posted on October 22, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

We here at Hard Drive, but also we as a culture, have spent a lot of time focusing on Nintendo’s scraggly purple stick man, Waluigi. Waluigi is fun. He’s a twist on a twist on Mario, the most iconic video game character of all time. Waluigi represents a wicked sense of humor, frustration at not being included in the cool Bros club, and loving tennis. He’s also purple, which as we all know, is the color of royalty.

But all things must resolve, and as the world continues to change, so must our video game culture; Waluigi’s time in the spotlight must come to an end.

From now on, Hard Drive will be 100% all in on Dry Bones. We’re balls-to-the-walls Dry Bones. We’re a Dry Bones stan website.

Dry Bones looks deep into our souls with his beady little yellow eyes. What’s inside of this skeleton boy? A big heart, that’s for sure.

What is Dry Bones? Relegated to just one line of information on the Wikipedia page for “Characters In The Mario Franchise” under “Recurring enemies,” Dry Bones is a skeleton Koopa Troopa that reassembles itself after being hit. But he’s also much more than that.

Dry Bones is a tennis player. He’s a go-kart racer. He’s a friend.

If there’s one thing we know about Dry Bones, it’s that he loves to hang. Canonically, Dry Bones just goes wild for hanging with his boys. He may be dead (?), but he keeps his buds’ spirits alive.

We all know Dry Bones for his coy, sharp wit, but he also has a softer side. Here is a short list of things that we like about Dry Bones:

He is a spooky skeleton man year-round. Halloween doesn’t end for Dry Bones.
He is a non-speaking Bowser minion who got elevated to tennis and go-kart friend level. Big moves!
Sometimes he has wings, like an adorable angel of death.
He’s the kind of mild-mannered skeleton who still feels the need to wear shoes and gloves.
He reminds us that, when you get knocked down, all you have to do is reassemble yourself and get back up again. He is the living embodiment of the song “Tubthumping”.
He implies that bones are wet, which, for the most part, they are.
His name kind of sounds like a different version of the term “dry hump.”

At the end of the day, Dry Bones represents a world of possibility for our culture. Waluigi’s reign has been good for us all, but if we want other characters to be able to expand their skeleton bodies of work, we need to make the space for them to do so. We need to be proactive about our efforts to give them that room. And sometimes, we have to say goodbye to our good friends for a while.

So goodbye, Waluigi. We’ll meet again one day, I’m sure. But just as 2013 was The Year of Luigi, November 2020 and beyond begins the Era of Dry Bones. Long live Dry Bones. If Dry Bones isn’t added to Smash Bros this DLC pack, I’ll kill myself, etc.

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Tim Cook Announces “We Decided to Make the iPhone Worse This Time”

Posted on October 22, 2020 by Hard Drive Staff

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple CEO Tim Cook astonished Silicon Valley with a promise to disregard customers’ high expectations at this week’s iPhone press event.

“Every year we pride ourselves in releasing our best iPhone yet,” said Cook, who took on the mantle of CEO in 2011. “But this year we’re gonna get jazzy with it. We decided to make the iPhone worse this time.” The move surprised industry experts and sent the company stock into violent upward and downward shifts that have yet to settle.

“Today we are excited to introduce the iPhone Zero,” said the Alabama native. “Next year we’ll do a good one, this is something we had to get out of our systems.”

The new phone comes with hardware and software updates that will be immediately noticeable to longtime users. Said Senior VP of Hardware Engineering Dan Riccio, “We took all the cameras off. Who the fuck are you?”

“We removed the cameras to make room for the Sharp Part,” he explained. “It’s a new part on the back of the Zero that’ll really cut up your shit if you aren’t careful. So watch out.”

Riccio also detailed the iPhone Zero’s new always-ringing technology, blasting the classic iPhone default ringtone and vibrating in your pocket “whether you’re checking your email on the train to work, out for a jog, and getting in touch with your loved ones.”

Cook then returned to the stage with more updates: “Each year we unveil the fastest iPhone ever. The Zero just uses whatever processors we had lying around. It might be fast. It might be pretty slow. Whatever, you’ll learn to deal with it.”

“But this isn’t just old technology. New cutting-edge sensors allow Siri to know when you’re afraid, and rest assured she will absolutely use that information to manipulate you,” he continued.

Every Zero will be uniquely configured to get either very hot or very cold. The phone will come preloaded with both seasons of The Cosby Mysteries at no extra charge. Finally, the Zero introduces a new standard of charging cable, but in keeping with Apple’s environmentally-friendly packaging, it will not be included.

Cook concluded the controversial Apple Event by announcing changes to Apple’s flagship stores. Said Cook, “starting today we are replacing our famous Genius Bar with just a bunch of real dumbasses.”

The iPhone Zero will retail for $1199.

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