Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Man Can’t Throw Away PS2 Multitap in Case Three Friends Want to Get Together and Play a Few Rounds of ‘Twisted Metal: Black’

Posted on October 30, 2020 by Jon Ruggiero

PARMA, Ohio — Local game collector Steve Yalper is dutifully holding on to his vintage PlayStation 2 Multitap in case up to three of his friends decide they want to swing by his place and play some Twisted Metal: Black.

“I don’t even have a PlayStation 2,” explained Yalper. “But when you see something like this for $2 at a Goodwill, you gotta purchase it, you know? What if I find a PS2, a copy of Tekken Tag Tournament, four controllers, and three other people also interested in those things? I’d be out of luck!”

Yalper, who has also recently bought just the salvaged hard drive of a broken Xbox 360 and a Sega Dreamcast fishing controller, says that the anxiety of the pandemic has increased his nostalgia for old gaming memorabilia. He is reportedly planning on having friends, neighbors, ‘and whoever’ over for a party in the upcoming months once he collects enough old hardware to actually play something.

“Oh yeah, once things go back to normal I’m gonna have one hell of a bash,” he said. “And you can be sure I won’t be caught with my pants down when someone says ‘Hey, me and my two friends want to play Crash Team Racing, can anyone help us out?’” I’m gonna be a legend!

At press time, Yalper’s friends were all enjoying a multiplayer game on Steam.

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Trump Administration Remains Silent on Rumored Melania Series X

Posted on October 30, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — Despite many pictures and sources alleging its development, the Trump administration has remained tight lipped about the heavily rumored Melania Series X.

“There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that we’re working on a new design of Melania,” said White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany regarding the recent photographs that many have claimed show Trump with what is clearly a bigger, more powerful version of his wife. “You cannot believe everything you read in the mainstream media, I’m afraid. Nor should you trust the things you see with your mainstream eyes. This administration will continue to be forthcoming about any any and all breakthroughs made in the development of future editions of the First Lady.”

Many in the games press have alleged that Trump has at the very least a prototype model of what has been dubbed ‘Melania Series X,’ that he has been spotted with in various public appearances.

“Basically I think Melania got Covid and wasn’t up to some of her appearances,” said Esther Draper, a freelance technology journalist who has been following the story. “So they had the perfect excuse to silently try out the Series X. I think it’ll be the standard model in the White House by the end of the year, to be honest. Much more resistant to viruses, and the level of facial detail makes it the most lifelike edition of the hardware yet. Very exciting stuff for tech nerds like me!”

As of press time, Super Eric Trump has been delayed until early 2021.

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Dune Movie Delayed so Denis Villeneuve Can Finish Reading Book

Posted on October 30, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Sources have revealed that the most recent delay of the upcoming Dune adaptation was not related to Covid-inspired box office doubts, but rather the director needing a little bit more time to finish the book.

“Fuck, I really thought I’d be through this by now,” said Denis Villeneuve, the acclaimed director behind the adaption. “I kept stalling out trying to read the book, so I got the thing on tape, and that was going well but then I got logged out of my Audible and I don’t know the password anymore, and then I got into some other books and then the all the sudden I’m supposed to be finishing this movie. Oh shit!”

“I had some really cool ideas for an ending for one character,” Villeneuve added, “and then I got to the part in the middle where he dies! I was like, ‘fuck!’ I loved that guy!”

Warner Brothers has announced that the film will be delayed until Villeneuve has had time to finish the book and kind of chew on it for a while, giving the visionary director of Arrival and Sicario time to finish Frank Herbert’s visionary work and come up with a vision of his own to commit to film.

“Denis is always so well prepared,” said Dune and Blade Runner 2049 actor Dave Bautista. “So when he was always carrying a copy of Dune around when we were filming, I figured it was just to make absolutely sure we were staying true to the novel. Turns out, he was reading it on the fly, doing his homework right before class, that bastard! This explains why he kept calling me in the middle of the night to get my take on the next day’s scene.”

Though principal photography was scheduled to be finished by now, studio executives have ordered an extended shoot, so that the finished film might better reflect the original source material.

“We were looking at a rough cut of his,” said Richard Beck, an executive at Warner Brothers. “And while the beginning really was impressive, the ending was just off the rails. Some real Game of Thrones shit. It’s like you could tell exactly how far he’d made it into the book, once the plot stops moving along and all the characters just start talking about all of the sand dunes and how nice they are, and then Paul Atreides slides down one and everyone cheers and the credits roll. Suffice to say, this film is not ready to be released.”

As of press time, Villenueve refused to comment on the allegations that he merely thought he’d signed on to remake a 1984 David Lynch film.

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U.S. Announces Plan to Withdraw All Troops from Donkey Kong Country by Christmas

Posted on October 30, 2020 by Jake Menez

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump took to Twitter last night to announce that all American forces currently serving overseas in Donkey Kong Country are expected to be home by Christmas.

The announcement came as a shock to the American public, as the United States had maintained continuous involvement in Donkey Kong Country since 1994. Speaking on the basis of anonymity, a top-ranking general offered their assessment of the situation.

“Donkey Kong Country has been a perceived threat to American democracy for nearly thirty years. We first began to explore intervention in the region years ago when our satellites captured images of militants training rhinos for combat,” explained the general. “It wasn’t until our intel people got their hands on what appeared to be a training video that we got the go-ahead to assert an American presence in the region.”

The conflict eventually concentrated on an individual militant group within the country, which the U.S. ultimately failed to eliminate.

“We believed at the time that this so-called ‘DK Rap’ was designed to radicalize the population to the Kong mindset, so we got boots on the ground in that jungle in search of WMDs and the Kongs’ leader, Donkey,” said the general, referencing a satellite image of a remote military compound. “But when our SEAL team infiltrated his stronghold, all they turned up was a horde of bananas and some tasteful neckwear. Nothing left to do but go home.”

Contrary to the White House’s stance, many citizens expressed a belief that the United States’ role in Donkey Kong Country was motivated by lesser reasons than peacekeeping. One radical anti-war activist weighed in via Zoom.

“They-a never thought there were-a weapons of-a mass destruction!” said the activist, a man dressed in overalls with a green cap who also preferred to remain anonymous. “That was a line they used because-a they thought there was oil they could take-a for themselves. Those G-men saw all these-a barrels and invaded the whole damn country. But the joke’s-a on them because the barrels were just-a full of more Kongs!”

At press time, a leak from the White House suggested that although the United States would keep its promise to end direct involvement in Donkey Kong Country, President Trump had asked officials to explore the possibility of funding the Kremling Krew, an authoritarian militia identified as a hate group by U.S. intelligence communities, to “maintain law and order” in the region.

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‘America Will Look Vastly Different After November,’ Says Man Discussing ‘Hyrule Warriors’ Launch Day

Posted on October 29, 2020 by Jolie Darrow

WASHINGTON — Warning his friends and loved ones of the coming weeks and months of uncertainty, local politico Philippe Cruz remarked today that America will look vastly different after November following the launch of Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity.

“It may sound like hyperbole to say this is the most important November of our lives, but it’s true,” began Cruz’s roughly 5,000-word long Facebook post. “We’re approaching a turning point in our nation’s history, and we all know what’s at stake this year: whether Zelda-themed Musou games are sustainable enough to be their own standalone series. The original Hyrule Warriors release was a test to see how we would react. This time around, I encourage everyone reading this to pay attention. The world could change pretty quickly around us very soon.”

Cruz’s post has clearly struck a nerve among his social network, and has so far garnered several hundred reactions and impassioned comments from his friends and family.

“I’ve lived through a lot of really hyped launch days. Some stand out more than others,” commented Cruz’s uncle Thomas, a veteran of the console wars. “But the new Hyrule Warriors is the most important launch in our lifetime. No matter what the outcome is after they count up all of the sales numbers, we need to come together and be prepared for whatever comes next. We can’t have a redo of ET: The Extra Terrestrial for the Atari 2600. We must not reverse the course of our nation’s progress.” Thomas’s message garnered 26 likes at press time as well as a photo reply of a Sonic the Hedgehog ‘ok boomer’ meme from mutual friend Ashley Martin.

Cruz says that he feels that his call to action made an impact, but he says it’s important to maintain energy leading up to launch day and not lose sight of the goal.

“This game needs to be good. The last one wasn’t that great, and it didn’t actually deliver on any of the promises made by the trailer. Some people are already saying that the Hyrule Warriors series is already in decline. How will we be able to look our children in the eyes decades from now and tell them we stood by while the greatest spin-off in video game history fell to ruin? Not even Link would stay silent and watch that happen.”

At press time, Cruz was following up in the comments section of his post urging everyone to make their voices heard this November through Nintendo’s customer feedback page.

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Anonymous ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Contractor Reveals Intense Crunch Culture Made Him Say “Whoa”

Posted on October 28, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — An anonymous whistleblower working on Cyberpunk 2077 with CD Projekt Red has revealed a pattern of intense and abusive crunch culture that left him saying “whoa” to co-workers and employers.

“With all the delays, I’ve been working 100 hour weeks, walking around all day in motion capture suits,” said the source, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear for their career. “I’ve worked hard jobs in the past that were really hard. You know, training for stunts and stuff like that. But do these guys even know who I am?! Actually wait, maybe I shouldn’t say that.”

Those close to the anonymous source have confirmed that they have been complaining about the long hours and difficult crunch process for quite some time.

“Yeah he’s always telling me about how crazy his job is,” said the source’s friend, actor Alex Winter. “I thought it was kinda weird, because I have read all those horrifying articles about crunch culture, but I didn’t realize it went beyond the developers. It’s pretty terrifying to imagine that actors are having to deal with this work culture too. Especially considering that [REDACTED] works two or three jobs, if you add up all the new movies he’s starring in.”

Despite the source having shined a spotlight on the working conditions of those at CD Projekt Red, many developers have criticized their statement.

“I have a family to feed and I’m absolutely terrified to lose this job, or say not to my boss. This guy is a multi-millionaire. He does not need to be doing all this!” said Cyberpunk 2077 developer Martin Kowalczyk. “We’re being completely overworked — it’s a nightmare — but no one asked him to do all his own stunts. There are not stunts in this! It’s a video game! I get that he has a reputation for being an incredibly nice guy, but I think he got caught up in a favor that has gone on way too long.”

As of press time, the anonymous source was seen sadly eating a sandwich on a park bench.

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Boyfriend Takes -7 Environmental Damage Per Second on Mission to Grocery Store

Posted on October 28, 2020 by Chandler Dean

OXFORD, Ohio — In a journey that exposed one of his most glaring character vulnerabilities, local boyfriend Zach McInnes suffered -7 environmental damage per second on his most recent time trial at the grocery store.

McInnes, who has maxed out his Dish-Washing and Trash-Taking abilities at the expense of treating Food Preparation as a dump stat, relayed the debilitating nature of his slog through the Kroger course.

“Once I get in there, I’ve got about 45 seconds to complete the mission before my energy is completely depleted,” explained McInnes, his body still intermittently blinking red to indicate the slow depletion of his health. “I can recover once by loitering around the cereal aisle, but after that, the safety net’s gone — I just gotta move fast.”

The grocery store is just one environment where McInnes faces a built-in disadvantage as a boyfriend type; he also experiences -9 environmental damage per second at department stores, automatically loses all equipped items when entering or leaving an airplane, and is immune to stamina boosts from consuming vegetables.

McInnes’s partner and quest-giver, Robin Kundanmal, lamented his inability to finish the task without incident.

“I truly send him to get the most basic ingredients,” Kundanmal, who rewards McInnes’s successful efforts with continued companionship, vented. “But if there’s more than five things on the list he claims to be ‘over-encumbered’ and takes twice as long to get home. It’s such a cop out.”

At press time, McInnes was enjoying a +5 stamina bonus from hanging out in that one part of Best Buy with the couches and the hyper-photorealistic clips of The Avengers on infinite repeat.

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PlayStation Owner Wondering When Sony Is Going to Send Him All Those Trophies

Posted on October 28, 2020 by John Dixon

CARRBORO, N.C. — A local gamer is on the warpath against Sony as, after six years, he has yet to receive a single physical PlayStation Trophy.

“I was always an Xbox guy, but I got a PS4 on launch day before Xbox announced all those exclusives and I got super hype when I saw that instead of achievements, I could get trophies,” said Bart Hull from his house, which was tragically devoid of any kind of trophy. “But now the console generation is almost over and I have yet to receive a single one of the hundreds of trophies I’ve earned from Sony.”

He added, “It’s to the point that, if I don’t get a trophy in the mail soon I’m not getting a PS5.”

Workers at the local GameStop where Hull purchased his PlayStation initially bore the brunt of Hull’s complaints, and developed a unique approach for dealing with the irate gamer.

“Yeah, every time that guy came in to get new games, he’d make a comment about how it’s weird he hasn’t gotten any trophies yet. We sorta thought he just sucked at the games he was playing, but eventually he flat-out asked when we received our trophies in the mail,” said store manager Brian West. “Once we knew he was expecting physical trophies, we just kept telling him stuff like, ‘Well, they’ve gotta come all the way from Japan, give them time,’ because it was just hilarious at that point.”

A representative from Sony’s American arm was unsurprised to hear of Hull’s misunderstanding and frustration.

“This is far from the first person to think PlayStation trophies are physical items we ship to players, and I’m sure he won’t be the last,” said Sony spokesman William Bruce. “At this point it’s taking so many man hours to field all the calls and complaints that we’re considering actual trophies, because it could represent an actual savings for us.”

At press time, Hull had just earned his first platinum PlayStation trophy by completing Ghost of Tsushima and was spotted at a local trophy shop, commissioning a trophy of his own.

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Pirate Bay Salvages What It Can From Wreck of Quibi

Posted on October 27, 2020 by Jon Ruggiero

LOS ANGELES — Members of The Pirate Bay took to the cyber seas to salvage the wreckage of disgraced short-form video streaming service Quibi.

“We be seein’ wrecks like these every few months now. These streamin’ services often tend to beach themselves without proper managin’,” explained pirate Edgar Greenskin. “It’s been a week since tha wreckage, so the scraps are measly, but hopefully we can get us some of that Punk’d from captain Chance the Rappa!”

Quibi, which experts say stands for “quick business” due to its six-month lifespan, crashed recently during a video conference with its creator Captain Jeffrey Katzenberg.

“Many captains go down with their ship,” Katzenberg said, “but I think I’ll just move onto being CEO of some other incredibly unpopular, but lucrative business for me and my friends. And if these unlawful pirates try to pick through the scraps of our streaming service that only plays backwards movies on Amazon Kindles, I’ll have them all hanged.”

Despite Katzenberg’s warnings, the pirates have scrounged together some impressive finds.

“Oh, a’course there’s a gem or two in there,” yarr’d Greenskin. “One of the shows explores the relationship between TV writer Dan Harmon’s current wife and former sex doll in a humorous light. That’s gotta be worth somethin’!”

As of press time, the most valuable treasure thus far combed from the debris is a video of a woman with a prosthetic golden arm, which Greenskin became obsessed with as soon as he saw it.

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The Diversity in ‘Hades’ Is Unrealistic Because There Should Be More White People in Hell

Posted on October 27, 2020 by Aaron Weerasinghe

I love Hades as much as everyone else seems to, but I have to admit that the diversity in the game does kind of take me out of it a bit. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the diversity in this game about trying to escape the bowels of the underworld is downright unrealistic because we should be seeing way more white people in hell.

My issue isn’t with the liberties they took designing the Olympians. I think it’s great that there’s a Black Athena and South Asian Dionysus. Like the developers themselves have said, they’re Greek gods because they were worshipped in Greece, not because they’re ethnically Greek. But this is a game about climbing out of the lowest reaches of hell, and the only white man we see eternally damned for his sins is Sisyphus. What happened to accurate representation? There should be leagues — nay, swarms — of white men damned for their hubris in the underworld. Do better. Supergiant Games included so many vibrant characters by completely disregarding white people, many of whom should be toiling in hell.

It’s just not enough that some of the wretches of Tartarus are coded white with their blond bowl-cuts. We shouldn’t have to settle. Yes, I know the game takes place in Ancient Greece and all the characters are from Greek mythology, but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable when I say that I can’t immerse myself in a depiction of hell that doesn’t include every U.S. president, Christopher Columbus, Margaret Thatcher, and a bunch of guys with bad undercuts in ill-fitting suits. If the developers really cared about creating a believable underworld, we would have at least seen Tisiphone flaying Ronald and Nancy Reagan alive in a cutscene.

All this being said, I do think Hades’ depiction of Zeus as a disproportionately powerful, irresponsible, entitled old white man who generally kind of sucks is a particularly inspired decision.

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