Gamer Sick of Two-Console System

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

WASHINGTON — Local gamer Stephen Nelson exhaustedly told friends Wednesday night that he is done with participating in the antiquated two-console system forced on him by society, sources confirmed.

“I just feel like no matter which side I pick, there’s no way it’s going to meaningfully impact my life,” Nelson explained. “But what are you gonna do? You gotta play games, even if they’re virtually the same thing with both systems. People just want fun games without shitty microtransactions, but both consoles are happy to dump whatever sequel on us until the end of time. Microsoft keeps pushing their Halo agenda and Sony keeps pushing their God of War agenda. At the end of the day, they’re both just angry old men who wanna kill stuff.”

According to Nelson, he would get a different console if he felt that it was viable for him as a gamer.

“I know the third-console, Nintendo, is what fits what I want out of a game system the most,” Nelson continued, “but at the end of the day, it’s just unrealistic to think that the big AAA games are going to be on that. We live in a world where the big multiplayer games like Warzone are just always going to be exclusive to the two big consoles. If you’re not playing those kinds of games, you’re basically throwing your gaming away.”

Third-console players, however, pushed back against allegations that their gaming didn’t matter, saying that the only way to change things was to hold the big two accountable.

“I only play Nintendo, plus a few emulators I set up on the Raspberry Pi. Have you heard about Raspberry Pi? I bet you haven’t. People are brainwashed,” said independent gamer Gail Preston. “Nothing is going to change until we demand it.”

At press time, Nelson decided to sit out this gaming console cycle and just get really into D&D.

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New Photo Filter Shows What You Would Look Like in Facial-Recognition Database

Posted on by Kiel Lewis

SAN JOSE, Calif. — App start-up Throl has announced the new FaceServe photo filter, which shows users what they look like in any of the dozens of facial-recognition databases Throl leases to corporate interests and despotic governments.

“We’re very excited for this new opportunity to hold a mirror to society’s face, even if we have to do it one person at a time,” said Throl founder, Percy Brighton, masked under the grease-based Juggalo face-paint that has proven effective in countering the very facial-recognition technology Brighton profits from. “Never before has the opportunity been greater to license a stranger’s image for use in Southeast Asian palm oil marketing.”

FaceServe works by sending user-submitted photos to an Idaho-based server, where biometric data is extracted and distributed. Then, a copy of the interface display used by computers on that network is returned to the user, with listed personal information (i.e. name, address, contact information, purchasing habits, internet use history, etc.). The information is safely redacted to make sure it never gets in the wrong hands.

“We are so proud of the security of our servers. Never before has sensitive information been so safe from the hands of people or entities unwilling to pay top dollar for it”, said Brighton while flipping through a key ring full of USB drives loaded with bitcoin account information. “In fact, we are so dedicated to security that we work with a number of national security forces around the world to provide them with the facial data we collect from all users, especially if they’re the sort of troublemakers who direct revolutionary thinking away from app development.”

Rumors suggest Throl’s next project will merge FaceServe with a typical face-swapping app, so users can see what their friends and family might look like in the database as well.

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Animal Crossing Villagers Actually Haven’t Noticed You’ve Been Gone

Posted on by Pat Cavanaugh

DESERTED ISLAND — Villagers on the island you helped populate haven’t noticed your multi-month absence, according to reporters who recently visited.

“Steve… Steve. Was he one of the penguins?” asked Scoot between jumping jacks. “Oh, Steve, the guy who made the store! I remember him. Man, have things changed. Does Steve still live here, zip zoom?

Scoot was not alone. The majority of the island inhabitants had trouble remembering when they last saw you, if they recalled you at all.

“You know, life moves on. Flowers keep blooming. Fruit keeps growing. Waves keep crashing. We all thought Steve was just staying in more or something,” said Marshal while puffing on a hand-rolled cigarette. “I mean, it made sense—he had the biggest house on the island. Then weeds started growing around his mansion, and we thought maybe he got lazy. And then we stopped thinking of him at all, sulky.”

When you arrived on the island, you unwittingly assisted Tom Nook in seizing absolute economic power. Since you’ve been away, the residents have restructured their society to be more equitable.

“Some months back, we held an island meeting and decided our system wasn’t just. We voted to convert Nook’s Cranny into a co-op, we outlawed Tom Nook’s loans, and we seized the land for the community, foxtrot,” said Audie. “Now we spend so little time working and so much time drinking mojitos by the beach that anything in the ‘before times,’ as we say, doesn’t seem real.”

There was one villager who remembered you with clarity, though.

“Of course I remember Steve, crisp!” said Raymond. “Guy bought me for $50 on eBay and then ghosted. Now the commies have taken over.”

“This is my hell!” screamed Raymond as he fired off a desperate networking email.

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Gamer Buys Both Nate Silver and Nate Gold Versions to Get Full Results

Posted on by Saad Khan

ERIE, Pa. — Local gamer Glenn Rice reportedly purchased both Nate Silver and Nate Gold versions of the 2020 presidential election forecast in order to get a full picture of the expected results.

“Some people say it’s a cash grab to have two versions, but it’s the only way to get the complete results,” said Rice. “In the Nate Gold version, all of your polls have a +5% margin of error. Without the Nate Silver version’s -5% margin to balance it out, you’re going to be overestimating support for any candidate.”

In addition to balancing out the margin of error, Rice also detailed the exclusive exit polls featured in each version.

“I did a lot of research beforehand and saw that each version only has a certain number of states in it,” he said, pulling up both versions side by side to illustrate. “So for example, if I bought the Nate Silver version I’d have Pennsylvania’s exit polls but not Florida’s. I’d have to find someone who bought Nate Gold and trade poll results with them to complete the electoral map. It just seemed way easier to buy both, especially since the election may not even be called on November 3rd. There’s no way I’ll be able to wait more than 24 hours for official results.”

Despite the advantage of buying both copies of the game, Rice ran into a strange glitch present in both versions: a mysterious poll that didn’t belong to any state would randomly appear and cause various technical issues.

“Oh yeah, I read about this. It’s the MissingSta glitch,” he said, unperturbed. “You need to be careful with this one because it automatically increases the electoral votes of the sixth-place candidate by 538. Pretty sure the developers wanted to include Puerto Rico, but it ended up not happening, and that’s where that comes from.” 

At press time, Rice was disappointed to discover that all his friends had instead purchased NBC’s SteveKornackMon.

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Jeffrey Toobin Announces He Failed ‘No Nut November’

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — New Yorker reporter Jeffrey Toobin announced on social media today that he failed the viral internet challenge to not ejaculate during the month of November after thinking about the presidential election occurring tonight.

“Is it my fault that the word ‘election is so close to the word ‘erection?’ God damn, just thinking about the electoral process gets me fuckin going,” Toobin said in an accidental Twitter livestream, thinking he was talking to himself. “It’s so unfair that the election happens so early during No Nut November each year. I just wanna live my damn life, but everywhere I look, I’m blasted in the face with sex. People telling me to vote, people posting thirst traps of their ‘I voted stickers,’ photos of long lines at polling locations. I mean, that’s like basically bragging about being in an orgy.”

The New Yorker was quick to suspend Toobin again, essentially double-suspending him — which they explained didn’t double the effects of the suspension, but lengthened the time a bit.

“This fuckin’ guy, man… this fuckin’ guy,” said a representative from The New Yorker. “I mean it’s one thing to jack off in a Zoom meeting at work, because you’re thinking about the election. But why would he choose to participate in No Nut November? Why not just shut it down for a bit? And then he accidentally does a livestream? I’m starting to think we’re all playing a part in this guy’s weird public election fetish or some shit. I mean Jesus Fucking Christ. He’s definitely not coming back to the office for at least two more weeks.”

At press time, speculation that Toobin had been fired from The New Yorker arose after he accidentally updated his LinkedIn job status to a screenshot of him searching “hot Nate Silver map” on PornHub.

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Guy Writing In “Waluigi” for President Doesn’t Actually Want Waluigi to Be President

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local voter Martin Frost does not actually want video game character Waluigi to be president, despite writing him in under “president” on his ballot today.

“I just think it’s funny to vote for Waluigi,” Frost explained to friends. “But do I think Waluigi would be a good president? Probably not. He and I don’t exactly share the same values — he’s greedy and vindictive — and I don’t even know what his policies are. Besides, I hate how much Trump golfs now, so I can’t even imagine how much Waluigi would play tennis, or go-kart, or party as president. Thankfully, he’s just a fictional video game character. Also I live in a deep blue state, so it’s pretty unlikely Waluigi would win — at least, according to FiveThirtyEight.”

“Plus,” Frost added, “Waluigi has never been accused of sexual assault, as far as I know.”

Despite it being incredibly unlikely that Joe Biden loses New York state, many of Frost’s friends are upset that he did not vote for Biden in the 2020 election.

“This election is just too important to mess around and not vote for Joe Biden,” said Frost’s friend Caitlyn Montgomery. “Obviously Biden will win New York, but we need to run up the score in case Trump fights it in the Supreme Court. Because I am 100% sure that, when it comes to that, SCOTUS will read the names of every single person who voted for Waluigi — and it’s going to be the deciding factor. Waluigi was created in the year 2000, and I voted for him in that presidential election. I have regretted it every single day since.”

At press time, those familiar with the situation reported that Frost had begun to regret his decision to vote for Waluigi, citing tightening polls, and wished that he had instead voted for Dry Bones.

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Group of Lifelong Friends Ruins Franchise by Adding Child Character

Posted on by Jake Menez

NEW YORK — A group of lifelong friends prepared to have their dynamic changed this week as the announcement was made that a baby would be added into any future adventures, thanks to couple Tim Andrews and Kelsey Greene. 

“We’re very excited to announce that we are expecting a son soon. This feels like the natural progression of our story,” Andrews and Greene announced in a joint statement to the other two friends in their group. “We hope everyone else gets as much enjoyment out of this new member of the family as we do. We’ve looked at a lot of names and haven’t settled on any one just yet, but there’s definitely a short list we’re eyeing that we’d like to explore more. Regardless, expect him to make his debut next year and join us in whatever we get up to going forward.”

Reactions were split, with the most positive reception coming from close friend Matt Jones, the practical one.

“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised,” Jones explained following the announcement. “I’d overheard them talking about it a couple seasons ago—back in the springtime, I mean. They said that instead of trying, they’d just see what happened. It was actually a really sweet moment. I remember the people on the street who heard them let out an ‘awww.’”

Others were less enthusiastic about the news of a child being added to the group. The group’s “zany” friend, Jim Mandell, seemed particularly annoyed by the development. 

“Why have a kid? People add kids into the mix when things are getting stale and that’s not us,” Mandell reportedly said to his friends at the diner they frequent. “Just last month, I saved that cabbie from choking and he was my butler for a week out of gratitude, remember? Or what about two Christmases ago when pop sensation Donny Osmond reminded us of the joy of giving? Classic stuff! God help that kid if he ends up developing a catchphrase.”

At press time, the group was hard at work planning a baby shower for Greene and Andrews. The hour-long special event is expected to garner a large audience and will feature a number of familiar faces from the friends’ previous adventures, including a guest appearance by Andrews’ own father.

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Horrible Goose Caught Scaring Voters Away From Early Voting Site

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

KEENE, Ky. — Several Keene residents have reported cases of voter intimidation at the small town’s early voting location, noting that the polls are being guarded by a no good, horrible goose.

“I got to the front of the line after hours of waiting and I suddenly heard a honk,” said DeAndre Holmes. “I turned around and this crazy bird just chased me all the way down the street. It’s bad enough knowing that they’re just going to throw my vote out or make up a new ID law when I get inside, but now I have to deal with this goose too? What a rotten day.”

The avian culprit was the cause of several hijinks at the voting site, such as stealing pens from every booth and scattering voter rolls across the floor. The goose was also able to cut through a loose wire with its beak, shutting down the site’s sole vote counting machine before rogue Republican poll workers could.

“I simply don’t see this goose as a menace to election security,” said Republican Senator Mitch McConnell. “If anything, it is doing a great service to our state. I’ve heard that it managed to get a hold of a local drop-off box and drag it into a nearby pond, and frankly that saved us a lot of time and kerosene.”

Despite its terror tactics, the goose’s political affiliations are unclear. Locals reported that the bird was seen chasing off members of white supremacist group the Proud Boys by flapping its great, big wings.

“I came here hoping to scare some of these dirty liberals off today,” said Proud Boys member Clayton Ashby. “But this hunk of feathers untied my shoes when I wasn’t looking and knocked me flat on my ass. My handgun went off and shot me in my foot. And then the damn thing has the nerve to grab my Oakleys off my face while I’m bleeding out? Somebody ought to do something about this domestic terrorist.”

Local authorities say they are committed to protecting the community from the menace. Keene police plan on arresting the goose in hopes that it’ll be charged with a felony, keeping it away from polling sites permanently.

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Remembering Legendary Game Designer Tom Clancy

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

The video game world has always had creative figures who loomed large and were beloved for their contributions to the medium. However, one trailblazing code master whose work continues to resonate that doesn’t get his due is legendary video game software designer Tom Clancy. 

Though he was unable to receive the prominent billing he’d later grow accustomed to, Clancy’s first game was 1991’s The Hunt for Red October, a deep sea combat game that he made for both the Nintendo Entertainment System and the Game Boy. The acclaim for that game led Clancy to gain prominence as a visionary young voice in game design, who then founded his own studio, Tom Clancy Video Game Studio. The game reportedly so moved Sean Connery that he financed a cinematic adaptation of the game.

TCVGS’ first blockbuster release was 1999’s Rainbow Six. Its combination of tactics, shooting, and plot focusing on a counter-terrorism unit of soldiers felt like they were ripped right out of a spy novel, and the game proved to be a wild success, spawning a franchise that continues to this day. 

In addition to the wildly popular Rainbow Six franchise, Clancy designed several other smash hit series, including Ghost Recon, Splinter Cell, and The Division, each of which enjoy their own franchise and dedicated fanbases. Until Player Unknown’s identity is revealed, Tom Clancy’s name is the most important one when discussing shooters in the 21st century.

Though Clancy tragically passed away in 2013, the treasure trove of notes and ideas he left behind ensure that his philosophies and ideas concerning video game design will continue to be made available to gamers for the foreseeable future. So far several posthumous games have been able to be assembled in this manner, most recently 2019’s Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Breakpoint.

Though not typically mentioned in the same breaths as the other heavyweights of the medium, Tom Clancy’s influential body of work and commitment to excellence across over 40 releases deserves to cement his name alongside the truly immortal game designers, next to names like Shigeryu Moyamato, Sid Maier, and John Madden.

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Child Who Received Mostly Rare Candies for Halloween Now 36 Years Old

Posted on by Joe Tilleli

FAIRFIELD, Conn. — Kenny Coleman, local pokemon fan and former adolescent, has reportedly received a number of rare candies in his halloween basket, leveling him up to 36 years of age upon consumption.

“I don’t know how I could have let this happen,” said the newly aged child’s mother, Barbara Coleman. “I searched through all the candy he collected for any kind of tampering like needles or razor blades. I’ve read the horror stories, but no one ever warned me that my son could suddenly grow up past his teenage years and twenties from eating a handful of sugary treats.”

Kenny Coleman has now had a couple days to adjust to his pudgy mid-thirties body and has shared his first thoughts following this change.

“Other than being much taller and hairier, I don’t really feel all that different,” said Kenney. “The biggest change I noticed is an immediate disgust I feel looking at the designs of any pokemon that came out after the original 151. I used to just find the games fun, but suddenly I have an opinion on Game Freak reusing animations in Sword and Shield.”

“They made us watch a puberty video in school called Just Around the Corner,” Kenney added. “I guess I thought I had more time.”

This significant life change has caused a bit of strife within the Coleman household as the whole family is getting used to the new Kenny.

“I had been EV training Kenny since he was born,” said a disappointed Ralph Coleman, Kenny’s father. “Having him pick fights with the neighbor’s kids, boosting his speed and defense—I was trying to set him up for a real strong adulthood and now all of that has gone to waste.” 

At press time, Kenny’s father kicked his son out of the house and told him to get a job which he would have done when he reached 10 anyway.

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