358/2 Reasons You Should Play the ‘Kingdom Hearts’ Series

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

Disney and Square Enix’s whimsical JRPG phenomenon, Kingdom Hearts, may be daunting to newcomers despite its longtime popularity. Each installment of the series adds countless new details to the games’ intricate, ongoing plot, making it harder to understand the story so far or jump in mid-stream as time goes on. Although it’s challenging to get started, following along with the adventure of Sora, Donald, and Goofy is well worth the effort. If you’re not fully convinced, we’ve put together this handy list of 358/2 reasons you should finally dig into the Kingdom Hearts series!

Reason 1: So Many Fun Characters!

You’ve probably heard all about the Disney characters featured in Kingdom Hearts like Mickey Mouse, Donald, and Goofy, but did you know that there are also Final Fantasy characters featured in the game as well? That’s right!

Reason 1.5 Final Mix HD+: The Story Isn’t That Hard to Follow!

You may be disoriented trying to figure out what order to play the Kingdom Hearts games in. The fact that each major chapter of the series has been re-released several times doesn’t help matters, either. Luckily, the story is extremely straightforward: boy meets girl, boy meets rival boy, rival boy makes pact with shadowy wizard, boy goes on trans-dimensional adventure to save girl’s heart along with talking duck and dog. Tale as old as time!

2.8 Final Reason Prologue: Plenty of Box Sets to Help You Catch Up!

Still overwhelmed by the plot of Kingdom Hearts despite my extremely clear synopsis? Fret not! Because of the huge gaps of time between each major release in the series, Kingdom Hearts games have been released in at least twenty different compilations and box sets that you can find in the bargain bin of any GameStop. Just fish your hand in there and pick one at random and you’re bound to have at least a few hours of fun!

(Unchained / Unreason χ [Chi]): The Unique Sense of Style!

From characters dressed head-to-toe in belts and buckles to bizarre punctuation only seen in Bon Iver albums, Kingdom Hearts is one of the most stylish game series around. Once you really get a handle on the series and incorporate it into your personality, your friends will all find you a thousand times cooler than before. Just make sure you learn how some of these titles are supposed to be pronounced so you don’t seem like a poser.

Reason III: Uhh

Alright, this just reminded me of Kingdom Hearts III which actually wasn’t that great.

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Wrong Game Show Host Dies

Posted on by Aaron Weerasinghe

LOS ANGELES — A heartbroken nation looked on with remorse this afternoon as reports tragically confirmed that the wrong game show host had died early this morning.

Following an outpouring of support after a diagnosis of stage 4 pancreatic cancer, the beloved game show host shared regular updates and continued working up until very recently before passing peacefully this morning, surrounded by friends. Sources say this is the exact opposite thing that many Americans were hoping would happen.

“I felt so upset once I learned the game show host that I love was gone,” said Tyler Reese, a longtime fan of the game show hosted by the dearly adored public figure. “I was hoping to wake up to news that the other game show host that I hate died violently surrounded by nobody, which is pretty much the exact opposite of what happened. This sucks. 

“And to make matters worse,” Reese added, “it’s also the host of the best TV show in history instead of the host of the worst TV show in history. Talk about bad luck.”

At press time, the nation was reportedly holding out hope for a Double Jeopardy.

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Donald Trump Decides to Buy PS5 After All

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — After initially claiming he was going to hold out until more exclusive next-gen titles became available, President Donald Trump has reversed his claim and decided to buy a PlayStation 5 after all, sources have confirmed.

“A truly surprising turn of events over these last few days,” said Kerri Holland, a Washington reporter who’s covered Trump’s entire term. “Trump has been railing against pre-ordering the systems for months and now suddenly in these last few days it seems something has shaken him to his foundational core. One day he was insisting that anyone that bought one of these new consoles was a phony gamer, and the next he’s posting these long Twitter threads about the DualSense controller. Truly remarkable times to be a games journalist.” 

Contradicting many earlier statements he’d made, the President called into Fox & Friends this morning to address the public about how he’d be sending his forthcoming recreational time.  

“We’re gonna do it,” President Trump said on the Fox News morning program, referencing his upcoming purchase of the standard model of the PS5. “We’re going to get an extra controller and we’re going to do the Astro Man, and the Spider-Man game. I play a lot of golf, as you know, and these guys I play with, they don’t always want to go! I say, ‘Hey, I’m ready to golf, it’s golf!’ and they’re not ready to go! I’m ready, they’re not. I get on the PlayStation, I can find someone on there. It’s real good, really, really good. PS5.” 

The bizarre phone interview began an otherwise uncharacteristically quiet day for the president, who refrained from any other communications today, aside from a tweet that read “THE PRE-ORDERS WERE HANDLED POORLY! BAD THINGS HAPPENED!”  

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Editorial: If You Think About It, All This Is Like Video Games, Really

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

There are a lot of crazy things going on in the world these days. Biden has defeated Trump in the 2020 presidential election, there’s a worldwide pandemic, climate change is destroying our planet, income inequality is at an all time high in the United States, and much more. But at the end of the day, it’s important to just take a step back, and remember that all of this, if you think about it, is kind of like video games. 

And that’s where Hard Drive comes in.

When the world needs to understand the complex issues of society, we’re here to remind you that it’s actually quite a bit like video games. Voting in a two-party system? That’s exactly like participating in the console war. And what about bipartisanship? Well that’s the same thing as Mario and Sonic agreeing to do the Olympics together. An international pandemic? Easy — that’s just like how when people spread all those spoilers about how Snape [redacted] Dumbledore in 2005. Climate change is underwater levels. Income inequality is loot boxes, maybe. That one might need a little work. Luckily, working on and improving your analogies is just like RPGs.

But isn’t this all a little glib?

Well, no. It’s… it’s actually not at all. What? Come on. Just cut it out. It’s not glib at all, it’s just — we’re not comparing the news to video games. We’re not filtering every single one of our life experiences through the language of nerd culture. The news is like video games lately, you have to admit. It’s just an objective truth that if you, like, stand back and take in everything that’s happening — like really looking at it as a whole* —  you begin to think, “Oh hey, all of this is just video games. Oh I know this, it’s video games. All of this is video games, really.”

At the end of the day, it’s vitally important to note that Hard Drive is an important news publication. We’re out here reporting the news the way that we see it: through video games. Remember that scene in 30 Rock where we see things through Kenneth’s eyes and suddenly everyone’s a Muppet? You’ve all seen 30 Rock, yes? Anyway that’s how we see the world. Except instead of Kenneth, we’re Hard Drive, and instead of people, we see news, and instead of puppets, we see gaming. No need to thank us. We’re just doing our job.

*like when you pull out your map in an open world video game to see where your objective is.

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Republicans Try to Decipher “Haha Just Chillin” After QAnon Accidentally Posts on Wrong Account

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Republicans nationwide are struggling to decipher a cryptic message from Q, the anonymous leader of conspiracy theory QAnon, after they accidentally posted “haha just chillin” on 8chan, a message clearly intended for a different account.

“Where we go one, we go all. Any true QAnon supporter will understand this message,” explained popular Twitter user @WhiteHatSupreme57. “The ‘haha’ portion is an obvious acronym, which stands for ‘Hebephilia Acceptance, Hebephilia Abandon.’ This is a reference to the pedophile cabal who runs our country, better known as the Democrats. What was once hebephilia [an attraction to young people] acceptance, will become hebephilia abandon, due to Trump cracking down on them. This, as we all know, is just — short for ‘justice’ — hence the second word of Q’s message. Soros and his pedophile friends use dry ice to hide their operations from the public — something they famously communicated to supporters through their state-run Scooby Doo cartoons. Dry ice… ice… chilling… chillin. ‘Haha just chillin’ means that Trump will bring justice to chillers, ending acceptance of hebephilia.”

Other QAnon members had different theories as to what the phrase could mean, however.

“WhiteHatSupreme57 is a fucking moron,” said alt-right commentator Mike Cernovich. “Chillin is, of course, a reference to the professional Super Smash Bros. Melee player Chillindude829. This is a sly reference from Q to the first ever Fox main, because he’s explaining to us that Trump will soon take over Fox News. When he says ‘just,’ he is of course referencing the city of Justiniškės, Lithuania (formerly of the Soviet Union), where there is key information about Hunter Biden and his dealings with Ukraine. The ‘haha’ at the beginning is indicating that Q thinks this information is funny.”

At press time, QAnon supporters were despairing after the anonymous account posted a second cryptic message, this time saying “ok ttyl.”

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Loving Couple Looking to Adopt New TV Show

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ANCHORAGE, Ala. — Local couple Alice and Mark Holland are reportedly looking to adopt a new television, bringing it into a home filled with love, according to those familiar with the situation.

“We’ve fostered a lot of television shows over the years, but we’re ready to help another show find its forever home with us,” Alice Holland explained. “We believe our home would be a truly loving and supportive environment for a fandom to grow and develop, and we’re excited to embark on that chapter of our lives together — bringing a new show into our home.”

Those close to the Hollands agree that they would be a great couple to take on a new television show.

“I saw the way they loved and cared for Succession, Better Call Saul, and even The Vow — which was a very difficult TV show, no offense,” said a friend of the Hollands, Chrissy Brown. “They’ve been really preparing and I think they’re ready to adopt a show for the long haul. Maybe something like The Sopranos or The Wire. I think everyone is just hanging around a lot in quarantine, and it’s making them realize how empty their home is without a new show.”

Despite the enthusiasm, relationship expert Dr. Maria Pinto says that many couples adopt a television show before they’re ready, stressing that couples should make sure they really know what they want before doing anything.

“It’s a very sad thing. Many couples will adopt a new show and they will love it for a time. They’ll talk about it to friends, post about it on social media, and read all of the right literature online about the show. But time and time again, they eventually abandon that show, leaving it up for adoption once again,” Dr. Pinto explained. “I’ve seen countless couples take on more challenging shows like Deadwood, and give up on it after just a few episodes. Deadwood is a brilliant little show that deserves a family that loves it.”

At press time, Mark Holland revealed that they really just wanted to watch something new because they were so sick of watching those “stupid fucking kids shows” their 3-year-old daughter forces them to suffer through each day.

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Six-Hour Operation Finally Separates Headphone Cord From Wheel of Office Chair

Posted on by Hunter R. Thompson

CAYCE, S.C. — After over six hours of tense surgery, an emergency procedure has finally separated local gamer Andrae Webb’s headset cord from the wheel casters of his office chair.

“I first noticed something was wrong when I scooted out to refuel and my chair hitched, like it was caught on something,” Webb, who performed the operation on-site in his home office, later recalled. “There was a brief moment of ‘what?’ and then I immediately knew I’d spend the rest of my Saturday rolling around on the carpet with a screwdriver.”

An already-lengthy procedure was complicated by low morale and a rush to find critical supplies, according to witnesses who oversaw the field operation.

“I came over with the 9 and 1 already dialed into my phone, because he was groaning and screaming like he was passing a stone or something,” said younger brother Dennis Webb, who acted as an impromptu surgical tech. “Instead, he sent me running for WD-40, tweezers, the flashlight, the headlamp, the chair assembly booklet, and that weird tiny screwdriver designed to disassemble and reassemble the chair and literally nothing else.”

The operation included some experimental techniques, such as blasting the wheel well with compressed air, biting and yanking the headset cord, removing the wheel completely, and raveling and unraveling the cord in both directions.

“I figured after three hours of this he’d have been okay with just cutting the cord in half and buying a new headset,” Dennis Webb said, “but he said it was a $80 pair and he’d ‘sooner saw the chair in half’ than replace it. I don’t get it. He bought them four years ago and constantly tells me how shitty they are.”

After the cord and office chair were finally separated, none were more surprised by Webb’s success than Webb himself.

“Honestly,” Webb recalled, “I’m not sure what did it. I sort of lapsed into a fugue state by hour five. I swear to God I just looked down at some point and the cord had popped out. I probably did something I’d done fifty times and didn’t even notice. What the hell ever.”

Since the surgery, sources close to Webb report that he is now three hours into an operation to reattach the foam earphone caps to his headset.

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Sony Announces Foldable ‘New York Style’ PlayStation 5

Posted on by Zoe Grobman

NEW YORK — Sony announced today in a press conference that they will be releasing a limited-edition foldable version of the upcoming PlayStation 5 platform designed specifically for residents of New York City.

“We know that in the hustle and bustle of life in the Big Apple, you need delicious, slightly-greasy content that you can fold and use on the go,” PlayStation CEO Jim Ryan explained. “That’s why we’re excited to be partnering with Famous Famiglia to bring you the perfect gaming experience. With, for example, Spider-Man on the PlayStation 4, we really made players feel like Spider-Man. Well if you’re playing Spider-Man: Miles Morales on the foldable PlayStation 5, you can really feel like a New Yorker. A New Yorker who’s also Spider-Man.”

The console, which folds at a 290-degree angle and comes with a stack of 100 disposable paper plates, is not playable without being plugged in, but this fact is not deterring life-long New Yorkers.

“Yeah, ya know, it don’t mattah to me if it gotta be plugged in. I can just use the outlets at da station while I wait an hour for da friggin MTA to show up. Go Mets!” shouted Antony Paglione, a 26-year-old construction worker from Bensonhurst. “Da only thing that really bothuhs me about it is dat Famiglia pizza fuggin sucks. I mean if they think dis is gonna make me eat there, den they can fuggetaboutit!”

Despite the positive reaction from New Yorkers, however, the news of the foldable PlayStation 5 was met with a unanimously negative reception from residents of Chicago, who felt Sony to be making an intentional snub against their city.

“I’ve been a fan of the PlayStation and a Chicagoan all my life, and this is really making me consider buying the Xbox Series X instead,” said 34-year-old Joshua Levin, who actually lives in Skokie. “If they’re gonna make a foldable PlayStation for those losers up in New York, the least they can do is make one for Chicago as well.”

“And I mean a nice thin tavern-style PlayStation,” he added, “not the deep-dish garbage the tourists think we’re into.”

At press time, Sony hinted that they would also be making a pizza-themed edition of the PlayStation 5, directed at St. Louis, that’s covered in Provel and “just absolute fucking dogshit.”

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Gamer Tip: Your Vote Is Wasted If It’s Not Concentrated on a Blinking Weak Spot

Posted on by Andy Holt

PENNSYLVANIA — Gamer consultants have advised the Trump and Biden campaigns that it’s pointless to spam votes in low-effect areas like California and Kentucky, when just a few well-placed votes in blinking weak spots like Pennsylvania will do the trick.

“I told them, if you channel votes into Massachusetts or whatever, you might as well be spraying at a wall,” said expert gamer and political consultant Celia Needham. “Bide your time, wait until Pennsylvania starts blinking yellow, then vote like hell. You’ll get that W in no time.”

In addition to focusing on a few spots that decide life or death for the entire nation, Needham also recommended passive buffs to really make it count.

“Buffs are where things really get interesting. If you want to focus on the Midwest, for instance, you can multiply your votes by adding a policy bonus, like investment in manufacturing or public benefits like health care and free public college. None of the campaigns are really interested in that stuff, though,” said Needham. “Fucking casuals.”

In the world of video games, many players find weak spots to be annoying, especially when they seem to be completely arbitrary.

“Sometimes you’ll be in a boss fight with some big humanoid enemy, and you waste like 30 really high-damage shots on their head, because that’s what makes sense. But then you find out their weak spot is, like, the back of their knee or some shit. It’s just totally unrealistic,” said frustrated gamer and voter Darnell Frey. “Could you imagine if stuff worked like that in real life? It’d be so dumb.”

When reached for comment, spokespeople for the Biden campaign claimed they definitely saw Florida and Texas blinking, but that it must have been a glitch or something.

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Ryan Reynolds Swears He Has No Memory of Holding Up Novelty T-Shirt in Facebook Ad

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LOS ANGELES — Actor Ryan Renolds was reportedly worried about his mental health when he came across a photo of him on social media holding up a kitschy t-shirt featuring the Pokemon Pikachu humping Deadpool’s leg.

“I am very choosy about the products I promote and I have no recollection of pushing this t-shirt,” Reynolds said during a joint presser for his gin and mobile service. “I got so worried that I went to the doctor and had a cognitive function test and an MRI done. Everything came back fine, but when the hell did I pose for this picture and why didn’t anyone tell me my hands look so pale and wrinkled?”

Wendell Fletcher, owner and designer of Deez Teez, swears that Renolds posed for the promotional photo.

“We had a gentleman’s agreement,” Fletcher said while screen printing a drawing of Baby Yoda smoking a blunt. “I ran up to him at the premier for 6 Underground and showed him the shirt. He literally said, ‘This is the funniest shirt I have ever seen and I would be happy to pose for a photo with me holding it up for you to use for advertising in perpetuity in whatever medium you see fit without compensation.’ Those were his exact words.”

Marketing expert Gretchen Porter has noticed this trend of forgetful celebrities selling stolen intellectual property. 

“From Patrick Stewart to Hajime Isayama, celebrities seem to be entering fugue states when asked to pose for a photo with novelty t-shirts,” Porter said. “But we have the photographic evidence right there so there is very little, legally, that they can do. Maybe Mr. Reynolds should lead a less extravagant lifestyle so he doesn’t have to hock these knockoff products. Emilia Clarke claims to have never posed with a pornographic ‘Winter Is Cumming’ shirt but she’s just playing coy.”

Reynolds, however, distinctly remembers agreeing to promote the to-scale Deadpool body pillow and stands by that decision.

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