LEGO Customer Service Rep Knows This Call Not About “Son’s” Toy

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

ANAHEIM, Calif. — LEGO customer service representative Janice Kirkland was well aware that caller and middle-aged man Mike Doherty was not asking for help with his “son’s” broken toy during a recent phone call, despite Doherty’s insistence to the contrary.

“My LEGO Mario figure was defective so I called for help. Don’t get me wrong, they were really helpful and accommodating, but I swear it felt like they were throwing air quotes up when they said ‘let’s get your son’s toy fixed.’ Don’t ask how, I could just tell,” said Doherty. “Let’s not mince words, I’m a 37-year-old man that purchased, assembled, and played with a LEGO set intended for ages 6 and up. Can’t you just let me have some of my dignity, please?”

LEGO rep Janice Kirkland later explained that calls like the one with Doherty were very common occurrences.

“This happens all the time. Back when I was first hired as a rep, I unwittingly made the mistake of asking a customer what their child’s name was. The guy panicked, started crying and then hung up,” said Kirkland. “We had to have a whole meeting about how to handle this stuff moving forward. Because the fact is, shaming the adult men that make up our customer base is a surefire way to send someone running into the Playmobil aisle.”

Girlfriend Melissa Pepe elaborated on Doherty’s “charade.”

“We usually spend 20 minutes in the Target parking lot where he coaches me on how to convincingly say, ‘Do you think Julien, who is our son, would enjoy this LEGO Minecraft Zombie Cave?’” said Pepe. “Early on in our relationship I sort of teased him in front of the cashier about his ‘little blocks’ and he wigged out, saying ‘Very funny, lady who I just met, but I don’t even know you’ before running out to the car and hiding under a bunch of coats in the backseat.”

At press time, Doherty was considering pretending to be a child on future calls with LEGO, using methods including voice modulators and disguises such as a little pinwheel cap.

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Amidst DMCA Controversy, Professional Mime Becomes Top Twitch Streamer

Posted on by Christoph von Münchow

PARIS — Amidst thousands of DMCA takedown strikes against content creators on Twitch this month, a new streamer has risen up and become the most-followed channel on the live streaming website — professional mime named MonsieurBonbon.

“What happened to the content creators on our platform last month is truly awful, and could have been prevented,” published Twitch in an official blog post earlier today. “That said, we are extremely excited about the rise of MonsieurBonbon, whose content coincidently does not infringe upon DMCA copyright law. Without the DMCA problem, the world would very likely never know about Mr. B, and everyone here at Twitch agrees that it was probably all worth it just for him.”

Twitch CEO and founder Emmett Shear confirmed that more proactive measures should have been taken to avoid the series of unprecedented takedown notices and strikes.

“We should have developed sophisticated, user-friendly tools for our streamers and worked alongside our content creators to help them properly defend against these takedown strikes, but we didn’t,” Shear admitted. “However, it’s still nice to see creators like Mr. Bonbon thriving amidst such an avoidable disaster. Seriously. Have you seen his invisible box act? There’s no threat of copyright violation anywhere, it’s awesome.”

Long-time Twitch streamer HungryGregLive commented on how the platform took down over half of his 200 clips and VOD after a DMCA notice, without even offering a second notice. 

“It’s devastating. Those clips were the highest viewed content on my channel too. I didn’t even have the option to remove the copyrighted audio.” HungryGreg revealed. “Luckily, MonsieurBonbon’s streams are getting me through this. When he pies himself in the face, I lose my shit. I almost forget that I’ve been financially deplatformed without a chance to defend myself.”

When asked to comment on his newfound success in the middle of a preventable controversy, Monsieur Bonbon signed “poggers” in ACL.

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CDC Warns of Contagious Brain Parasite That Convinces People Buying a Gaming Chair Is a Good Idea

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

ATLANTA — Warning that the spread of the new threat would only add further strain to the ongoing global health crisis, virologists at the CDC warned yesterday of an alarming new threat to the American public in the form of a contagious brain parasite which convinces people that spending their hard-earned money on a gaming chair is actually a good idea.

“We are learning more about this new threat every day, but so far we can confirm that the primary symptom caused by the parasite is the sudden impulse to purchase one of those huge upholstered gaming chairs,” said Dr. Claire Harrington in prepared remarks to the press. “This is not unlike the way that some parasitic worms control the brains of their host, and the effects are just as deadly to the aesthetic of your living space.”

Dr. Harrington noted that while the CDC is still studying the different ways the parasite could spread, the highest risk of transmission comes from face-to-face transmission between an infected person who already owns a gamer chair and an uninfected person who has really been thinking about one lately.

“Luckily, the parasite does not seem to travel through the air. What’s even more troubling is the possibility that it naturally occurs in the human body after seeing or talking to someone about a gaming chair. The likelihood of infection can also be doubled once an uninfected person hears how easy the chairs are to put together and how comfortable they are for late night gaming sessions.”

Gamers across the country say that they are fearful of exposure to this new threat.

“I’m at much higher risk of deciding to buy a gamer chair due to my pre-existing condition of having a cheap desk chair from AmazonBasics,” said gamer Tyler Boone, logging onto Twitter to mute the words “gaming chair” in an effort to reduce his exposure to the virus. “I want to reach out to my friends to see if they’re okay, but there’s always the risk that they’ve just bought a gaming chair that they can’t wait to tell me about. You just can’t be too careful right now.”

At press time, the CDC had updated its guidance to warn gamers against gathering in large Discord servers until sales of gaming chairs dropped back down below acceptable levels.

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GameStop Offers $7.25 Trade-In Credit for Hour of Employee’s Life

Posted on by Saad Khan

GRAPEVINE, Texas — After careful consideration of its market value, a local GameStop location offered recently hired employee Rob Lindsey $7.25 trade-in credit in exchange for an hour of his finite life.

“At first it didn’t seem like such a bad deal,” said Lindsey, who was interviewed during a lunch break for which he ultimately would not receive any trade-in credit. “But the more I thought about it, the more messed up it seemed. I traded in a copy of Pokémon Sword a while ago, and they definitely gave me more than $7.25 for it. And come to think of it, they’re actually selling it for way more than that now. I can’t even buy it back with the piece of my life that I traded in.”

“That’s just how it is, though,” added Lindsey, while consuming a sandwich that cost him the majority of his trade-in credit earned so far. “They give you a small cut then turn around and use what you gave them to make millions.”

GameStop CEO George Sherman said the trade-in credit paid to Lindsey was completely fair and in line with company policy.

“We take great care to consider all market forces when pricing our employees’ all-too-finite lifespan,” he said, lounging on the deck of a newly-purchased yacht. “The condition of the life in question also plays a role, and we tend to avoid older ones due to increased costs. However, we understand the market value of our employees, and we do a thorough analysis before offering the minimum amount that we can legally offer.”

At press time, sources reported that GameStop had further reduced Lindsey’s trade-in credit by reclassifying him as an independent contractor.

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FedEx Driver Takes Xbox Series X on One Last Tour of City Before It Gets Locked Up in Your House Forever

Posted on by Andy Holt

LOS ANGELES — Your scheduled delivery time was delayed this afternoon when FedEx driver Shannon Hunter took your Xbox Series X on a final whirl around the city, taking in the sights and sounds before it served the rest of its life locked up in your TV stand.

“I was about to drop it off during the listed 2 to 5 p.m. delivery window, but then I got to thinking about the little guy. He’s gonna spend the rest of his life in a dark cage, working for nothing, for some stranger he can’t even see,” said Hunter, who drove within a mile of your house twice this morning. “I thought he might want to see the Pacific one last time.”

Hunter defended her actions, saying that while delivering packages was her job, sometimes you needed to show a little humanity in life.

“Look, I’m not in denial. I know this guy deserves what’s coming to him. 12 teraflops? AMD Zen 2, RDNA 2, 1TB SSD, and ray tracing? I’d lock him up, too, under a nice big OLED screen,” said Hunter, just out of earshot from your Xbox Series X, which was taking in one final sunset on a cliff in Malibu. “I just hope they give him some air flow every now and then.”

The driver and your Xbox were last seen closing out the night at a diner, saying maybe they book it out of town under the cover of night, wake up in the morning somewhere different, start this whole life over again just like that.

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Reddit User Reports Vile, Horrifying Image for Being a Repost

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Physically recoiling at the offensive post currently visible on his screen, longtime Reddit user Derek Lefferts flagged and reported a vile, horrifying image on the subreddit r/TIHI for being a repost.

“This is absolutely disgusting and should be taken down immediately,” said Lefferts, excoriating the original poster for violating the standards of the Reddit community with their insensitive action. “Never in all of my years on this website has someone done something as awful as this. You should honestly delete your account, I’m sure the FBI will be on their way to detain you soon.”

Commenters commended Lefferts for his vigilance in reporting the post by exchanging their favorite punchlines from comedy movies, sharing links to right-wing misinformation, and typing out the lyrics to several Top 40 songs in a series of comment replies.

Lefferts says that, although Reddit is misunderstood and can be intimidating to new users, that the community often bands together to stop atrocities such as reposts from occurring.

“The way I see it, Reddit is like a miniature society. And just like a real society, it’s our job as Redditors to follow a strict set of mostly meaningless rules and silly pleasantries while totally ignoring horrific things that fall slightly out of the jurisdiction of those rules. I can’t make the world a better place, but I can make the internet feel more like the real world by making people interact with pedantic busybodies like me. Oh hey, it’s my cake day! Huzzah!”

At press time, Lefferts was entering his credit card information to reward another user with Reddit Gold for a stolen joke that made him laugh.

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Horrified Mario Regrets Triple Jumping Into H.R. Giger Painting

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

METRO KINGDOM — Local adventurer Mario Mario is allegedly trapped inside an unsettling painting by modern artist H.R. Giger after having jumped 12-feet into the air from a standing position and passing through it like a magic portal.

“I was working the Sunday afternoon shift when I saw this short, mustachioed fella practicing parkour in the contemporary art wing,” said museum security guard Rory Ferguson. “I told him to leave but he yelled ‘so long, rent-a-cop’ and then backflipped to the second floor. I thought I finally cornered him, but then he flipped right into that creepy as all get out H.R. Giger painting. No one has seen him since.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Mario’s brother Luigi Mario was called in to help locate his brother.

“Naturally the museum a-contacted me, as I’m the one who a-handles spooky shit. And of course, I rescued Mario when a-King Boo trapped him inside an a-painting before,” said Luigi. “I had a device on loan from-a Professor E. Gadd that allowed Mario and I to-a communicate. He told me about how there was-a someone, or-a something, in the painting with him that sort of resembled a toad. But when Mario a-pproached it, a penis a-monster exploded from its stomach and scurried off. And not the-a cum kind of exploded.”

While Mario reportedly tried to remain in good spirits, it was clear he deeply regretted entering the painting.

“Mama-mia. It’s just-a all so phallic. There’s-a no blue coins, there’s a-not even any warp pipes. I thought I-a saw a mushroom, but it was-a just the tip of another a-dick. It’s just-a all cold, gray, sinuous dicks-a. Dicks-a everywhere,” whimpered Mario. “Please-a, tell the princess not-a to wait for me. Bowser, he can-a provide her with-a good life. Go to him-a, princess.”

At press time, several yoshis had been sent in to rescue Mario, but many have unfortunately merged with the drooling, endoparasitoid monsters found inside the painting after eating some xenomorph eggs.

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Review: ‘Assassin’s Creed Valhalla’ Brilliantly Uses Viking Lore to Tell a Story of Fatherh—OK I’m Realizing Now I’m Playing ‘God of War’

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Assassin’s Creed Valhalla, Ubisoft’s brilliant new adventure in gaming that lets you take on the life of a powerful viking, traveling through Norse mythology all while fathering your young son, is a brilliantly relatable story and perhaps their best work ever. After just a few moments, I found myself entirely absorbed by the sharp gameplay, linear action scenes, and legitimately affecting storylines. 

These are all my true feelings of a masterpiece video game that I did not realize until just now is actually 2018’s God of War.

So what’s the deal with the game I was actually trying to review? Assassin’s Creed Valhalla is “set in 873 AD [and] the game recounts a fictional story of the Viking invasion of Britain,” at least according to Wikipedia. I actually don’t really know anything else beyond that.

In fact, I was pretty impressed I was even able to get a review copy of the game in the first place. I’m not really a big time reviewer or anything. Most of my reviews of video games are relegated to Facebook posts, where they can get upwards of four likes and one laugh-react. 

When I walked into GameStop saying I’d like to buy this review copy of Assassin’s Creed Valhalla, I was admittedly surprised by the weird look the cashier gave me. I was also surprised they had the game available for sale at the store in the first place and that I was able to purchase it without showing any proof that I was a real reviewer. I just figured they were able to tell based on my look.

Obviously, now I realize that I was holding a copy of God of War.

To be completely honest with you, I’m not even sure why I’m publishing this at all. For whatever reason, this video game publication, Hard Drive, seems content with just passing along whatever I send them without actually reading it. The standards at this publication are shockingly low, and I say that as someone who was too dumb to realize until 15 hours into a video game that it wasn’t even the right genre.

Anyway, I guess I give Assassin’s Creed Valhalla an 8/10. I’m not really sure why, but from the trailers and two other reviews that I skimmed, it looks perfectly serviceable. But you know, not amazing or anything.

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Twitter User Cancels 20 Others Before Turning the Cancel on Himself

Posted on by Ed Smith

LOS ANGELES — Local Twitter user Frederick Peterson, better known by his handle @freddiepeteyboy682, went on a tragic cancel spree early this morning, before turning the cancel on himself. 

Horrified witnesses who saw the thread said that Peterson posted hundreds of screenshots of various other Twitter users, attacking them for old tweets, creepy DMs, deleted photos, and more. Afterwards, Peterson started a new thread chronicling his own history of racism and abuse, before finally posting a half-apology in Notes app and shuttering his account.

“It was a bloodbath. I’m just happy I got out of there alive,” said Marissa Hubert, who reportedly once dressed as a Native American at Coachella. “Hiding behind a locked account and watching the mayhem, it’s a sight I don’t think I’ll ever get out of my head. ‘This you?’s piling up by the dozens. I’ll be in therapy for years.”

According to social media safety expert Dr. Kristof Morgan, these cancellation sprees are becoming more and more frequent. Unfortunately, however, the CDC has been barred from studying the effects and causes of them.

“The discourse is just too toxic,” Dr. Morgan explained. “This is a highly political issue, with both sides of the aisle loyal to powerful lobbying groups, such as the National Retweet Association. On one side, you have people saying that cancellations should never happen no matter what, and on the other side, you have people saying that only a good canceler can stop a bad cancel. What people don’t even mention is that a third of all cancelations are self-owns.”

“I hope that we can one day solve this issue,” he added, “but we can’t even discuss it without people getting heated.”

At press time, sources close to Peterson revealed that he was feeling remarkably well rested after shutting down his social media accounts.

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358/2 Reasons You Should Play the ‘Kingdom Hearts’ Series

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

Disney and Square Enix’s whimsical JRPG phenomenon, Kingdom Hearts, may be daunting to newcomers despite its longtime popularity. Each installment of the series adds countless new details to the games’ intricate, ongoing plot, making it harder to understand the story so far or jump in mid-stream as time goes on. Although it’s challenging to get started, following along with the adventure of Sora, Donald, and Goofy is well worth the effort. If you’re not fully convinced, we’ve put together this handy list of 358/2 reasons you should finally dig into the Kingdom Hearts series!

Reason 1: So Many Fun Characters!

You’ve probably heard all about the Disney characters featured in Kingdom Hearts like Mickey Mouse, Donald, and Goofy, but did you know that there are also Final Fantasy characters featured in the game as well? That’s right!

Reason 1.5 Final Mix HD+: The Story Isn’t That Hard to Follow!

You may be disoriented trying to figure out what order to play the Kingdom Hearts games in. The fact that each major chapter of the series has been re-released several times doesn’t help matters, either. Luckily, the story is extremely straightforward: boy meets girl, boy meets rival boy, rival boy makes pact with shadowy wizard, boy goes on trans-dimensional adventure to save girl’s heart along with talking duck and dog. Tale as old as time!

2.8 Final Reason Prologue: Plenty of Box Sets to Help You Catch Up!

Still overwhelmed by the plot of Kingdom Hearts despite my extremely clear synopsis? Fret not! Because of the huge gaps of time between each major release in the series, Kingdom Hearts games have been released in at least twenty different compilations and box sets that you can find in the bargain bin of any GameStop. Just fish your hand in there and pick one at random and you’re bound to have at least a few hours of fun!

(Unchained / Unreason χ [Chi]): The Unique Sense of Style!

From characters dressed head-to-toe in belts and buckles to bizarre punctuation only seen in Bon Iver albums, Kingdom Hearts is one of the most stylish game series around. Once you really get a handle on the series and incorporate it into your personality, your friends will all find you a thousand times cooler than before. Just make sure you learn how some of these titles are supposed to be pronounced so you don’t seem like a poser.

Reason III: Uhh

Alright, this just reminded me of Kingdom Hearts III which actually wasn’t that great.

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