Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Is Civilization VI Better Than Civilization V? The Numbers in the Titles Say Yes

Posted on June 30, 2021 by Joey Harris

When diving into video game series with a long history of titles, it can be hard to figure out which is the best one to purchase. Sid Meier’s Civilization series is no different. Starting in 1991, it can be incredibly daunting to figure out which games are better than the others. For example, is Civilization VI better than Civilization V? We’re here to finally grant you that answer: Yes, because the number in the title is one higher.

One really cool thing about video games is that, with each new addition to a franchise, the game gets better. With each new franchise release, developers are able to use new technology to make graphics sharper, make gameplay tighter, remove or add features that make the game stronger, and all around improve every aspect of the game. That’s why it’s so helpful that games put the number in the title, because it helps you decide which to pick: whichever one has the highest number.

Thankfully, this system doesn’t just apply to video games, but also to virtually anything that is released in a series. When The Godfather came out, it was universally praised as one of the greatest movies ever made. That is until The Godfather Part 2 came out. In an instant, Part 2 became the “good Godfather” movie that fans rallied around, praising it for it’s advancement of the story and graphical abilities. That is, of course, until The Godfather Part 3 was released, effectively destroying any reason to ever watch Part 1 or Part 2. Now if you want to watch a Godfather movie, fans of the series will simply tell you to watch Part 3 and skip the redundant ones.

From video games to books to movies to television to children birthed by a set of parents, you’re always safe to assume the most recent release is the good one.

Keep in mind, I haven’t personally played any Civilization games. The two video games I play are Call of Duty and FIFA, and I always make sure to update to the latest and greatest when it comes out. That’s why, if I ever needed to pick between Civ VI and Civ V, I’d go with VI: it’s the higher number. And if they ever release a Civilization VII, then I’d throw my copy of VI in the trash, because it’s a waste of my fucking time.

Doctors Discover Conclusive Link Between Looking Around at Everything and Anxiety

Posted on June 30, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — A team of doctors at New York University have conducted a study that revealed conclusive proof that there exists a link between looking around at everything that’s happening and having anxiety or depression.

“We were studying, at first, the theory that contracting COVID-19 could lead to developing a mental illness, but we discovered quickly that it goes much, much deeper than that. What we realized is that there is, in fact, a very frightening correlation between anxiety and depression and participating in the outside world at all,” said lead researcher Dr. Willow Delacruz. “It is my professional recommendation that anyone who wants to avoid contracting depression or anxiety should immediately shut themselves off from society, and oh fuck, actually as I say that, I’m realizing that might be even worse. Revising my previous statement to say that we currently have no recommendations for anyone.”

“And to be clear, this isn’t to say that mental illnesses, to a very significant extent, are not chemical,” Dr. Delacruz added. “But looking around at everything going on in the world and society at large could lead to those without mental illnesses developing one and could even exacerbate depression and anxiety in those who already have it.”

According to the study, the researchers studied the effects of looking around at everything with a sample size of roughly 500 patients.

“We sat down a group of 350 patients and showed them photographs of events happening in the news, screenshots of their Twitter and Instagram news feeds, and emails from their jobs and families and then recorded the anxiety or depression levels of these patients. To our surprise, the rates shot up with each additional photograph,” explained Dr. Madison Lang. “Then we sat down our control group and showed them several blank pieces of paper in succession. This seemed to have no effect on patients’ anxiety or depression, and in some cases actually distracted them momentarily from the outside world, decreasing their anxiety.”

The study has sent ripples from the mental health community, with many people living with mental illnesses agreeing with the findings.

“I suffer from anxiety and sometimes I actually feel pretty good, but then I think about literally anything happening in the world at all and, yep, it’s right back,” said Clinton Jordan. “Like right now I feel pretty good, actually. But then I think about things like the global pandemic, police brutality, rising income inequality, the stress of living under capitalism, climate change, and… I’m sorry, I actually don’t think I can finish this interview right now.”

As of press time, the team of researchers are reportedly working on a second study that tracks the link between depression and researching a study on all the things that make people depressed.

Sopranos Prequel Movie Still Includes Scene With Batman’s Parents Being Murdered

Posted on June 30, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — HBO has confirmed that the Sopranos prequel film The Many Saints of Newark, coming out October 1, will include a back-alley scene in which Thomas and Martha Wayne are murdered in slow motion.

“The Many Saints of Newark is going to finally show viewers Tony Soprano’s origins, revealing some of the key moments of his childhood that got him to be the troubled mob boss that he is in the late 1990s and early 2000s. And, of course, that includes the time that he robbed Thomas and Martha Wayne outside a theater as a teenager, Martha’s blood-soaked pearls slowly hitting the pavement as Tony looks on in horror at the monster that he has become,” writer David Chase explained. “Was killing Batman’s parents the origin I had in mind for Tony when I originally conceived the show? No. But if we’re making a prequel story, I think it wouldn’t be right if we didn’t include the scene. Plus, it works doubly well because it also shows the viewers how Batman came to be. I think that’s a pretty fascinating story as well.”

According to those familiar with the situation, actors working on the project are excited to dive into the iconic roles established in the hit HBO TV series.

“I never actually watched the Sopranos when it came out, and it has been a pretty wild experience to dive into my father’s work,” said lead actor Michael Gandolfini. “To prepare for the film, I binge watched the entirety of The Sopranos, really studying my dad’s movements and ticks. Then, I watched Tim Burton’s Batman, Batman Begins, Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, Joker, and several episodes of Batman: The Animated Series. I think going to be really exciting for fans to go back and watch the original Sopranos run with all the information from the movie, seeing how old scenes from the show are different now that they’re intimately familiar with the downfall of Christopher’s father, as well as the brutal murder of Thomas and Martha Wayne at the hands of Tony Soprano.”

Although little is known about the scene thus far, photos captured of the set reveal that a significant chunk of the plot revolves around the fact that the 1920 silent film The Mask of Zorro is playing in 1970s northern New Jersey. How the Soprano crime family is potentially involved in the illegal activities of those playing the film are still unknown.

At press time, leaked photos from the set, however, revealed that Peter Parker’s Uncle Ben will also feature in the film, and will be murdered by a young Paulie Walnuts for good measure.

Small Town Economy Somehow Able to Support Fighter’s Guild, Thieves’ Guild, and Mages’ Guild

Posted on June 29, 2021 by Ted Litchfield

FAFNIR’S REST — Residents expressed befuddlement at how the village of Fafnir’s Rest maintains a Fighter’s Guild, Mage’s Guild, and Thieves’ Guild despite lacking many basic services and public goods.

“There are 32 people in this village, living in 13 buildings. Half of those residents are in the guilds,” said Pig Farmer, a local pig farmer. “We don’t have a butcher. We don’t have a grocer. I’ve had the same two pigs for my entire life. Hell, I’m not even sure where we use the bathroom. Clearly, our local government is in the pocket of Big Guild.”

Even some guild members expressed concerns about economic feasibility.

“It really doesn’t make any sense,” said elven Mage’s Guild head Balanthor Hergemitz, arranging one of fourteen potions of greater healing at his storefront. “I’m really not sure how this town factors into trade, what we export, nor what demand we even have for these guilds. Nobody who lives here has ever bought a single thing from me.”

Other residents, like Thieves’ Guild leader Galabrathion Moonshadow, were less concerned.

“Hey, they let us set up shop in the sewers underneath the inn. I’m not going to look too closely,” said Moonshadow, never addressing how he and his five guildmates, nearly 20% of the population, make a consistent living as professional criminals.

Despite their lack of basic services and affordable options, some local vendors have made a fortune from leaning into the guild economy.

“Brother, things can only go up, up, up! I can barely keep up with demand for magical katanas for those Fighter’s Guild guys,” exclaimed Grabgog Sholguth, Half-Orc weapons merchant, denying accusations that his actions are fueling a bubble in the magical katana sector that could tank Fafnir’s Rest’s economy if it popped. “I don’t pay any attention to those alarmist types.

“They’re no better than the ones who say the Demon King in Mount Shadowdoom will destroy us all,” said the orc. “The Demon King is our friend, and it’s good times ahead for Fafnir’s Rest.”

Cicada Emerges After 17 Years to See ‘Space Jam 2’

Posted on June 29, 2021 by Jon Ruggiero

GENEVA, N.Y. — Scientists studying the 17-year cycle of cicada populations have discovered one of the insects appeared only because Space Jam: A New Legacy is being released in theaters.

Cicadas in the Great Eastern Brood (commonly known as Brood X) emerge every 17 years for previously unknown reasons. After discovering a live cicada specimen tunneling out of the ground wearing a Bugs Bunny/Toon Squad shirt on its abdomen, ecologists formed a new theory.

“After seeing the old memorabilia on the insect, we looked into previous brood emergences and found some of them lined up with the release dates of sequels to beloved Hollywood films,” explained Dr. Seymour Palmotti, head of the Insect Diagnostic Lab at Cornell University. “Simultaneously, major brood infestations had occurred within movie theaters.”

The last major appearances of Brood X were in 2004 around the releases of Shrek 2 and Meet the Fockers, and in 1987 around the sequel to Beverly Hills Cop.

“Though the cicadas live a short life,” Dr. Palmotti posited, “we can take solace in the fact that some of them may spend the majority of their lives chasing the nostalgia of entertainment properties nearly two decades old, like some humans do.”

Further study was delayed indefinitely when the Space Jam fan angrily burrowed back underground after seeing the redesign of Lola Bunny.

This Pokémon Fan Game Is Terrific and It’s a Damn Shame We Just Told You Because Now Nintendo Knows

Posted on June 29, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Have you ever wanted to play a Pokémon game that had every single Pokémon in it? And the option to flip between the art styles of each generation of the game? And a massive open world map that included every Pokémon region with all its NPCs? And do you wish the game was an MMO that thousands of players could log into at once? And that you could also play it in single player mode if you wanted?

Well the creators of Pokémon fan game Pokémon: Unleashed are working tirelessly to make that game a reality, set to come out in just one month, and unfortunately now they won’t be able to because we just wrote this article about it and Nintendo will undoubtedly shut it down shortly. Oops!

Watching the trailer for Pokémon: Unleashed that released last week, garnering 123 views on YouTube before we showed up, our mouths were agape looking at all the wonderful things they managed to fit into this game. Pokémon fans have been begging for so many features that Game Freak ignores time after time. It’s kind of amazing to think that in a mere month, we’ll be able to experience things like Nuzlocke Mode, Randomized Mode, and more in Pokémon: Unleashed. Well, we could have experienced those things if we had simply kept our mouths shut!

Because at the end of the day, if there’s one thing — and truly, I mean one thing — that we want more than a Pokémon game that features puzzles in which you use your Pokémon to solve them, it’s slightly more pageviews for our video game website, allowing it to survive without having to shut down for one more week. Because Pokémon is cool, but clicks are forever. Well, not forever, of course. This website probably won’t exist within the next year. But hey, to be fair, neither will Pokémon: Unleashed!

And if that feels grim, you’re right. The internet is a wasteland and Nintendo has a draconian approach to dealing with the fans who dedicate their lives to improving their games. But don’t blame us, blame the prisoner’s dilemma! If we hadn’t jumped on this opportunity, dealing a lethal blow to a fan game that yearned to let gamers experience a modernized version of their favorite monster-collector without having to pretend they like the design of Temtems, then someone else would have inevitably beaten us to it. That’s game theory! And we’re a website about games.

So don’t forget to follow us on all social media platforms, just like the rotating Pokémon who would have followed your character in Pokémon: Unleashed if we hadn’t just launched it into a legal volcano.

P.S. — Nintendo, assuming there’s a 100% chance that you’re reading this because your executives’ eyes glow red like the Terminator anytime a website publishes the words “Pokémon fan game,” can we get some advanced copies of Metroid: Dread to review? Please please please please?

Conan Releases 15-Hour Clueless Gamer Episode Where He Beats Entire Demon’s Souls Remake Without Getting Hit in Total Silence

Posted on June 29, 2021 by Ryan Fleishman

LOS ANGELES — In a string of videos released alongside the final of Conan on TBS, comedian and talk show host Conan O’Brien aired the final episode of his series “Clueless Gamer,” in which he silently plays Demon’s Souls for 15 hours, attempting to beat the entire game without getting hit.

“I had a lot of time and nothing to really do during the quarantine so I played a ton of video games. I guess you can say I’m not so clueless anymo—GOD FUCKING DAMN IT FUCKING FLAMELURKER FUCK. RUINED ANOTHER FUCKING RUN, FUCK YOU,” Conan says around hour nine of the video, before slamming his controller into the ground and walking away for several minutes.

Fans of the series were mostly confused about what is likely to be the final video of its kind.

“What I like about Clueless Gamer is that I get to watch Conan riff on video games as an outsider alongside a funny guest or two. This video didn’t really have any of that,” said viewer Jaime Osborn. “I really love when Conan goes off on somebody, playfully yelling at them for being a bad employee or something. And he definitely did a handful of yelling in this video… but it wasn’t funny. He just yelled obscenities when he got hit or missed a dodge roll and had to restart the run. But hey, I watched all 15 hours of it so I guess that’s on me. I’ll watch anything that Conan’s in.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Conan’s recent behavior has some of his friends and family members concerned.

“I never thought that gateway drugs were a thing, but ever since we started doing those Clueless Gamer segments, Conan has gotten straight-up addicted to playing video games. And that’s not even mentioning the actual drugs he’s been doing. He’s basically been non-stop gaming all quarantine and snorting tons of adderall to make it happen,” said a longtime Conan sidekick who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s becoming very worrying because he’s starting to ignore his life obligations in order to grind more Souls games. The reason he quit his weekday TBS show for a weekly HBO show is because he said ‘that’s just four more days for gaming.’ I’m scared!”

At press time, Andy Richter, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, the Masturbating Bear, Cactus Chef Playing “We Didn’t Start the Fire” on the Flute, Paul Rudd, and various other Conan characters gathered in the talk show host’s home for a very hilarious intervention.

Archeologists Discover Ancient ASCII Cave Drawings

Posted on June 28, 2021 by Gabe Porter

MONTIGNAC, France — While examining the walls of a recently unearthed cave system, a team of archaeologists discovered a series of ASCII drawings consisting of various animals and humans, believed to be thousands of years old.

“We hoped to find traces of a primitive keyboard, or fragments of a fossilized meme or two, but finding full ASCII drawings is truly spectacular. This should change how we see prehistoric man,” the lead archeologist, Greg Fiore, said. “No longer are they drooling Neanderthals, but instead a group of highly skilled artists that can create wonderful works using only the characters on their keyboards, which we have found were made of various sticks and rocks.”

A professional ASCII artist, Judy Gomp, had much to say about the recent findings.

“The way the keystrokes are imprinted shows that they most likely were using an early kind of mechanical keyboard,” Gomp said while analyzing the drawings. “Look at how the mammoth’s tusks are made out of single parenthesis. Nowadays, one would use a more complex character like a curly bracket. But the fundamentals are here. It goes to show that the tradition of ASCII art, from these breathtaking drawings to the dazzling ROFLcopter to the sick-ass Zelda walkthrough header, are part of our DNA as humans.”

Fiore also found several other artifacts hidden in the cave.

“We may have discovered the earliest cat meme,” Fiore began. “It is an abstract image of a saber-toothed tiger, and we were able to translate the words that accompanied it: ‘I Can Has Mammoth Meat?’ The image and text are in pristine condition, a rare sight for a meme of this age. Our dating puts it back to around 5000 B.C.”

The excavation is ongoing, but the team has hypothesized that the ASCII drawings were used as the header for a hunting walkthrough of the area.

iPhone Game’s Final Boss Just a Big Gem You Buy

Posted on June 28, 2021 by Camden Brazile

DOVER, Ohio — Players of the lengthy iPhone game Mythic Hero Quest Legends have reported that the final boss is just a great big gem you have to buy.

“The goal of game design is to subtly coach the player on the skills needed to beat the big challenges of the game,” said Brett Richards, the game’s lead designer. “By slowly making them buy gems over and over in the beginning, middle, and end of the game, the players self-consciously know what they have to do when a giant gem appears right before the end cutscene.”

Casual gamer and Mythic Hero Quest Legends fan Lily Reaka described how the bossfight went on her first playthrough.

“It was definitely really tough to buy on my first try,” Reaka said. “I lost so many times, I had to buy some gems to have another shot at buying that huge gem. Sure, I’ve spent probably $450, but the game was free so it feels even.”

Famous Twitch.tv streamer and popular Mythic Hero Quest Legends speedrunner Shane Woods explained how the final boss impacts his lightning fast speedruns of the game.

“This boss is a tough one,” Woods said. “Usually I can rely on a donation or two to get me past the mini boss, but this final boss is so expensive I usually have to run out and do some manual labor for a couple hours to get my bank account up enough to beat the game. I’ve been working on getting my split times down by practicing getting out my wallet quicker.”

Richards has also announced a future update, which will allow players to skip the bossfight and the whole game entirely by just paying him $100 on Venmo.

Logan Paul Announces New Branded Green Screen

Posted on June 28, 2021 by Joe Tilleli

LOS ANGELES — YouTuber and internet personality Logan Paul has announced that he is selling a new branded green screen with his name repeated across the fabric for prospective internet creators.

“I bought the new Logan Paul green screen and I guess I should have realized I was an idiot when I pressed ‘purchase,’ but I can’t actually film anything in front of it without there being the name ‘Logan Paul’ repeated across the background behind me,” said aspiring YouTuber Reese Chung. “But again, that’s on me. So now I can’t use my Logan Paul branded green screen, I can’t see out of my Logan Paul branded sunglasses with his name printed across the eyes, and I can’t eat any of the Logan Paul branded sandwiches I bought from his restaurant that have ‘Logan Paul’ written on the bread in sharpie. I truly have to stop buying Logan Paul merchandise.”

Despite criticism from all over the web, Paul has defended the green screen.

“People get mad at me whenever I do anything these days. I think they just don’t like me! So yeah I film a video in that suicide forest and everyone’s all pissed off, but now I make an inherently flawed product that no one needs and ramp up the cost to take advantage of young fans, and people are mad at me all over again? Get over yourselves,” Paul said in a vlog. “I’m not even a YouTuber, anymore. I’m a professional boxer and everyone in that world respects me as such. So whatever, grow up!”

At press time, Paul doubled down on his green screen, announcing that he was now selling the product in various new colors and even complex patterns.

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