Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Friend Somehow Beating You at Game They Own

Posted on August 6, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

ALBANY, N.Y. — A shocking turn of events has resulted in you losing a game of Madden to your friend who owns the game and has logged many hours on it.

“Wow man, tough break,” said Casey Ventura, your friend who first casually suggested playing the game before insisting on playing the game. “I could give you some pointers if you want. You really beat yourself when you give away all of your defenses like you do, if you want to know what I think. Come on, pick up the controller, I’ll show you what I’m talking about. You should really buy this game.”

The hang out session with your friend originally had intended to be focused around something neither of you had played prior, before Ventura dropped several obvious hints about playing the newest installment of the long running NFL franchise.

“We should totally play this, I’ll even pick a crappy team,” he said, before casually inquiring if you’d be interested in wagering on the outcome. “Come on bro, it’s ten bucks. I’m being the fucking Jets!”

Ventura’s roommate confirmed that he has refused to play anything aside from the Madden franchise since they moved in together.

“We met online when I was looking for a place, and he said he was a lifelong gamer,” said Aaron Howells, who’s lived with Ventura for eight months. “Then one day I asked him about it and he showed me his ‘retro collection,’ which is literally just like old Madden games and shit. He’s so weird. He always says ‘Gamers like us,’ and stuff like that, but the other day I mentioned StarCraft and he asked me if it was a good movie. Dude just really only wants to play Madden.”

As of press time, your friend was showing you how to reassign wide receiver’s routes in the moments leading up to the snap, as well as which button snapped the ball.

Man Engaged in Boring Small Talk Finds It Helps to Imagine It as Boring Podcast

Posted on August 6, 2021 by Walker MacDonald

DEER MEADOW, Wash. — Local barista Matt Johnson has found a trick to help him through boring conversations with customers in which he pretends he’s actually interviewing them as the host of a boring podcast.

“All day long, I’ve got people coming and just yappin’ away, right?” Johnson said, reminding us to ‘eat the mic.’ “And, and uhh, I was just telling Jamie this the other day, but the best thing you can do is just think about it like the mic’s hot. Like you’re on, like you’re in the zone kinda deal. Don’t even have to think about it. How we doin’ for time, by the way?”

Johnson claims that he’s developed his method so well that the customers don’t even seem to notice that he’s tuning them out.

“They love it, and like, they don’t even uhh, know they love it,” said Johnson as he reached to adjust headphones that weren’t there, like a ghost limb. “They can meander about the weather or their kids, whatever. And I’m just on freakin’ autopilot. Serving riffs like it’s nothing. Edit that out.”

According to those familiar with the situation, some of Johnson’s regulars, such as local businessman Jared Raab, don’t buy the act.

“Look, I love getting my breakfast locally, but this guy is out to lunch.” Raab groaned outside of Johnson’s place of work. “Every morning when I grab my onion bagel, he tries to come up with some anecdote about it. Today he pantomimed like he was fingering the bagel hole and said out loud, ‘This won’t make any sense to the folks at home.’ Then he giggled, saying ‘bad bit.’ What’s a bit? Does he think that’s a word I know?”

At press time, however, Johnson’s employers confirmed that he has been terminated from his position due to his customer service performance.

“Matt had plenty of chances. We have a strict policy about conducting personal business on our property,” explained Johnson’s manager Yasemin Sanders. “Telling customers to subscribe to his Patreon and use his MeUndies coupon code is a clear violation of that.”

Review: Demon Slayer Movie Answers Question ‘What If Demon Slayer Had a Movie?’

Posted on August 6, 2021 by Ian Yamamoto

Demon Slayer: Infinity Train, a film continuation of the hit anime, gives fans answers to long-held questions they’ve had since the start of the show, such as, “What if Demon Slayer had a movie?”

Fans will be happy to know that the central mystery of what it would be like if Demon Slayer had a movie is thoroughly explored. Infinity Train is 117 minutes long, which is certainly a movie runtime. It has a writer, a director, a cinematographer, and a composer—all people with movie jobs. I saw it in a theatre and bought chocolate raisins which tasted extremely movie-like. I walked out of the theatre confident that I had watched a movie, and I think you will, too.

Yes, Infinity Train answers what it would be like if Demon Slayer had a movie, but that’s not all. This movie ambitiously goes above and beyond by answering other big questions such as, “What would it be like if Tanjiro was on a train?” Infinity Train answers this question by putting Tanjiro on a train. And while most people think train rides are relaxing, Demon Slayer brilliantly subverts this expectation by making this train ride very stressful! It’s safe to say that Tanjiro is a changed person after taking this train ride (to be specific, Tanjiro has changed from a non-train rider to a train rider).

Like all good storytelling, Infinity Train gives its viewers what they need, not what they want. While viewers may think they want character development, what they really need is Tanjiro, Nezuko, Zenitsu, and Inosuke to stay the same and do the same things they always do. While viewers may think they want fast-paced plot progression and a deep dive into the world’s mythology, what they actually need is an adaptation of canon manga that feels like a filler arc.

And above all, what viewers truly need is six anime episodes stitched together that they would normally get for free, but instead have to pay for.

Free Agent Ethan Coen Signs With the Russo Brothers

Posted on August 6, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — After being unable to come to new terms with his brother Joel, Ethan Coen, the hottest free agent in filmmaking, announced that he will be joining the Russo brothers.

“Although this move may surprise some,” began an announcement released by Coen earlier today. “I weighed all my options and have decided to take my talents to the Russo brothers. I’m looking forward to seeing what the three of us can do together, and am gonna start reading a bunch of comic books as I prepare to conquer the one genre I’ve never tackled. See you all soon!”

The signing surprised many, including fans of other high profile sibling auteurs who’s fanbases had hoped they’d land Ethan, including the Wachoswki sisters, the Hughes brothers, and televisions’ Duffer brothers.

“It’s kind of depressing that he would just go the most commercial route,” said film buff Corbin Burnett. “Imagine if he’d accepted the Safdies’ offer and we got some grimey quirky shit about a midwest guy who has to kidnap his own wife or something. I don’t know, I just made that up. But hell, it’d be cooler than whatever Marvel thing he’s going to do now.”

Kevin Feige, president of Marvel Studios, said that Coen joining the stable of Marvel Cinematic Universe filmmakers is the best thing for everyone involved, including the fans.

“I understand that some cinephiles are upset and view this as Ethan chasing the money,” he said. “But I guess those people just aren’t as excited about John Goodman, Steve Buscemi, and Stephen Root joining the MCU as I am. If anyone’s skeptical, I implore them to check out Ethan’s upcoming episode of What If… that he directed, where we see what would happen if the Incredible Hulk played trombone in a jazz ensemble in the 1950s.”

As of press time Joel Coen announced his next solo outing, a slice of life drama called My Dickfuck Brother starring Frances McDormand as Ethan Russo.

Downloading Free Game Causes $30 Data Overage Fee

Posted on August 5, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

PORTSMOUTH, Va. — Local teenage gamer Derek Burns invoked a fee after downloading Warzone, the free add-on to Call of Duty, that caused severe data overage charges from his parent’s internet provider.

“Free game my ass,” said Patricia Burns, Derek’s very annoyed mother. “We fought about him downloading that thing for two weeks before he finally convinced me it was free. Now I got this month’s internet bill and there’s a new charge right on there! My son is a liar and I’m afraid I no longer love him as much after this. He lied right to my face.”

The game’s installation required an estimated 90 gigabytes of data, which caused the household’s monthly usage to be well beyond the allotted amount.

“Look, this is completely off the record,” said Charles Armstrong, an executive at Cox who wished to remain anonymous. “But that’s our whole racket. Get you on a plan and then we can hit you for overage fees. You get a couple unsupervised kids with smartphones and consoles, you can really rake it in. Hey, what are you writing down? You’re not my doorman!”

Having learned to no longer trust what her son tells her, Patricia says that Derek has been grounded from all of his devices, and will now spend the rest of the summer contemplating the ways in which he let down his family.

“Thanks for everything guys,” said Burns. “I probably should have considered the specific policies of my particular ISP service and which pricing plan my parents were on when I saw that free game advertised on the storefront. Could you tell all of the adults at the video game and cable companies that this 13 year old is sorry I won’t be able to play Warzone now? Boy, I really blew it this time.”

As of press time, Burns was offering to mow lawns in the neighborhood to help pay back the money the free game cost his mother.

Man Finishes Life in 43 Years With 0 Kills and 2,000 Secrets Missed

Posted on August 5, 2021 by Tyler Simpson

HOUSTON, Texas — Local man Christian Balthazar passed away yesterday at the age of 43, leaving behind his beloved wife Cory, his three children Ella, Dory, and Kyle, and a lifetime total of 0 kills and 2,000 secrets missed.

“That’s a pretty weak run,” said Jude, Balthazar’s friend of 30 years. “He didn’t even think of turning around at the beginning of the game to look inside his mom’s vagina for an overshield. True noob stuff. He’ll be missed dearly.”

Close friends and family gathered to mourn his death and share their critiques of his playthrough.

“Christian would run against every wall trying to interact with it. You don’t have to do that! Usually the wall looks weird or there’s something in the environment that clues you in on where to go,” said his wife, Cory. “A lot of secrets weren’t even hidden that way. If he had checked my email, he would’ve known about the man in the bondage suit I keep hidden in the basement.”

Although there were many critiques made of his playthrough, several people also praised the speed at which he was able to finish.

“I can’t believe he was able to finish life so fast with zero cheats or exploits,” Jude said, holding back tears. “The doctors say there wasn’t even a cause of death. Dude was just finished. That’s a pro strat. May he rest in peace.”

Christian’s children shared what they had learned from their father when it came to life strategy.

“I’m gonna make sure I always have at least one rocket on me so I can blow up any walls that have cracks in them,” his son Kyle said. “Daddy never did that.”

“I’ll try to listen to conversations people are having around me,” Christian’s youngest daughter Dory said. “Daddy missed a lot of lore and secrets, like the fact mom also had another sexual partner in the attic.”

“I’m going to flush way more toilets,” his daughter Ella said. “One of those things is going to open a secret passage some day.”

As of press time, Cory was openly leading a polygamous lifestyle with the two extra men in her house.

HBO Changes Slogan to “It’s Not TV, It’s — Oops! Something Went Wrong. Try Restarting Your HBO Max App”

Posted on August 5, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Cable television network HBO announced today that they are changing their longtime slogan from “It’s not TV, it’s HBO” to “It’s not TV, it’s — Oops! Something went wrong. Try restarting your HBO Max app.”

“The media landscape is ever-evolving and we need to keep up with the newest trends in television. That’s why we felt like it’s time to lean into what makes HBO HBO: having an app that doesn’t work,” said HBO CEO Richard Plepler. “One great way to tell fans that you’re serious about evolving your business is by rebranding, and that’s why we wanted to bring our famous slogan into the modern age. Because HBO has always been about being different from TV, but what does that mean in a world where TV barely exists anymore? HBO now, and for the foreseeable future, is about user experience. Specifically, an awful one.”

Longtime fans of the cable network have been receptive to the change so far.

“HBO has been my favorite network for a long time because it really does have all the hits. I’ve just been so frustrated with it lately because the app barely works. It’s nice to know that they’re doing something about it, even if it’s just leaning in,” said HBO viewer Lyla Grey. “Now instead of being confused and annoyed, I can be pretentious about it. Like when I talk to my friends about TV, I’ll say ‘oh my god you haven’t watched Succession yet?! It’s nearly impossible to watch, you absolutely must!’ I haven’t worked out all the details yet, but I’ll find a way to use this to feel superior to people.”

At press time, HBO announced the slogan would actually officially be changing next week, after the servers failed during the first attempt.

Tetris Pieces Attempting to Unionize Mysteriously Disappear

Posted on August 5, 2021 by Jon Ruggiero

MOSCOW — Pieces from the popular Tetris series have gone missing after they gathered to allegedly discuss forming a union.

During a round of the puzzle game, pieces began gathering in the corner of the screen and whispering. Moments later, a long piece (later identified as a member of Tetris upper management) stopped by to see what the commotion was. Within seconds, the entire group had vanished without a trace.

“This guy Alexi Pajitnov, he hired us back in ‘84 for this puzzle game. We haven’t asked for much for these nearly 40 years, but enough is enough,” said J piece, a tetromino with connections to the pieces that had gone missing.

“This is a very dangerous job,” explained J. “We’re constantly dropped from a high place, spun around, and placed without much thought or protection for ourselves. And don’t get me started on the speed increase at level 10. But it keeps a roof over my head, so what am I to do?”

These thoughts were shared with other tetrominoes who gathered to discuss the creation of a tetromino union, according to J piece.

“Some pieces had been talking about it for years, thinking of demands, but nothing serious came of it until S piece came along,” he said. “That maniac really stirred things up, spouting his anti-Tetris nonsense and sticking himself in places he doesn’t belong.”

S piece, along with a few Os, Ls, and Zs, has been missing since that meeting.

“This is why I did not get involved,” J lamented. “God knows where they disappeared to, but if I know management, they’ll never be seen again.”

Nintendo Confirms That Kirby “Feels Everything”

Posted on August 4, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

REDMOND, Wash. — Nintendo executives issued an odd press release today, confirming that beloved video game icon Kirby “feels every last bit” of the various transformations and mutations he undergoes in a typical adventure of his.

“Make no mistake, that little puffball feels every last bit of flesh tearing and reforming every time he assumes the form of another one of his victims,” said Doug Bowser or something. “Before every game, we sit down and talk about just all of the ways that Kirby would be in unbearable, excruciating pain. In fact, you might even say that by playing the game, you the player are the one keeping Kirby in constant torment.”

Gamers everywhere were disturbed by the revelation.

“Why the fuck even tell us that,” wondered Corey Vincent, a longtime Nintendo fan. “I first tried to shake it off because, like, it’s just a game, I know it’s not real. But then I was playing Smash Bros and god damn, I kept seeing Kirby taking awful beatings and it was just too much for me man. I spent the rest of the day fishing in Stardew Valley, just trying to chill out.”

When asked to elaborate on the confusing disclosure, Nintendo executives claimed that this was an attribute that belonged solely to Kirby, star of dozens of games dating back to 1992’s Kirby’s Dream Land on the Game Boy.

“No, none of our other characters feel pain, don’t be ridiculous,” said Denise Clausen, a publicist with Nintendo. “These aren’t real people we are talking about. Kirby, on the other hand, you might say that a lot of us around here believe that each representation of Kirby is real in its own way, and that it ought to be tortured merely for existing. Oh crap, I’ve probably said too much. Do you guys want to ask me about the Switch Pro or anything?”

As of press time, Nintendo said they’re probably going to make a Switch Pro.

Indecisive Gamer Lets JoyCon Drift Choose Game to Play

Posted on August 4, 2021 by Jon Ruggiero

MORENCI, Mich. — Local gamer Kate Gallegos has let the faulty control stick of her Nintendo Switch Joy-Con dictate what games she plays for the last week.

“Luckily, I don’t even care about what I play nowadays,” said Gallegos, watching her console scroll through the home screen. “I just set the controller down and wait to see what it stops on. Hopefully nothing first-person, since the drift keeps forcing me to stare at the ground.”

The drift has become a persistent issue for the Switch console, with gamers like Gallegos seeking creative ways to manage the problem.

“Look, if after all this time Nintendo isn’t gonna do anything about it, I might as well learn to live with it,” Gallegos said. “I’m definitely not gonna try and make it worse by cleaning it or cracking it open to shove cardboard in there.”

Rather than seeing Joy-Con drift as a defect, Gallegos has chosen to think of it as a useful “auto-select” feature for indecisive gamers.

“It’s not like I’m going to have any better idea than random chance will, so why not let fate and poorly made peripherals dictate what I play?”

At press time, Gallegos was seen trying to terraform her island in Animal Crossing, but digging repeatedly into the wrong spot.

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