Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

YouTuber Can’t Believe He’s Getting Canceled for Racist Video from 2 Whole Hours Ago

Posted on August 4, 2021 by Camden Brazile

DALLAS — YouTube personality David Patterson, better known by his username SuperVGMan64, has received internet backfire for his recent ‘sketch’ video entitled ‘Every Asian Person Ever.’

“First off, it was a satire, so that exempts me from any criticism or backlash,” Patterson said. “Second, that video was posted two whole hours ago, and I’ve changed my ways since then. Is my funny video about Asian people offensive? Sure, to some people — many of which have said so to me. But what’s even more offensive is that people are digging through my entire history as a creator to pull out anything that might not play in the modern age. The world was a very different place when I made that video, two hours ago. It’s not my fault that comedy doesn’t age well.”

Patterson continued his statements in a video apology on Twitter

“I firmly believe that people should be held accountable for their actions, and in the last 120 minutes, I’ve done a lot of soul searching,” Patterson explained. “There’s a link in the description of my videos now to a site where people can educate themselves about racial inequality, right below the link to my Patreon and my most recent funny fails compilation.”

YouTube CEO Susan Wojciki released a statement about the future of SuperVGMan64 on the website.

“Mr. Patterson’s video was not only in violation of several terms of service, but it is also an offensive, vile piece of media for YouTube,” Wojciki said. “That said, his videos regularly do better than Jimmy Kimmel clips and even old Key and Peele sketches, which are the flagships of our website, so we’ve decided to give him one more chance, as well as five or so more after that.”

Patterson’s apology videos have been sponsored by RayCon earbuds, and he promises his subscribers that he will be more considerate in the future. According to Patterson, fans can also use code ‘IMSORRY’ at checkout for 10% off their first RayCon order.

Doug Bowser Confirms If You Throw Him in Lava He Will Die

Posted on August 4, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

REDMOND, Wash. — Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser has confirmed today that, much like the iconic Mario villain he shares a name with, he is unable to withstand being thrown into a pool of lava.

“Oh yeah, my body wouldn’t be able to handle that at all,” said Bowser today, addressing the allegations. “I’m not sure what sort of answer you were expecting, but there’s no way I can make it through a thing like that. And as per your tail question, I am not going to disrobe to prove anything to you. However, I assure you that I am not hiding anything.”

Gamers across the world now wonder if the vulnerability to getting chucked into lava is where the similarities between the two Bowsers end.

“Just a little weird, man,” said longtime Nintendo fan Brandon Brant. “Like ok, we all laughed about the ‘Bowser’ thing at first, but now this? It’s a little strange, a little too coincidental if you ask me. Now that he’s been there for a while, have we heard anything else about him? I’m starting to think maybe we should throw him into some lava before we grow to regret it, you know?”

Other top executives in gaming shared a growing concern about what this means for the future of Nintendo.

“This is disconcerting,” said one of Bowser’s fellow Nintendo executives who wished to remain anonymous. “I know it sounds ridiculous, but there’s a pattern here, and frankly we’re all a little afraid that one day we’re going to discover he’s sabotaged our headquarters or stolen one of our wives. Our only hope is that he is weak against axe strikes to the body. It may be our only hope.”

As of press time, Doug Bowser left work in a go kart that accelerated very slowly but eventually really started crankin’.

Aging Gamer Wishing He Hadn’t Sold His Soul to Be Good at Guitar Hero

Posted on August 3, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

PONTIAC, Mich. — 36-year-old Tyler Martin has reportedly come to regret selling his soul during his youth in order to be really good at Guitar Hero, the temporarily popular rhythm game franchise.

“Yeah, I blew that one,” Martin said in a brief interview while traveling to his second job. “It felt like a no-brainer at the time. It was the hottest game, people were having tournaments and stuff like that. I thought I was going to be the coolest guy at every party. Instead, people at parties just thought it was weird that I could play with the orange button.”

Local legend claims that in 2007 Martin bumped into the devil at the crossroads while out delivering a pizza during his shift at a local Hungry Howie’s Pizzeria.

“Yeah, I guess it was some prank order and he got lost out there,” said Joshua Denton, Martin’s manager at the time. “Next thing he knows he’s at some crossroads being granted one eternal wish in exchange for his mortal soul. Or at least that’s what he told me when he came back a half hour late wreaking of pot, so I don’t know. You know the craziest part? Not even the worst excuse I heard from him when he worked here.”

Despite the skepticism of locals, many that knew Martin at the time claim the story is irrefutable.

“Oh yeah, there’s no humanly way someone could get that good at that game,” recalled Dana McCreary, an old friend of Martin’s. “He could rip through that DragonForce song even! It actually was a pretty long song, I remember most of us wandered away from the living room before it actually ended, but I assume he nailed the whole thing! Good for him. How’s he doing?”

As of press time. Martin was loudly wishing he had made himself good at League of Legends or some shit.

Photo via maxstrz.

Heartbreaking: This Immigrant Plumber Was a Doctor in His Home Country

Posted on August 3, 2021 by Camden Brazile

Meet Mario Mario, a local plumber who immigrated to the United States in the early 1980’s. While his regular blue collar plumbing job puts food on the table for his large family, the heartbreaking truth of his life is that back in home country, he was a doctor specializing in experimental medicine.

Mario’s story went viral this week, when he explained his situation in a video with a very moving testimony.

“Let’s-a go! Mario time! Wahoo!” Mario said. “My family was poor and a-broken after the immigration. President Reagan was indifferent to the plight of immigrants and was busy serving the a-wealthy elite, and I had to a-buy clothes and food for my wife, brother, and a-dinosaur. Wahoo! While medicine was my passion, America isn’t exactly the a-land of opportunity I was a-promised. I am not ashamed of my a-plumbing, I do my job with pride, but I long for the days I spent in a lab coat. Oh yeah!”

Mario’s brother Luigi Mario explained what his brother’s sacrifice meant to his family.

“He still talks about his time as a doctor,” Luigi said, tearing up. “It’s just not fair. When you’re an immigrant, nobody cares about your life or your story. They just want you to shut your mouth, step on turtles, and kill big lizard monsters. I am so grateful that my brother would do this for people like me and the 30 tiny mushroom people we live with.”

Mario’s incredibly somber tale has certainly taken its emotional toll, with the doctor turned plumber finding it harder and harder to look in the mirror and say “It’s-a me.”

Justin Roiland on Cusp of Coming Up With Third Voice

Posted on August 3, 2021 by Cathy Herbert

MANTECA, Calif. — Rick and Morty co-creator Justin Roiland is purportedly very close to creating a new original voice for his voiceover work, which would bring his total number of voices up to three.

According to a source very close to the famed writer, Roiland has been working tirelessly over the past year towards his goal of not immediately being recognized as “the Rick and Morty voice guy” when he appears in other animated movies and shows.

“Justin is aware that his early attempts at coming up with a new voice were not dynamic enough,” the source said. “He still uses them, because they are really funny. But he admits that they are basically just slight variations on the two voices he already did.”

Roiland’s early attempts included “Rick With A Sore Throat,” “Morty Underwater,” “Morty Down a Semitone,” “Rick’s Weird Uncle,” “Morty’s Butt,” “Morty Doing an Impression of Rick,” “Rick If He Were Morty,” and “Korvo If He Were Human.”

Since he couldn’t get the creative juices flowing under regular circumstances, Roiland turned to alternative methods of channeling inspiration.

“He spent a couple weeks living in an ashram outside of San Diego trying to open his third ear,” said the source. “It didn’t work, but he did get to meet Russell Brand. Since then he’s been getting into some pretty heavy occult stuff. He goes out to the dunes every night to practice with his ‘vocal sage,’ who I’m pretty sure is just Frank Welker.”

In a video press release, Roiland gave the world a sneak preview of his new voice.

“Wha-hey, what what what about this one? Does this one sound — is this one, good?” he asked in the short clip. “This one sounds, y’know, pretty different from the other ones, right? Ha ha!”

Roiland was last seen attending a yogic breathing class, trying to access his lower register.

Sony Confirms Halo Infinite Won’t Be That Good

Posted on August 3, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

TOKYO — Sony has confirmed what could prove to be one of the biggest scoops of this gaming generation; that apparently Halo Infinite is gonna suck.

“We got our hands on some internal documents, and boy, this game is gonna be straight ass,” said Jim Ryan, CEO and President of Sony. “There’s nothing there that you won’t find on the PlayStation 5, between Battlefield and Call of Duty. It’s weird, they have all these notes like ‘Make Master Chief cry a lot,’ and ‘All the vehicles should go really slow.’ That’s what I’ve heard, at least. Frankly, they’re taking this franchise in a direction almost nobody is going to enjoy, least of all longtime fans.”

Gamers were shocked at the exclusive news, reported first by Sony’s official Twitter account.

“Wow, I can’t believe it’s gonna suck,” said Grady Beck, a gamer who’d been anticipating Halo Infinite. “I was gonna get a Series X, but after finding this out, I guess I’ll try and get a PS5. 343 is really dropping the ball; I can’t believe they would take the series in that direction. Oh well, it’ll still probably be better than Halo 4 multiplayer. Man, what a bummer!”

When pressed for any other information about upcoming games, Ryan dropped some hints but remained cryptic.

“Oh, you know that Forza game that’s coming out?” he asked. “We heard all the cars start to really run through oil after about 200 miles, so you’re really just better off buying Gran Turismo. Those cars are really built to last, I tell ya. Has everyone played Ratchet & Clank yet? Or Returnal?”

As of press time, Sony executives had confirmed that the new Switch OLED models get, like, really hot when you play them for more than 10 minutes. They added that it was really weird that they would do that.

Matt Damon Announces He Sees Now That Using the “F-Slur” Is “Gay”

Posted on August 2, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Actor Matt Damon took to social media today to apologize for his use of the homophobic f-slur over the course of his lifetime, announcing that he understands now that to use such hurtful language is “pretty gay.”

“Ugh, I feel pretty awful about this. It really sucks dick to know how much I’ve been hurting people with my homophobic language. But I get it now. Using the f-slur, no matter how you use it, is incredibly gay,” a teary-eyed Damon said in a video posted to his Instagram account. “I have so much love for the LGTBQ+ community and I hope they know that I’m on their side 100%. No homo, but I love you guys all so much. I just hope they can forgive me for how completely and utterly gay I’ve been acting lately.”

According to Damon, it was not until his daughter explained to him the offensiveness of the word a few months ago that he decided to stop using it.

“My daughter has been my guide these last few years with regards to what’s appropriate in the modern world. Just last year she had to sit me down and tell me I couldn’t be friends with Harvey Weinstein anymore. And Harvey was completely devastated, the look on his face just totally sucked,” Damon explained. “It’s just so incredibly fucking hard to be a man right now.”

At press time, Damon reportedly asked his daughter if it’s still OK for him to be from Boston, who shook her head, “no.”

Olympic Skateboarder Makes History by Finding All 5 Letters on First Run

Posted on August 2, 2021 by Stephan Reilly

TOKYO — American skateboarder Oliver Flipman has made history as the first Olympian to find all 5 letters on their first run.

“Finding the letters was most important to me and I achieved that today,” Flipman told reporters after his historic performance. “I’ve been practicing my manuals so much for the last few years, because you need those to string together jumps and tricks, and I’m glad all the hard work paid off at the Olympic games!”

Flipman wasn’t able to smash all of the boxes or find the hidden tape in time, but the points earned from all the letters was enough to get him the win.

“I don’t know where the tape was, but hey, at least the soundtrack they had playing was fire,” Flipman added, noting he’d always been a big fan of the Dead Kennedys. “I did think it was a little weird how many random guys they let just stand around the Olympic arena, though. They kept trying to get me to do shit for them. I get that it’s the first year of the event, but I hope they iron that out for 2024.”

Hardcore skateboard fans who’d flown to Tokyo to watch the event couldn’t believe what they’d witnessed.

“That was so gnarly!” exclaimed skateboarding fan Anthony Hawk, 53. “It normally takes me ten or more runs to find them all but Flipman found all of them on his first run? Hey you guys know I’m Tony Hawk, right? You guys are all acting like you don’t realize I’m Tony Hawk.”

When asked what he would be doing to celebrate, Flipman said that he would be doing what all athletes do after they win a big event: getting really high.

New Service Lets You Rent a Funny Guy for Your Group Chats

Posted on August 2, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — A new startup based in Manhattan called Chat Rat lets people rent a funny guy to join their group chats and make them a little less boring, according to a press release.

“Group chats are where you and your boys — a word I use to describe any and all genders — can just bro out and goof off. Everybody has a role; there’s the smart guy, the supportive guy, the guy with the good memes, the guy who stays up really late, and most importantly, there’s the funny guy. But what if your group chat doesn’t have a funny guy? That’s where Chat Rat comes in,” said Chat Rat CEO Parker Hutton. “For just $200 a month, your group chat can rent one of our hilarious guys to pop in and riff hilarious little bits in your Discord, Facebook Messenger, Instagram DMs, iPhone chats, or any other popular group chat service. He’ll tell you about some crazy thing that just happened to him at the store, and for just $50 extra each month, he’ll even post crazy videos of himself when he’s up to some especially funny shenanigans.”

“No one deserves to have a group chat that doesn’t have a funny guy,” Hutton added. “It’s a basic human right.”

According to testimonials on the Chat Rat website, the service has been incredibly popular with those who use it.

“My group chat used to suck absolute dick. It was like… a dick sucking machine. See? I’m just not funny,” said Chat Rat client Ricky Cervantes. “Renting out Kevin for our chat changed everything. Now we all get to have fun in the chat and make little jokes to bounce off of Kevin’s. Adding tags to a bit is something anyone can do, but not everyone can come up with their own bits. Kevin’s so naturally funny and his life is so freaking crazy.”

Despite widespread praise, however, some users have noted that there are drawbacks.

“My group chat and I rented James for three months and it was a blast. But that’s kind of the issue,” said client Ella-Rose Kay. We had so much fun in the chat that I started to think he might be my real friend. I tried inviting him to my wedding, and he got weird and completely disappeared from the group. Then a representative from Chat Rat popped in and we had to have this really awkward conversation about how when we signed up for the service, I signed a contract agreeing to not think the funny guy we rented would become our real friend. It was pretty demoralizing. Thankfully, the new funny guy we rented, Carlos, has really lightened the mood with his hilarious goofs.”

As for marketing, Hutton says the service markets itself. According to the company’s internal data, Chat Rat has found incredible success convincing the meme and article guys of every group chat to share news of the company to their friends as an interesting story.

Falco Lombardi Still Kinda Bitter That Mario Is Nintendo’s Flagship Italian

Posted on August 2, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

CORNERIA — Local ace pilot of the Star Fox team Falco Lombardi is reportedly annoyed that Nintendo still sees Mushroom Kingdom plumber/hero Mario Mario as their flagship Italian.

“It’s just ridiculous. I get that he has seniority, but it’s almost offensive that Nintendo looks to him as the main Italian guy of the company. I mean have you heard the way he talks? He’s like a cartoon character. ‘Let’s-a-go! Okie-dokie!’ No one from Italy actually talks like that!” Lombardi said. “I mean, most of my cousins and extended family do talk like that, but as a second generation Italian-Cornerian, it comes off as incredibly pandering. And you know what? It perpetuates a harmful stereotype that people really believe! Ever since Slippy Toad watched the Sopranos, I can’t get him to stop doing the fucking voices and giggling to himself. It’s really offensive!”

“All I’m saying is that Nintendo and the community surrounding it could afford to recognize a second major Italian character, and I think that character should be me,” Lombardi continued. “I have a lot of cool Italian catchphrases too. ‘Personally, I prefer the air.’ A lot of people think that has to do with flying around, but it has to do with the beautiful air in the Italian Alps. And sure, Mario has a classic working class profession, being that he’s a plumber. But he’s barely been a plumber for the last 30 years or so. Space Pilot is also an incredibly important working class job.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Lombardi’s comments have made waves in the Nintendo character community.

“Waaaaaaaaah!” said Nintendo fan favorite Waluigi. “That’s not just my catchphrase, but it’s also the noise that Falco makes every time he speaks! He’s a little baby! Hahahaha! If anyone should be the next flagship Italian, it should be me! Waluigi! Everybody loves Waluigi! Am I even Italian? I don’t know! Who cares? It’s Waluigi Time and I’ll be eating canolis off Falco’s grave before he’s the next big character of any kind in this universe. Hahaha! When was the last time there was a Star Fox game? Can Falco even play tennis? No!”

When reached out to, Mario’s representatives said that the famed hero did not wish to comment on the situation. Thirty minutes later, however, we received a response from Mario himself, with a message for Falco Lombardi: “Let’s-a-go fuck yourself!”

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