Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Modern-Day Robin Hood Uploads Pokémon Leaf Green to Torrent Website

Posted on August 9, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LONDON — A mysterious heroic figure not unlike Robin Hood, the legendary outlaw from English folklore, has uploaded a torrent of Pokémon Leaf Green to the internet, according to those familiar with the situation.

“I steal from the rich and give to the poor! Me and my merry men won’t stop until every last man and woman in the land has access to the modern remake of Kanto,” exclaimed the figure, dressed in all green except for tan cargo shorts. “For too long, the powerful have hoarded the ROMs that belong to the people! Well no more. With the quick slash of our Pokémon Swords, we will free these files once and for all! And so the game is afoot, and I don’t just mean Leaf Green.”

Despite widespread praise of the actions of these leakers, an executive who many have dubbed the Sheriff of Nintendoham has vowed to take down the heroic figure and delete all of the ROMs.

“That cursed leaker shall face the wrath of our legal prowess!” the Sheriff of Nintendoham said, shaking a fist at the heavens. “These foolish twits on their online boards love this Robin Hood character, despite the fact that they are stealing from me, forcing me to crack down even harder on their fan art and games! He will pay dearly for it. And if we don’t catch this thief? Then we’ll cancel Metroid Prime 4.”

At press time, executives at Nintendo hanged several fan artists in an attempt to scare the torrent uploader and his gang of merry compatriots.

Real Life Suicide Squad Goes to Movie Theater Unvaccinated

Posted on August 9, 2021 by Ian Yamamoto

MADISON, Wisc. — A group of seven misfit friends excited to see movies in theaters again, despite not being vaccinated, have formed Suicide Squad of their own, according to sources.

“The first Suicide Squad was so good,” said a woman dressed in a 2016 Harley Quinn Halloween costume in a fake Brooklyn accent. “It won an Oscar, you know? I just love Harley Quinn. I love her cuz she’s like the Joker but a woman, you know? But she’s not defined by The Joker, she’s her own thing. She’s a free thinker like me and neither of us bad bitches would ever get vaxxed.”

According to those familiar with the situation, one of the members of the group was dressed as King Shark, and spent his time before the movie started shouting incorrect answers at pre-show movie trivia.

“Suicide Squad is a very smart movie with an anti-vax message embedded deep in it,” said King Shark taking a handful of popcorn from a bucket he and his buddies were sharing. “It’s about these cool, smart people who have something bad put inside them against their will by the government. Me and my friends are totally the Suicide Squad if you think about it. Number one: we’re a squad. Number 2: We’re anti-heroes, ‘cause of our political beliefs. Number 3: all of us have criminal records.”

Comic nerd Eric Chan came to the movie by himself wearing a mask and socially distanced himself as best he could.

“Sometimes you can just tell when people are unvaccinated,” said Chan, a huge fan of John Ostrander’s Suicide Squad run. “The one dressed like Harley Quinn kept saying Harley would never wear a mask because she hasn’t been indoctrinated by liberal colleges. I wanted to tell her that Harleen Quinzel was actually a medical doctor, who would very likely wear a mask if she were still sane, but I bit my tongue. And that guy dressed like King Shark kept saying Suicide Squad was a rightwing film. If you’re paying attention, you would know that the movie obviously criticizes draconian rightwing prison systems. ”

At press time, the entire local “suicide squad” managed to match the characters in the movie they were watching, as a result of every one of them surviving, while also killing all of the people in their vicinity.

Christopher Nolan Reveals He Will Not Watch YouTube Videos Unless They’re on IMAX Screen

Posted on August 8, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Director and cinema traditionalist Christopher Nolan has revealed that he refuses to watch any YouTube links he is sent unless he can view them on an IMAX screen.

“It’s doing the author a disservice to view it in anything less,” said Nolan, shortly after viewing a funny video of a rabbit using a crosswalk in his private screening room. “Culturally we’ve taken so many steps away from the ideal cinematic viewing experience, I’m digging my heels in. I refuse to let our screens get smaller and smaller as our cameras get better and better. It makes no sense!”

The peculiar practice was confirmed by his brother and frequent collaborator Jonathan Nolan.

“Yeah, I stopped sending him links when I found that out, it seems like such a hassle,” he said. “He’ll send me these texts like ‘Just finally got to see the little film you sent me last week. Smashing cinematography! That roller skate hit that guy right in the dick! Big future for that filmmaker,’ and I just don’t know if YouTube is necessarily the right thing for him. “

Executives from the popular streaming video website disagreed with Jonathan Nolan’s assessment.

“We applaud Nolan’s atypical approach to viewing the content on our platform,” said Don Stamp, an executive at YouTube. “Everyone knows we don’t really give a fuck what you see on our platform, so long as you are using it, so natrually the same philosophy applies to how you consume our videos. We’re YouTube, anything goes!”

As of press time Nolan was filming his daughter jumping into a pool with a 70mm camera while using a full crew.

Psst. You. Yeah, You. Wanna Buy a PS5?

Posted on August 8, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

Hey, kid. Yeah, you. Hey, c’mere. I’m talkin’ to ya! Hey, you kids want to buy a PlayStation 5? Just follow me through this alley. Come on, it’ll be fine. Hurry up.

I know what you’re thinking, “I’m not supposed to talk to strangers, and more pressing, nobody can get their hands on a PS5,” right? You kids are smart, yeah, real smart. Couple of smart kids like you could see through a bullshitter, right? But let me tell you something, if you follow me a few more blocks, I’ll show you the stuff. You’ll see. I’ll sell you one at a real good price. Real good.

Hey! Get away from these two! These two are mine, you fuckin’ hear me?! You get your own fuckin’ action!

Sorry about that, boys. That was, uh, my friend. We were just yelling about a game we played last night. You guys play games online? Oh, you’re gonna love this PS5, then. Yeah, we’re almost there now. Come this way.

Huh? Oh, yeah, of course we’re supposed to be in here, are you guys kidding me? I know it looks like we just broke into a warehouse, but this is just loft apartments. Me and some guys stay upstairs, that’s all. This is just the attached garage that the unit has.

Now look boys, I can’t go much further with you here. It’s these shoes, if I go out there where the PlayStation is, I’m liable to scuff the floor all up and I don’t want Tony getting mad. Oh, Tony is my roommate. I’m actually surprised he’s not here.

Anyway, you do wanna buy this PlayStation 5, right? Well, it’s just in there. Hey actually, I left mine in there, too. You don’t want to grab mine while you’re in there, do you?

No, that’s the funny thing, I haven’t even opened it yet! I bought extra, that’s why I’m being so generous. You’ll see when you get in there. Just grab two of the unopened PlayStation 5’s that you see.

OK, I’m going to give you this gun. Don’t worry, it’s a gag. You know when Joker has that gun and the flag comes out and says “Bang!”? That’s all this is. If anyone tries to stop you, I want you to get them laughing, so point that at them and squeeze the trigger, okay? Point it right at their eyes, I want to make sure they see the joke.

OK, remember we just need the two. Good luck in there. We’ll talk price when you come back.

Initial Puzzle of Escape Room Makes You Convince Friends to Do Escape Room

Posted on August 8, 2021 by Jon Ruggiero

AUGUSTA, Ga. — Local man Todd Glancy, looking to do something a little different for his birthday this year, reportedly ran into the first puzzle of escape rooms: convincing others to do an escape room.

“I know plenty of people that like to do puzzles,” Glancy said unconvincingly. “I just didn’t realize how difficult it was to wrangle five or more of them together on a Thursday night with only two hours notice. This room was rated a three-star difficulty, but this puzzle is a full five stars!”

Glancy successfully got others to join him on at least one other occasion. Co-workers from his day job gathered for a pirate-themed escape room three years ago, convinced that it would be “a great team-building exercise.” Many of those co-workers stopped speaking to him after.

“I had to deal with a lot of people saying I only brought them to the escape room to show off how good I am at puzzles,” Glancy explained. “But if that’s the case, why were none of them impressed that I knew there had to be something drawn on the walls in blacklight paint?”

Glancy did end up finding a group to go with him, but they were unsuccessful after Glancy spent the majority of the room hoarding all of the keys to himself.

Principled Gamer Only Buys From Studios Where Allegations Haven’t Come Out Yet

Posted on August 8, 2021 by Andy Holt

MADISON, Wisc. — In an effort to be an ethical consumer, local gamer Teresa Moyers has vowed to purchase video games only from studios where horrifying workplace allegations have not yet come to light.

“I’m sending a message to gaming companies: If you harass coworkers, demand abusive hours, and generally create an unsafe working environment, you better hope that information hasn’t yet become available to me personally,” said Moyers, who always searches “[studio name] allegations” exactly once before playing a new game. “If it does, I’ll probably play a different game instead so I don’t feel bad. You have to be the change you want to see in the world.”

While the change required sacrifice on her part, Moyers insisted she was no hero.

“It’s a matter of simple morality. Could you imagine enjoying a video game, knowing that the studio hasn’t successfully hidden the exploitation involved in its creation?” asked Moyers. “Personally, I don’t know how I could sleep at night.”

Critics have claimed Moyers’ plan is unsustainable, given the massive amount of global labor involved in AAA video games and the cold profits driving it. But others have defended her.

“Is labor abuse built into the very bones of the industry? Yes. Is pretty much every major studio probably guilty of it? Yeah, for sure,” said journalist Jason Schreier. “But I’m only one guy. There’s always going to be ones I haven’t gotten around to. She’ll be fine.”

When asked what games she does play, Moyers refused to give a specific answer, saying she “doesn’t want to jinx it.”

Move Over Ray Tracing: Sony Just Trademarked Something Called Gary Tracing

Posted on August 6, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — As Sony and Microsoft compete for market control in the current generation of console gaming, Sony has trademarked a new technology that many believe will prove to be a game changer, something called “Gary Tracing.”

“Let’s be clear, we know absolutely nothing about this except for the name they’ve trademarked,” said games journalist Cortney Brown. “However, Ray Tracing has emerged as one of the most exciting breakthroughs in video game technology in the last few years, and it sure sounds like Sony has something big up their sleeves here. What could Gary Tracing be? I bet it’s something to do with the sound. Whatever it is, this is the story of the year!”

Gamers and journalists alike immediately began pontificating on how Gary Tracing may shape the industry in the near future.

“Sony’s throwing down the gauntlet in a major way here, I think,” said local gamer Alden Tuttle. “When you think about it, Microsoft is really beating Sony these days when it comes to software. It makes sense that they would introduce something as revolutionary as Gary Tracing now. Still not all the way clear on what it is, but I bet in a year or two I will be livid when games don’t have it. I’m gonna love Gary Tracing, I just know it.”

Sony executives remained tight lipped about Gary Tracing, reminding everyone that it had not been officially announced yet.

“Look, we’re realistic, we know we can’t keep a lid on something quite as mind blowing as Gary Tracing,” said Jim Ryan, Sony Interactive Entertainment president and CEO. “But we also can’t say too much just yet. Please be patient with us. Oh, and if you thought it was hard to get your hands on a PlayStation 5 now, just wait until we light the gaming world on fire with an official reveal. That’s all I can say for now. Oh, and that pregnant women probably should avoid playing titles with Gary Tracing in them.”

As of press time, Sony had cryptically changed the names of all of their social media accounts to Gary.

Comic Book Fan Choosing to View Parents Dying as an Opportunity

Posted on August 6, 2021 by Camden Brazile

CHICAGO — Newly orphaned local resident Tyler Frances is reportedly recovering from the recent tragedy that both of his parents were murdered in an alleyway mugging by staying positive, an outlook he credits to the Golden Age of comic books.

“I am choosing to view this not as an obstacle, but as an opportunity,” Frances said. “Batman was a nobody before his parents were killed. Spiderman was just some geeky loser. Tony Stark didn’t even like his dad. I could go on and on. Now that my tragic origin is behind me, I have nowhere to go but up. Be on the lookout for big things from me, or should I say my alter ego, Dead Parents Boy. Working title.”

“I don’t have any powers or skills at the moment, but I’m sure the narrative structure of my life will turn around soon,” Frances added. “Fingers crossed I fall into a vat of something by the second act. I guess I’ll miss my mom and dad, but I really couldn’t achieve my dreams with them still walking around all alive and stuff.”

According to those close to the situation, mugger Mike Watney, who has since been taken into custody, is confused by Frances’ unique take on the situation.

“When we were in court, he kept swearing his revenge on me and all this stuff,” Watney said. “I actually had to explain to the guy that they gave me two life sentences with no chance of parole, I’m ain’t getting out for him to take his revenge on. Also, the guy’s like 90 pounds soakin’ wet, I don’t think he’s much of a threat to anybody.”

The brother of the deceased and Frances’ uncle, Benjamin Frances, shared Tyler’s sentiments.

“Phew!” Benjamin said. “I’m just glad it wasn’t me. I hung out with Tyler a lot, so it was really a 50/50.”

At press time, Frances’ permit requests for a gas-powered grapple gun, nuclear powered car, and his adoption application for a young orphan boy for “sidekick purposes” were all denied by the state of Illinois.

Gamer Living Through the Purge Launches Nintendo ROM Site

Posted on August 6, 2021 by Saad Khan

LOS ANGELES — Local gamer Alex Thorne, who is currently living through a period called the Purge in which all crime is legal, took advantage of the occasion to launch a website dedicated to hosting pirated Nintendo ROMs.

“Nintendo’s lawyers have shut down pretty much every site that’s tried to host their games,” Thorne said, peering through his window to keep an eye on the wanton destruction happening outside. “I’ve still managed to build a pretty big collection of Nintendo ROMs though. So when the Purge started and all crime became legal for a while, I figured I’d just upload them while their lawyers couldn’t do anything about it.”

Deftly catching a Molotov cocktail flying in through the window, Thorne continued, “Nintendo’s already reached out and demanded I take the site down. I’m not scared though. What are they going to do, sue me?”

Asked why he didn’t use the Purge to cleanse his inner demons by committing more serious crimes, such as murder, Thorne responded, “What the fuck? Why the hell would I do that? I just want people to be able to play Yoshi’s Island for free. Jesus.”

Fred Thompson, one of several thousand attorneys for Nintendo, assured that the company would take action against Thorne’s ROM site.

“Rest assured, Nintendo does not take piracy lightly. It’s completely unacceptable for people to distribute games that we no longer offer for sale in any capacity.”

Thompson would not elaborate on the specific actions Nintendo plans to take against Thorne, offering only a cryptic message: “Let’s just say we’ll make sure his body is ready.”

At press time, Thorne’s site was offline. He could not be reached for comment. Reports indicate that two men wearing overalls were seen exiting Thorne’s building shortly before all laws were reinstated at the end of the Purge.

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