Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Tragic: YouTuber Tears ACL Jumping Right Into It

Posted on October 5, 2021 by Ian Vaflor

BOSTON — A popular YouTuber will be sidelined for at least 9 months after he violently tore the ACL in his left leg jumping right into his latest video, an essay about various Easter eggs hidden in Marvel movies.

“Without further ado, let’s jump right into it,” said Finley Hickman before pivoting slightly into his chair so as to face a different camera. Sadly, before he was able to explain the connections between Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings and 2008’s The Incredible Hulk, a tearing sound was heard and he dropped out of view of either camera.

“Oh fuck, help me! Help me!” Hickman cried from the ground. “If my camera is still going, could someone send me some help? Oh jesus you guys, I’m really fucking hurt. Don’t forget to follow and sub please, thank you so much guys. Ow.”

Hickman sought medical attention immediately following the completion of the video, which was uploaded under the title “Shang-Chi Easter Eggs You May Have Missed/Guy Absolutely DESTROYS His ACL//Must Watch,” where it quickly became one of his most popular videos.

“I’d never seen that guy’s stuff before, but he rules,” said Gwen Blackmore, who checked out Hickman’s videos after hearing of his grotesque injury. “These stupid videos about popular movies are a dime a dozen on the internet, but you don’t really see too many guys willing to just jump right into it like he did with full abandon. A lot of people say they’re gonna, but this guy walks the walk. While he still could, at least.”

Doctors have told Hickman that if he doesn’t radically change his approach to making content, these types of injuries could continue to plague him.

“He can’t just keep jumping into things like this,” said Doctor Santino Justice, Hickman’s primary care physician. “This is his first major injury, sure, but the x-rays revealed he’s got the knees of a retired ballplayer. This is obviously very concerning. Perhaps instead of jumping right into things, he can slowly approach the topic of his videos, and sort of just casually head into it? Maybe just kind of vibe for a minute up top. Does that work at all?”

As of press time, Hickman’s first vlog from his physical therapy sessions ended in further injuries. We will update this article as soon as possible with his updated condition.

Aging Anime Fan Goes for a Naruto Walk

Posted on October 5, 2021 by Brett McCabe

TULSA, Okla. — Between juggling his career and children, running a manga club, and attending PTA meetings, local resident Heath Báthory finds it difficult to have the energy to go for a Naruto run like he used to.

“After coming home from work, making dinner, feeding the kids, and responding to work emails, I just don’t have the energy anymore,” said Báthory, 37, between sips of Ramune from a tea mug. “Nowadays, all I have left in me is the occasional Naruto power walk.”

The main thing keeping him up to speed is his dog, Naruto Sasuke, a Shiba Inu.

“With ‘Ruto, every walk is a Naruto walk,” Báthory said multiple times during the interview, snickering each time. “I haven’t had to do any running since she was a pup and would yank the leash and air-dash around the hidden leaf village of Chandler Park.”

Báthory continued on about what drained him in day-to-day life.

“The in-laws are visiting this week, and I just don’t have the jutsu to keep up with my mother-in-law’s passive-aggressive bullshit,” Báthory said, before solemnly bowing his head. “I have to admit though, she is truly one of the great masters.”

The interview concluded when Báthory leapt up, threw his arms behind his back, and politely excused himself, saying he needed to “pick up the kids from Airbenders Gym.”

HBO Releases First Screenshot of ‘Last of Us’ Cast Moving a Ladder

Posted on October 5, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — HBO sent fans into a frenzy earlier today when they released the first promotional shot of the cast of their upcoming The Last of Us adaptation picking up and moving a ladder.

“Wow look at that, it looks like a damn screenshot from the game,” said Cameron Dorsey, a fan of the games that said he’d been initially skeptical about the live action adaptation. “That first picture they put out was pretty dope, Joel and Ellie looked great, but it was a little confusing. I don’t remember them wandering upon a crashed airplane anywhere in the game. But this picture of Joel finding a ladder in the middle of an abandoned freeway that he can use to climb up to a bridge is way more like it. Okay, now I’m pumped.”

Executives at HBO said that accuracy to the source material was of the utmost importance to their upcoming adaptation.

“Of course we’re allowing the writers and directors some freedom to tell the stories they’d like to tell,” said Miles Hoffman, a VP of programming at HBO. “But we must also do that in a way that is faithful to the world and themes of The Last of Us. It’s all there, the bleak portrayal of a post apocalyptic world, the refusal of the main characters to quit, and the inexplicable proliferation of ladders everywhere they go.”

Star of the show Pedro Pascal was thrilled that fans were reacting so warmly to the photograph.

“I’m glad the fans have responded to these early photos so positively,” he said. “A lot of my auditioning was actually with ladders and with simulated ladders that were added later. All of my experience acting around CG effects in The Mandalorian really got me ready for this role, it would appear.”

As of press time, HBO’s The Last of Us is expected to premiere sometime in 2022, with many claiming it’s easily the best show of the year and others claiming it is wildly overrated. A smaller third group of people is waiting until the show comes out to form their opinion.

Sakurai Secures Sora for Smash in Exchange for First Born Son to Disney

Posted on October 5, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

KYOTO, Japan — Super Smash Bros. creator Masahiro Sakurai confirmed today in a special Direct video that Kingdom Hearts protagonist Sora will be joining the iconic fighting game, in exchange for Sakurai’s first born son becoming property of the Disney Corporation.

“It is such a great honor to have Sora on the battlefield alongside Mario. And to think, all I had to do was trade a person who I haven’t even met yet,” Sakurai said in the presentation. “Because Sora is the final character in the game, we wanted to make sure that his costumes are extra stylish. I think fans are really going to like what we’ve done with him. And on the flip side, I’m really excited to see what Disney does with my eventual son. I look forward to seeing what franchises he shows up in — whether he gets his own Disney+ streaming show from birth to death or if he’ll be doomed to dressing up as a character in the parks and cleaning up the underground tunnels. Whatever it is, I just hope the fans are finally happy and stop yelling at me.”

At press time, Smash Bros. fans complained about the series ending with yet another anime sword fighter.

New Geneva Convention Adds “Killing AFK Soldiers” as a War Crime

Posted on October 5, 2021 by CJ Hernandez

GENEVA — A new protocol added to the Geneva Conventions, the international standards for ethical treatment during wartime, will now punish soldiers who deliberately kill players away from their keyboards as a war crime.

“There is no honor in an AFK death,” said U.S. General Robert Harrison earlier today. “For too long, soldiers have been claiming the honor and XP that comes with rolling up on someone that’s probably feeding their kid or hitting a bowl or something, and we no longer want to reward those kinds of tactics. In fact, we will now be holding tribunals and punishing to the fullest extent of the law anyone that we find to be in violation of this newest addition.”

Many rejoiced over this news, claiming it was long overdue.

“It’s about fucking time,” said local soldier and gamer Henry Wood. “I still remember playing Modern Warfare 2, the first one, and I thought I was on a pretty quiet part of the map so I ran to the other room to grab a soda real quick. When I returned, my greatest fears had been realized — my body had been absolutely blown apart by gunfire while I was away. That was the game that inspired me to join the marines; we need to be the change we want to see in the world. I’m just glad we’re finally locking these fuckers up!”

Others thought that while maybe a light punishment was appropriate, soldiers not paying attention in war are not blameless victims.

“Look, I hate that shit as much as anyone,” said Nadia Nixon, an activist that has been outspoken about the international meetings to update the Geneva Conventions. “But they’re talking about sending people to Guantanamo Bay for doing a little camping. This is not who we are. Luckily if there are any Gulag situations, a lot of these guys are gonna have a decent shot at surviving the horrific conditions. But still, this is overboard!”

As of press time, a military tribunal was deliberating on the punishment for a soldier that used 300 rounds of artillery to draw a dick in the wall with his gun.

Police Edition of Duck Hunt Only Lets You Shoot Dog

Posted on October 5, 2021 by Kyle Erf

LOS ANGELES — An unexpected reboot of the classic light gun shooter Duck Hunt was announced today that casts the player as a police officer and only allows you to shoot the iconic dog.

“Forget everything you thought you knew about Duck Hunt,” said Lawrence Callahan, who’s studio Buck An Ear Games will be releasing Duck Hunt: Police Edition sometime next year. “This edition will serve as a tribute to our boys in blue, who are unafraid to enter a dangerous situation and just blow away whatever dog they see regardless of how much of a threat they pose. Really hope we honor them with this.”

Many gamers felt offended not only at the thought of a Duck Hunt remake, but the nature of the changes being made to it.

“Yeah ok, but it’s literally called Duck Hunt,” said Kate Simmons, a gamer who was outraged at the announcement. “The point of the entire game is to go out and hunt ducks. Doesn’t the whole thing fall apart if the player with the gun radically reinterprets what they’ve been instructed to do and starts turning the gun on innocent bystanders they deem to be expendable? In the game, I mean. I’m talking about in the game.”

Police defended the game and their reputation, saying they are a deeply misunderstood group.

“Oh the boys are all real excited to play this one, I tell you,” said local police officer Todd Bricklock. “We often get the short end of the stick with our representation in the media, always being portrayed as thugs even though we’re just human beings trying our best. This is the most exciting release since that mod that made everyone you dragged out of a car in Grand Theft Auto V automatically black!”

As of press time, Callahan revealed another feature of Duck Hunt: Police Edition that makes game footage randomly cut out sometimes, due to the player character’s malfunctioning body camera.

Man Who Lied About Watching Squid Game Forced to Participate in Deadly, High-Stakes Workplace Conversation

Posted on October 5, 2021 by Camden Brazile

TULSA, Okla. — Local man Brandon Cary, who in a moment of panic lied about having seen the acclaimed Korean drama ‘Squid Game,’ suddenly found himself in a deadly, high-stakes workplace conversation.

“Before I knew it, I was fighting for my life conversationally, I was already in way too deep,” Cary said. “Why did I even lie? I had nothing to gain, but it was way too late. I was lying about characters, twists, and actors. I made a huge mistake and said that my favorite character was ‘the Korean guy’ and now they’re very suspicious. Oh, why didn’t I just watch the show? I hear it’s great! Now I’m trapped in a tense game of cat and mouse, with everything to gain and everything to lose. Maybe if I can pull this off by the skin of my teeth my coworkers will like me, and talk about things I actually like.”

Cary’s boss Paige Allen commented on the incredibly high stakes of the conversation.

“If he’s lying, he’s going to be leaving here in a bodybag,” Allen said. “I can tolerate not watching it, but not lying about it. If he’s a liar, and I recommend something else like ‘Midnight Mass’ or tell him to check out ‘Better Call Saul,’ how will I ever know if he actually will or not?! It is tricky to tell, though, because there have been enough memes circulating for people to get a general plot, and I have trouble remembering some of the names and aspects myself from binging it so quickly, so this will come down to the wire.”

At press time, Cary made an unfortunately fatal mistake in a heated conversation about the show when he mentioned offhand that he “really likes the squids.”

Facebook Down as Mark Zuckerberg Leaves for New Job

Posted on October 4, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

MENLO PARK, Calif. — Facebook and Instagram servers were both down today following rumors that CEO Mark Zuckerberg is vacating his position to join Super Smash Bros. Ultimate as the final fighter in the roster.

“Mr. Zuckerberg used his incredible wealth to lobby for himself to be added to the game’s cast as the final fighter,” said an anonymous source familiar with the information. “That’s the real reason why investors are leaving right now — they know Zuckerberg is gonna stop hanging out with billionaires and politicians and start hanging out with Donkey Kong and Solid Snake. He’s been working out the technology for years, but he has literally transported himself into the video game world so that he can fight against the various heroes and villains of the world’s most iconic series. He could have ended hunger.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Smash Bros creator Masahiro Sakurai will give a 40 minute presentation on October 5th to explain Zuckerberg’s moveset in detail.

“Mark as a fighter is based around a very complex ‘react’ system. To charge up his attacks, he needs to gain likes, hearts, and laugh reacts and he can lower the power of his opponent by sending out angry reacts and wow reacts,” explained a prominent Nintendo leaker. “His normal moves are pretty weak, but his special moves — called ‘fake moves’ — are incredibly powerful and can be boosted further by spending money to reach a larger audience, which is what the game calls his opponents’ damage percent. His final smash is really dope, it’s called Facebook Video and it allows Mark, for 30 seconds, to just lie about what his opponent’s damage percentages are, sometimes up to 300% more than they really are.”

“Mark comes with a Facebook Wall stage and the song ‘Hand Covers Bruise’ by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross,” the leaker continued. “He also has four costumes, which are duplicated on a Jesse Eisenberg alt skin for a total of eight.”

At press time, Smash Bros fans were upset.

Nintendo Promises Next Month’s SNES Online Additions Will Be Most Insulting Yet

Posted on September 23, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

REDMOND, Wash. — Nintendo closed its Direct today by revealing that the next set of SNES games becoming available on their online service will be the most insulting to longtime fans of the company yet.

“Look, I’m gonna shoot you straight,” began an atypically sincere address by Nintendo President Doug Bowser in the presentation earlier today. “We know you guys are going to really freak out when we hit you with some of the good stuff we’ve kept up our sleeves. So with that, I’d like to thank you for your patience and announce the games that will be available very soon; Home Improvement and the game that came with the shitty bazooka. Bazooka not included.”

The second title he was referencing is 1992’s Super Scope 6, a collection of games meant to showcase the titular light gun it was originally packaged with. All indications seem to be that there is no feasible way to play these games on the Switch, as touchscreen controls have been vehemently denied for the upcoming ports.

“You need a Super Scope to play these games,” Bowser added. “And Super Scopes will not be made available. Fuck you guys.”

The other title, Home Improvement: Power Tool Pursuit!, is a baffling 1994 platformer based on the popular sitcom from the era. Well not necessarily worse than many of the forgettable licensed titles of the ‘90s, Bowser said this version was notable, as licensing issues have prevented Nintendo from using star Tim Allen’s likeness or his iconic Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor character. Instead, following some digital alterations made to the title, players will now guide Tom “The Tip Man” Traylor through his gaming debut as he traverses through four astonishingly underwhelming levels.

“Wow man, you gotta give it to Nintendo, they really know how to deliver beyond your wildest expectations,” said Jacob Price, a longtime Nintendo fan that was hoping for better news. “Here I was thinking they almost had to put something good up next because that’s almost all that’s left. Mario RPG, Earthbound, Chrono Trigger, something’s gotta hit soon, right? Then wham, there it is! Super Scope 6 and Home Improvement: Power Tool Pursuit! I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. Nintendo hates me personally, don’t they?”

As of press time Nintendo had released a mysterious trailer that promised a big 2022 for fans of the Virtual Boy.

Tom Lets Out Weary Sigh After Walking Into Kitchen and Noticing Cheese Grater Isn’t Part of the Matte Painting

Posted on September 22, 2021 by Hunter R. Thompson

THE HOUSE — Walking into the kitchen and realizing that he would soon be in danger, sources have confirmed that the long-suffering cartoon housecat Tom of Tom & Jerry fame let out a prolonged, weary sigh upon realizing that a nearby cheese grater was drawn directly onto its own animation cel instead of being painted into the background.

“Oh, man, he’s going to walk right into that room and get hit by the cheese grater,” reported viewer Katie McLaughlin, while Tom conveyed his own feelings on the matter wordlessly with a series of comic gestures. “How many times is that dumb cat going to fall for these tricks? Couldn’t be me.”

Tom, heavily bandaged and covered in soft pink lumps from his previous injuries, briefly stopped chasing Jerry to contemplate what his life had become.

“Last week, Tom chased Jerry across a bunch of open drawers in the bathroom until the drawers collapsed and he fell into a bucket of mousetraps,” added McLaughlin. “Of course, the drawers that buckled under Tom’s weight were the ones with flatter colors and a harsher black outline than the rest of the surroundings. I can’t imagine how brutal some of those injuries might feel, if I were Tom I’d definitely try to look out for the background objects that look like they were drawn with a bit more effort.”

Viewers of Tom & Jerry, while still eager to see Tom get hurt, were sympathetic to how resigned he was to his fate.

“Don’t get me wrong, that cheese grater looked gnarly and he absolutely had it coming,” cartoon enthusiast Katie McLaughlin said of Tom, whose only crime was trying to catch a pest that lives in the walls and eats his owners’ food. “It’s hard not to pity someone who’s too stupid to see his own murder weapon on the top animation layer like that, though. Unless he — no, what kind of exploitable buffoon would see it coming and just belly-slide across the countertop right into it?”

At press time, the violent impact of the cheese grater had somehow transformed Tom’s face into a comically large lollipop with the word “SUCKER” written across the wrapper.

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