Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Friendless Man Forced to Fill Birthday Party With CPU Characters

Posted on October 10, 2021 by Jake Menez

CLEVELAND — A local man without nearby friends was recently forced to fill his birthday party with CPU characters, concerned neighbors have reported.

“I saw he was having a little get-together last weekend, which was fine by me,” said Philip Shields, about his next door neighbor’s peculiar birthday party. “In fact, I was kind of happy for him since I hadn’t seen him have any company since he moved in. At some point I went out to check the mail, and that’s when I realized most of his guests were just bots. Kind of sad to see the whole party filled with them, I thought he had friends to hang out with.”

The man throwing the party, Calum Lewis, said it was a desperation move dictated by his inability to make new friends during the pandemic,

“I moved here for work last year,” he said. “And then we went remote pretty shortly after, so I’ve not really had the chance to make too many new friends here in Cleveland. I didn’t want that to stop me from celebrating my birthday, though, so CPU friends. They’re weird — they have a ‘level’ setting from 1 to 9. I tried 1 at first and they were all super dumb, walking into walls and shit. So I switched them all to 9 and it was like impossible to talk to them. Every time I tried to make a joke, they’d immediately figure out the punchline and say it before me. It was superhuman. I ended up settling on a healthy level 7 for all the CPUs.”

Another neighbor that had stopped by to wish Shields well didn’t realize what exactly was going on and was deeply troubled.

“Uh, I don’t want this to sound strange,” said Jamie Waltzer, who stopped by after seeing the balloons and cars in Lewis’ driveway. “But I’m pretty sure those guys are all like really dumb or on some weird drug that makes you really dumb or something, because I swear to god every person I talked to just repeated the same thing he said over and over. It drove me mad. I felt like I was in The Twilight Zone, so I just left.”

At press time, Lewis reportedly pleased with the party’s clean-up situation, as none of his guests ate, drank, or went to the bathroom.

Barcade Bartender Decides Man Needs to Be Cut Off From DDR Machine

Posted on October 9, 2021 by Camden Brazile

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local Barcade bartender Michael Atticus was forced to eject a patron for disorderly conduct after deeming he needed to be cut off from the Dance Dance Revolution machine in the corner Friday night.

“When you’ve been working in a Barcade as long as I have, you just know when people have had enough,” explained Atticus. “They get a certain look in their eye, like they’re about to do that thing where they play on both platforms at once, and that’s when it’s time to leave before they hurt someone else or themselves. Normally, we would be happy to take his quarters all night, but something about this guy just assured me he was better off on the streets tonight. He wasn’t even drinking, dead sober, just clearly had some emotional problems to work out, and DDR is no way to fix them.”

The next morning, the patron in question, Nick Sutton, felt ashamed of his previous actions.

“I don’t know what came over me; I’m incredibly embarrassed,” Sutton said. “It’s been a rough year. Susan left and I just didn’t know anywhere else to turn. My dad was a fierce DDR player when I was growing up, so I should have known that this was hereditary. After I was thrown out of the Barcade, I went around all night to other arcades, movie theater lobbies, and mall food courts until eventually I just practiced combos in the gutter on the street. It was a real low point for me.”

Sutton went on to explain the effect his DDR playing has had on his family.

“I’ve lost so much weight my children barely recognize me anymore,” he said, holding his head in his hands. “The Barcades have my picture up on the door, so I had to bring the DDR into my home. When Susan found a Wii hidden in my study, that was the end. I would demand every family vacation be to Japan, and nearly squandered my daughter’s college fund when DDR Extreme 2 came out.”

As of press time, Sutton claims he has not touched a DDR machine in over ten days, and thankfully has been able to cope with his addiction by drinking and doing drugs.

True Simpsons Fan Doesn’t Think Any of It Is Good

Posted on October 9, 2021 by Camden Brazile

MOBERLY, Mo. — Self-proclaimed “Simpsons Superfan” Walter Groznic took to internet forums with an explosive tirade, finally narrowing down which episodes and seasons of the iconic watershed cartoon The Simpsons are still worth watching today: none of them.

“Casual enjoyers like any old Simpsons episode, longtime fans like seasons two through eleven, but the true Simpsons obsessives know the entire show is bad,” Groznic said. “I think the show really started going downhill with season one episode one ‘Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire.’ That episode completely forgot what made the characters so great, and you can tell that the writer’s started to jump ship by the end of the opening theme song. Whenever someone tells me that they like an episode of The Simpsons, I know they aren’t a true-blooded fan.”

According to those familiar with the situation, local Simpsons fan club president Larry Goggins agreed with Groznic’s general sentiments about the long-running cartoon.

“When I started, I liked almost every episode of the show, but I’m working on getting that down,” Goggins said. “I only like two episodes now, and I’m thinking by the end of the year I could be down to just one. Something to keep in mind as a Simpsons fan: if someone has never seen the show, you must defend it and sing its high praises until red in the face, but if someone enjoys it, they’re just a corporate stooge.”

Simpsons creator Matt Groenig gave his perspective on the hotly-debated quality of the show.

“People always forget that I had nothing but contempt for The Simpsons from day one,” Groenig said. “In fact, I was only writing most of those episodes to put those characters through pain, trials, and tribulations. I created a family simply to destroy them. Anyone who says they like the show is a filthy menace to society. How could anyone have love for such a vile, antisocial man like Mr. Homer Simpson? This, I will never know.”

At press time, Fox announced that The Simpsons will be renewed through the next 35 seasons.

Bruce Wayne Oddly Insistent on Sending Batman to Space

Posted on October 9, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

GOTHAM CITY — A series of bizarre editorials by local billionaire Bruce Wayne has seen him repeatedly claim that Gotham City ought to prioritize sending Batman into outer space for some reason.

“For too long we’ve kept our city’s beacon of hope grounded, unable to escape gravity’s oppressive grip on his facilities,” began the latest such piece, put in the front page of The Gotham Gazette, the Wayne-owned newspaper that has put all competitors out of business in recent years. “Batman is truly the finest citizen among us, and as such, our greatest choice to represent this fine city as we explore the infinite reaches of this galaxy. A lot of billionaires just want to send themselves up there, but not me. This is more important.”

The articles indicate to many a conflict of interest between the press and the working class citizens of Gotham.

“I thought the newspaper was supposed to be for unbiased reporting?” Ray East, a local citizen. “Growing up, the Gazette was really your best bet to keep track of which super villains were or weren’t incarcerated at a given time. But now it’s mostly puff pieces about how Bruce Wayne should pay less taxes or that Batman should get a siren on the Batmobile so he can go through red lights and stuff like that. They don’t even publish the reports of all the petty criminals Batman sent to the hospital last night anymore. It would appear that much like Bruce Wayne’s parents, the free press has been murdered in the darkness.”

Gotham Commissioner James Gordon, a long time ally and supporter of Batman’s, defended the recent articles penned by Wayne.

“When you’ve done as much to keep the status quo intact as Batman has, I fully understand why Mr. Wayne would be such a fan of his,” said the head of Gotham’s police squad. “What I don’t understand is the legions of online supporters that defend these guys every time they get the chance. The batmobile has run over half a dozen people in the last few years, but they’ll all just tell you that’s the price we pay to have that big of a hero in our society. I guess they all think they might be Batman one day.”

As of press time, Superman had taken out an editorial in The Daily Planet threatening to just fly into space before Batman gets a chance to.

Here’s Everything We Know So Far

Posted on October 8, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

If you’re anything like us, you have trouble keeping straight everything we’ve officially found out from different companies and people over the last several decades of our lives. We here at Hard Drive thought it would help to provide a comprehensive list of everything we know so far! Keep an eye on this space, as we will update the list as more rumors are confirmed:

Forza Horizon 5 will release November 9, 2021
It will also be included on Game Pass the day of its release
Grand Theft Auto Trilogy Remastered heavily rumored
Activision is in trouble
HBO is doing a The Last of Us show
Netflix is entering the video game world
Nintendo Switch is out
New seasons coming soon to Fortnite, Rocket League, Apex Legends, and all the others ones too
You have to drink water
N64 and Genesis games coming to Switch Online, but buddy, it’s gonna cost ya
There’s a whole thing going on with Apple and Epic
Boba Fett show gonna come on in December
Tap up, up, down to do a special move
Water won’t hurt you per se, but you can drown in it
Battlefield 2042 holding a 45-minute beta this weekend
Demolition Man coming to every streaming service next month
Far Cry 6 is out! Or maybe it isn’t yet
The PlayStation 3 followed the Playstation 2
Humans have been to outer space
Checks are kind of like money, but not all the way
Castlevania – Whips Metroid – Girl
It’s pronounced “biopic”
Nintendo 64 was almost called Super Super Nintendo
Ice is the coldest water
32X plugs right into your Sega
PS5 is out
The FBI killed Martin Luther King (look it up)
Mom’s mad at you
Birds make houses out of sticks
They’re putting more stuff on Game Pass
EA’s gonna be in trouble soon I bet
Final Fantasy 8 is the best one. Or maybe it’s 9 or 6 idk
Instead of saying “wireless-less,” like a dummy, just say “wired”
That game you were waiting for got delayed.
The other one did too
Tony Hawk from the video games is a real guy

That’s it! Every single thing we know. I will keep emailing stuff to our Editor in Chief, Jeremy, when I find it out so please bookmark this list and check back in the weeks to come. Thank you!

School Budget Cuts Require Bully to Consolidate Nerds Into Single Locker

Posted on October 8, 2021 by Dustin Meadows

TOLEDO, Ohio — A newly diminished budget at a local public high school has reportedly forced local bully Mike Horn to integrate all of the nerds he’s harassing into a single locker.

“Yeah, this fiscal year has been rough so far,” said Horn, stuffing a third boy into a shared locker. “Used to be we had the tall fuckers all up and down every hallway, but now they’re closing the whole arts program and most of the hallways had to switch over to the cube lockers to accommodate all of these dorks. I gotta head all the way to the 200 hall to use these big lockers now. It’s a real pain in my ass, frankly.”

The recent closing and consolidation of several wings of the school have reportedly caused less than desirable conditions for many on campus beyond just the bullies.

“I know the nerds aren’t thrilled about sharing lockers, but we’re all making compromises around here,” said Roosevelt Sykes, principal of Rocky Shores High School. “I got teachers sharing rooms, busses with too many kids on them, and I got a damn janitor coaching the basketball team. Ever since we granted the local police force an extra four million dollars a year I’ve had to buy pencils for my students. So yeah, we’re all feeling it around here. Tell those nerds to try and come with a better budget while they’re all cooped up.”

The nerds have reportedly been adjusting better than many had expected to the new crowded conditions.

“It’s actually sort of nice to have the company,” reported Arnie Jarvis, freshman, from the vents of the locker he and two others were stuffed into. “We play Hearthstone and chess and one day Luke actually had some dice in his pocket so we were able to play some D&D by the light of our phones. I fear we’re going to run out of oxygen soon, but beyond that, not too shabby! Could you excuse us, please? We’re in the middle of a game here.”

As of press time, all three bullies stuffed in the locker missed their bus to go home.

Best Buy Introduces New Crispy Chicken Sandwich

Posted on October 8, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

MINNEAPOLIS — Electronics retailer Best Buy has entered the competitive chicken sandwich market by introducing one of their own that will be made available in select locations starting next week, sources with the company have confirmed.

“We’re so excited to debut the Best Buy Fried Crispy Chicken sandwich,” said Corie Barry, CEO of Best Buy. “No retail corporation stays in business by ignoring the trends of the current moment, and a viral chicken sandwich is every company’s dream right now. Plus, we have so much room in our stores since we cleared out the DVD and music departments. Figure we might as well install deep fryers and give our eternally bored employees something to do.”

Consumers were surprised but ultimately excited about the newest entry into the increasingly competitive “chicken sandwich war.”

“Oh shit, I’m there,” said Douglas Dickson, a self described chicken sandwich connoisseur. “I know it sounds crazy, but I was right there when that Popeye’s sandwich popped off and started all of this shit. Then Burger King and Carl’s Jr and hell even fucking Taco Bell all have new chicken sandwiches now, and of course Chik-Fil-A is a major player in the game always. Can’t believe Best Buy is throwing their hat into the mix, but to be honest, I haven’t been inside a Best Buy in six years. For all I know they became a restaurant chain once we all started streaming movies and downloading our console games.”

Employees from many Best Buy branches are reportedly elated at having some new activities to participate in during their shifts.

“Oh god, finally some action,” said Jay Briggs, an employee at a local Best Buy, as he dropped four chicken patties in the deep fryer following the first order of the day. “I’ve been here for years, and it was a pretty okay place to work at first, back when people were still coming in. Lately though, shifts here have just been everyone standing around playing grab-ass until a customer comes in and then like five of us swarm them and ask if they need help finding anything, usually only to scare them off. I’m glad to have a job description that makes sense again: make the chicken sandwiches.”

As of press time Best Buy announced that their new crispy chicken sandwich would also be available in a combo meal which will include an HDMI cable and a room temperature bottle of Aquafina.

FDA Warns Stephen Colbert Has Been Watered Down to Unsafe Levels

Posted on October 7, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Food and Drug Administration has concluded a study on the dilution levels of television host Stephen Colbert and warned consumers to stay away from any ingestion of his generic, ineffective brand of late night television comedy.

“The levels of adulteration we’ve seen in Mr. Colbert’s persona are unprecedented,” said Deborah Wall, a researcher with the FDA. “I mean, sure, Leno was a great club comic before The Tonight Show, but that was a pretty natural progression, one standups dreamt of for generations. Not exactly the same thing as one of the great satirical voices of the 21st century being reduced to asking Chris Pratt what he likes on his pizza. We can’t in good faith recommend anyone looking for a healthy dose of topical comedy to ingest a segment of his.”

When alerted of the federal warnings relating to his content, Colbert grew defensive of his recent output.

“There’s no way around it, I was giving America a nice sweet 22 minute bullion cube of comedy every weeknight for 11 years,” said Colbert. “I’m older now, and I do twice as long a show for four times the size of the audience. If you think I can still construct every joke and sketch we do with that much care, well then, I have some sad news about the way comedy is produced in this country. It’s all watered down, and for the FDA to single me out is incredibly unfair. I suspect that walking Cheeto had something to do with it.”

Bizarrely, despite the one-on-one conditions of the interview, a mysterious ovation was heard after Colbert’s jab at former president Donald Trump.

Following the FDA’s warning, many have come forward and claimed that the allegations explain a lot of their loved ones’ recent behavior.

“Oh no, I think my dad watches that shit,” said Connor Rowland, who grew concerned after reading the FDA’s warning. “We used to be able to have nuanced, non-partisan conversations about current affairs and whatnot. But now whenever I bring something up, he just rolls his eyes and cracks a joke about Mike Pence or Covfefe. It’s really troubling. He told me he’ll watch John Oliver on the weekend if he doesn’t have to get up early in the morning, but mostly just sticks to this decaf stuff these days. Poor guy. The media is just filling his head with all kinds of lies about what’s funny.”

As of press time, the FDA clarified that it was completely appropriate to use The Late Show with Stephen Colbert to treat cases of insomnia or if your horse has worms in it.

Jeopardy! Producers Insist Ridley Too Big to Host Show

Posted on October 7, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — With their controversial search for a host to replace the iconic Alex Trebek still in progress, Jeopardy! producers issued a statement detailing why fan favorite space dragon Ridley from the Metroid games won’t be considered for the role; he is simply too big to fit onto the stage, they claim.

“Look, we all love Ridley just as much as anybody else,” said George Fenton, a producer on the long-running trivia game show. “It’s just that he would simply tower over the podium, cover up a good half of our question board, and I have to assume really put the human contestants on edge at a time when we like to see them relaxed and able to play the game calmly. Sorry folks, you’re never gonna see Ridley on the Jeopardy! stage. There’s no way. He’s just too big.”

Fans insisted that the quotes to the press were merely lip service until Ridley’s inevitable debut as host happened.

“Okay, I’ve heard this all before,” said gamer Trudy Baxter, referencing the similar narrative used for years to keep Ridley out of the popular Super Smash Bros. series of fighting games. “He’s too big until he’s not. I’m sure he wasn’t exactly on the first shortlist they put out, but every decision they make seems to get them in even hotter water with the fanbase, and this could really go a long way, I think. They should at least consider it. If the new Jeopardy! host isn’t LeVar Burton or Ridley from the Metroid games, we’re going to become a Price is Right house.”

The calls for a new host have persisted ever since Trebek’s departure, even remaining after replacements were initially announced.

“They told the world I would be hosting special tournaments and things like that,” said actress Mayim Bialik, who along with executive producer Michael Richards were named as successors to the position, before backlash concerning Richards caused him to step down. “And almost immediately I started to read online that they wished they’d selected some flying bird creature thing instead of me. It’s like, okay, did you not see when he accidentally lit his podium on fire during his rehearsal week? Or are we just going to overlook that? We can’t have a man that spits fire reading these contestants’ questions!”

As of press time, producers revealed that some goddamned Fire Emblem character was just going to be made permanent host.

Review: Malignant Is an Homage to Giallo, a Film Genre I Definitely Didn’t Just Learn About Today

Posted on October 7, 2021 by Walker MacDonald

In an age where the box office has long been plagued with tired reboots, sequels, and crossovers, moviegoers have begun to express in louder and louder voices that they are ready for something new. Every once in a while during times such as these, a special film comes along to turn the cinema world on its head. James Wan’s Malignant is one such film — a horror picture with a fresh, contemporary take on “giallo,” which is a film genre that I must assure you that I definitely did not just learn about a few hours ago while scrolling through Letterboxd.

You may be asking yourself, “What is giallo?”

I am happy to answer this question because I’ve known about giallo for a very long time. No, it’s not a fruit-flavoured gelatin dessert, you idiot. Giallo is a subgenre of horror popularized in the 1970’s by masterful Italian works like Daria Morgendorffer’s Disturbia, Mario Luigi’s Bird With the Fucked Up Tail, and Lucario Fulci’s Lady Wearing, Uhh, Like A Big Snake Skin or Something. Wait, you’ve never seen those? Really? Wow, that’s embarrassing. I’ve seen them all like, twice each at least.

A cornerstone of giallo is that a lady has to go crazy and witness a bunch of murders. Or maybe she commits the murders? I’m pretty positive one of those two things happens in Malignant. There’s also a weird guy you think is doing it, but maybe not really? Well, the lady is certainly there to either see and/or commit the murders. I think. No matter how you slice it, it’s a bizarre and fucked up mess that doesn’t scan as fully intentional, which checks all the giallo boxes for me, an expert on giallo.

In closing, Malignant is an instant classic that not only elevates the tropes of Italian horror, but teaches us something about ourselves along the way. In the end, those we hold dear are always with us in our hearts. And sometimes dormantly slumbering within our brains.

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