OUTWORLD — After a string of concussions forced him to retire suddenly from competition, Mortal Kombat favorite Sub-Zero has been signed to announce the pay-per-view broadcasts of the wildly profitable fighting events moving forward.
“I’m so thrilled I can still be involved with the sport that I love,” said Sub-Zero of the mixed martial arts tournament that is famous for its violent, often fatal style of fighting. “With what we know about CTE and long term effects of head trauma, there’s really no ethical way to keep competing now that I have children. But I will happily describe the action to millions of fans as a younger crop of fighters take shots to the skull, in addition to having their bones and organs ripped out of their body. Remember to wear a mouthguard out there, fellas!”
Producers of the Mortal Kombat broadcasts promised that the shows will be better than ever following the high profile signing.
“You’re not going to believe the show we have in store for you during our next tournament,” said Mike Rickles, who’s been directing the specials for years. “When we decided to hire a new announcer, we wanted someone that had been with Mortal Kombat since the beginning. A veteran and fan favorite. A lot of rumors were flying around that Johnny Cage was going to land this slot, and while that would be a sensible choice, we wanted someone that was, dare I say, a little bit cooler!”
“Also,” he added. “Johnny Cage wanted too much money.”
Sub-Zero will join longtime Mortal Kombat broadcast announcer Mauro Ranallo in the booth for the monthly tournaments, providing veteran insights and anecdotes to accommodate Ranallo’s play-by-play analysis and iconic shouts of “Mamma Mia!” that underscore the sport’s signature fatalities.
“Wow, just as a fan of good broadcasting, this is too good to pass up,” said Wayne Eldritch, who described himself as a lapsed Mortal Kombat fan. “I had tuned out for years because well, it’s just so barbaric, what with the lack of proper padding and the way they can just bring goddamn weapons or whatever else in there with them anymore. But I can’t wait to check out the product now that Sub-Zero is gonna be calling the action. I bet he’ll have some really good observations about those slow motion replays of people ripping each other’s faces off and whatnot.”
As of press time, Sub-Zero had accidentally frozen Cetrion while interviewing her at a weigh-in.