KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo is now offering a special deal to their customers for their loyalty over the years, by dropping the price of one of their 2014 titles to a mere $57 retail.
“We figured that the game had been out long enough that it was time to give a cheaper option to our fanbase,” Nintendo of America president Doug Bowser said. “Nintendo will definitely feel that three dollar drop on our net profits this year, but it is worth it to do a magnanimous act for the players. Besides the money and the fame, they are the reason we do this.”
Nintendo fans have flocked to this unprecedented deal while supplies last.
“I’ve never seen Nintendo do anything like this, so I went and bought another copy while I could,” Nintendo fan George Craighead said. “It’s really compassionate of [Nintendo] to offer an alternative option for people like me who love gaming but can’t afford expensive triple A titles at launch. I remember buying the first Super Mario Galaxy for $58.99 on Black Friday last year, what a rush!”
Market Analyst Mark Summers said this giant price decrease was the largest in Nintendo history.
“This is a once in a lifetime event for Nintendo fans,” Summers said. “This kind of market crash is a crazy gambit for such a large company, but I worry this may have a snowball effect on other titles. Rumor has it that when Mario Kart 9 releases, the previous game may drop to as low as $40 three years later. I’m a bit shocked Nintendo thinks they can financially survive such a generous offer. Honestly, they might go under.”
At press time, Nintendo fans claimed they would use the three dollars they saved on the Nintendo game to buy six games from the newest steam sale.
Hey gamers! Elden Ring came out a month ago, and while that can be an eternity in the gaming world, it’s really not that long at all when you consider the size and scope of this massive RPG. In fact, many players are still trying to find every last secret skate tape in Limgrave, the first accessible area of the Elden Ring map. In today’s guide we will help you find every skate tape you need in the opening chapters of the game, and hopefully in turn you will be able to boost your rail balance enough to beat Margit in the big Burnside Skate Tournament!
Church of Elleh
While this is generally the first merchant and/or site of grace many of us will find upon our initial exploration of the area, a closer look reveals the first secret skate tape available to players after the adventure starts (obviously not counting the skate tape we see the Dung Eater collect in the opening cinematic.)
After you talk with Kalé the merchant, look straight up above him. You’ll see the rotating tape calling to you, but at first it is unclear how to get to that height. Many players falsely assume they’ll just power themselves up and come back later, but it’s entirely possible to collect the tape now!
You must get a good speed going on your board (which can be difficult on the grassy hills of Limgrave) and grind up Kalé‘s musical instrument. When you reach the end, ollie off hit a wall plant, sending yourself back the direction you were just going. If you’ve timed it right, you’ll just barely snag the secret tape.
Great job! 199 more left in the game!
Gatefront
The Gatefront area is one of the more commonly trafficked in the early game of Elden Ring. With its central location and reasonably manageable enemies, this is an area you can expect to see time and time again during your first 15 hours of play. However, the secret skate tape is hidden so devilishly in this level, you’d be forgiven to not notice that this area contained one of them.
First you’ll want to take out some of the patrolling guards, to make your maneuvering easier. Sneak up on the ones that stay in the same position and take them out, using your board’s quietest attack, so as not to alert the rest of the enemies.
After you’ve taken out the stationary guards, the police officers are next. They can’t catch you on foot, but they will be quick to draw their weapons. If you’ve acquired the disappearing smoke bombs from Chad Muska in Murkwater Cave, use them here to disorient the cops. If you haven’t, you will have to fight them one and one, which is possible, but very time consuming.
Once the area is finally clear, you’ll notice that the abandoned donut shop that the police officers were hanging out has a broken window on one side. Get a good approach, and ollie up into the broken window. The skate tape is just inside the room you’ll land in, and in addition to the secret skate tape you will also find several smithing stones and a Talisman that gives you an extra slot for a special trick.
The Foundry
Veer right from the entrance to the Foundry (discovered in the westernmost section of the Weeping Peninsula) and use the jump to land on the walkways that run over the factory. Follow this walkway to a big room surrounded by glass. Smash the glass, and grind on the I-beam until you reach the end and collect the secret tape.
Stranded Graveyard
After you help the distressed old lady find the keys to her car, you’ll discover a graveyard to the north. In one of the trickier tapes to get (in Limgrave at least!) you’ll have to successfully grind and transfer all eight caskets in a single combo. Once you do, the ground rumbles and a staircase made of bone emerges from the soil, rising like a phoenix and penetrating the lifeless sky above. The secret tape is on top of that!
Don’t forget to check back regularly for more Elden Ring guides, including how to spell out T-A-R-N-I-S-H-E-D in every level!
WESTCHESTER, N.Y. — Famed X-Men member and amateur Magic: The Gathering player Remy “Gambit” Lebeau caused alarm earlier this week when he swore he was going to win an upcoming tournament “one way or another.”
“Yeah, see, I don’t like that,” said Dan Evans, owner of Dan’s Hobby Shop, which hosts the monthly tournament. “I want to be clear here — I fully support mutants playing in our Magic tournaments. But you really can’t imply that you’re going to use your powers to possibly make cards start exploding. We’ve got to draw the line there, right? I don’t think I’m being insensitive.”
“I mean what’s next?” Evans added. “Professor X shows up and just starts reading people’s minds? Wolverine joins a tournament and stabs a guy in the gut after not getting any lands? Cyclops stops by and people have to talk to him? It’s a slippery slope.”
While many were alarmed at Lebeau’s statement, he maintained that it wasn’t meant as a threat of physical violence.
“Not a threat at all, chère,” said Lebeau, who’s mutant abilities enable him to charge small objects with kinetic energy and turn them into makeshift explosives. “I jus’ meant that either through early assaults or successful sideboarding, one way or another I’ll be the one left standin’ when the smoke clears. In this case, the smoke is but a metaphor, I assure you.”
Tournament judges were forced to make a quick decision on the matter.
“At the end of the day, Magic: The Gathering really can’t afford to alienate such a high-profile celebrity player like this,” said Mozis Scheck, one of several judges that ruled Gambit would be allowed to compete. “And yeah, all we can really do is hope that he wins some matches early and doesn’t start thinking about using his powers. If he starts using his powers I don’t think they’re gonna keep letting us have tournaments here. We did tell him he can’t smoke cigarettes in here, though.”
As of press time, Gambit had brought his first round opponent a can of soda in an apparent gesture of goodwill before their match.
ROCKVILLE, Md. — Bethesda Game Studios executive producer promised today that the sixth game in the Elder Scrolls franchise will be released even more times than Skyrim.
“We understand that with Elder Scrolls 6, we need to get even bigger than we did with Skyrim. That’s why we are vowing that, by the end of 2030, we will have released at least ten different iterations of the game,” Howard said. “We’re talking HD updates, remasters, DLC packages, next gen upgrades, and more. We know what you want and we hear you. That’s why we’re promising to not include fishing in Elder Scrolls 6 so that we can release a version that does have fishing several years after the original. Elder Scrolls 6 will be unlike anything you’ve played before, and that’s why we want to make sure you have the chance to purchase it dozens of times.”
Video game journalists praised the announcement from Howard about the upcoming fantasy roleplaying game.
“Todd Howard is one of the only video game developers who has figured out how to bring the gameplay of his work into the real world. In the Elder Scrolls franchise, you’re not just managing the resources of your avatar in Tamriel. You’re also managing the resources of your character in real life; and if you hold all your copies of Skyrim at once, you’re not going to be able to walk quickly anymore,” said freelance video game reporter Emyr O’Reilly. “Hopefully whichever video game news website lets me review this game pays me for each time I have to inevitably write about it over the years, though.”
At press time, Howard further promised that anything future versions of Elder Scrolls 6 will add to the base game will also be created by modders for free within one week of the original release.
Devolver Digital’s new gunslinging roleplaying game Weird West is filled with crazy roleplay elements and engaging setpieces. After playing through the game in its entirety, I would love to give this mythical wild west romp a 10/10, however I must deduct points for the constant reminder the game gives me about the time a witch exploded my husband with dynamite.
I love a fantasy RPG as much as the next person, and combining that motif with the outlaw country provides an exciting, explorable world that I spent years forgetting about in grief counseling. Immediately I was immersed in the game’s atmosphere, and booting it up made me crumble to my knees remembering Harold’s folly of hitting that witch with his car. The premise of Weird West is truly the star, with such an outlandish scenario that is only outdone by having to explain to the police that your husband was murdered in a Loony Tunes style execution by an evil sorceress. Not so outlandish for all of us I guess.
The controls of Weird West are tight and intuitive, making the player feel in control. This sense of agency is exactly what was missing from modern games, and my real life when I was powerless to stop that milky-eyed hag from blowing Harold to smithereens before my very eyes. Sometimes, I found the controls a little too intuitive, in fact, as if I had already been in all these places before. That’s probably because, emotionally, I have. I was there when a witch exploded my husband with dynamite.
Weird West’s playstyle is very much up to the player. You can choose a stealth approach to sneak around and avoid enemies, to rush in guns blazing, or pause the game and gently caress a photo of your husband and wonder how a witch even procures a powder keg in modern times.
While the cops didn’t believe me about a sinister old crone detonating my soul mate, you should believe me when I tell you that this fantasy RPG is definitely worth your time. Many players will get a lot of Weird West and I recommend it to those gamers. But for some of us, Weird West will play a lot more like Regular, Harrowing West. Because the events of this game aren’t weird to us at all; it’s simply our reality.
This review is sponsored by Devolver Digital. That’s right: all of your worst fears about video game reviews being paid for are accurate. The world is crumbling around you. There’s no hope for the video game journalism industry anymore… except… is that a light? Yes… yes! You can wash away your fears and misery by exploring the strange and fantastical RPG world ofWeird West!Have fun, gamers!
NEW YORK — Tech billionaire and self-proclaimed memelord Elon Musk purchased nearly 10% of Twitter stock today, worth about $2.89 billion, making him the largest owner of the app that owns him every single day.
“Elon Musk can own 9% of Twitter, but Twitter owns him 100% of the time. It’s sad, really,” said tech analyst Camilla Daly. “Every day on Twitter is just a constant war between people posting upsetting facts about Elon Musk and the people literally willing to die for a chance of him liking one of their tweets. But as long as there’s new controversies, the battles rage on. You think one day Elon Musk has done literally every embarrassing or evil thing he could possibly do and then bam, you find out his scientists tortured a bunch of monkeys to death or whatever. If he thinks owning Twitter is gonna stop Twitter from owning him, he’s in for a world of hurt. Like twelve children trapped in a Thai cave in 2018 once said to Elon, ‘this is literally not going to help at all.’”
In a statement, Musk explained that he had purchased the social media platform in an attempt to protect freedom of speech for its users.
“The thing is, I just find that freedom of speech is really…….. Epic!” Musk said, smirking, at a press conference. “People really can’t say what they want to anymore. It’s really cringe. I want to make Twitter a good boy. I want to pat it on its head like a good doggo. Lol [he said this outloud, like ‘lawl.’]. People say that money can’t buy happiness, but I feel so happy right now. Happiness to the moon! Haha. Chungus! Free speech! People should be able to say anything they want. Literally anything other than conversations with each other about trying to unionize. Oh man, I can’t believe I bought so much Twitter! It’s so funny. I can’t wait to see everyone’s reaction to this online. People are going to really freak out. It’s going to be le epic troll face meme! People are gonna love this one. People are gonna think I’m so funny.”
At press time, however, a source close to Twitter revealed that Musk had actually purchased 9.2% of the company’s stock in an attempt to break into his ex-girlfriend Grimes’ private messages to see if she has been flirting with anybody.
VELDIN — Beloved intergalactic heroes Ratchet and Clank were seen leaving a local Gadgetron weapons store with a normal, non-whimsical 9mm handgun this morning, Solana Galaxy sources reported.
“They buy guns all the time, but normally they’re like, wacky guns,” said Captain Quark, a regular ally of the duo. “The guns normally have a fun gimmick, like turning enemies into sheep, or spawning a little robot guy that follows you around and makes jokes. But I guess it’s not out of character for them either? Maybe they’re in a hurry and don’t have the time to kill a guy with a glove that throws cartoony little bombs. I just expect some more pizazz from them, you know?”
Ratchet and Clank declined to comment on the purchase beyond a short statement that said that the public should “respect the pair’s second amendment rights.”
“To be honest, I’m not comfortable fighting them anymore after hearing this,” said Dr. Nefarious. “Sure, they’ve killed hundreds of my minions already with gimmick weapons—I’m fine with that. I don’t mind them sucking twenty of my thyrranoids into a black hole after distracting them with a disco ball gun because that’s playful and goofy. But it takes a while to die after getting shot with a normal gun. You bleed out, and then when you die you shit yourself. Even if you don’t die, you’ll still be crippled for life. That’s not playful or goofy.”
The Gadgetron Corporation has a fourteen-day waiting period for all non-whimsical guns.
“You cannot buy a non-whimsical gun at any of our automated weapon kiosks,” said Gadgetron spokesman Groz Klorprton. “To purchase the Glock 17 9mm Safe-Action pistol, Ratchet and Clank had to present a valid FOID Card to a licensed vendor, pass a background check and attend a three-hour safety instruction course. After the waiting period, they were allowed to take the gun home. This is the standard procedure.”
At the time of writing, Ratchet and Clank’s Instagram page had shared multiple posts about patriotism and gun ownership from the holonet account “Gun Loving Alphas.”
Nintendo recently honored a classic company tradition when they delayed the next Zelda game, Breath of the Wild 2, to Spring 2023. Although a bit disappointing, the news means that other Nintendo games will have a chance to shine this year. One such game is another long-running Open World series, Xenoblade Chronicles 3, which, listen, you’re just gonna have to deal with if you want more good Zelda stuff.
When Xenoblade Chronicles 3 was first announced during that February direct, it was received on Twitter as “more anime bullshit” and “WHY ARE WE GETTING THIS CRAP INSTEAD OF BOTW 2.” After this most recent delay, that question seems more relevant than ever. What is this weird British anime game? And what does it have to do with my precious Breath of the Wild 2? To answer that, it’s important to consider just how influential both the Xenoblade series and Monolith Soft, the studio behind the games, have been in helping the Zelda franchise sport a climber’s bandana and make its way up the mountain that is the Open World Genre.
Climbing Gear Link, or as I like to call him, Midlife Crisis Link.
Here’s a quick rundown on Monolith Soft: Monolith Soft was founded in 1999 by Tetsuya Takahashi, who left Square Enix frustrated with a lack of creative freedom, and was acquired by Nintendo in 2007. There, he created games like Xenoblade Chronicles, about a young blonde-haired man setting off on a journey to rescue his crush from a dark ruler while befriending quirky party members along the way. (OK, so maybe it wasn’t plot-based creative freedom he was looking for). But Xenoblade Chronicles, an ambitious open-world game that embraced exploration and discovery, was a surprise hit in 2010 and after a grassroots campaign, was localized in 2012. Nintendo knew they had talent on their hands, which is why they rewarded the company’s success with the highest honor in game development: working as a support studio for games like Pikmin 3, Splatoon, and Animal Crossing: Happy Home Designer.
But Breath of The Wild needed to be a bold step forward for Nintendo. They could no longer rely on how cool it was that motion controls moved the Master Sword (which everyone admitted was VERY COOL and something they REALLY WANTED in a video game).
If you’re Nintendo, who can help you revitalize a series that has kept roughly the same formula since the Nintendo 64 days? The groundbreaking minds over at Gamefreak? Jesus Christ, no. Nintendo went with Monolith and it was a perfect fit.
So why does this matter? A video game company hired another video game company to work on a video game? Big freakin deal. That’s how video game companies work, I think. I dunno. Why are you trying to get me to like these anime characters with more pockets than a Rob Liefeld drawing?
Well it seems like these Xenoblade games acted as a testing ground for the ideas that were polished up in Breath of the Wild. So if we want Breath of the Wild games to keep getting better, we’re all just going to have to accept that Xenoblade is a vital part of the process.
Only one of these paths ends with you having an anime girlfriend. Choose wisely.
If you like the lush world of Hyrule, filled with mechanical guardians able to one-shot you, you have to thank the original Xenoblade’s lush world of Bionis, filled with Mechon that could not be damaged unless you used a specific ability. If you loved the inventive Zelda quests like Tarry Town, then guess what, you actually need to appreciate the groundwork laid in Xenoblade’s Colony 6 rebuilding quest.
Even the lesser-discussed Xenoblade Chronicles X shares a similar open-world approach to Breath of the Wild by focusing less on the story and more on rewarding the player for exploring the world. And just like Calamity Ganon, Nintendo has also sealed Xenoblade Chronicles X in a hell dimension known as the Wii U. If you don’t believe us that this connection exists, take it from longtime Zelda project manager Eiji Aonuma, who explained in an interview how vital Monolith was in designing the large levels and natural environment present in Hyrule. That’s why Nintendo expanded Monolith’s involvement in the sequel, hiring 40 more people to work on the game at Monolith.
Unfortunately, if you love Breath of the Wild, you gotta accept a few Xenoblades. And yeah, Xenoblade Chronicles is a really goofy series. It can be full of cheesy characters, unnecessarily extra character design, and grunts that sound sexually charged enough for me to mute the game. Let’s hope some of that stuff doesn’t make it into Breath of the Wild2, like the horny sex robot armed with a closet full of maid outfits in Xenoblade Chronicles 2. Or worse, British accents.
Pray that Zelda doesn’t look like this in BOTW 2.
So while it is disappointing that we have a whole year before we can return to Hyrule, perhaps we can look forward to Xenoblade Chronicles 3 giving us an idea of what’s in store. Because they’re gonna be a big part of Breath of the Wild 2 whether you like it or not.
Hey, it’s Dad. How come every time I ask you what you guys did to the dang computer you ignore my text or change the subject or tell me that I don’t understand how Windows works? I have taken out some space in this goddamn nerd website to finally ask you once and for all: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU KIDS DO TO THIS DANG COMPUTER??
I used to be able to get on here and play my poker no problem, now when I get on here my avatar is a man’s ballsack. Who’s done this to me? Did you do this to me? Why have you done this to me? I bet you think this is really funny, don’t you?
I didn’t realize the ballsack thing had happened until I logged on for the weekly game with the fellas, and needless to say, the guys had a field day with my ballsack profile picture. Once the comments began, I went to explain myself in the chat, but the words I typed just automatically changed to “I love my big ballsack face.”
Again, and I’m not certain I have to tell you this part, but the guys were absolutely tickled with that admission. I’m not sure I want to play poker with the guys anymore after this. So, thanks for that, you frickin’ idiots.
I hear you up in the middle of the night downstairs, making snacks and giggling with your friends. I know what you’re doing. You’re getting into my computer and messing with it, and it’s got to stop. I’m gonna take away your phones and Game Boys if you keep it up. Just try me, Mister.
Oh and also, in addition to the poker thing, why and how the heck did someone rename all of my icons? They all got dang typos in them now! What the hell is a ‘resickul bin’? Which one of you brats was messing with this thing? How did you reprogram the spelling on all of these? I’m gonna have to take this whole computer into Circuit City, I just know it. There goes my Saturday.
I’m taking you kids with me. See how you like having your time wasted.
Whoa, okay. I just sent an email to your grandfather, and he called me because he was very upset. I guess there’s now a signature attached to all of my emails that informs the reader that I have renounced Jesus Christ as my personal savior and from now on will be worshiping only myself. I mean, guys, do I need to tell you how much that upset grandpa? Honestly, who made it so the computer said I renounced Christ? Who did it? If you’re not gonna tell me, I’ll just ground all of you. I’m serious.
Editor’s Note: Are you this man’s son? What did you do to his dang computer? Sound off in the comments!!
LOS ANGELES — Social media was buzzing this morning after some weird Star Wars character you’ve never heard of was confirmed to be making their first appearance in an upcoming Disney+ show.
“Holy shit, they’re putting Charb Oohtooo in the new season of Mandalorian, that’s sooooo fucking dope,” said a friend of yours, who swore they weren’t making the character up. “I’m surprised you haven’t you haven’t heard of Charb! You told me you’ve been a Star Wars fan all your life. Didn’t you read the Bespin Nights comics? Or play the Star Wars: Jedi Clone games? Charb is in, like, pretty much all of that stuff.”
Despite what you thought was your overall familiarity with Star Wars and its extended universe, further reading of social media revealed that you were in fact the only one that’s never heard of this character, which appears to have been around for a while?
“Charb Oohtooo LET’S GOOOOOO,” read a tweet from another close friend of yours, one that you’d swear you would remember if they’d said the word ‘Charb’ to you. “Obviously I’m a little worried that they’re bringing one of my favorite characters to life on the screen, but I don’t care, I’m just so excited about the possibility of seeing someone so iconic in the flesh. I really hope they get the casting right. I could see Steve Buscemi being good, but honestly, Channing Tatum could do it, too. Or maybe Angelina Jolie.”
Oddly, every damn last friend of yours was either shocked or disappointed to find out that you’d never picked up on how beloved Charb Oohtooo was.
“You read the Expanded Universe stuff, right?” asked your stepfather, Cal. “No, not the Legends Expanded Universe, you fucking dipshit. I mean the NEW Expanded Universe stuff. If you didn’t watch that Rise of the Shadows show that came on Saturday mornings that you swore was aimed at children, I’m afraid all this Charb stuff is gonna be pretty confusing for you. Poser.”
As of press time, getting caught up with Charb Oohtooo seemed like it was gonna be a whole thing and you just fired up A New Hope again.
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