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Grow Up: Only Children Play Video Games. Real Adults Pay Twitch Streamers to Play Games for Us

Alright children, it’s time we had a tough conversation. You’re not going to like hearing this, but I assure you as a parent and veteran gamer there’s a tough truth you have to hear, and I’d rather you hear it from me than anyone else.

Video games are for children. You’re getting older now, and soon you’ll have to go and get jobs. And then you can use that money to pay a streamer to do some gaming for you. Understand? Welcome to the grown up world, kiddos. 

Now, I knew you’d be upset, that’s why I wanted to warn you now, when you still had a few good years left. You won’t have to just pull the plug one day. No, gaming just sort of slowly winds its way out of your life. You won’t realize it, but one day you’ll find yourself retweeting a game trailer or getting mad about someone’s opinion about a Fallout game and it’ll hit you; I haven’t played a video game in months. 

Adults don’t have the time to play video games. What they do have is an endless amount of screens that things can be apathetically viewed in the brief moments between obligations. So think long and hard about the games you’d like to play yourself, because pretty soon, you’re going to be at the mercy of whatever your favorite streamer is playing. And god help you if they get stuck on some popular thing you don’t like. But hey, no one ever said being an adult was going to be easy, right?

What’s what? Why don’t you use the money you make to buy a system of your own? And some games? I don’t know, why don’t you take the water bill money down to the local candy store and spend it all on Whatchamacallits! Because that’s not the way the world works, that’s why! 

Do you have half a grand to spend on a modern gaming system? Well great, because if you’re a homeowner, you almost certainly could spend that money on a much needed improvement or fix to your home. Same goes for your car. I’d love to have played Returnal by now, children, I really would. But remember when you wanted to feed the car soda? That was daddy’s last hope of ever playing something that came out past 2015. It’ll happen to you. 

So yeah, it’s hard as an adult to justify spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars on a childish hobby. You’ve got to do the grown up thing. Support some independent businesses. Subscribe to some Patreons and forget about them until they go through every month. Hire some gamers to game for you. It’s that or nothing, kid.