KYOTO, Japan — Shigeru Miyamoto shocked fans today by announcing that, after over forty years of serving as a titan of the gaming industry, Nintendo would be shuttering its doors. When pressed for a reason why, Miyamoto cited that Mario had finally done everything.
“What else could he possibly do,” Miyamoto said. “After driving a go-kart, golfing, and being at the Olympics, we think it best to just close down and quit while we’re ahead. Mario is a beloved character, but nobody would want to play a game where Mario does something incredibly esoteric, and if a large quantity of people would jump at the chance to play a game in which, say, an elderly Mario takes a slow, methodical stroll around the aquarium, then we still should shut down. Nobody should want that.”
Nintendo CEO Doug Bowser elaborated on why the iconic company is finally closing down.
“My son has traveled far, it is time to lay him to rest,” Bowser said. “He has traveled very far, but now Mario weeps, for there are no more worlds left to conquer. Consoles, sequels, stockholders, this all feels so insignificant now. Mario is done. We’re done. Our journey together has come to an end. Your Eshop points will not be refunded.”
“Plus, it will make it a lot easier for kids to be able to tell when someone is lying by saying their uncle works at Nintendo, so that’s nice,” he added. “No one works at Nintendo anymore.”
Self-proclaimed Nintendo Superfan Micah Hurwitz expressed his sorrow to see the company close down.
“I wasted so much time complaining about Nintendo not doing the exact thing I wanted,” Hurwitz said. “I should have just appreciated the things they did do, and blindly worship and defend them online with unflinching brand loyalty. Whether I was telling developers at Nintendo to kill themselves for not announcing the new game I wanted, or telling people online to kill themselves for even slightly criticizing Nintendo, I’ll miss this amazing company that I hate so much.”
At press time, Nintendo announced that even though they were completely finished with the character of Mario, they would still take joy in seeing fans continue to make their own Mario games and art, and coming down on them with swift, harsh legal action.
If you were between 9 and 19 with internet access in the early 2000s, you probably remember (or were at least aware of) Homestar Runner. For the uninitiated, Homestar Runner was a web series of flash cartoons known for its absurdist humor and distinct voice acting. The highly quotable nature of the show, most notably the Strong Bad Emails, became kind of a pre-meme meme amongst the throngs of young people religiously checking the site for updates. There are plenty of Twitter threads dedicated to which Homestar Runner phrases worked their way into your daily vernacular to prove it. (Mine are “the jibblies” and “consummate v’s.”)
Homestar Runner also had an entire section of the site dedicated to original games, many of which were shockingly good considering they were made by two brothers just like, for their strange ad-free cartoon website. Having spent an insane number of hours playing these games sometime around 8th grade, I have taken it upon myself to create the ultimate ranking, mostly so I have an excuse to play them again.
(Some quick housekeeping: I am only counting the playable games released under the “Videlectrix” moniker. The creators of Homestar Runner have, since the late 2000s, released a series of standalone episodic games called Strong Bad’s Cool Game for Attractive People, and a few itch.io entries. I’ve not played those, so I can’t speak to their quality.)
#20. Old Games
“Old Games” refers to a collection of quick n’ easy little games that were on the site in its infancy. These are more like Homestar Runner themed games as opposed to games that exist within the Homestar Runner universe, if that makes sense. They’re fine, but you and I both know that’s not what we’re here for.
#19. Marshie’s Malloween Mix-Up
Listen man, I fuckin’ hate the Marshie character. Something about them really just freaks me right out. And Strong Bad agrees, stating all Marshie content should be rated NC-17 for “Needlessly Creepy times 17.”I also am pretty horrible at Ikaruga-style “color” games like this; they scramble my little lizard brain. Since I’m the only one putting this ranking together, I get to declare that this game sucks. Sorry.
#18. 50k Race Walker
Though the concept of Race Walk is funny — you can’t go too fast, else you get a fault — just alternating left and right arrow keys is too boring to justify the laugh. It kind of reminds me of QWOP in that it is designed specifically to annoy me, personally, and once again my opinion is the only thing that matters right now. You got that, editor?
(Editor’s note: Yeah fine, I don’t know what any of this shit means.)
#17. Population: Tire
God, these fucking cursor bouncy games that were all the rage in the browser-gaming era blow ass. This is actually a rare example of a game I loved as a kid, but revisiting it gave me agita. It is definitely satisfying to get a nice string of bounces going, but the thrill is short-lived and the likelihood of irritation is not. Also, there’s a Wii version of this game for some reason, which isn’t really doing it any favors.
#16. Make-O Your Own Stinko
I’m not quite sure it qualifies as a game, hence the lowish rank. This is a StinkoMan comic panel generator that could be construed as a dress-up game I guess? It originated as an easter egg in the Strong Bad Email “web comics,” but was added to the Games menu shortly after. I love pixel art in general, so it’s an easy sell for me. But not exactly what one thinks of when they think of Homestar Runner games, so it’s sitting down here on the list.
#15. Kid Speedy
I wasn’t able to replay this one as the game is busted on the current HSR site. I remember it being fine, but not awesome. I do love the concept of “don’t get last place,” but the whole “junk food slows you down” thing is a little cringe in 2022. There’s a joke somewhere in here about dairy and how that actually speeds you up when you have to take a shit but I’m too lazy to really get it together.
#14. Pigs on Head
Ah, Pigs on Head. A good old fashion stackin’ stuff game. As the name suggests, you just stack pigs on someone’s head. Elegant. Timeless. Easy, but not too easy. Not stupidly frustrating or cheap either, and it has a distinct visual style that is different from many of the other games on this list.
#13. Secret Collect
Secret Collect is an Atari-style top-down game where you, a red square that represents Strong Bad, use the arrow keys to collect squares that are not Strong Bad. Each level is a simple maze with a distinct end point and a few obstacles, including squares that increase your speed. This is a surprisingly good time, and scratches the fast-paced VVVVVV itch without the maddening difficulty.
#12. RhinoFeeder
In RhinoFeeder, Strong Bad needs to feed a rhino while dodging snakes. It’s a delightfully dumb concept, it has straightforward mechanics, and it’s a good way to waste 20 minutes. Also, this will just make you think “no step on snek” to yourself until you eventually have to make yourself stop and get some fucking work done, Colleen.
#11. Where’s Egg
Okay, this one surprised me. Your goal as a 8-bit detective is to, uh, locate an egg that one of your suspects is hiding. It’s a “one tells only truths” puzzle combined with some simple investigative map-hopping. The branding/theme is also Soviet Russian, so that lends itself to some good fake translation goofs. And like, philosophically….where is egg, really? Deep stuff.
#10. Dangeresque Roomisode 1: Behind the Dangerdesque
Strong Bad as a character would definitely be into the noir thing, and it wound up being the perfect vehicle for a LucasArts-style single-room adventure. Danger-desque (get it?) is a later entry that I don’t recall playing much as I was in high school at this point, but I do remember finding all of the very asinine ways to get a Game Over a hoot. And for some reason, I really want to watch the Big Lebowski now.
(note: I watched a walkthrough of this as it is not yet supported by the Ruffle flash emulator)
#9. Hall Runner
A solid combination of vector graphics and text-adventure mechanics: dodge shit and answer “obstacle quizzes” from various enemies. You’re given three choices every time you encounter an obstacle: jump, fight, or talk, and are awarded points according to the success of your pick. The catch is that you don’t know what the obstacle is until after you’ve chosen your action, so it winds up leaving a bit more to fate than I usually like in a game, but this is a pretty good time.
I too tend to jump, fight, or talk to my enemies regardless of type or status. This explains why I’m playing Homestar Runner games by myself instead of having friends.
#8. Duck Guardian I
Duck Guardian I is one of the longer Homestar Runner games, with 33 waves to beat. As you may have suspected, your goal is to guard the ducks from a variety of falling enemies and usher them to safety. The right blend of tricky, silly, and kind of cool to tick all the boxes. But Jesus fucking Christ, man, this gets stressful. Look at this little pixel ducky and tell me you’re not invested emotionally and will totally not need therapy after it inevitably dies.
Rest in Peace, Lil’ Durck.
#7. StrongBadZone
Quoted regularly by me to this day. No notes.
#6. Awexome Cross
Awexome Cross is a crappy side-scroller where you time jumps using the spacebar, but for some reason I totally love this game. It’s way too short to be this high on the list but I can’t help it. It’s goofy, fast, and addictive as anything, and you play as The Cheat, who is my favorite HSR character. I still have a hoodie from 2004 that I bought with my own money that has The Cheat on it, though it definitely has dry rot and I should probably just cut him out and use it as a very punk back patch or something. He deserves a place of honor.
#5. Thy Dungeonman I and II
I’m a sucker for a text adventure. Your goal is simple: get ye flask. A perfect combination of stupid, funny, and direct. I grouped the first two Thy Dungeonman’s into one because they play virtually the same; they’re more like episodes of the same game rather than distinct titles. These are shockingly immersive and have that quintessential Homestar Runner weirdness while still working within the confines of the genre they’re parodying.
#4. Thy Dungeonman III
TDIII is mechanically very similar to I and II with the addition of some great retro graphics. That’s enough for a bump in ranking. Come on, look at this opening screen!
ohoho, thou art tied up with ropes, eh?
#3. TROGDOR!
Trogdor is perhaps the Strong Bad Email that has the most cultural reach – even people who aren’t super familiar with the HSR universe probably remember the Trogdor the Burninator song.
The Trogdor game is very simple: stomp on peasants, but not knights, which will one-hit kill you. That’s it. There’s a surprising amount of levels in this game, even though the schtick is very straightforward. But man, this game can get its one-beefy armed claws into you and then you’ve been playing for an hour when you’re supposed to be writing a ranking. And then you’re desperately Googling to see whether or not you made up the fact that the Trogdor song was in Guitar Hero and HOLY SHIT?
(note: this one you can only play an html 5 version of which I accessed through the disturbingly complete Homestar Runner Wiki, which I used to frequently edit from the family computer.)
#2. StinkoMan 20X6
StinkoMan is a Mega-Man clone that has all your standard 2D platformer mechanics, with some very fun anime panache and a truly bangin’ soundtrack. This shit is well-made, decently-long for a browser game, and just challenging enough to drive a 13-year-old insane. I personally put enough hours into this game that I think my mother was looking for a therapist for me because of it.
The 10th and final level was actually released in 2021 after a 12-year gap, and a worthy end to such a delightful saga. They also added a “new” mode vs the “classic” mode, which adds mid-level checkpoints and more health for those looking to not tear their hair out playing this fucking thing. Cannot recommend this enough.
Bonus points: there is a Minus World!
#1: Peasant’s Quest
Peasant’s Quest is at the top of my ranking for a number of reasons. It has, in my opinion, the exact perfect mix of being a genre homage and making fun of said genre at the same time. The overly-complex and obtuse fantasy RPG is a great target for this, because while these types of games were extremely influential and important to many people, the fact of the matter is that you legitimately cannot beat most of those games without a manual. I played Peasant’s Quest a few times as a kid and you can bet your ass I used a walkthrough. I have a very distinct memory of finishing Peasant’s Quest for the first time, only to realize I had collected 149/150 points. I was infuriated. Apparently, you get a secret point by closing a drawer in a house early on.
The creators also consider Peasant’s Quest to be their greatest achievement. I’m inclined to agree. The game uses a fairly direct copy of the Sierra AGI engine (used in King’s Quest, the title’s namesake) and the Brothers clearly did all the work of rebuilding it out of love. The music, the setting, the truly hysterical dialogue, and the fact that your character is named Rather Dashing all come together for a slam dunk. And as a bonus, you get some in-universe continuity, as your entire titular Quest is to seek revenge on — you guessed it — The Burninator himself.
Play the games (well, some of them–a handful are busted) here thanks to the Ruffle Flash emulator.
SEATTLE — Little Wooden Valley, an independent video game about a couple building a cabin on a lake, has seemingly inspired the most toxic community on the internet.
“These people say they love our little slice of life simulator,” said Allison Frasier, one half of the husband-and-wife duo that made Little Wooden Valley. “And we’ve been so grateful for the enthusiastic reaction to our little game. But then when we announced a slight change to some of the prices you can sell fish for in town, we were doxxed, swatted, and had a brick thrown through our window. So you know, we kept the fishing stuff the same after that.”
This is just the most recent such incident of a whimsical game’s fandom proving surprisingly noxious, after Return to Monkey Island developer Ron Gilbert swore off communicating with the public at large following unpleasant interactions with fans after the upcoming game debuted its latest trailer.
“Yeah, dude got one look at the modern gaming landscape and saw what he needed to see,” said Conrad Bess, a Monkey Island fan that didn’t feel compelled to harass the creator of the series recently. “It breaks my heart, but I completely understand it. Still not as bad as these fucking maniacs that play Little Wooden Valley, though. I don’t know what happened there.”
The makers of Little Wooden Valley have held firm that they would do their best to listen to all members of the community, even if some messages are more intense than others.
“We want everyone to enjoy our game, really we do,” said Brad Frasier, Allison’s husband and the co-developer of Little Wooden Valley. “So when people tell us what they’d like to see, we do our best to listen. It’s just that, sometimes the requests are coming via unhinged emails to our personal accounts or scrawled in burning letters in my parent’s backyard. Maybe just leave us some feedback on Steam or something? That would be preferred. Let’s just all chill out, okay?”
As of press time, Little Wooden Valley had been review bombed on Steam when someone noticed a rainbow in the game if you know where to look for it.
AUSTIN — In an effort to change the narrative surrounding Tesla’s layoffs, return-to-office ultimatums, and perpetual controversy around its CEO Elon Musk, Tesla issued a company-wide email announcing that all employees are now permitted to bring the children they have had with Musk to work with them.
“We recognize how difficult this pandemic has been for our working parents and we are committed to providing some much-needed relief,” said Director of Human Resources Alexis Kornman when reached for comment. “Effective immediately, Tesla will provide free on-site childcare to all employees with children under the age of 5 sired by our Chief Executive Officer. Every company likes to brag that they are one big family, but Elon is really putting in the work.”
According to sources within the company, the response from Tesla employees has been overwhelmingly positive.
“This is great news! I can’t tell you how many of my coworkers are going to benefit from this progressive policy. I mean, even if I knew the exact number, I’m legally not allowed to tell you,” said Senior Tunnel-Rebranding Technician Rob Munney. “I don’t have any children with Mr. Musk, so it would be nice if I could bring my children to work who aren’t his. Especially because we don’t really get much paternity leave or money for childcare, so I just have to find a place for them to be. But this is cool too, I guess.”
Tesla CEO Elon Musk took to Twitter today to voice his support for Tesla’s new childcare policy.
“Shout out to my work-slash-actual fam for helping me tackle two of the existential threats facing humanity: climate change and population collapse. All of my offspring can now observe Tesla’s commitment to excellence up close, sheltered from the corrupting influence of pedos and the woke mob, as they wait to take their rightful place beside me as the ruling elite on Mars,” Musk tweeted along with an uncredited meme featuring the Game of Thrones family tree with his face pasted on every character.
At press time, Tesla is reportedly filing new SEC paperwork that would allow Elon Musk to convert his accrued paternity leave into stock options currently valued at 11 trillion dollars.
Monster Hunter Rise: Sunbreak released last week, and everyone in the Minus World office has been playing it religiously since last Thursday — and by everyone at the office, I mean just me. We don’t have an office and no one wants to play with me.
I’m not ashamed to admit I ignored work emails, calls, the holiday weekend, and desperate messages from my family wondering if I was OK in order to get in some good quality monster smacking time. Now, a solid week after release, I was finally forced to tear myself away from it after my “boss” threatened to “fire me” if we didn’t get a review out by the end of the week (I honestly don’t know if this website has a boss or if anyone works here at all).
After spending dozens of hours playing it, I can give Minus World’s official recommendation that Monster Hunter Rise: Sunbreak is what we all need to collectively hyperfixate on for the next few weeks, and subsequently burn ourselves out on and try not to think about the days of lost time sunk into it.
Since our review copy must have gotten lost in the mail (hey Capcom), I started my review at Master Rank 5 after fighting Shagaru Magala, which was around 30-35 hours into the expansion. This is on top of the time I’ve put into it after the initial Switch release (oh god, it was 103 hours) and after 15 hours speeding through the Rise main campaign on PC in preparation for the Sunbreak release. I’m only listing this so I can give context, credibility, and to somehow justify the multiple days of my life spent playing Monster Hunter: Rise as having a greater purpose.
I want to take time to clarify now: I love Sunbreak. More Monster Hunter is always a good thing, and Sunbreak delivers with more monsters to hunt, more maps to hunt monsters on, more armor and weapons to hunt monsters with, and more ways to prepare to hunt those monsters. You’ll probably need to have a wiki page or two or twelve open to keep track of it all. It’s wonderfully overwhelming, which makes it all the more satisfying when everything clicks and you realize how it all fits together.
Monster Hunter has always been easy to fall in love with. You pour your heart and soul into it for about two weeks, then slowly drift away while realizing this amount of time probably isn’t healthy. You’ll break up and move on for a little while, returning for a hook-up or two every couple of months when you hear something new has been added, until eventually you move onto the newer, sexier Monster Hunter that’ll get released in a year or so.
That’s why I’m advocating now, while the iron is still hot, that we all collectively decide to put unhealthy amounts of time into Sunbreak for the next little while. It deserves to be the next cultural obsession, until we all decide to move on and focus on Xenoblade Chronicles 3 or whatever.
Plus, Monster Hunter is most fun when you and your friends get together to beat the shit out of a large bat, who was previously just minding its own business.
Sunbreak brings plenty of newer, shiner additions to Rise that can help support us all developing this unhealthy little obsession. The hunts are still fun and have a bit more added complexity with new endemic life and wirebugs. The minutiae of planning a hunt is fleshed out even more with new food options and expanded buddy features, and the new follower quests are a delight and a great way to give a little more life to the NPCs.
The story is nothing to write home about, mainly because every recent Monster Hunter release has fallen into the same exact story beat. Oh, you’re telling me some outside force is affecting the monsters, making them more aggressive? I definitely have never heard anything exactly like that happening before in a Monster Hunter game.
Even if the story is weak, it’s not something I’m going to detract from Sunbreak itself. People don’t flock to Monster Hunter to get an enriching storyline or to heavily invest themselves in the characters. The story serves its purpose well, and its purpose is to give a valid reason for us to go out into nature to beat the everloving shit out of the wildlife.
Speaking of, beating the everloving shit out of said wildlife is exactly what hooks you in hard to Sunbreak. Whether it’s the fast paced nature of the hunts themselves, or the downtime prepping for a hunt and designing a new build, it’s incredibly easy to get addicted and fall into the “just one more hunt” mentality until you notice it’s 4am and you have six missed calls wondering why you didn’t show up to work yesterday.
Monster Hunter Rise was already included in the list of games that I have an embarrassingly high amount of hours into, and Sunbreak adds even more for me to comfortably recommend that we should all be consumed body and soul by it for the next 14-21 days.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to call my mom and explain why I missed dad’s funeral.
AUSTIN, Texas —Local man Kenneth Cochry, 27, has the distinctive Triforce design from the Legend of Zelda series permanently inked onto his left arm, despite the fact that he is reportedly neither courageous, nor powerful, nor wise.
“I would not in a million years use the word ‘courageous’ to describe him,” said Kenneth’s roommate, Rachel Graff, right in front of him in an assertion of his blatant lack of courage. “I’ve known Kenneth since middle school, and this dude’s a total pussy. What? Are you gonna stand up for yourself? No? Didn’t think so.”
According to those familiar with the situation, Cochry’s lack of courage, power, and wisdom can clearly be linked to his past. Pitying sources say that the weak, dumb coward still doesn’t know how to do his own laundry and can still be seen bringing loads home to his parent’s house in suitcases every other weekend.
“Kenneth’s mother and I really regret letting him get that damn video game tattoo,” said Kenneth’s father, Bill Cochry, as he moved his son’s clothes from the washer to the dryer. “If the kid was wise enough, he’d get it removed with lasers so he can be buried in the same cemetery as his grandparents like we’ve been planning. I’ve been withholding his allowance for a few months to teach him a lesson, so I’m sure he’ll wise up soon.”
“And in a situation against Ganon? Heh. Don’t even get me started,” Bill Cochry added. “Kid’s no Hero of Time, that’s for sure.”
Kenneth’s soon-to-be ex-girlfriend, Darby Patters, has publicly come forward and issued him an ultimatum to turn his life around in three days or watch her leave.
“Today’s the dawn of the first day. 72 hours remain for him to get his shit together or I’m leaving,” said Darby as her boyfriend left in a hurry to hot-box the car and calm his nerves. “It’s really sad what he’s become, honestly. He’s a shell of the man I once fell in love with. He has no heart left. It’s really clear, too, that it all started with that huge mistake of a Zelda tattoo. I hope he gets help, I really do.”
When asked for a comment, Kenneth yelled and spun around in a way that would have been alarming if it didn’t seem identical to the way Link acts when he loses all his hearts.
LOS ANGELES — After years of meticulous research and testing to prove the feasibility of the moonshot scientific experiment, executives at Universal Pictures announced today that they have cloned scripts for a dozen new unproduced Jurassic World movies from the DNA of the original Jurassic Park movie’s single good idea.
“It really is a marvel of technology,” said Regina Sharpe, head of the Bioengineering Laboratory at Georgia Tech University. “In the past, some labs have been able to clone small mammals, such as lambs, but this pioneering team at Universal has managed to extract the DNA of a single 29-year-old movie and make a dozen identical copies of it; the only observable defects being the fact that they are not very good or interesting. Still, they’re more or less identical to the original, which is quite impressive.”
Producers at Universal Studios were eager to explain the original motivations for the project.
“For years they told me I was a mad-man, a fool, a heretic!” claimed Robert Foot, President of Distribution at Universal. “They said it couldn’t be done, and that we should let the dead franchises of the world stay dead. But I’ve done it! I’ve created a dozen new summer blockbusters with a wave of my arm, and have hundreds more ready to be released unto the world at my command!”
Despite repeated attempts to calm Foot down, he continued his impassioned speech professing his love of the craft of filmmaking and the world of the Jurassic Park franchise specifically.
“God is a coward! In 1997 I sewed a bird’s wings onto a frog so it could fly! They both died, but in that instant I knew the very sinews of life itself were at my command!”
At press time, Foot could still be heard muttering to himself in his office about 45 Goodfellas sequels he was planning to bring to life that afternoon.
KYOTO, Japan — An interview with legendary game developer Shigeru Miyamoto has revealed a shocking bit of trivia, that the iconic Super Nintendo game Super Mario Kart was originally going to be titled Mario’s Race War.
“It doesn’t sound that bad in Japanese, you see,” said Miyamoto. “Minzoku Funsō. I liked it! But it was explained to me at the time that this adorable game about friends racing go karts with each other was about to be saddled with quite possibly the worst name we could give it in English. I’m so glad we caught the error, as we still continue to make entries to the Mario’s Race War series today!”
“Super Mario Kart, excuse me,” Miyamoto corrected himself. “I still think of it as Mario’s Race War. It’s really a great title if you get past the whole ‘race war’ thing.”
Fans were surprised by the news, and understood Nintendo’s decision.
“Oh yeah, that makes total sense,” said Ed Littlefield, a longtime fan of the Mario Kart series. “I don’t think my mom would have gotten us Mario’s Race War for Christmas in 1992 had that been the way it all went down. My dad? Well, that’s another story. That definitely would have disrupted the tone of the game a little bit. I’m really glad they didn’t call it Mario’s Race War.”
The announcement put Nintendo’s employees in an unenviable position of addressing the controversial working title.
“We here at Nintendo would just like to clarify that at no point were Nintendo, Mario, or any of the associated Mario characters in any way supporting or advocating the idea of a race war. Not even Wario,” said Doug Bowser, president of Nintendo of America, in a hastily produced Nintendo Direct: Addressing Mario’s Race War video. “Nintendo has always aimed to be a family friendly company, and as such, we would never want to conjure the thought of a race war while playing some friendly co-op.”
Miyamoto issued a further statement earlier this afternoon, saying he was “double glad” they decided to change the weapons in Super Mario Kart into turtle shells and banana peels, and not the original plan of human feces and flaming bibles.
When you think of crabs you may think of those small pinchy little fellows on the beach, or a nice dinner at Red Lobster with Memaw. But when I think of crabs, I think of valiant soldiers, little war machines scuttling around the ocean floor. They’re the coolest dudes in the sea and that’s saying something considering that narwhals exist.
It’s high time that these bad boys get their due, but I’m no nature writer. Video games are my beat, not marine biology. You wouldn’t ask David Attenborough to write an op-ed about Kratos (even though I would read the hell out of that). If I want to get an article about crabs greenlit around here, my options are pretty limited. With that in mind, here’s a list of the top 10 crabs in video games. I don’t want to hear any debates about how well I ranked the crabs. Just let me have this.
#10 — Pathfinder: Rise of the Runelords’ Giant Hermit Crab
Okay you got me, “hermit crabs aren’t technically crabs.”. I get it, you absolute nerd. However this dude is so rad he gets a place here anyways. Sporting a giant gold helmet like some sort of undersea royalty, he awaits at the bottom of a pit ready to ambush any adventurers who stumble on his home. As a long time Pathfinder DM I’ve seen more than my share of fragile small casters get brutalized by this vicious boy with his grapple attacks and d6+5 damage. CR5 encounters get a whole lot cooler with this bad boy tagging along.
#9 — Old School RuneScape’s Sand Crabs
This next crab is one that any Old School RuneScape player knows and loves. The sand crab is the de facto training method for your combat skills. The whole idea is that you can kill a million of these little suckers while binging a show or reading a list of the top 10 crabs in video games. No other crab has as much screen time as these lads. The only downside is sometimes an asshole wearing a cabbage cape named Ub3rW3in3r will come along and take your spot – but that’s less a problem with the crab itself, and more a humanity issue.
#8 — Drakengard 3’s Big, Juicy Crab
Just the name “Big, Juicy Crab” is enough to invoke a feeling of joy from any self respecting crab lover and I’m here to tell you this one does not disappoint. Sporting a decrepit ship on its back, this mega-sized fucker makes the real-life coconut crab look like an ant. What makes this big honker so memorable is the fight against it, which is burned into my brain. The entire fight is full of left-field innuendos from gaming’s horniest writers, turning crab into a metaphor for ding-dong. I don’t know why they felt the need to do that, though. Crabs and sex? A bad combo no matter how you snip it.
#7 — Pokémon’s Crabrawler
Newsflash kids: Krabby is for children and has been obsolete for years. It’s 2022 time to catch up. Crabrawler is for the real crab-heads out there. From his well groomed head to his cool calm demeanor, you know this guy means business with those big-ass clubs he calls pincers. He wouldn’t hesitate to knock Mike Tyson flat on his ass. The only reason this crab critter isn’t higher up is because he chooses to show mercy to his victims by concealing his pinchers in gloves. I respect it, but I want to see blood.
#6 — Freddi Fish and the Case of the Missing Kelp Seeds’ Herman
Herman is the only video game crab I know of who himself is a gamer. Sporting a sick RGB shell, two mega sized pinchers, and a smile that could charm even the most conservative clams, Herman is a legend among the ocean. For those of you who aren’t up to date on your Freddi Fish lore, Herman tells Freddi that he cannot sleep, presumably because his Razer Chroma shell is too bright and it’s keeping him awake (a problem we can all relate to). Rather than finding a replacement himself, he gets Freddi to do it for him like a true gamer. For this, Herman earns a spot on my list.
#5 — Kenshi’s Crab and Crab Raiders
“We crabbed are open minded people. Prove yourself. We have enemies in The Pits. Prove your loyalty to the crabs, and they will do so in return.”
Finally a religion that both A) worships crabs and B) Doesn’t remove bodily autonomy. Crab Raiders are kind people who will let you into their towns to shop and trade. They’ll even let you set up a town on their land, though you may have to prove your loyalty to their crab queen. You can do this by simply volunteering to let the crab raiders assault your town with their giant Megacrabs. These are giant mutated fortresses of red chitin and pure rage and mount a terrifying offense. Your reward? You are blessed with the ability to own your own crab friends and don the holy chitin gear of the great ones. Crab companions in Kenshi may be slow, but who cares? What other game lets you hire a crab as your muscle?
#4 — Metal Slug 3’s Huge Hermit
Yeah, yeah, it’s another hermit crab but hear me out: This guy is fucking awesome so I don’t care. Metal Slug 3 is a masterclass in spritework and animation, so it’s saying a lot that I think nothing could top such a beautiful monstrosity, a melding of crustacean and machine. Except well, maybe three other crabs.
#3 — Terraria (Calamity Mod)’s Crabulon
Calamity is one of Terraria’s biggest and best mods available. It adds tons of new content, items, and bosses. This blue mushroom adorned snippy boy just happens to be one of those bosses. He’ll throw you for a spin, spawning mushrooms and generally just scuttling around like a badass. To engage in combat with this crab is nothing short of joy, especially because the fight has some of my all time favorite music from any game that fellow crab lovers should have on the aux at all times.
#2 — Genji: Days of the Blade’s Giant Enemy Crab
Back in 2006 during the Sony E3 press conference, Genji producer (and fellow crab fan) Bill Ritch claimed that Genji 2’s battles were based on “famous battles which actually took place in ancient Japan.” However, in a stellar turn of events, he introduced the “giant enemy crab.” Laugh it up all you want, as many have over the years, but true crab enthusiasts know that if the US military started strapping guns on the back of shells, it’d be all over for us all.
#1 — Monster Hunter’s Shogun Ceanataur
This is peak crab: no outside construction, no performance enhancing drugs, no mercy. Our beloved Shogun is the perfect blend of anime tropes and big crab combat we all love. Sporting a huge shell which it can leave or replace at any time, lightning fast attacks, and two claws that are a match for even the sharpest katana, the Shogun leaves nothing but shreds in its wake. Originally from Monster Hunter 2 the crab king returns in Sunbreak, the new expansion for Monster Hunter: Rise. Don’t even try to slay it. Just lay down your life.
PERRYSBURG, Ohio — Sources have confirmed local man Cam Briscoll is proud of his recent garage sale, blissfully unaware of just how much of his terrible personality and taste he is currently showing off to his neighbors.
“It’s been a while since I cleaned my house, and the pandemic really made me want to do nothing but stay inside and do puzzles while listening to podcasts,” explained Briscoll, 35, who held the garage sale to get rid of various cluttered objects which had previously offered his house guests far too much insight into the sad and despondent life he lives. “But it’s time to free up some space in my house and let other people enjoy these things that once brought me so much comfort.”
The garage sale, which has been going on in phases for the past 3 weekends, includes various items for sale including a hand-refurbished toaster, a stack of dog-eared World War 2 books, and several scantily-clad anime girl figurines. Briscoll says he’s already made $172 selling items that Goodwill refused for various reasons.
“I know the money isn’t the point, you have a garage sale to just get rid of stuff. I’m glad I can turn my profit around and put the money to good use. And most importantly, now that my house is decluttered I’m only going to spend money on important things that I want around for a really long time. Like have you seen that new collector’s edition Tifa figurine where she’s bending over really low? This money isn’t enough to cover the cost of an important lifelong purchase like that, but every cent helps.”
At press time, Briscoll was busy assisting an angry customer who wanted a refund on a previously purchased copy of Lolita on VHS.
Just the name “Big, Juicy Crab” is enough to invoke a feeling of joy from any self respecting crab lover and I’m here to tell you this one does not disappoint. Sporting a decrepit ship on its back, this mega-sized fucker makes the real-life coconut crab look like an ant. What makes this big honker so memorable is the fight against it, which is burned into my brain. The entire fight is full of left-field innuendos from gaming’s horniest writers, turning crab into a metaphor for ding-dong. I don’t know why they felt the need to do that, though. Crabs and sex? A bad combo no matter how you snip it.
Newsflash kids: Krabby is for children and has been obsolete for years. It’s 2022 time to catch up. Crabrawler is for the real crab-heads out there. From his well groomed head to his cool calm demeanor, you know this guy means business with those big-ass clubs he calls pincers. He wouldn’t hesitate to knock Mike Tyson flat on his ass. The only reason this crab critter isn’t higher up is because he chooses to show mercy to his victims by concealing his pinchers in gloves. I respect it, but I want to see blood.
Herman is the only video game crab I know of who himself is a gamer. Sporting a sick RGB shell, two mega sized pinchers, and a smile that could charm even the most conservative clams, Herman is a legend among the ocean. For those of you who aren’t up to date on your Freddi Fish lore, Herman tells Freddi that he cannot sleep, presumably because his Razer Chroma shell is too bright and it’s keeping him awake (a problem we can all relate to). Rather than finding a replacement himself, he gets Freddi to do it for him like a true gamer. For this, Herman earns a spot on my list. 
“We crabbed are open minded people. Prove yourself. We have enemies in The Pits. Prove your loyalty to the crabs, and they will do so in return.”
Back in 2006 during the Sony E3 press conference, Genji producer (and fellow crab fan) Bill Ritch claimed that Genji 2’s battles were based on “famous battles which actually took place in ancient 
This is peak crab: no outside construction, no performance enhancing drugs, no mercy. Our beloved Shogun is the perfect blend of anime tropes and big crab combat we all love. Sporting a huge shell which it can leave or replace at any time, lightning fast attacks, and two claws that are a match for even the sharpest katana, the Shogun leaves nothing but shreds in its wake. Originally from Monster Hunter 2 the crab king returns in Sunbreak, the new expansion for Monster Hunter: Rise. Don’t even try to slay it. Just lay down your life.
