NYPD Finally Gets Confession From Serial Killer Thanks to Unorthodox New Interrogator

Posted on by Camden Brazile

NEW YORK — The New York Police Department received a signed confession from the notorious ‘Parking Lot Butcher,’ a serial killer with a bodycount of fourteen, thanks to a no-nonsense new interrogator named Sean Evans who presses his perps with hot questions and even hotter wings. 

“Hey what’s going on everybody? For the New York City Police Department, I’m Sean Evans and this is an official police investigation,” Evans began with cold stoicism, according to those familiar with the situation. “He’s a famed human mutilator whose work has been featured on police scanners everywhere, and according to his crude journals he has big plans for the mayor next month, ladies and gentlemen I’m joined today by the Parking Lot Butcher! So first things first, dirtbag: how are you with spicy food?”

Deep into the seven-hour hotwing-laden interrogation, The Butcher expressed his shock at how much Evans already knew about his crimes.

“Wow! How did you know about that body I dumped in the landfill downtown?” The Butcher said. “I didn’t tell anybody about that, you must have really done your research. This is the most impressive police shakedown I’ve ever been a part of.”

Evans’ relentless interrogation yielded amazing and specific results.

“We like to do a little segment at this precinct called ‘Explain that Gram,’ where we show you a photo that needs more context,” Evans said, grabbing his next wing. “This is a photo of you with the murder weapon we found at the scene, would you care to explain that for me?”

When the interrogation came to a close, The Butcher reportedly took a plea deal with the district attorney, providing the names and locations of his accomplices in exchange for not having to do The Last Dab on the final wing. 

Guy With Hobbies, Likes, and Interests Makes It His Whole-Ass Personality

Posted on by Kevin Podas

SUGAR GROVE, Ill. — After accumulating a wealth of hobbies, likes, and interests all suited to his individual flavor palette, local man Grant Monet has allegedly gone and made it his whole entire personality.

“It’s kind of weird,” said Monet’s friend Josh Hanour. “Grant went and got really into the things he likes and enjoys. He’s practically made it his entire personality at this point. But it’s like, without your individual preferences, unique interests, and favorite past-times… who are you, really? It’s really sad. Sorry, but doing all the things in your life that give you joy and make you feel fulfilled are not a personality. Your personality should be built by one thing and one thing only: what media you consume.”

Monet, who has a personality made up of a number of different curiosities, creative pursuits, and interests in social causes, appeared unfettered by the criticisms levied towards him.

“This is just who I am. I may be really into woodworking, 90s alternative rock, and mass-transit systems now, but I’m no different now than I was when I was really into candle-making, cinema from the 1940s, and Indian food,” said Monet. “People are always changing and evolving. I’ll probably be into some other shit next month that you’ll hear about too. Sorry!.”

At press time, those who have taken an interest in Monet’s fickle and ever-changing lifestyle choices have gone and made it their whole entire fucking thing now too.

Local Father Playing Rocket League Just to Enjoy the Free Gas

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

AKRON, Ohio — A local father has fallen headfirst into a Rocket League binge, but it’s not the crossplay or the competitive nature of the game that’s hooked him; it’s the free gasoline. 

“I still can’t believe this!” said Gordon Thorn, local father of three who recently discovered the vehicular soccer game on his son’s PlayStation 4. “When Scotty told me this game was free, I thought he was joking, or that there was a catch. But he was right, it’s free to just drive your truck around in this game!  I brought the stereo in from the garage and have been cranking 103.9 and cruising around the different playing fields just cracking cold ones and tearing ass. My teammates don’t seem very excited about it, but I’m having a blast. And it doesn’t cost me a dime!” 

Thorn’s wife, Nicole, said she was glad her husband found a less expensive way to pass the summer months this year.

“Well, for the past few years, Gordon has gotten into brewing beer or buying a boat, ridiculous hobbies that cost so much more than they were worth” she said. “So if he wants to play Rocket League with a bunch of 12-year-olds, because it gives him the thrill of driving without paying five bucks a gallon, that’s fine by me. I know these games are known for making people angry and toxic, but every time I poke my head in there or bring him a beer, he’s got a smile on his face you wouldn’t believe. Little guy is really having a blast in there.” 

Even Thorn’s son, who’s PlayStation has been all but officially taken over by his father, didn’t mind Gordon’s newfound obsession. 

“Yeah, Dad is on the PlayStation all the time now, but on the bright side he’s really into the fuel economy you get on these games,” said Steve, Gordon’s oldest child. “He bought me a copy of Forza Horizon 5 because I told him even though it was 60 dollars, you just pay that once and you drive around Mexico forever after that, unlimited fuel. He agreed that it would be a bad decision not to buy it after that.” 

As of press time, Thorn had fainted after someone showed him that Lawn Mower Simulator game.

Blockbuster Never Died, It Just Became Every Digital Storefront You Buy Games On

Posted on by Minus World

If you were a child of the ’90s, you probably find yourself nostalgically thinking back on Blockbuster often. You know, the ultimate movie and game rental destination that probably shaped your entire childhood. Maybe you have fond memories of going there as a kid and renting a new game every week. You can probably recall a few times where you had to return a game just as it was getting good. It’s an experience that kids these days just don’t understand.

But what if I told you there was a way to keep the Blockbuster dream alive? In fact, what if I told you you’re probably already doing it right now? Well, I’ve got some great news for you pal: pretty much every digital video game marketplace you use today is Blockbuster. 

That’s because you don’t actually own anything you buy from a service like Steam. You’re just renting it from a company that could revoke your access at any time, just like mom. Isn’t that fun? At least this time you don’t have to go through a judgmental high-school student rolling his eyes as he rings you up the counter.

Players got a nostalgic reminder of that today when Assassin’s Creed Liberation HD was suddenly delisted from Steam at Ubisoft request. Originally, a note on Steam implied that the game would no longer be accessible to players at all come September 1 — even to players who owned it. Ubisoft would quickly walk that part back, but not before reminding us all that that’s a very real thing it could do at any given notice and there’s nothing you can really do about it. That burning hot sensation you’re feeling isn’t hate; it’s just your warm, fuzzy memories coming back to you, I’m sure.

When you buy a game from a service like Steam, you’re actually just entering a licensing agreement. Like a ticket-taker at Disney World, the publisher takes your money and allows you to walk through the front gates. You’re free to run around for as long as they’d like, but they reserve the right to throw you out on the street if you slop down too many Dole Whips — or for no reason at all. If that sounds impossible, make sure to read the user agreement next time you buy a Steam game instead of clicking through it as fast as possible. I know I don’t!

Here’s the part where I’d say “you can get around this by buying games physically,” but you’re still sometimes getting the Blockbuster treatment even then. Did you buy Halo Infinite? No you didn’t! You bought an expensive installation disc that contains no content. You could have bought the fanciest special edition out there and Microsoft still handed you a license saying that you can borrow Master Chief for a little while.

So don’t sit around wishing you could relive the days of falling in love with a game you rented from Blockbuster and then losing it forever once the weekend is up. That’s your entire life now! We’re all kids again asking our mom if we can pick out a new game because we’ve been good. Who says a family can’t be a child and a bunch of corporations that own them?

Ubisoft Debuts Innovative New Way to Frustrate Everybody

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

MONTREUIL, France — Ubisoft revealed a creative new way to make gamers feel disgusted by their actions today, reportedly decommissioning the online servers of single player DLC that players have purchased and downloaded.

“Wow, you really gotta hand it to them,” said Jessica Bloom, a gamer that discovered earlier today that her copy of Assassin’s Creed Liberation would no longer be accessible on Steam after September 1st. “If it isn’t a vile abusive culture that led to a mass exodus of employees over the last two years, it’s delisting games that people have paid for with the assumption they wouldn’t arbitrarily disappear one day. Their commitment to souring the joy we collectively get from video games is almost admirable in a way, you know? Like, it will be studied one day. Those fuckin’ pricks.” 

“The only thing they’re assassinating… is our fun,” she added. “You’re gonna put that in the article, right? Look me in the eyes and tell me you’re gonna put it in the article.”

Representatives from Ubisoft defended their decision, which wasn’t so much announced as it was discovered and shared amongst concerned gamers. 

“Oh, you guys saw that?” asked Mike Schlutsky, an executive with Ubisoft. “Yeah, well the thing about that is we have to remove the servers for all of these old games to make room for, well, and I’m afraid this is the part that is going to get rather boring and technical, but the space required for storing games in the modern era dictates that—”

“Oh shit, what was that? I gotta go climb that wall,” he said unconvincingly, pointing behind gathered reporters, before running away into traffic. 

The story is just the latest to prove abysmal to Ubisoft’s reputation, following years of damning reports about the internal culture at the gaming giant. Some, however, have defended the company’s actions.

“Locking people out of games for no apparent reason makes a lot of sense to me,” said Charles Simmons, a fan of Assassin’s Creed Liberation that was okay with losing the ability to play it soon. “I mean, I paid for the game and enjoyed it for a while, why should I get to keep it forever? Oh, that reminds me, the furniture in here is ten years old, do you think you could help me drag this couch out to my fire pit? I am really grateful that the furniture industry allowed me access to it for a decade. I should give them more of my money now.” 

As of press time, Mike Schlutsky was still at large, and was reportedly last seen loudly berating a woman in the street. 

Devolver Digital’s ‘Cult of the Lamb’ Imagines a Crazy World Where Extreme Religious Beliefs Affect People’s Daily Lives

Posted on by Joseph Stilwell

It’s well known that religion provides a sense of community, mental well-being, and moral principles to many people. But Cult of the Lamb, a new game from developer Massive Monster and publisher Devolver Digital, flips this concept on its head by speculating that religion could be used to justify bad behavior — like controlling and dominating others. Hard to believe, for sure, but Cult of the Lamb crafts such a deliciously spooky narrative that, after playing the game, you might actually believe that extreme religious beliefs could affect someone’s life!

According to the developers of the game, it took a long time to circle around such an outlandish premise.

“We started with something simple, like talking animals. That was really easy,” said a representative from Massive Monster. “But the idea of religious fundamentalists dishing out cruel punishments to their followers for the sake of power? Honestly I’m not even sure how we came up with such a wacky idea.”

“We just thought, what if the biggest psychos among us had a group of dedicated believers, ready to do whatever their leader tells them to? Terrible to imagine, I know, but don’t worry, it’s just a video game,” they continued. “Sometimes it can be really hard to explain the concept because it’s so unfamiliar, but basically, the game lets players use a combination of love, fear, and even straight-up violence, to force their narrow interpretation of religion on as many people as possible. Honestly, sometimes when I play-test, I have to keep reminding myself that it’s fictional.”

Thankfully, Cult of the Lamb is just a work of fiction. It can be scary inhabiting the mind of such a terrible creature, but we can rest assured that this isn’t something that exists in the real world. If you find that playing Cult of the Lamb is too frightening, don’t forget to take breaks! 

And if you’re looking for someone to discuss the game with, we’re even thinking of starting a support group for players out in the middle of a desert where we’ve bought a patch of land and are starting our own self-sufficient community. Just leave your friends, family, and possessions behind, and join us at the Hard Drive Compound, where we’ll chat about games, drink special elixirs, and worship the dark lords. No funny business — it’s gonna be super chill!

Don’t believe us? Check it out for yourself! This article was sponsored by Devolver Digital, which is good news for you, because it means that Cult of the Lamb is a real life video game that you can play in the real life world. Check it out for pre-order on Steam.

Elder Scrolls 6 Delayed After Todd Howard’s Mom Makes Him Play Outside for a While

Posted on by Camden Brazile

ANAHEIM, Calif. — The Elder Scrolls VI, one of the most highly anticipated video game titles for the next few years, was unfortunately delayed by Bethesda’s director Todd Howard after Howard’s mom, Cindy Howard, made him put down his video games and go play outside for a while. 

“But mooooooom,” Howard pleaded as his mother unplugged his dev team’s monitors. “We’re having fun! This is so unfair. You told me I could have the graphics department over today! You’re letting down millions of people. What if I promise to clean my room tonight, can we stay inside? Please? There’s not even anything to do outside. We can’t code, record any voice work, and Timmy O’Donohue’s family went on vacation so we can’t even use their basketball hoop. Ugh, I wish I was staying at Dad’s house this weekend.”

Cindy Howard kept to her word and made sure Todd didn’t spend his whole day cooped up inside.

“Don’t back-talk me, Mr. Man,” Mrs. Howard retorted. “You’re going to do something outside and I don’t want to hear any guff about it. If you want to stay inside so bad, how about I ground you for a week and take away your Alpha test build for a while? That’s what I thought. I don’t care if your Skyrim sold 30 million copies, no son of mine is going to spend all day with his little friends in front of the TV. Look out the window. You see that hill? You can climb it.”

At press time, sources close to Howard reported that the game may be further delayed after he asked his mother if the beta testers could have a sleepover that night, but was unfortunately rebuffed.

Um, Actually Liberty City Has Some of the Strictest Gun Laws in the Country

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Hey everybody, we don’t like to get serious around here, but after the latest tragedy in Liberty City, I’d just like to remind you that they actually have some of the strictest laws about gun ownership in the country, so maybe you’re not making the point you think you are when you say we need to outlaw bazookas and hand grenades from all Ammu-Nation stores across the city. I just wanted to point that out. 

I’m sorry to politicize such a recent tragedy, really I am, but I have to speak up after seeing so many braindead media outlets have the same response to yesterday’s horrific incident, which saw a rogue man in a stolen police van open fire on the city at large for several hours; that it was time to ban the grenade launchers, chain guns, and several other things that he used to perpetrate his crimewave. 

Well, you idiots, did you know those were already illegal for citizens to own in Liberty City? Now what? Should we outlaw bad weather and hope we never have a storm again? Laws aren’t the answer, that’s my point. There are plenty of laws on the books about detonating explosives without the proper permits. Plenty! Did our criminal (who received a free stay at the local hospital by the way — THANK YOU TAXPAYERS) stop and check the laws before he blew up all those cars in the street? So why punish the law abiding munitions hobbyists in town? Because of one local terrorist? You’re joking me. More like Dictatorship City. 

Instituting these new proposed restrictions on buying a whole box of grenades will punish only one group of people; people who are in a really big hurry and also need to get grenades. I don’t think punishing people that just got invited on a last minute hunting trip or are maybe trying to play a really good practical joke is the best response to yesterday’s attack. The two things are simply unrelated.

So just to be clear, laws aren’t the answer, clearly. It’s not a problem with the laws in Liberty City, it’s the mental health of Liberty City. Have you walked around lately? Almost everyone you encounter has a snide remark to make under their breath just as they walk by. It’s uncanny. You can’t outlaw everyone just being on edge all the time, you know? You just can’t. I don’t know the answers, I really don’t. But I know archaic rules about owning and operating military grade weaponry won’t work; they already aren’t. 

In closing, and I realize this point has been made ad nauseum, but I think it bears repeating that the only thing that will stop a bad guy with a rocket launcher in a stolen police helicopter is a good guy with a rocket launcher in a stolen police helicopter. We’re foolish to think anything otherwise.  

E3 Is Our Last Hope for Keeping Nintendo’s Loose Canon Antics in Check

Posted on by Liam O'Malley

Like Jesus Christ (and Bugs Bunny at the end of Space Jam: A New Legacy), E3 has risen from the dead. With the help of Reedpop, the ESA is primed to bring back the major event that many had written off as unnecessary, especially with more companies pivoting towards digital presentations. Why bother if Todd Howard isn’t at a booth porting Skyrim onto things you give him like it’s his autograph? 

The simple answer is that E3 is the lone force saving us from wildcard titans like Nintendo.

Since 2013, Nintendo has been making its presence known with a 30-40 minute direct full of its biggest annual announcements. When it first announced it was ditching in-person press conferences, after multiple years of fumbled live Wii motion control demonstrations, people were stunned. Surely Nintendo couldn’t compete with Microsoft or Sony if Reggie Fils-Aimé wasn’t prepared to leave mid-presentation to fight you in the parking lot for not owning a 3DS.

That move actually worked out pretty well. The concept of digital Direct was bold but still managed to stay in the framework of E3 by posting their presentation alongside other significant shows and keeping a large presence through massive, detailed displays for upcoming games. It became just as major an event as a live press conference, as people knew they’d get at least one exciting game or Smash character from it. 

When Covid started disrupting E3s however, Nintendo decided to embrace the chaos with more sporadic mini Directs mostly meant to spotlight 3rd party partners. There was no Zelda, no Mario — only Bakugan. It was an understandable move during the pandemic as Nintendo struggled to get big first-party titles out at its usual pace. But that chaotic streak has only grown as Nintendo is now in the habit of firing off random streams, like a t-shirt cannon being fired at a music festival trying to distract the crowd when the headliner is running late. Now June has passed and the only update we got about Nintendo’s 2022 lineup is that Xenoblade Chronicle 3’s battle system will be a nightmare for anyone with ADHD. 

Nintendo is the biggest offender when it comes to unorganized stream cadence, but others are following its lead. Microsoft and Sony both host their own digital streams, which have slowly succumbed to chaos. Sometimes you’ll tune into a Sony State of Play to see God of War Ragnarok. Other times, you’ve just tricked yourself into watching 20 minutes of updates for VR games. Without E3, we’re looking at a disordered world where you just constantly have to watch live streams to keep up with what’s happening. A world ruled by Geoff Keighley. I don’t fully understand what he does and I’m scared to ask.

Look, E3 is cringe. It’s an event where marketing execs make Elijah Wood give the performance of a lifetime monologuing about how much Monster Hunter means to him despite never playing it. But at the very least, it forces game companies to do one bullshit presentation a year so they can justify why we keep giving them money. It’s the one time of year these corporations have to dance like monkeys for our amusement and I refuse to let them worm their way out of it.

Total Cornball Wears Final Fantasy Shirt to Final Fantasy String Orchestra

Posted on by Walker MacDonald

PORTLAND — Immediately outing his cringingly earnest fandom to everyone in the surrounding area, local Final Fantasy string orchestra concert attendee Josh Baker disrupted an otherwise tasteful event by wearing his own Final Fantasy shirt while sitting in the crowd.

“I was sitting right next to him and I couldn’t believe it,” said fellow attendee Spencer McClosky. “It’s just a shame when people can’t dress for the occasion, but I guess a huge part of the concert going experience is scanning the audience for potential strangers to mock, so I can’t complain too much. I, on the other hand, went the smart route and wore this long sleeve with a graphic that references a deep-cut Japan exclusive SNES RPG. Can you guess what it is? Do you know? Take a guess, go ahead. Please?”

Sandra Malloy, a violinist with the touring company’s orchestra, was also disappointed with Baker’s glaringly distasteful fashion choice.

“If I see one more mouth breather in a bootleg Live A Live shirt I’m gonna vomit,” said Malloy. “I couldn’t tell you how many times on this tour I’ve looked up from the pit to just see dudes shooting looks around the room at each other doing finger guns when they see they’re wearing the same game logo tee. You’re at a video game music orchestra, you wanna stop trying so hard to out-nerd people? Just show up in anything normal-looking that’s properly ironed and devoid of Dorito crumbs. That’s where the bar is.”

The accused offender himself, Josh Baker, seemed blissfully unaware of his crimes.

“I had a great time, but I felt bad because the guy sitting next to me seemed really uncomfortable,” said Baker, already wearing the new tour shirt he had purchased that night on top of the other Final Fantasy shirt he had arrived in. “I’m thinking he must have some bad hemorrhoids or something? Not to be graphic, but it definitely seemed like there was something wrong with his ass based on the look on his face. I hope he has more fun next time!”

At press time, Baker was reportedly looking for his friend who was thrown out of the concert for moshing too hard to Liberi Fatali.