Tatooine Retiree With Metal Detector Finds Another Fucking Lightsaber Buried in Sand

MOS DOBA — Retired moisture farmer Deng Illen reportedly found another lightsaber caught in the sand while spending his twilight years gliding his metal detector across Tatooine, according to those familiar with the situation.

“There must be some nut job out there planting these things like every kuba. The metal is worth a few credits but the rest is worthless. It’s not even worth my time digging them up,” Deng said after finding another bundle. “I get that the Jedi are gone but that doesn’t mean they should be littering my planet with their little glow sticks. I thought I’d find some valuable scrap metal — a rusted out droid, or perhaps even an abandoned landspeeder — but nope, it’s just one lightsaber after a-goddamn-nother.”

Most of the population of the planet is being inundated with the chosen weapon of the Jedi Knights.

“I got piles of them in the back, no one wants anything to do with them. Not to mention anyone using one of these bad boys is hunted down by the empire. I think I am going to melt them down and build a suped-up speeder bike,” junk trader Gredarr Tillo explained. “I started selling the kyber crystals to teenage girls in Anchorhead as aura cleansers and earrings. Guys like to chuck the saber casings at pod-racers to try and make them crash.”

Desert hermit and local crazy old man Old Ben Kenobi couldn’t shed any light on the mystery of the buried weapons.

“Light, what now? Sabers? Never heard of them,” Kenobi shouted from his cave when reporters approached. “You leave me in peace, you hear me?! I have nothing to do with the Jedi Kenobi, it’s a very common name in these parts. Lots of cousins marrying cousins and all that. And if I did want to hide the most treasured artifact of the Jedi Order, I would do it better than buy it where any Jawa with a magnet could find it.”

Kenobi was last seen running deep into the desert muttering, “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit,” under his breath.

Tom Cruise Reveals He Did All His Own Sex for Eyes Wide Shut

LOS ANGELES — Titan of cinema Tom Cruise made headlines this week when he revealed a years-old behind-the-scenes fact about one of his films: that he did all his own sex for Stanley Kubrick’s ‘Eyes Wide Shut’

“That fucking? That sucking? It was all CRUISE, baby!” Cruise told reporters unprompted. “How do I do it? Simple: speed, endurance, strategy, energy, speed. Eyes Wide Shut. What a picture. Stanley would tell me ‘Tom, we can use a double.’ ‘Tom, usually we cut around and you don’t actually have sex.’ ‘Tom, why are you wearing a large prosthetic penis?’ The man could direct, but Tom Cruise doesn’t bow down to a challenge. If the script says ‘Tom fucks’ then Tommy fucks, I’ll tell you that much. I’m an auteur. Hey, where are you going? COME BACK HERE!”

“Even the scenes where I’m just walking around in the orgy,” Cruise added, “that shit’s ALL ME. It took all my acting training in the WORLD to not pop a boner. But that’s why I’m the best!”

Nicole Kidman, Cruise’s co-star in the film, also revealed her side of this fascinating film fact.

“Yes, Tom did his own sex, but I didn’t,” Kidman said. “I wasn’t even there. Kubrick pulled me aside and told me Tom was insisting to film the sex scene for real, so I went home for the day and they modeled a fake me for him to go to town on. I admire people who can do their own stunts, but sex with Tom Cruise just seemed a little too dangerous to be worth it. I left that scene up to the professionals.”

At press time, Cruise added that he hoped his practice and willingness to perform the dangerous stunt could one day, hopefully, lead to him having sex in real life.

Xbox Game Pass Is Trying to Turn You Into a Dad

For years now, we’ve all turned into walking billboards for Xbox, hailing Game Pass the “best deal in gaming.” That’s still true, but Microsoft’s game subscription service has slowly earned another distinction over the past few years right under our noses: it’s now the ultimate service for dads.

Just take a look at the list of new games coming to the service in July. Your eye might immediately be drawn to Yazkua 0, Kiwami, and Kiwami 2, which are all available today. But look a little closer and you’ll notice another big title coming on July 14: PowerWash Simulator. In this game, dads can live out their ultimate power fantasy by washing really dirty decks. Just the grimiest garages you can imagine.

PowerWash Simulator isn’t a one-off example of a dad game on the service; it’s part of Microsoft’s long-running attempt to turn Xbox Game Pass into the must-subscribe service for fathers. If you don’t buy that there’s a trend happening, here’s a quick rundown of video games you can play on Xbox Game Pass: House Flipper, Lawn Mowing Simulator, Farming Simulator 22, Bassmaster Fishing 2022, F1 2021.

If you’re feeling a sudden urge to grill after reading that, that’s the dad agenda at work.

It’s a smart play for Microsoft, which has a long history with trying to be your uncle’s favorite video game company. Long before it created the Xbox, Microsoft made a massive name for itself with games like Microsoft Flight Simulator that tapped into the father market, much like how Wii Sports tried to turn your grandma into a toxic gamer. We’re now seeing that plan come full circle with Game Pass as it adds more power tools than a Home Depot.

While it might seem odd that Microsoft is so eager to hook your old man, there’s a more terrifying reality here: maybe you are the dad. 

The original Xbox is over 20 years old. If you owned one back in the day, there’s a good chance you’re at least in your 30s right now. Perhaps this has been Microsoft’s long-game all along. Rather than continuing to make games for an aging player base, it’s spent the last two decades raising a new generation of fathers who would one day help Microsoft turn its love for mundane simulators into the most successful business model on Earth. It’s only a matter of time before you get 3 free months of Game Pass with your AARP card.

Rather than fighting off the march of time, maybe it’s time to embrace it. Honestly, PowerWash Simulator is an incredibly satisfying game that’ll make you appreciate backyard chores. The latest Microsoft Flight Simulator is so relaxing that I understand why my uncle was obsessed with the series. I low-key want a wheel and racing seat so I can play Forza Motorsport next year. Hand me a Coors Light; I’m ready.

Ash’s Pokémon League Hat Is as Hard to Get in Real Life as It Was in the Show

Long before Ash Ketchum was a Champion and World Coronation Series quarterfinalist, a wily Mankey caught him slipping, pummeled him into submission, and stole his hat.

Incensed, Ash scrambled up a tree to reclaim it. When Misty asked why he’d risk his life for a snapback, he revealed that it wasn’t just any hat: it was a limited edition official Pokémon League Expo hat.

“I had to send in about a million postcards to win that hat!” he shouted, and like so many warnings from Professor Oak about the appropriateness of fishing in the Silph Co. lobby, his words came to echo in my ears — because boy, is it a pain to get that hat in real life too.

The legend unfolds

Like any grade-schooler with an age-appropriate ignorance of the stigma that would one day come from wearing clothing associated with children’s programming, I wanted Ash’s hat. Nowadays, I cling to such iconography to bury feelings of emptiness beneath a false sense of nostalgia for lives I never lived in universes that don’t exist. Back then, though, I just thought it was a cool hat and wouldn’t have minded having one.

And yet, despite Pokémon being a worldwide multimedia smash dominating the minds and lives of everyone from its intended Y7 audience to paranoid televangelists, I couldn’t find a single Expo hat. Not in dedicated Pokémon sections of stores like Toys “R” Us, not in generic retail outposts of the era like Kmart or Sears where you could’ve run into one on an unrelated errand, and not even at the nameless mall kiosks that have since moved on from bootleg minifigures to eyebrow threading.

The rise of Pokémon predated online commerce and research as we understand them today — this was a time when people were afraid their computers couldn’t count to 2,000. If something wasn’t available in the shopping center staples indigenous to your area, you had to ask around, and there was simply no one to ask where exactly to find this hat. If Serebii.net existed, it was still gestating on GeoCities; Pojo’s site mostly specialized in cards, and might still have been months from emerging at all; and word of mouth among parents probably wasn’t much use when we were all living in the “Pokémon According to my Dad” meme.

But at last, in the summer of ’99, a wild Ash hat appeared.

My contention is that I found it in a gift shop on Long Beach Island. My mom thinks she had a client of hers bring it back from Tokyo. At this point, I’d believe it was neither, or a mix. It’s Schrödinger’s hat, the truth of its origins locked in a Mystery Gift box that fell from the stars.

It was a strapback rather than a snapback, the oversized green “L” had a dark border around it, and the back of the hat prominently featured a Pokémon: Gotta Catch ‘em All logo complete with two trademark symbols. Not a perfect match to the one in the show, but to a young trainer, it was a thing of beauty. I wore it constantly — my forehead ever red from the strap and dented from the metal cap buckle. After all, it’s a hat you wear backwards when you mean business, and I have long been a serious kind of guy.

Sometime after bending the brim to a point of no return and allowing the white of the hat to turn a blotchy tan from exposure to recess dirt, I stopped wearing it. The way I’ve lived my life in the ensuing twenty-ish years tells me it wasn’t because I was ashamed to rep the Indigo League in public. Still, the Expo hat wound up hanging from a nail in my room, then sitting on a shelf, and finally, tucked in a drawer behind two different Rutgers fitteds I’d had embroidered with part of my then rap name (Ash hat, good, “Chaz” hats… less so).

Once Ash realized he was allowed to change his clothes as of the Advanced Generation series, my definition of an “Ash hat” stopped matching reality, and the already elusive hat was no longer relevant to the Pokémon brand. Far from old enough to yet hold any value to The Pokémon Company as nostalgia bait, the classic cap vanished — but not from my mind.

You received the Ash Hat from Pikachu

Sometime between high school and early college, I took matters into my own hands, trying to master drawing curves in Illustrator so I could recreate that green “L” — partly for myself, and partly to sell Pokémon hats on a merch platform whose name rhymes with Salazzle.

No dice. It didn’t survive the design review process. Naturally, Ash hats were in the same gray area as smartphone Game Boy emulators: objectively good things that Nintendo refused to make, but wouldn’t let anyone else make either.

I gave up. I kept playing the games, reading scans of the Adventures manga online, and outlining fanfics I’d never get around to writing, but my Ash hat dreams were in the rearview. And then, on October 28th, 2017 — I literally saw one behind me.

While in line to impulsively buy a Switch at my local GameStop, I noticed a familiar mix of red and white out of the corner of my eye. On the floor across from the counter, perhaps too bulky to fit on the shelf above, sat a 16” Pikachu plush — with a fucking Ash hat on its head.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I beelined for the Kanto Trainer Hat Pikachu Poké Plush and grabbed it. Was this a prank? Did they hide this hat from the world for over fifteen years only to release it in Build-A-Bear size? This seemed like it would fit a cool adult, but it was sewn to the plush, so I couldn’t be sure. I checked the price: a whopping $49.99 before tax. Fuck it, as long as I was already balling out and buying a Switch purely to play Smash and Mario Kart by myself, I wasn’t about to let this hat get away.

Once I was home, I snipped the hat free of Pikachu’s head and put it on. It was human-sized after all. Some googling confirmed I wasn’t an insane person scalping a stuffed animal — the Pokémon Center product photos showed an adult woman wearing the hat in question.

Left with no clue what to do with the Pikachu after harvesting its hat, I opted to continue my long streak of being a mediocre pal by shipping it across the country to a friend as a belated birthday present.

Old hat, New Era

The novelty of achieving my childhood goal once again wore off faster than before — and not just because the “L” was too bright a green or the brim was too smooth and had this weird ridge thing around the edge like a bumper phone case. The truth was, my aforementioned foray into rapping had brought with it some distinct influences on my fashion sense. Some lasting ones, like an interest in New Era fitteds, and some thankfully more fleeting, like bedazzled skulls and culturally appropriating keffiyehs. Ash hat number two was solid, but it wasn’t a flat brim hat I could wear not-quite-all-the-way-backwards, and my dream of an Ash hat had evolved with my tastes into a dream of an Ash New Era 59FIFTY fitted.

I’d checked the Pokémon Center site now and then for such a thing to no avail. Pokémon’s 20th anniversary had come and gone the year before — an ideal time to collaborate with New Era in my book — but there was no fitted, and none in the three years that would follow. But in the summer of 2019, another 20th came to pass: twenty years since I’d first come across an Ash hat in real life. And as if in celebration of that platinum anniversary and the serendipity that’s defined my relationship with these goddamn hats — I somehow stumbled across the information that a New Era Expo hat did exist after all… in Japan.

No, I didn’t fly there to get it. I’m obsessive, but I’ve never been the world traveler Ash is. So I went to the second best place to get anything — eBay.

As soon as the results loaded, I was off and running. Multiple sellers, promising pics — great reminders that I wasn’t in the dial-up wasteland of yesteryear, or limited to tri-state brick-and-mortar maybes. I narrowed my search to a few listings, and on July 5th, 2019, I pulled the trigger.

My order was confirmed! Fuck yes. For two days, I rode high on the thought that I was about to finally get an Ash hat I thought I’d made up.

Huh? New message from seller?

On July 7th, the seller explained that the hat they’d received from their supplier was in rough shape. Would I mind waiting a few days while they got a replacement? Sure. Having been something of an eBay merchant myself on occasion, I try to give most sellers the benefit of the doubt and respect when they make the effort to not send me janky — 

Canceled? No. No, no, no…


July 9th. The manufacturer says the hat is out of stock. Would I be interested in a similar item? Buddy, you have no idea.

I scrambled to place an order from another seller. Canceled, pretty much immediately.

The fitted and I were locked in a Kanto Safari Zone dance. Do I throw a rock and submit a best offer somewhere? Or go with bait — paying more than I wanted only to risk more disappointment? Another sketchy order like the last two and PayPal might lock my account.

The red HP sound was blaring all around me.

I was whiting out.

Arceus help me.

Offer accepted! For $24.99 below asking. Salute, past me.


July 11th, shipped. July 20th, delivered. I opened the box, and there it was. The best quality hat of the three. Yeah, the “L” was huge, and the Poké Ball symbol on the back was a little redundant — but I’d done it. Twenty years of dreaming had become a glorious red and white tulpa in my hands. I put it on. It even fit well two-thirds backwards — after all, it’s a hat you wear backwards when you mean business, and I am a two-thirds serious kind of guy.

It’s now in the drawer with the other two.

It’s not the hat, it’s the principle

I don’t regret my purchases over the years, but what I do regret is how much time and effort I spent pursuing these fucking hats because The Pokémon Company didn’t have the common sense and/or decency to cater to one of the most obvious possible whims of the Pokémon fandom. How many wonky “L” shapes have we all seen on Ash trucker hats at cons over the years? Why should any of us be settling for subpar, half-assed knockoffs when The Pokémon Company is perfectly capable of dropping official merch?

Maybe it’s part of TPC’s history of misreading its audience. The Gen 5 games sold poorly — the focus on story and character depth must have been the problem, not all the Gen 1 clones added in at the expense of familiar mons. 

Or maybe it’s part of a broader lack of first-party replicas and cosplay items. Power Rangers was pretty bad about that until 2013 — so much so that the most (in)famous source for helmets that weren’t just plastic masks with eye holes has long been Aniki Cosplay, an Indonesia-based prop maker whose turnaround for handmade, custom products has been variously stated to be somewhere between several months to four years or more. Aniki even got a licensing deal in 2018 from Saban, the longtime on-and-off owner of Power Rangers — so it’s clear Saban knew this market existed, but refrained from acting on that knowledge until an independent manufacturer built up over a decade of experience in the space.

All I know is that there’s a case to be made that Ash’s OG hat is arguably the piece of pop culture headwear for a certain generation — right between Indy’s fedora and the MCU Iron Man helmet — and should not be as rare as it is. Ash doesn’t wear the hat anymore, you might say. So? Anakin Skywalker’s been dead for almost four decades. I dare you to tell Disney not to drop another Vader helmet.

As long as the Indigo League, Orange Islands, and/or Johto runs of the anime are streaming somewhere, or classic Pokémon movies are being remade in 3D for whatever reason, that hat will remain in the fandom’s consciousness, and should be for sale on Pokémon Center dot com at a reasonable price. By itself. Not sewn to anything else, or riveted to some one-of-a-kind Ketchum coat of arms in the Home Deco section.

At the close of “Primeape Goes Bananas,” the episode in which Ash is mugged by a Mankey, Ash and friends finally see Celadon City — their desired destination from earlier that day. Misty muses that if Mankey hadn’t evolved into Primeape and slid on them, chasing them all for something like twenty miles in the space of half an hour with commercials, they wouldn’t have reached the city nearly as fast. To some, that takeaway might suggest that the journey to claim your ideal hat has some intrinsic value, or at least some unappreciated side benefits. That the real prize was the Primeape we caught along the way.

Ash used Primeape in one tournament and left it in the care of a stranger.

Just sell the hat.

 

Sony Announces TV Adaptation of September 1998 OPM Demo Disc

SAN MATERO, Calif. — Following the announcements of upcoming series based on Twisted Metal, Gran Turismo, and God of War, Sony revealed its next television adaptation today: the demo disc that came with the September 1998 issue of Official PlayStation Magazine

“We’re very excited to be able to showcase so many amazing Sony stories and characters in one show,” said Jim Ryan, president and CEO of Sony Interactive Entertainment. “From Spyro to Solid Snake, Duke Nukem to uh, Test Drive 5, we think September 1998 PlayStation Demo Disc will surely be the most talked about television show on the air once it debuts.” 

Fans of the old demo disc were enthusiastic, but skeptical of the adaptability of the demo disc that gave them their first exposure to iconic games such as Metal Gear Solid and Spyro the Dragon

“Oh wow, that’s like my entire childhood on a disc,” said Bert Tennant, a gamer that had a subscription to Official PlayStation Magazine in his youth. “It sure is cool to think of a television series that can cover everything from Rival Schools to WWF War Zone, but how exactly is that going to work? I mean, I’ll watch Stone Cold Steve Austin fight Batsu, but what the hell sense is that gonna make? Probably about as much as a Twisted Metal or Gran Turismo show, I guess.”

Shortly after being announced, the show was picked up by HBO and is expected to air next year, some time after the premiere of the network’s other high profile PlayStation adaptation, The Last of Us. Expectations are high for the anthology series, which has already begun filming. 

“Honestly, the whole shoot didn’t make a lot of sense to me,” said Timothy Olyphant, who will be portraying Dark Angel, a featured character in The Unholy War, an obscure PlayStation game featured on the demo disc that inspired the series. “The pages I read had car chases and shootouts, and I’m out here in the desert with a bunch of robots and giant bugs. What’s going on? Am I not playing Duke Nukem?”

September 1998 PlayStation Demo Disc doesn’t have an official release date yet. As of press time, HBO had confirmed that they’d probably be showing the Metal Gear Solid episode over and over once the show premieres. 

35-Year-Old’s Skill Tree All Fucked Up

MILWAUKEE — Local man Chris Darin confirmed his skill tree was “all fucked up” after spending 35 years worth of Experience Points on completely useless life paths.

“I never really knew what Class I was going for,” said Darin, 35, a freelance session musician. “I was more interested in immersing myself in the atmosphere of the game, y’know? Just throw points into random stuff and I’ll figure it out later, I  thought. Well, now I’m halfway through, and I’ve only just realised how the upgrade system actually works. ‘Double Degree in Music History & Humanities?’ Goddamnit. Bards don’t get paid shit.” 

Most of Darin’s poor point placement can be attributed to an obsession with the short-term gratification of minor side quests over the main storyline. Dexterity upgrades included Hacky Sack and Foosball at the expense of Handwriting, while a gap-year job intended to farm gold for college instead only increased his Blu-Ray Collection carry capacity by +500.

“As a character granted special optimization powers, it’s my job to redistribute his points into more applicable skills,” therapist Emily Wheland explained. “Most of it is to do with personal value. He has a 25% Intel bonus in IMDb Trivia that we could easily swap into a sorely-neglected Mathematics branch. We can work with that! The plan right now is to untangle what playstyle he’s actually going for. This will help us understand why he doesn’t have a five-year plan, but does have an encyclopaedic knowledge of where every pot dealer’s house was in his hometown circa 2008.”

Darin’s lack of upward mobility has troubled him; when asked about retrospection, the 35-year-old “would definitely” reconsider choosing Education, Career Networking, Knowledge (Taxation) and Emotional Health as Dump Stats.

“His build has always been trash,” former school acquaintance and Metaverse realtor Gary Dwendit gloated. “He’s allergic to winning. It’s like he has no exhaustive strategy to combat life’s trials. Josh spends all this time on lore and exploration—just wandering along enjoying himself, like some kind of scrub. Am I happy? Couldn’t tell you. Never experienced it. I’m cheesing through six figures a year, though. Get gud.”

Darin was last seen restarting his campaign by filling out a community college accounting course application.

Warner Bros Doubles Down on Flash Movie By Digitally Replacing Michael Keaton With Another Ezra Miller

LOS ANGELES — Following a series of controversies surrounding ‘The Flash’ star Ezra Miller, Warner Brothers announced today that they are doubling down by replacing Michael Keaton with a second Ezra Miller.

“A decision had to be made,” Warner Brothers President Michael Hannity said in a press conference. “With the amount of publicity Ezra has brought to the project, we realized that we should dig our feet in and stand our ground. As problematic as they are, it’s just too late to replace them even if we wanted to. That said, Michael Keaton hasn’t been in the news at all lately, and he has no record of assault or death threats, so he’s kind of a nobody right now. I decided to have Keaton replaced by another Ezra Miller as a way of showing our confidence in this amazing star we have on our hands. Also, if we even did replace Ezra, who’s going to tell them? Not me. I want to live.”

Michael Keaton expressed his contentment with his replacement in the film.

“Hey, they put you into the movie, they can take you out, I still got paid,” Keaton said. “I just hope I’m able to recover after missing the huge gravy train of the DCEU. I mean, I’d give anything to be in movies with torturous productions only for the director to later say I can’t act and have critics tear it to pieces. I think I’ll be okay though, my agent just told me there’s a big opening in the Fantastic Beasts franchise.”

At press time, sources at Warner Brothers revealed that Miller would be removed from future DC films in favor of starting an independent Ezra Miller Cinematic Universe.

You’re Not Hallucinating: ‘Chex Quest’ Was a Very Real Video Game

Everyone remembers their first. Whether it be your first live concert (the A-Teens), your first car (a dented Honda CR-V), or your first kiss (sorry Dillon), the inaugural “thing” tends to stick out in one’s mind. A lot of people my age have an enduring fondness for Pokemon, as it was very likely their first video game. Mine was Chex Quest — a first-person-shooter made for kids.

Well, kind of. It’s not as simple as a “shooter for kids,” though that is technically accurate in terms of the intended audience and style of gameplay. Chex Quest has a pseudo-mythical status for a lot of reasons. Despite its origins and concept, it managed to not only maintain an active fanbase since its debut, but become such a cult classic that it got a full remaster and multiple re-releases as recently as March 2022. 

My personal interpretation of “mythical” has to do with the fact that I spent most of my life convinced I made this game up, and that my memories of it were either completely fabricated or totally inaccurate. Yet, it is very real. And it came back into my life after two decades in the strangest of ways. 

Let me back up.

Chex Quest is a 1996 family-friendly, first-person-shooter PC game that was included, for free, in boxes of Chex cereal for a 6-week timeframe. It is also a straight-up Doom clone. Yes, that Doom, the game often cited with fueling the “violent video games” suburban panic of the ’90s. If this combination of competing ideas — corporate advertising targeted at kids mixed with the most notorious game of the decade — feels unhinged to you, it’s because it is. 

Why the hell did this get made?

Simply speaking, money. The entire goal of Chex Quest  was to “reinvigorate” the Chex brand, which is marketing speak for “sell more stuff.” The promotional agency tasked with this decided that putting 6 million copies of a free CD-ROM into cereal boxes would show consumers that the company was cool and hip with the youth, and therefore bolster sales. It actually worked, and ’90s kids everywhere got their hands on this cult-classic in the making. 

The game’s development was unsurprisingly weird. Since the budget was low (half a million) and the turnaround was tight (half a year), the team opted to seek out an existing game engine, pay pretty much nothing to license it, and tweak it for their purposes. Fucking insanely, they chose Id Software’s Doom, the revolutionary and controversial first-person-shooter that was most well-known for its graphic violence and Satanic imagery, and would later be stained by its association with the Columbine shooting

Chex Quest is a re-skin of Doom with new music and textures; the gameplay and levels are identical. Guns were replaced with remote-looking things, blood with slime, and bullets with vegetables. To put it into perspective, this would be like taking Resident Evil 7 and turning Ethan Winters into a Kinder Egg who kills the Molded with chocolate. 

The modding of the engine was done by a literal 17-year-old programmer in the evenings (you know, after he was done with school). The full 6 million release copies were burned from a single demo disc–before it was even bug-tested. It all sounds like some schoolyard rumor that was warped by a game of telephone, but it’s real.

I was first introduced to Chex Quest when I was in kindergarten. The boys responsible for showing it to me were Brad and Jason, the sons of my parents’ closest friends. Brad and Jason were 3 and 5 years older than me, but they never made me feel like a tag-along or an annoyance–I was like a little sister who came to visit a few times a year.

The two of them would take turns playing Chex Quest on their family PC while I sat either next to or on top of them like a horrible monkey child and watched. It was the first real video game I had ever seen, save for a few “educational” point-and-clicks and dress-up games. I was mesmerized. It was like entering one of the Windows 95 pipe screensavers — totally 3D, but you were in control. 

Most importantly, you, a giant piece of Chex cereal, could fight aliens. Sick.

I’m sure we only played it a handful of times. We all grew up. I became convinced that I must have imagined Chex Quest — it was way too weird to actually exist. I didn’t think about it much at all after childhood.

That is, until the autumn of 2017, when Jason was killed by a drunk driver. His death was devastating and I felt deeply alone in the aftermath, as I had no mutual friends with whom to remember him. Only my family and his.

A few months after Jason’s passing, his mother asked for friends to share fond memories of him. I had plenty: trips to the lake, bad sumo-wrestling home videos that in hindsight were probably super racist. I agonized over what to tell her, what story would be so perfect that it would alleviate her grief. 

Suddenly, I knew — I had to find out what that fucking cereal game was, if it was even real.

It took only moments of Googling to discover that holy shit, not only was this game legit, but it had a serious following. I called Jason’s mother and managed to explain, through laughter and tears, that Jason showed me my first video game ever, uh, where you’re a piece of cereal killing aliens with vegetables? She was bemused and a little perplexed. But I could tell she was smiling.

I am well aware of how nostalgia goggles work, especially on my generation, but some part of me is truly thankful for this whack-ass little game and the spot it holds in my heart. It’s a perfect reflection of how the innocuous things – the ones you don’t expect to have any lasting meaning — are often the things that stick with you. A backwards marketing ploy that became a legend among kids that became a core memory of a lost friend. 

I genuinely do not know who thought it was appropriate to take perhaps the most graphic game of the era and redo it for children, or how the fuck they wound up succeeding. But at the end of the day, part of that utter strangeness is what makes Chex Quest so fascinating — it shouldn’t exist. And I can’t imagine life without it.

Man Arrested After Posting Meme He Actually Finds Funny in Company’s Slack Channel

ATLANTA — Graphic designer Zane Dowd was taken into custody this morning after accidentally posting a meme he actually thought was funny in his workplace Slack.

“At approximately 10:17 a.m., we arrived on the scene at Whizz Marketing, where an individual had posted a message in the #superchillhangout channel on the Slack. This channel is where employees are encouraged to post impact font memes, decade-old YouTube videos, and reaction GIFs that don’t make any sense in context. But that’s not enough for some sickos,” said Sergeant Daniel Garcia of the Atlanta Police Department. “This individual decided to push the limit, and now he’s going to be in prison for a long time. I just hope others learn their lesson.”

While the police have yet to release the meme in question, traumatized witnesses were able to describe it in great detail, many of them breaking down in tears from the trauma.

“The photo was of Mr. Mime, the Pokémon. Mr. Mime was making a funny face. That part was fine. It’s the text above the image that’s hard to talk about… I’m sorry, give me a moment,” said CRM analyst Michaelle Blanton, pausing to collect herself. “The text was above the image. It was in white. It was on a black background. It began with ‘grimer is mr mimes cum.’ I didn’t read any further than that. I picked up the phone and dialed 911 right away.”

After announcing a Guilty plea, Dowd’s lawyer argued that her client deserved less than the maximum sentence, due to the post being a complete accident.

“If Mr. Dowd had sent this meme on purpose, I would support locking him up for the rest of his life. But if you look at the message in question, there is clear evidence that Mr. Dowd did not mean to send a meme this dank,” said attorney Diana Wharf, holding a press conference on the front steps of the courthouse. “For starters, the comment he sent along with the meme was, ‘LOL I feel attacked! 🤣🤣🤣.’ Why would Mr. Dowd feel attacked by Grimer being Mr. Mime’s semen? The answer is that he wouldn’t. He would not feel attacked. No, Mr. Dowd meant to send something wack, probably about drinking too much coffee or whatever.”

Mr. Dowd could not be reached for comment, as he was literally too embarrassed to speak.

UPDATE: After the initial hearing, the police shared the full meme with the public, including a shocking second line that caused even further public outcry.

10 Games You Absolutely NEED to Check Out This Evening If You Haven’t Already

Hey gamers, is it just us or are there more and more ‘must-play’ video games coming out every year? As if that wasn’t making it hard to keep up, there are also now more platforms than ever. It is completely understandable that many gems would slip through the cracks of any gamers. Understandable as that may be, it is also unforgivable. As such, here are the 10 games you NEED to check out TODAY! Cancel your plans. You’re checking these games out tonight. 

Elden Ring – This is the game of the year, if not decade. You have a LOT going on tonight, so I don’t think you should dive in too deep, but maybe make a character and poke around and get a feel for just what a special game this is. Make sure to stay on task, though, we’re just getting started. 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Shredder’s Revenge – This love letter to TMNT and coin-op games of the past feels just like the classic Turtles beat-’em-ups a lot of us grew up playing. It’s on Game Pass, so at least you won’t have to buy all 10 of these games, you know what I’m saying? You WILL need to play it tonight, however.

Rocket League – If you haven’t checked Rocket League out in a while, now is the perfect time as the game’s seventh season since becoming free-to-play has just begun! Play a game or two and move on. This is mostly here to help us make some better time, if I’m being honest. 

Forza Horizon 5 – One of the best racing games in years is also one of the best titles to showcase everything an Xbox Series X can do. Absolutely gorgeous. I was skeptical that Forza Horizon 4 could be topped, but part five’s Mexican setting more than outdoes it’s predecessor. You did play Forza Horizon 4, right? 

Forza Horizon 4 – If you missed it, this one’s worth checking back in on. It’s just from 2018, so it’s hardly outdated or anything. Actually, I think they optimized this one for Series X as well, so rock and roll.  

Capcom Fighting Collection – Okay so technically this one has 10 games on it, but really you just need to find some time to check out Darkstalkers, Red Earth, Vampire Hunter 2, and Cyberbots

Fall Guys – Hey, this one’s free now! And you can get through a game really quickly, especially if you lose in the first round. Let’s keep it moving here, because you still have a bunch of games to get through tonight and they won’t count if you take a break. Onto number 8!!

Neon White – People are saying this one is really fun. It looks really fun! I haven’t played a video game in months though, so I don’t really know. But hey, let’s throw it on the list. Now you have to buy it. 

Slay the Spire – This is just the best game that’s come out in years. This needs to be on your Switch, computer, and phone. (But it still only counts as one on the list, sorry.)

Stardew Valley – After playing 9 different games in a single evening, there’s simply no better way to unwind than spending some time on the farm. Don’t stay up too late though, you have another big day of gaming ahead of you tomorrow!