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Sexually-Awakened J. Jonah Jameson Demands Feet Pictures of Spider-Man

NEW YORK — Daily Bugle Editor-in-Chief J. Jonah Jameson shocked staff today when, after a recent sexual awakening following an adult retreat, he demanded the Bugle photographers get him feet pictures of local vigilante Spider-Man.

“Dammit! Regular pictures won’t do it anymore!” Jameson bellowed to the Bugle photography staff this morning. “Why can’t anyone get me a picture of Spider-Man’s feet? I’ll settle for costume-on! I didn’t spend fifty-one years in the newspaper industry denying my kinks for some hack photographer to get me a photo of him apprehending a criminal from the waist up. He may be a menace to society, but I want to decide for myself if his feet are going on my special DeviantArt page. If Spider-Man is out there listening, I demand he reveal his identity, turn himself in, and send me some of his old shoes.”

Daily Bugle staff photographer Peter Parker expressed his misgivings about his new assignment.

“As a friend of Spider-Man, I’m worried Mr. Jameson is thinking I’ll pull through for him,” Parker said. “I can’t explain why, but I think I’ll be able to pull it off. Just makes me feel kind of…dirty. I mean, for Spider-Man. I feel bad for that guy. He’ll have to pay big. It seems like he’s willing to, though, he actually gave me $600 advance to make sure Spider-Man gets a pedicure beforehand.”

Jameson elaborated on what he would do with the photos he requested.

“The good people of New York deserve to see this so-called-superhero’s face,” Jameson began. “Furthermore, once this Spider-Menace started taking justice into his own hands, New York has the right to see his feet handcuffed together and pressed through a chain-link fence. Let’s get that real-life-hentai tentacle monster Doc Ock in there too while we’re at it.” 

At press time, Jameson was not satisfied with the photos Parker eventually turned in, citing that it looked like Peter got lazy and just took photos of his own feet instead.