Dad Falls for Email Scam Claiming He’s Been Invited to Join the Avengers

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — Local father Dean Atkinson accidentally clicked a phishing link emailed to him that claimed it was an invitation to join fictional superhero team The Avengers.

“Son of a gun!” said Atkinson, excitedly putting his credit card information into the response email, as requested. “It says here that as soon I pay my entry dues, armor bill, and cash handling fee, I’ll be first in line to be among the next recruits to The Avengers! You know, I’d never really thought about it, but I might be a pretty good Avenger. Do you think they need an HVAC guy?” 

According to a viral Tiktok video from Atkinson’s daughter Renee, the email was very clearly a scam link.

“It literally said they saw a video of him and wanted him to become a superhero because he had the skills and the heart for it. What the fuck? How is my dad so dumb?” said the video, which was streamed over 16 million times. “I swear to god this is almost as dumb as the time my mom almost divorced him because she thought she was in a long distance relationship with Keanu Reeves.”

Marvel Cinematic Universe head Kevin Feige responded to the controversy.

“I feel so bad about this, it hurts me to know that we got this man’s hopes up that he could join The Avengers. Unfortunately, and this pains me so much to say, but The Avengers do not exist in the real world,” Feige explained. “If The Avengers really did exist — and again, I would do everything in my power to make sure they do, if I could — I would be happy to have Mr. Atkinson join the team. I mean, hell, we have Hawkeye in there. It’s not like it’s that hard to join.”

As of press time, Atkinson hadn’t been seen for three days after reportedly entering a sketchy van driven by a man who claimed to be Tony Stark, but didn’t even have a goatee.

The Marvel Cinematic Universe Is in Its Flop Era. But Then Again, So Is the Planet

Posted on by Chandler Dean

Welp, Thor: Love and Thunder is the latest installment of the Marvel Cinematic Universe to be thoroughly, whelmingly, mid. But that shouldn’t be too much of a surprise, given that the MCU is now firmly in its Phase 4 “flop era” thanks to middling films like Eternals and Black Widow.

But hey, who can blame Kevin Feige? Our own universe is in a steady decline, so maybe it makes sense that Marvel’s is too.

The Flop Era

With 6 films and — Jesus Christ — 7 Disney+ shows released over the last 18 months, Phase 4 of the Marvel Cinematic Universe has felt both lethargic and overwhelming. We’ve gotten 50 hours of content that’s mostly amounted to more homework and less clarity about what the hell this is all supposed to be building toward. (I think maybe the Skrulls are enlisting Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Harry Styles to stop the Time Department from blipping the multiverse? Or whatever.)

Everyone seems to be taking note of this phase’s disjointed aimlessness — from IGN to Collider to Forbes (which I thought was supposed to be a website about the stock market or something). And although the Hollywood-owned Rotten Tomatoes has gradually seen its average Tomatometer scores creep up over the years, the mean score for the MCU’s Phase 4 movies is currently 75% — the lowest of any phase yet. 

With the release of Thor: Love and Thunder, the latest cycle of mocking a new MCU entry’s failures (while it nevertheless rakes in a gazillion dollars) is in full swing. And a lot of the most prominent criticisms reflect the broader problems we keep seeing in the MCU’s Phase 4 movies. Spoilers below!

  • Every plot beat of Thor: Love and Thunder feels like an answer to the question “wouldn’t it be cool if this happened?” instead of “what would these characters be motivated to do next?” It’s like Disney executives saw the success of Endgame and instead of thinking “audiences love it when we patiently build to an incredible climax over the course of a decade,” they thought “audiences love it when we mash characters together in wacky situations and we shouldn’t waste our time justifying how or why they got there. Also audiences want to see actors from Ted Lasso in post-credits scenes.” 
  • To that end, Jane Foster’s arc to become Mighty Thor is criminally rushed—and a lot less exciting than it might have been if it wasn’t revealed in every trailer.
  • In the spirit of blindly copying-and-pasting what has worked previously, the movie’s tone is an inferior rehash of the genuinely delightful and once-fresh Thor: Ragnarok. (It was cool when Thor fought to “Immigrant Song” by Led Zeppelin — so surely it’s even cooler to slap a bunch of Guns N’ Roses songs throughout the soundtrack, joining the creative echelons of Megamind and the Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson Jumanji movies.)
  • As in so many other superhero movies, the villain is totally right until he’s randomly super wrong.
  • And like seemingly every Marvel project, the visuals were rushed under terrible working conditions to create a laughable final product. (Source: Director Taika Waititi literally laughing at the final product.)

Thor: Love and Thunder is just another jester in the clown square that is Phase 4 of the MCU. But unlike everyone else online, I’ve decided that I’m not mad about it. Why? Because the MCU sucking ass now is just a symptom of a more insidious disease: which is that life as a whole sucks ass now.

Phase 4 of the MCU Is Mediocre, But So Is Life

Think about it: the MCU peaked with Avengers: Endgame. Endgame came out in 2019, and life was simply better then! (Okay, life was actually really shitty in 2019. But we were living in blissful ignorance that it was about to get several magnitudes shittier in the Spring of 2020.)

Cut to the pandemic. Black Widow, a movie that was already coming out way too late to justify its own existence, got significantly delayed. So did a bunch of other shit, creating the release date pile-up that has undoubtedly contributed to growing MCU fatigue. The projects that hadn’t finished production shifted to more COVID-cautious greenscreen-heavy shoots, exacerbating the lifeless, washed-out visuals that have often plagued the MCU. All the while, the rest of the moviegoing industry has been hanging on by a thread, meaning we get fewer palate cleansers between our quarterly servings of Feigeslop. Feigeslop has its place! But it is best consumed as part of a balanced cinematic diet — which is simply no longer possible now that the world sucks big ass.

Mind you, these are just the ways that the world sucking ass has directly affected the quality of the MCU. We’ve barely considered some of the more tangential reverberations of universal ass-suckery. It could be that our collective despair in the midst of a crumbling world order might adversely affect our ability to enjoy escapist content—particularly when that content often intimates that you should just lay low and trust the global elite (uh, I mean, Ant-Man) to solve your problems for you. 

Oh, also I guess it’s worth remembering that we’re all 14 years older than we were when Iron Man came out and these movies are for children.

So, sure, the MCU has fallen off. But so has everything. Therefore, until Disney finds a way to acquire existence itself, the Marvel Cinematic Universe will remain but a pawn in the grander scheme of our actual universe. Lest we forget, that universe sucks ass — and it’s not even America’s ass.

Opinion: Elon Musk Not Buying Twitter Is Genius, Unless He Does Buy It, Then That Was the Right Move

Posted on by Camden Brazile

Wow. Mr. Musk has done it again. He could smell the blood in the water in that awful Twitter deal and dipped right after creating a good amount of chaos in the system like the hilarious troll he is. Twitter is a cesspool of an app that was just trying to milk the real-life Tony Stark out of a few billion. Even though that’s pennies for Elon, he’s not going to let some evil corporation sneak a bunch of bots past him, he’s much too smart for that. Did they really think they could outfox the clean energy king? 

Shutting down the Twitter deal was one of the shrewdest, brilliant business moves in the last decade. He wakes up and grinds so hard every day, and did the research to figure out Twitter was dead on arrival. I can’t think of a more genius play than dropping the mic on this crooked, bot-ridden “social media” app. 

Unless he does end up buying it. 

If he does end up buying it, I’m astounded at what a revolutionary, game-changing business deal Mr. Musk made by purchasing one of the most successful, engaging media platforms in existence. 

If Elon buys Twitter, you’re an idiot if you think it wasn’t a perceptive, savvy business play that is just the first step in a master plan real-life Tony Stark is cooking up behind the scenes. He just said he was backing out like the hilarious troll he is, and he knew he was pwning all those idiot libs who think he didn’t know exactly what he was doing. 

Twitter is essentially a mirror image of our society, where all the greatest minds come in unison to philosophize on the great questions of life. In many ways, Twitter is akin to the modern salon, and Elon is a genius for working to preserve the sanctity of speech on this platform, assuming it turns out that he does want to buy it.

You may say he was “legally bound” to buy Twitter in the end, but that’s just what he wants you sheep to think. If he buys Twitter, he’s the wisest move any other businessman wouldn’t have the balls to pull off. He was probably just lowering the interest in Twitter by trying to pull out only to swoop in as a hero at the eleventh hour. Business king.

And if he gets sued and loses millions, oh boy. That’s truly the smartest move of all when you think about it.

Local Crackpot Insists 8K TVs Are a Thing

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

DICKSON, Tenn. — A local crackpot, just a world class asshole, this guy Lenny Vickerman, has again insisted that 8K TVs exist and that “you can go buy one right now.” 

“I’m not kidding, why don’t you believe me,” ranted Vickerman, after authoring yet another of his delusional fantasies, wherein resolution on TVs has somehow gotten better yet again. “I’m not even saying you necessarily need to get one, but they exist, that’s all I’m saying. Why do you get so upset with me when I bring this up?”

Vickerman has deceived many in the past about tech related matters, most recently when he was talking some shit about how they have lawn mowers you can charge now. Yeah right, Lenny. Lawn mowers run on gas, you fucking asshole. 

According to those familiar with the situation, Vickerman was being a total nut with his bizarre insistence that they have 12K TVs now or whatever the hell he was saying. 

“Yeah, fuck Lenny man, that wasn’t cool,” said this guy Louie after you made Vickerman leave your barbecue. “Trying to embarrass you and make you fall for his little joke. I’ve known him a while, and that seemed really out of character for him. Nevertheless, good on you for not standing up to his bullshit. I’m not sure I would have decked him like that, but a man’s gotta do what he feels is right. ‘8K TVs’… Fuck off.” 

As of press time, some dumb ass commercial on TV had said something about 8K TVs now in what must have been some sort of skit or goof.

Manga Reader Prefers Subs Over Dubs

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local manga Issa Baker prefers to read the kind of manga that has subtitles in English, rather than the kind dubbed in English to begin with.

“When I watch anime, I think that the Japanese voices fit the art style so much better than the English versions. And for me, manga is sort of an extension of anime, so why wouldn’t I feel the same way? That’s why I only read manga if it’s in Japanese and has the English translation underneath it on the bottom. If it just has the English text, it’s just not as good to me,” Baker explained. “At the end of the day, it is more challenging to feel superior for no reason when reading manga compared to watching anime. But I put in the work.”

According to those close to Baker, the subtitled-manga lover scoffs at anyone who reads the Japanese comics in any way other than the way that he does.

“I was shocked they even make manga like that, but I guess if there’s enough demand from pretentious readers, you might as well,” said Baker’s roommate Roman Sharp. “I mean it looks exactly the same as the regular manga, but it also has Japanese text that he doesn’t know how to read covering up some of the image. It’s incredibly strange. But that’s Issa, I guess: incredibly strange. For him, the act of reading a work of art isn’t the thing that’s fun; it’s the fact that it might make him slightly better than someone else with the same hobby.”

At press time, Baker refused to read this article written about him due to the fact that it was not in Japanese with English translations written below.

2022’s Hardest Game Is This Adorable Puzzle Game About Running a Goddamn Donut Factory

Posted on by Minus World

Let’s do some video game word association. I’m going to say a word, and you’re going to tell me what 2022 video game first comes to mind when I do. Ready?

“Hard.”

What was your first thought? Perhaps it was Drive because that’s the name of this website and you’re not very good at understanding prompts. Maybe it was Sifu, the ultra-punishing kung-fu action game where you age every time you die. Or, more likely, your brain went to Elden Ring (despite the fact that we’ve already established it is easy, actually).

Wrong on all accounts, you filthy casual. When I say “hard,” your brain should go to one place first: this cozy, twee-ass puzzle game about running a donut factory.

Freshly Frosted quietly launched back in June and it’s been steadily gaining critical acclaim since then. At the time of writing, it’s one of the best reviewed games of 2022 according to Opencritic, further overshadowing Horizon Forbidden West. It’s easy to see why. The charming puzzle game has players building conveyor belts in order to assemble donuts in the right order and deliver them to customers. It’s a cute premise – and one that has ruined my life.

Don’t be fooled by its gentle pastels and soothing narrator: Freshly Frosted contains puzzles that will shatter your psyche. The game starts simple enough. You’ll start by building straightforward “point A to point B” conveyor belts that loop around a small grid. As with any puzzle game, slowly starts popping in complications one at a time. Soon you’ll need to assemble more complex donuts. Then you’ll need to make two conveyor belts instead of one. Then each will need to deliver a different type of donut. Then you need to use path splitters to turn one conveyor belt into five different ones that all need to deliver different donuts to different endpoints, all while snaking in and out of one another – and also accounting for machines that push your donut forward to another belt if they have a specific topping layout. And that’s before getting to cloning machines and donut mergers.

It’s a good time to note that this game is developed by “The Quantum Astrophysicists Guild.”

While most of the game’s 144 puzzles are easy (and delightful) to figure out, some of its tougher puzzles have turned my brain into jelly. I’ve spent entire 40 minute commutes staring at the screen dumbfounded as I try to solve a single puzzle. When I sleep, I see donuts. The conveyor belts taunt me. If you thought Malenia was hard, just wait until you’re asked to deliver six donuts to the same counter. No Mimic Tear that’s going to do it for you, coward.

When we talk about “hard” games, it’s rare that puzzle games like this really enter the conversation. That discourse is always focused on skill-heavy action games that test players’ speed and reflexes. But it’s time to finally acknowledge that puzzle games are the one-true hardcore gamer genre. In Elden Ring, there’s always some strategy you can find to cut down a boss in seconds. In Freshly Frosted, there are no cheeses – it would be fucked up to put cheese on a donut. You need to rely on the power of your big brain to solve complicated puzzles. You have no choice but to get good … at thinking (and let’s face it, that’s hard for a lot of us).

I’m really enjoying my time with Freshly Frosted so far, despite the sleepless nights a few of its puzzles have caused me. It’s a relaxing puzzle game filled with soothing sounds and cute visuals. Most of its puzzles are “not too easy, not to hard,” but it offers some strong challenges too. But what I especially love about it is that I can use it as a secret weapon. The next time you see a Pro Gamer condescend about how wholesome games aren’t “REAL GAMES,” ask them to solve one of Freshly Frosted’s hardest puzzles. It’ll make them reassess their entire personality.

Joe Biden Vows to Beat the Shit Out of Whoever’s the President

Posted on by Saad Khan

WASHINGTON — After little to no government response to a string of disastrous events ranging from mass shootings to the repeal of Roe v. Wade, Joe Biden vowed to find and beat the shit out of whoever’s the current President of the United States.

“Listen here, Jack, things have been really bad for the American people lately,” Biden said, practicing his right hook on a punching bag. “Gas prices are up, shootings are happening all over the country, and the repeal of Roe v. Wade threatens to put America’s maternal mortality rate even harder behind Iran. It’s complete malarkey and will not be tolerated.”

“People all over the country are calling on the President to do something, but he’s nowhere to be found. It’s a complete dereliction of duty to do nothing in a moment like this,” Biden continued. “That’s why I’m making a promise to the American people: I vow to find the President of the United States, whoever that may be, and beat the shit out of him. This guy’s had it coming for a long time!”

A concerned citizen, Sid McIntyre, said he was confused by Biden’s vow to beat the shit out of the president.

“Why does he keep talking like someone else is in charge?” McIntyre said. “I get he may not have the votes to get things done, but he’s the President of the United States. He could put a lot more pressure on his own party. Threaten to primary people, push to take senators that own coal companies off the energy committee, buy everyone a PS5, just do something.”

“Although, I won’t lie,” said McIntyre, looking a bit intrigued, “it would be pretty funny to see him beat the shit out of himself. Maybe we should just let him keep looking.”

At press time, Biden announced he was giving up his fruitless search for the president to instead beat the shit out of whoever’s running for the Democratic nomination in 2024.

Ooh La La: TV Show Calls Episodes ‘Chapters’

Posted on by Camden Brazile

LOS ANGELES — The latest, hottest show on television, Icarus, released its first season on Netflix last Friday, and immediately won style points with its audience by calling its episodes ‘chapters.’

“It’s just so fancy!” said viewer Elizabeth Cromwell. “Usually the first thing is labeled ‘episode 1’ but this genius, high-class show calls it ‘chapter 1’. Like a book! Can you believe that? I didn’t even know you were allowed to do that. I was so confused at first, thinking I was accidentally watching a book, but then it dawned on me: I’m watching a story. A story has chapters. This show must be amazing, intelligent television. I felt so smart and in awe of the craftiness.”

The show’s creator, Michael Dolan, said this creative choice was integral to the show’s tone and reception.

“Maybe you don’t get it, but this ain’t your daddy’s prestige television show,” Dolan said. “Just like how a show usually starts with credits, our show just starts for a second, does something badass, and then the opening theme happens. Blows your fucking hair back. I’m not even supposed to say this, but season two? We’re calling that ‘part two’ Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Game changer. We’ve just thrown out the entire god damn playbook at this point and there’s nothing you can do to stop us. We might even fuck around and call the third one ‘act III’. That’s right. Roman numerals. Classy and mysterious as all hell.”

At press time, audiences audibly gasped when producers on Icarus hinted that a future season of the show may drop numbers entirely and just include a colon and vague subtitle.

Minecraft Plays to the Male Fantasy of Digging a Big Hole With Your Buds

Posted on by Kyle Erf

Released over a decade ago, Minecraft continues to be among the most popular video games ever released, and while there are many factors that can be attributed to this success, one has gone unspoken for too long — the game plays into the male fantasy of digging a big hole with the boys. 

“Most video games are some sort of wish fulfillment, when you get down to it,” said Albert Lipinski, a media studies professor at UCLA. “And clearly many players have violent, confrontational urges, but there’s plenty of people that would just as soon get together on a nice day with a couple of buds and just dig a big ol’ hole and see what’s down there. Oh man, was there anything better than having the guys over and digging a hole back in the day? One time I thought we found a treasure, but it was just the septic tank.” 

Some parents have grown concerned about their children’s exposure to the game after hearing of the emphasis on hole-digging and chilling with the homies. 

“Hmm, I don’t think I like the sound of that at all,” said Morgan Fish, a concerned parent of a dedicated Minecraft player. “I knew Dylan was meeting up with his friends and goofing around, but I figured they were going on raids or at the very least ganging up on people with lower levels than them, harmless stuff like that. But if Dylan is getting any ideas about digging a hole in the lawn I just spent yesterday afternoon mowing, well, he’s got another thing coming.” 

“Looks like I might have to make him switch over to Warzone,” he added.

Kind of Weird That Thor: Love & Thunder Has a Global Terrorist Ice Cream Parlor

Posted on by Walker MacDonald

Thor: Love & Thunder, the latest MCU offering, is rife with the trappings we expect from both Marvel and Taika Waititi’s gradually declining trajectories. It’s got Whedonisms, CGI fights, and tired tropes throughout. But of all its faults, the most jarringly striking factor is its choice of ice cream shops.

In the first act, we’re reacquainted with New Asgard. A series of inserts and establishing shots familiarize the audience with how the town’s changed since the last time we were here. Housing developments, a town hall, a thriving stage performance scene, and the grand opening of “Infinity Cones” — an ice cream parlor themed around the single most significant cataclysmic, life altering event in the series. Its logo features the Infinity Gauntlet grasping an ice cream cone. You know, the gauntlet that wiped out half of existence in the universe for a while there and left every single human being on Earth grieving for the loved ones they presumed were dead.

Kind of weird!

I’m going to do my best to not tread on soy face, reactionary video essayist territory here. I get that it’s a one-off sight gag in a comedy. As eye-rolling as it is, it’s nothing to really kick up dust about (although, the unabashed Old Spice ad shown under the thin guise of a joke just seconds before is a different story altogether, and is frankly deserving of its own article). What it does warrant is a heavier scrutiny of the MCU’s constant back & forth with how it wants to treat “the snap” between films.

It always seems to be either an unspeakable disaster or a conversation piece. As a sprawling franchise spanning numerous directorial and narrative voices, it’s understood that not everyone will interpret things the same. One man’s tragedy is another’s edgy joke. That’s realistic. But for a business to be straight up based around the latter reaction? That’s the equivalent of “Mohammed Atta’s Eatery” or “Al-Queda Bagels” setting up shop in Manhattan. Considering too that these movies are ostensibly cranked out of a big ass Pink Floyd style meat grinder with those same creative voices being used as the pork floor scraps for the blockbuster hotdogs, a little uniformity is to be expected.

This is far from the first stark incongruity in regards to how the franchise treats “the snap.” In the mainline Avengers series, it’s game over. Total annihilation. Captain America goes to group therapy and grieves alongside Marvel’s first gay character. In the Jon Watts Spider-Man trilogy (and the greater MCU on the whole), it’s often a flagrant gag that seems to be relevant as a courtesy, for just long enough to stave off and satiate Redditors. While the emotional responses to tragedies like this take many forms, and are processed in countless ways, at the end of the day I think we can agree that the namesake of a dairy bar is not really one of them.

In regards to the contents of Love & Thunder itself, it’s less than the typical fair — which, funny enough, now seems to be the typical fair. A defined, calculable dip in quality is what we’ve come to not only anticipate, but eat up anyway. Sloppy stories, even sloppier characters. It’s nothing now for Marvel to take legacy actors like Christian Bale and Natalie Portman and cast them in completely disposable, flimsy roles. 

We’re in Phase 4 now, folks. They don’t have to care anymore. You might get a bad order from McDonald’s once in a while, and sure, maybe you’ll complain to your friends about it. But will you never again in your life feel the impulse to scarf down a Big Mac next time you see the golden arches? Absolutely not. Hey, it should pair nicely with the delicious frozen confectionary treats that only Infinity Cones can muster. Act fast, they’re only gonna melt more and more by the day!