Alexmcmillan, Author at Hard Drive

Gamer Returns to Neglected Animal Crossing Island to Find Lone Blood-Drenched Villager

Posted on February 4, 2022 by Matt Shore

BRAMPTON, Ont. 一 Local college student Emma Singh reportedly fired up her copy of Animal Crossing: New Horizons for the first time in six months, only to find Poppy the Squirrel, the sole remaining villager, covered in the blood of her island’s other residents.

“I thought maybe things would be a little overgrown with weeds everywhere, but this was like a nightmare,” Singh. “Before I could go back in my house to get away from her, she ran up to me with the ax and a big smile. She said, ‘You’re back! I’m so happy! I go a little bit cuckoo when you’re not here, nutty.’ Then she skipped away, humming, like nothing had happened. She even walked right over Sherb’s dead body. I wanted to puke.”

“That being said,” Singh added, “at least my debt to Tom Nook got erased.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Singh tried to clean up her island, dragging the bodies to the beach where she hoped they would wash away, but the following morning she found them piled up outside her home with Poppy standing beside them.

“Why did you destroy my art, nutty?” Poppy said. “I don’t want to have to punish you too.” She then fumed, little cartoon smoke blasts emerging from her scalp.

Singh then tried to reset her game so that she could start a new island, one free from the mistakes of the past.

“Whenever I tried to reset, Poppy would appear and start screaming in this loud high-pitched voice. It freaked me out, so I just put the console in that drawer over there. Sometimes, late at night, I can still hear her calling to me. Poppy’s voice, which sounds like a child speaking gibberish after inhaling a balloon’s worth of helium, emanated from the drawer until the system ran out of power. Is this a new DLC thing? I’m really not into it!”

As of press time, Singh is still debating whether she should trade the console into GameStop or not. “I have all my Pokémon on that Switch too,” she explained. “Unless Poppy got to them already.”

Hayao Miyazaki Avoids Attending Son’s Movie By Magically Transforming Into River

Posted on February 4, 2022 by Camden Brazile

TOKYO — Legendary Japanese filmmaker Hayao Miyazaki has reportedly magically transformed into a river in order to avoid having to watch the premiere of his son Gorō Miyazaki’s new film, The Marvelous Leaf.

“He always does this, I’m getting sick of it,” Gorō Miyazaki said. “This is just like when he would skip my tee-ball games as a kid and say he was making a deal with the forest spirits, or when he missed my fifth birthday for a baby bird that was in trouble. My dad is always embarking on some beautiful adventure with the explicit purpose of ignoring me. Now, he misses the biggest moment of my career because he magically transformed into a river. He told me he was on his way to see it, but he accidentally angered a witch who punished him by cursing him to be a river. And the worst part is that it was right after I told him that my movie was going to premiere exclusively in Fortnite! It’s so cool. It’s the first Studio Ghibli movie to be made entirely using assets and characters from Fortnite.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Hayao Miyazaki later admitted his transformation was a welcome alternative to seeing his son’s work.

“I would rather be a river for all eternity than watch that filth,” Miyazaki said. “How could my own flesh and blood make a movie that has nothing to say about the horrors of war or the tranquil beauty of nature? It doesn’t even have any planes for Christ’s sake! His film is an animated movie about a child cursed by a witch. What a stupid premise for a movie. Now, an animated movie about a child cursed by a witch, but it’s also a condemnation of the Iraq War? Now there’s a picture.”

At press time, Hayao Miyazaki sent a telegram to Gorō assuring his son that while he could not attend the film’s screening, he was confident that his son brought great shame to his family and the artform as a whole.

Paramount Urges Teens Not to Try Watching New Jackass Movie at Home

Posted on February 4, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Paramount executives have issued a disclaimer surrounding their upcoming sequel Jackass Forever urging fans of the franchise to be responsible and under no circumstances try to pirate the movie to watch at home.

“We know delayed releases and COVID variants are the kind of things that make kids do something scary like stay home and download a movie instead of seeing it legit in a theater,” said Franklin Kemp, a Paramount executive. “Today we are begging you to ignore your urges, ignore the peer pressure, and whatever you do, please pay full price for our film when it comes out. The safety of our company’s future depends on it.”

Many fans of the franchise reportedly weren’t planning on heeding Paramount’s urges.

“They put warnings on all of those movies, and it’s never once affected me,” said Joe Booker, who’s been a fan of Jackass for decades at this point. “It’s obvious they just put that stuff on there because they have to. So yeah, I’m afraid I will be downloading the movie at home and ignoring their requests, much like I put a toy car up my ass after seeing the first movie and did enough cocaine to almost kill myself after seeing the second. You just can’t control the Jackass fans, man.”

Though most of the fanbase rejected the plea, Johnny Knoxville, the de facto leader of the group, issued a request that fans heed the request.

“I know there’s nothing cool about lining up and paying 12 bucks to sit in a petri dish so you can watch us puke on each other,” said Knoxville in a video posted to his Instagram page last night. “But if we don’t do a good box office on this one there’s talks of, and I still can’t believe it, one more Jackass movie. Do you guys want me to be killed by a bull? Because if you pirate this movie I’ll be killed by a bull while we make the next one. I can just tell.”

As of press time, Paramount decided to move the Jackass Forever premiere date a few more months back just to make sure everybody knows what the deal is.

New Batman Prequel to Focus on Bruce Wayne’s Parents Getting Really Into Theatre

Posted on February 3, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — With the Caped Crusader’s latest cinematic reimagining, The Batman, hitting theaters next month, Warner Bros. has announced their next take on the iconic character’s history, a prequel that will mostly focus on a young Bruce Wayne’s parents getting really into the local Gotham theatre scene.

“Oh look at that, season tickets,” begins the ominous teaser that premiered online earlier today, as a young woman opens an envelope on Christmas Morning. “What a wonderful gift from The Monarch Theatre. Maybe we should go check out a show sometime after all. I hear they’re doing wonderful things with that part of town!”

The film will be directed by up and coming director Colton Harris, who spoke to the press earlier this morning about his upcoming feature, which sees the Wayne’s take in many iconic theatrical productions before what he calls an ‘explosive finale.’

“Look, there’s one thing people want to know about their favorite characters,” he said. “What were they like as little pissy-pants kids? We’ve seen glimpses of it here and there, but we’ve never gotten to fully dive into what it was like when The World’s Greatest Detective had to stay home from school for two weeks because he was sad. Needless to say, this is going to be one of the darkest takes on The Dark Knight that we’ve seen yet.”

The titular role was cast after an exhaustive search of actors that could portray the brooding Bruce Wayne character with the appropriate amount of gravitas required for the role.

“They said I get to be Batman,” said Conner Carlson, a nine year old child that won the coveted part out of over 10,000 applicants. “But then they said I just have to pwetwend to watch Phantum of the Opwah [sic] and that I don’t get to fight anybody. But they promised I get to be Batman! Look out mister Joker man!”

As of press time it was announced that the upcoming prequel will actually be split into two three-hour movies, titled Batman: Overture and Batman: The Long Dark Intermission.

Super7 Releases Action Figure of Hidden Penis From VHS Cover of ‘The Little Mermaid’

Posted on February 3, 2022 by Chris Bowen

SAN FRANCISCO — With fans across the internet clamoring for restocks after the anticipated item immediately sold out, the specialty nostalgic toy manufacturer Super7 have released their most detailed figure yet today which depicts the hidden penis from the background art on the VHS cover of Disney’s The Little Mermaid.

“Thank you all for making the launch of the Little Mermaid Penis Tower figure a huge success,” said Super7 creative director Albert Donald in a series of tweets. “We’re thrilled to have created the ultimate nostalgic collector’s piece and you’ve helped to make it an instant smash hit. The global supply chain crisis is certainly bad for supply and demand, and we regret that not everyone who wanted a Penis Tower was able to purchase one at this time, but at least now we have some time to develop a glow-in-the-dark edition for the second production run! Stay tuned for more updates!”

Local comic book shop owners who were responsible for some bulk orders of existing stock say they anticipate the in-demand phallic toy will generate lots of interest from shoppers.

“I’m not surprised that this is the direction that Super7 is headed in,” said comic book store owner Bruce Wood, using a pallet jack to load a crate of Little Mermaid Penis Tower toys into his storeroom. “They used to do characters from Iron Maiden album covers, old G.I. Joes, stuff like that. But there’s also a lot of money in Disney nostalgia, I guess, especially the edgy, urban legend stuff like whatever this weird tower is supposed to be. I’m sure it’ll sell well, or at least I hope so, because I bought fifty of these things in bulk.”

At press time, designers at Super7 were reportedly hard at work attempting to follow up on their success with a toy version of the scattered leaves in The Lion King that spell out the word “sex.”

Opinion: Why I’m Excited About the Metaverse

Posted on February 2, 2022 by Hard Drive Staff

Hey readers! It’s me, ᵃ ˡᵒᶜᵃˡ ʳᵉᵍᶦˢᵗᵉʳᵉᵈ ˢᵉˣ ᵒᶠᶠᵉⁿᵈᵉʳ, and I’m here to tell you why I’m SO EXCITED about the Metaverse and all the possibilities this unexplored new frontier has to offer. A lot of us have been waiting for virtual reality to take hold for a while. Like, I mean for a really, really long time. That’s why I’m so excited for a new place to hang out in that only requires you to have a Meta Quest brought to you by Facebook! Really! That’s all you need! You don’t have to give up any personal information to sign up.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve grown bored of your stupid old neighborhood. I mean, there’s only so many places you can truly go, am I right? This world, while beautiful in its own way, has limitations. Places you can and cannot go, for VARIOUS REASONS, and the Metaverse is here to return us all back to square one. Your only limit is your imagination in the Metaverse. You want to drive a Porsche through the European countryside? Fight alongside the Avengers? Go inside a Burger King again? ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!

Now, there has been a predictable chorus of cynics and naysayers, saying things like, “Nobody asked for this,” and “This doesn’t even look that good,” and “We shouldn’t create safe havens for those who have proven to be criminally sexual deviants.” A lot of people have been saying this, frankly.

Another thing that is super exciting about the Metaverse is you can customize your avatar! Don’t like your eyes? Your hair? Your age? Your resemblance to the fella in the poster up at the Burger King? You’re in the driver’s seat! Change your eyes, cut that hair, remove the stab wounds from your face!

What excited me about the Metaverse the most (besides the gorgeous graphics) when I first heard about it was that I realized I’d finally get to be in control. When we enter this new digital frontier, we can pick what baggage we take or leave behind. A fresh start. The ability to put the best version of yourself forward. Isn’t that great? ᴬˡˢᵒ ᴵ ᵃᵐ ᵃ ʳᵃᵖᶦˢᵗ. See ya in the ‘Verse, dudes!

Surprise, Musicians! Your Music Is Now Being Sold as NFTs on Hitpiece. No, Seriously, Go Check

Posted on February 2, 2022 by Walker MacDonald

From the early iterations in music piracy like Napster and Limewire, to the revolutionary streaming services of the 2010’s like Spotify and Tidal, musicians both professional and independent have been through a lot in the digital age. Now, Hitpiece, a new service that was founded, fucking, I don’t know, like today, apparently, aims to marry the two eras by both making your music easily accessible to the masses while simultaneously robbing you blind.

And yes, I do mean you, the reader. If you make music and have uploaded it to Spotify or any other online distributor, it’s probably there! Literally every musician I can conceive of is there! Stands to reason you would be too! To the moon, everybody! Either in the cockpit, or kidnapped, chloroformed, and bound to the hull.

The news first broke today to many musicians much in the same way you might learn about a terrorist attack, a flurry of confused tweets and indistinct troubling images from peers. What I’m saying is that this is like, an incalculable number of 9/11s. Everyone who has ever uttered a syllable into a microphone and tried to make a dime off of it, is being hand delivered their own personal 9/11. And strangers can bid on it with fake money! It’s that bad!

From your local high school metal band to literally Kanye West (who in only the last 48 hours publicly announced his own disdain for the NFT platform), musicians from all walks of life are certainly trying to figure out how exactly this came to be. The last time artists were this united in a cause against a human disease was Live AID.

Now you might be wondering: hold on. Is this legal? Is it legal to just steal literally all of music and list it online to be sold on the blockchain? Not even selling the music — just the digital rights to the token that represents it? That’s gotta be illegal, right?

And the answer is… I dunno, probably! Sounds pretty illegal.

As of now, all evidence points towards accomplished crypto cretin/bug person Rory Felton and failed, ageing, probably D12 obsessed, self-proclaimed “Hip-Hop Head” MC Serch. Not much is known about the pair at present time, but at the very least, it’s nice to know where musicians can send their fists to decentralize these guys’ teeth from their mouths.

‘Pokémon Legends: Arceus’ Healed My Debilitating Pokémon Trauma

Posted on February 1, 2022 by Minus World

Like any good video game journalist, I must begin with my trauma. It was the late ’90s. I was in grade school. I had been playing Pokémon Red for a couple years, and after all the wheeling and dealing, all the summer camp cloning sessions, I had 150 Pokémon.

But I had not caught ‘em all. One of my Pokémon was a Mew I got off my friend who had a GameShark. I was still missing Jolteon. I kept my ear to the ground, waiting for a chance to complete my collection. Then, one afternoon, I dropped my Game Boy while I was saving the game. The batteries fell out. I put them back in, the Game Boy restarted, and—

Don’t make me say it.

My save file was gone. It was one of those moments that changes you forever. Many have suffered before me, you think. Now it’s my turn. I felt that I had joined a great chain of human suffering, reaching back into the darkness of prehistory. God had forsaken me. I moved on, but I left a small part of me on that bedroom floor, staring at NEW GAME on the home screen. I kept playing the games, but I swore off trying to catch ‘em all.

In the previous generations of their games, Game Freak has made it very easy to complete the story without really collecting Pokémon. Each installment is presented as a series of battles, held together with a light story. Winning has always been effortless. You can catch a diverse team of Pokémon in the first few regions, level them up with you the rest of the game, and trounce the Elite Four (or its latest incarnation). That’s all I’ve done—until now.

Pokémon Legends: Arceus came out a few days ago, and the reviews are all over the place. IGN essentially panned it. Polygon was more forgiving. Redditors are furious. Other Redditors are furious at those Redditors. Hell, even esteemed video game website Minus World gave it a pretty mixed review. The debate rages. But if you read all these reviews, you’ll find that every single one of them comes from the same kind of gamer: the kind who has completed a significant amount of Pokémon Legends: Arceus. That’s not me. I’m barely past the second region. Why? Because I’m too busy catching ‘em all.

Pokémon Legends: Arceus healed my trauma. Until now, catching Pokémon was a grueling ordeal: enter battle mode, see if it’s the Pokémon you want, put them to sleep, lower their HP, throw the ball, repeat. The process was painful. The rewards were thin. Filling the Pokédex was the most monotonous side quest ever created, and it triggered that feeling of futility I had all those years ago, on the bedroom floor: What was the point of all this?

Now, I’m crafting Pokeballs by the hundreds, casting them like a net across the fields, catching dozens of Pokémon and checking them off in my notebook. No pacing, no flashing lights, no battle mode—the triggers are gone.

Once again, after all these years, I really do gotta catch ‘em all.

Stupidly Named Indie Game Would Have Brought You 300 Hours of Joy

Posted on February 1, 2022 by Matt Shore

SAN FRANCISCO 一 An indie game that critics have described as “an addictive combination of combat and charisma” and “the next closest thing to true love” failed to spark your interest today due to the fact that you were ultimately repulsed by the sheer stupidity of the game’s title, despite the fact that it would have reportedly provided you with over 300 hours of non-stop entertainment.

“Whoa, how did something with a dumb name like that get a 97 on Metacritic?” you reportedly exclaimed to no one in particular, while your cursor hovered over the “Add to Cart” button before darting away as your brain struggled with a series of incoherent nouns. “What does that even mean? I don’t have enough time in the day to play some stupid shit like this.”

The indie game in question, BackZone Cyberfront; Scalawags for Susan, has received overwhelmingly positive reviews from the Steam community, despite the fact that a vast majority of them beg the reader to ignore the game’s title.

“Insane mix of RPG, Dating Sim, and Kart Racer,” wrote Steam user Penusaur420. “Really fucking stupid name, and that’s coming from me. But please, just play it!”

Though the reviews make a strong case for BackZone’s triumphant blend of romance, storytelling, sword-fighting and stunt-based racing, no amount of praise could convince you that any game including the phrase Scalawags for Susan could ever suit you. Little did you know, however, had you purchased this game in spite of its title, you would have rediscovered a joy that has eluded you since childhood.

“It was a mistake not to come up with a catchier name,” said Charlotte Lam, lead developer at developer Vengeful Puffin Studios. “The BackZone part makes perfect sense — that’s where the game takes place — but there’s no ‘cyber’ component to the game at all. And we accidentally patched out Susan, so good luck being her scalawag, whatever that means. That’s on us, for sure.”

Sources say that after some deliberation you then decided to play Far Cry 6 just because you recognized the title, wasting precious hours that an alternate version of you could have spent blissfully absorbed in the world of Susan’s scalawags.

Mom Excited to Tell You About New Game She Heard of Called “Minecraft”

Posted on February 1, 2022 by Colleen Nerney

SARATOGA SPRINGS, Fla. — Local sources report that Mom has been excited to call you, as she learned about one of those video games you like, called Minecraft.

“Your nephew was playing this game, Minecraft. I thought of you as soon as I saw it,” Mom said, barely containing her glee. “It’s this gigantic, magical world, and everything is shaped like a square. He–he built this whole house, from the ground up, by collecting all sorts of rocks and wood and things. He had a pickaxe and everything. I don’t really know how it works, but you can play with other people from all over the world,” she added, pausing to catch her breath, “and there are baby animals, which is just too sweet, don’t you think?”

When asked to comment, your nephew was happy to corroborate Mom’s story.

“You should have seen her. She did a full pogchamp when I showed her my all-diamond mansion in the Five Nights at Freddy’s Server I host. She literally ran to the phone to call you. I’ll admit — it’s a little cute,” said your nephew, 10, sipping apple juice in the kitchen. “She’s clearly trying to relate to you on a personal level, even though she thinks she’s being current regarding a game that came out literally before I was born. What’s she gonna hear about next, ‘this hilarious band called LMFAO?’”

According to those familiar with the situation, Dad was not as enthralled with the wildly popular series that’s been topping sales charts for the last decade.

“I don’t understand it,” Dad said, briefly wrestling the phone receiver from Mom’s hands. “Your nephew spends all of his free hours on the computer playing this game. He has four monitors. Four! No kid needs that much screen time. And here’s your mother, enabling him because she’s so enamored with these damn cubes. This… this isn’t what you’ve been doing when you play those ‘video games’ of yours, is it? Please tell me it’s not.”

Mom later ended the call by offering to send you a copy for your Nintendo.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News