Alexmcmillan, Author at Hard Drive

Marvel Confirms They’re Working on Another Movie

Posted on February 19, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

BURBANK, Calif. — Marvel Studios confirmed months of rumors and online speculation today when they stated that they are in fact working on another cinematic adaptation of one of their iconic comic books.

“Oh fuck yes, finally some good news,” said Chuck Walters, a Marvel fan who was overjoyed about the announcement. “People were talking online like it was a sure thing, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up too early. The last few years have been pretty fucked up for movies, and I think they had to pay Scarlet Johansson a lot of money from that lawsuit. Glad to see they were able to bounce back. Do you think they’ll reboot any of my favorite cartoons from my childhood next?”

Many fans speculated about the nature of the new film, of which little is officially known.

“Maybe we’re getting MCU versions of Fin Fang Foom or Alpha Flight or something,” said Lindsay Cartwright, another Marvel superfan. “That would be so sick. Or maybe it’ll just be a new Hulk movie, we’ve been wanting a proper one of those for years after the last two came out so bad. After Guardians 3 and Thor 4 and Ant Man 3, they should really do a Hulk 1 Part 3. That would be so sick.”

Marvel executives refused to give away too much information about the movie, expected to release this holiday season.

“Truthfully, we don’t know too much about this film yet,” said Kevin Feige, president of Marvel Studios. “Except that it will be introducing a new character into the cinematic universe, there will be a good amount of quips throughout the film, which I can assure you will be about a half hour too long, and then a big gray action sequence will happen at the end that doesn’t really settle anything except killing off the villain we just introduced a few hours before. Oh, and Doctor Strange shows up at some point, I would assume. You’re all really in for a treat!”

As of press time, Feige encouraged fans to stay after the film’s credits, indicating that there may be “a bit of a surprise,” waiting for audience members.

NASA Tells Fans to Watch This Space

Posted on February 19, 2022 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Top scientists at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration released a statement to fans today, urging them to “watch this space.”

“NASA fans are going to want to watch this space for sure 👀,” said Administrator of NASA Bill Nelson. “I mean, like actual space. Well we’ll be watching this space too, because that’s our job. We use really big telescopes. But you should watch it… because there’s gonna be stuff up there coming soon. Sorry, I mean the stuff is already there — planets and such. Been there a really long time, actually. But we’ll be announcing some of the stuff here on our social media accounts. So watch this space to see what we found watching the other space, like outer space. God damn it, I’m too old for this shit.”

According to those familiar with the situation, in an effort to balance the national budget, the Biden administration has instructed NASA to either modernize its language and revenue-raising strategies or expect severe budget cuts.

“We might be going to war with Russia, man! We need cash, baby!” explained President Joe Biden in a statement to the press. “If NASA wants to keep grooving here, they need to get with the times. Start a Patreon or something. Get used to posting emojis on your account. Hire a kid to do it — I don’t care — but get it done or else that money is going right back into the military. You gotta figure these things out. You know, when I was a kid, I went door to door selling weed popsicles. Sorry, I shouldn’t say that. I was selling marijuana popsicles.”

Despite complaints about the new agenda from top members of NASA, the promotions have been met with very positive responses.

“OMGGG!!!!! YESSSS 💖💖💖” said one of several thousand NASA stan accounts that have popped up on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok over the past few weeks. “STAN NEPTUNE!!!!! WE LOVE YOU SO EXCITED!!!!!!!” The account also posted a video featuring various photos and clips of the planet Neptune edited together in a slideshow over Doja Cat’s “Boss Bitch.”

At press time, NASA revealed that the exciting news was a comet expected to hit Earth and end all of life within the next few days.

Gamer’s Service Dog Barks When His Frame Rate Starts to Dip

Posted on February 19, 2022 by Dan Tomascik

KANSAS CITY — Judah Johansson, an avid MOBA and FPS player, has trained his dog to alert him the moment his frame rate begins to dip.

“There are all sorts of dogs out there with real jobs — K-9 units, seizure alert dogs, seeing-eye dogs — and I realized that, as a Twitch streamer, I needed special help of my own,” said Johansson of his chocolate lab, Ping. “We started off simple. The dog came to understand when lag was happening by the way I’d slam my fist on my desk—something I had already been doing. From there, his sense only became more developed. Today, Ping’s skills are so sharp that if I load up in Halo Infinite, he just starts barking immediately.”

Ping can be seen on his walks, wearing an RGB harness with the numbers “1337” velcro’d onto the back. During stressful matches, he places a paw on Johansson’s right hand whenever he senses a frame rate dip, to not break Johansson’s concentration. During egregious DOTA games, Ping also knows how to force shut-down Johansson’s computer.

“I joined a Facebook group for people with therapy dogs, but they failed to recognize my condition as being ‘genuine,’” said Johansson. “When that went south, I found another group specifically for gamers with service pets. You wouldn’t believe the diversity in this community.”

Johansson was grateful to have found a place where he and Ping could be accepted.

“There’s even a guy with an African grey parrot that yells ‘bullshit’ when he dies in Call of Duty,” said Johansson. “It’s just nice to know I’m not alone.”

Nintendo Reveals the Mario That Goes Into The Pipes Is Not the Same One That Comes Out

Posted on February 19, 2022 by Seth Finkelstein

KYOTO, Japan— Nintendo released a cryptic statement today alleging that the Mario who enters one of the iconic green pipes in any video game is a different Mario than the one who exits.

“While it may seem to be the same Mario from Point A to Point B, it brings us no pleasure to reveal that this is not the case,” said the statement, released in the dead of night. “The Marios who leave the pipes are wholly new creatures. We don’t know what they want from us or what’s happened to the old ones. All we know is that they’re here. Every time you enter a warp pipe in one of our games, you are essentially killing the Mario that you’re controlling.”

The revelation that players are personally responsible for the eradication of billions of innocent Marios simply by playing has unsettled the Mario community.

“I always noticed that Mario had one or two pixels out of place coming out of the pipes, but I chalked it up to Nintendo’s hardware being underpowered,” said Mario 64 speedrunner KoopaTuna. “I never realized that I was destroying the Mario I was playing with atom by atom and replacing it with some…thing. How many Marios am I responsible for?”

Nintendo has refused to comment further and has actively sought to silence those who wish to release more information.

“They’ve known this since the beginning,” wrote a mysterious message by “PikminDaddy” posted to 4Chan’s /v/ board. “It goes all the way to the top. I’ve tried for years to reveal it, but they’ve stopped me at every turn. This is just the beginning. Haven’t you ever wondered where the Donkey Kongs in the barrels came from???? My uncle works at Nintendo and gave me all the inside details!!!!”

At press time, hundreds of unsuspecting tourists were lined up to enter a big pipe at Universal Studios Japan’s Super Nintendo World, unaware of the grim fate that awaits them.

Looking Back on Roger Ebert’s Favorite Film ‘HALO 2 ALL CUTSCENES (4K 60FPS) GAMEMOVIE’

Posted on February 12, 2022 by Jonah Nink

Nearly a decade after Roger Ebert’s death, the film critic’s legacy looms large over Hollywood. Ebert had a special way of looking at movies and gave a critical eye to all films, regardless of how he thought the audience felt he should feel about them. But what about his favorite film of all time? Today, we look back at the one film Roger Ebert ever gave a five-star review to: HALO 2 ALL CUTSCENES (4K 60FPS) GAMEMOVIE.

In the final years of his life, Ebert had all but given up on finding, as he called it, “the perfect film.” La Caremonie, Senso, the Cabinet of Dr. Caligari… all are great films, but none of them great enough to be the “one,” according to Ebert. Then, one day, a fellow critic recommended he watch this “quaint little animated sci-fi film” that had been making waves on the YouTube scene. Ebert checked it out, and immediately rediscovered his love of the medium.

The cutscene compilation, which was released on the StonedGamerZPresents YouTube channel in 2011, and likely edited by StonedGamerZ himself, was publicly lauded by Ebert as “the greatest film of all time.”

“This Master Chief character is a tough cookie, clad in an alien, olive green carapace, but he isn’t a monolith. He has a soul,” said Ebert in his original review of the film. “When Chief promises to ‘give the Covenant back their bomb’ before diving toward the alien vessel, I cheered. I leapt from my seat. The cutscenes, which are slickly intercut with only the most essential bits of gameplay, are cinematic bliss. A Yin to the bombast of Chief’s Yang, the Arbiter’s moments are a quieter, more contemplative dissection of religious piety. Those who decry these sections as ‘boring’ don’t understand good pacing. What StonedGamerZPresents has done here is truly exceptional.”

Despite Ebert’s praise, HALO 2 ALL CUTSCENES (4K 60FPS) GAMEMOVIE has never earned an endorsement from Bungie.

“I mean, I’m glad he liked it?” said Bungie spokesperson Charlie Roth. “Sure they’re good cutscenes, but most of the content from the actual game, where the real work was put in, is missing. I feel like the YouTube channels get more recognition than the game’s actual developers. The Palme d’Or win at Cannes was bad enough, but this is too much.”

Unfortunately, HALO 2 ALL CUTSCENES (4K 60FPS) GAMEMOVIE has been delisted from YouTube after a DMCA strike from Bungie, and is incredibly difficult to find online. Hopefully one day, the film will make its way onto a streaming service or the Criterion Channel in the near future. When he was alive, Ebert said often that he wished the film would play at a theater, because he felt it would have been one of the greatest movie-going experiences in his life.

It is a deep shame that Ebert did not live long enough to see the Halo 2: Anniversary edition of StonedGamerZ’s massive work. But if you seek out the film — either the original or the remake — know that the legend of film criticism is smiling down on you.

Vengeance-Stricken Charles Martinet Lands Lead Role in Chris Pratt Biopic

Posted on February 12, 2022 by Camden Brazile

LOS ANGELES — Video game icon and the voice behind Mario, as well as several other Nintendo characters, Charles Martinet announced today that he will be playing the lead role in an upcoming biopic about actor Chris Pratt, seemingly out of spite for Pratt’s new role in Illumination’s unreleased Mario film.

“Not so funny when it happens to you is it, Mr. Pratt?” Martinet said in a malicious press conference. “You think you can just take anything that belongs to me, and I’ll just roll over like a bitch and let you give it to me? Think again, fucker. Martinet is coming after you. Mario was my baby, and you waltz in there with your handsome face and take away what I worked towards for over twenty years. Well I’m coming after you, Mr. Pratt. While you’re in the voice booth talking about Koopas with Jack Black, I’ll be gaining a bunch of weight to play early you and then getting shredded to play current you. We’ll see who’s laughing when you watch me suck face with Anna Farris on 20,000 screens.”

Pratt returned fire at Martinet, refusing to back down to a challenge.

“Bring it on old man, I’ll fuck you up,” Pratt said. “My father in law is The Terminator and I played an intergalactic superhero. I’m going to pistol whip your gray-haired ass into the ground before you can say ‘It’s-a Me.’ Iconic voice or not, you think your dumbass Italian accent could get you through Zero Dark Thirty? I didn’t think so. I have God on my side; God watched every single episode of Parks and Rec, motherfucker.”

“That being said,” Pratt added, “If you could come in to do some voice acting for Wario and Waluigi, that would be great. We just can’t seem to narrow down those voices yet so it would be a big help.”

At press time, Hollywood insiders worried that Martinet’s plan could be foiled by the notion that nobody would ever see a movie about Chris Pratt’s life.

Jaded Disney Adult Can’t Imagine Bringing a Child Into This Fucked-up Disney World

Posted on February 12, 2022 by Eli Johnson

LAKE BUENA VISTA, Fla. — Disney World season passholder Dylan Schaeffer, 36, recently bemoaned the state of his favorite theme park, questioning why anyone would, in good conscience, bring a child into it.

“I honestly believe that bringing a child into this Disney World is a deeply cruel and selfish act,” Schaeffer said. “For starters, there’s the overpopulation issue, with hordes of screaming brats making lines longer every year. Then there’s the depletion of our natural resources. Just on my last trip, entire shelves of Funko Pops were stripped bare. This place used to be so beautiful.”

Schaeffer also complained about the exorbitant expense of having children in this Disney World.

“Financially, the decision to reproduce is disastrous,” Schaeffer continued. “By foregoing parenthood, I’ve been able to travel the world via EPCOT and spoil myself with world-class cuisine. Seriously, they know my name at Be Our Guest Restaurant. It’s time we faced reality and admitted that Disney World simply isn’t fit for children.”

Schaeffer’s disdain for parenthood was confirmed by longtime friend Nate Heffernan.

“Dylan has been weird since my daughter was born. He’ll text me pictures of himself at Space Mountain and caption it like, ‘Don’t you wish you could still do stuff like this?’ and I’m not sure what point he’s trying to make. He’s been on that ride like 1,000 times,” said Hefferman. “Then again, last time we hung out, he got mad at me for leaving after ‘only 4 hours’ of GoldenEye.”

Schaeffer was last seen asking Elsa if she was familiar with r/childfree.

Due to Ongoing Litigation We Must Refer to This Creature as Speed Weasel

Posted on February 12, 2022 by Matt Shore

TOKYO 一 As a result of litigation involving Sega Corporation and Paramount Pictures, publications including Hard Drive have been banned from calling Sega’s well-known mascot by his former name; instead, he must henceforth be referred to as “Speed Weasel.”

Fans of “Speed Weasel” are no doubt wondering about the long-term ramifications of the legal battle, but Morio Kishimoto, director of the hotly anticipated ‘Speed Weasel’ Frontiers, promises that his goal is to give players the kind of “Speed Weasel” experience they deserve.

“This lawsuit is a trifling matter,” said Kishimoto. “Even if it is not resolved, players of ‘Speed Weasel’ Frontiers will be sure to recognize the character’s iconic moves, such as the ‘rotation sprint’ and [FORMAL NAME PENDING RESULT OF LAWSUIT].”

Details about the inciting incident of this feud remained murky. Executive producer of Paramount Pictures’ upcoming sequel “Speed” the “Weasel” 2, Tim Miller, dodged direct questions about the incident, saying only that he was “disgusted” by what happened to “that echidna.”

“Kids love Son— eh, you almost got me,” said Miller. “‘Speed Weasel.’ Kids love ‘Speed Weasel’ and his friend, ‘Flight Mammal.’ They don’t care about what one actor may have done in his dressing room with one, or several, creatures. They just want a good time at the movies.”

On a more inspiring note, the ‘Speed Weasel’ fan community was undeterred by the ongoing litigation, diligently rebranding their content to fit the new nomenclature. One popular artist known by the online handle AmyRoseInflator had this to say:

“This is just another example of big corporations trying to ruin our childhoods by perverting it somehow. But as long as ‘Speed Weasel’ exists, no matter how they rebrand him, we’ll find ways to make him thick, beautiful, and dripping with [REDACTED].”

As of press time, there have also been no updates on the situation involving Nintendo and their flagship character Overall-Wearing Plumber Man Who Loves Jumping.

Link From ‘Link’s Awakening’ So Happy to No Longer Be in a Dream World But Instead Starving to Death in the Middle of the Ocean

Posted on February 11, 2022 by Stephen Bell

OPEN WATERS, Hyrule — Hero of legend Link was reportedly thrilled to find himself dying of hunger in the cold sea after saving a giant fish god who was having a bad dream.

“My experience living in the Wind Fish’s dream — experiencing Koholint Island, defeating all of the nightmares — is something I’m going to remember for the rest of my life. Which probably won’t be much longer considering I am now stranded on a log in the middle of the ocean without any food or a sail,” said an emaciated Link. “When the dream ended and I saw the Wind Fish flying above me, I expected that he would at least offer me a ride or something. Instead, he kept swimming through the air off into the horizon. I am so seriously screwed right now. I hope someone at least writes a ballad about me after I die.”

When reached for comment, the Wind Fish appeared unconcerned about the hero’s plight.

“Gosh, you know, I’d really like to save that young boy who helped me out. But I am really busy,” said the giant kaleidoscopic whale god. “It’s like, a really nice day out and I’ve been through a lot recently with those nightmares messing with my dreams so I think I need to take some ‘me’ time and enjoy these cool ocean wind currents. Besides, he’s got those pegasus boots doesn’t he? I bet he could just run across the water. Assuming I didn’t dream that… I mean umm I’m getting sleepy again bye.”

Princess Zelda seemed miffed that Link had not shown up to work yet.

“Unless his boat got hit by lightning on the way here, I am going to be so pissed when I see him,” said Zelda. “He’s always coming up with these lame excuses for why he’s not showing up to work. ‘The Temple of Seasons sunk, some tiny people gave me a hat that shrank me, I had to go to my uncle’s funeral,’ yadda yadda yadda. I bet he’ll tell me some bullshit about getting himself stuck inside a whale’s dream or something. You’d have to be some sort of bored employee making fanfiction after work to come up with something that dumb, though.”

At press time, it was reported that Link was able to stave off starvation for a little while longer by eating a seagull he caught which had a red hibiscus flower tucked into its feathers.

The Last Wii U Game Nintendo Needs to Port to Switch Is Netflix

Posted on February 11, 2022 by Minus World

Before I start complaining too much, let me say this: I love my Switch. About three years ago my wife and I got rid of most of our shit and piled into a camper to boondock across America for a while, and it’s honestly difficult to imagine our unplug-from-the-grid phase without my Switch by my side (I was like so-so at the whole “going off the grid thing,” obviously). While we were roughing it without a bathroom or a leakproof ceiling, I recall spending many nights playing Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle and yelling into the beautiful countryside “Why is this stupid game so fun?” I endured the drudgery of laundromats all over the midwest with a little help from Hollow Knight. I also played a lot of Battle Chef Brigade on my laptop, which doesn’t really fit into this narrative at all, but holy crap, go play Battle Chef Brigade everybody.

So okay, I love my Switch. I just wish it could do more. Like, things that have been considered basic for years and years at this point. The other day, after having read his SCATHING DAMNATION of the new Pokémon game, “Pokémon Legends: Arceus Is Exactly the Game Fans Begged For in Like 2011,” I saw my homeboy Jeremy “The King” Kaplowitz was online and playing Pokemon. I went to send him a message that said, “Have fun in 2011,” but I couldn’t. I was stuck in 2004. Why can’t I send my friend a little message and bust his balls a little bit? I understand Nintendo’s family friendly approach means that they don’t want players being harassed, so I understand not allowing DM’s to strangers, but to my friends? My very close Nintendo friends? My good Nintendo friend SW-1952-1782-8870? Get with the times, Nintendo.

The inability to tell my friend he was stuck in time got me thinking about the Switch in general. About how it contains the greatest game library I’ve ever owned, but it’s stuck on underwhelming hardware. Sadly, this is but one of several ways that Nintendo has prevented the Switch from being a truly great system. For every Breath of the Wild, there’s a convoluted online subscription service. For every Metroid Dread, a feature you can’t believe a major video game console would be without in 2022.

I think for me the most glaring oversight may be the absolutely abysmal options the Switch offers for video apps. They have Netflix on dryers now, but still not the gaming system I play every day. Seriously, how am I able to play Hades, Super Mario Bros. 3, Knights of the Old Republic, Portal 2 (soon), and Mario Kart 8, yet it still has less exciting video options than my 3DS offered?

And that’s part of what makes this so frustrating, there is a history of Netflix being on Nintendo consoles. Did you know the Wii literally was able to stream Netflix a decade ago? A decade! Think about that.

Okay, that’s probably enough thinking. Thank you. Most people don’t think about shit when an article tells them to. They just keep reading. But you really thought about it when I asked. That’s so cool.

A decade ago, apps and streaming technology were blowing our minds with their convenience and innovation. Ten years later, and if I have to charge a device and I can’t watch 30 Rock reruns on it, what in the fuck are you even doing? The Switch has skated by on its good looks and Mario games for too long. I will no longer afford Nintendo the forgiveness I refused to bestow on my FitBit. It’s time to do better Nintendo, or the Switch is going in the microwave as well. Don’t mess with me.

And look, I’m not trying to go to bat for Netflix exclusively. Hell, by the time you’re done reading this they will have announced another price hike and I’ll probably cancel it until they make some new MST3k episodes or something. I’m just saying I wish Nintendo wouldn’t confuse imitation for basic consumer expectations. I wish they wouldn’t insist on staying in their own lane, even when the other lanes are doing really cool things. I wish they’d add a third video app, frankly.

Wednesday’s Nintendo Direct saw a plethora of remakes and re-releases spanning Nintendo’s history, from obscure NES games to an update to Wii Sports that I don’t think anybody saw coming. Maybe one day they’ll run out of games to bring back from the last few Nintendo systems and we finally will get a Netflix app.

In the meantime, hopefully that Mario movie comes to Hulu eventually, because that’s the only way you’ll be able to watch it on a Nintendo Switch.

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