‘How Did We Ever Beat This as Kids?’ A Look Back on the Necessity of the Player’s Guide

Posted on by Kevin Podas

You’re feeling a little nostalgic and boot up a game from childhood. You blow on the cartridge and rekindle a little of that good serotonin tied to memories of simpler times. However, things are not as simple as you remember in this game. It’s cryptic, the map is confusing, and the hints from NPCs could be about literally fucking anything. You think to yourself, “how did we ever beat this as kids?”

Back in the day, games were smaller. Like, a lot smaller, compared to the open-world juggernauts of today like Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild and Elden Ring. In the ’80s and ’90s, games were either blisteringly difficult, which made it seem like they were longer than they really were, or, they were extremely confusing. Looking to make your game take way longer to finish? Try releasing it before saving is invented. Whatever the reason, it definitely bloated the replay value. If your memory of Ghosts ‘n Goblins’ runtime doesn’t match up with what is listed on HowLongToBeat.com, don’t be surprised.

“It’s dangerous to go alone! Take this.” These words would start you off on your quest in the original Legend of Zelda on NES. And as far as friendly advice goes, that’s about all you’re going to get, aside from some obscure hints from the NPCs scattered throughout the game’s world. The game’s instruction manual included a slightly more detailed map of the overworld that helped flesh out what was provided within the game, and offered a little more guidance. After all, the in-game map was nothing more than a gray rectangle with a blinking green dot indicating approximately where you were. Speaking of maps, the original Metroid on NES had no map. Do you believe that? A game that defined a genre that is so based on map-exploration, had no map. Huh.

So what the fuck were you supposed to do besides buy the Only Players Guide From The Pros At Nintendo? Well, there were also Nintendo Power magazine articles, highlights from EGM, but other than that, you were pretty much on your own if you didn’t have a players guide. But this is where things get interesting, as video games had to be more imaginative back then. With the hardware limitations of technology at the time, it’s hard to believe that these games held back on being intuitive on purpose. They did the best with what they had, and damn it, it built a sense of community. Things like playground rumors, online forums, etc. “I heard if you bomb the wall in Death Mountain, it opens a hidden cave.” “I heard if you give Dragonite a fire stone, it evolves into Yoshi!” “I heard if you shock Samus in Smash Bros with Pikachu and pause at the exact right second, you can see her naked.” It wasn’t all reliable, but it offered a sense of mystery and whimsy before the internet came and shat all over that idea. Was that time better? No, not necessarily. But it was different, and that’s worth something too.

Along with offering further direction, player’s guides offered a certain charm of a bygone era such as interviews with the creators, official artwork, and 3D renders of the characters. Remember the scratch and sniff Earthbound guide? Yeah, you can’t do that shit with a YouTube walkthrough. So while it’s easier than ever to get into video games, don’t let it get to your head that you beat Ocarina of Time’s water temple all on your own as a kid. We know damn well you used a player’s guide. Or you scrolled through a free GameFaqs walkthrough, in which case, you earned this victory lap.

Reviewer Who Tore Through 80 Hour Game in a Week Finds It a Bit Repetitive

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SAN FRANCISCO — A video game journalist tasked with spending roughly 11 hours a day playing a game in order to review it reportedly found the title “tedious and repetitive at times.”

“If you’re looking for varied gameplay in your dusk-to-dawn gaming sessions, steer clear of this uninspired amalgamation of everything that’s inspired it,” said Charles Pelton’s review of Mana Realm: Visions of Pestilence, the highly awaited open world RPG from critical darling developer Dual Handed Games. “Playing through most of the story mode in a single session really shines a light on how uninspired a lot of the later game design choices are. By the time you get to the fourth alchemy cave about 50 hours in, you’ll be like, ‘Uhh, didn’t I just do one of these YESTERDAY?’ Therefore, I cannot recommend this utterly repetitive game.”

Despite the negative feedback, many readers of the review said it wouldn’t discourage them from purchasing it themselves.

“Okay, but those alchemy caves sound amazing,” said Michael Yarvey, who has been anxiously awaiting the game’s release. “I don’t know, maybe I’m not much of a gamer, but I haven’t powered through every AAA release that’s come out for the last two years, I just sorta think this one looks fun. I think we’re coming at this from different angles, you know? For example, the review said this game is stuck in the Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla era of open world games. I am still playing Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla.” 

The Editor-in-Chief of the website that published Pelton’s review defended their methodology and practices. 

“Look, these guys are getting five hours of sleep a night, living off of microwaved bullshit, trying to beat immersive games while worrying about a deadline the entire time,” said Chris Barrington, Editor-in-Chief of Take This Games. “To think they’re going to have a good time reviewing these games is a little naive. Let’s be honest. if you’re wondering how fun a game is, you should see if there’s a demo, or maybe watch a stream or something. These bastards wouldn’t know fun if it came in and let them go outside for a minute.”

As of press time, Pelton’s review of Mana Realm: Visions of Pestilence was one of 147 that had been aggregated on the Metacritic website.

Welp: Looks Like Elden Ring Has Bought Off Every Single Reviewer

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

FromSoftware’s newest video game, Elden Ring, is set to release February 25th, 2022 and that means a bunch of reviews are coming out from websites and publications. Normally, like any game, you’d expect that there’s a wide array of responses as a result of the fact that reviewers have no obligation to tell anything other than the truth. Normally.

Well we regret to inform you that this is not the case with Elden Ring. It seems that FromSoftware has succeeded in buying off literally every single reviewer and forcing them, against their will, to give glowing reviews of Elden Ring. This is a disgrace for the industry.

Nothing is more important than the social contract between video game reviewers and video game players. If we can’t trust these people to review the games and tell the truth with every fiber of their being, then how the hell are we supposed to know if the game is good or not? That’s why it is such a brutal betrayal to see that FromSoftware has every single video game reviewer, from the big dogs at IGN to the smaller dogs and even puppies at websites no one reads, on their payroll. 

Think about it: how is it possible for Elden Ring to have gotten exclusively glowing reviews? It’s NOT. I played a few hours of Bloodborne (didn’t like it) and watched a negative review of Sekiro, so I know these games like the back of my hand and there’s just no way that so many websites are giving Elden Ring a 10/10. 

Maybe you’re thinking, oh maybe it’s just a really good game? OK even if it’s REALLY that good, do you really think it’s possible that every single website on the entire internet gave the game exactly a 10/10?! That’s pretty fucking weird! To be clear, they didn’t; several websites have given Elden Ring a lower score — but that’s even more sinister to think that these bastards at FromSoftware are paying reviewers to somewhat vary the scores to make sure it doesn’t look too suspicious. How far have these people thought ahead?! Well you can’t fool me!

And by the way, those fat cat video game reviewers have had it too good for too long. I am certain they each got paid a year’s worth of salary and didn’t even have to play the game to write their blogs. FromSoftware just sent them a list of required talking points back in 2021 and then they get all year to put their own spin on it. Having these people heard of working for a living?!

There’s only one solution to this: we have to boycott Elden Ring and every future FromSoftware game to ever come out. Hell, we might even need to boycott every RPG from now on if we want to get our message across. As consumers, the only power that wield is the power to boycott and we need to hit these fuckers where they hurt the most: their bank accounts. 

Luckily, we know the game must be way over budget considering the insane amount of money it cost them to pay off all of these reviewers (although, it’s also very possible they paid them nothing and instead had sex with literally every single video game reviewer — I will research further to find out if this is the case).

I know that our readers make up something like 90% to 95% of all video game fans, so I think that if we come together, stay strong, and all agree not to buy any more video games, we can fight this injustice. Also, I will be purchasing Elden Ring and playing through the game to investigate any falsehoods I can find in these paid reviewers. Stay vigilant, gamers; we can defeat the scourge that is FromSoftware. We’ll make them wish they never challenged our beloved hobby.

Call of Duty Changes Release Date to Avoid Competing With World War 3

Posted on by Matt Shore

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Activision Blizzard Inc. announced that it is bumping the release date of the next installment of the Call of Duty franchise, citing concerns that its planned release date would clash with the debut of hotly anticipated international conflict, World War 3.

“Nobody wants to play the next Call of Duty more than I do,” said Activision spokesman, Nevin Choma. “But if we want our game to be successful, it only makes sense to launch it at a time when a majority of our player base won’t be distracted by the release of our direct competitor, Verizon’s Skyward Drone Piloting Software. Based on the demo alone, gamers are going to have their hands full with that one, and not just because it’s mandatory. Besides, we need to see what the U.S. does in this Ukraine situation so we can have them fight against a fictional country doing that in our next game.”

According to those familiar with the situation, last year’s Call of Duty: Vanguard failed to meet Activision’s expectations after a large portion of the game’s fanbase died as a result of COVID-19, which the company cites as a “bummer.” Activision’s plan is now reportedly to delay the game to avoid disappointing sales that might accompany a launch during a potential nuclear war.

“Once the dust settles and the Chinese have global control, Call of Duty will have its time in the spotlight,” said Choma. “On a positive note, this extended production cycle will help us avoid crunch and provide the kind of trustworthy, satisfying experience that both our customers and our employees expect when they hear the name, Activision Blizzard.”

As Russia invades Ukraine, fascism rises globally, and violent conspiracy theorists amass around government buildings, gamers have but one question on their minds: what am I going to play this fall? Thankfully, Microsoft has announced, in lieu of a new Call of Duty, that it will be adding Russian Roulette to its catalog on Xbox Game Pass, complete with a free gun and single bullet to premium subscribers.

No Comedian Is as Funny as the 100 Gecs YouTube Comment Section

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

We live in a world where comedians are becoming less and less of a cultural force. COVID has put an end to many live comedy shows, the Upright Citizens Brigade theater has shut down, Dave Chappelle has put out several specials that are basically live solo podcasts, and comedians aim to get hired to write for a late night show or start a podcast to become a cultural commentator, either on the left or the right.

But maybe it’s time to admit that we no longer need comedians in the first place. Because we have something funnier than these rich kid losers now: the people who comment underneath 100 gecs videos on YouTube.

What is 100 gecs? OK well you know what a gec is? Now imagine 100 of them.

Fine, sure, whatever, real answer: 100 gecs is a musical group consisting of Laura Les and Dylan Brady. Arguably, right now, they’re the face of a growing genre called “hyperpop,” which can kind of be described as “everything all at once” and it’s terrific. It’s an assault of sounds that comes together into something incredibly new and fun. When I send a friend a 100 gecs song, I usually say something like, “I think you’ll really like this. It’s kind of a chiptune ska pop punk hip hop song, but also not really.”

Here’s the music video of the group’s breakout single “Money Machine” on YouTube:

The first time I heard 100 gecs, I found myself running through their music and videos and I went through a certain 7 stages of grief. 

  1. Is this ironic?
  2. I think this is actually genuine.
  3. You know what? I really appreciate their passion for this stuff even if it’s not necessarily for me. Watching their live performances, you can see them just going absolutely nuts on these songs with no hint of irony and I really respect that.
  4. I love this music and this band and this music is capital g Good.

There’s more than a lot to be said about 100 gecs, trans artists, the rise of hyperpop, collaborative art, the future of music, etc. But this isn’t an article about 100 gecs. You can find those anywhere. This is an article about the comments under their videos.

Maybe it’s because 100 gecs are the future that fans of 100 gecs are the harbingers of that future. Maybe not; I don’t entirely know what “harbinger” means. Nonetheless, here’s a list of comments I found under 100 gecs videos on YouTube that are as funny as any joke from any comedian working today:

If any of these comments are meant to be negative, I don’t wanna hear it. Cause I’m feeling clean like a money machine 💸💸💸💸✨✨✨✨✨🥵🥵🥵🥵

Groundbreaking Horror Movie Doesn’t Subvert a Single Trope

Posted on by Gabe Porter

LOS ANGELES — Director Jason Frink has broken new ground with his latest work, The Massacre At Camp Gore-n-Guts, by creating a horror movie that feels no need to point out and subvert the tropes usual to the genre.

“I made sure to jam-pack this thing with every trope I could think of,” Frink explained. “Nowadays everyone thinks they’re geniuses for pointing out that horror movies are dumb, no dip! It takes a real genius to make something that’s stupid and horrible. I’ll lay out the plot, so these horny thirty-year-old high schoolers go to a camp in an abandoned camp and accidentally awaken an ancient evil. Now, some might be worried I wouldn’t be able to include tropes like found footage or even a dilapidated factory but don’t worry: I don’t care about coherent plots, so I found a way to get it in. Gear up for a horror movie that’s not a meta commentary on horror movies; it’s just the sex and violence!”

Critics are unsure of the direction Frink is taking the genre in.

“With a genre like horror, you have to be aware of the long history it has had, while also being sure to avoid clichés,” explained critic Todd Roberts. “I’m worried that without the meta-analysis aspect the genre could grow old quickly. How are we supposed to respect this movie if it isn’t actually about our very expectations of the movie itself? While at the same time, how are we supposed to understand what it’s saying if it isn’t constantly pulling the rug out from under anything that might resemble an earlier horror film? I mean listen to this list of tropes that Mr. Frink’s movie claims to have: gratuitous nudity, five distinct head explosions, and a fifteen-minute long seven-way. Wait, this movie sounds dope as hell.”

According to those familiar with the situation, horror legend Wes Craven also reacted to the movie via Ouija Board.

“I’m so glad that people are beginning to understand the true meaning behind Scream,” the deceased director said. “Just do the horror movie stuff. It’s that easy.”

At press time, Frink confirmed that there are planned to be five sequels and as well as an edgier reboot ten years later that no one will watch.

The Best Time to Bring Back Guitar Hero Was During Quarantine. The Second Best Time Is Right Now

Posted on by Chandler Dean

Look, I don’t pretend I know a whole lot about consumer trends or finance or even video games. But I deeply hold one conviction, which I know to be true based on nothing more than gut instinct and general vibes: if Microsoft made their newly-acquired keyboard-monkeys at Activision Blizzard create a new Guitar Hero game, it would make a shit-ton of money. 

How do I know this? Because I’m a consumer, I have access to a bank account with several thousand dollars in it [editor’s note: no need to brag], and I’ve become increasingly desperate to play Guitar Hero again. In fact, I even went as far as to download the open-source, legally-questionable Clone Hero to scratch the itch — which also involved buying a Guitar Hero controller for like 80 bucks and navigating a labyrinth of perils to make it work on my 13-inch 2015 MacBook Pro with Retina Display.

And people: this shit is still really fun. I’ve never even been very good at Guitar Hero, and that doesn’t matter. I’ve picked up right where I left off — spamming the power chords of “When You Were Young,” frantically trying to keep up with the iconic solo of “Free Bird,” and running “Slow Ride” like 23 times in a row so I can say I got 100% on Expert on at least one song. More than any other game I’ve ever played, it emulates the profound sense of satisfaction that comes from meticulously developing a real skill, without, y’know, the boringness of actually doing that.

Still, this indie recreation is no substitute for a real honest-to-God Guitar Hero game. I find myself yearning for the strung-together storyline and lowest-common-denominator rock-n’-roll humor of Career Mode. I miss working my way through a curated selection of songs with a gradual difficulty curve. I want to easily compete and collaborate with my friends for hours on end, ripping on the player character’s uncanny valley lip-syncing all the while.

And most importantly, I gotta be able to buy the game and have it immediately work on my TV, instead of spending hours on Reddit trying to understand why macOS Big Sur won’t let me use Xbox controller drivers and determining whether downgrading to macOS Catalina will reverse the polarity of my computer’s CPU and blow up every apartment building in Greenpoint. No video game should ever require the player to spend even a second on Reddit. In fact, it should be considered a crime to do so.

I love this genre, but if you give me 17 of anything, I’m not gonna ask for an 18th helping anytime soon. 

Now, even though it’s obvious to me that Guitar Hero coming back would revolutionize the gaming industry, I understand there might be some skepticism among the number-crunchers at Xbox whose “careers” “depend” upon “not losing millions of dollars by going out on a limb to revive a franchise that died a decade ago.” Why, they might ask, would bringing back Guitar Hero work when rhythm games crashed and burned so spectacularly in the early 2010s?

Well, I might answer: a huge problem which initially sank that genre was fatigue. Between 2008 and 2010 alone, the gaming public was subjected to Guitar Hero: World Tour, Guitar Hero: On Tour, Guitar Hero On Tour: Decades, Guitar Hero On Tour: Modern Hits, Guitar Hero: Aerosmith, Guitar Hero: Metallica, Guitar Hero: Van Halen, Guitar Hero: Smash Hits, Band Hero, Guitar Hero 5, Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock, Rock Band 2, The Beatles: Rock Band, Green Day: Rock Band, Lego Rock Band, Rock Band Unplugged, and Rock Band 3. I love this genre, but if you give me 17 of anything, I’m not gonna ask for an 18th helping anytime soon. 

Since 2010, however, there has only been one Guitar Hero game released — Guitar Hero Live in 2015 — and good luck finding it at an affordable price. Meanwhile, shittier rhythm games have picked up steam on mobile and in indie spaces. This is on top of an existing landscape of obsessive nostalgia for the halcyon days of the late 2000s. We’ve already seen deeply unnecessary reboots of IP like Gossip Girl, iCarly, and the Obama administration in the last year; clearly, the public is ready to Make 2022 2009 Again. 

By the way, this isn’t just a pipe dream: shortly after the ActivisionBlizzard acquisition, Xbox CEO Phil Spencer name-dropped Guitar Hero in a list of properties that he was excited about potentially bringing back to life. And I don’t want to live in a world where any given CEO’s fleeting whims can’t be immediately made a reality.

Now, I’ll admit the timing isn’t completely ideal to reboot Guitar Hero. Because I think it’s obvious that the best time to do it would have been, I don’t know, say, March 12th, 2020. Think about it: a game that aims to recreate the joy of live music from the comfort of your living room? You’re telling me you wouldn’t rather have been playing that than fuckin’ Critter Town: New Awakening or Exercise Circle World or whatever the hell we were doing during peak quarantine? Guitar Hero deserved an Animal Crossing: New Horizons level of quarantine madness fueled attention.

But nevertheless: with the 12-year-olds of the aughts becoming the disposable-income-havers of today, it seems pretty clear to me that the Guitar Hero renaissance could be upon us. Hell, you could probably call the game Guitar Hero: Renaissance. And even if it’s destined to flop among normal people, I want it really bad, so Microsoft should just do it anyway. Isn’t that what video game blogging is all about?

Disney Reveals They Used CGI Harrison Ford in Interview Where He Praises Star Wars

Posted on by Aaraf Afzal

BURBANK, Calif. — A Disney spokesperson wowed fans today by revealing that the company had digitally recreated Harrison Ford for the 2021 ABC interview where he first praised Star Wars.

“Many of you were disturbed by Tarkin in Rogue One, and we heard you,” explained the Disney spokesperson. “But it’s different when you have the actor’s blessing, which we totally (and contractually) do in this case. And you liked Mark Hamill in the Boba Fett show, right? We saw the hashtags! You were impressed! We used the same technology. We utilized a program called Respeecher to synthesize Mr. Ford’s voice from old audio of him, er, acknowledging Star Wars. What he says is actually very, uh, close to what he’s previously said.” 

Ford posted a video on social media to voice his own thoughts.

“Yeah, no, of course I’m cool with it, are you kidding me? I love those guys,” he said, in full Han Solo costume. “I meant every word of what I told Jimmy Kimmel. Star Wars is the best thing to ever happen to this far, far away galaxy a long time ago. In a—I love what they’re doing with Luke and I hope they do it with me too. Put me in The Mandalorian Season 3, Q4 2022. Let me get revenge on Boba Fett in Season 2, release date TBA. De-age me into a baby for Obi-Wan, 5.25.22. I am up for anything, so fans should be too! Subscribe to #DisneyPlus. I am Harryson Ford.”

While many Star Wars fans expressed excitement at the tone of Ford’s video, life-long fan James Kelsey, 28, was less than enthused.

“It’s the same damn CGI model!” claimed Kelsey. “They’re doing it again! Is no one else seeing this? Has no one heard of a thing called ‘uncanny valley?’ He’s never praised Star Wars like this, and Disney is definitely taking things too far. It betrays his character and ruins every appearance he has ever made in the franchise! Fictional characters were one thing, but if they start puppeteering real people, I don’t think it’s ethical to keep supporting them. I might even torrent Obi-Wan! ”

Kelsey was reported missing mere hours after expressing his displeasure, but thankfully Disney representatives quickly found him and brought him home, where he suddenly renounced any criticism he ever made about the company. When reached for comment, Kelsey simply said, “Subscribe to #DisneyPlus!”

Indoor Kid Yearns for Pre-Covid Times When Parents Would Leave House

Posted on by Matt Shore

PITTSBURGH — 11-year-old indoor kid Tyler Zbrzeski reportedly wishes for the days before COVID-19 forced his gadabout parents to stay home, shattering his routine and turning his life into a nightmare of parental interference.

“I used to have the trendiest parents in town. They went to half-priced happy hours. They bullied their co-workers into cooking classes and escape rooms. One time they even went on a true crime walking tour, whatever that is,” said Zbrzeski, who used to peacefully spend his time doing homework, playing Final Fantasy XIV, or crafting Pokémon statuettes with his 3D printer. “I still yearn for those days. I didn’t know how good I had it.”

Thanks to a prolonged pandemic and his parents’ constant, almost pathological need to busy themselves with Instagrammable activities, Tyler’s favorite pastimes became a thing of the past. 

“They’re like the Ghosts in Destiny,” Zbrzeski explained. “They’re always hovering nearby, saying something dumb when I’m trying to concentrate. ‘Hey, put down that Nintendo!’ They call everything a Nintendo. ‘Let’s take a family photo! Wouldn’t it be fun if we all dressed like Jamaicans with steel drums and dreadlocks?’ No, it would be stupid and offensive.”

Tyler’s father, Dave Zbrzeski, claimed that it “builds character” to spend time doing things you hate with your family. 

“One day, that kid is going to look back on his life and really appreciate all the time I spent bothering him,” he said, compulsively rocking in his chair and tapping his foot during the brief moment he was sitting down. “That’s why I wait until he sits down with a snack to swing open his door and demand that he help me take apart my Jeep, piece-by-piece.”

Carrie Zbrzeski, Tyler’s mom, had a similar perspective on the matter. 

“If he’s doing something quietly in his room, how do I know he’s not doing drugs? If he’s on microphone with a girl, I like to barge in and announce something embarrassing about his underwear or medication. This is a great way of reminding your son that you are still an important part of his life.”

Tyler, though not even in high school, has begun researching out-of-state colleges as a means of escape. 

“In my darker moments, I tried to convince them that the pandemic was over and that they should go out partying,” Zbrzeski said. “I mean, if they’re stuck in a hospital bed they’d probably have to be strapped down, right?” 

He later retracted his comment, admitting his parents would probably escape or demand that he play Celebrity with them via Zoom or something.

JonTron Dead at 31 to Most Fans

Posted on by Twitch Plays Hard Drive

INTERNATIONAL WATERS — YouTuber and social critic JonTron was found dead at age 59 to the vast majority of his fans today, according to somber reports from his family and remaining friend.

“It’s incredibly tragic to hear what happened to JonTron. May he rest in peace, to most fans,” said JonTron’s friend Jared. “I was the one who found his body, actually. That’s an image that will never leave my brain. I walked into his room and… oh god, he was just laying there completely still. Muttering the n-word to himself. That’s when I knew he had passed on to the other side. You know, like, to the conservative podcast side. Rest in power, JonTron. Specifically white power. I’m a racist too, to be extra clear. My character is a racist one.”

Fans paid tribute to the fallen YouTuber across social media.

“When I heard that JonTron had died, I assumed it was because of Covid or something. And I was right. He is dead, at just 46 years of age, to most fans, due to ‘COVID or something,’ when you consider that he is loudly antivax,” said longtime comedian Gex the Gecko. “All right! It’s tail time! My tail’s gonna kick your butt! Gecko-chop, baby! YYYESSSSS! Eat this! A little tongue now, a lot of tail later! I am the god of hellfire!”

A spokesperson for Flex Tape released a statement about the incident.

“We here at Flex Tape are incredibly saddened to hear about the passing of JonTron, to the vast majority of his fans,” began the statement. “And as a major corporation — specifically one that does not want to get involved in statements about white people remaining a majority — that means he is also dead to us. RIP Mr. Tronathan. As a tribute to this YouTuber, we are offering his family a free roll of Flex Tape to seal up any holes in his social coffin.”

At press time, following JonTron’s formal death from society, his YouTube subscriber count fell by a massive -3%.

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