Alexmcmillan, Author at Hard Drive

Every Band Added to Fortnite

Posted on March 2, 2022 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

CARY, N.C. — Following the acquisition of Bandcamp by Epic Games, the company has announced that every single music act to ever exist will now be playable in its flagship game Fortnite.

“We are very excited to announce that every single band is coming to Fortnite,” said Epic Games CEO Tim Sweeney. “From The Rolling Stones to your high school band that recorded one song before breaking up because your bassist kissed your girlfriend, every musician who has ever lived will be collectable in the Battle-of-the-Bands-Pass, available now for $10. Whether you like it or not, this was all possible thanks to our acquisition of Bandcamp.”

Despite many fans praising the announcement, several musicians have spoken out against the deal.

“What the fuck? I don’t want to be in Fortnite! My music isn’t even on Bandcamp!” said pianist Alana Corona. “I don’t want to see kids playing as a character that is specifically supposed to be me, wielding a gun and killing other people. I mean there are thousands of explicitly anti-war singer/songwriters who you can now run around shooting people as, in Fortnite. I just shot a child in the face with a shotgun as John Lennon. How the hell is this not a massive legal issue?! I called them and they just laughed before hanging up. We need to protest this!”

Other musicians, however, have found no issue with the acquisition.

“Cool!” said Elton John.

At press time, Sweeney announced that he was looking into adding all remaining characters to Fortnite through potentially acquiring fan fiction website An Archive of Our Own.

Atari Sure Hoping No Big, Strong, Handsome Game Company Buys Them, Too

Posted on March 2, 2022 by Jacob Colliver

SUNNYVALE, Calif. — Video game company Atari announced today that it will be rebuffing acquisition offers from any “tall, hunky” corporations for now, a deeply confusing press release confirmed today.

“Atari would like to reaffirm our commitment to remaining independent,” the statement read. “Under no circumstances are we interested in a big, strong, handsome company, with rippling corporate infrastructure, financially sweeping us off our feet in one smooth stroke. Boy, we’d just… we’d hate that.”

Atari’s statement came after the acquisitions of Activision Blizzard by Microsoft, Bungie by Sony, and Wordle by the New York Times, leaving industry analysts feeling slightly confused but generally happy for them, provided that that’s what they really want.

“I can’t speculate on any potential mergers, but it was always awkward between us,” Nintendo spokesperson Murray Weber said. “One year at E3, an Atari representative would walk by our booth and drop folders full of intellectual property rights on the ground in front of us, swooning and winking as they’d pick them up. There were a lot of whispers about how ‘naughty’ it’d be to sign a second-party developer contract, right there and then, ‘in front of everyone.’ I wasn’t really up for that, man. I just sold Amiibos.”

The press release was printed on Emily the Strange notepad paper and hand-delivered to several large conglomerates by a friend of the company, in an effort to ensure that “everyone really, really knows not to bring it up with us”.

“It hurts, because we’ve been there too,” wrote Sega via WhatsApp message. “When you’re lonely, you’re not honest with yourself. You’re in pain. You’re transitioning from a failing console range to third-party software design. It all takes time. Hang in there, babe. Look after yourself, because your Prince Charming is out there — Prince Charming, in this case, being a multi-billion dollar pachinko company that buys 22.4 percent of your failing stock.”

After a string of texts to Amazon at three in the morning, several independent developers intervened to let Atari know that they “could do way better.”

Gamer Desperately Tries to Catch Up on Three Days of News During Five Minute Break From Elden Ring

Posted on March 2, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

PONTIAC, Mich. — A local gamer was reportedly spotted frantically trying to catch up on the current events of the world while taking her first waking break from popular RPG Elden Ring since she started playing it 72 hours ago.

“Fuck man, there’s been some serious shit!” said Rachel Walters, scrolling through her phone while microwaving several burritos. “I didn’t realize how much time had gone by since I started playing. All I’ve really done is ride my horse around, play with a few different weapons, and die on a boss a few times. It’s been the best three days of my life. Now, what’s going on in Ukraine, again?”

The inadvertent lack of information wasn’t without precedent, as friends of hers confirmed.

“Yeah, she gets sucked into these games so bad,” said Anthony Call, a close friend of Walters’. “I remember when Skyrim came out, she straight up lost track of what month it was and never reported for her seasonal job at the Christmas tree farm. Dumb asshole got fired by her dad for that. Honestly, with Rachel, it’s best just to let her play her games and not expect her to be aware of what’s going on in the world or just, you know, her immediate area.”

Walters’ parents strongly disagreed with Call’s assessment.

“I wish my daughter could keep her head out of her ass and in reality,” said Joe Walters, Rachel’s father. “I texted her asking what she thought of this crazy Russia situation and she told me she wasn’t following the Olympics. I hope she somehow gets drafted. She knows fuck all about the real world but told me she knows three different ways to kill something called Margaret the Fell King. How is that going to help her in any real way?”

As of press time, Walters said she was confident that if a relevant enough news event happened that someone would leave a message about it on the ground in Elden Ring.

How to Beat the First Boss in Elden Ri—Wait That Was Just a Regular Guy?

Posted on March 1, 2022 by Andy Holt

Admit it: You need help beating the first boss in Elden Ring.

It’s okay. We won’t judge you. To be honest, the Knight With the Big Spear at the Gatefront Ruins is one of the most fearsome opponents we have ever faced. It took us more than 35 tries. There were moments when we thought it was impossible. We rage quit several times. We screamed. We cried. But we persevered—and in the end, we won. With these essential tips on how to beat the first boss in Elden Ring, you can win, too.

1. Don’t get stabbed.

First off, don’t let the Knight With the Big Spear stab you through the heart with his big spear too much. That’s one of the things that makes this boss so difficult: You can only let him stab you through the heart with his spear a few times before you die. It’s ridiculous and basically unfair. But luckily, we found an exploit in the code that can help even the playing field: dodging. After dying about 15 times, we discovered a hidden mechanic that allows you to move out of the way of—or “dodge”—the attacks from the Knight. Unfortunately, there is only a short window of time that you can dodge successfully, right before he swings at you. If you don’t time it right, the Knight will still stab you with his spear, even though you definitely pushed the “dodge” button. It’s unclear whether FromSoftware is aware of this glitch.

FOR ADVANCED PLAYERS ONLY: There is also a secret “block” button. This button will prevent an attack from hitting you by stopping it with a weapon or shield. This “blocking” method—also known as “guarding”—is much more advanced and is not recommended for new players. You will never beat the Knight this way unless you are really good at video games, and even then, we don’t like your chances. Stick to dodging for now, and look for our in-depth guide on the “blocking” method once we have figured out how it works.

2. Make sure to hit him with your weapon.

The other tip for beating this boss is that you need to strike the Knight with your weapon. We thought we were familiar with this tactic, having used it to beat such titles as Assassin’s Creed: Origins, Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey, and Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla. In those games, it requires a delicate balance of pushing the “attack” button as fast as you can and tapping “roll” sometimes randomly as well. But when we tried that approach against the Knight in Elden Ring, he blocked the attack with his shield! We resorted to something more experimental—holding down “attack” to see if it does anything different—but he stabbed us through the heart when we were still winding up, so we didn’t even get to see what it did. Dead end.

So, how did we hit him, you ask? We tried what we’re calling the “one dodge, one hit” method. That’s where you dodge at the moment he tries to attack you, and then—only then—do you hit him. You might ask, Why don’t I just hit him right away? It’s counterintuitive, we know, and we don’t want to confuse you with the technical stuff. Basically, when you swing at him from the front, he has various ways to stop you. If you dodge out of the way, you can hit him from the side, where he is more vulnerable. Does that make sense? If not, don’t worry—the main thing is just to practice the “one dodge, one hit” method. Don’t be discouraged if it takes another 20 tries before you get the hang of it. And don’t be afraid to call in a co-op partner to do some of the heavy lifting—full disclosure, that’s what we ended up doing.

FOR ADVANCED PLAYERS: I know what you’re thinking: Did you try tapping the “dodge” button nonstop so he can never hit you? That’s a great instinct, but unfortunately Elden Ring has not introduced that feature. Your character will stop dodging after you dodge too many times in a row. We thought it was input lag on our Xbox at first, but the same thing happened on our friend’s PS4 as well, so it might just be a shortcoming of the game.

That’s it!

So, that’s how you beat the incredibly difficult first boss in Elden Ring. It’s hard to say why FromSoftware would put such a tough enemy so close to the very beginning. Maybe it’s to scare off the casuals. Regardless, it’s a bold move, and it pays off when you finally defeat him and move on with your adventure, confident that you can handle anything the game throws at you. That’s what brings us back to challenging games like this one, time and time again.

UPDATE: Wait, that was just a normal guard? It gets worse? Is there a difficulty setting?

Co-Worker More Serious Than You Think About Starting Podcast Together

Posted on February 28, 2022 by Peter Clark-Deutsch

KEARNY, N.J. — Although he previously seemed to be only joking when suggesting that the two of you should get together and record some of these “hilarious” workplace banters sometime, your co-worker, Steve Clifton, is more serious about the idea of starting a podcast with you than you think, nervous office sources confirmed.

“Man, we have such fun joshing around the office when nothing’s going on,” Clifton said earlier today, trying to conceal a large studio microphone case being held behind his back. “If we started a podcast together, I bet it would gain traction real quick. Of course, I barely have any time at all for that sort of thing these days, but if you were wondering, I do happen to be free on Thursdays for the near future.”

Sources say that Clifton has been floating the idea of the two of you becoming the next big podcasting duo to others in the office for months now and has even started telling your co-workers that the two of you are “totally thinking about starting one up soon” and that the premise will be “two fun guys who just bullshit about their week.”

“Yeah, Steve comes around every now and then to tell us about the amazing chemistry going on in the test episodes of that podcast,” said your co-worker, Grace Molinski, who is eagerly awaiting a link to the program so she can finally subscribe and see what the hype is about. “He also mentioned that you both could probably go full-time as podcast hosts at Spotify in a matter of weeks with quality this good, which sounds really exciting! Can’t wait to check it out!”

“I’m telling you man, if we do this podcast, we’ll have so many people rolling on the floor with our funny stories about the workplace,” said Clifton. “By the way, I’ve been kind of busy figuring out logistics, but do you happen to know any good sound editors, graphic designers, SEO specialists, and / or improv coaches? I’ll make a google doc where you can share any recommendations with me! Thanks!”

At press time, Clifton was entering his credit card number into GoDaddy to secure a 10-year license to the URL 2coworkers1mic.com.

We Have, As a Society, Moved Past the Need for Random Encounters in Video Games and in Life

Posted on February 28, 2022 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

I’ve played two single-player video games this year and they are Pokémon Legends: Arceus and Elden Ring and if you think I’m not going to write an article grasping at straws to find the common thread between these two games, then you’re dumb as fucking rocks.

Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned in 2022, it’s that I am completely over random encounters.

Remember random encounters? In any old RPG, you’re running around in the world — maybe you’re playing around in the grass or dancing across the overworld — kinda just vibing out until, ah fuck, you ran into a bad guy. Some animation wipes your screen away and you’re facing off against a bandit or a rat or a goblin and you’ve got to kill it or run. Your muscle memory takes over as you slide to the “run” button, only to see, “you can’t run away!” followed by a smack to the face from the goblin, and you decide to just one shot it. It’s taken a minute away from your life, but at least you’re back to the game! Just kidding, you just ran into another random encounter.

Random encounters are something I used to defend. It’s part of the fun! These games are about grinding it out in the battlefields, running around in circles until you find the Pokémon you’re trying to catch or kill enough goblins until you level up or whatever. Want to avoid random encounters? Don’t worry, there’s usually a stinky perfume or ugly necklace you can wear to ward them away.

Well now that the new Pokémon games have done away with random encounters, I don’t think I can ever go back! There’s something so freeing about just seeing all the enemies in front of me, waiting for me to attack them if I really want to grind out some battles against them. Not to mention, it’s a lot more immersive to get to live in a world where those enemies are just walking around, be it turn-based game or something in real-time. Now when I play a game with random encounters, it feels so dated and frustrating. There’s a lot more “god damn it”s muttered under my breath as I run into yet another monster, my screen spiraling out of my hands.

And it’s impacting every game for me. Running through Elden Ring, it’s hard not to play it with this in mind. Because at the end of the day, Elden Ring is like if Breath of the Wild had Dark Souls combat with Guitar Hero elements told through the language of Pokémon, if you think of Hades as a sort of Cyberpunk 2077 equivalent to the Grand Theft Autos of the Skyrims of the world.

What I love so much about Elden Ring is that the game doesn’t fuck with you at all. Sure, there’s no random encounters (how could there be?) but there’s very little you have to do in general. There’s just some places with a bunch of guys and you can go over there and fight them if you want. Maybe there’s an item in it for you if you do, but maybe not, I don’t know. It’s up to you to go over and figure it out on your own terms. And in some fucked up way, that’s kind of how I was approaching Pokémon Legends: Arceus as well.

Hell, I think I’m even sick of random encounters in the real world. As we enter year three of COVID-19, I’m only hanging out with people who I explicitly want to see and discuss seeing beforehand. If I want to visit family or travel, I’m treating it like a boss fight — stocking up on the proper equipment and buffs before heading in to face the battle. No more random encounters in bars with people I didn’t like from college. No more walking down the street and seeing a black spiral take over my eyes as I hear “Hey! Dude!” from behind. If anything, all this shit only exists to pad out the playtime.

No more random encounters in video games. No more random encounters in real life. From now on, all encounters will be planned. OK good bye.

Long Server Queues Preventing Neo From Jacking Into The Matrix

Posted on February 27, 2022 by Simon Bower

THE MNEMOSYNE — A recent update to the Matrix has led to a massive influx of both new and lapsed freedom fighters jacking in, causing servers to hit capacity and forcing many to endure significant wait times before they can start freeing minds from the simulated reality.

“When you’re entering the Matrix, you want it to be as fast and smooth a process as possible,” explained Neo, a long-time user of the popular Matrix service. “What you want is to be able to plug a metal spike into the data port in the back of your neck and go straight to running on walls, dodging bullets and trying on sunglasses. You don’t want to just lie there for hours waiting for your chance to get in and save people from a virtual prison. Did I mention there’s a spike in your neck the whole time? It gets pretty uncomfortable.”

According to Neo, some are taking drastic steps to avoid the wait, leading to a worse experience for others.

“There are a lot of selfish people who stay jacked in for days at a time because they don’t want to give up their spot, which only makes the wait longer,” said Neo, running around the all-white void space of the Construct with a machine gun to kill time while waiting to load in. Sometimes I’ll queue up for hours without moving up in line, no matter how many times I say ‘there is no queue.’ Thank god that Agents kill some of them every now and then, or I’d never get a turn!”

Others on the ship understood Neo’s frustration, but also saw a positive side to the increased strain on the servers.

“Ultimately, this is a good problem to have,” Bugs, captain of the Mnemosyne, told us. “While it sucks that not everyone can experience it at once, it shows that we’ve created a mission that resonates with lots of people, which is very humbling. Plus, I’ve never seen my crew more motivated to free people from the Matrix than now, when they know it’s making their next jack-in a little bit faster.”

At press time, Neo was setting forth on a perilous journey to the machine city, in order to ask them to construct additional servers.

Deal Alert: This Thrift Store Anime Figure Is Only Missing One Limb

Posted on February 25, 2022 by Walker MacDonald

Good news, figure fiends! The local Goodwill’s just announced that they finally have a fresh, but limited, restock of 2005’s hottest anime figures after a recent donation, most likely made by an accomplished adult who’s outgrown what is currently your most cherished and expensive hobby or an empty nester dumping out their child’s lot that couldn’t even conjure a single inquiry on Craigslist. And this just in, most of them are only missing one limb each!

“You won’t find a Rei Ayanami at a better price anywhere. That’s a fact,” said anime enthusiast Matt LeClair, who showed up to take advantage of the sale. “And so what if she’s got an arm or a leg chewed off? It’s more faithful to the series! Hell, get an armful of ‘em if you can, take ‘em home and stick ‘em in some orange Jell-O, and boom — perfect little diorama. It’s like most of the work is already done for you!”

Spencer Swaine, a friend of LeClair’s, had a more grounded take on the bargain.

“Look, it’s hard being into this stuff on a budget. I’ve had to walk my tastes back an easy ten years just so my collection reflects what I watch,” said Swaine in line with a fully bald Naruto figure. “Between rent, my bills and student debt it’s hard to keep up. This is the best I can do right now. I can’t even afford Crunchyroll. Jesus, I can’t even afford KissAnime.”

Store manager Ryan Avery seemed pleased with the sale’s returns and shared his secret for how he was able to push product at such a volume.

“Ever since we hired Randy to come in over the weekends, it’s been a total life saver,” said Avery with a smile. “See when we get these things in, they’re typically brand new. Still in the package, not a spec on ‘em. Totally intact! But we know not a soul that shops here would ever want that, so ole’ Randy comes in on the back shift and gets them in order. Peels the paint, tears off the hands, feet, face plates, mixes the accessories in with the McDonald’s toys. Just the way our customers like it!”

And hey check this out: it’s been announced that next weekend’s door crasher will feature a vast collection of rare and imported PlayStation 2 titles, and only three quarters of the stock will be missing the disc. The deal of a lifetime!

Photo by Pedro de Matos.

New ‘JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure’ Inspired QAnon Theory Suggests Donald Trump Will Soon Unleash his Stand

Posted on February 25, 2022 by Craig Cash

PALM BEACH, Fla. — Conspiracy-minded followers of the enigmatic cult figure QAnon have developed a new popular theory inspired by the anime JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure which suggests that Donald Trump may soon unleash his stand.

“Based on the speed and power of that most recent clip of Trump playing golf, I have to assume he’s got the power of a Stand who’s currently invisible to us,” said Vaughn Roberts of the YouTube channel WhereWeGoVaughnWeGoAll. “The way he keeps deflecting subpoenas and legal challenges at lightning speed, it’s the only explanation at this point.”

Speculation along these lines has run rampant, with clue-hungry QAnon followers eager to jump on any detail to confirm evidence of Stand powers at use.

“I made a post that got to the front page because we thought it was the first spirit photo of Trump’s stand in action, but it turned out to be Barron Trump,” said another commenter, JoJoBidensBizarrePresidency. “How was I supposed to know the difference? That kid grows five more inches every time he steps in front of a camera. Either way, thanks for the gold I guess!”

“It’s currently unknown how the former president could have acquired the theorized stand,” said Roberts in a follow-up video rounding up the top ten most popular clues related to the theory. “But we believe that it must have short-range abilities, with the ability to detect satanic pedophiles and possibly obliterate their genitals. Surely Trump will show the Stand’s true power soon and all will be revealed then. He sure does love to leave us on cliffhangers, just like JoJo’s!”

At press time, proponents of the theory were speculating on whether Trump’s stand might be named Dead Kennedys, Back In The U.S.A., or Ol’ Dirty Bastard.

1. Don’t get stabbed.

2. Make sure to hit him with your weapon.

That’s it!

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