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Seth Green Announces Robot Chicken Cannot Move Forward Until He Gets His Toys Back

Posted on May 24, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Following a high profile burglary of several boxes of toys out of his garage, Seth Green has announced that production of Robot Chicken cannot move forward until he recovers them.

“Please, I’ve seen the jokes about how foolish it was to leave the toys I needed to make my show in my unlocked garage, and they’re not helping anything at all,” said Green, co-star and creator of the stop animation series that skewers pop culture from the ’80s and ’90s. “I’d rather focus my energy on finding who swiped these boxes, so that I could continue to work on our upcoming twelfth season. I guess maybe I will keep my important toys at the bank from now on.”

Green was reportedly unable to convince local authorities of the value represented by the collection of toys and figurines.

“Poor guy was pleading with us that these toys are his livelihood,” said Frank Martin, a local policeman who answered Green’s complaint call. “But then he proceeded to describe a bunch of loose toys, out of their packaging, and being used pretty vigorously from the sounds of it. Ain’t no way a collection like that is worth nearly what he’s saying it is.”

With local police refusing to help, Green has asked social media to help him recover the valuable boxes of old toys.

“Attention everyone,” began a widely recirculated post from Green. “If you see any loose Skeletor or Hulk Hogan toys at garage sales in the coming weekends, PLEASE ask where they came from and check my posts to see if it is maybe one of mine. The only way me and the crew can get back to work is if you help me get my toys back. Thank you!”

As of press time, Green sheepishly revealed that when he says the toys were stolen, what he means is that someone asked if they could hold the toys for just a little bit and then ran away after Green complied.

Dipshit in Zelda Shirt Can’t Even Say Three Link Quotes

Posted on May 23, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

KANSAS CITY, Miss. — A local poser in a tri-force shirt reportedly couldn’t even name three things Link has said in the iconic Legend of Zelda series of games, outraged witnesses have confirmed.

“I’m glad we laughed that phony bastard out of here,” said Anthony Gibbons, one of many regulars inside Steve’s Comics & Cards that ganged up on the man in the Zelda shirt and urged him to leave immediately. “He kept insisting there was a mistake, but I maintain the only mistake was that there was such a loser in here in the first place.”

“I mean, it’s one thing if you don’t know about video games,” he continued. “But don’t come in here wearing a Zelda shirt if you clearly don’t know anything about it. When I asked him to say one of Link’s famous quotes, he just made a weird exasperated ‘hyuh?’ sound. It was embarrassing.”

The buffoon, who was reportedly shopping alone and minding his business, first caught the attention of a fellow shopper that frequented the comic book store yet didn’t recognize him.

“I saw this guy standing there, wearing a tri-force shirt, looking at the graphic novels,” said Wil Waters, who spends an estimated 30 hours a week in the store. “I’ve never seen him in here, so already I was a little hostile, you understand. I sized him up and asked him an easy one at first, ‘What’s the name of Prince Zelda’s sword?’ but the way the idiot looked at me, you could tell he had no idea whatsoever how to respond. What an absolute fucking moron.”

Despite the man in the Zelda shirt’s wishes to pay for his purchases and be on his way, the impromptu pop quiz continued.

“That guy was an idiot and no kind of customer that I want in my store,” said Steve Fields, owner of Steve’s Comics & Cards. “He couldn’t say any Link quotes, didn’t answer a single timeline question correctly, and to top it off, he’s never even seen an episode of the cartoon the whole series of games is based on. Excuuuuuuse me, asshole, but get outta my store!”

As of press time, the guy in the Zelda shirt was reportedly the store’s last (would be) paying customer of the day to enter Steve’s Comics & Cards.

SpaceX Unveils Plan to Launch Flight Attendant on Immediate One Way Mission to Mars

Posted on May 23, 2022 by Camden Brazile

HAWTHORNE, Calif. — Exploration and technology company SpaceX announced a revolutionary step for humanity in the form of an immediate, one-way mission to Mars by a former SpaceX flight attendant.

“We are so excited for this next chapter in space exploration that we plan on pioneering before a certain someone can start running her mouth,” SpaceX CEO Elon Musk said. “The trip will be long and difficult, so we were unable to install any form of communication in the rocket for the passenger to provide any sort of reports, terrain samples, or previous workplace timelines with the world back home. Yes, I can acknowledge that myself and the future astronaut have had our differences, but I’m willing to put that behind me as I expel her into the far regions of space forever against her will. I will never forget her sacrifice, professionalism or her sweet hot ass.”

Head legal council for SpaceX Larry Summers weighed in on the watershed moment for space travel.

“We’ve had the technology for a couple months now, but were holding on until we found the perfect candidate,” Summers said. “Finally we found somebody who we believe nobody should hear from ever again. Sure, this exhibition will cost SpaceX billions of dollars, but we figured in the long rong we’d probably be breaking even with settlement funds anyway.”

The journey to Mars will take an estimated seven months, which experts believe is enough time for everyone to forget about any allegations about Musk plus six and a half months.

Ricky Gervais Starves to Death After Massive Fire Destroys All Low-Hanging Fruit

Posted on May 23, 2022 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Comedian Ricky Gervais was found dead at age 60 in his home this morning after a massive fire in Los Angeles burned away all low-hanging fruit, which was his only source of sustenance, according to those familiar with the situation.

“It’s so tragic what happened to Ricky. It’s a shame to think that we’re all living in a world without him,” said a family member close to Gervais. “It pains me to think that we won’t be ‘havin’ a laugh’ with Ricky anymore. Well, I guess, to be fair, we haven’t been havin’ many laughs with Ricky for the last several years, given what his output was. I mean, did you see his show Derek? No, that’s right, I’m not sure anyone did. But you get what I mean.”

“If only he could eat that higher-up fruit,” the family member continued. “Back in his The Office days, he could reach and eat any fruit on the branch. But as the days went on, he became comedically hunched over, and was only able to reach fruit hanging lower and lower on the tree. Had this fire occurred 20 years ago, I like to think he would not have starved to death. But we’re not even in the days of Extras, anymore.”

According to a representative from Netflix, the streaming service is close to releasing Gervais’ next stand-up special, which will now be released posthumously.

“To say the least, we’re all shocked here at Netflix. Well, not shocked, because we knew about Ricky’s condition, and we heard the news about the fruit, but saddened,” said the Netflix representative. “Gervais’ new comedy special, which he insisted on calling Even More Triggered, really pushed boundaries. To be clear, it pushed boundaries in the opposite direction from where comedians usually push them. But it pushed them nonetheless. It pushed them backwards. It’s a damn shame that we won’t be able to see him promoting his new material, surprise-opening for John Mulaney at various locations around the country.”

At press time, Gervais’ body was preserved according to the specifications in his will: nailed to a cross with the word “contrarian” carved into his chest and placed in front of the Hollywood sign.

Indie Dev Glances Around Room to Find Household Object to Turn Into Gun

Posted on May 23, 2022 by Camden Brazile

PORTLAND — Inspired by upcoming Devolver Digital and Doinksoft game Gunbrella, an indie developer has reportedly glanced around his room to find an object of his own to turn into a gun for a pixel-art video game.

“Once I saw the trailer for the new Devolver game Gunbrella, I was like, whoa. Can this be a genre? How can I turn something into a gun that isn’t a gun? That’s when I came up with the idea for Gunlamp,” explained solo developer Kit Delaney. “I was so tired of playing boring, cliché concepts like a shovel being a sword, so it’s nice to work on something so original like a lamp being a gun. And the ideas really write themselves. There’s probably some lightbulb mechanic or something that will be prominent in all the trailers. I’m excited for Gunlamp’s deep, philosophical premise of ‘What if a lamp was a gun?’ and I think players will appreciate it too. Thank you, Devolver, for opening up the genre for developers like me!”

A representative from Doinksoft commented on Delaney’s use of Gunbrella to make his own unique game.

“It’s weird to see someone basically make the exact same game as us with a different household object, but I guess I can’t blame them. We also looked around the room for an object to turn into a gun. We just did it first,” said Doinksoft. “That being said, I think Gunbrella and Gunlamp will ultimately be very different because they are different objects. Personally, I’ve always felt a sense of incredible rage and violence while holding an umbrella, and I never knew why until we began work on our game. Because in Gunbrella, sure you’re holding a boring old umbrella. But it’s also a gun. As for Gunlamp… well, I’ve never held a lamp, I don’t think. That’s all I have to say about that.”

At press time, Delaney was reportedly kicking himself for not picking something more gun-shaped for his game like a mop or one of those tubes movie posters come in.

This article is sponsored by Devolver Digital. That’s right: all of your worst fears about video game reviews being paid for are accurate. The world is crumbling around you. There’s no hope for the video game journalism industry anymore… except… is that a light? Yes… yes! You can wash away your fears and misery by blasting bad guys with household objects in the badass world of Gunbrella! Have fun, gamers!

2k Games Doing Mocap of Real Wiseguys for Upcoming ‘Mafia’ Game

Posted on May 23, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

NOVATO, Calif. — 2K Games has revealed that their in-development Mafia prequel will feature fully motion-captured mafiosos for the first time.

“We’re really taking this one to the next level,” said Albert Higgins, a lead designer on the upcoming title . “We’ve been able to make the characters do some pretty cool things in the past, but we’ve never seen this level of authenticity before. We had Luca Monsali in here and he ended up putting a few of the mocap guys in the hospital. You hate to see it, but we got it all recorded, and they’re doing mostly okay! You’re not gonna believe this game when you see it.”

Monsali, known as the Chicago Shellacker, reportedly misunderstood the process at first.

“They tell me they’ll pay me to consult on a video game, next thing I know three fuckin’ guys are trying to put the biggest wire you ever seen on me,” he said. “Now, I may be outnumbered, but I could these guys were fuckin’ dorks, so I threw ‘em around a little bit. No big deal. Then they explained what was goin’ on and I calmed down a little bit. Fuck do I know about motion capture?”

“Still, I gotta say,” he continued. “I feel funny wearing all this shit. Don’t tell no one you saw me down here, got it? Hey, what are you writing that down for?”

As of press time, Luca Monsalli was insisting that he was merely portraying a garbage man in an upcoming garbage man simulator game.

Game’s Release Date Changed by End of Trailer

Posted on May 21, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

SAN FRANCISCO — An upcoming blockbuster game’s release date was pushed back by the end of the premiere trailer, confused sources have confirmed.

“Wow, never seen it happen quite that fast,” said Carrie McAlpine, shortly after watching the trailer for Cosmic Armada, the highly anticipated new game from R3volutionary Studios. “Around the halfway point of the trailer it said ‘Holiday 2022’ and then by the end ‘Holiday 2022’ was crossed out and it said ‘Late 2023.’ Did they delay the game halfway through making that trailer? When will video game companies realize how long it actually takes to make a video game?”

The makers of Cosmic Armada said that while they apologize for the delay, they are certain it will be the last of its kind.

“Not the start we wanted to get off too, you have to understand that,” said Rod Barboza, the co-founder of R3volutionary Studios. “When we started working on this trailer we really thought we’d have the game ready to ship by this holiday season. As we got to the second half of the trailer, however, and started to debate whether or not we should include gameplay footage, it became clear to us that we were just not going to make our holiday release date. We liked what we had of the trailer so far, so we just changed the title card at the end. No big whoop. Gonna be an extra year.”

“I swear to god on this new release date though,” he added. “Honest.”

While the delay is far from unprecedented, many gamers were troubled about the abrupt nature of its announcement.

“So one minute it’s this year, then one minute next year, huh?” said Adam Hermann, who’s been following the game’s development closely. “That’s great. Did they finally grasp the time and effort it takes to make a good game instead of a merely adequate one, or are they doing the unthinkable and subjecting their workforce to a more tolerable level of overtime and crunch than before? My gut is telling me that it is somehow neither, and that they’ve really just grossly mismanaged this thing at every opportunity so far.”

As of press time, Cosmic Armada’s release date has now been pushed back to Early 2025 and will reportedly be Free to Play.

Microsoft Buys Out Two Guys They Overheard Talking About Idea for a Video Game

Posted on May 21, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

TUCSON, Ariz. — Microsoft has made its latest acquisition of young game developers earlier today, having signed two guys they overheard talking about an idea they had for a game to a reported eight figure deal.

“Wow, I still really, really can’t believe this,” said Ed Coburn, a clerk at a local Ace Hardware store. “One minute I’m telling Martin that I think it’d be fun if there was a modern monster truck game, and then Martin said it’d be cool if you could be the show promoter and plan the different events and stunts, and then actually drive the monster trucks and dirt bikes when the time came. Next thing I know, a man was shaking my hand and asking how soon I could be on a plane.”

The pair were reportedly offered a contract on sight by a Microsoft scout that had been given free reign to keep the company competitive in today’s crowded software market.

“I can’t take the chance that these guys were talking to anyone else,” said Michael Brinkley, the Microsoft employee that’s been scouring the city for innovative new game developers. “That monster truck idea is exactly what we’re looking for at Microsoft. Well, what we’re actually looking for is a never ending stream of games to throw onto Game Pass to the degree that it can feel overwhelming to try and keep up. Monster truck sim… I don’t think we have one of those yet! Welcome to the team, boys.”

While the gaming world greatly anticipates its first ever high profile realistic-monster-truck-promotion-sim, the pair at I Guess We’re A Game Company expressed some doubts about their debut title.

“Does he know I can’t program games?” said Martin Todd, one half of the white hot game design duo. “I can barely get the key copying machine to work at Ace, if we’re being honest. Every time someone needs a copy of their house key I gotta get Mary to help me. And the more I think about it, is planning monster truck shows over and over really going to be fun? This seems a little poorly thought out, but hey, I’ll try and figure out how to make it for what they’re paying me. Maybe we can bring Mary onboard, too.”

As of press time, Monster Truck Manager Simulation and Also You Get to Drive the Trucks has been slotted for a Summer 2023 release.

Planned Rian Johnson Star Wars Trilogy Put in Carbonite

Posted on May 20, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

BURBANK, Calif. — The once planned trilogy of Star Wars films from writer/director Rian Johnson has reportedly been frozen in carbonite, to be stored in a remote Disney location, sources have confirmed.

“This isn’t how I thought this would go at all,” said Johnson, as he and his ragtag group of friends were led away from Disney headquarters. “They called me in for a meeting, and then my producer turned on me? Next thing I know they’d taken all of our storyboards and conceptual art and thrown them into this giant machine in the ground. We barely escaped with our lives. I’m so sad we may never get to make these movies now.”

Star Wars executives defended their decision to confiscate the materials and freeze them in the liquid substance.

“Following the polarizing reception to The Last Jedi, it’s best we do it this way,” said Kathleen Kennedy, president of Lucasfilm. “Rian says he would double his efforts and make sure he made something that would please the audiences, but we do not share his optimistic appraisal of the situation. Now we must find him.”

Star Wars fans largely agreed that Disney’s means of disposal were a bit drastic.

“I mean hey, if they want to put some movies on the back burner because their TV stuff is going well right now, I understand that,” said Cara Dayton, a long time Star Wars fan. “But to take the guy’s notebooks and smartphone and chuck ‘em into carbonite? I don’t know man, that’s kinda messed up. And then to give all of that stuff to a bounty hunter to hang onto? Very uncalled for, if you ask me.”

As of press time, Disney had successfully purchased the hologram of Stan Lee to do with as it wished.

Report: Hayao Miyazaki Disappointed You Smoked Weed When You Watched ‘Spirited Away’ That One Time

Posted on May 20, 2022 by Andy Holt

TOKYO — Renowned animator, writer and director Hayao Miyazaki was reportedly “disappointed” to learn that you consumed cannabis while viewing his film Spirited Away at your friend’s house a few years ago.

“I am disappointed, yes. This is true. But it is my own fault. I simply expected too much from you,” said Miyazaki of your actions, which included glogging down three bowls of ooey gooey through a bong shaped like an elephant. “I will not make this mistake again.”

Miyazaki also took issue with many of the comments you made during the viewing, which he described as “foolish” and “worse than saying nothing at all.” He was especially let down that you exclaimed “Yo what? That’s crazy!” when Chihiro’s parents transformed into pigs.

“I suppose that moment would be ‘crazy’ for someone in your state. I don’t know. But had you been watching with clear eyes, you would have seen that what happens to Chihiro’s parents is perfectly natural—in their capitalistic gluttony, they are already nothing more than pigs, long before they appear as such on screen. Do you understand?” Miyazaki asked, noting that you behaved in “much the same way” as the parents when you ate that entire bag of potato chips. “Nevermind. It doesn’t matter.”

When asked for a final comment, Miyazaki refused, insisting he had “nothing further to say about you.”

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