ANAHEIM, Calif. —The Elder Scrolls VI, one of the most highly anticipated video game titles for the next few years, was unfortunately delayed by Bethesda’s director Todd Howard after Howard’s mom, Cindy Howard, made him put down his video games and go play outside for a while.
“But mooooooom,” Howard pleaded as his mother unplugged his dev team’s monitors. “We’re having fun! This is so unfair. You told me I could have the graphics department over today! You’re letting down millions of people. What if I promise to clean my room tonight, can we stay inside? Please? There’s not even anything to do outside. We can’t code, record any voice work, and Timmy O’Donohue’s family went on vacation so we can’t even use their basketball hoop. Ugh, I wish I was staying at Dad’s house this weekend.”
Cindy Howard kept to her word and made sure Todd didn’t spend his whole day cooped up inside.
“Don’t back-talk me, Mr. Man,” Mrs. Howard retorted. “You’re going to do something outside and I don’t want to hear any guff about it. If you want to stay inside so bad, how about I ground you for a week and take away your Alpha test build for a while? That’s what I thought. I don’t care if your Skyrim sold 30 million copies, no son of mine is going to spend all day with his little friends in front of the TV. Look out the window. You see that hill? You can climb it.”
At press time, sources close to Howard reported that the game may be further delayed after he asked his mother if the beta testers could have a sleepover that night, but was unfortunately rebuffed.
Hey everybody, we don’t like to get serious around here, but after the latest tragedy in Liberty City, I’d just like to remind you that they actually have some of the strictest laws about gun ownership in the country, so maybe you’re not making the point you think you are when you say we need to outlaw bazookas and hand grenades from all Ammu-Nation stores across the city. I just wanted to point that out.
I’m sorry to politicize such a recent tragedy, really I am, but I have to speak up after seeing so many braindead media outlets have the same response to yesterday’s horrific incident, which saw a rogue man in a stolen police van open fire on the city at large for several hours; that it was time to ban the grenade launchers, chain guns, and several other things that he used to perpetrate his crimewave.
Well, you idiots, did you know those were already illegal for citizens to own in Liberty City? Now what? Should we outlaw bad weather and hope we never have a storm again? Laws aren’t the answer, that’s my point. There are plenty of laws on the books about detonating explosives without the proper permits. Plenty! Did our criminal (who received a free stay at the local hospital by the way — THANK YOU TAXPAYERS) stop and check the laws before he blew up all those cars in the street? So why punish the law abiding munitions hobbyists in town? Because of one local terrorist? You’re joking me. More like Dictatorship City.
Instituting these new proposed restrictions on buying a whole box of grenades will punish only one group of people;people who are in a really big hurry and also need to get grenades. I don’t think punishing people that just got invited on a last minute hunting trip or are maybe trying to play a really good practical joke is the best response to yesterday’s attack. The two things are simply unrelated.
So just to be clear, laws aren’t the answer, clearly. It’s not a problem with the laws in Liberty City, it’s the mental health of Liberty City. Have you walked around lately? Almost everyone you encounter has a snide remark to make under their breath just as they walk by. It’s uncanny. You can’t outlaw everyone just being on edge all the time, you know? You just can’t. I don’t know the answers, I really don’t. But I know archaic rules about owning and operating military grade weaponry won’t work; they already aren’t.
In closing, and I realize this point has been made ad nauseum, but I think it bears repeating that the only thing that will stop a bad guy with a rocket launcher in a stolen police helicopter is a good guy with a rocket launcher in a stolen police helicopter. We’re foolish to think anything otherwise.
Like Jesus Christ (and Bugs Bunny at the end of Space Jam: A New Legacy), E3 has risen from the dead. With the help of Reedpop, the ESA is primed to bring back the major event that many had written off as unnecessary, especially with more companies pivoting towards digital presentations. Why bother if Todd Howard isn’t at a booth porting Skyrim onto things you give him like it’s his autograph?
The simple answer is that E3 is the lone force saving us from wildcard titans like Nintendo.
Since 2013, Nintendo has been making its presence known with a 30-40 minute direct full of its biggest annual announcements. When it first announced it was ditching in-person press conferences, after multiple years of fumbled live Wii motion control demonstrations, people were stunned. Surely Nintendo couldn’t compete with Microsoft or Sony if Reggie Fils-Aimé wasn’t prepared to leave mid-presentation to fight you in the parking lot for not owning a 3DS.
That move actually worked out pretty well. The concept of digital Direct was bold but still managed to stay in the framework of E3 by posting their presentation alongside other significant shows and keeping a large presence through massive, detailed displays for upcoming games. It became just as major an event as a live press conference, as people knew they’d get at least one exciting game or Smash character from it.
When Covid started disrupting E3s however, Nintendo decided to embrace the chaos with more sporadic mini Directs mostly meant to spotlight 3rd party partners. There was no Zelda, no Mario — only Bakugan. It was an understandable move during the pandemic as Nintendo struggled to get big first-party titles out at its usual pace. But that chaotic streak has only grown as Nintendo is now in the habit of firing off random streams, like a t-shirt cannon being fired at a music festival trying to distract the crowd when the headliner is running late. Now June has passed and the only update we got about Nintendo’s 2022 lineup is that Xenoblade Chronicle 3’s battle system will be a nightmare for anyone with ADHD.
Nintendo is the biggest offender when it comes to unorganized stream cadence, but others are following its lead. Microsoft and Sony both host their own digital streams, which have slowly succumbed to chaos. Sometimes you’ll tune into a Sony State of Play to see God of War Ragnarok. Other times, you’ve just tricked yourself into watching 20 minutes of updates for VR games. Without E3, we’re looking at a disordered world where you just constantly have to watch live streams to keep up with what’s happening. A world ruled by Geoff Keighley. I don’t fully understand what he does and I’m scared to ask.
Look, E3 is cringe. It’s an event where marketing execs make Elijah Wood give the performance of a lifetime monologuing about how much Monster Hunter means to him despite never playing it. But at the very least, it forces game companies to do one bullshit presentation a year so they can justify why we keep giving them money. It’s the one time of year these corporations have to dance like monkeys for our amusement and I refuse to let them worm their way out of it.
PORTLAND — Immediately outing his cringingly earnest fandom to everyone in the surrounding area, local Final Fantasy string orchestra concert attendee Josh Baker disrupted an otherwise tasteful event by wearing his own Final Fantasy shirt while sitting in the crowd.
“I was sitting right next to him and I couldn’t believe it,” said fellow attendee Spencer McClosky. “It’s just a shame when people can’t dress for the occasion, but I guess a huge part of the concert going experience is scanning the audience for potential strangers to mock, so I can’t complain too much. I, on the other hand, went the smart route and wore this long sleeve with a graphic that references a deep-cut Japan exclusive SNES RPG. Can you guess what it is? Do you know? Take a guess, go ahead. Please?”
Sandra Malloy, a violinist with the touring company’s orchestra, was also disappointed with Baker’s glaringly distasteful fashion choice.
“If I see one more mouth breather in a bootleg Live A Live shirt I’m gonna vomit,” said Malloy. “I couldn’t tell you how many times on this tour I’ve looked up from the pit to just see dudes shooting looks around the room at each other doing finger guns when they see they’re wearing the same gamelogo tee. You’re at a video game music orchestra, you wanna stop trying so hard to out-nerd people? Just show up in anything normal-looking that’s properly ironed and devoid of Dorito crumbs. That’s where the bar is.”
The accused offender himself, Josh Baker, seemed blissfully unaware of his crimes.
“I had a great time, but I felt bad because the guy sitting next to me seemed really uncomfortable,” said Baker, already wearing the new tour shirt he had purchased that night on top of the other Final Fantasy shirt he had arrived in. “I’m thinking he must have some bad hemorrhoids or something? Not to be graphic, but it definitely seemed like there was something wrong with his ass based on the look on his face. I hope he has more fun next time!”
At press time, Baker was reportedly looking for his friend who was thrown out of the concert for moshing too hard to Liberi Fatali.
KYOTO, Japan — Shigeru Miyamoto shocked fans today by announcing that, after over forty years of serving as a titan of the gaming industry, Nintendo would be shuttering its doors. When pressed for a reason why, Miyamoto cited that Mario had finally done everything.
“What else could he possibly do,” Miyamoto said. “After driving a go-kart, golfing, and being at the Olympics, we think it best to just close down and quit while we’re ahead. Mario is a beloved character, but nobody would want to play a game where Mario does something incredibly esoteric, and if a large quantity of people would jump at the chance to play a game in which, say, an elderly Mario takes a slow, methodical stroll around the aquarium, then we still should shut down. Nobody should want that.”
Nintendo CEO Doug Bowser elaborated on why the iconic company is finally closing down.
“My son has traveled far, it is time to lay him to rest,” Bowser said. “He has traveled very far, but now Mario weeps, for there are no more worlds left to conquer. Consoles, sequels, stockholders, this all feels so insignificant now. Mario is done. We’re done. Our journey together has come to an end. Your Eshop points will not be refunded.”
“Plus, it will make it a lot easier for kids to be able to tell when someone is lying by saying their uncle works at Nintendo, so that’s nice,” he added. “No one works at Nintendo anymore.”
Self-proclaimed Nintendo Superfan Micah Hurwitz expressed his sorrow to see the company close down.
“I wasted so much time complaining about Nintendo not doing the exact thing I wanted,” Hurwitz said. “I should have just appreciated the things they did do, and blindly worship and defend them online with unflinching brand loyalty. Whether I was telling developers at Nintendo to kill themselves for not announcing the new game I wanted, or telling people online to kill themselves for even slightly criticizing Nintendo, I’ll miss this amazing company that I hate so much.”
At press time, Nintendo announced that even though they were completely finished with the character of Mario, they would still take joy in seeing fans continue to make their own Mario games and art, and coming down on them with swift, harsh legal action.
If you were between 9 and 19 with internet access in the early 2000s, you probably remember (or were at least aware of) Homestar Runner. For the uninitiated, Homestar Runner was a web series of flash cartoons known for its absurdist humor and distinct voice acting. The highly quotable nature of the show, most notably the Strong Bad Emails, became kind of a pre-meme meme amongst the throngs of young people religiously checking the site for updates. There are plenty of Twitter threads dedicated to which Homestar Runner phrases worked their way into your daily vernacular to prove it. (Mine are “the jibblies” and “consummate v’s.”)
Homestar Runner also had an entire section of the site dedicated to original games, many of which were shockingly good considering they were made by two brothers just like, for their strange ad-free cartoon website. Having spent an insane number of hours playing these games sometime around 8th grade, I have taken it upon myself to create the ultimate ranking, mostly so I have an excuse to play them again.
(Some quick housekeeping: I am only counting the playable games released under the “Videlectrix” moniker. The creators of Homestar Runner have, since the late 2000s, released a series of standalone episodic games called Strong Bad’s Cool Game for Attractive People, and a few itch.io entries. I’ve not played those, so I can’t speak to their quality.)
#20. Old Games
“Old Games” refers to a collection of quick n’ easy little games that were on the site in its infancy. These are more like Homestar Runner themed games as opposed to games that exist within the Homestar Runner universe, if that makes sense. They’re fine, but you and I both know that’s not what we’re here for.
#19. Marshie’s Malloween Mix-Up
Listen man, I fuckin’ hate the Marshie character. Something about them really just freaks me right out. And Strong Bad agrees, stating all Marshie content should be rated NC-17 for “Needlessly Creepy times 17.”I also am pretty horrible at Ikaruga-style “color” games like this; they scramble my little lizard brain. Since I’m the only one putting this ranking together, I get to declare that this game sucks. Sorry.
#18. 50k Race Walker
Though the concept of Race Walk is funny — you can’t go too fast, else you get a fault — just alternating left and right arrow keys is too boring to justify the laugh. It kind of reminds me of QWOP in that it is designed specifically to annoy me, personally, and once again my opinion is the only thing that matters right now. You got that, editor?
(Editor’s note: Yeah fine, I don’t know what any of this shit means.)
#17. Population: Tire
God, these fucking cursor bouncy games that were all the rage in the browser-gaming era blow ass. This is actually a rare example of a game I loved as a kid, but revisiting it gave me agita. It is definitely satisfying to get a nice string of bounces going, but the thrill is short-lived and the likelihood of irritation is not. Also, there’s a Wii version of this game for some reason, which isn’t really doing it any favors.
#16. Make-O Your Own Stinko
I’m not quite sure it qualifies as a game, hence the lowish rank. This is a StinkoMan comic panel generator that could be construed as a dress-up game I guess? It originated as an easter egg in the Strong Bad Email “web comics,” but was added to the Games menu shortly after. I love pixel art in general, so it’s an easy sell for me. But not exactly what one thinks of when they think of Homestar Runner games, so it’s sitting down here on the list.
#15. Kid Speedy
I wasn’t able to replay this one as the game is busted on the current HSR site. I remember it being fine, but not awesome. I do love the concept of “don’t get last place,” but the whole “junk food slows you down” thing is a little cringe in 2022. There’s a joke somewhere in here about dairy and how that actually speeds you up when you have to take a shit but I’m too lazy to really get it together.
#14. Pigs on Head
Ah, Pigs on Head. A good old fashion stackin’ stuff game. As the name suggests, you just stack pigs on someone’s head. Elegant. Timeless. Easy, but not too easy. Not stupidly frustrating or cheap either, and it has a distinct visual style that is different from many of the other games on this list.
#13. Secret Collect
Secret Collect is an Atari-style top-down game where you, a red square that represents Strong Bad, use the arrow keys to collect squares that are not Strong Bad. Each level is a simple maze with a distinct end point and a few obstacles, including squares that increase your speed. This is a surprisingly good time, and scratches the fast-paced VVVVVV itch without the maddening difficulty.
#12. RhinoFeeder
In RhinoFeeder, Strong Bad needs to feed a rhino while dodging snakes. It’s a delightfully dumb concept, it has straightforward mechanics, and it’s a good way to waste 20 minutes. Also, this will just make you think “no step on snek” to yourself until you eventually have to make yourself stop and get some fucking work done, Colleen.
#11. Where’s Egg
Okay, this one surprised me. Your goal as a 8-bit detective is to, uh, locate an egg that one of your suspects is hiding. It’s a “one tells only truths” puzzle combined with some simple investigative map-hopping. The branding/theme is also Soviet Russian, so that lends itself to some good fake translation goofs. And like, philosophically….where is egg, really? Deep stuff.
#10. Dangeresque Roomisode 1: Behind the Dangerdesque
Strong Bad as a character would definitely be into the noir thing, and it wound up being the perfect vehicle for a LucasArts-style single-room adventure. Danger-desque (get it?) is a later entry that I don’t recall playing much as I was in high school at this point, but I do remember finding all of the very asinine ways to get a Game Over a hoot. And for some reason, I really want to watch the Big Lebowski now.
(note: I watched a walkthrough of this as it is not yet supported by the Ruffle flash emulator)
#9. Hall Runner
A solid combination of vector graphics and text-adventure mechanics: dodge shit and answer “obstacle quizzes” from various enemies. You’re given three choices every time you encounter an obstacle: jump, fight, or talk, and are awarded points according to the success of your pick. The catch is that you don’t know what the obstacle is until after you’ve chosen your action, so it winds up leaving a bit more to fate than I usually like in a game, but this is a pretty good time.
I too tend to jump, fight, or talk to my enemies regardless of type or status. This explains why I’m playing Homestar Runner games by myself instead of having friends.
#8. Duck Guardian I
Duck Guardian I is one of the longer Homestar Runner games, with 33 waves to beat. As you may have suspected, your goal is to guard the ducks from a variety of falling enemies and usher them to safety. The right blend of tricky, silly, and kind of cool to tick all the boxes. But Jesus fucking Christ, man, this gets stressful. Look at this little pixel ducky and tell me you’re not invested emotionally and will totally not need therapy after it inevitably dies.
Rest in Peace, Lil’ Durck.
#7. StrongBadZone
Quoted regularly by me to this day. No notes.
#6. Awexome Cross
Awexome Cross is a crappy side-scroller where you time jumps using the spacebar, but for some reason I totally love this game. It’s way too short to be this high on the list but I can’t help it. It’s goofy, fast, and addictive as anything, and you play as The Cheat, who is my favorite HSR character. I still have a hoodie from 2004 that I bought with my own money that has The Cheat on it, though it definitely has dry rot and I should probably just cut him out and use it as a very punk back patch or something. He deserves a place of honor.
#5. Thy Dungeonman I and II
I’m a sucker for a text adventure. Your goal is simple: get ye flask. A perfect combination of stupid, funny, and direct. I grouped the first two Thy Dungeonman’s into one because they play virtually the same; they’re more like episodes of the same game rather than distinct titles. These are shockingly immersive and have that quintessential Homestar Runner weirdness while still working within the confines of the genre they’re parodying.
#4. Thy Dungeonman III
TDIII is mechanically very similar to I and II with the addition of some great retro graphics. That’s enough for a bump in ranking. Come on, look at this opening screen!
ohoho, thou art tied up with ropes, eh?
#3. TROGDOR!
Trogdor is perhaps the Strong Bad Email that has the most cultural reach – even people who aren’t super familiar with the HSR universe probably remember the Trogdor the Burninator song.
The Trogdor game is very simple: stomp on peasants, but not knights, which will one-hit kill you. That’s it. There’s a surprising amount of levels in this game, even though the schtick is very straightforward. But man, this game can get its one-beefy armed claws into you and then you’ve been playing for an hour when you’re supposed to be writing a ranking. And then you’re desperately Googling to see whether or not you made up the fact that the Trogdor song was in Guitar Hero and HOLY SHIT?
(note: this one you can only play an html 5 version of which I accessed through the disturbingly complete Homestar Runner Wiki, which I used to frequently edit from the family computer.)
#2. StinkoMan 20X6
StinkoMan is a Mega-Man clone that has all your standard 2D platformer mechanics, with some very fun anime panache and a truly bangin’ soundtrack. This shit is well-made, decently-long for a browser game, and just challenging enough to drive a 13-year-old insane. I personally put enough hours into this game that I think my mother was looking for a therapist for me because of it.
The 10th and final level was actually released in 2021 after a 12-year gap, and a worthy end to such a delightful saga. They also added a “new” mode vs the “classic” mode, which adds mid-level checkpoints and more health for those looking to not tear their hair out playing this fucking thing. Cannot recommend this enough.
Bonus points: there is a Minus World!
#1: Peasant’s Quest
Peasant’s Quest is at the top of my ranking for a number of reasons. It has, in my opinion, the exact perfect mix of being a genre homage and making fun of said genre at the same time. The overly-complex and obtuse fantasy RPG is a great target for this, because while these types of games were extremely influential and important to many people, the fact of the matter is that you legitimately cannot beat most of those games without a manual. I played Peasant’s Quest a few times as a kid and you can bet your ass I used a walkthrough. I have a very distinct memory of finishing Peasant’s Quest for the first time, only to realize I had collected 149/150 points. I was infuriated. Apparently, you get a secret point by closing a drawer in a house early on.
The creators also consider Peasant’s Quest to be their greatest achievement. I’m inclined to agree. The game uses a fairly direct copy of the Sierra AGI engine (used in King’s Quest, the title’s namesake) and the Brothers clearly did all the work of rebuilding it out of love. The music, the setting, the truly hysterical dialogue, and the fact that your character is named Rather Dashing all come together for a slam dunk. And as a bonus, you get some in-universe continuity, as your entire titular Quest is to seek revenge on — you guessed it — The Burninator himself.
Play the games (well, some of them–a handful are busted) here thanks to the Ruffle Flash emulator.
SEATTLE — Little Wooden Valley, an independent video game about a couple building a cabin on a lake, has seemingly inspired the most toxic community on the internet.
“These people say they love our little slice of life simulator,” said Allison Frasier, one half of the husband-and-wife duo that made Little Wooden Valley. “And we’ve been so grateful for the enthusiastic reaction to our little game. But then when we announced a slight change to some of the prices you can sell fish for in town, we were doxxed, swatted, and had a brick thrown through our window. So you know, we kept the fishing stuff the same after that.”
This is just the most recent such incident of a whimsical game’s fandom proving surprisingly noxious, after Return to Monkey Island developer Ron Gilbert swore off communicating with the public at large following unpleasant interactions with fans after the upcoming game debuted its latest trailer.
“Yeah, dude got one look at the modern gaming landscape and saw what he needed to see,” said Conrad Bess, a Monkey Island fan that didn’t feel compelled to harass the creator of the series recently. “It breaks my heart, but I completely understand it. Still not as bad as these fucking maniacs that play Little Wooden Valley, though. I don’t know what happened there.”
The makers of Little Wooden Valley have held firm that they would do their best to listen to all members of the community, even if some messages are more intense than others.
“We want everyone to enjoy our game, really we do,” said Brad Frasier, Allison’s husband and the co-developer of Little Wooden Valley. “So when people tell us what they’d like to see, we do our best to listen. It’s just that, sometimes the requests are coming via unhinged emails to our personal accounts or scrawled in burning letters in my parent’s backyard. Maybe just leave us some feedback on Steam or something? That would be preferred. Let’s just all chill out, okay?”
As of press time, Little Wooden Valley had been review bombed on Steam when someone noticed a rainbow in the game if you know where to look for it.
AUSTIN — In an effort to change the narrative surrounding Tesla’s layoffs, return-to-office ultimatums, and perpetual controversy around its CEO Elon Musk, Tesla issued a company-wide email announcing that all employees are now permitted to bring the children they have had with Musk to work with them.
“We recognize how difficult this pandemic has been for our working parents and we are committed to providing some much-needed relief,” said Director of Human Resources Alexis Kornman when reached for comment. “Effective immediately, Tesla will provide free on-site childcare to all employees with children under the age of 5 sired by our Chief Executive Officer. Every company likes to brag that they are one big family, but Elon is really putting in the work.”
According to sources within the company, the response from Tesla employees has been overwhelmingly positive.
“This is great news! I can’t tell you how many of my coworkers are going to benefit from this progressive policy. I mean, even if I knew the exact number, I’m legally not allowed to tell you,” said Senior Tunnel-Rebranding Technician Rob Munney. “I don’t have any children with Mr. Musk, so it would be nice if I could bring my children to work who aren’t his. Especially because we don’t really get much paternity leave or money for childcare, so I just have to find a place for them to be. But this is cool too, I guess.”
Tesla CEO Elon Musk took to Twitter today to voice his support for Tesla’s new childcare policy.
“Shout out to my work-slash-actual fam for helping me tackle two of the existential threats facing humanity: climate change and population collapse. All of my offspring can now observe Tesla’s commitment to excellence up close, sheltered from the corrupting influence of pedos and the woke mob, as they wait to take their rightful place beside me as the ruling elite on Mars,” Musk tweeted along with an uncredited meme featuring the Game of Thrones family tree with his face pasted on every character.
At press time, Tesla is reportedly filing new SEC paperwork that would allow Elon Musk to convert his accrued paternity leave into stock options currently valued at 11 trillion dollars.
Monster Hunter Rise: Sunbreak released last week, and everyone in the Minus World office has been playing it religiously since last Thursday — and by everyone at the office, I mean just me. We don’t have an office and no one wants to play with me.
I’m not ashamed to admit I ignored work emails, calls, the holiday weekend, and desperate messages from my family wondering if I was OK in order to get in some good quality monster smacking time. Now, a solid week after release, I was finally forced to tear myself away from it after my “boss” threatened to “fire me” if we didn’t get a review out by the end of the week (I honestly don’t know if this website has a boss or if anyone works here at all).
After spending dozens of hours playing it, I can give Minus World’s official recommendation that Monster Hunter Rise: Sunbreak is what we all need to collectively hyperfixate on for the next few weeks, and subsequently burn ourselves out on and try not to think about the days of lost time sunk into it.
Since our review copy must have gotten lost in the mail (hey Capcom), I started my review at Master Rank 5 after fighting Shagaru Magala, which was around 30-35 hours into the expansion. This is on top of the time I’ve put into it after the initial Switch release (oh god, it was 103 hours) and after 15 hours speeding through the Rise main campaign on PC in preparation for the Sunbreak release. I’m only listing this so I can give context, credibility, and to somehow justify the multiple days of my life spent playing Monster Hunter: Rise as having a greater purpose.
I want to take time to clarify now: I love Sunbreak. More Monster Hunter is always a good thing, and Sunbreak delivers with more monsters to hunt, more maps to hunt monsters on, more armor and weapons to hunt monsters with, and more ways to prepare to hunt those monsters. You’ll probably need to have a wiki page or two or twelve open to keep track of it all. It’s wonderfully overwhelming, which makes it all the more satisfying when everything clicks and you realize how it all fits together.
Monster Hunter has always been easy to fall in love with. You pour your heart and soul into it for about two weeks, then slowly drift away while realizing this amount of time probably isn’t healthy. You’ll break up and move on for a little while, returning for a hook-up or two every couple of months when you hear something new has been added, until eventually you move onto the newer, sexier Monster Hunter that’ll get released in a year or so.
That’s why I’m advocating now, while the iron is still hot, that we all collectively decide to put unhealthy amounts of time into Sunbreak for the next little while. It deserves to be the next cultural obsession, until we all decide to move on and focus on Xenoblade Chronicles 3 or whatever.
Plus, Monster Hunter is most fun when you and your friends get together to beat the shit out of a large bat, who was previously just minding its own business.
Sunbreak brings plenty of newer, shiner additions to Rise that can help support us all developing this unhealthy little obsession. The hunts are still fun and have a bit more added complexity with new endemic life and wirebugs. The minutiae of planning a hunt is fleshed out even more with new food options and expanded buddy features, and the new follower quests are a delight and a great way to give a little more life to the NPCs.
The story is nothing to write home about, mainly because every recent Monster Hunter release has fallen into the same exact story beat. Oh, you’re telling me some outside force is affecting the monsters, making them more aggressive? I definitely have never heard anything exactly like that happening before in a Monster Hunter game.
Even if the story is weak, it’s not something I’m going to detract from Sunbreak itself. People don’t flock to Monster Hunter to get an enriching storyline or to heavily invest themselves in the characters. The story serves its purpose well, and its purpose is to give a valid reason for us to go out into nature to beat the everloving shit out of the wildlife.
Speaking of, beating the everloving shit out of said wildlife is exactly what hooks you in hard to Sunbreak. Whether it’s the fast paced nature of the hunts themselves, or the downtime prepping for a hunt and designing a new build, it’s incredibly easy to get addicted and fall into the “just one more hunt” mentality until you notice it’s 4am and you have six missed calls wondering why you didn’t show up to work yesterday.
Monster Hunter Rise was already included in the list of games that I have an embarrassingly high amount of hours into, and Sunbreak adds even more for me to comfortably recommend that we should all be consumed body and soul by it for the next 14-21 days.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to call my mom and explain why I missed dad’s funeral.
AUSTIN, Texas —Local man Kenneth Cochry, 27, has the distinctive Triforce design from the Legend of Zelda series permanently inked onto his left arm, despite the fact that he is reportedly neither courageous, nor powerful, nor wise.
“I would not in a million years use the word ‘courageous’ to describe him,” said Kenneth’s roommate, Rachel Graff, right in front of him in an assertion of his blatant lack of courage. “I’ve known Kenneth since middle school, and this dude’s a total pussy. What? Are you gonna stand up for yourself? No? Didn’t think so.”
According to those familiar with the situation, Cochry’s lack of courage, power, and wisdom can clearly be linked to his past. Pitying sources say that the weak, dumb coward still doesn’t know how to do his own laundry and can still be seen bringing loads home to his parent’s house in suitcases every other weekend.
“Kenneth’s mother and I really regret letting him get that damn video game tattoo,” said Kenneth’s father, Bill Cochry, as he moved his son’s clothes from the washer to the dryer. “If the kid was wise enough, he’d get it removed with lasers so he can be buried in the same cemetery as his grandparents like we’ve been planning. I’ve been withholding his allowance for a few months to teach him a lesson, so I’m sure he’ll wise up soon.”
“And in a situation against Ganon? Heh. Don’t even get me started,” Bill Cochry added. “Kid’s no Hero of Time, that’s for sure.”
Kenneth’s soon-to-be ex-girlfriend, Darby Patters, has publicly come forward and issued him an ultimatum to turn his life around in three days or watch her leave.
“Today’s the dawn of the first day. 72 hours remain for him to get his shit together or I’m leaving,” said Darby as her boyfriend left in a hurry to hot-box the car and calm his nerves. “It’s really sad what he’s become, honestly. He’s a shell of the man I once fell in love with. He has no heart left. It’s really clear, too, that it all started with that huge mistake of a Zelda tattoo. I hope he gets help, I really do.”
When asked for a comment, Kenneth yelled and spun around in a way that would have been alarming if it didn’t seem identical to the way Link acts when he loses all his hearts.
