Joe Biden Vows to Beat the Shit Out of Whoever’s the President

Posted on by Saad Khan

WASHINGTON — After little to no government response to a string of disastrous events ranging from mass shootings to the repeal of Roe v. Wade, Joe Biden vowed to find and beat the shit out of whoever’s the current President of the United States.

“Listen here, Jack, things have been really bad for the American people lately,” Biden said, practicing his right hook on a punching bag. “Gas prices are up, shootings are happening all over the country, and the repeal of Roe v. Wade threatens to put America’s maternal mortality rate even harder behind Iran. It’s complete malarkey and will not be tolerated.”

“People all over the country are calling on the President to do something, but he’s nowhere to be found. It’s a complete dereliction of duty to do nothing in a moment like this,” Biden continued. “That’s why I’m making a promise to the American people: I vow to find the President of the United States, whoever that may be, and beat the shit out of him. This guy’s had it coming for a long time!”

A concerned citizen, Sid McIntyre, said he was confused by Biden’s vow to beat the shit out of the president.

“Why does he keep talking like someone else is in charge?” McIntyre said. “I get he may not have the votes to get things done, but he’s the President of the United States. He could put a lot more pressure on his own party. Threaten to primary people, push to take senators that own coal companies off the energy committee, buy everyone a PS5, just do something.”

“Although, I won’t lie,” said McIntyre, looking a bit intrigued, “it would be pretty funny to see him beat the shit out of himself. Maybe we should just let him keep looking.”

At press time, Biden announced he was giving up his fruitless search for the president to instead beat the shit out of whoever’s running for the Democratic nomination in 2024.

Ooh La La: TV Show Calls Episodes ‘Chapters’

Posted on by Camden Brazile

LOS ANGELES — The latest, hottest show on television, Icarus, released its first season on Netflix last Friday, and immediately won style points with its audience by calling its episodes ‘chapters.’

“It’s just so fancy!” said viewer Elizabeth Cromwell. “Usually the first thing is labeled ‘episode 1’ but this genius, high-class show calls it ‘chapter 1’. Like a book! Can you believe that? I didn’t even know you were allowed to do that. I was so confused at first, thinking I was accidentally watching a book, but then it dawned on me: I’m watching a story. A story has chapters. This show must be amazing, intelligent television. I felt so smart and in awe of the craftiness.”

The show’s creator, Michael Dolan, said this creative choice was integral to the show’s tone and reception.

“Maybe you don’t get it, but this ain’t your daddy’s prestige television show,” Dolan said. “Just like how a show usually starts with credits, our show just starts for a second, does something badass, and then the opening theme happens. Blows your fucking hair back. I’m not even supposed to say this, but season two? We’re calling that ‘part two’ Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Game changer. We’ve just thrown out the entire god damn playbook at this point and there’s nothing you can do to stop us. We might even fuck around and call the third one ‘act III’. That’s right. Roman numerals. Classy and mysterious as all hell.”

At press time, audiences audibly gasped when producers on Icarus hinted that a future season of the show may drop numbers entirely and just include a colon and vague subtitle.

Minecraft Plays to the Male Fantasy of Digging a Big Hole With Your Buds

Posted on by Kyle Erf

Released over a decade ago, Minecraft continues to be among the most popular video games ever released, and while there are many factors that can be attributed to this success, one has gone unspoken for too long — the game plays into the male fantasy of digging a big hole with the boys. 

“Most video games are some sort of wish fulfillment, when you get down to it,” said Albert Lipinski, a media studies professor at UCLA. “And clearly many players have violent, confrontational urges, but there’s plenty of people that would just as soon get together on a nice day with a couple of buds and just dig a big ol’ hole and see what’s down there. Oh man, was there anything better than having the guys over and digging a hole back in the day? One time I thought we found a treasure, but it was just the septic tank.” 

Some parents have grown concerned about their children’s exposure to the game after hearing of the emphasis on hole-digging and chilling with the homies. 

“Hmm, I don’t think I like the sound of that at all,” said Morgan Fish, a concerned parent of a dedicated Minecraft player. “I knew Dylan was meeting up with his friends and goofing around, but I figured they were going on raids or at the very least ganging up on people with lower levels than them, harmless stuff like that. But if Dylan is getting any ideas about digging a hole in the lawn I just spent yesterday afternoon mowing, well, he’s got another thing coming.” 

“Looks like I might have to make him switch over to Warzone,” he added.

Kind of Weird That Thor: Love & Thunder Has a Global Terrorist Ice Cream Parlor

Posted on by Walker MacDonald

Thor: Love & Thunder, the latest MCU offering, is rife with the trappings we expect from both Marvel and Taika Waititi’s gradually declining trajectories. It’s got Whedonisms, CGI fights, and tired tropes throughout. But of all its faults, the most jarringly striking factor is its choice of ice cream shops.

In the first act, we’re reacquainted with New Asgard. A series of inserts and establishing shots familiarize the audience with how the town’s changed since the last time we were here. Housing developments, a town hall, a thriving stage performance scene, and the grand opening of “Infinity Cones” — an ice cream parlor themed around the single most significant cataclysmic, life altering event in the series. Its logo features the Infinity Gauntlet grasping an ice cream cone. You know, the gauntlet that wiped out half of existence in the universe for a while there and left every single human being on Earth grieving for the loved ones they presumed were dead.

Kind of weird!

I’m going to do my best to not tread on soy face, reactionary video essayist territory here. I get that it’s a one-off sight gag in a comedy. As eye-rolling as it is, it’s nothing to really kick up dust about (although, the unabashed Old Spice ad shown under the thin guise of a joke just seconds before is a different story altogether, and is frankly deserving of its own article). What it does warrant is a heavier scrutiny of the MCU’s constant back & forth with how it wants to treat “the snap” between films.

It always seems to be either an unspeakable disaster or a conversation piece. As a sprawling franchise spanning numerous directorial and narrative voices, it’s understood that not everyone will interpret things the same. One man’s tragedy is another’s edgy joke. That’s realistic. But for a business to be straight up based around the latter reaction? That’s the equivalent of “Mohammed Atta’s Eatery” or “Al-Queda Bagels” setting up shop in Manhattan. Considering too that these movies are ostensibly cranked out of a big ass Pink Floyd style meat grinder with those same creative voices being used as the pork floor scraps for the blockbuster hotdogs, a little uniformity is to be expected.

This is far from the first stark incongruity in regards to how the franchise treats “the snap.” In the mainline Avengers series, it’s game over. Total annihilation. Captain America goes to group therapy and grieves alongside Marvel’s first gay character. In the Jon Watts Spider-Man trilogy (and the greater MCU on the whole), it’s often a flagrant gag that seems to be relevant as a courtesy, for just long enough to stave off and satiate Redditors. While the emotional responses to tragedies like this take many forms, and are processed in countless ways, at the end of the day I think we can agree that the namesake of a dairy bar is not really one of them.

In regards to the contents of Love & Thunder itself, it’s less than the typical fair — which, funny enough, now seems to be the typical fair. A defined, calculable dip in quality is what we’ve come to not only anticipate, but eat up anyway. Sloppy stories, even sloppier characters. It’s nothing now for Marvel to take legacy actors like Christian Bale and Natalie Portman and cast them in completely disposable, flimsy roles. 

We’re in Phase 4 now, folks. They don’t have to care anymore. You might get a bad order from McDonald’s once in a while, and sure, maybe you’ll complain to your friends about it. But will you never again in your life feel the impulse to scarf down a Big Mac next time you see the golden arches? Absolutely not. Hey, it should pair nicely with the delicious frozen confectionary treats that only Infinity Cones can muster. Act fast, they’re only gonna melt more and more by the day!

NYPD Finally Gets Confession From Serial Killer Thanks to Unorthodox New Interrogator

Posted on by Camden Brazile

NEW YORK — The New York Police Department received a signed confession from the notorious ‘Parking Lot Butcher,’ a serial killer with a bodycount of fourteen, thanks to a no-nonsense new interrogator named Sean Evans who presses his perps with hot questions and even hotter wings. 

“Hey what’s going on everybody? For the New York City Police Department, I’m Sean Evans and this is an official police investigation,” Evans began with cold stoicism, according to those familiar with the situation. “He’s a famed human mutilator whose work has been featured on police scanners everywhere, and according to his crude journals he has big plans for the mayor next month, ladies and gentlemen I’m joined today by the Parking Lot Butcher! So first things first, dirtbag: how are you with spicy food?”

Deep into the seven-hour hotwing-laden interrogation, The Butcher expressed his shock at how much Evans already knew about his crimes.

“Wow! How did you know about that body I dumped in the landfill downtown?” The Butcher said. “I didn’t tell anybody about that, you must have really done your research. This is the most impressive police shakedown I’ve ever been a part of.”

Evans’ relentless interrogation yielded amazing and specific results.

“We like to do a little segment at this precinct called ‘Explain that Gram,’ where we show you a photo that needs more context,” Evans said, grabbing his next wing. “This is a photo of you with the murder weapon we found at the scene, would you care to explain that for me?”

When the interrogation came to a close, The Butcher reportedly took a plea deal with the district attorney, providing the names and locations of his accomplices in exchange for not having to do The Last Dab on the final wing. 

Guy With Hobbies, Likes, and Interests Makes It His Whole-Ass Personality

Posted on by Kevin Podas

SUGAR GROVE, Ill. — After accumulating a wealth of hobbies, likes, and interests all suited to his individual flavor palette, local man Grant Monet has allegedly gone and made it his whole entire personality.

“It’s kind of weird,” said Monet’s friend Josh Hanour. “Grant went and got really into the things he likes and enjoys. He’s practically made it his entire personality at this point. But it’s like, without your individual preferences, unique interests, and favorite past-times… who are you, really? It’s really sad. Sorry, but doing all the things in your life that give you joy and make you feel fulfilled are not a personality. Your personality should be built by one thing and one thing only: what media you consume.”

Monet, who has a personality made up of a number of different curiosities, creative pursuits, and interests in social causes, appeared unfettered by the criticisms levied towards him.

“This is just who I am. I may be really into woodworking, 90s alternative rock, and mass-transit systems now, but I’m no different now than I was when I was really into candle-making, cinema from the 1940s, and Indian food,” said Monet. “People are always changing and evolving. I’ll probably be into some other shit next month that you’ll hear about too. Sorry!.”

At press time, those who have taken an interest in Monet’s fickle and ever-changing lifestyle choices have gone and made it their whole entire fucking thing now too.

Local Father Playing Rocket League Just to Enjoy the Free Gas

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

AKRON, Ohio — A local father has fallen headfirst into a Rocket League binge, but it’s not the crossplay or the competitive nature of the game that’s hooked him; it’s the free gasoline. 

“I still can’t believe this!” said Gordon Thorn, local father of three who recently discovered the vehicular soccer game on his son’s PlayStation 4. “When Scotty told me this game was free, I thought he was joking, or that there was a catch. But he was right, it’s free to just drive your truck around in this game!  I brought the stereo in from the garage and have been cranking 103.9 and cruising around the different playing fields just cracking cold ones and tearing ass. My teammates don’t seem very excited about it, but I’m having a blast. And it doesn’t cost me a dime!” 

Thorn’s wife, Nicole, said she was glad her husband found a less expensive way to pass the summer months this year.

“Well, for the past few years, Gordon has gotten into brewing beer or buying a boat, ridiculous hobbies that cost so much more than they were worth” she said. “So if he wants to play Rocket League with a bunch of 12-year-olds, because it gives him the thrill of driving without paying five bucks a gallon, that’s fine by me. I know these games are known for making people angry and toxic, but every time I poke my head in there or bring him a beer, he’s got a smile on his face you wouldn’t believe. Little guy is really having a blast in there.” 

Even Thorn’s son, who’s PlayStation has been all but officially taken over by his father, didn’t mind Gordon’s newfound obsession. 

“Yeah, Dad is on the PlayStation all the time now, but on the bright side he’s really into the fuel economy you get on these games,” said Steve, Gordon’s oldest child. “He bought me a copy of Forza Horizon 5 because I told him even though it was 60 dollars, you just pay that once and you drive around Mexico forever after that, unlimited fuel. He agreed that it would be a bad decision not to buy it after that.” 

As of press time, Thorn had fainted after someone showed him that Lawn Mower Simulator game.

Blockbuster Never Died, It Just Became Every Digital Storefront You Buy Games On

Posted on by Minus World

If you were a child of the ’90s, you probably find yourself nostalgically thinking back on Blockbuster often. You know, the ultimate movie and game rental destination that probably shaped your entire childhood. Maybe you have fond memories of going there as a kid and renting a new game every week. You can probably recall a few times where you had to return a game just as it was getting good. It’s an experience that kids these days just don’t understand.

But what if I told you there was a way to keep the Blockbuster dream alive? In fact, what if I told you you’re probably already doing it right now? Well, I’ve got some great news for you pal: pretty much every digital video game marketplace you use today is Blockbuster. 

That’s because you don’t actually own anything you buy from a service like Steam. You’re just renting it from a company that could revoke your access at any time, just like mom. Isn’t that fun? At least this time you don’t have to go through a judgmental high-school student rolling his eyes as he rings you up the counter.

Players got a nostalgic reminder of that today when Assassin’s Creed Liberation HD was suddenly delisted from Steam at Ubisoft request. Originally, a note on Steam implied that the game would no longer be accessible to players at all come September 1 — even to players who owned it. Ubisoft would quickly walk that part back, but not before reminding us all that that’s a very real thing it could do at any given notice and there’s nothing you can really do about it. That burning hot sensation you’re feeling isn’t hate; it’s just your warm, fuzzy memories coming back to you, I’m sure.

When you buy a game from a service like Steam, you’re actually just entering a licensing agreement. Like a ticket-taker at Disney World, the publisher takes your money and allows you to walk through the front gates. You’re free to run around for as long as they’d like, but they reserve the right to throw you out on the street if you slop down too many Dole Whips — or for no reason at all. If that sounds impossible, make sure to read the user agreement next time you buy a Steam game instead of clicking through it as fast as possible. I know I don’t!

Here’s the part where I’d say “you can get around this by buying games physically,” but you’re still sometimes getting the Blockbuster treatment even then. Did you buy Halo Infinite? No you didn’t! You bought an expensive installation disc that contains no content. You could have bought the fanciest special edition out there and Microsoft still handed you a license saying that you can borrow Master Chief for a little while.

So don’t sit around wishing you could relive the days of falling in love with a game you rented from Blockbuster and then losing it forever once the weekend is up. That’s your entire life now! We’re all kids again asking our mom if we can pick out a new game because we’ve been good. Who says a family can’t be a child and a bunch of corporations that own them?

Ubisoft Debuts Innovative New Way to Frustrate Everybody

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

MONTREUIL, France — Ubisoft revealed a creative new way to make gamers feel disgusted by their actions today, reportedly decommissioning the online servers of single player DLC that players have purchased and downloaded.

“Wow, you really gotta hand it to them,” said Jessica Bloom, a gamer that discovered earlier today that her copy of Assassin’s Creed Liberation would no longer be accessible on Steam after September 1st. “If it isn’t a vile abusive culture that led to a mass exodus of employees over the last two years, it’s delisting games that people have paid for with the assumption they wouldn’t arbitrarily disappear one day. Their commitment to souring the joy we collectively get from video games is almost admirable in a way, you know? Like, it will be studied one day. Those fuckin’ pricks.” 

“The only thing they’re assassinating… is our fun,” she added. “You’re gonna put that in the article, right? Look me in the eyes and tell me you’re gonna put it in the article.”

Representatives from Ubisoft defended their decision, which wasn’t so much announced as it was discovered and shared amongst concerned gamers. 

“Oh, you guys saw that?” asked Mike Schlutsky, an executive with Ubisoft. “Yeah, well the thing about that is we have to remove the servers for all of these old games to make room for, well, and I’m afraid this is the part that is going to get rather boring and technical, but the space required for storing games in the modern era dictates that—”

“Oh shit, what was that? I gotta go climb that wall,” he said unconvincingly, pointing behind gathered reporters, before running away into traffic. 

The story is just the latest to prove abysmal to Ubisoft’s reputation, following years of damning reports about the internal culture at the gaming giant. Some, however, have defended the company’s actions.

“Locking people out of games for no apparent reason makes a lot of sense to me,” said Charles Simmons, a fan of Assassin’s Creed Liberation that was okay with losing the ability to play it soon. “I mean, I paid for the game and enjoyed it for a while, why should I get to keep it forever? Oh, that reminds me, the furniture in here is ten years old, do you think you could help me drag this couch out to my fire pit? I am really grateful that the furniture industry allowed me access to it for a decade. I should give them more of my money now.” 

As of press time, Mike Schlutsky was still at large, and was reportedly last seen loudly berating a woman in the street. 

Devolver Digital’s ‘Cult of the Lamb’ Imagines a Crazy World Where Extreme Religious Beliefs Affect People’s Daily Lives

Posted on by Joseph Stilwell

It’s well known that religion provides a sense of community, mental well-being, and moral principles to many people. But Cult of the Lamb, a new game from developer Massive Monster and publisher Devolver Digital, flips this concept on its head by speculating that religion could be used to justify bad behavior — like controlling and dominating others. Hard to believe, for sure, but Cult of the Lamb crafts such a deliciously spooky narrative that, after playing the game, you might actually believe that extreme religious beliefs could affect someone’s life!

According to the developers of the game, it took a long time to circle around such an outlandish premise.

“We started with something simple, like talking animals. That was really easy,” said a representative from Massive Monster. “But the idea of religious fundamentalists dishing out cruel punishments to their followers for the sake of power? Honestly I’m not even sure how we came up with such a wacky idea.”

“We just thought, what if the biggest psychos among us had a group of dedicated believers, ready to do whatever their leader tells them to? Terrible to imagine, I know, but don’t worry, it’s just a video game,” they continued. “Sometimes it can be really hard to explain the concept because it’s so unfamiliar, but basically, the game lets players use a combination of love, fear, and even straight-up violence, to force their narrow interpretation of religion on as many people as possible. Honestly, sometimes when I play-test, I have to keep reminding myself that it’s fictional.”

Thankfully, Cult of the Lamb is just a work of fiction. It can be scary inhabiting the mind of such a terrible creature, but we can rest assured that this isn’t something that exists in the real world. If you find that playing Cult of the Lamb is too frightening, don’t forget to take breaks! 

And if you’re looking for someone to discuss the game with, we’re even thinking of starting a support group for players out in the middle of a desert where we’ve bought a patch of land and are starting our own self-sufficient community. Just leave your friends, family, and possessions behind, and join us at the Hard Drive Compound, where we’ll chat about games, drink special elixirs, and worship the dark lords. No funny business — it’s gonna be super chill!

Don’t believe us? Check it out for yourself! This article was sponsored by Devolver Digital, which is good news for you, because it means that Cult of the Lamb is a real life video game that you can play in the real life world. Check it out for pre-order on Steam.