Man Admits to Experimenting With Naruto in College

Posted on by Kevin Podas

CHICAGO — With society having become more accepting of anime and manga over the years, local man Andy Marban admitted to experimenting with Naruto for a time in college.

“It was brief,” said Marban. “My roommate was like, ‘hey man, they’re playing Shippuden on Adult Swim tonight. You in?’ What was I supposed to say? I gave it a try, and yeah I got hooked for a little while, big deal. It’s 2022, everyone is pretty much accepting of the anime lifestyle these days. A little bit of experimentation in college doesn’t make you a weeb, OK?”

Marban’s co-worker, Danny Murray, took notice of Marban’s strange behavior recently and became concerned.

“I walked by his cubicle one night and noticed volume 7 of the manga series Naruto on his desk,” said Murray. “I went outside, and saw he was running to catch a bus. His arms were… extended backwards, much like the ninjas in Naruto would run. I had to look away, it was too much. Couldn’t he be into a better series like Bleach?”

When pressed on the issue, Marban became increasingly defensive.

“Nan—I mean what? What did he say? No, I don’t do that anymore, I said that was back in college,” remarked Marban. “If that book got there, that must have been a practical joke or something. Even though the Chuunin Exam is one of the best arcs in the series, there’s no way I would be re-reading that. Not that there’s anything wrong with it.”

At press time, Marban was spotted at a local anime convention with a Naruto headband proudly displayed upon his forehead.

Breath of the Wild Was a ‘Modest Test of Strength’ for My Relationship

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

I have a confession to make — I am a fake gamer girl. 

I love video games and for most of my life, I hated playing them. My experience, prior to about 2017, was limited to Chex Quest, being the player two in Mario Kart: Double Dash who didn’t do any driving, and reluctantly joining Halo 3 matches so my friends could get a guaranteed easy kill. 

My wife, however, is like a fucking video game savant. Granted, she grew up with multiple consoles in her house, while I wasn’t allowed to have any. She also had the advantage of having an older brother, while I was an only child. But she’s preternaturally good at games, dude. Particularly FPSs and anything else that requires quick reflexes and accuracy — neither of which I have in the slightest. So for the first 4-ish years of our relationship (going on a decade now), I mostly just watched her play stuff, which I was more than happy to do, and occasionally joined for drunk rounds of Duck Game when everyone was blitzed enough that my total ineptitude didn’t matter.

Then Breath of the Wild came out.

I love the Legend of Zelda. I love the story, I love the characters, I especially love the music*.  But I had never played one. I have very vivid memories of watching my older cousins play Majora’s Mask as a child (which I’m sure did not contribute to my adult anxiety disorder). I dead-ass binged MatthewMatosis’s entire Zelda analysis playlist without having touched a single one of the games in question. Skyward Sword came out when I was in college, but none of my friends had a Wii. So I was very intrigued by BotW, both visually (I’m an artist), and because for the first time, I had a console in my house to play it on.

My wife played while I watched, totally enraptured, for a solid 60 hour playthrough right when the game dropped in spring of 2017. It was so awesome that I decided to give it a go moments after she beat Ganon, even though I had no experience with 3D action games to speak of.

As you can imagine, it was rockier than a Stone Talus.

I’m a jumpy person and prone to button mashing. I had no idea how to do anything remotely complex, and was reluctant to enter combat to the point of missing really good, and often necessary, items. So my first few hours of play were the tutorial, avoiding enemy encounters, and generally letting the open nature of the game enable me to do some first-rate cheesing.

My wife was very careful to not give unsolicited advice…at first. I really had a hard time getting used to the dual analog sticks and she realized that a lot of my gaffs early on were going to be related to the control scheme. But as I got further and further in the game without really learning how to engage with it, she started noting that I should really go fight those Bokoblins if I want good weapons. I was insistent that turning this into a stealth game was fine. And the longer this went on, the frequency of her comments went up. As did my annoyance with them.

For those of you who have played the game, you’ll remember the combat oriented shrines, called Minor, Modest, and Major Tests of Strength. This is where shit hit the fan.

I hit a Modest Test maybe 15 hours in. At this point, I was super underprepared and had relied on getting a few overpowered swords here and there to crush anything in my path rather than learning the actual skill the game was desperately trying to get me to learn. The shrine in question, however, drove me to the brink of insanity. My wife started making what were initially helpful suggestions. As she should have — I was failing miserably and getting fucking tilted about it. 

But I didn’t ask her to help, either. And in retaliation, I wound up not only NOT implementing her well-meaning but increasingly irritated advice, but just trying the same bullshit over and over again to no avail. So my frustration with the game only led her to get more frustrated with me for not listening, which led to more advice, which led to me getting more annoyed with her—do you see where this is going? We accidentally started a Hyrule nuclear chain reaction. 

Worst of all, there was no way out. I had hit a hard block both in-game and out; she wanted me to learn the “right” way to play, and I wanted her to shut up for a minute and let me figure this out.

I have another confession — I am a recovering people-pleaser and used to avoid confrontation at all costs. A younger me would have preferred to lie through my teeth, do shit I had no interest in, and get taken advantage of emotionally, rather than just simply say “no” or “I disagree.” I didn’t like the idea that people could be mad at me. So I spent most of my teens and early 20s resenting people I should have liked, all so I could pretend I was being an easygoing person.

Breath of the Wild fucking obliterated all that in the best way possible. We both realized that we had to work together in order for me to have this experience of playing a game by myself that both of us really wanted me to have. We actually learned to argue — productively — and solve a problem together as a result. 

I recall telling her “I want to do this, but I’m going to quit right now if you keep backseating me.” That was huge for me. Saying that to anyone other than her would have made the “CONFLICT! CONFLICT! RUN AWAY!” sirens go off in my head. But somehow, pushing me to a reasonable limit, inside my house, with someone I trusted, over something as seemingly meaningless as a video game genuinely did the trick. It got me to engage in basic conflict resolution instead of wiggling away in misplaced fear. 

It turns out she had real reasons to be upset, too, that I needed to recognize. I had been unwilling to hear her legitimate qualms because I was too sensitive about everything. I was sensitive about getting my ass kicked and I was sensitive about what started as little notes here and there that turned into what felt like my mom trying to get me to learn T-Ball. I have really bad hand-eye coordination, OKAY, MOM? 

But she had let me fail long enough, and the result was that now we were both mad about it.

We took a step back. She apologized for getting frustrated with me. I apologized for refusing to try anything she said. She slowed down in teaching me in order to make sure I really got what she was saying instead of firing off advice I literally did not ask her for. I stopped trying to race through the game on easy mode because frankly, I had run out of areas that were easy. 

And — believe it or not — I got better. Way better. Between two full playthroughs and the DLC, I put 130+ hours into that fucking game, over twice her initial run. Practice did not make perfect (I still avoid the silver Lynels. Fuck those guys) but it did prove that I could learn a whole new skillset as an adult. It proved that I could accept help, and that I could be clear and honest when the help was not, in fact, helpful. 

We also both realized that over the course of our relationship up to that point, we did not have super healthy communication habits. The crack this game caused between us widened, and let us address the fact that we didn’t know how to argue. We were both under the impression that good couples don’t fight, ever. Obviously, this is deeply naive, and the space left by this very innocuous tiff was soon filled by an understanding that up-front, kind honesty, even if it hurts, is always going to be best. We have carried that behavior through to this day. 

Nintendo, however, still owes us a new Zelda to test our growth out on. Chop chop, fuckers. I have healthy conflict resolution to do. 

*My Spotify wrapped listen a top genre as “otacore,” which frankly fuck that because I’m not a weeb, okay, I just think the compositions of Zelda songs are really cool and—

Remake of ‘Maniac Cop’ Just Called ‘Cop’

Posted on by Chris Bowen

NEW YORK — Universal Studios announced a reboot of 1980s horror film Maniac Cop, which will now just be called Cop to more accurately reflect the attitudes that viewers in 2022 have towards police officers in general, industry sources have confirmed.

“We believe our authentic approach to the Maniac Cop franchise will have horror fans jumping out of their seats with fear, excitement and frustration,” Universal Pictures spokesperson Richard Emge explained. “We see a lucrative opportunity to take the old tropes of the over-the-top cop films from this era and reframe them with a terrifying sense of realism that will scare the pants off of modern day American audiences. Movies need to keep up with culture at a faster pace these days, and that means that audiences want to see the horrifying reality of police officers told through big budgets and an all-star cast. In 2022, calling a movie Maniac Cop is just redundant.”

Director of the film, Frank Martin, says he thinks his method and approach to filming the reboot will bring a breath of fresh air to the franchise.

“I think [Bill Lustig] missed a lot in his staging of the original film, and I’m excited for the opportunity to carry the torch of his vision,” Martin said. “The average beat cop, with his body cams, paid leave for abuse of power and total class betrayal is far more than anything portrayed by the iconic Robert Z’Dar as Matt Cordell. The reality of the concept is actually quite sad, because well, reality is sad, and along with the help of Universal, I intend to use my artistic vision to capitalize on that sad reality.”

 The lead actor attached to the project, Elijah Wood, took time away from shooting on location to talk about his role in the film.

“When I accepted the part in this movie, I knew I was in for something intense,” Wood explained, still visibly traumatized from some of the film’s on-location pre-production work. “Following around an average NYC beat cop for this role really tested my limits. The sheer amount of corruption, bribery and abuse of power these people face on a daily basis took a massive toll on my psyche. I can’t even see reruns of CHiPS without shuddering in sheer terror now. Still, I’m very proud of this film! This is going to be my big Joker moment.”

At the time of press, rumors began to circulate that Universal might continue expanding their “corrupt cop” extended universe with a gritty reboot of classic show Family Matters.

Hands-On With Sonic Frontiers: Why Do I Have to Make Sonic Go to the Bathroom So Much?

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Hard Drive got to check out a recent build of Sonic Frontiers lately, and while there is lots to talk about and report, I have to tell you I came away with one resounding question after a few hours of gameplay:I have to tell you I came away with one resounding question after a few hours of gameplay: why does the player spend so much time helping Sonic go to the bathroom? 

Shockingly, this integral part of the Sonic Frontiers gameplay was not teased in any of the preliminary footage or trailers that were released up until this point. So far we’ve seen and heard plenty about exploration, open worlds, and skill trees, with preliminary stills and footage garnering comparisons to things like Breath of the Wild and Elden Ring. They really kept the bathroom stuff up their sleeve on this one.

It was after finishing the game’s first mission, a relatively simple affair tasking me with learning the games basic controls, that Sonic first started loudly complaining about having to go to the bathroom. All of my current active missions were paused, and I was now tasked with helping the blue bomber relieve himself before anything else could be done. Any momentum garnered from that first taste of what Sonic Frontiers was all about was immediately halted as I searched high and low for somewhere for Sonic to go. 

Now, if this was something that came up once in a while throughout the game, an ill-advised flourish attempting to add authenticity to a game that is bringing a cartoon mascot into a nearly photorealistic world, I could forgive and forget. Sonic games are hardly known for being perfect, and if an occasional trip to an inexplicably placed urinal or outhouse is the worst thing a game has to offer, it’s probably a pretty okay game. 

But alas, dear gamers, it was no isolated incident. After nearly every mission, often before I could even decide what goal on the map to pursue next, Sonic would begin loudly wondering where the nearest bathroom was, and whether or not he was going to be able to make it.

“No time to do anything else,” he’ll yell. “I’ve gotta find a bathroom right away!” 

And once again, your HUD disappears, all active missions and markers are temporarily deactivated, and a search for a “decent toilet” becomes the only available goal. 

Actually, that’s another thing that doesn’t make sense, is Sonic’s insistence on finding a proper bathroom when he’s just got to take a leak (most times). In an emergency, I don’t mind going outside, assuming nobody can see me. I think most of us would say that. The giant open landscapes of Sonic Frontiers are not exactly jam packed with people. So wouldn’t you think a Hedgehog would be okay with once in a while crawling into a bush and just taking care of business? Nope, not Sonic. He says he needs a mirror and to be able to wash his hands. I guess it’s probably a positive influence on kids playing the game, but I’d be lying if I said I was having fun with this game so far, what with all the trips to the bathroom and whatnot. 

Fingers crossed there’s less of this once you get a little farther into the full release, but it’s really too early to say. As of right now though, it’s hard to recommend you play Sonic Frontiers when it comes out. There’s just too much stuff about finding a bathroom.

5 Pro-Level Fall Guys Strats to Help You Demolish Unsuspecting Children Like a Weirdo

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Guess what, gamers! The massively successful and fun platforming battle-royale game Fall Guys is back in the zeitgeist now that it has finally released on the Nintendo Switch and is free-to-play thanks to Epic Games and a whole bunch of expensive costumes you used to be able to get for free. And you know what that means, right? A bunch of unsuspecting children are logging on ready for you to destroy them in games that their grubby little hands aren’t prepared for. 

Because at the end of the day, Fall Guys is fun — but it’s not quite ever as fun as the times you defeat literal children with the strategies you learned on a website that they are not allowed to browse because it has a lot of jokes with the word “penis” on it. So without further ado, here’s five pro-level strats for Fall Guys that you can use if you’re some kind of weirdo who’s looking to try hard in this game for children. You know, until your MMR is high enough that you have to play with other adults.

You can straight up trick kids in Perfect Match

@plumpymoe

A different kind of griefing. #fallguys #fallguysmoments #perfectmatch #twitchstreamer #gaming

♬ original sound – Plumpymoe

Perfect Match is the Fall Guys game where all you have to do is memorize where fruits are on the ground and then stand on the one the game tells you to stand on. Problem is, children have very small brains and usually just look to whoever is confident and strong to be their leader. They simply do not possess the memorization skills required to remember where three to four flashing fruits are. So what you want to do is figure out where you’re supposed to stand, confidently jump to the wrong tile, and then escape to safety at the last second, watching all of your followers fall to their deaths. It’s never too early to teach children about the dangers of blindly following a stranger. And you can be that stranger.

You can skip two whole circles on Whirlygig

@urfavpolishboy

Reply to @postsfifa #fallguys #fallguystips

♬ Shootouts – speedllist

You’re running through Whirlygig and you see dozens of fools charging into the big yellow fan at the end of the level, only to be violently launched to the right when they don’t make it through. But you’re an adult playing Fall Guys, so you’re old enough to be able to win that game where someone offers you one marshmallow now or two marshmallows if you wait ten minutes. That’s why you go to the left immediately, to take the safer route with the three spinning circles. Well guess what? You can straight up skip those side circles by jumping left and then immediately diving to the right to get to that middle platform. That’s a goddamn pro-level Fall Guys strat if I’ve ever seen one. You’re going to the Fall Guys championships and you look like Will Ferrell in Elf.

You wanna skip that first ring in Ski Fall

OK so several Fall Guys mathematicians have been crunching the numbers to get the perfect Ski Fall run and it’s time for you to reap the benefits by watching a YouTube video that tells you exactly what to do. There are several strategies out there that involve completely ignoring the first ring in your first run for the golds and this video is an example of that. Feeble-minded children are not capable of the game theory involved in this level of Fall Guys play. They’ll see you walk right past that first ring and think “well that guy’s an idiot” right up until the moment they’re eliminated because they can’t even simple addition yet and you once knew how to do calculus, although admittedly, it’s been a really long time since you had to do it in high school. You remember something about derivatives. Anyway, the children in this Fall Guys round are jealous of your skill.

You can completely skip half of Freezy Peak

@mrkeroro10

Perfect Run Pico Helado en Fall Guys #parati #fypシ #mrkeroro10 #tiktok #otaku #gamer #streamer #stream #fallguys #gratis #fallguysmoments #fallguysgratis #fallguysclips #truco #protip

♬ sonido original – MrKeroro10

According to the guy in this video, you can jump up onto one of those snowball-makers in Freezy Peak and straight up jump to the end of the level. Personally, I haven’t tried to do it because I’m just trying to have some fun with my friends. But if you wanna get sweaty enough at Fall Guys to learn this kind of shit, you can grind out Freezy Peak until you make it your little bitch. Children will think you’re a hacker if they’re old enough to understand the concept of cheating already. Many children won’t even know they’ve lost the game; their parents just queue them up to play another round as soon as they’ve lost and they think it’s just a thing you run around in until time runs out. But the important thing is that you’ve won. You earned that hot dog costume.

You can become an invincible diving god in Tail Tag

https://www.tiktok.com/@fallguyszone1/video/7117562695276039429

If you really want to terrorize children in Fall Guys, you can just automatically win in Tail Tag by diving so often that it’s impossible to grab you. Kind of fucked up, to be honest. Doesn’t even look fun. This might even be considered cruel and unusual in some countries, as doing this to a child might ruin their brain to the point where they will never be able to hold a steady job as an adult. It’s probably evil. But who cares? You’ve got a tail and you cannot be tagged. Enjoy your crown, buddy. You’re the lord of the flies. 

EA Sends Tone Deaf Email Asking Gamers for $15

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

REDWOOD CITY, Calif. — Electronic Arts has upset many of its long-time supporters by sending a tone-deaf email asking gamers to pledge $15 to them for no discernible reason at a time most of them are underwhelmed with their offerings.

“Hey gamers, it’s us,” began the egregious fundraising email sent to over 60 million gamers that had previously registered an EA product. “We are in between marquee releases and high profile DLC rollouts right now, and we were just checking in and wondering if we could count on you for a one time pledge of $15? The funds will go towards making sure we continue to deliver you the best games year in and year out, and frankly we can’t do it without the support of grassroots gamers such as yourself.” 

Gamers everywhere said this was the final straw for them supporting the software giant, who’s name has in recent years become synonymous with boundaryless microtransactions and frustrating decision making. 

“Wow, this is just so typical of them,” said Ed McCall, one of many gamers to be offended upon receiving the email. “I’ve been stuck playing their football game for years because it’s literally the only option, but now they’re just cold calling and asking for money? This seems like if we keep rewarding them, they’re never going to learn and change themselves into a good game company. I’m gonna start playing modern Tecmo Super Bowl ROMs or something, fuck this.” 

Executives at EA stood by the decision to send out the email despite not having any new content to sell at the moment. 

“I understand where the backlash is coming from,” said Andrew Wilson, CEO of Electronic Arts. “But you have to understand, we here at EA depend on the support of gamers to ensure that we are able to release slightly different versions of games that should have been overhauled years ago. Without their support, that’s simply impossible. When we work together, we can make the gaming world a better place. But we just really need that $15, you know? That’s first and foremost.” 

As of press time, Wilson responded to the press’ questions about the controversial emails by taking a knee and reading a Maya Angelou poem. 

Nintendo Announces “M” on Mario’s Hat Stands for Metroid

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo has put to rest years of speculation by announcing today that the “M” on their flagship character Mario’s hat stands for “Metroid.” 

“We understand many people assumed it stood for Mario, which couldn’t be more incorrect,” said Shigeru Miyamoto, creator of the Mario character. “We’d known we wanted to make Metroid since the early days, so we thought it’d be a fun little easter egg to have Mario wear a hat that supports one of our other big upcoming projects, sort of a cross promotional thing.” 

“Everyone fell in love with his look,” he added. “So we kept that Metroid hat on him all these years.” 

Fans were shocked at the revelation. 

“Wow, I just always assumed it was an M for Mario,” said Zaneta Jackson, a long time Mario fan. “But I guess it really goes to show you shouldn’t make any assumptions. You just figure it’s an initial thing or something. But wait, no one would ever wear a big red hat with an M on it and think it somehow read as a Metroid thing. Metroid is one of my favorite series of games, and I’ve absolutely never heard of that. That’s why this is so weird to me.”

The notion that the letter on Mario’s hat was a reference to his name was thought preposterous by many at Nintendo. 

“It’s a letter on a cap, since when is that what it meant?” asked Doug Bowser, president of Nintendo of America. “You know those guys you see with B’s on their hats? They’re not named Bob or Bill, they’re actually fans of the Boston Red Sox. This is ridiculous, this assumption that Mario would need to remind the world of his first initial constantly. Nope, it’s just a Metroid hat.” 

As of press time, Bowser also clarified that the “L” on Luigi’s hat stands for “Litigation,” a reminder of Nintendo’s zero tolerance policy when it comes to their intellectual property. 

It’s Been Ten Years Since Dishonored Taught Me to Love Rats and Hate the Government

Posted on by Jonah Nink

Ten years later, walking through the streets of Dishonored’s Dunwall feels like a deja-vu-ridden fever dream. Players enter the gothic industrial city, which provides the setting Arkane’s masterful 2012 immersive sim, during the height of a plague. City authorities either fail to successfully contain the plague or simply deny it outright out of fear or personal gain, all while the corpses continue to pile higher. You know, some light escapism from our current reality.

Dishonored’s parallels to 2020 and the COVID-19 pandemic are clear, and have already been written about by people much smarter than us. Going forward, it will be nigh impossible to play the game without the pandemic in the back of our collective minds. It’s a real shame, since Dishonored’s social commentary was already biting when it was released ten years ago.

Also it’s filled with rats. And rats kick ass.

Dishonored puts players behind the spooky skull mask of Corvo Attano, the Royal Protector of Empress Jessamine Kaldwin. Kaldwin has about a minute of screen time before a group of steampunk cybergoths stab her through the gut in the game’s prologue. Since he’s an early 2010s silent protagonist, Corvo doesn’t so much as flinch when he’s blamed for the murder and dumped in prison. 

From there, Dishonored is your oyster. You’re welcome to Michael Myers your way through things, but like a good rack of ribs, it’s best to take the low and slow approach to the game’s nine wide-open missions. The stealth gameplay is top-notch, but staying restrained also lets you observe Arkane’s excellent worldbuilding. 

You’ll see things like cops harassing women, and cops being cruel to animals, and cops getting drunk on the job, and cops putting on stilts and firing explosive arrows into crowds of people, and – 

Wait, is Dishonored anti-cop? No, not at all. Dishonored isn’t just anti-cop. Dishonored despises anyone with any kind of authority whatsoever. Politicians, the military, religious leaders, aristocrats; “fuck em, they’re all the pricks”  the game says before gleefully tasking you with burning it all down.

In terms of commentary, Dishonored is more Spitting Image than Bioshock, leaning heavily into absurd yet still plausible situations in its satire. In the “Return to Dunwall Tower” chapter, it’s revealed that Dunwall’s rat plague was caused by Royal Spymaster turnered Lord Regent Hiram Burrows, who shipped the infected rats over from a far-flung continent. Why? Because he thought it would curb the poverty level. Burrows only decided to have the empress killed and take power as a means to cover up his own fuck-up.  

Dunwall’s elites chose a bafflingly stupid solution to a complex issue, and it’s the ordinary people who suffer for it. That rats themselves are innocent, and oftentimes helpful. You can summon a swarm to attack enemies or eat a body. 

Dishonored’s endgame twist rewards players who have been keeping up with its outward disdain for authority. Assisting you on your revenge against the conspiracy to frame is a second group of conspirators supposedly aiming to bring the empress’s daughter, Emily Kaldwin, back into power. Dishonored wants you to be suspicious and see right through these assholes, especially since they personally benefit from your hits. Sure enough, your former allies spike your drink and dump you in Dunwall’s Flooded District. There’s no circumventing the poisoning, Corvo is another aloof goon afterall, but the betrayal is still satisfying even if you predict it. It’s a great, if a little unsubtle twist that’s directly in line with what Dishonored has to say. 

Dishonored is a game about power, and it has a low opinion of anyone who abuses their power, including the player. Many will remember the game’s “chaos system,” which changed the gameworld and story based on the player’s in-game actions. There’s nothing stopping you from turning every NPC into ragu, but the game will punish your actions with more enemies and a worse ending. Dishonored gives you an awesome set of tools and powers, but it also gives you a question — “are you going to abuse your advantages like all these other loathsome dickheads?” 

As games continue to tackle complex themes and make more nuanced statements, Dishonored’s sledgehammer approach to political criticism is a wonderful change of pace. Arkane has been cagey about the future of the franchise, but leaving a franchise with two fantastic games and some excellent DLC isn’t bad at all. If gaming is a family, then Dishonored is the cool cousin who laughs as the world turns to ratfood from behind the Zumiez cash register.  

Controversial Spider-Man: No Way Home Deleted Scene Shows All the Uncle Bens Rotting in Hell

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — A controversial deleted scene from 2021’s hit film Spider Man: No Way Home has been released online that portrays all previous cinematic portrayals of the Ben Parker character rotting in Hell. 

“Oh god, Peter, it burns all day and I feel every bit of it!” yelled Uncle Ben, played by Martin Sheen in the version of Uncle Ben seen in The Amazing Spider-Man films in the newly leaked scene, which features the collection of Peter Parker’s makeshift father figures chained together in a burning hellscape. “Whatever you do, use your power to make sure you don’t end up here with us and all of the Uncle Bens from every timeline.” 

“As well as the people that were into the wrong religion,” he added. 

The scene was cut from the film shortly before arriving in theaters for being too intense for the film, among other reasons. 

“I hated to lose the scene of the Uncle Bens burning in Hell, but it just slowed the film down too much,” said director Jon Watts. “We have so much going on, with different Spider-Mans and returning characters and everything else, I just couldn’t figure out the best place to put the scene. I am still really proud of it though and I think it works really well. Also, they were gonna give us an R rating, so we cut it out. They said there was too much screaming and burning skin and bones sticking out of people.”

“It’s too bad, really, because we filled it with so many hilarious memes,” Watts said. “I think fans would have gone nuts in the theater when they saw Raised-Arms-Elmo hanging out in Hell with the Bens.”

MCU fans had mixed reactions to the bold scene. 

“On one hand, it’s a little intense having this much mortality in a Marvel movie, especially for no particular reason,” said Grant Robinette, a local MCU fan. “But I can’t help but be thrilled at the fact that there’s three of them, which does confirm that the Tom Holland Spider-Man had an Uncle Ben, something we’ve actually never known for sure. Peter’s suitcase in Far From Home had the initials ‘BFP’ on it, but it was never officially stated. So that’s a nice bit of trivia for the fans. Shame they’re all rotting in Hell, though.” 

As of press time, the 37-minute scene had been uploaded in its entirety to YouTube.

Guy Who Hates Everyone Equally Surprised to Discover the Feeling Is Mutual

Posted on by Stephen Bell

BELLEFONTAINE, Ohio — Local misanthrope Scott Dempsey was surprised to discover earlier today that his favorite sarcastic one liner about “hating everyone equally” is a mutual feeling shared by everyone else back at him.

“I have to say, when I made that silly post on Reddit about not being racist because I hate everyone equally, I really wasn’t expecting to get that bounced right back at me so quickly,” said Dempsey, taken aback by the immediate inflow of downvotes to his posts and follow-up comments. “I was at least expecting to get a little of the ol’ gold for my troubles for sharing such a witty line with the crowd. Can’t anyone take a joke these days?”

Dempsey’s fellow Redditors were not quite as amused by his line as he was.

“We all know that he was kidding, but what we really hate about him is that he’s a trite hack who makes the same joke in every comment thread,” said fellow Redditor Lisa Johnson. “Whenever there’s a discussion about racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, or pretty much any other phobia, he always shares the same hilarious joke. We’ve had enough. If he’s going to claim to be the world’s biggest bigot, then we’re going to play along and treat him as such for hundreds of angry replies. There need to be consequences.”

Moderators on Reddit have actually noticed what a positive effect the community’s shared hatred of Dempsey has had.

“Because he’s such a consistent commenter on threads that set him up to make that stupid joke, it’s actually become a real morale booster for users to complain about Dempsey’s posts”, said r/FuckScottDempsey moderator Calvin James. “I’ve heard several stories about people making friends and starting Discord servers because they bonded over hating how often that guy showed up in comments to trot out that dumb fucking joke. It’s great to see people connecting online even if it’s just to shun an asshole together.”

At press time, a sleuthing Redditor discovered through some of Dempsey’s problematic early posts that his ‘equal opportunity’ bigotry was actually just the regular kind.