Eragon Fans Preemptively Harassing Actors Who Might Get Cast in the TV Show

Posted on by Patrick Sullivan

LOS ANGELES — Following the announcement that an Eragon television show is in development, fans of the series took matters into their own hands by preemptively harassing any actor that might even be considered for a role in the Disney+ show.

“Look, I have a very clear picture in my head of what these characters should look like, and I’m not willing to give the benefit of the doubt to anyone not matching my very realistic exact specifications for them,” said Andrew Brock, who goes by @eragon4lyfe02 on Twitter. “Naturally, my only recourse is to shoot weaponized hate at any possible actor that might take a role in the show until Disney+ contacts me about my perfect fan casting. People think only Star Wars fans harass actors, but guess what: Eragon is a rip off of Star Wars, so we’re taking the fans’ playbook too, motherfucker.”

When asked to describe any of the characters to see what Brock’s specifications were, Brock seemed to struggle to say anything that was even remotely tangible.

“They should be cool, but not so cool that they become unrelatable. And also hot, but not unrealistically hot so I can imagine a possibility of getting with them. And they all should be white, obviously. Because the books take place in dragon times.”

Brock is not alone in his feelings, as hundreds of others bravely took to social media to voice their disapproval over the show since it was announced two calendar days ago.

“I don’t think fanbases generally want to send rude messages to an actor over a performance or casting,” said Mark Johnson, another lifelong fan of the series who decided they needed their voice to be heard. “For example, I’m a huge DC fan, and I can’t think of a single time anyone in the DC community has ever harassed an actor in the series. But with Eragon, I’m willing to make as many people as possible uncomfortable until I get what I want.”

When asked what Johnson would do in the weeks to come regarding the show, he shrugged and said he would most likely go back to harassing the children cast in the Percy Jackson show because “they deserve it.”

7 Wrestlers Fortnite Should Also Add So I Can Beat John Cena’s Ass

Posted on by Minus World

I have been waiting years to say this and the time is finally now: John Cena is coming to Fortnite. Nintendo may have been too cowardly to put the 16-time champ in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, but Epic Games understands how much the world wants to see Mr. Hustle Loyalty Respect hit Naruto with an avalanche Attitude Adjustment from the top of Steamy Stacks.

Fortnite adding Cena to the mix opens the door for a crossover with limitless potential. Now that a WWE superstar is in the game, there’s so much opportunity to bring more wrestlers to the battle royale game — specifically, wrestlers who have absolutely wiped the floor with Cena during his illustrious career. To truly represent Cena in a video game, he needs a few key rivals who can keep him humble.

As you can probably guess, I already have some ideas. These wrestlers deserve a spot in the Fortnite Hall of Fame so I can better troll children who are just trying to play as their hero. 

#7 — Brock Lesnar

One of the best moments of my life was seeing Brock Lesnar absolutely squash John Cena at Summerslam 2014, right at the height of Super Cena’s reign. For 16 glorious minutes, we got to see John Cena ragdolled around the ring via german suplexes. Cena tried to make a comeback late in the match, but he got F5’d into the core of the Earth for his efforts. If Fortnite is serious about creating a partnership with the WWE going forwards, Epic needs to bring the Beast in. Include Paul Heyman as back bling and let me use his farm boy look as an alt skin.

#6 — CM Punk

Fortnite may be celebrating Summerslam with Cena, but it should have cashed in on the Summer of Punk. The current (non-interim) AEW champion has a long history with Cena, acting as his foil in WWE. While Cena was seen as a kiss-ass company man, CM Punk was the voice of the people. That should be reflected in Fortnite. Anytime someone using the John Cena skin wins a round of Fortnite, an opposing player using a CM Punk skin should get to drop a pipe bomb promo via voice chat, absolutely shitting on Epic Games and eventually defecting to Apex Legends. At the very least, give me a “Go to Sleep” emote.

#5 — Kevin Owens

Remember that one glorious moment in 2015 when then-NXT champion debuted on Raw to answer John Cena’s United States Championship open challenge, only to say “naw, I don’t actually want to fight you, I’m just here to brag” and then the mad fucker dropped Cena and stepped on his title? And then a few weeks later, that motherfucker powerbombed Machine Gun Kelly off the ramp? Come on! Give the man a gun! Let him shoot Jonesy! Fortnite needs more heels.

#4 — Miro/Rusev

One of Cena’s most notable 2010s rivalries came from his feud with Rusev (now Miro in AEW). At the time, Rusev was a big Russian bad guy (despite being Bulgarian) holding the United States Championship. That was the perfect setup for Mr. All America to xenophobically swoop in and snap the big guy’s undefeated streak. But Fortnite can let us correct that whack booking. Not only should Epic Games put Miro in Fortnite, they should let him drive his tank around the map – the same one he used in his Wrestlemania entrance when he fought Cena, and also had sex in.

#3 — Kurt Angle

Kurt Angle was John Cena’s first rival, so he’s a natural fit here. But I don’t just want Kurt Angle in the game as a one-off skin. He should be part of an entire season theme. I’m talking Fortnite Season 9: Ruthless Aggression. Turn Fortnite into an M rated game for like three-months as a gimmick. Get some blood in there. Have The Rock’s character drop incessant sex jokes. Just go full Duke Nukem to pay tribute to an era of WWE that we all remember way more fondly than it deserves.

#2 — Rikishi

There are a lot of historic Samoan wrestlers that you’re probably expecting to see on this list, like perhaps the current undisputed champion Roman Reigns. But no one from the Anoa’i family deserves to be in Fortnite more than Rikishi. The 425 pounder beat John Cena clean TWICE in 2002 by dropping his big fat ass on his face. I think that’s enough of an accomplishment to let the Hall of Famer Bonzai Drop into Fortnite. 

#1 — The Gobbeldy Gooker

Okay, The Goobeldy Gooker has never beaten John Cena, but I think the big turkey could beat his ass. Let me prove it.

Historians Discover Stonehenge Originally Constructed as Chill Place to Smoke, Hang

Posted on by Walker MacDonald

LONDON — Historians announced a massive breakthrough surrounding the origin of the notorious prehistoric monument Stonehenge, revealing the structure was originally erected as a chill ass spot to blast cigs, trade war stories and generally hang the fuck out.

“I’m sure this may come as a shock to many, but to us, the answer couldn’t have been more clear,” said Dr. Paola Ceccarelli, professor of history at the University of London, specializing in the Hellenistic period and crushing beers. “The discovery was brought to light after a closer inspection of the undersides of the stones, revealing a series of etchings we were able to translate roughly as, ‘Gimme Head ’Til I’m Dead.’ Suddenly, it all became clear.”

Noah Wallace, a team member and student of Ceccarelli, elaborated on the new findings and the implications they could have for previously discarded evidence.

“For so long, we would come across strange blemishes in the stones that resembled ash burns and ring stains. We always chalked them up to vandalism,” said Wallace. “But now that we’ve gone back and carbon-dated them, it turns out they actually were just chilling hard as a bitch, even back then! It’s truly awe inspiring to both historians and mad tight blokes alike. Like imagine if they had Xbox 360 back then, that would be so crazy.”

Ceccarelli also announced that, in honor of the revelation, Stonehenge will be opened to the public once again to embrace in its eons-old traditions.

“To anyone and everyone that wants to come down, it’s open season. Bring some brews and maybe some KB. We’re doing what our ancestors would’ve wanted. No pills though, it’s kickback vibes,” said an elated Ceccarelli. “See those big pillars? You can draw a cock on it if you want. It’s cool, you’re allowed now. Me and the boys are gonna do some Jackass style stuff later off the perimeter, it’s gonna rule. Being a historian rocks.”

At press time, a similar discovery was made in Chile regarding the famed Moai statues of Easter Island, with reports claiming they may have originated as a “good ass bit” and are “hella funny.”

5 Great Activities to Pass the Time This Summer

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Hey cousin! What, you don’t answer my calls no more, Mr. Bigshot? Mr. Fucking Wise Guy over here? This is your cousin, Roman, and I’m here to tell you some of the best goddamned ways I could think of to pass some time this summer while we’re not sleeping with the beautiful women I have lined up all over the city! Honestly! Come, cousin, let’s fuck this city in the ass! 

BOWLING

Hey, why not go bowling and maybe we could kick the shit out of some punk asses or something, huh? That’s the American Dream, baby! Go suck shit! My cousin, Niko, he will tell you, you don’t want to fuck with me! Hey, what do you say we get out of here, huh?

STRIP CLUB 

Uhh, so I think if we go to a strip club, you should do the talking, because I tend to get thrown out of these places for being what they call an “ass-grabbing piece of shit.” I say, “Don’t you know who the fuck I am?! Me and my cousin are going to run this city one day, and then I’ll grab any ass I want! It’s the AMERICAN DREAM!” 

BAR

Come, cousin, let us take our stolen vehicle to the bar so we can tie one on before we drive to our next armed robbery. America! What a bitch of a country, am I right? My wife is leaving me. Oh fuck, I love this song! Turn it up, cousin! 

ELABORATE MOTORCYCLE CHASE 

I know what we can do next, Niko. Why don’t we ditch this SUV for a motorcycle and see if we can’t get dozens of cops up our asses, huh? What do you say? For old time’s sake, you son of a bitch! You will never catch me, Roman, cousin of Niko Bellic! 

FAST FOOD 

Fine! If you’re too fucking scared to get into a police chase maybe we go get milkeshakes or something, huh? What do you say? You better bring your wallet though, I left mine, uh, at home. America, she is one expensive whore! 

I love you, cousin. Please call me sometime this summer. I am so lonely here in America, despite all of the American tits and asses I have seen! 

“He’s Just Like Me FR” Says Man Who Is Absolutely Nothing Like Guts From Berserk

Posted on by Kevin Podas

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Tom Nalley, a longtime fan of the Japanese manga series Berserk recently remarked on twitter that the series protagonist, Guts, was exactly like him, despite little to no physical resemblance or remotely similar personality qualities.

“He’s just like me, FR” said Nalley, scrolling through Twitter on his phone at 4 a.m while laying in bed. “Look at him swinging that giant sword around, killing the apostles that haunt him every night. We’re so similar, and that cunning bastard Griffith is exactly like my night shift manager at KFC.”

Kouji Mori, the manga author currently supervising Berserk, recently saw the post and was somehow stunned at the similarities.

“Incredible,” remarked Mori. “When Kentaro Miura would talk with me late into the night about his plans for Berserk, we both agreed that no human being could ever walk a mile in Guts’ shoes, to know the tragedies he has felt and to do what he has had to do. But this man… this Twitter user… he is the true black swordsman.”

Marty Adelstein, the CEO of Tomorrow Studios who is responsible for the Netflix live-action adaptations of Cowboy Bebop and One Piece, also took notice of the post.

“Call up Netflix, we’ve found our Guts,” said Adelstein, believing the unwitting man to be exactly what they were looking for. “Production starts next month. We can finally move forward with this project. We’re going to have the wackiest, smarmiest script for Berserk ever, and this man will deliver the lines that everyone on the internet will love and appreciate. He’s just like Guts for real, and that’s our whole business.”

At press time, Nalley was seen reading a volume of Berserk on the city bus while struggling to open a bag of Goldfish crackers.

Morbius Meme Expected to Reach Facebook Any Day Now

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

MENLO PARK, Calif. — The popular trend of mocking the widely derided Sony Pictures comic book film Morbius is expected to hit the social media platform Facebook any day now, experts have warned. 

“Oh yeah, it’s gonna touch down in the next 36-48 hours for sure, and no telling how fast it’ll spread after that,” said Dwight Gibbons, a meteorologist from WKDN that predicted the meme’s arrival to the aging social media platform. “I’d recommend getting ready to see your old friends from high school posting pictures of empty theaters and Morbius tickets with ironic captions for the next month or two. At least until they get a hold of that ‘She’s a 10,’ thing I don’t fully understand. Be ready for this storm to rage until the end of the summer, easily. May god help all of us that still check our Facebook pages once in a while. ” 

The meme status of Morbius was news to Peggy Bowman, a local resident and active Facebook user that thought Jared Leto was “sexy.” 

“Oh, so they’re saying it’s a bad movie?” asked Bowman, mother of four. “That’s too bad, they work so hard on those things. Maybe they should’ve put some Minions in there or something. Anyway, I saw a page that said they were requesting they release it again in theaters which I thought was so funny, so I signed it and have been sharing it every few hours on my timeline and tagging my nieces and nephews in the posts. They just love stuff like that.” 

Sony representatives had an optimistic viewpoint about their film’s punchline status receiving a renaissance once Facebook users were made aware of it. 

“Look, there’s no such thing as bad publicity, and we’ve had a lot of publicity for this film,” said Edward McNamara, a Sony spokesperson. “And while trying to sell a laughingstock of a movie is arguably not a great position to be in, you can’t tell me having the entire world talking about your film again is a bad thing. How is that a bad thing? Oh god, we don’t have to release this in theaters yet again, do we? I just started being able to sleep again, for God’s sake.” 

As of press time, your father called and asked if you’ve heard of a movie called It’s Morbin’ Time.

New PlayStation Plus Wouldn’t Be So Underwhelming If Sony Didn’t Kill the PS Vita

Posted on by Lawrence Scotti

On June 13, Sony quietly rolled out its revamp of PlayStation Plus. Not “quietly” on purpose. “Quietly” because no one really seemed to care. The subscription service underwent a remodeling to compete with the skyrocketing success of the Xbox Games Pass service, which everyone and their mom is now subbed to, and introduced three different tiers: Essential, Extra, and Premium. 

The Essential tier is just the original PS Plus, so no changes there. Extra costs $14.99 a month gives subscribers access to a catalog of roughly 400 PS4 and PS5 titles. Pay $17.99 a month for the Premium tier, and you get a catalog of PS1, PS2, PS3, and PSP games that does not include any Sly Cooper games because Sony doesn’t want you to be too happy.

After spending a few weeks with the Premium tier, I can safely say it’s a fairly average service. It has a nice blend of old and new content that you can spend hours scrolling through without settling on anything to play. PS Plus, Extra or Premium, are never going to get day one releases the way Xbox Game Pass does, and that would’ve been okay had Sony made up for it in other areas. The Classic games are a nice touch for sure, with some real gems like Rogue Galaxy included (holy fuck that game rules). But, I couldn’t help but feel like the service would’ve been put over the top if Sony hadn’t gone into the Vita’s hospital room and snuffed it out with a pillow.

RIP Vita

You may not remember this small factoid of history (or you may remember it a little too well), but back in 2012, Sony released a portable gaming device called the PlayStation Vita. Launched at the tail end of the PS3 lifecycle, the successor to the PSP was released as an underdog in a handheld gaming market that was both dominated by the Nintendo 3DS as well as being encroached upon by a rapidly growing market for smartphone games.

The Vita seemed like a surefire hit on paper, but it was too good for this world. Add in an overpriced and proprietary PS Vita memory card and a lack of major first party games from the well known PlayStation franchises, and it didn’t take long for the handheld to flatline.

However, even through all of the challenges it faced, the Vita is still one of the best handheld gaming consoles of all time. The hardware’s impressive power and gorgeous OLED screen made the 3DS look like a McDonald’s Happy Meal toy. Despite the console lacking tons of flashy games, the mixture of the first-party ones that were released and the system’s unique ability to be perfect for porting games (often via jailbreaking) from other consoles meant that Vita owners always had a backlog of games to chew through.

One of the saddest moments of my life was my first day of classes at Pratt Institute back in 2016. Not because of the school itself, but because a water bottle had inexplicably exploded in my bag during my commute, soaking all my new books, but more importantly my Vita, in water. I did all I could to resuscitate my baby, but it simply wasn’t enough. I damn near cried as I ate the hardest bread of a shitty cafeteria sandwich you could imagine. Those feelings have come rushing back to me as I look at PS Plus and once again reflect on the lost potential of the Vita.

Missed opportunity

PS Plus’ grand remodel felt like an opportunity for Sony to reintegrate the Vita into the service, pulling it out of the shadows of the PlayStation ecosystem. It provided the company a chance to show a sign of respect towards a small, but aggressively dedicated player base that has kept the handheld console alive for all these years. Technically you can stream any PS Plus game directly to the PS Vita via use of the Remote Play feature. However, Remote Play isn’t always reliable, and requires a healthy internet connection to get stable performance, something lots of players don’t have easy access to. 

Imagine accessing all these new retro games on Vita natively, running smooth as a whistle. I bet your mouth is watering, sicko. Sony could’ve delivered on the fantasy of a successful PS4/PS5/PS Vita ecosystem, even in a smaller capacity, by completely turning the handheld device into a retro-porting machine (which, let’s be real, was mostly what it was used for anyway). It feels like there were so many avenues available for Sony to keep the Vita alive in some way, but instead, they chose the Paulie Walnuts-Minn option.

As a pure business move, it’s understandable that Sony would not want to incorporate a long dead handheld that no one owns into PS Plus, but why leave so many awesome games out on Vita Island with no life raft? The obvious hurdle in bringing Vita games on PS4 and PS5 is adapting the device’s rear touchpad capabilities, but hey, it’s not like there’s a massive library of games to solve for. Throw the few good ones a life raft!

Freedom Wars is the first game that came to my mind when thinking of a list of games lost to the forgotten Vita era. The game has Monster Hunter-inspired combat and quests, with one of the most bizarre stories I’ve ever played in a game. Set in the year 102,014 (come the fuck on) humans now live underground in “Panopticons” where the very act of being born into an overpopulated society carries a sentence from birth of 1,000,000 years. Beat the piss out of robots on the surface as a slave to the state and reduce your prison sentence. That’s the kind of badass shit Sony is hiding from us.

Sony never knew what it had with the Vita. The handheld was a diamond in the rough that could have still been alive today had Sony poured a single iota of creativity or care into it. PS Plus’ remodel was a chance to think outside the box and build a more unified Sony ecosystem, one that made space for devices like the Vita. But the only space the Vita is filling is the cardboard box of stuff in your mom’s basement that she’s begging you to let her throw away.

Opinion: Having a Bullet That Fires a Gun That Fires More Bullets Is Clearly Covered By the Second Amendment

Posted on by Patrick Sullivan

I’m a simple man, and there’s few things in this life that I love. For one, I love guns. I love the Gungeon, mainly for giving me a gun that looks like a bullet that fires three miniature shotguns that then fire even more bullets. Most importantly though, I love my country for giving me the freedom to own and use a gun that looks like a bullet that fires three miniature shotguns that then fire even more bullets. You know, for defense. Against other bullets.

In case any of you pansy-asses needed a reminder, the second amendment clearly states “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.” I didn’t write that, but you know who did? George Washington, right before he personally kicked the door down on George III and pumped him full of good ole’ fashioned American lead.

You know what the most important piece of that is? “The right of the people to keep and bear Arms.” It does not stipulate how goofy those arms could be, it does not stipulate how realistic those arms need to be. The second amendment is an equal opportunity blanket statement that lets me own and use whatever flavor of death machine I can get my American hands on.

Now I’m not going to dive into the nitty-gritty of whether the Founding Fathers could have possibly known that weaponry would evolve to the point of being able to fire missiles, plasma, black holes, money, bees or whatever else have you. I’m not going to say that there’s no way they would in good conscious ensure individual citizens could have access to weapons capable of bringing mass death and destruction with extreme ease, and that if they knew that the wording of this one amendment would cause the deaths of thousands of Americans, they would have maybe put a little more than 27 words to add just a bit of specificity to what would and wouldn’t be covered.

What I will say is that a gun that is a bullet that fires more guns that shoot more bullets is absolutely badass, and that they would 100% agree with me on that. The Founding Fathers knew that we need to protect ourselves, but our bullets need to protect themselves too, and that’s why they also need guns with bullets of their own. That’s the American dream.

Hey guess what? This is sponsored by Devolver Digital! That means you can head to Steam right now and play Enter the Gungeon to experience the pure joy of shooting a bullet that shoots a gun that shoots other bullets to kill a sentient bullet that, itself, is holding a gun and trying to shoot you. It’s very fun.

Live Action Pokémon Netflix Series Signs the Real Mr. Mime for 5-Season Contract

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

LOS ANGELES — A new live action television series based on the Pokémon games have reportedly booked the real Mr. Mime to play himself for the next five seasons.

“It was such an honor in the ’90s when Game Freak told me that they were putting me in their new game. A lot of people don’t know this, but I actually provided all of the audio clips for Mr. Mime that you hear in the game. That little screeching noise? That’s all me. Not to mention, visually, they obviously totally nailed it,” explained celebrity Mr. Mime. “So it’s exciting to finally get to bring myself to the role fully in this live action series. I wish I could have gotten involved sooner, of course, but I’m happy to finally have the time now that I’m out of rehab.”

Showrunner Vince Gilligan said he was hyped to work with Mr. Mime on the new series despite his recent struggles.

“I grew up watching Mr. Mime. He’s one of my biggest inspirations for sure and I don’t think that Breaking Bad would exist today if it were not for his work in the ’70s,” Gilligan said. “Obviously, he’s had some struggles in recent years — the drugs, the sex, the Ponzi schemes — but I’m really excited to be the one who gets to revitalize his massively important career. Mr. Mime’s legacy is at stake here, so I think he’s going to bring his A game for sure. I’d really hate to see the last thing people remember about Mr. Mime be his several Ponzi schemes.”

Pokémon fans are split on the decision to bring in the real Mr. Mime, however.

“Oh my god, MR. MIME????? I can’t believe he’s making his big comeback HOLY SHIT!!!!! IT’S MIME TIME BABY!!!!!!!” said pikawho92 on Twitter.

“What the fuck? Seriously? Fuck Mr. Mime, he cost me my 401k,” said Redditor u/JoeGrime04. “I think there’s way better people to play Mr. Mime in the show, anyway. I always thought Bill Hader would do a great job.”

At press time, Mr. Mime’s status on the show was up in the air after he had reportedly gotten himself involved in another Ponzi scheme.

Stardew Valley Villager Responds to Gifted Diamond With Disgust

Posted on by Matt Shore

STARDEW VALLEY — Hoping to form a friendship or more, the new farmer in town gifted local Jojamart employee, Shane, a rare and valuable diamond. Unexpectedly, Shane’s response was a mixture of disgust and contempt.

“Why would you give me this piece of shit?” Shane spat. “I can’t drink this. What the fuck’s the point of a gift that I can’t drink, smoke, or huff? You’re a real asshole, you know that? I’m glad your grandpa died. What a hunk of shit.”

Shane then stormed out of The Stardrop Saloon toward the river nearby his home, where he proceeded to throw rocks at fish he claimed were taunting him.

“I woke up at about 2:30 a.m. because I heard somebody swearing and a whole lot of mooing,” said Leah, Shane’s neighbor. “It turns out Shane was drunk off his ass again. Only this time he was shirtless in the mud trying to wrestle one of Marnie’s baby cows. And he was losing. The cow had him dead-to-rights. When I told him to stop and shut the fuck up, he called me a Tumblr lesbian and then started crying. He’s a fucking mess, man.”

Marnie, Shane’s aunt and roommate, begged the townspeople to forgive Shane for his repeated, inexplicable outbursts of toxic behavior, but the mood in Stardew Valley suggests that patience is wearing thin.

“He gives alcoholism a bad name,” said Pam, the bus driver, who somehow finished an entire bottle of SKOL vodka in the time it took her to respond.

Even Shane’s former friend, Sebastian, has given up on Shane. “Any time you call him out on his behavior he says, ‘I have depression.’ Fuck it. We all have depression. The only reason people come to Stardew Valley is that they have depression. Stop using mental illness as an excuse to treat everyone like garbage. Suck it up and go to therapy, man.”

The new farmer in town seems to be the last holdout on optimism with regard to Shane. “Okay, so he hates diamonds. I’ll remember that,” the new farmer muttered aloud to themself. “I’ll just wait outside his house every day with my pockets full of gifts until I find one he likes. Sure, he’s abusive, and he hates my guts. But I know in my heart I can change him. Anyway, off to the mines!”