Ash’s Pikachu Devastated After Picking Up Cool Rock He Found

Posted on by Joe Tilleli

CELADON CITY — The starter Pikachu of 10-year old trainer Ash Ketchum inadvertently evolved into his next form of Raichu after having discovered a cool looking rock, according to despondent sources.

“It all happened so fast,” said Ketchum. “We were prepping to face Erika, the Celadon City Gym leader. She’s got all grass types so I knew Pikachu would stomp her ass. Pikachu and I were about to hit up the PokeMart and something in the grass outside caught his eye. He picked it up and there was this huge flash — he just hasn’t been the same since. I’m not even sure what to call him anymore!”

Fellow trainers have taken notice of the now Raichu’s deteriorating mental state.

“He’s been too depressed to even eat,” said Ketchum’s companion and former gym leader, Brock. “He hasn’t even touched any of the jelly donuts I made for him with the rice cooker. Normally he’s all about that stuff, but now he just spends most of his time trying to coil up his extra long tail and color himself in with a yellow Sharpie. You can’t undo the mistakes of your life, little buddy. You gotta just look forward to the next day, Pik— I mean Raichu.”

 As people can only guess as to what’s going through the Raichu’s head, other Pokémon have offered up their opinions on the matter.

“It’s really getting to him,” said one Meowth who is miraculously able to speak perfect English. “I mean, the poor rat had his heart set on winning a Pokémon league championship before ever evolving into a Raichu, but now? His best years are behind him. When you hear him say ‘Raichu-Raiii’ that isn’t just him saying his new name. That roughly translates to ‘I’m going to fucking kill myself.’”

At press time, Ketchum went on to say he regrets not “holding B” whatever that may mean.

J. Jonah Jameson Eagerly Types ‘Pictures of Web-Slinging Menace’ Into DALL·E 2

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

NEW YORK — After acquiring a coveted invitation to the still-private AI-driven image generation software, Daily Bugle publisher J. Jonah Jameson reportedly sat down at his computer earlier today and eagerly typed the phrase ‘pictures of web-slinging menace’ into the DALL·E 2 user interface.

“Finally, I don’t have to rely on photo monkeys like that numbskull Parker any more,” Jameson said, his eyes locked on his browser window waiting for pages and pages of AI-generated photos of Spider-Man to unfurl before him. “Surely this small suggestion will be enough to produce the spitting image of that menace, I’ve finally got him! Infinite pictures of Spider-Man and they’re all mine!”

Staff at the Daily Bugle say they’re concerned about Jameson’s fixation on more and more elaborate ways of smearing Spider-Man’s reputation.

“I think Spider-Man has been doing a lot of good for the city lately, and that’s why there’s no real pictures of him doing anything bad,” explained Bugle editor Robbie Robertson. “Jonah’s been locked in his office DMing with teenagers in Kyrgyzstan all hours of the evening trying to get access to that AI thing. I’ve never seen him so excitedly take out his credit card before, it was really surreal. I guess that website must be pretty valuable but it feels unfair to Spider-Man.”

Readers of the Daily Bugle have been surprised by the avalanche of artificially generated and sometimes terrifyingly surreal Spider-Man photos that have run in the paper since Jameson’s experiment.

“Some of the photos in this Spider-Man cover story look like an acid trip nightmare,” said pizza chef Marylou Weaver, flipping through a copy of the Daily Bugle on her lunch break and sometimes recoiling in fear. “This one’s just a giant spindly-armed creature slinging giant webs onto terrified civilians with its horrific snout. What the hell is going on with that? I think I’m going to be up at night thinking about it, but it certainly makes the picture right next to it of Spider-Man punching an old lady in the face seem very realistic by contrast. What a menace that Spider-Man is!”

At press time, Jameson was reportedly haggling with DALL·E 2 to pay it fewer credits for each future Spider-Man photo it generates.

Zack Snyder Seizes Window of Opportunity to Upload Homemade Feature-Length ‘Batgirl’ Film to YouTube

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

PASADENA, Calif. — After confirming that the coast was totally clear with no other competing creative visions to compete with for attention, the controversial superhero filmmaker Zack Snyder reportedly seized a crucial window of opportunity by uploading a homemade feature-length Batgirl film to his personal YouTube channel earlier this afternoon.

“What Warner Bros. Discovery did to Leslie Grace’s Batgirl is disgraceful,” said Snyder, speaking from his living room in a brief pre-roll clip at the start of the uploaded video. “That’s why I’ve decided to immediately un-shelve my own personal rendition of this story, titled Zack Snyder’s Batgirl: The Version Hollywood Never Wanted You To See, which obviously wouldn’t even have such a truthful title like that if I had to go through the traditional channels. And before anyone asks, let me answer the number one question on everybody’s minds: yes, it is in 4:3 aspect ratio.”

Fans quickly reacted to the upload with a mix of elation and confusion.

“Is this the Batgirl movie that was just killed by that merger? Why is Zack Snyder playing basically every character?” said one commenter, TheDorkKnight67. “Also it sounds like half the time the camera is being held by one of his kids and I can hear them whining in the background of every other shot. Still, I guess this is better than no Batgirl movie at all. I’m just glad it doesn’t have any Killing Joke stuff, but I’m only four hours in so there’s a decent amount of time left.”

Executives at Warner Bros. Discovery say they are nonplussed by Snyder’s move despite the popularity of his version of the film.

“We wish Mr. Snyder the best of luck in his endeavors, but ultimately we just like not paying taxes more than we like releasing comic book films,” said Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav. “I just hope for his sake that his channel isn’t monetized — from the looks of his view count already, he’s going to be in for a world of hurt come April of next year. I wouldn’t want to be that guy’s H&R Block tax professional, what a headache!”

At press time, Snyder was beside himself with confusion after scrolling through thousands of angry comments demanding that he release the Snyder cut of Zack Snyder’s Batgirl.

Nintendo Announces They’re Sending a Guy Over to Collect Your 3DS Once the Servers Go Offline

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

REDMOND, Wash. — Nintendo shocked the gaming world today by announcing that they’re going to be sending guys out to collect everybody’s 3DS’s next year once the servers go offline. 

“I’m really sorry, we should have mentioned that part sooner, that’s on us,” said Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser at a press conference this morning. “But yeah, come March 27, 2023, one of our guys is gonna be coming by, and I really suggest you give him your 3DS. Anyone that’s agreed to our terms and services in the last few years has fully agreed to participate in this process as well as waiving any right to litigate over any physical damage that may come from the altercation, should the situation escalate.” 

Gamers were shocked by Nintendo’s announcement. 

“Wait, I thought I was still going to be able to use it, there just wouldn’t be online servers anymore,” asked Ed Campbell, a 3DS owner that still plays the handheld system frequently. “But if I understand what they announced today, a big scary man is coming over and if I don’t have it, they’re going to ‘take me outside.’ What does that mean? Oh man, I knew I should’ve never signed up for StreetPass. Now they know where I live!” 

Many in gaming media were less surprised with Nintendo’s latest controversial announcement.

“Not even the weirdest thing they’ll do this year, just watch,” said Liz Mahoney, a games journalist. “Whether it’s being absurdly behind the times in most aspects of console gaming, or continuing to pick fights with fervent fanbases of their games, Nintendo just always finds some unique way to be completely frustrating. They’re really world class assholes.”

“Still though, they got Mario and Zelda,” she added. “What are ya gonna do?”

As of press time, someone asked Bowser what would be happening to the remaining WiiU’s in circulation and got a big laugh. 

‘Tony Hawk’s Amateur Skater’ Lets You Fuck Up Your Wrist in a Way That Will Never Really Heal Right

Posted on by Max Barth

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Activision has released Tony Hawk’s Amateur Skater, a new skateboarding video game that allows players to break their character’s wrists in ways that will never fully heal. 

“After speaking with hundreds of amateur skaters, we knew we had to do more to incorporate the kind of gritty, street-wise punk aesthetic that leads thousands of young(ish) people straight to the emergency room each year,” said lead designer William Perry. “From the beginning, the Amateur Skater development team was dedicated to authenticity, and nothing is more authentic than having your character audibly cry because you made him attempt a hard flip and the board didn’t go all the way around and it bounced up like a pogo stick and hit him in the testicles.”

Tony Hawk himself reportedly participated in the design process, which resulted in a custom Hawk-branded neck brace available in-game.

“I may be a pro now, but I was once an amateur — and I’m no stranger to injuries. That’s why I’m proud to partner with Activision for the Breakin’ Stuff content pack, available for $9.99,” said Hawk. “The exclusive Hawk neck brace is identical to the one I wore in high school after I attempted a Kickflip McTwist in an abandoned construction site to impress my friend’s sister.”

Early reviews from players were overwhelmingly positive.

“Playing this game makes me really feel like I’m part of the amateur skater community, even though I don’t do it IRL,” said Leslie Allison, 14. “I’ve never sprained so much as an ankle, but Amateur Skater lets me realize my dream of attempting tricks I have no business performing. I got the Breakin’ Stuff pack and everything, so my skater is already in intensive care with some cool Hawk swag, a broken collarbone and a severely bruised ego — thanks, Mr. Hawk!”

As of press time, Activision had teased a DLC that would allow Amateur Skater characters, in limited instances, to be completely sober while skating.

‘Yeah, I’m Listening’: Man Pauses Game to Ignore You for a Bit While He Thinks About Game Still

Posted on by Matt McInerney

BALTIMORE — Local gamer Gary Doyle reportedly paused his game to listen to his partner deliver important news, but he not-so-secretly continued to peek at the screen instead, confirmed undeceived sources.

“I’m really good at doing two things at once. I think my years of gaming have trained me to have kind of a superbrain,” said Doyle, pointing to his head. “Like the other day, Sonia interrupted me while I was playing Madden and said she had something important to tell me. It was in the game’s final seconds, so I had to focus on remembering my play call. But I was still able to pause and have a whole conversation with her. As soon as she was done with whatever she said, I hopped right back in, drove down the field, and scored.”

Sonia Ayers, Doyle’s long-time girlfriend, didn’t experience it quite the way Gary explained.

“I was excited to tell him that his little sister got into college, but he barely re-focused his eyes as I stood there. He just nodded and said ‘uh huh’ like four times. And he absolutely looked over my shoulder at the pause screen,” Ayers said. “Gary thinks he can juggle everything, but really he just fucks up whatever he’s not focused on. Yesterday I asked him to go to the store, and on his way out, I reminded him why while he stared at his phone. Five minutes later, he called me to ask why he was in a CVS parking lot. I told him to look down where I’d written ‘toilet paper’ on his hand.”

Eve Robbins, a researcher at The Maryland Institute, has done several studies on multitasking behavior.

“Every subject will go on and on about how capable they are because they watch Family Guy while browsing Reddit or apply lipstick with cruise control on,” said Robbins. “But, without fail, the second we give them two tasks that require focus, like checking email and reading an article, they collapse. It takes them twice as long as doing each separately, and their comprehension of each drops through the floor. Honestly, my job kind of boils down to frustrating people until they scream, ‘give me a minute!’”

At press time, Doyle was seen on a Zoom call with co-workers alt+tabbing to check a Slack message while sharing a PowerPoint presentation.

Michael Caine Joins Cast of Christopher Nolan’s ‘Oppenheimer’ in Role of Atomic Bomb

Posted on by Camden Brazile

LOS ANGELES — Auteur director Christopher Nolan announced the latest addition to the star-studded cast of his 2023 film Oppenheimer today: Sir Michael Caine in the role of the atomic bomb.

“Chris came to me before the movie started production and told me ‘you’re my Fat Man,’” Caine explained. “I love working with him, so I obviously acquiesced. The role of the bomb intrigued me. While I usually give exposition or bring gravitas to clunky but necessary dialogue, this time I’m supposed to annihilate two Japanese cities on screen. It’ll be the acting challenge of a lifetime, but I’m ready for it. I have no lines, I just sit in a glass case in a lab for most of the film being ogled by scientists and Cillian Murphy until they drop me out of a plane onto Nagasaki in the third act.”

Nolan explained his casting choice while doing press for the upcoming movie.

“I felt that the bomb really needed to connect with audiences right away, and I went straight to Michael,” Nolan said. “Something about the manner he carries himself is so stately and professional, so I wanted him to be the dramatic lynchpin of the story. Just to be safe, we had him do a brief screentest where we dropped him on some scale models to see how it would look, and we knew right away he was perfect. There’s this amazing shot we got in IMAX of Michael falling over Japan, which we did for real, and it’s chilling. Oppenheimer’s story is so American, but I’m glad I could sneak in a British actor in there, even if he explodes into smithereens before saying anything.”

At press time, although he had not been officially announced to be joining the cast, sources reported Tom Hardy was just going to assume he’s in the movie somewhere until proven otherwise.

New HBO Max Show Just Footage of Guy Flushing $90 Million Dollars Down the Toilet

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Warner Bros. Discovery has debuted a bizarre new show on HBO Max that simply shows a man flushing about $90 million of theirs down a toilet. 

“It’s weird, but I guess it’s a much quicker way of doing that than they did with Batgirl,” said pop culture journalist Ann Carpenter. “They spent almost nine figures making a movie and now they won’t even throw it on their streaming platform? It makes no sense. At least with this new toilet show they’re cutting out the middleman and not shutting down any city streets to make a movie no one will ever see. I might check it out, actually. HBO stuff is always so good.” 

The new series, A Guy Just Stands There and Flushes 90 Million Dollars Down A Toilet premiered last night, garnering high ratings and mixed reviews. Even the show’s star reported having mixed feelings about the project. 

“I didn’t understand [the assignment] myself at first, but a gig is a gig, especially an HBO one,” said Conrad Harris, the actor portraying the titular ‘Guy’ in the prestigious network’s latest original show. “They said they had some radical new ideas as to how to help get viewers connected to their expanding universe of content, and I guess flushing 90 million dollars down the toilet was a part of that vision. Seems weird to me, but what do I know? I guess John Wilson was busy.” 

“Am I in the DC Universe now?” he added. 

Executives at Warner Bros. Discovery defended their recent decisions, which have drawn the ire of many fans. 

“Look, we know you were excited about the Batgirl movie, but we saw it, and we’re doing you a favor,” said Walter Winstead, a senior VP with the corporation. “I mean sure, the action scenes were alright, and it was absolutely great to see Michael Keaton as Batman again. And honestly, J.K. Simmons and Brendan Fraser never disappoint. Oh, and Leslie Grace is clearly a star. But besides that, there was just no way anyone in the world should ever, ever see this movie, not even once, nope. You’re welcome!” 

As of press time, the newest episode of The Rehearsal also featured Nathan Fielder flushing $90 million of HBO’s money down a toilet.

Desperate GameStop Announces They Will Literally Jack Off Any Customer Who Agrees to Preorder ‘GTA 6’ From Them

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

GRAPEVINE, Texas — A stressed out looking GameStop executive announced today that they’ll straight up jerk you off in the back room if you pre-order Grand Theft Auto 6 at any of their remaining locations. 

“We’re not gonna lie, it’s been a weird couple of years,” said Walter Bamford, a GameStop VP, in a press conference held earlier today. “The decline of physical game sales combined with our absolutely atrocious approach to customer service seemed sure to doom us, until we enjoyed a brief status as what’s known as a meme stock. Since then, we’ve laid off a shit ton of employees and have launched an NFT marketplace that’s been even more poorly received than you would guess!” 

“We had to take one down of a guy jumping to his death during 9/11,” he added. “To let you know how that’s even possible.” 

The announcement was shocking to many, including the makers of the highly anticipated Grand Theft Auto 6. 

“We want the public to know that we knew nothing of this promotion and do not condone, support, or approve of it,” said a statement issued by Rockstar Games in response to the controversial whacking off pre-order bonus being offered. “The fact of the matter is that we’ve had less motivation to give GameStop exclusive content for our games as the years have gone on, and it would appear that they are quite literally ready to take matters into their own hands at this point. By all means, if you want to get your rocks off, go for it. But please know it’s not us. Love, your pals at Rockstar.” 

Local gamers don’t appear to be very shocked by the news. 

“Well, they’ve been fucking me in the ass for years, so maybe this makes a little bit of sense,” said Blake Toddley, a lifelong gamer.  “No, I’m just kidding. But for real, even if a weird handjob from a talkative GameStop employee sounded like my kind of thing, I don’t trust it. I feel like they just want an excuse to have a couple minutes with you to tell you about their rewards program and all that. They can keep their handjob and their subscription to Game Informer, frankly.” 

As of press time, GameStop had announced that they’d also throw in “a little mouth stuff,” if you grabbed some Funko Pops while you’re there.

U.S. Military Hires Joss Whedon to Enhance Quippiness of Soldiers in Battle

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — The United States military has reportedly hired writer and director Joss Whedon to help make soldiers quippier in battle.

“We’ve been doing our best to start a third world war over the last few years, but if we’re serious about getting into a conflict with China, we absolutely need to make sure that our soldiers have the funniest MCU style one-liners,” said United States Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin. “Quips are the height of combat technology, and we all know how well those movies do overseas, so you know that China is going to be extremely prepared to out-quip our soldiers. World War II was fought with guns and nukes, but World War III will be fought with ‘is that a thing?’s and ‘oh you’ve got be kidding me’s.”

“Our combat studies have shown that soldiers are fifty times more efficient when the rest of the troops stand back and say things like, ‘I’m glad he’s on our side’ while they’re battling it out with several enemies at once. We need to harness these witty one-liners and develop even sharper ones with the help of top notch quipsters like Whedon,” Austin continued. “We need to develop new ways of securely transmitting sensitive counterintelligence through sarcastic lines  like, ‘ugh, they have snipers now?’ while running away from fire. If we want to compete on the global scale — and even more importantly, if we want to justify rising defense budgets — we need to act on this now.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Whedon is just happy to get more work after years of inactivity.

“I totally get it — the troops can be so gloom and doom. They hardly ever reference old pop culture items when giving orders! If we’re going to have such a powerful military, they might as well sound like the Avengers” Whedon said, sticking his hands down his pants for some reason. “I’ve already done a lot of work for the military while I worked for Marvel, so it’s a totally perfect fit. I’m so excited to see how plucky and sexy we can make all our soldiers!”

At press time, Joss Whedon was fired for trying to have sex with every female general.