NEW YORK — Forbes announced today that this year’s edition of 30-Under-30 will instead be called 32-Under-32 in order to include the daughter of Forbes’ CEO, who is reportedly really good at drawing.
“I don’t normally like to exercise my power in order to help my children out, because that would be nepotism, but I think it’s fair in this case because Veronica is just so good at drawing. She would easily make the list if she wasn’t too old and I think she absolutely needs to be represented!” explained Forbes CEO Michael Federle. “She only just started drawing about a year ago, but she’s already crushing it. She can’t do people yet, but if you ask her to draw a street or something, she does this thing where she draws a big X on the page and then draws the buildings and such along the lines of it. I don’t know how she comes up with this stuff, but she’s our next Picasso for sure. I know he did paintings, but if he did drawings too.”
Veronica Federle was announced along 31 other notable young people in the category “Art & Style” as well as “Social Impact” because “her drawings really make people think.”
“I know people are going to poo poo this because my dad is the CEO, but I genuinely think he would have done this for me if he just saw my drawings and we weren’t related at all,” the budding drawer explained. “Not to mention, I’m not taking anybody’s spot; we actually added an extra person to each category this year, so they should really thank me. Honestly, in many ways, having my dad be the CEO of Forbes has only made my career harder because people expect so much of me. Thankfully, I have managed to rise to the occasion!”
According to those familiar with the situation, Federle plans to use her drawing skills to eventually make a transition into being a leading actor in a prestige television drama or film.
At press time, we considered reaching out to young up-and-coming artists who felt snubbed by the decision to include Veronica Federle in this year’s list, but we don’t know who they are.
REDMOND, Wash. — Due to a miscalculation in the otherwise seamless rollout of Microsoft’s industry-leading backwards compatibility and cross-platform game support for their vast catalogue of titles, gamers have discovered that several old Xbox magazines were rendered totally unusable by a bloated 796MB software update released by Microsoft yesterday.
“They’ve completely bricked my favorite mags,” Retro enthusiast Drew Robins lamented, flipping through pages and pages of glossy magazine layouts now littered with error messages. “I keep getting this one bug saying that WiFi connection is required to install a required typo patch. I can’t fix it. I Googled what I thought was an error code, but in retrospect, that could have just been the page number. I tried my best at a hard reset by closing and reopening the magazine but everything’s still blank. Fuck this.”
Robins made the shocking discovery yesterday in his garage after stumbling upon his once completely readable copy of Xbox Cheat Codes Monthly from May 2003 with holographic special edition Enter The Matrix cover. The magazine-bricking update has since generated widespread public outcry with its size proving far too large for most classic gaming magazines, which all notably released with a total storage capacity of 0MB.
“You used to be able to buy a magazine and know exactly what would be in it as long as you had it,” chain-smoking newsagent Walter Caroll explained. “Nowadays, they’re updating content for re-release all the time. Some of them change style by the day. Some of them are only half-written by the release date and the publishers promise to patch in the rest of the words six months later. Customers were returning some mags last week saying they added a bunch of ‘nerfed paragraphs. I’m losing my goddamn mind here.”
After attempting and failing to open the magazine successfully for about 25 minutes, Robins concluded that his endeavor was simply “far too much effort” for what likely would have only amounted to a halfhearted nostalgic skim through a 7/10 review for Brute Force.
“Microsoft regrets that the latest update to our Xbox gaming services designed to fix an issue that the last update unknowingly caused, has caused this issue,” a Microsoft press release detailed today. “Cross-platform coding is a complicated process. Updating a paper magazine’s original format from a gaudy, overwhelming column layout to a gaudy, overwhelming panel layout will take time. We are happy to confirm that this shall be amended in a further, larger update.”
Though Microsoft has expressed interest in taking long-term steps toward “classic magazine preservation”, the company has revealed in the meantime a new $14.99 monthly subscription that will deliver 300 magazines a month directly to your house.
VANCOUVER — Local worker Joshua Stewart expressed profound relief after his company announced a new hybrid work schedule, allowing him to actually go to the bathroom on Tuesdays, Thursdays and weekends.
“Working a hybrid schedule means I won’t have to be on site all week, which also means a lower chance of getting another bladder infection or appendicitis from ignoring my basic human functions because of their unrealistic workload,” said a relaxed Stewart from inside the comfort of his home bathroom. “They tell us we’re free to go as often as we want, but everyone knows they monitor the fuck out of everything, so we’re usually too scared to leave our posts and sometimes end up relieving ourselves in a soda can or worse. I know it sounds like prison but it’s not that bad, they gave us a ten cent raise for one month during the peak of the pandemic so we’re pretty lucky, as they keep reminding us.”
Stewart’s manager Sandro Santis was happy his employees were enjoying the hybrid work schedule but cautioned against getting too comfortable.
“We’re proud to offer some staff the ability to work remotely for work-life balance or whatever,” said Santis between checking his watch each time an employee exited the bathroom. “But if any staff are suspected of abusing the privilege of going to the toilet while on our time, there will be consequences. I’m not saying we have moles inside the water department who can pinpoint with extreme accuracy how often our employees flush their toilets, but I’m not not saying that either. For legal reasons.”
HR expert Maya Rivers praised Stewart’s new hybrid schedule and offered advice on how other workers could ask for similar arrangements themselves.
“This hybrid work schedule gives Mr. Stewart a much better quality of life — going to the bathroom whenever he wants on two different weekdays, and the weekend? I’d love to see more American workers get those kinds of cushy perks,” explained Rivers. “My advice is to have constructive dialogue with your boss expressing any concerns you may have about the work environment. And in the meantime, you can always relieve yourself in other locations, such as the hood of their Audi.”
At press time, Stewart was in the bathroom washing up when a suspicious drone flew up to his window, snapped a few pictures, then disappeared.
KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo designer and director Masahiro Sakurai revealed in an interview today that what many consider to be his magnum opus, Super Smash Bros. Melee, was never in fact meant to be played competitively or at all.
“When I designed Melee, I never could have predicted it would explode the way it did,” Sakurai said. “I did not design the game to be played competitively, or even casually. It shouldn’t be played in tournaments, or at home, or on vacation, or with friends, or alone. Have you seen that game? I meant it to be purely as a fun little experiment for myself to mess around with, but when I left to go to the bathroom Nintendo copied the code and shipped millions of copies. It saddens me when I see people get so upset about losing or the game’s bugs, as I just wanted the game to be destroyed once I saw how finicky it was. I would never ever release a video game that places Kirby so low on the tier list. I am sorry for my sin.”
Professional Smash Melee player Justin ‘Plup’ Mcgrath commented on the new information about the development of his favorite game.
“Yeah, that checks out,” Plup said on his Twitch.tv stream Tuesday. “Come to think of it, the game is not fun nor playable. Most of the game is getting frustrated or being cheated by buggy software. I don’t think anyone was meant to touch this game at all, let alone dedicate their entire life and career to perfecting it in tournament play. Burn every copy of this. Please. No man should have to suffer like I have. I’m going to try to teach myself League.”
At press time, sources at Nintendo noted that Super Smash Bros. Brawl was also not meant to be played competitively or at all, and thankfully it wasn’t.
BELLEVUE, Wash. — A recent software update to Valve’s handheld Steam Deck includes a notification that the gaming system has grown dangerously hot and that you should stop touching it as soon as possible.
“Oh thank god, this is actually really helpful,” said Grant Tillman, a gamer that was among the first to receive their Steam Deck after pre-ordering it last year. “I’ve been playing so much on this game, it’s really great. New stuff, emulators, everything in between, just a blast. The only thing is, when it gets going it gets a little loud and very hot. Thankfully this new update will tell me when to put the system down, lest I scorch my skin on the bastard.”
“No more trips to the burn ward after a long night of Rocket League!” he added.
Valve employees said they worked as hard as they could to remedy the lack of a notification that alerts the user to the high temperature of the computer in their hands.
“An oversight, we absolutely blew it on this one,” said Drew Ragan, a representative from Valve. “Look, we’re learning as we go on this, and hindsight is 20/20. We really should have anticipated that these things turning into little fireballs is going to be worth mentioning to the player. Otherwise, they’ll just sit there and melt their fucking hands. The absolute sickos.”
Critics of Valve said that the notification is too little, too late.
“Oh, NOW they add a notification that my system has grown hot to the touch,” said Eric Liles,” one of many gamers to sustain serious burns from the device. “I finally got my Steam Deck a few weeks back and Elden Ring ran so well that thing they’re saying I may never game again. Third degree burns on my palms. I’m just like Jesus Christ, only my sacrifice seems like it may be greater. I wonder if my Kinect is still in the basement.”
As of press time, Valve has said they’re working on an update that will provide a notification when you have spilled something on your Steam Deck.
PONTIAC, Mich. — A first look at some exclusive new footage from the highly anticipated The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild 2 reveals that the guy that said he worked for Nintendo was 100 percent lying to me, everyone at the office has confirmed. Damn.
“I fucking told you, Mark,” said Jeremy Kaplowitz, Editor-in-Chief of Hard Drive and the co-creator of The Hamlet Factory, an animated Adult Swim web series. “Why would someone with the email HardDriveSucksRocks@gmail.com email us out of the blue and share leaked Breath of the Wild footage with absolutely nothing to gain? You didn’t give that guy any money, did you?”
The pseudo-trailer started with repurposed footage from previous teasers of the upcoming game, but after 20 seconds the video abruptly cuts to a dog humping a parking cone, in what some viewers first mistook as outside interference from a third party. And, according to sources close to the information, I had, in fact, given the source money.
“Yeah, I don’t think that’s a mistake,” said our IT guy. I think his name’s Derek? “It seems like someone just sent you a video of a dog humping a parking cone. I’m not sure why you filed a ticket that said you’d been hacked by the dark web and Al Qaeda. Someone’s just fucking with you, Mark. How do you still work here?”
The footage promised to showcase features both new and old to the beloved Zelda series, with holdovers such as cooking and climbing being included alongside additions like pole vaulting, scrapbooking, and hot dog eating contests.
“Oh yeah see, that should’ve given it away probably,” said Kevin Flynn, editor at Hard Drive, when I asked him what the fuck was happening to me. “Have you played Zelda games before, Mark? None of that new stuff would ever happen. Well, maybe pole vaulting. But nevertheless. Also, looking back over this email exchange you guys had, I’m shocked that you paid him as much as you did. Does Jeremy know about this?”
“Also I think you are really cool,” he may or may not have said, honestly I can’t remember.
While nothing concrete can be taken from the fraudulent video, one thing has been confirmed: anticipation for Breath of the Wild 2 is higher than ever these days.
Also, would everybody please stop fucking with me?
LOS ANGELES — The latest film adaptation of a video game has cast one of its leading roles, as producers of the upcoming Katamari movie have announced that Elon Musk will portray the big pile of shit that you roll around in the game.
“You know how you always hear filmmakers talk about how long and extensive the casting process was for a big role like this,” asked Scott Marshall, the director of the upcoming adaptation of the cult Japanese series that sees a prince amassing giant piles of garbage on Earth to help recreate the universe. “Well, this was the opposite of that. We figured out right away that there was one guy that could really bring to life a rolling ball of trash that shows no signs of slowing down. Needless to say, he jumped at the chance to appear in the movie. It was a little tricky keeping him focused on the movie because he kept trying to break up SAG during filming, not to mention he tried to get us to pay him in horses, but I think the results will speak for themselves!”
“It’s always cool to have someone who works as a method actor by accident,” he added.
Musk was unsurprised by his newfound leading man status.
“When you’re this charismatic and have this impeccable sense of humor, Hollywood leading man status is pretty much inevitable,” said Musk, 51, alone on a yacht with no discernable joy on his face. “I always knew it would happen. Frankly, I thought I would have my breakout role sooner. And I thought less people would think I was an absolute parasite of the highest order. It’s been a weird, strange journey. Just like that one to Mars that we are absolutely going to take one day. You just watch.”
Many fans of the series had mixed feelings about the surprise announcement.
“I guess I understand that it might help the movie appeal to some more people,” said Carmen Watson, a Katamari fan, who objected to the casting of Musk. “But, do you even need to cast a growing ball of garbage as a person? Some video effects worker is going to do all of the true creative work on this project but Musk will still get to brag about what a good job he’s done. It’s complete bullshit and too many people are going to fall for it. At least it’s not Chris Pratt, I guess.”
As of press time, the Katamari movie will probably never come out if we’re being honest.
In 1951, some unspectacular guy in an unspectacular movie let out a shrill-ass yelp and generations of nerds decided to turn it into everyone’s problem. This became known as the notorious Wilhelm Scream and it’s been a bad penny ever since. It’s a wink and a nod that film dorks love to point at and feel like they’ve caught something everyone else didn’t. But everyone did get it. At this stage in cinematic history, it’s impossible to not get. They just don’t care like the normal people they are. It’s like pointing out that a Wendy’s beef patty is square, or the hidden Mickeys at Disneyland. That’s awesome man, very cool. Moving on.
Now, is it the worst thing in the world? Absolutely not. Am I hamming it up to make a point? You bet your ass. However, no matter how indifferent, ineffectual and passive the Wilhelm scream has become, in recent years we’ve been introduced to its way cooler cousin. A cousin that rides a motorcycle:
The Akira bike slide.
With the recent homage made to the famous scene in Jordan Peele’s blockbuster Nope, attention around the bike slide has resurged. Fans have been reminiscing about their favorite instances of the iconic image in everything from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to No More Heroes 3. But with a litany of these references, shouldn’t it be a tired bit? Not a fuckin’ chance, bucko.
What makes the Akira bike slide so special is that it isn’t in abundance; It’s precisely the inverse of what’s made the Wilhelm scream so bland. It has the good fortune of being doled out in moderation, as if there’s a maximum annual quota to be met. What’s even better is that it’s not limited to a niche. Akira’s influence is far more widespread than most likely even realize (Peele himself has cited it as one of his favorite films on several occasions, even being in talks at one time to direct a western adaptation). That’s just it, too. When you see the bike slide, it not only provides an insight to the responsible party’s taste, but if you also share a love of Katsuhiro Ôtomo’s most celebrated work — it feels special.
It’s also just cool as hell. If some guy does a goofy scream in a movie and you don’t know what it’s a reference to, it just sounds like a bad vocal effect. But if you’ve never been forced by your weeb friend to watch Akira, and you see Kanada’s iconic slide recreated somewhere else, you’re like, “Damn! That was a dope move!”
Nobody is sneaking in the Wilhelm scream because Raoul Walsh’s Distant Drums had a profound impact on them. It’s because it’s something they think they should do, an obligation of the auteur. It’s the difference between an uncomfortable shoulder jab from some geek going “Didja see? Didya get it?” and an old friend throwing you a dap.
In conclusion, referencing media in other media is always a dicey game. Subtlety, nuance, and thematic relevance are always at play. But one thing is for sure, and that’s that a character doing a sick-ass hockey stop on a chopper escaping some bad guys will always rock and never get old. It will in no way, shape, or form be lost to time and become a fridge magnet of cinema. Right?
Manyhaveattempted to edge in on the kart-racing genre that Mario and his friends defined, putting their beloved mascot characters behind the wheel and seeing them race around in circles, but few have succeeded in being little more than pathetic imitations. Mario may still be the King of Kart, but when Nintendo and Rare were nearly inseparable, they perfected the formula with Diddy Kong Racing, which had a wider variety of characters, courses, and vehicles. But most of all: it had a fucking Adventure Mode, with an actual story! At the risk of sounding like some kind of weirdo — Nintendo, we need a story mode in Mario Kart 9.
Following up from the wild success of Mario Kart 64, Diddy Kong Racing had to stand out on its own, and in doing so, added a number of new features including an adventure mode with an explorable hub world à la Super Mario 64. Complete with hidden secrets to find, bosses to fight, and special challenges to play, it was a breath of fresh air after spending countless hours going around and around Luigi’s Raceway in Mario Kart 64 with your friends (if you were lucky). You’d think after how good of a concept this was that Nintendo would take the idea and run (race?) with it, but nope, Mario’s just gonna do what he does best. Though there may be a reason behind this, and I blame Microsoft.
Pure adventure mode bliss.
No I’m not some bitter fanboy, this is truly all Microsoft’s fault. Before the GameCube was released, Rare revealed a teaser trailer to a follow-up game tentatively titled Donkey Kong Racing. The brief glimpse showed new characters, additional vehicles, and more. Shortly after the GameCube was released, however, Rare was acquired by Microsoft, and the game was banished to the depths of development hell. While Nintendo kept custody of Donkey Kong and his Kong brethren, the game itself was Rare’s, and all was left behind so Rare could focus on Viva Piñata or something. So basically I’m really gonna need Mario to pick up the slack here.
Will there be a new Mario Kart game on the Switch? Hard to say. Will there be a new Mario Kart game on whatever the next Switch is called? The… Super Switch? Yes, absolutely. Wherever it happens, Nintendo needs to up the ante after Mario Kart 8, which is the most popular game on one of the most popular consoles ever — and it’s a port from a previous system! Don’t tell anyone I double-dipped.
Everyone knows exactly what to expect from Mario Kart now, and that ain’t good, especially in the eyes of Nintendo who feels the need to innovate on ideas that may feel trite or stale. We got a tiny taste of this in Mario Kart DS, which included mission modes and boss fights — something to shake it up from just racing on the same 4-track grand prixs and the general monotony of my everyday life. But they haven’t changed it up since. Dare I say, at the risk of sounding like some kind of freak: this is where a story mode would help.
A taste of freedom.
Presentation can really go a long way, and something like a hub world or an area to explore may sound fucking stupid on paper, but it’s little moments like that which make games truly memorable. Diddy Kong Racing still had a versus mode just like Mario Kart, but it also had the “more” factor. The villain of Adventure Mode, Wizpig, has probably given me some mild form of PTSD, but hey at least I had a memorable experience. We need something just as traumatizing and/or memorable for Mario Kart 9, or whatever they decide to call it. Super Smash Bros.Brawl had a story mode — all those dope cutscenes from The Subspace Emissary may have even made tripping worth it — but Nintendo later opted to majorly strip it down for future games, which is also a shame.
The open-world sandbox format of games like Super Mario Odyssey and Bowser’s Fury have been a hit, so imagine racing your character around a large map where you can find secret raceways, hidden characters, and boss fights that are too big to fit into a simple race course. Is anyone else getting goosebumps? Just me? OK.
It’s not too late, Nintendo. You’re going to keep making Mario Kart games forever, because you have to. If you stopped, it would cause a great unbalancing of the universe, a shaking of the cosmic system that keeps our checks and balances in place. So if you’re forced to continue making these games as some form of ironic punishment for success, well, you might as well make ‘em interesting! No one is going to necessarily complain if you just add new courses and a few new characters each time, but someday, honest citizens are going to stand up and say: we want more. Today is that day, and I am that honest citizen. Give Mario Kart 9 a story mode, and please vouch for me that I am not some weird manchild for thinking about this so much.
After that, who knows what we can accomplish? Maybe a Pokémon game that looks like it was made in the year it came out.
MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Mysterious tragedy ensued today when famed kart racer Koopa Troopa woke up today after a hazy night of drunk driving to find a bloody Luigi cap in the grill of his kart.
“Just let me think, JUST LET ME FUCKING THINK,” panicked Koopa Troopa, fishing the ominous red-splattered cap from the front of the go-kart. “Okay, okay, um, this is bad. I don’t even remember anything about last night. I had some drinks with the other racers after our big Grand Prix, but I don’t recall getting home. Oh, God. I fucked up. I fucked up, man. It’s okay, I’m gonna be fine. I have to get rid of this thing and try to retrace my steps. Besides, I’m a celebrity. A Mario Kart fucking Racer. I can beat this, just have to get my story straight.”
Koopa Troopa’s racing peer Shy Guy was reportedly seen riding home in the passenger seat before the incident.
“I tried to take his keys but he was relentless, he threatened me,” Shy Guy said. “I’m bad at confrontation so I let him get behind the wheel, whatever we did I’m partially responsible.”
Mario Mario, another local go-karting personality, expressed a separate familial concern.
“My brother, he didn’t come-a home last night,” trembled Mario. “I’m-a scared, he never does this. He said he was gonna walk home but I woke up and he’s not-a here. I’m sure he’s-a just out golfing or playing baseball.”
At press time, horrified onlookers reported seeing a bloated, overalls-clad corpse be pulled out of the coast of Cheep Cheep Beach by Lakitu.
