Alexmcmillan, Author at Hard Drive

Dead Space Remake Level 6 Suit Upgrade Guide: How to Unlock

Posted on January 27, 2023 by Alex Branagan

Dead Space Remake, while being a from-the-ground-up remake of the original 2008 game, has taken a look back at its progenitor and faithfully recreated one of its ultimate unlockables: the Level 6 Suit, along with some embellishments on the original design. The Level 6 suit is the strongest armor available in the Remake and provides Isaac with a whopping 30% armor stat, a 10% increase from the previous advanced engineer’s Level 5 suit and comes in the style of the EDF troopers you’ll remember from Chapter 9’s mission aboard the Valor.

Dead Space Remake: How to Unlock the Level 6 EDF Suit

If you’re looking for the best armor Dead Space Remake has to offer, then the final Level 6 suit upgrade for Isaac will take some effort to acquire, a whole playthrough’s worth of effort. The level 6 suit isn’t available during a first playthrough and requires the player to reach New Game Plus, it’s not immediately given to you, however.

To unlock the Level 6 EDF suit, do the following:

Beat the Game on any difficulty.
- New Game Plus will unlock along with some credits as a reward to take into the next playthrough.
From the Main Menu, choose the New Game + option below New Game, and begin the game anew on any difficulty.
Follow the beginning of Chapter 1, right until you arrive at the game’s first Store, in the Hangar Deck’s Tram Control area.
Interact with the shop, you’ll get all your previous gear back and see that the EDF RIG is now available for purchase.
Purchase the Level 6 suit for $99,000.

That’s it. Just a quick, near-naked stint through the game’s opening again and you’ll be rewarded with the best armor available. For more Dead Space guides, check out where to find all seven pesky crew rigs for the Master Override permissions.

Dead Space Remake Master Override Guide: Crew Rig Locations

Posted on January 27, 2023 by Alex Branagan

Dead Space Remake has looked back on its 2008 origins and innovated beyond them, introducing a slew of fresh content not seen in the original game, including Security Clearance levels and the chance to unlock Master Override chest permissions. While entirely optional, completing the You Are Not Authorised questline will grant Isaac access to powerful weapon upgrade schematics that are otherwise inaccessible. Completing this quest, though, will require to find all of the Dead Space rig locations.

Dead Space Master Override: Where to Find Every Crew Rig

To start the quest, check the console on the right-hand side of the window in the Captain’s Nest located on the Bridge when meeting Hammond in Chapter 4. Below, you’ll find a list of each of the seven Ishimura crew rigs you’ll need to unlock the Master Override security clearance and allow yourself full freedom within the ship.

Voelker’s Rig Location

First up is Voelker’s rig, which you might have already found prior to starting the quest, you can find it in the oxygen-deprived Hangar where Hammond previously switched off the gravity back in Chapter 2. Head right to the back and look for the Cargo Arrival sign on the far left, you’ll see the rig on the floor.

Dead Space Remake Master Override: White’s Rig Location

Next is Officer White’s rig, which you can acquire as early as Chapter 4 while calibrating the ADS cannons. If you boost all the way to the end of the trench, you’ll see a body just past the third cannon, on the left-hand side. White’s rig is now yours.

Holt’s Rig Location

Lt. Commander Holt’s rig is available in Hydroponics once Chapter 6 but requires a little bit of finessing. As you enter the East Grow Chamber from Hydroponics Control on Floor 3, look to your left. You’ll see a glowing Necromorph mass connected to a tendril. Shooting it will cause the tendril to burst and reveal a second growth, blast this also and then shoot the third that appears.

Once all three are shot and dealt with, Holt’s rig will be revealed on the left side of the upper walkway.

Dallas’ Rig Location: Dead Space Master Override Guide

If you’ve missed each of the past few and are already in Chapter 7, the rig belonging to Mining Supervisor Dallas should the hardest to miss. When locating the SOS beacon down in Processing, you’ll need to destroy four boulders in the main processing room using kinesis.

This will then unlock the room with both the SOS beacon and Dallas’ rig conveniently placed in the center of the room and will net you Security Clearance level 3 too.

Dead Space Remake: Rossaeu’s Rig Location

You’ll need the previous rig from Dallas to get Chief Engineer Rousseau’s back piece, due to Security Clearance level 3 being necessary to access the room it’s located in. Head to Engineering’s Control Room, then through the large hatch, and make your way back to where you got the flamethrower. Follow the corridor down to the main area and check the right-hand side for the level 3 door, you’ll find Rousseau’s rig within.

Bailey’s Rig

Comms Officer Bailey is located in Chapter 8 right before you mend the Comms Array up on the Bridge. Take the elevator from the Bridge Atrium and follow the corridor into the main Control Room for Communications, Bailey’s office is on the left. You’ll find Bailey’s body and his rig inside.

Benson’s Rig – All Dead Space Rig Locations

Tram Supervisor Benson’s rig is the last available, only once you’ve completed Chapter 9 and returned from the Valor in one piece. The Crew Quarters will be opened up on the Bridge deck, and conveniently you’re asked to make your way there by Daniels via a newly unlocked entrance. Follow the corridor and head down the stairs into the Tramway and then straight to the back of the tunnel. You’ll find Benson’s severed arm and rig laying there.

Back to the Captain’s Nest

With all seven rigs gathered, head back to the Captain’s Nest in the Bridge and interact with the console to generate Isaac’s Master Override privileges. You’ll now have access to all Master Override locked doors and crates, the latter containing the final upgrade schematics for your guns. For more Dead Space Remake guides, check out how to get the Level 6 suit.

Hi-Fi Rush Voice Actors: The Complete Cast of Characters

Posted on January 27, 2023 by Richard Tammaro

Hi-Fi Rush was announced at the Xbox Developer_Direct event and immediately shadow dropped on Xbox, Windows, and Game Pass on January 25th, 2023. Developed by Tango Gameworks, the developers behind The Evil Within franchise, Hi-Fi Rush is a refreshing and colorful break from the horror/creepiness that the studio is known for. But aside from the vibrant world Hi-Fi Rush features a stacked cast known throughout video games. Here is a breakdown of the entire cast of Hi-Fi Rush voice actors.

Hi-Fi Rush Voice Actors – Complete Cast

Director John Johanas confirmed via his Twitter the complete voice cast for the game:

Robbie Daymond – Chai
Erica Lindbeck – Peppermint
Sunil Malhotra – CNMN
Gabe Kunda – Macaron
Sarah Elmaleh – Korsica
Camilla Arfwedson – Mimosa
Misty Lee – Rekka
Todd Haberkorn – Zanzo
Roger Craig Smith – Kale Vandelay
David Fayne – Roquefort

Robbie Daymond – Chai

Chai is the main protagonist and aspiring rockstar, who the players control throughout this musically-inspired adventure.

Voice actor Robbie Daymond is best known in the video game world as the English voice of Goro Akechi/Crow from Persona 5 Royal and River Ward from Cyberpunk 2077. Anime fans may also recognize him from some of his roles in uber-popular shows like Sailor Moon and Attack on Titan.

Erica Lindbeck – Peppermint

Peppermint is Chai’s first and closest ally, as well as the character doling out sweet upgrades throughout the game.

The bulk of Erica Lindbeck’s work can be across many acclaimed games, including 2018’s Spider-Man as Black Cat, and the English versions of Ceclia and Futaba Sakura from the Fire Emblem (most recently in Fire Emblem Engage) and Persona franchises respectively. Also, Erica’s voice can be chosen as one of the voices (Player Voice 2) for the main protagonist of 2022’s Saints Row reboot.

Sunil Malhotra – CNMN

CNMN, pronounced cinnamon, is a robot constructed by Macaron. This robot is blunt, as its purpose seems to be analyzing individuals and performing “personality tests”. It has no issues with calling out Peppermint’s hot-headedness, nor Chai’s naiveté.

CNMN is voiced by Sunil Malhotra, whose voice should be instantly recognizable to Xbox fans. Arguably, Sunil’s largest role in gaming is his voice acting for Jun, the sniper for Noble Team in Halo: Reach. Outside of the Xbox exclusive sphere, he was also the voice of Kung Lao in Mortal Kombat 11.

Gabe Kunda – Macaron

Macaron is another one of Chai’s allies and a former member of the Vandelay company. Despite his large size difference to mostly anything else in the game, Macaron would rather use his brain to solve problems and opts for non-violence whenever possible.

Gabe Kunda is perhaps best known for his role as KAY/o in Riot Games’ tactical multiplayer fps, Valorant. Additionally, he is listed for English dubs of minor/side characters in many popular series like Fisher Tiger in One Piece and Rock Lock in My Hero Academia among other animated roles.

Sarah Elmaleh – Korsica

Korsica is the leader of Vandelay’s Security team; however, she is quick to turn on the company and join Chai’s team. She is pragmatic and looks to get the job done right, the first time.

Sarah Elmaleh’s credits include voicing the Despondent Pyre in Halo Infinite. She has also voiced a number of additional voices roles in God of War Ragnarok and The Last of Us franchise.

Camilla Arfwedson – Mimosa

Mimosa is the leader of the Marketing team and has a bone to pick with Chai. Mimosa has methodically planned the perfect launch for Vandelay and Chai’s meddling, plus the fact that he is a defect, could completely ruin her scheme.

Mimosa is voiced by Camilla Arfwedson, who has mostly featured in minor and one-off roles on The Lincoln Lawyer and MacGyver tv series. Her credits also include a number of direct to tv movies, making Hi-Fi Rush her first video game role.

Misty Lee – Rekka

Rekka is the leader of Production at Vandelay and one of the first bosses of the game. Her character is built around the stereotypical over-the-type attitude and archetype of professional wrestlers. She even wears a golden belt engraved with the word “BOSS”, obviously inspired by titles you would see in WWE.

Misty Lee has an extensive list of roles in video game voice acting, spanning almost 20 years. This includes credits in the original release of World of Warcraft in 2004. More recently, Misty has featured in several highly-acclaimed titles including as Sigrun in God of War Ragnarok and as Trudi in Ratchet and Clank: Rift Apart.

Todd Haberkorn – Zanzo

Zanzo is the loony leader of Vandelay’s Research and Development department. His experiments and creations are over the top and often impractical, not to mention over-budget. Some features of the characters design, as well as, its name seem to reference Hanzo and Genji from Overwatch.

Todd Haberkorn has appeared in minor roles across a number of anime series, performing English dubs for JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Bleach, Full Metal Alchemist, and more. Gamers are more likely to recognize him as Razor in Genshin Impact or the Gambit aficionado The Drifter in Destiny 2, as well as a number of other voices in Bugsnax, Ghost of Tsushima, the Sackboy franchise, and the list goes on.

Roger Craig Smith – Kale Vandelay

Kale Vandelay is the Head of the Vandelay company and is the main antagonist of the game. His early interactions with Chai don’t give off the maniacal villain you may expect, but rather shows a corporate boss willing to do anything for profits.

Probably the most well-known casting on this entire list, Roger Craig Smith is a voice actor who voices the main villain of Hi-Fi Rush. It would probably be easier to list the games Roger hasn’t had a role in, but here is a small snippet of his career so far: Ezio in the Assassin’s Creed franchise, Batman in the Batman Arkham franchise, iconic video game character Sonic the Hedgehog, and many many more. And this doesn’t even get into his many animated roles, including Claggor in Arcane and certain animated iterations of Captain America.

David Fane – Roquefort

Roquefort is the Head of Finance at Vandelay. Throughout the game, he can be seen bumping heads with the other leaders of Vandelay, especially Zanzo, whose spending is a bit out of control.

David Fane voices Roquefort in what is his first video game casting, despite having a career in television since the early 90s. David has appeared in a number of tv series and tv movies, including award winning series The Strip. He is also currently cast in a role for Taika Waititi’s, Next Goal Wins, which is expected to release in mid-2023.

Alamo Drafthouse Announces You Can Talk During the Movie If It Really Sucks Ass

Posted on January 26, 2023 by Seth Finkelstein

AUSTIN, Texas — Cinema chain Alamo Drafthouse announced a change to their restrictive in-theater policies today, revealing that patrons will no longer be removed from the theater for talking or texting if the movie they’re watching is a massive piece of shit.

“We here at Alamo Drafthouse are firm believers in the power of the moviegoing experience. There’s nothing like the moment when the projector turns on and we can lose ourselves in the big screen,” said Founder and Executive Chairman Tim League in a press release. “However, have you looked at some of the shit they’re shoving down our throats these days? I mean, Jesus Christ, like every other movie sucks. I know it. You know it. Let’s stop pretending.”

The new changes were met positively by moviegoers, who appreciated the newfound freedom to chat amongst themselves during a steaming pile of dogshit without fear of being ejected from the theater.

“I love coming to the Alamo because I know that I’m not going to be annoyed by someone on their phone or asking their partner questions about the movie every five minutes during the movie,” said film fan David Bishop as they unknowingly purchased $85 of food and beverages before a recent screening of Women Talking. “But look, Do you know how hard it was for me to bite my tongue during The Whale? Goddamn, that movie was absolute garbage.”

League hopes that the new changes will broaden Alamo Drafthouse’s appeal from hardcore movie fans to those who haven’t been back to the theater since the pandemic, or those who are just sick of looking at the same four fucking walls all day.

“If you wanna come to one of our 39 locations across the country and talk during a showing of 80 for Brady or Plane, be my guest. We will not bother you. Hell, if you wanna come to a weekday matinee of Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania, we’ll let you live-tweet it. But just remember, if you talk during our brunch screening of The Goonies, you’re outta there.”

At press time, AMC Theaters had just responded to Alamo Drafthouse’s new policy by announcing you can smoke a bowl in the theater before all showings of Avatar: The Way of Water and they won’t do anything about it.

Hiker Accidentally Triggers Boss Fight

Posted on January 26, 2023 by Peter Casciato

IDLEWILD, Calif. — Outdoor enthusiast Jacob Sussman found himself in a world of hurt after accidentally triggering a boss battle while on a day hike in the mountains of California.

“I’ve been grinding out rabbit encounters for the last six months, so I’m super confident,” Sussman was heard saying to friends before the hike. “Plus I have this walking stick that gives me +5 to melee, and +10 to stability, so I’m ready for anything the mountain can throw at me. Worst comes to worst, I just run to the nearest campfire and I’ll be totally fine.”

Sources close to the information confirmed, however, that Sussman was clearly not ready for the area’s final boss.

“That’s a really tough encounter — I don’t fancy his odds,” said level 34 Park Ranger Josh Skiba. “The bear boss is particularly brutal. Almost none of his moves are parryable, the slope of his arena makes dodge rolls ineffective, and he inflicts a huge amount of bleed damage. Most hikers are just looking to go on a nice walk to exercise or impress someone on a sporty date; they’re not trying to melee down the health of a massive bear with just their fists or walking stick.”

“Everyone who works at the park is equipped with a bow and arrows exactly for this reason,” Skiba explained. “We’re constantly needing to use ranged attacks to help hikers out of this encounter.”

Skiba went on to say that the boss was known for shredding through low level players who show up under equipped, often still using just the basic REI starting gear.

“At a minimum, you’re gonna need the bear spray item,” said Skiba. “It has an AOE effect that deals huge damage to the boss, and can also one shot the squirrels he might send out to you in waves. Unfortunately, it looks like Jaocb didn’t complete the ‘Visit the local town and buy it’ side quest.”

At press time, Sussman was attempting to cheese the boss using the infamous play dead glitch, which confuses the bosses pathfinding and causes it to drop aggro.

Persona 3 Portable Request 53 Guide: How to Beat The Reaper

Posted on January 26, 2023 by Luca Fisher

Players of Persona 3 Portable will face their toughest challenge yet with Request 53, asking you to defeat the Reaper. That’s right — the dreaded, randomly-spawning boss from every Persona title is back, and meaner than ever. If you want to fight the game’s true secret boss, you’ll have to get through this one first. Let’s get reapin’!

Before The Fight – How to Prepare for Request 53 (Persona 3 Portable)

Do not attempt this fight until you are Level 65-70+. The Reaper will use your brains to paint the walls of Tartarus if your stats aren’t up to snuff. Experienced players can likely handle it closer to 65, while first-timers should wait until 70+. Your mileage may vary. Additionally, make sure you accept the request itself in the Velvet Room! It will become available on 1/1. If you forget to take on the request, the Reaper will not drop the Bloody Button that Theodore and Elizabeth are asking for. You don’t want to fight it twice, so be prepared.

You will also want to bring one of two Personas: Odin, which can be fused once you max out the Emperor Social Link, or Michael, which can be fused after reaching Level 72. Both can learn the skill Thunder Reign (in Michael’s case, inherited from a triple fusion using Odin), which you will need to win. As for party composition, you may want to bring along Akihiko and Aigis, both of whom contribute debuffs and healing skills that are useful.

As for items, there are a few things to keep in mind — Agility, escaping, SP recovery, and immunity to insta-kills. Turn order can make or break this fight, so upgrading your Persona’s Agility is crucial. Do so for your party members’ Personas as well. The fastest ways to pump up that Ag are to buy cards from Shinshoudo Antiques and to play Mole Whackers at Game Panic on days it’s available. Both venues are located in Paulownia Mall. Having turn priority is also why you should have some Trafuri Gems on hand — if the turn order isn’t in your favor, you’ll need to escape and then retry the fight (as it is randomly generated based on stats at the start of every encounter).

Some SP recovery items (Snuff Soul, Chewing Soul, etc) will come in handy for recharging the skills you’ll need to use, should the battle drag on for too long. Be mindful of when you use them, though, because the turn order can make or break this fight. This is also why you should have some Trafuri Gems on hand, as well — if the turn order isn’t just right, you’ll need to run away and then retry the fight.

Lastly, be sure to bring along a few Homunculi, which will protect you from any of the Reaper’s RNG-based insta-kill spells. At least five is a safe bet.

The Armageddon Strategy – How to Beat the Reaper in Persona 3 Portable

If you want to insta-kill the Reaper and be done quickly, you could buy the fusion spell Armageddon from Shinshoudo Antiques at Paulownia Mall. That kind of power costs a pretty penny, though: it’ll run you 99 Malachites and 10 Rubies. Malachite drops often enough that you’ll be swimming in it, but that Ruby is an incredibly rare find, obtainable only via the following measures…

Enemy drops in the fifth or higher blocks of Tartarus; very rare. If you want to grind ’em out, use a Persona with a high Luck stat (which can be boosted with cards from Shinshoudo Antiques). Enemies that drop Rubies include a black lion Shadow called Mighty Beast (Tartarus Floors 165 to 179), a muscular humanoid with two extra arms for nipples and a red mule called Jotun of Blood (180-190), and a cluster of floating eyeballs called Noble Seeker (245 to 261).
Velvet Room Request #71 rewards you with 3 Rubies.
On 11/8, Tanaka’s Amazing Commodities (accessible on Sundays via the TV in Your Room) will sell one Ruby.
On 12/6, Tanaka’s Amazing Commodities will sell two Rubies.

The Thunder Reign Strategy

If you choose to forego the Armageddon hunt, you can fight the Reaper fair and square. Once your party is all set up and you’re raring to go, you can just idle on any one floor of Tartarus for about ten minutes to force the Reaper to spawn. You’ll know its arrival is nigh when Mitsuru/Fuuka gives you a warning message that she can “sense Death”, followed by the creepy rattling of chains. Run right into its rotting arms!

It is imperative that you check the turn order as soon as you start this fight. You can press R1 to see it; you need the Reaper to be going last or second to last, after you and at least two of your party members. If the Reaper takes a turn before you can knock it down, you’re in for a world of hurt. If the turn order isn’t right, you should use a Trafuri Gem to escape from the battle. Repeat until you have the right configuration.

Onto Thunder Reign itself: this is a skill that deals severe Electric damage to a foe, and has the bonus effect of Shocking them (guaranteed, as long as it hits). At the start of the fight, you should use this skill right away; your next party member will then be able to knock the Reaper down with a standard attack, and trigger an All-Out Attack. The next party member can then swing, knock it down, and trigger a second All-Out Attack. However, when your last party member moves right before the Reaper’s turn, you’ll need to cancel the All Out Attack — instead, hit the Reaper with a normal physical attack, which will cause it become Dizzy. Having the Dizzy status will make it skip its next turn. For some sweet extra damage, you may want Akihiko to lower the Reaper’s defense at some point, if you can manage it without getting slaughtered.

Repeat this strategy and whittle the bastard down until it dies. Act quickly and efficiently, and you’ll put the Reaper six feet under, and clear Persona 3 Portable Request 53!

Call of Duty Warzone 2 Airport Tower Guide: Enter Without a Key

Posted on January 26, 2023 by Noah Hunter

If you’ve played Call of Duty Warzone 2 recently, then you might be aware of the crazy glitch that allows you to enter the airport tower without the blacksite key. If you haven’t attempted it yourself, you’ve surely at least seen others do so. We’ve got you covered with all the steps on how to enter and exit the airport tower in Call of Duty Warzone 2!

How to Enter the Airport Tower

To enter the airport tower, you will have to get lucky and properly land on a very specific ledge. After landing here, you’ll need to crouch walk over to the left, and once doing so you will be able to enter the tower. This can take multiple times to get as the ledge it quite tricky, but once understanding the landing spot you should be able to do this each round with ease.

With this spot becoming more and more known, do be aware that it is sort of a race to enter the tower. If you make it in first, you might have to defend yourself with a pistol as others try to enter as well.

What to Do Inside the Airport Tower

Once you enter the tower, go ahead and loot it all! There is at least always $30,000 in cash available here, which means you can easily afford a loadout, regardless of what mode you are playing. One of the boxes to open up is generally upstairs, while the other one can be found on the lower floors. This area is quite large, so be sure to check each room and gather all the resources you can carry.

Once you are able to exit the tower, keep in mind that there is a buy station right next to the tower at all times. So, you should be able to head straight over there and purchase a UAV and a loadout drop with the thousands of dollars in your inventory.

How to Get Out of the Airport Tower – Warzone 2

This is the trickiest part of them all. To exit the airport tower, you must return back to the control room at the very top. Here, you’ll want to look over to the right of where you entered and locate a chair turned facing the wall. Once you locate the chair, you need to head over to it and jump on top of it.

After landing on top of the chair, you will want to sprint and spam jump against the wall directly in front of you. It’s partly luck and partly skill, but once you get the motion down you will glitch up onto the ledge and be able to exit the tower. You’ll need to crouch and head slightly to the left to leave, but only do this if you have looted the entire tower beforehand.

It’s best to practice this before attempting to run this drop with storm close by, as the jump to get out can be really tricky. It’s not too hard to land inside, but getting out can be the death of plenty of players. Additionally, sometimes those who didn’t land inside will camp around the tower or on top of the roof, making it hard to escape with your life.

Looking for more Warzone 2 guides? Check out our helpful Call of Duty best stat tracker guide to find the best stat tracker for the games!

Martin Scorsese Fumbles Through Fortnite Lesson After Mix-Up at Masterclass Recording

Posted on January 25, 2023 by Camden Brazile

SAN FRANCISCO — Director Martin Scorsese debuted a brand new instructional guide hosted by MasterClass today, where he fumbles through a Fortnite lesson seemingly after a mix-up in the recording booth.

“Oh this isn’t — I thought I was, oh nevermind,” stammered a bewildered Scorsese in his new Fortnite Tips and Tricks Masterclass guide. “It seems we’re on a floating school bus, that’s interesting. Oh my, what’s happening now? We’re falling! We’re falling down! Okay this fella has a shotgun, let’s see if he’ll be my friend. Ow, ow! No he will not!”

Masterclass recording technician Moira Gladwell explained that Scorsese was very polite about the confusion.

“We accidentally queued up the completely wrong footage, but he had very limited time and knew that if he called us out we’d be fired, so he just went with it,” Gladwell said. “He didn’t really seem like a Fortnite guy, but he did his best. He explained some of the composition and framing of The Citadel and likened working with Joe Pesci to the cinema equivalent to the ‘double pump strat.’ Real class act.”

Masterclass viewer Alex Jergens claimed the video was shaky but eventually informative.

“About halfway in, he started hitting pro-level flickshots with sniper rifles,” Jergens said. “Although he was clearly pretty lost at first, he had four Victory Royales by the end of the recording. It actually helped a lot, I’ve seen myself get more kills in real time because of Scorsese’s building tips. Guy’s a pro at everything.”

At press time, sources realized another result of the mix-up after a new Masterclass release of Ninja stammering through multiple scenes of Goodfellas.

Egomaniacal Man Attempts to Play God and Build His Own PC

Posted on January 25, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local gamer Seth Reyes attempted to harness the powers of God Himself by building his own computer from scratch, according to those familiar with the situation.

“I tried to warn him — no mere mortal should be granted the ability to breathe life into a PC. Playing God can come with a dangerous toll,” said Reyes’ longtime roommate Cole Brennan. “There are dark scrolls deep within computer forums and Reddit threads that can teach you this power, but they are spells no thoughtful gamer should trifle with. Cooling fans, processors, graphics cards… these are the instruments of those who created the heavens. To laugh in the face of such powers, sewing and stitching the parts of a computer together into a rig powerful enough to play any video game at the highest setting, is the work of demons.”

Despite Brennan’s warnings, Reyes reportedly went through with the treacherous procedure.

“Fools and cowards play games with their pre-built PCs. Who’s to say that only God should have the power to order parts? Why am I considered an ‘egomaniac,’ when it is He who thinks no one else should be able to decide which graphics card to match with which motherboard? Ahaha! The RGB lights will glow gloriously in my bedroom once I have mastered this alchemy that men have yearned for since the dawn of time!” he said, maniacally unpacking various parts he had ordered on the internet. “Once I boot up, I will know… I HAVE CREATED LIFE FROM NOTHING!”

At press time, Reyes’ water-based cooling system burst, somehow filling his apartment with enough water to drown both him and Brennan.

Leonardo DiCaprio’s Pokémon Stop Obeying Him at Level 25

Posted on January 25, 2023 by Naomi Krause

LOS ANGELES — Sources have confirmed that no matter what he does, Leonardo DiCaprio’s Pokémon generally stop obeying him at level 25, much to his confusion.

“It’s the weirdest thing,” said Leonardo DiCaprio, a Pokémon fan who famously has a giant tattoo of Squirtle on his back. “Ever since I started playing these games, no matter what I do, or what type of Pokémon it is, it just stops listening to me entirely at level 25. Doesn’t matter how many gym badges I have or anything, it just keeps saying they’re loafing around or falling asleep. So anyway, I just release them back into the wild. No point in sticking together at that point, right? Onto the next one!”

Game Freak, the developers of the popular RPG series, insisted that this was atypical behavior for the titular creatures.

“Weird, that’s not how it’s supposed to work at all,” said Shigeru Ohmori, director of Pokémon Scarlet & Violet “These games are set up to where you and your Pokémon stay together until the end. There’s not some cutoff where you arbitrarily dismiss them, so long as you build up your friendship levels and continue to defeat gym leaders. Pokémon games are about finding companions to stick with you for your whole journey! Is he playing with a Game Shark or something? Sometimes that can make the games run funny. Either way, we all hope eventually Leo can find the right Pokémon that will see him for the decent guy that he is.”

As of press time, Leonardo DiCaprio was seen unsuccessfully pitching a flummoxed Martin Scorsese a Pokémon Snap movie for the third time.