Forget The Marvel Cinematic Universe — Bring Back The Rare Gaming Universe

For the past 15 years (holy shit has it been that long), the Marvel Cinematic Universe™ has dominated cinemas worldwide. Seeing characters from one property cross over into another seems to cause audiences’ brains to fire off some kind of positive dopamine response. Up until recently, video games rarely capitalized on this idea, outside of a couple very notable exceptions.

Nintendo made the video game crossover mainstream with Super Smash Bros. back in 1999, letting gamers Falcon Punch Jigglypuff in the head for the very first time. More recently, titles like Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl, MultiVersus, and Fraymakers have further cashed in on the idea of the wacky crossover with the whole characters-who-shouldn’t-be-in-a-fighting-game-but-are kind of idea. But what about the original video game crossover event that shook the world to its absolute core?

It’s time to ditch the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and bring back the Rare Gaming Universe. I don’t believe that’s copyrighted (yet!), but I’ve capitalized all the words purely out of respect. Back in the day, it was a complete mindfuck to see a character from one game appear in another. Mario as the referee in Punch-Out? A Yoshi doll in Link’s Awakening? …Kirby in Link’s Awakening? Crossovers were limited to brief easter eggs– mere crumbs, for those of us who desired a world with more. But in 1997, Rare released Diddy Kong Racing.

Insane lore dump.

Diddy Kong Racing is a “racing adventure” game set in the Donkey Kong universe that doesn’t feature Donkey Kong. Groundbreaking. Rare saw this break from the norm as an opportunity to promote some of their upcoming titles: Banjo-Kazooie, and Twelve Tales: Conker 64. There were “rumors” that Tiptup the turtle would also receive his own game, but these were just jokes perpetuated from within Rareware during the early days of the internet. Cheeky blokes.

Obviously the cutesy Conker we see in this game was before Rare got sick of churning out mascot platformers and decided to lampoon them instead in a brave act of self-parody, pivoting Conker to more “M-Rated” shenanigans with Conker’s Bad Fur Day. Regardless, I remember getting Diddy Kong Racing when it came out, and I also remember the insane hype peddled in the pages of Nintendo Power for the upcoming Banjo-Kazooie. Not only was this a racing game that promised to build on Mario Kart 64 (and in some ways it did) but it was also a taste of what could have been.

Video games are art.

Rare is no stranger to playing around with their intellectual properties, much like random toys from a toy box. We all remember turning on “DK Mode” in GoldenEye 007. Or running into our old friend Tiptup in Bubblegloop Swamp once we finally got our hands on Banjo-Kazooie. Or finding out that Cranky Kong is a big fan of Killer Instinct in Donkey Kong Country 2. Even though their games weren’t always tonally consistent, Rare’s gaming lineup felt like a unique ecosystem of its own. They had a lot of fun including references, easter eggs, or full-on crossovers in their games, and I don’t know why we don’t see more of that in general with shared cinematic universes being all the rage these days.

As mentioned before, we obviously have our fair share of “Smash-likes” at this point, but it’s not often that we see characters crossover outside of those, save for a fighting game guest appearance here and there. That’s not to say it doesn’t happen, as our friend Banjo made a cameo in Sonic & Sega All-Stars Racing for… some reason. At the same time, maybe it’s best we don’t open up Pandora’s box, seeing how movies are now dominated almost entirely by shared universes. At the end of the day, I only would trust Rare to do it right.

Not bloody likely.

Ever since Rare got bought out by Microsoft in the early 2000’s, Microsoft apprently instituted a no-fun mandate. And a no-good-game mandate (shots fired). Much of the charm has been lost, or maybe the times, they were a-changing? Mascot platformers fell out of vogue once the 2000’s hit, and Halo perfected the FPS genre. Regardless, it’s hard not to wonder what could have been. Donkey Kong hanging out with Joanna Dark? Conker having a beer with Kazooie? An open-world Tiptup game? In the meantime, at least Sea of Thieves has Jack Sparrow? They really shit the bed there.

Masked, Gun-Wielding Video Game Protagonists Demand Better Working Conditions

SAN FRANCISCO — A collection of masked, gun-wielding video game protagonists have banded together to demand better working conditions, sources have confirmed. 

“We can no longer continue to be the main characters of your exploits without proper healthcare, among other things” said one star of the upcoming Wizard with a Gun, who had his gun out but wasn’t doing anything with it so it was cool. “It’s true that we are heroic and ask for very little in the way of gratitude or compensation, but we do think it’s time that we get some basic stuff covered. Did you know we’re technically independent contractors and we have to pay for our own bullets? It’s time for a change. I had to make this mask myself!” 

Fans of the masked, gun-wielding video game protagonists that banded together to demand better working conditions have largely expressed support for them. 

“I didn’t know it was like that, that’s really fucked up,” said Scott Bivens, a local gamer. “These protagonists put food on [the publisher’s] table, and these fat cats pay them back by turning them loose into these worlds with no weapons, no items, and a very limited moveset to begin with. They’re not equipped to succeed. These guys are the reason our favorite games exist and we can’t even get them decent protective eye wear or anything?” 

Several members of the group of masked, gun-wielding video game protagonists insisted that they’re comfortable with the extreme demands of their job, and they’re merely asking for adequate compensation. 

“We know what we signed up for, this isn’t about that,” said the Gunslinger from Demon Throttle, a throwback NES-style shooter that was released last year. “It’s about maybe getting us a retirement plan or some meal vouchers or something.  They said they’d pay me back for mileage but I haven’t seen a cent, even after I turned in all my gas receipts last year. This job sucks.” 

As of press time, the masked, gun-wielding video game protagonists had issued a series of demands, most notably asking to appear in one fishing game for every two action games they headline.

Hey! This article is sponsored by Devolver Digital! You can wishlist Wizard with a Gun on Steam or you can check out Demon Throttle on the Nintendo Switch to help support these masked, gun-wielding, hat-wearing, video game protagonists fight for a higher wage.

Growing Up: This Man Has Finally Upgraded Decor From a Minecraft Poster to a Framed Minecraft Poster

ST. LOUIS — Saying it was time to grow up, local man Jared Henley finally upgraded his apartment decor from a dingy, thin Minecraft poster on his wall to a pristine, framed Minecraft poster on his wall.

“When I became a man, I put away childish things,” Henley said, admiring his new framed artwork. “I can’t believe how childish and low-class my wall art taste used to be. I just had this pathetic taped-up Minecraft poster from Target. But I’m proud to say that now I’ve matured enough to frame a bespoke Minecraft poster from Etsy, like an adult.”

Henley’s housemate Ryan Feeble said that the new artwork was just the beginning of their extensive redecorating initiative.

“We’re trying to really supe up the entire house,” said. “It’s been very rewarding to see our house transform from looking like some little kids playroom to a confident, adult man’s playroom. We sold our bean bag chairs and bought professional-looking gaming chairs. We even bought some adult coffee table books for our guests to peruse and converse about the beautiful art of Super Mario Galaxy.”

Henley’s mother, Alicia Henley-Frances, said she welcomed the change in her son’s life.

“I’m proud to see Jared finally growing up after all these years,” Henley-Frances said. “He used to have all these sad little toys and knick knacks, but now he tells me he has a  ‘Studio Ghibli’ painting on his wall, which sounds impressive. He even has these tasteful erotic portraits of ‘Mikasa Ackerman,’ who I’m assuming is a foreign model. Very adult!”

At press time, Henley had reportedly improved the overall feng shui of the poster even further by adding two foam diamond swords on either side.

Aunt Enters Heated Battle in Facebook Post Over Order of Operations

MUNCIE, Ind. — Local aunt Linda Benson reportedly took to the Facebook comment section to ruthlessly defend what she believed was the correct order of operations in a math question.

“The answer is 1, any fool knows that. Whoever doesn’t clearly went to public school. Sad!” Benson’s long, ranting post began. “That’s why I send my kids to private school. My niece Megan is turning twelve years old in May. If you would like to see photos of her, on my page are photos of her school play. She was Mr. Mushnik in Little Shop of Horrors Jr. So talented! Plus, she probably knows to do exponents before multiplication. She can do anything she puts her mind to! And she’s very beautiful, she must get that from her aunt. LOL!”

Another commenter, Andy Nicklesby, expressed how he was caught off guard by the aunt’s several unwarranted posts.

“I’m a math teacher, so I just dropped in to explain why the answer was 9, and showed my work. Fifteen minutes later I got a reply from a middle-aged woman I didn’t know lecturing me about vaccinating my kids,” Nicklesby said. “I didn’t reply, I know the internet is like that, but she started messaging me calling me a coward and saying that I should be fired from my job and deported. I’m white and American. Then she invoked Jesus, asking him to save me from my ignorance. To my knowledge, Jesus has yet to reply in the thread.”

The original poster of the Facebook brain teaser claimed he never meant for the conversation to get so heated.

“I just wanted some cheap, easy engagement, but now I have some random Aunt messaging me about the Gospel of Luke in my DMs every day,” said poster Bryan Reenus. “It was supposed to be a quick little post for some people to argue about math, but she derailed it so easily and effortlessly. Honestly, I’m just impressed. Her posts are some of the most uninhibited yet authentic Facebook content I’ve ever seen.”

At press time, sources reported that Linda Benson had just posted a comprehensive, 560-word rant about Jewish people under a sponsored post for Dunkin’ Donuts.

Water-Type Pokémon Looking Forward to Long Journey With Trainer After Beating Fire-Type Gym

ROUTE 21, Kanto — Goldfish Pokémon Seaking, level 38, is excited for its future after helping to defeat Fire-type user Blaine at the Cinnabar Island Gym.

“I was sent directly to Bill’s PC when I was caught back on Route 19, so it was such a thrill to be back in the real world contributing to meaningful battles,” said the Pokémon, who compared the experience of being stored digitally to its worst nightmares of Hell. “My trainer even taught me Surf, an HM move! It feels good to have someone truly believe in me like that.”

Seaking’s trainer Red expressed gratitude for the Pokémon’s efforts at Kanto’s seventh Gym, but refused to speculate about his lineup for any upcoming matches.

“Look, Cinnabar was a great team win,” said Red. “Seaking definitely had a big role in that. Next up, we’ve got the Ground-type gym in Viridian, but after that, it’s the Elite Four. Those guys present all sorts of matchup problems, and I’ve only got six Pokémon slots to work with. I’m going to approach these challenges individually and make decisions that are best for the team.”

Despite lacking any long-term commitment from its trainer, Seaking remained upbeat about its circumstances and prospects.

“Even after the gym victory, this whole experience has been a blast. We’ve been through some more trainer battles and Red actually captured a couple of new teammates! I think I’m really going to enjoy working alongside Staryu and Gyarados.”

Late reports from local sources indicate that Red was seen accessing the PC in the Viridian City Pokémon Center.

New Fitness Boxing 2 DLC Will Show You How to Kill a Guy

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo Switch title Fitness Boxing 2: Rhythm & Exercise announced upcoming downloadable content this week that included new scenery and music to use in work outs, as well as an optional lesson on how to kill a guy. 

“With January upon us, we know that people might be trying out some new fitness routines, and we wanted to give players some fresh content,” said Kenzo Sumioka, President of Imagineer Games. “Also, you never know when you might have to defend yourself beyond what our boxing lessons provide, so you know, we also added a lesson where you beat someone to death.” 

The DLC will be in four separate releases, titled “EDM Workout”, “Rock Workout”, “Nature Stages DLC”, and “Kill A Guy DLC”. 

“Oh neat, I wonder if they’re going to bundle them all together,” asked Allison Ritter, who had recently picked Fitness Boxing 2: Rhythm & Exercise back up for the first time in a while. “Because all of those things sound pretty interesting. I think I’m most interested in the EDM workout and learning how to kill a guy. But I’d definitely check all of them out, for sure.” 

Some of the more graphic content contained in the DLC was displayed in a video posted online earlier today, featuring a female fitness trainer guiding the player through the fatal pummeling of a man for unknown reasons. 

“You’re doing great, now don’t let up!” says the instructor in the footage, before encouraging the player to incorporate any improvised weapons they can find in the immediate area into the simulated beating. “Focus on your abs, and remember, he’d kill you if he could. Don’t forget to breathe! Excellent! Nice punch! Now ask him if he’s got a family!” 

As of press time, the ESRB had changed Fitness Boxing 2: Rhythm & Fitness’ rating from E to M for Mature. 

Snowed-In Gamer’s Routine Affected in No Way

DULUTH, Minn. — A gamer confined to his home due to a record setting blizzard has reported no changes in his day-to-day activity, sources have confirmed. 

“Yeah, just kinda doing the same shit, to be honest,” said local gamer Ray Ferris, after Duluth received a record breaking amount of snow in the last several days. “I have enough Ramen and cereal to last a while, and luckily my internet hasn’t been affected by the storm. And my family all just gets me soda for Christmas now, so I’m all set on drinks for a while. I’m pretty much good, to be honest. Just gonna work on beating Elden Ring again.”

Ferris’ friends and family were relieved to hear he’d been successfully weathering the storm. 

“I reached out to make sure he was okay,” said Anna Washburn, Ray’s sister who resides in Georgia. “And he texted me back emojis of a video game controller, some grass, and the thumbs up sign. God, my brother is so resilient. I would be freaking out at a time like this, but he’s putting on a brave face for all of us. I just hope he’s holding up.” 

Weather experts advised anyone in the immediate vicinity of the severe blizzard to do their best to live like a gamer in the coming days. 

“It might be rough if you’re not used to it, but a gaming lifestyle might be the difference between life or death in some situations,” warned Hal Cronin of the National Weather Service. “In addition to food and water we urge everyone to keep a healthy backlog on hand to work on during any storm, and some beer or weed, if that’s their thing. Oh, and also, don’t just order food delivery until the snow stops. That’s not cool at all.” 

As of press time, Ferris briefly considered getting his mail before ultimately changing his mind, continuing a streak that predated the recent winter storm.

Custom Nintendo Switch Entertainment Center Drifts Into Kitchen

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — A custom Nintendo Switch-themed entertainment center setup that recently went viral online has unfortunately drifted into the owner’s kitchen, sources have confirmed. 

“Well shit, that was fun while it lasted,” said Brian Wainwright, who spent months working on the intricate display. “I spent so much time and money on this thing, I really don’t know if I can afford to fix it so it stops drifting through the walls of my home. Nintendo offered to take a look at it, but the shipping alone on this thing would put me in the poor house. I think I’ll probably just move all of my furniture into the kitchen.” 

“Don’t you think it’s best I moved all my furniture into the kitchen?” he asked. 

The custom configuration, which resembled a giant Switch console and incorporated several other vintage Nintendo systems as well as a large flat screen television, caught the attention of Switch developers, who feared the inevitable outcome. 

“I saw that post last week and I thought it was amazing, but I soon realized, ‘Oh no, that house isn’t ready for the drifting on that thing,’” said Yoshiaki Koizumi, deputy general manager of the Entertainment Planning and Development Division at Nintendo.  “And sure enough, here we are. The giant Switch in the kitchen is one thing, but he needs to be careful that it doesn’t drift through any load bearing walls or else he’ll be in a whole world of shit. Still though, we must applaud him for his accuracy.” 

As of press time, the custom Nintendo Switch-themed entertainment center was gathering dust in the kitchen while everyone played the PS4 instead. 

Hard Drive Reviews: ELDEN RING

Elden Ring — a veritable golden shower of video game splendor. It was 2022’s Game Of The Year according to almost every panel, and is to date one of the biggest games ever made in terms of both scope and sales.

How could we possibly intend to tackle such a big helping of game in just 25 minutes? The answer: with a big mouth.

Hard Drive Reviews is a review series in which we are attempting to review a game whilst also never once using the words “good,” “bad,” or any of either words’ countless synonyms. Should we make such a catastrophic mistake, a lifetime of shame shall befall our families and our children shall be cursed.

“Worst,” “worse,” “better,” and other terms are relative terms by the way! And do not mean “good” or “bad” on their own and are thus fair game. Words with good or bad connotations do not equal words that mean good or bad.

Forspoken Spellcrafting Guide: How to Enhance & Upgrade Spells

To survive in the world of Forspoken, you will need to not only master the use of your spells, but also enhance & upgrade them using spellcrafting. Forspoken is the latest release from Luminous Productions, starring the sarcastic Alfre ‘Frey’ Holland. Armed with a talking vambrace and magical powers, she is set loose in a foreign open world to protect the defenseless and find a way back home to New York.

As you shoot, dodge, and parkour through the wide open landscapes, you’ll find numerous side activities that reward you with gear, materials for upgrades, stat boosts and more. Of course, they don’t come easy, and you’ll have to defeat hordes of ‘broken’ to claim your prizes, making you tougher and stronger. If those rewards aren’t enough to even the playing field against the impending armies of enemies and mutants, you have another card up your sleeve: spellcrafting.

How to Unlock Spellcrafting in Forspoken

How to upgrade spells in Forspoken using spellcrafting.

Spellcrafting is unlocked fairly early into the story. Without spoilers, you’ll have to play through the story until you return to Cipal. After some dramatic events, you’ll be able to enter the archives where you’ll meet Johedy.

 One conversation later and you’ll find a fancy looking bookcase; interact with it to unlock the spellcrafting feature. From this point forward you can find this bookcase in any of the refuges in the world, so you can always pop in to take care of your spellcrafting needs.

What is Spellcrafting?

Spellcrafting is much simpler than it sounds. Put simply, spellcrafting is a system of challenges – one per spell or ability in your skill tree. You’ll want to accept as many as possible (three at a time) and focus on completing them while you’re out clearing other optional areas. They can range from simple goals like “Defeat 3 flying enemies” to more thoughtful tasks like “Hit enemies from behind 15 times.” Either way, most of them shouldn’t require too much effort if you can remain focused on them, at which point you’ll receive your reward! If you’re having trouble gaining progress on a challenge, it’s important to note that you are meant to use the ability that the challenge corresponds to, even if the text doesn’t explicitly tell you to use a specific ability, as in “Defeat 3 flying enemies.”

Spellcrafting Rewards – Forspoken Spellcrafting Guide

All rewards you can get for Forspoken spellcrafting.

The reason you should focus on spellcrafting as soon as possible is because of the rewards you gain. Each time you complete a spellcrafting challenge, you’ll need to enter the Magic menu and redeem the completed challenge to receive a boost to all of your magic in that skill tree. Additionally, you’ll receive a reward based on what the spell or ability actually is. Traversal abilities will grant stamina regeneration, while attack spells or support spells will grant increased damage, effectiveness, or duration. If you’re able to complete every spellcrafting challenge in the tree, your magic power will be much stronger. As you can see, it’s definitely worth going out of your way to complete these, especially if you’re having trouble with enemies.

Looking for guides for other January releases? Check out our Dead Space guides on where to find the Level 6 Suit and all the crew rig locations for the Master Override!

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