The first two weeks with the Resident Evil 4 remake have provided players with plenty to do, from trying harder difficulties to playing around to find the best weapons in the game. Thanks to the new update, there’s even more to do with the long-awaited arrival of The Mercenaries. The minigame mode has a lot of unlocks and one of the last will be for one of the most deadly characters in the franchise’s history. This is how to unlock Hunk in Resident Evil 4 remake Mercenaries.
How to Unlock Hunk in Resident Evil 4 Remake Mercenaries
You’ve probably recognized a pattern here with how to play as more characters in this minigame. After unlocking Luis and then unlocking Krauser, the opportunity to play as Mr. Death himself will be possible. All you have to do is “achieve A rank or above as Krauser on any stage” to make Hunk playable.
How to Achieve an A Rank in The Mercenaries with Krauser
Clearing a stage with an A rank requires a minimum score of 100,000. Although Krauser feels the most different compared to everyone else, there’s a good chance that you’ll be earning A ranks and beyond the easiest with him.
Krauser might seem limited at first, thanks to his unique compound bow and TMP submachine gun seeming like paltry tools. What makes his bow special is that it only shoots explosive arrows that can easily take out large groups of enemies. They take a while to set up, but they’ll explode much more quickly than grenades or even the Bolt Thrower’s attachable mines. His TMP submachine isn’t the strongest, but it will open up enemies for his quick knife attacks as well as melee finishers.
Similar to other characters, you want to use melee attacks and parries to build up your Mayhem Mode bar quickly. Activating it with Krauser will partially transform him for a limited time and cause his arms to mutate into large blades. He moves much slower while it’s active, but his basic combo attacks will easily kill basic enemies with one swipe. A longer-reaching Stinger attack can also be used at the expense of losing time with his transformed state. Prioritize using this when you’re surrounded by a lot of enemies to rack up combos and points fast.
Between his weapons and his Mayhem Ability, Krauser is a menace on any stage. Use both his mutated state and explosive arrows to clear crowds or get yourself out of any sticky situations. If you don’t have access to either, try not to leave yourself surrounded with only the TMP. Once an A rank has been achieved with him, you’ll receive a notification about Hunk being available to play.
Hunk’s Loadout in RE4 Remake Mercenaries
Hunk might be a more difficult character to play for some as he only comes with one gun. What’s unique about him is his neck-snapping headshot melee finisher, which can instantly kill some elite enemies and prevent any Las Plagas transformations. His Mayhem Mode ability is where the fun really begins as it gives him unlimited ammo for its entire duration. There’s no need to reload during this time so just go wild with his LE 5. Here is his loadout:
1x LE 5
1x Boot Knife
3x Hand Grenade
1x First Aid Spray
160x Submachine Gun Ammo
That covers everything you need to know about how to unlock Hunk in Resident Evil 4 remake Mercenaries. His play style is unique, but certainly fun in a challenging way. If you end up enjoying how it feels to have never-ending ammunition, it’s good to remember that you can have infinite ammo weapons in the main story as well.
The latest update for the Resident Evil 4 remake has arrived and it has brought The Mercenaries mode with it. This minigame tasks players with killing a set amount of enemies (150 to be exact) within a time limit. Something unique about it is that other players can be played as well, including villains. Here is how to unlock Krauser in Resident Evil 4 remake’s Mercenaries mode.
How to Unlock Krauser in Resident Evil 4 Remake Mercenaries
If you followed our guide about how to unlock Luis in RE4 The Mercenaries mode, you’ll find a similar process is needed for Krauser. To be more specific, Krauser is the second silhouetted character on the character select screen and you have to “achieve A rank or above as Luis on any stage” to unlock him.
How to Achieve an A Rank in The Mercenaries with Luis
Luis plays differently from Leon and you might need to make a couple of runs before you can earn the minimum 100,000 score needed for an A rank. Both his movements and even his melee animations are on the slower side. Contrasting against this is both his powerful Red9 Pistol and SR M1903 sniper rifle. While this means he isn’t the most equipped for close-range situations, he can easily pick off enemies from mid to long-range.
It’s especially worth shooting enemies in the head for a melee attack instead of shooting them in the legs. The former can result in a wide-reaching melee where Luis swings a large pipe. This attack will hit a lot of nearby enemies as well, killing them early on and making plenty of space.
Melee finishers and parries will also increase how much the minigame-exclusive Mayhem Mode bar fills up. Luis’ Mayhem Mode allows him to set down a bundle of dynamite that will either explode after a certain amount of time or can be detonated early with a well-placed shot. As long as the mode is active, he’ll be able to set another once the previous one has exploded. There’s only so much time to ensure enemies are routed near the dynamite, but it does a lot of damage and has a large blast radius.
Receiving a high score with Luis is possible for any stage, but it’s worth trying him on the Castle or Island stages if you’re having trouble earning an A rank. Both of those stages have more closed-off sections compared to the Village stage, making it easier to take advantage of his Mayhem Mode ability. His slow animations can also leave him open to a chainsaw-wielding Ganado. After you pass a stage with an A rank, a notification will pop up that Krauser has been unlocked.
Krauser’s Loadout in RE4 Remake Mercenaries
Krauser might just play the most distinct compared to the other three characters in RE4 remake’s Mercenaries. His knife attacks are strong and he comes with an exclusive compound bow weapon that shoots explosive arrows. What further sets him apart is his Mayhem Mode ability, which sees him partially mutate his arms into blades. Even though his movement speed tanks, while transformed he’ll easily be able to clear out crowds with a few swipes or charge forward and kill most enemies in front of him. Here is his loadout:
Want to know what’s in the weekly update for GTA V Online without logging-in and getting locked-on and blown up immediately by an annoying kid riding an Oppressor Mk II? Check out everything you need to know about the update below, including discounts, events, and vehicles for sale.
What Time Does The Weekly Update Begin And Reset In GTA Online?
Here are the localized times for you, but keep in mind that over the span of almost a decade on GTA Online, it’s never happened exactly on time in every single session. Give or take a few minutes, up to a half hour.
Time Zone
Begins
Resets
LS Car Meet Series Reset
Hawaii-Aleutian Time [HST] UTC-10
Thursday, April 6th 12AM
Thursday, April 13th 12AM
Everyday 2PM
Alaska Daylight Time [AKDT] UTC-8
Thursday, April 6th 2AM
Thursday, April 13th 2AM
Everyday 4PM
Pacific Daylight Time [PDT] UTC-7
Thursday, April 6th 3AM
Thursday, April 13th 3AM
Everyday 5PM
Mountain Daylight Time [MDT] UTC-6
Thursday, April 6th 4AM
Thursday, April 13th 4AM
Everyday 6PM
Central Daylight Time [CDT] UTC-5
Thursday, April 6th 5AM
Thursday, April 13th 5AM
Everyday 7PM
Eastern Daylight Time [EDT] UTC-4
Thursday, April 6th 6AM
Thursday, April 13th 6AM
Everyday 8PM
Atlantic Daylight Time [ADT] UTC-3
Thursday, April 6th 7AM
Thursday, April 13th 7AM
Everyday 8PM
Brasília Summer Time [BRT] UTC-3
Thursday, April 6th 7AM
Thursday, April 13th 7AM
Everyday 9PM
Greenwich Mean Time [GMT] UTC+0
Thursday, April 6th 10AM
Thursday, April 13th 10AM
Everyday 12AM
Central European Summer Time [CEST] UTC+2
Thursday, April 6th 12PM
Thursday, April 13th 12PM
Everyday 2AM
Eastern European Summer Time [EEST] UTC+3
Thursday, April 6th 1PM
Thursday, April 13th 1PM
Everyday 3AM
Moscow Standard Time [MSK] UTC+3
Thursday, April 6th 1PM
Thursday, April 13th 1PM
Everyday 3AM
Gulf Standard Time [GST] UTC+4
Thursday, April 6th 2PM
Thursday, April 13th 2PM
Everyday 4AM
Indian Standard Time [IST] UTC+5.5
Thursday, April 6th 3:30PM
Thursday, April 13th 3:30PM
Everyday 5:30AM
China Standard Time [CST] UTC+8
Thursday, April 6th 6PM
Thursday, April 13th 6PM
Everyday 8AM
Japan Standard Time [JST] UTC+9
Thursday, April 6th 7PM
Thursday, April 13th 7PM
Everyday 9AM
Australian Eastern Standard Time [AEST] UTC+10
Thursday, April 6th 8PM
Thursday, April 13th 8PM
Everyday 10AM
New Zealand Daylight Time [NZST] UTC+12
Thursday, April 6th 10PM
Thursday, April 13th 10PM
Everyday 12PM
What Is The Seasonal Special Event In GTA Online This Week?
Peyote Plants, not seen since the GTA Online Halloween 2022 Special Event, are back in celebration of Easter 2023. In celebration of Easter, each of these plants will now transform you into a rabbit. Check out our guide on these GTA 5 Online Peyote Plant locations!
What Are The 2x GTA$ & RP Events In GTA Online This Week?
The ‘Bunker Series’ which are Adversary Modes set inside the Bunker interior and were added with the Gunrunning Update in 2017.
The 7 Bunker-themed Adversary Mode Jobs are:
Bunker – Every Bullet Counts
Bunker – Juggernaut
Bunker – Kill Quota
Bunker – Resurrection
Bunker – Slasher
Bunker – Till Death Do Us Part
Bunker – Trading Places
And the Power Mad Adversary Mode that pits two teams against each other over a Juggernaut powerup.
What Are The 1.5x GTA$ & RP Events In GTA Online This Week?
Bunker Sell Missions where players must stockpile and then offload supplies at their highest possible value, now has its profits bolstered by 50% for this week only. Further enhanced by 50% quicker Stock Production and Research Speed.
What Is Discounted In GTA V Online This Week? (April 6 Weekly Update)
The 11 Bunker Property Locations in GTA V Online are discounted by 30% in this weekly update, and are necessary for performing Gunrunning tasks. Here’s a list of all the discounted prices:
Paleto Forest Bunker: $815,000
Raton Canyon Bunker: $1,015,000
Lago Zancudo Bunker: $1.085,000
Chumash Bunker: $1,155,000
Grapeseed Bunker: $1,225,000
Route 68 Bunker: $1,365,000
Grand Senora Oilfields Bunker: $1,424,500
Smoke Tree Road Bunker: $1,543,500
Thomson Scrapyard Bunker: $1,603,000
Farmhouse Bunker: $1,662,500
Bunker Upgrades and Modifications also receive a 30% haircut. With all locations to the north of the city, and no discernible difference between their interiors, the choice really boils down to personal preference, price, and previously purchased player properties.
Also discounted by 30% for just this week only, is the Mobile Operations Center Trailer, lowering the price from $1.22M to $857K, as well as its two Cab Options:
The JoBuilt Phantom Custom, dropping from $1.22M to $857K
The JoBuilt Hauler Custom, dropping from $1.4M to $980K
The discount also applies to its numerous Upgrades and Modifications.
Three road vehicles are also discounted 30% this week: the Grotti Furia supercar, the Ocelot Ardent sports classic, and the HVY Nightshark off-roader. Find their information in their respective sections below.
What Is Simeon Yetarian Selling At Premium Deluxe Motorsport This Week?
The Ocelot Virtue supercar, one of twelve vehicles upgradeable with Imani Tech. Test drive or buy outright for a mere $2.98M. Sell for $1.78M, and trade for $2.23M, if the fifth and final mission of Last Dose–”BDKD,” has been completed. Can be had for free by simply completing the First Dose and Last Dose mission sets. This free edition comes with a unique Dr. Friedlander livery, but has no sale value, other than for any upgrades installed of course. Also part of the March-April ‘23 bonuses for GTA+ members, but with a different pair of free liveries: Jackal Racing and Ocelot Racing.
The Annis Savestra sports classic, retailing for $990K, and reselling for $594K. Untradeable.
The Vapid GB200 sports car going for $940K, and offloading for $564K. Untradeable.
The Vapid Dominator GTX muscle car purchasable for $725K, and resellable for $435K. Untradeable.
The HVY Nightshark off-roader, currently discounted (30%) to a paltry $871.5K. Sells for 747K, no trades.
What Is Luxury Autos Showroom Selling This Week?
The Grotti Furia supercar discounted (30%) right now for a measly $1.91M, and resells for $1.64M. Trade value of $2.05M is unlocked by completing The Diamond Casino Heist Finale as a leader and utilizing the Furia as the getaway vehicle in the “Big Con: Yung Ancestor” approach. The Ocelot Stromberg sports classic, one of only two submersible cars in GTA Online, for a massive but worthwhile $3.18M. Resells for $1.91M, and trades for $2.39M by completing The Doomsday Heist Setup Mission “Submarine Recon.”
What Is Legendary Motorsport Selling This Week?
The Annis 300R sports car, for a limited time. Sells for $2.07M, and is one of only a dozen cars that are upgradeable with Imani Tech via the Agency Vehicle Workshop. Resell for $1.24M. Previously only available for purchase from December 13th to December 28th, 2022. Can’t be traded.
GTA V Online Weekly Update: Lucky Wheel Podium Vehicle Of The Week
The Lampadati Casco, a two-door sports classic, that normally retails for just over $904K at Legendary Motorsport. It has a sale value of $542,640 (60%), and a discount trade value of 680K (75%), but only upon completion of the Prison Break Station Heist mission, as seen above.
What Is The LS Car Meet Series Prize Ride Of The Week?
The Pfister Comet Safari, a two-door off-road capable sports car, normally sold for $710K by Legendary Motorsport, and resellable for $426K. It has no trade value applicable. To win it, simply place in the top three over three consecutive days, in the LS Car Meet Series. The race day resets at midnight UTC (+0).
Test Rides of the Week (GTA V Online April 6 Weekly Update)
The Ocelot Ardent two-door sports classic that runs for a (30%) discounted $805K this week from Warstock Cache & Carry, and can be resold for $690K. No trades!
The Pfister Comet S2 two-door sports car that can be tuned for drifting by setting a Lowered Vehicle Stance and installing Low Grip Tires at the LS Car Meet. Buy for $1.87M, sell for $1.12M, and trade for $1.4M. As a Los Santos Tuner, the discount trade price will be unlocked randomly, whenever 5 Reputation Levels are achieved.
The Vapid Dominator ASP two-door muscle car that can also be tuned for drifting by setting a Lowered Vehicle Stance and installing Low Grip Tires at the LS Car Meet. Listing for $1.77M, it resells for $1.06M, and trades for $1.33M. As a Los Santos Tuner, the discount trade price will be unlocked randomly, whenever 5 Reputation Levels are achieved.
What Is The Next Gen Exclusive Premium Test Ride Of The Week?
The Imponte Arbiter GT, a muscle car eligible for Hao’s Special Works performance upgrades that are exclusive to Playstation 5 and Xbox Series X|S. Standard rate is $1.58M at Southern San Andreas Super Autos, with the HSW conversion kit running an additional $375K. Resale value is $948K, no trades.
What Is The Hao’s Special Works Time Trial Of The Week?
Pacific Bluffs is this week’s time trial for Hao’s Special Works. Par Times for vehicle Classes are as follows:
Class A: 3:31.000
Class B: 3:46:000
Class C: 3:59:000
As with all Hao’s Special Works content, this premium time trial is exclusive to the next generation consoles: Playstation 5 and Xbox Series X|S.
That’s everything in the update for this week. Happy homing-in on every Oppressor Mk II you see!
HYRULE — Following a lengthy inspection process, a dungeon currently mid-construction was charged with a code violation this week over a lack of spiked surfaces and general shortage of clear and present danger.
“We have a certain set of standards that need to be upheld when it comes to dungeons and dungeon design,” said Mutoh, a local carpenter and building inspector. “There’s a quota in place for a reason — it’s gotta have enough sliding block puzzles, bottomless pits, and spinning platforms where you gotta shoot an arrow and hit a big glowing eye. If you’re gonna build a wall that could be destroyed by bombs, it’s gotta be clearly labeled as such by being a slightly different color. There’s rules for a reason, folks.”
Mutoh and his crew’s hard work hadn’t gone unnoticed, as his client Ganondorf appeared quite pleased.
“I don’t really have the time to dedicate to crafting each dungeon to be difficult enough to stop the hero incarnate,” explained Ganondorf. “So it helps to have an extra set of eyes on things, you know? Make sure there are enough lava pools, mini-boss rooms, or ice puzzles. Everyone hates ice puzzles, which I love about them, on account of being evil. But I really appreciate Mutoh’s hard work, it’s too bad he’ll have to perish when I become the king of this realm.”
Mutoh stated some of his concerns moving forward.
“Apparently they want to strip the whole process down and implement something called ‘’shrines,’” remarked Mutoh. “Said they want to ‘streamline’ things, make it more ‘digestible.’ Well it’s a far cry from our Water Temples or Bottom of the Wells, I can tell you that much. Whole thing just makes me sick.”
At press time, the hero Link had become encumbered with a lengthy trading sidequest that pulled him further and further away from his main adventure.
Welp, it’s another disappointment from Nintendo. It seems like you can set your clocks to the fact that the company simply REFUSES to give more insight into the upcoming The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom game. That’s right: there is not a SINGLE mention of the game’s new mechanics in The Super Mario Bros. Movie released this weekend.
I was promised by my peers on Reddit following intense speculation that Zelda news would definitely appear in the Mario movie and I am sick to my stomach that I had to sit through 90 minutes of Mario and Luigi just dicking around without a second devoted to the biggest game of the year.
Like, okay, I get it. The Super Mario Bros. Movie is going to have a lot of Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Bowser in it. I’m not saying it should be all Zelda. But Nintendo knows it has fans across loads of franchises. So why the heck didn’t the filmmakers throw Zelda fans a bone by dropping a post-credit teaser trailer for Tears of the Kingdom?
Or better yet, have a post-post credits stinger where Doug Bowser introduces TotK’s new mechanics? Or — and this would’ve been sick — have an epilogue with Mario and Luigi playing Tears of the Kingdom on a Switch, resulting in five minutes of exclusive footage you can only see in the Mario movie! The game is coming out in just a month or so; it seems downright idiotic to not use this movie to showcase some of the new features and islands in Nintendo’s biggest new game. We still have NO idea if the game even has dungeons and Nintendo just wasted 90 FREAKING MINUTES on a bunch of Mario bullshit — who, by the way, doesn’t even have a new game coming out.
I’m starting to understand how Metroid fans felt for a few years: straight-up abandoned. Nintendo seriously had the gall to plaster Legend of Zelda series creator Shigeru Miyamoto’s name all over the Mario movie without even referencing LoZ in the film. This is almost as big of a corporate blunder as the Wii U.
I don’t think Nintendo cares about Legend of Zelda fans anymore. A snub as big as not referencing upcoming Zelda games in the massive new Mario movie is not something to be taken lightly. True Zelda fans should not give Nintendo’s cinematic abomination even a minute of their time, let alone the 92 I spent waiting for Hyrule to appear.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go burn every Zelda game Prima guide I’ve ever bought. This is why Sega’s kicking your ass, Nintendo. They know how to treat their fans right.
As a part of the new GTA 5 Online update, Peyote Plants are back, and many players are searching for the location of these easy plants. Luckily, we can help you find any Peyote Plants you’re searching for. Read on to find our map and tips for finding the GTA Online Peyote Plant Locations.
The last time Peyote Plants were available was the Halloween 2022 Special Event. However, they’re now making their return as a part of the Easter 2023 event. Usually, these plants can transform players into a random animal or creature. However, this time around, they have a special Easter twist.
GTA Online Peyote Plant Guide: Where to Find Peyotes
In 2023, there’s a total of 76 Peyote Plants to be found across the map in GTA 5 Online. When getting near one of the Peyotes, you should feel a vibration in your controller (depending on your settings & controller, of course). Typically, when consuming a Peyote Plant, players have a chance to transform into any animal. However, at the time of writing, it seems like players are transforming into rabbits every time as a part of a special Easter event. There’s a chance that players may be able to transform into other animals following Easter, but as of writing, every plant will transform you into a rabbit.
It’s worth noting that the best use of these plants is simply collecting the RP that comes with it. If you want to level up faster in GTA Online, this is the time to do it! These plants reset every 24 hours in-game (around 48 real life minutes). Use this time to keep coming back to those plants and getting more RP! Players have reported being able to gain quite a few levels during Peyote Plant events, so waiting for those new Peyote Plants to spawn is a worthwhile endeavor for sure!
If you’d like a video demonstration of getting the GTA 5 Online Peyote Plants, check out the video below!
Although the Resident Evil 4 remake has added new content, such as with the various requests, the core part of the experience is pretty similar. One memorable part missing was The Mercenaries game mode, but that has now been added as a free update. What’s especially exciting about it this time around is that RE4 Remake‘s Mercenaries added a new character with Luis.
Luis is a fan-favorite character from the original game and he’s received even more love in the remake. His absence in The Mercenaries Mode always felt like a missed opportunity and many were especially hopeful that he would be playable in this version of the mode. Evidently, Capcom knows how to please their fans. This is how to unlock Luis in The Mercenaries mode for Resident Evil 4.
How to Play as Luis in Resident Evil 4 Remake Mercenaries
When you first try out The Mercenaries, your choices will be limited to only the Village stage and Leon as a playable character. While you’ll be able to unlock more stages quickly enough, unlocking the rest of the characters will take a bit of effort. The requirements to unlock them are thankfully easy to understand.
The three locked characters are represented with silhouettes and if you’ve played the story you’ll recognize Luis as the first one. Hovering over his silhouette will give you the straightforward unlock condition to “achieve A rank or above as Leon on any stage.”
How to Achieve an A Rank in The Mercenaries with Leon
Every stage follows the same rank requirements, which are based on your resulting score. In order to pass a stage with an A rank, you’ll have to reach a minimum score of 100,000. You’ll mostly be following the same strategy as any other character: kill all of the enemies within the time limit, build up combos to earn more points, and make sure to hit any time orbs to extend your time.
Leon is the only character to come with three weapons so he’ll feel like he has the most tools at his disposal. Save the Riot Gun for when you’re surrounded or fighting an elite enemy and try to line up as many Ganados as possible to take them all out with a single shot from the Stingray sniper.
Parrying attacks and using melee finishers will also be a vital part of your game plan. Aside from the obvious benefits, in The Mercenaries they’ll also increase the Mayhem Mode bar. Leon’s Mayhem Mode increases his attack power and speed, turning each of his weapons into a powerhouse with a quick fire rate. Take the Riot Gun into a crowd of Ganados when Mayhem is active and you’ll rack up points faster than ever.
Each attempt lasts until you die, time runs out, or you’ve killed a maximum of 150 enemies. The latter is your goal, but you’ll still have a score if you die too. Keep an eye on the clock and make good use of Leon’s Mayhem Mode to earn a high score. Once you pass the stage with a 100,000+ score, you’ll get a notification that Luis has been unlocked.
Luis’ Loadout in RE4 Remake Mercenaries
In Resident Evil 4 Remake Mercenaries, Luis is noticeably slower than Leon, but he makes up for it with power. In Mayhem Mode he can set down bundles of dynamite that prove effective against crowds. They can only be used one at a time and if you fast about it you can set three down before Mayhem Mode runs out. His loadout is as follows:
1x Red9
1x SR M1903
1x Biometric Sensor
1x Boot Knife
1x Flash Grenade
2x First Aid Spray
30x Handgun Bullets
5x Rifle Ammo
That’s how to unlock Luis for The Mercenaries Mode in Resident Evil 4. Have fun with how he plays and make sure to use the Photo Mode to take some one-of-a-kind pictures. If you particularly enjoy his Red9 Pistol, you might be happy to hear that you can find the Red9 Pistol for free in the main story.
RED BANK, Tenn. — Local gamer George Reed is excited to play Nintendo’s latest release, Mario’s Cement Factory 2,which earned an ideal 20 hours on clear-time aggregator HowLongToBeat.
“As a big Cement Factory fan, I was worried there was no way the sequel could live up to the hype and expectations after decades of waiting. Clearly I had nothing to worry about,” said Reed. “Hitting 20 on HLTB proves that Nintendo gave this game the attention and care it deserved, making it neither too long nor too short for the everyday gamer to complete over a long weekend. It’s a dream come true.”
Mario’s Cement Factory 2 is the first game of 2023 to hit the coveted 20-hour mark, which Reed believes puts it in elite company.
“Look, there are some great games and hidden gems in the 30-hour range and beyond, but getting that perfect 20 has put the rest of the industry on notice,” said Reed, who rarely even reads about a game without first checking the score. “When awards season rolls around, there is going to be a clear favorite for Game of the Year. It will go down as an all-time classic.”
Despite Reed’s enthusiasm, his roommate David Wilkins said the game’s HLTB score left him unmoved and unlikely to purchase the new game.
“I’m glad George is excited, but if anything, a score that great is a red flag for me,” said Wilkins while scrolling through beat times. “When a game does that well on HLTB, that just tells me it’s another mass-market people pleaser. I’m sure it’ll sell well and all that, but there’s no way it’s pushing the envelope for the medium. If you ask me, the real shit is in that 10–15 hour range.”
The roommates were able to set aside their differences when discussing Nintendo’s upcoming release, The Super Mario Bros. Movie., agreeing that unless its runtime lands right around a clean 90 minutes, it will likely be another silver screen flop for the video game industry.
NEW YORK — Streaming giant Netflix announced its new slate of Fall projects earlier today, including a new feature film very blatantly ripping off that one idea for a screenplay you, personally, had in like 2015, but failed to ever write or even talk about.
“We’re so excited to announce our next feature film,” said producer Anthony Russo in a press release, “Hard Candy, a riveting action thriller about a grandfather rescuing his grandson from the clutches of terrorists after a coup is staged during a child’s tour of a magical candy factory.”
Despite the obvious connection between the two ideas, critics have somehow yet to announce that this idea is strikingly similar to that one “Die Hard but like it’s Willy Wonka” idea you thought of in the shower a few years back.
“It truly is a novel concept. Like, I’m 100% positive nobody has or could ever have conceived of it before,” touted screenwriter Rhett Reese, probably, taunting you. “Even if by some fluke, some other hack wannabe out there could muster up the moderate, but totally achievable, willpower necessary to bang out a 90 page draft? We’d still do it better. We’re the big shots, we’ve got the money. Who’s gonna stop us!”
Lance Burton, a former friend of yours at the time when the first meager seeds of ideation were planted in your mind, also shared his thoughts on the upcoming blockbuster.
“Wait, yeah, no, I think I remember this now,” mumbled Burton, confused. “Yeah, that’s right. We were all watching Die Hard 2 at my place and you kept talking over it going ‘Bro, just imagine like, Oompa Loompa Hans Gruber. Wouldn’t that be tight? A24 could make it!’ until we all kinda just started staring at our phones and turned it off. Wow, they’re totally ripping you off! I mean, you could never come after them over it legally. All you have is my vague recollection. There’s no proof of concept. You failed to even scribble the logline on a cocktail napkin the way all great writers do. Anyway, good luck, man!”
At press time, it was reported that Hard Candy was coming hot on the heels of another greenlit Netflix film: a hard-boiled tale about an undercover agent in the mob and a police mole trying to identify each other without raising suspicion. This premise is obviously reminiscent of another half-baked kernel you cooked up after your 5th rewatch of The Departed, something you tentatively gave the clever title of Good Cop, Not Cop.
What do gaming’s biggest figures have to say about the saddest moments in video game history? We reached out to these titans to get the scoop!
Tyler “Ninja” Blevins (Streamer)
“When Mario falls down the hole.”
Mr. Beast (YouTuber)
“I’ll never forget the life-changing sadness I felt when that Galaga machine ate my quarter. From then on, I vowed to become rich by exploiting people.”
xQc (Streamer)
“There’s a heart-wrenching part at the end of Spec Ops: The Line where you realize there aren’t any more innocent people you get to shoot.”
Eric Manaheim (Video Game Critic)
“No clue, I’ve never actually played a video game.”
Shigeru Miyamoto (Nintendo)
“Every time I must watch my son Mario shuffle off this mortal coil, I too die a death.”
Gabe Newell (Valve)
“Please, Christ, just leave me alone”
Lachlan (YouTuber)
“I’ll never forget I actually cried when Sephiroth killed Aerith because my Mom and Dad were screaming at each other in the other room”
Your Mom (Parent)
“I shed a tear when Clementine was forced to shoot Lee in season one of the brilliant The Walking Dead Telltale RPG. What? Thought I’d say ‘May-rio’ or something stupid? Fuck you.”
