We Spent 4 Hours With ‘Star Wars: Jedi Survivor’ and It Mostly Just Downloaded

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

It’s been four years since Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order came out, and while the gaming landscape remains largely the same, some key things are different. Notably, we here at Hard Drive have bullshitted a few people into taking us seriously enough to preview games before they come out now! There’s no way it lasts, but for right now it’s pretty awesome, a real dream come true for lifelong gamers like us. 

Having toiled for years on the fringes of the gaming industry, making the occasional rift with a satirical article mistaken for truth or a sophomoric piece about a Nintendo character’s genitals (often complete with pictures), you can imagine our delight when we were invited to preview the new Star Wars game. 

This is where the problems began. I’ve never done one of these things before, and while I knew I only had four hours to spend playing the game, I didn’t really know much else about how this went. They’d have the system set up for me, right? What if they had something all set up for me, and I showed up with a PlayStation in my backpack like a weirdo? I didn’t want to jeopardize our newfound status as esteemed members of the gaming press, so I went to the thing with nothing but a pencil over my ear and a vape pen that made me cough profusely every time I used it in my pocket. 

So I get into the room, and my worst fear is realized; there’s nothing in there to play the game on. Just a chair, a monitor, and a Jar-Jar Binks poster on the wall. I quickly mentioned that I must have forgotten my computer and quickly made my way to the Best Buy I’d noticed across the street upon my arrival and loudly announced my predicament once I’d entered the store. 

Being the lone customer and stating my needs clearly meant I was soon swarmed by a half-dozen employees, outfitting me with a PC, accessories, and warranties like a finely tuned pit crew that’s been waiting for the car to come in all morning. It was a whirlwind, and I was soon back inside the Star Wars building ready to check the game out. 

They said I had from noon to 4:00 with it, and it was still only 12:30, so I thought I’d be in pretty good shape. I installed Windows and Steam and entered the key given to me, when I made the awful realization that I hadn’t purchased a computer with enough memory to download the game. Damn it! I was just going to bring this thing back for a refund after this anyways, why didn’t I just get the most expensive one they had? 

Thinking quickly, I made an excuse about needing to grab a vape pen refill out of my car and ran back to the Best Buy as fast as I could. I also stopped by my car to grab a refill for my vape pen. 

When I arrived back at the Best Buy, winded and disoriented, the employees looked worried, like they’d done something wrong. 

“No, it’s okay everybody,” I announced. “I just need to buy a Hard Drive. Like that website haha.” 

Their confusion deepened. Part of the gaming world my ass. I could tell we still had a ways to go as a publication, but the Star Wars clock was ticking. This was to be a fight for another day, and I made a mental note to come back sometime and show these guys the article I wrote about getting a Megatron toy stuck in my ass. 

I got back to my assigned room with three hours left. “I might still have a shot at this thing,” I said to the Jar-Jar Binks poster I realize now I was mistaking for a person in the corner of my eye. “I might just pull this off.” 

Then I saw the download time. Two and a half hours. Fuuuuuuuuck! 

I went back to the Best Buy to show them that article, about me getting the toy stuck up my ass, but this time I walked in behind a customer that needed to buy a new refrigerator. You should have seen the workers light up. As quickly as that, I’d become old news. On one hand, it was really nice, because I really felt like I’d gotten to know the boys over the course my repeated visits that afternoon. It was nice to see them hooting and hollering and high fiving like that. On the other hand, however, it felt like maybe this whole ‘being taken seriously’ thing just wasn’t going to happen anywhere. I couldn’t even get the boys to look in my direction anymore. 

I figured all I could do was start to carve out a new path, one where we could be respected and taken seriously while still maintaining our artistic integrity that got us this far in the first place. We could be a comedic gaming website with opinions and writers worth taking seriously. And it all stars here, with the first few hours of Star Wars Jedi: Survivor!

Then I was so fucking high I walked the wrong way down the street for like a mile. 

When I got back to the Star Wars building I barely had any time left. I ran around as the guy for a while. It seemed really fun and hard. Oh, I never played Fallen Order, but I think you’re that same guy. I really only got to play it for like, a minute. It comes out later this year, probably. I don’t know. 

Also, they wouldn’t let me return the shit to Best Buy ‘cause it got all rained on. 

 

We Ranked The Tetris Blocks

Posted on by Ryan Fleishman

That’s right, we finally settled the decades-long debate over where Tetris blocks would be placed on a letter-based tier list. I remember when I was a young boy in Soviet Russia playing Tetris with sticks and rocks, and my once-friend Vladimir Valenekovski fought me to the death over which 4-square creation should be placed in S-tier. He was a good man, but I digress.

You may be asking yourself, “what’s the point of ranking the Tetris blocks?” I’ll tell you why – because life is unfair. We live in a capitalist society where blocks are defined by their economic value, and nobody is free from being arbitrarily scaled on a tier list. 

Not all shapes made from four interconnected blocks are created equal, and we aim to find out which Tetris blocks stand above the rest.  We will be considering each block’s aesthetics and utility as we evaluate an objectively correct ranking.

By the way, we know the blocks are called Tetriminos, jackass. So replace that comment correcting us with a comment saying “damn, you guys really know your stuff” since we need the engagement, and move along.

D tier – S-block, Z-block

I don’t know why this Tetris block is a waifu but I hate her, too

I hate these blocks. The S- and Z-blocks are explicitly designed to stick out of your carefully crafted structures like a dickhead. It’s very telling that these blocks are the only ones that will immediately set you up for failure on a blank screen. Even when you have a one-deep gap to plug these abominations in, the rest of the block will sloppily hang out to ruin your vibe. I think it’s telling that the most common use for these blocks is to fix its own gaps. I am placing the S below the Z shape for being a disgusting shade of puke green.

C tier – Square

Woah… It like really makes you think, man….

The Square block, or O-block, represents simple life. It marches to the beat of its own drum, never changing shape no matter how hard you mash the rotate button. I respect that. It has great symmetry, and would easily clean the board if it was the only block in the game. Unfortunately it is not, and you will rarely have a clean two-wide gap to dump this bad boy in. Tetris gamers might place these below the S/Z blocks for gameplay reasons, but I believe the overwhelming symmetry of the square shape places it a step above.

B tier – L-block, P-block

He can fill my gap…

The L- and P-blocks are workhorses of the Tetris world. They come with a convenient one-block offshoot to plug any lone gaps you may have, while the longer side can serve as a makeshift I- piece when you need to clear a couple rows. They may not be symmetrical, but that’s ugly hot in a Timothée Chalamet sort of way. These blocks ooze sex appeal. The feminine P can be seen as some bahama mama bodonkadonks or an absolute dumpy depending on its rotation, while the masculine L looks like a stud with a big schlong. If you look at these blocks and think “damn, those are some sexy pixels,” then YOU’RE the crazy one, not me. 

A Tier – I-block

Hahahaha, I’m losing it!

The big kahuna. I don’t need to explain why the I-block is so valuable. It’s THE piece you need to get Tetris. Dropping this bad boy into your carefully planned stack feels like losing your virginity to your high school love under the starry night sky just outside Albuquerque. The only flaws of the I-block are that it can’t fix up a messy structure and it can blueball you if you get one before your big combo is ready. Visually, this straight, symmetrical block invokes a slender, graceful elegance akin to Kate Moss when it struts into the playing field.The I-block is long, strong, and dare I say… phallic? 

S Tier – T-block

As seen on Oprah!

Oh, my love, the T-block. T is for Tetris, and honestly that should be enough to rank S- tier. But no, the T-block also gets its own, famous technique called the T-spin where true gamers commit advanced wizardry to spirit a T-block into a T shaped hole. But you don’t need a T-shaped hole, no. The T-block excels at plugging any orifice you need to deal with. The T-block is also purple, the color of royalty. I believe the T-block is the sexiest tetrimino, and I’m not alone on this: just look at the front cover of this Tetris-themed smut story on Amazon. See? I told you I wasn’t crazy.

Been Holding Off On Getting A Vasectomy Because You Can’t Conceptualize The Horrors Of Childbirth? Try Bloodborne

Posted on by Cameron Daxon

One is rarely confronted with the consequences of an unexpected pregnancy while playing a video game. But Fromsoft, the acclaimed developers behind Elden Ring, Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice, and Dark Souls, are built differently. Masters of crafting complex role-playing games laced with a creeping sense of existential dread, Fromsoft also makes an excellent case for hesitant men to receive vasectomies in its 2015 PlayStation classic Bloodborne.

At first glance, Bloodborne may seem like merely the Victorian-skinned successor to the medieval-themed Dark Souls series. For the first time in Fromsoft history, players can carry a cane and wear a top hat while they slash beasts to ribbons. To this day, Bloodborne stands out for its distinct art direction and memorable trick weapons, and fans long for a remake, sequel, or just a 60fps update for the PlayStation 5. 

But there’s more to Bloodborne than hacking up werewolves and avoiding the gaze of a Red Lantern. For those who read the item descriptions, and especially for the truly hardcore who manage to rip their way through the excellent The Old Hunters DLC, Bloodborne presents a world where cosmic horror is mixed up with pregnancy, birth, and the horror that accompanies the forced invasion of a uterus. 

Wandering across Yharnam’s bloodstained cobblestones is terrifying enough, and around every corner are Cthulu-esque creepy-crawlies that want nothing more than to rip out the player’s throat or suck out their brain. But after the player has gained enough Insight, one of many obscure currencies they’ll accrue as they hack their way up and down the dingy town, they’ll start hearing the scariest thing of all: a baby’s wail, reverberating through reality. Anyone who has been on a plane with a fussy baby two seats over knows that this single sound is enough to elicit chills, and might be the thing to push nervous men into finally booking their vasectomy. 

While any kind of surgery can be nerve-wracking, there is something about a potential vasectomy that gets men feeling more squeamish than Micolash, Host of the Nightmare when he’s told to stay in one place for more than ten seconds. But nutting up and getting snipped is one of the safest, simplest procedures a man can receive, and is one of the most effective forms of birth control that exists. Do the slick, wriggling snail people in the fishing village call to mind a crawling newborn, and the idea of a brand-new baby freaks you out? A vasectomy is an outpatient procedure that takes less than ten minutes to perform. Does the sight of the Orphan of Kos shrieking and hurling itself through the air remind you that you never want another kid? Vasectomies are often sought out by married couples as a more permanent birth control solution. Did the sight of a bloody, slithering fetus in the basement of a Gothic church send you reeling? Ring your local Planned Parenthood (while they still exist!) and book that consultation today.

Bearing a child can be one of the most terrifying things in a person’s life. Pregnancy can be difficult, especially if it is an unexpected one. And while condoms are an effective way to avoid the stress of an unplanned pregnancy, there is something to be said for feeling completely secure that you won’t be making anyone pregnant when you don’t want to. In the world of Bloodborne, there is the all-encompassing dread that the Great Ones will descend from the moon and impregnate an unsuspecting woman. After a vasectomy procedure, a child-averse player can at least rest easy knowing they won’t do the same.

Bloodborne (and a vasectomy) may be right for you if:

  • You want a faster-paced, more fashionable version of Dark Souls, that places a heavy focus on the pain and fear that often accompanies childbirth
  • The thought of a fetus-inspired boss that literally slings its own placenta at you fills you with revulsion and a desire to put that bastard down, in the ground, for good
  • You don’t mind lying down for a bloody procedure that feels like a dream sequence, where, upon getting up from the table, you’ll have a little trouble finding yourself again until a doll/ nurse gives you a safe place to rest up

Bloodborne (and vasectomies) can be skipped if:

  • A part of you wants to (consensually!) impregnate someone
  • The idea of running down the same paths over and over again without any danger is boring to you
  • You think that aliens bursting forth in a spray of blood and viscera from fertile womb is fine, actually

Bloodborne, and its phenomenal expansion The Old Hunters, are available on the PlayStation 4 and PlayStation 5 exclusively.

MLB The Show 23 Best Batting Stance Guide & How to Change

Posted on by Samuel Moreno

MLB The Show 23 is packed with options to satisfy the dreams of all Baseball simulator fans. Between the different pitching styles and hitting styles, one might think they’re covered. Something that absolutely should not be ignored is the abundant batting stances. For those looking to perform the best with their player, we’ve got you covered with the best batting stance in MLB The Show 23.

How to Change Batting Stance in MLB The Show 23

The first chance you’ll have to change your batting stance is when you first create your player. Of course, it’s possible to change the batting stance afterward along with your player’s appearance and even their animations.

On the main menu you’ll want to go to your profile icon in the top left corner, while in Road to The Show mode you’ll go to the same corner and click on your player’s face. This will take you to the My Ballplayer screen. Scroll down the left side list until you get to Appearance, and then click on the Motions & Sounds button. Click on the following Batting Stance Creator button and you’ll have full control over making your preferred stance.

The Batting Stance option provides over 1000 choices separated into Generic, Current, and Former Players categories. No matter if you’re a Baseball historian or have yet to hit your first home run, you’re certain to find something that speaks to you.

If you want something even more customized, you can tweak each stance further with the various offset and rotation sliders. From the position of the hips to what direction your player’s hand waggles their bat, it’s easy to make something unique and personal.

What is the Best Batting Stance?

The best batting stance in MLB The Show 23.

All of the different batting stances aren’t just for show; try them out during a game and you’ll likely notice a difference in how they swing and make contact with the ball. MLB The Show 23 prides itself on accuracy and you can bet that the stance of a top-of-the-line hitter will have that reflected.

It should go without saying that your mileage may vary on what’s best for you. There are a monumental amount of preset choices and they can even be further tweaked. Much of the community is finding a lot of success using the stances of well-known hitters though. Here are MLB The Show 23‘s best batting stances to up your game:

  • Legendary Stance 7 – A stance based on Barry Bonds, the world record holder for most career home runs (among others), unsurprisingly has a lot of power to it. Try this stance out if you want to ensure more hits leave the park. 
  • Shohei Ohtani – Not every player can excel playing offense and defense, and far fewer can come close to Shohei Ohtani’s records. His stance is unique and will take more time to get a feeling for than most, but you’ll feel like a real pro with power swings once you do.
  • Aaron Judge – He sits at the top of the list for hitters, so it’s no surprise to see him well-represented. His contact is decent, but his challenging stance shines with power swings as well.
  • Mike Trout – Another hitter valued quite highly and one that feels the most balanced from this list. Mike Trout has an easy-to-understand stance to boot, making it a great option to try at first and maybe even one to stick with after.

One of the best batting stances in The Show 23, Mike Trout.

If we had to single out just one, the choice for the best batting stance in MLB The Show 23 would have to go to Mike Trout. It’s a stance well-known by fans and a strong, easy option for new players. We would still recommend spending a few games with each one on the list in case you prefer something different. With so many choices, it’s good to branch out and try different styles.

Embarrassing: Mom Just Walked In During Part of God of War Where You Cry

Posted on by Jon Ruggiero

HUNTINGTON, W.Va. — Disaster struck in a local home as your mother embarrassingly walked in on the exact moment of God Of War: Ragnarok where you cry.

“I haven’t been back here in years, so I didn’t think to remind my mother to knock when she wants to come into my room,” you reportedly said, hurriedly wiping away your tears while still reeling from the awkward timing of the interaction. “She has to realize I’m an adult and I enjoy games with mature content, like a heart-wrenching story of a father dealing with his son growing up too fast for him.”

Sources confirm that your mom could not have walked in at a worse point, stumbling in on the emotional climax of the game almost like she had timed it perfectly.

“Back in high school I remember her barging into my room during the sex minigame from the very beginning of the first God of War. This time she just had to peek in right when Kratos sees his son for the first time after returning from Asgard, and embraces him instead of chastising him…I gotta stop thinking about it or I’m gonna tear up again.”

Your mother was reportedly very surprised by what she had walked in on.

“I thought all these games he plays were filled with violence and nudity,” said your mom, still holding the laundry basket she was carrying when she barged into the room to check if you needed anything washed. “I was just going to tell my son that he needs to take the dog for a walk, and then I see him with a wad of tissues in his hand staring at the screen. I could tell he was embarrassed so I’m just going to pretend I didn’t see anything and not mention it again.”

At press time, Kleinman’s sadness had reportedly turned into fury after having been defeated yet again in the final boss fight.

Nintendo Announces It Will Stop Feeding Yoshi on March 1st, 2024

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

REDMOND, Wash. — Executives at Nintendo have shocked the gaming world by announcing that it will stop feeding the real Yoshi that lives at Nintendo headquarters on March 1st of next year. 

“This wasn’t an easy decision to arrive at, you have to believe us,” said Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser, in a surprise Nintendo Direct that premiered earlier today and bizarrely focused entirely on the scheduled starvation death of the iconic dinosaur mascot that was first introduced in 1991’s Super Mario World. “However, the reality is that Yoshi just isn’t that big of a part of our current vision at Nintendo. Sure, he’s in Smash Bros and whatnot, but that’s about it. We’ve all kind of moved past the need for Yoshi, and we really can’t justify what we spend on his food and treats anymore.” 

Fans were revolted to hear of what they considered an inhumane end to the adorable sidekick’s existence. 

“Do they care at all what the fans will think if they starve Yoshi to death?” asked local gamer Megan Gaines. “I get that moving forward he’s not exactly their hottest property, but a lot of us really like Yoshi. It’s just so cold and selfish to take him away from us like that. I understand if they’re not going to do a sequel to Yoshi’s Crafted World anytime soon, but they shouldn’t kill him. In my opinion, they should not do that.” 

Others, however, saw the justification for the shocking move. 

“It’s a little harsh, but honestly I get it,” said Scott Tarven, a gamer that sympathized with Nintendo’s decision. “Corporations owe us nothing but their continued expansion and profit. If that means killing a cute dinosaur or maintaining an abysmal relationship with your dedicated fans for decades, then so be it. Nintendo isn’t a keeping-Yoshi-alive-company, they’re a for-profit corporation. Their loyalties lie with the shareholders, not with Yoshi and the people that will be sad when he dies.” 

As of press time, Nintendo had refused several prominent offers from animal sanctuaries and wealthy volunteers to adopt and feed Yoshi. 

As Video Game Fans, We Should Know To Ignore The ‘Super Mario Bros Movie’ Reviews

Posted on by Ryan Fleishman

In a tale as old as time, the Super Mario Bros. Movie released today to raucous applause from the audience and middling reviews from film critics. Critics panned the movie for its overt branding and paper-thin story, while moviegoers loved it because it’s fucking Mario. 

It’s a bit of a shame that film critics can’t see why people enjoy the Mario movie, but I never expected people who enjoy watching Tár and The Whale on a Friday night to suddenly pog out of their gourd for a funny video game movie. 

Besides, as certified gamers™ we are used to ignoring bad reviews of our favorite products. Remember when IGN rated God Hand, one of the most revolutionary action games in the medium, 3/10 below Party Babyz? Remember when Videogamedunkey dunked on Octopath Traveler because he couldn’t mash A through combat like a Gears of War QTE? 

Reviews are inherently colored by the reviewers that make them. Videogamedunkey doesn’t like JRPGs, and IGN doesn’t like video games. So when a bunch of film critics say the Mario movie is mid, we need to remember that the movie isn’t objectively 54%: it’s a 54% for people who never heard of Bowser before the movie.

Honestly, are the critics even that wrong? I don’t enjoy the Mario movie for its breathtaking visual effects and riveting storyline; I enjoy it because I recognize Mario from famous games like Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games Tokyo 2020. Do we really need people to acknowledge the Mario movie as a triumph in the medium to enjoy it?

Expecting movie critics to give a 100% to the Super Mario Bros. movie is like expecting Tom Colicchio to give a 100% to a Taco Bell Mexican Pizza. I love that abomination of a food product, but I don’t expect fine dining experts to tell me this sewer slop sandwich is a genius combination of flavors. I eat Mexican Pizza because I like it (and I am poor), and that’s enough for me.

On the bright side, we’ve got some absolute gems of quotes from these film reviews. Variety describes Bowser as “fusion of Lionel Barrymore, the Wayland Flowers puppet Madame, and, a T. Rex plushie made for toddlers,” just in case your geriatric grandpa needed some context before taking the kids out. Telegraph inexplicably describes Princess Peach as “disturbingly botoxed,” I guess since imaginary CGI characters can’t have skin that smooth. Datebook accuses the movie of “feeling like they’re standing to the side and watching someone else play a video game.” I have bad news for you, pal: people donated more money last night to a French-Canadian subhuman speedrunning Minecraft than either of us make in a year.

Love Undercover Boss? Try Pikmin

Posted on by Jon Holmes

Are others always promoted ahead of you, while your hard work has gone unnoticed? Are you but a rodent in this constant rat race that we call life? Do you feel the suffocating hand of capitalism closing around you, while deforestation and gentrification rein eternal in the background? Then Nintendo has made the game just for you.

Your protagonist has crash landed on a planet after colliding with a comet. With the vessel breaking apart as it came down, Captain Olimar must collect the scattered pieces from the wreckage if he has any chance of getting home. But with time ticking he only has 30 days to do so before his life support runs out…

Pikmin is a collect-em-all/adventure game. Intentionally, Olimar himself is only given the single basic attack move to be used as a last resort as the game sees you leading a small army of bug-eyed plant creatures (the “Pikmin” – named after a carrot brand Olimar enjoys back home) who will gather all the ship pieces needed for this marooned space captain to get the heck off the planet.

Pikmin is all about its critters. Whole ecosystems scutter about in gigantic earthy textures, while its animal life dominate to eat, thrive and survive. Nintendo, for all of their recycling (again and again) of winning formulas live and breathe cute character design, with its Pikmin just one more sterling example of many, alongside Olimar as a mash up of Mario and Buzz Lightyear.

The Pikmin themselves – while adorable – give off the senseless conformity of the kind of thing that would grow on food if you left it out too long – while simultaneously the exact kind of creature that would plot and steal said food from the counter if left unattended.

Able to reach 100 Pikmin at a time, you are these multi-colored monsters’ leader. You command the expendable contingent to carry equipment, fight, and ultimately die (with strangely detailed animations seen of Pikmin burning to death in this genuinely treacherous landscape), as you colonize this planet and generally harvest its resources, destroy its infrastructure and kill its livestock for your own personal needs.

As Nintendo perfected the art of doing nothing in Animal Crossing New Horizons recently, Pikmin’s landscapes use a similar kind of natural beauty in its lakes, blocky hilltops and undergrounds but add an element of danger perhaps not expected from merely checking out the box art in your local Target. Between grassy knolls and the game’s zen musical queues, necessary tension is added to the mix with its timer ticking away at the top of the screen and forcing you to not dally and hurry up before nightfall.

And there is a genuine need for multitasking here to work your way through the game efficiently. As one set of Pikmin knock down a wall, say, others will need to be used to transport back a piece of tech to the ship. Using the Pikmin for their attributes will become essential, as red Pikmin walk effortlessly through fire, yellows transport bombs and blues navigate your water sections. 

All the while, ladybird monsters with stalk eyes awake only to devour your flock, nocturnal pig creatures spit fire, fish snap, screen filling pod-spiders stomp and underground creatures burrow up to try and kill you; all becoming bigger in size as you progress meaning that becoming familiar with the lay of the land will only help as you return to levels.

Pikmin’s downside is that after the first 20 minutes, you’re only in for more of the same right up until its finale. There’s not a huge amount of variety beyond: Land on planet, attack, collect items, repeat. As the enemies do grow larger and more dangerous it keeps things exciting, but it remains the same a-to-b mission, regardless of the level (something the sequels would naturally only try and remedy by adding more characters, Pikmin, dungeons and scrapping the time limit altogether).

Pikmin can become a little samey after a while, but with a slim playtime and so much to look at now is a perfect time to revisit the game before Pikmin 4 drops for summer this year.

Pikmin is worth a try if:

  • Cute critters
  • Nintendo is your jam anyway
  • You like Ridley Scott’s hit 2015 film, “The Martian”

Give it a pass if:

  • Animal Crossing is already just too intense
  • Fictional animal deaths are too much
  • You need constant variety in your gameplay [lasso ref=”pikmin-4-nintendo-switch” id=”23929″ link_id=”4279″]

Chris Pratt Reveals He Prepared for Role of Mario By Depositing Check From Nintendo

Posted on by Camden Brazile

LOS ANGELES — On the heels of the upcoming Mario movie, voice actor Chris Pratt revealed he prepared for the iconic titular role by depositing his check from Nintendo. 

“Playing such a huge, titanic figure in gaming history was a lot of pressure, but after cashing my check from Nintendo, I was ready to go,” Pratt explained. “My research was exhaustive. I looked into tiny details that would affect my character like how much Nintendo was going to offer me, how much that would be after taxes, and how much my church would take off the top. After that, I spent months doing preparation for the job, and once my Amazon wishlist was updated, I felt prepared to step into the recording booth.”

Pratt’s fellow castmates elaborated on their respective processes for embodying their Mario characters.

“It was incredibly rewarding to step into the shoes of the incredibly fun and iconic Princess….I wanna say…Strawberry?” said Anya Taylor-Joy. “A lot of people say that roles in movies like this are just a paycheck, but the truth is they’re wrong. It’s a really big paycheck. Seriously, you can’t comprehend what you can buy with money like this. If you don’t enjoy the Mario movie while you’re seeing it, just take a second, close your eyes, and think about what you could buy with four million dollars. It makes everything go by a lot faster, trust me.”

Shigeru Miyamoto explained why Pratt was an easy choice for the role of Mario.

“What drew me to the choice of Chris Pratt was, much like Mario, how drawn he is to money,” Miyamoto said. “Just like my videogame character, he is willing to put his livelihood on the line for merely a few more coins. If Mario were real, he would similarly debase his career by being in a cash grab Mario movie if the price was right.”

At press time, sources at Illumination reported that Pratt had further embodied the role of Mario by peaking early on in his career, and becoming more boring and watered down with every passing year.

Could an Ordinary Human Save Hyrule?

Posted on by Brad Waters

The Legend Of Zelda in REAL LIFE???

Yes, The Legend Of Zelda in Real Life.

Today in a bumper edition of Video Game Detective, I, Fudj, will seek to discern whether or not a real life, average, ordinary human could save Hyrule where he placed into the little brown boots of Link in The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time.

Prepare for a whole lot of falling, screaming, and the painful, painful truth.

And milk, also prepare for a lot of milk.