Gary Kerls, Author at Hard Drive

Guy at Barcade Pretty Sure Ms. Pac-Man Wants to Fuck Him

Posted on June 28, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

NORTHAMPTON, Mass. — A patron at Coinline, a local bar that hosts dozens of retro arcade cabinets, is fairly certain that Ms. Pac-Man wants to screw his brains out, sources close to the situation confirmed.

“I spent the whole night with her, man,” said Sam Allen, who noted that Ms. Pac-Man had even asked for his name after he achieved a high score. “She could’ve ended the interaction any time she wanted. We just had a connection, you know? It’s like we were cut from the same cloth. We’re both foodies. We’re both scared of ghosts. We both feel a little lost in this crazy labyrinth that we call the modern world. I don’t care what my friends say; I’m asking for her number.”

Allen’s friends had indeed cautioned him to not get emotionally involved with the video game icon.

“We’ve told him a million times: she’s just being nice because you’re a paying customer,” said Allen’s friend Craig Erwin, who said he intentionally played Rampage as either George or Ralph to avoid any awkward voyeurism. “It’s literally her job. She was set in attract mode, for God’s sake. It’s honestly super embarrassing and he’s just going to make a fool of himself, like that time he derailed our Dungeons and Dragons campaign because he wanted to, ‘settle down,’ with an NPC.”

Coinline’s manager, Orson Clyde, said that the establishment monitors situations like this very closely.

“We don’t tolerate any inappropriate behavior towards our staff,” said Clyde. “If this guy just has a crush and keeps it to himself, that’s one thing. However, if he crosses the line and harrasses Ms. Pac-Man, we will not hesitate to remove him from the premises. We’ve done it before. It’s usually men we’re asking to leave, but ever since we got that Q*bert machine…I mean, Jesus. We’ve had to ban bachelorette parties. It’s disgusting.”

At press time, Allen was seen losing his temper and making a scene after another patron began playing the Ms. Pac-Man cabinet.

Bruce Wayne Speaks Out Against Twitter Account That Tracks Batman’s Grappling Hooks

Posted on June 28, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

GOTHAM CITY — Billionaire Bruce Wayne spoke out against a social media account dedicated to tracking and publicizing the location of the grappling hooks used by local hero, Batman.

“It’s an enormous privacy risk,” said Wayne, who kept glancing up at the sky throughout his statement. “Sure, we all want to track down this dangerous vigilante, but what’s next? Your car reporting you when you go over the speed limit after a rocket boost? Facial recognition technology that can tell who you are even if you’re wearing a mask? Your Alexa recording every time you hit three specific keys on your piano, opening a secret passageway to your underground lair? It’s madness.”

Daily Planet reporter Clark Kent spoke on the matter during an interview on CNN.

“I laud the investigative mind of the young man who created the account, but it’s really not a useful project,” said Kent. “Sure, Batman’s grappling hooks use CFC gasses, which are harmful to the ozone layer. But, ultimately, the problem doesn’t lie with individuals. It’s corporations and governments that have the largest impact on the environment. That’s where we should turn our attention.”

Edward Nygma, the college student who created the account, defended his motivations in a Twitter Space.

“I started doing this because I found it to be an interesting programming project. Kind of like a puzzle,” said Nygma. “Sure, I was kind of hoping that it would get someone like Bruce Wayne’s attention, so that I could pitch them my idea for a machine that interfaces directly with your brain, but I didn’t anticipate this reaction. If I’m being honest, this pushback is kind of making me obsessed with tracking Batman. I might take it up full time.”

At press time, Bruce Wayne announced that he was calling on Congress to introduce legislation that would end federal regulations requiring masked heroes to register all gadgets with the federal government.

10/10 Game Not Nearly as Good as Other 10/10 Game

Posted on June 28, 2023 by Cameron Snow

MADISON, Wis. — Insisting upon the rules of his arbitrary video game ranking system, local gamer Calvin Hedges declared The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom to be a perfect 10/10 game, though not nearly as good as Red Dead Redemption 2, a game he reportedly gave the exact same score.

“Tears of the Kingdom is an utterly flawless game and I’m fully convinced Nintendo had a direct line of communication with God while making it,” remarked Hedges. “But it must’ve been a shittier god, like that one who ate his son or whatever. The point is, when you compare it to other games that are equally as brilliant, it’s worse.”

Popular video game reviewer Claire Bernard maintained that the standard “out of 10” scale is the best ranking system.

“Our rating scale is meticulously designed so that the coveted ‘perfect 10’ exclusively goes to the very best of the best,” said Bernard. “Tears of the Kingdom exemplifies everything it means for a game to be a 10, and there’s not a single thing that Nintendo could have done better. It’s undoubtedly the pinnacle of gaming — it just so happens that sometimes the pinnacle of gaming gets its face shat on by another game.”

Tears of the Kingdom director Hidemaro Fujibayashi was unsure how to feel by the reception.

“Thanks, and also not thanks? Am I the only one who knows how numbers work?” said Fujibayashi. “You can’t just tell me 10 is less than 10! It’s the same number, dammit! I’d rather receive a 2/10 because at least that would make fucking sense!”

At press time, in order to prevent confusion, reviewers decided to simply rereview both games, giving Red Dead Redemption 2 five gold stars and The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom and A+.

Huge Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Finally Reads Manga It’s Based On

Posted on June 28, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local anime fan Zach Hodges finally went back and read the manga that 1995 science fiction classic Neon Genesis Evangelion is based on, according to those familiar with the situation.

“I was looking up something from the show — the Dead Sea Scrolls — and stumbled across all these books called ‘The Bible.’ I was like holy shit! I had no idea that Evangelion was based on a manga,” Hodges explained. “But a lot of the story is making more sense to me now. I love Eva; I’ve watched the entire series probably fifteen times. But I’ve never actually understood literally any of the plot at all. So it’s really nice to go back and get to take in all this context from the original manga, about Moses and Jesus and all that backstory from before the Second Impact. I haven’t finished yet, but I’m almost done and I’m so excited for all these characters in The Bible to finally get into mechs and start fighting.”

Sources close to Hodges say that he is a super fan of anything he gets into and is going “all in” on Neon Genesis Evangelion and Christianity now that he discovered it’s the origin of the ’90s anime.

“We are very excited to welcome Zach into our prayer group,” said a local pastor, Jerry Jarvis. “I don’t really know what the hoot he’s talking about sometimes, what with the giant robots and human instruments or something, but he takes his Bible study very seriously, which he calls ‘learning lore.’ He’s often making a big show of pushing his glasses up with his hand and he has a lot of interesting things to say about angels, but he’s a dedicated member of the group and we’re very happy to have him! I’ve never met such a young man so interested in discovering his faith.”

“He does seem to sexualize these drawings of children, however,” Jarvis added, with concern. “That’s something we’re trying to get away from as a religion.”

Final Fantasy 16 New Game Plus Guide: Does FF16 Have NG+?

Posted on June 28, 2023 by Michelle Pereira

Final Fantasy 16 has been out for a few days now, and many players might be wondering if there’s a harder mode, or New Game Plus. This guide will show you exactly what to expect if you want to head back into the fictional world of Valisthea in FF16.

Is There A New Game Plus In Final Fantasy 16?

Yes, there is a New Game+ mode in Final Fantasy XVI, and unlike some previous entries in the series, it’s available on release day. The mode has been dubbed Final Fantasy Mode, and is markedly different from the standard run, beyond the simple increase in difficulty. As expected, players will be locked into this mode for the duration of the playthrough, so there’s no switching difficulties between Story Focused and Action Focused on the fly like in normal mode.

What Changes In Final Fantasy Mode (FF16)?

Enemy levels are raised, with some changing their location, or even being switched out entirely for different enemy types that were encountered late game in normal mode. In order to keep up with these increases in challenge, Clive’s max level is raised to 100, and a number of weapons have new avenues for improvement whether through reforging or reinforcement.

What Carries Over In FF16 New Game Plus?

All of Clive’s statistical progress from normal mode will carry over, including level and attributes.
Amassed weapons, armor, and accessories will be available immediately as well.
Accumulated gil and materials will be transferred over intact.
Orchestrion Rolls and most curiosites.

What Doesn’t Carry Over Final Fantasy New Game+?

Quest progress is obviously wiped clean.
The Wall of Memories in Clive’s Chambers will be bare when you begin a fresh playthrough on New Game Plus.
Certain other Curiosities will have to be acquired again as well.
Ambrosia the Chocobo will not be available at the start of the fresh run either, presumably for pacing and balancing reasons. Fortunately the point where the Chocobo does make a comeback in NG+ doesn’t change from normal mode, and that’s just a few hours into the game anyway.

Once you’ve beaten Final Fantasy Mode you will be awarded the trophy “Fantasy, Finally” for your efforts. That’s everything you need to know about New Game Plus in Final Fantasy 16. Check out our other FF16 content including how to get all Renown rewards.

Every Mortal Kombat Character Ranked by How Good a Spouse I Think They Would Be

Posted on June 27, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

I’m sick of reading rankings and tier lists of fighting game characters based on how good they are at fighting. Who cares? I want to know how they are as people. I want to know how they are as partners! So here’s a ranking of all the Mortal Kombat characters by how good I think they would be as a spouse.

#77 — Stryker

40%.

#76 — Reptile

Sorry Reptile-lovers, but Reptile would be a terrible partner. He’s just an absolutely vile guy who spits bile everywhere and probably talks shit about his partners behind their backs. If you see Reptile on your dating app…swipe left!

#75 — Ermac

“We are many; you are one. Your abilities pale before us,” isn’t just some shit Ermac says. It’s something he learned how to say in a pick-up artist class. Yeah, he’s not even negging you out of some insane loser instinct. He paid money to learn how to neg you. Huge loser energy.

#74 — Cetrion

Cetrion is one of those gods who refuses to date anyone other than gods. I dunno why you think you’re better than me just because you think you’re a god, but you know what? Bullet dodged, I guess. Grow up!

#73 — Bo’ Rai Cho

This man is, physically and emotionally, deeply unwell. You do not want to date an alcoholic, who is so addicted to drinking, that he can projectile vomit on command. It’s not funny, Bo. Seek help. We’re all so worried about you (and sick of being farted on).

#72 — Onaga

One of the most important things in any relationship is nightly bed-control. You know how annoying it is to wake up cold in the middle of the night because you completely lost the blanket? Imagine you’re married to Onaga, the Dragon King, and he has giant fucking wings. You’re getting absolutely no bed space. No thanks.

#71 — Hotaru

Hotaru is one of those guys who is obsessed with the military, but was never even in it. Not that being in the military is cool, but at least they were actually in it! If you’re gonna ruin your kids’ lives by trying to be a drill sergeant instead of a dad, you could at least have gone to war.

#70 — Erron Black

Erron Black talks a HUGE game about how he ONLY hooks up with “supreme hotties” and “perfect 10s” and, as a result, has never been in an actual relationship in his life. He did make out with D’Vorah, the bug girl, at a party once, though!

#69 — Johnny Cage

Sorry, Johnny Cage may look fun and nice, but the guy is so thirsty to revitalize his acting career that he joined the Mortal Kombat tournament. No one should marry an actor, let alone a desperate one. Not to mention, the guy is obsessed with hitting people in the balls. He’s hit literal gods in the balls. I can’t take it with him.

#68 — Kabal

Kabal would go on a date with you that you thought was OK but figured was nice enough, so you try to text him to schedule a second date, and he only sends you one word answers for three weeks. Then when you stop talking to him, he calls you a slut and says you could never be with someone with such “bitchin Hookswords.”

#67 — Kobra

How is Kobra the ugliest guy in a tournament filled with people who have no skin or no eyelids or their arms are made of feces? And the worst part is the guy thinks he’s hot! Imagine you’re out on a date with Kobra, and he makes some snide comment about how you’re lucky to be with someone so out of your league, and you look him in the face, and it’s Kobra.

#66 — Jarek

Jarek seems like a normal enough guy, but I cannot in good conscience tell anyone that they should try dating Jarek. I mean look at him. Really look at the guy. Jarek. Jarek. Come on. This is a serious list we’re making here. Jarek.

#65 — Triborg

Going on a date with Triborg and trying to have a conversation is like doing one of those captchas that says “click all the pictures that feature stop signs” and it shows you 8 AI-generated images that all kinda look like stop signs but don’t really. And then he asks you to pay for the dinner.

#64 — Kintaro

Maybe you think Kintaro is really funny or hot or whatever, but he is literally racist against humans. Like he openly says he is. So maybe think about that before telling me he’s a “terrific boyfriend.” Not to me, he wouldn’t be — even if he jokes that I’m one of the “good ones.” And I agree humans are bad!

#63 — Shinnok

Shinnok is the kind of partner who, after a long shitty day of work, you come home and rant to him for five minutes straight, only to realize 75% through your story that he was just looking at memes on Reddit. Not even a specific subreddit, he’s straight up browsing r/all.

#62 — Tremor

Tremor is so goddamn impressed with the fact that he’s got really crazy looking arms, but in the world of Mortal Kombat, that shit’s a dime a dozen. You’re gonna need to bring more than “I’ve got crazy arms” to the table, buddy. Can you cook? Do you give good back rubs? No, your arms are made of stone.

#61 — Sareena

Just a quick heads up — not trying to say she’s bad or whatever — but Sareena has actually stalked the last four exes she has had. And I’m not saying she liked all their Instagram posts or something. She like showed up at their houses at 3 a.m. Again, not trying to be a dick here, but just thought you should know that.

Pages: 1 2 3 4

Hulk Hogan Has Great Idea for Movie About Hulk Hogan

Posted on June 27, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — An enthusiastic Terry “Hulk Hogan” Bollea has reportedly been spotted around Hollywood, pitching an autobiographical film that he thinks “is really something special.”

“Let me tell you something about today’s Hollywood landscape, brother” said Hogan, former World Wrestling Federation champion as he accosted two Paramount executives coming back from their lunch break. “There’s not enough movies featuring heroes with 24 inch pythons that aren’t araid to take on villains like Andre the Giant and that snake The Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase! Before you ask me what I’m doing here, let me ask YOU something, brother: Whatcha gonna do when the best biopic of all time opens wide and outgrosses everything else in sight?”

The unsolicited pitch was merely the latest in a string that have taken place around the city’s major studio lots.

“He kicked our door down like the Kool-Aid Man,” said Lauren Gilchrist, an executive at Disney. “And started telling us about how The Wrestler was a great movie but it lacked a scene where Mickey Rourke fucked his friend’s wife and then said racist shit about his daughter’s boyfriend all on a sex tape that goes public. Then Hulk posed for like five minutes until security showed up and whisked him away. I was a big fan as a kid, don’t get me wrong, but that was just bizarre.”

Though apparently striking out with the repeated pitches, news of Hogan’s antics has peaked the public’s curiosity.

“Honestly, that sounds like a fantastic movie,” said Joe Gibson, a local wrestling fan. “Everything else right now is either a comic book movie or a sequel or both. Why can’t we just do two hours of Hulk dropping legs on The Iron Sheik and The Macho Man? Top ten movie of the year, easy. Except, Hulk can’t play himself like he’s insisting. He probably shouldn’t write or direct, either. Actually, please keep that guy as far away from this as possible.”

As of press time, Hogan was reportedly shopping another script around, this one about a guy who fucks his best friend’s wife.

Paramount Confirms Upcoming Frasier Reboot Will Focus on Multiverse

Posted on June 27, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Paramount confirmed today that the upcoming reboot of their popular 1990’s sitcom Frasier will take place inside of a multiverse, joining upcoming releases with similar themes including Deadpool 3, season two of Invincible, the follow up to Spider Man: Across the Spiderverse, and all of the upcoming MCU films, sources have confirmed.

“We are so excited to open up the world of the Frasier Crane multiverse,” said Kelsey Grammer, the show’s titular star. “When people first caught wind of the fact that I was the only returning cast member, our project was derided as being everything wrong with today’s mindless entertainment landscape. People thought this new version was nothing more than a hollow attempt to corral fans into a lifeless reboot. But don’t worry, there’s a good reason for it: we’re doing a multiverse thing! Sounds great, right?”

The rebooted Frasier’s plot sees the psychiatrist somehow accidentally warp to a world that has no resemblance to his previous home, one of an infinite amount he could have landed in, according to show’s producers.

“You’ve never seen anything like this on Frasier,” said Chris Harris, an executive producer on the show. “We’ve spent a few decades getting to know this character, their family and their work and that kind of stuff. But we wanted to go a little deeper this time, and see what happens if Frasier found himself in an oddly cold and empty universe that has a shitload of cameos from Cheers.”

Fans of the show reacted negatively to the news.

“Wow, when they said Frasier reboot, I guess I pictured the further adventures of Frasier and possibly his brother Niles,” said Allison Koski, a devoted fan of the original. “Not Frasier Crane traveling through different universes and giving advice to people from other old Paramount sitcoms and movies. That sounds terrible. Can’t they just write some stories that have characters and jokes in them? Or is that asking too much?”

As of press time, a holographic Kirstie Alley had controversially appeared on Good Morning America to promote her appearance on the upcoming Frasier reboot.

Call of Duty MW2 Best Melee Weapons Ranked: CoD MW2 Guide

Posted on June 27, 2023 by Samam Hasan

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 melee weapons are excellent picks for players prefer to use in close combat situations. There are currently four melee weapons in the game: the Combat Knife, The Dual Kodachis, the Riot Shield, and the Tonfa. In this guide, we rank all of these weapons based on effectiveness. So, let’s take a look at the best melee weapons in MW2.

4. Tonfa

The Tonfa is the new melee weapon added to MW2 in the Season 4 update. It can currently be unlocked via the Assault on Vondel limited-time event in the game. It is basically a baton that does some serious blunt damage to your opponents, but not enough to take them down. It has better handling, but overall, it is comparatively not that much damaging than the other melee weapons in the game.

3. Riot Shield – MW2 Best Melee Weapons, Ranked

The riot shield is a ballistic-proof and explosive-resistant shield unlocked at level 37 in the game. It is especially helpful when you are confined in a space with numerous powerful opponents. This weapon’s use is somewhat more situation-dependent than the Dual Kodachis and Combat Knife, which is why it comes in third. But, because this works well with both shotguns and submachine guns, it’s worth considering it for your loadout.

2. Dual Kodachis

How to unlock the Dual Kodachis in MW2 and Warzone 2.

The Dual Kodachis returned to Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 as part of the Season 2 Update in the game. This weapon could be unlocked by completing Sector B13 of the Season 2 Battle Pass. Now, though, you can unlock it by getting 20 kills with melee weapons in multiplayer or by extracting it from the DMZ. It takes a bit longer to swing it, but these have a higher area of damage than the Combat Knife. This is a stylish weapon to have in your arsenal and will definitely strike fear into your enemies when they see it.

1. Combat Knife: Best Call of Duty MW2 Melee Weapon

The combat knife, the best melee weapon in Call of Duty MW2.

The combat knife is definitely the best melee weapon in Modern Warfare 2 at the time of writing. There’s a reason why most players prefer to use this instead of the other three. It’s quick to draw, reliable, silent, and does a lot of damage. It also helps in close-quarters combat, particularly in modes like Team Deathmatch and Tier 1 playlists. That’s why we think it is the quintessential melee weapon in the game.

And those are our picks for the best MW2 melee weapons. Check out the best aim assist settings in Modern Warfare 2 as well.

Geoff Keighley’s Tramp Stamp

Mortal Kombat 1

Todd Howard’s Phone Number

Sonic Superstars

Second Coming of Jesus Christ

Super Mario Wonder

The Love of a Good Woman

Silksong Finally Released