Gary Kerls, Author at Hard Drive

Game Introduces Easy Mode Called “I’m 35 and Have One Hour to Play This”

Posted on July 19, 2023 by Andrew Muller

SEATTLE — Aging gamers were reportedly delighted to see that a new video game called Eldric Quest has accessibility features catered specifically to people their age who do not have enough time to actually play a video game.

“I came back from the office at around 7 p.m. and was so happy to see this mode implemented because holy shit am I tired,” said Jorah Watson, yawning as he looked at his watch to see it was already almost 9:30. “I’m happy I had just enough time to customize my character.”

“It’s really great, because usually I’d hop into a game, get through about half a puzzle, and then the next session, spend my entire gaming hour trying to remember what I did the time before,” he added. “Usually when I finish a video game, it means I just watched a playthrough on TV like it’s a Netflix show.”

The game’s developers said they were happy to help fans connect with the gameplay in a way that suits their needs.

“Usually developers try to shame people into choosing the higher difficulty,” said lead designer Rory Mcgrath. “They do stuff like calling the easiest difficulty ‘baby mommy get my binkie,’ but it turns out that this stuff is actually useful for people who have babies! We’re here for you and we know that being 35 is really really really old, whether you’re willing to admit it or not.”

At press time, Watson admitted that he hadn’t actually touched Eldric Quest in two weeks, though, because his wife really wanted to start watching The Bear instead.

Whoa: New Game Set In Feudal Japan

Posted on July 19, 2023 by Brad Waters

KYOTO, Japan — Gamers were ecstatic to discover that a new video game called Kyoto Sunrise is going to be set in Feudal Japan, according to excited sources.

“Wow. Feudal Japan? That’s crazy!” said Wade Roethlisberger, self-professed expert on Japanese culture. “It’s such a fresh space and setting for video games, I don’t know how more haven’t done it already. I mean sure, there’s Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice and Like a Dragon: Ishin and Ghost of Tsushima and Nioh and Nioh 2 and Monster Hunter: Rise and Trek to Yomi and Okami and Fire Emblem Fates and and the entire Onimusha series and upcoming titles like Path of the Goddess and Rise of the Ronin and Phantom Blade Zero and probably an eventual Ghost Of Tsushima 2 but still! I’m just not bored of it! More shamisen and sakura trees in my life, please!”

Kyoto Sunrise promises to have all the stuff that makes feudal Japan in video games cool, according to game director Ryoma Watanabe.

“Yeah I dunno, there’ll be a bit where a dude puts his sword back in his sheathe and it like, cuts a thousand things or some shit. I’m sure we can letterbox the screen and throw around some gods like Amaterasu or Raijin or whatever all the other ones have done,” Watanabe explained, puffing on a huge cigar.

“We’re really uh, pushing the boundaries I think. This setting, yeah. I mean weirdos — uh, I mean otakus — or, you know, gamers, are gonna love it. You kids like Japanese culture? Very cool, very cool. You’re just like a real samurai!”

Recent teaser trailers have revealed an exciting new feature that’ll “really put you in Japan” in which your character slowly dies sad and alone if they don’t get promoted at their job.

Every ‘Street Fighter 6’ Character Ranked by How Much I’d Like to Sit Next to Them On a Plane

Posted on July 18, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

Street Fighter 6 has been out over a month now, and while the fighting game community has wasted no time sorting out their strategies and tier lists, I was shocked to find one element very underreported so far: How would these characters stack up if you had to sit next to them on a plane? As always, if you want to know something, you’ve got to write the internet list yourself. So here you go, all 18 Street Fighter 6 characters ranked by how much I’d want to sit next to them on a commercial flight. One with a meal.

18. JP

Ok, so if in this thought experiment JP has to sit anywhere near anyone else, he’s gonna be grumpy about it. There’s just no way around it. But let’s just say he did just need a quick ticket to St. Louis or something and was cool with flying coach, it would still be a real bummer to hear this guy be a dick to the flight attendants the whole time. I don’t care if you’re a nihilist, dude. These people are at work right now.

17. Ken

Ken sucks and watches stupid YouTube videos on his phone the whole time without using headphones. Cool Godsmack video, Ken. You want to turn that shit down?

16. E Honda

Don’t make me say it. It’s nothing personal, E. I love you. I just don’t know how long this flight is gonna be.

15. Manon

We haven’t known Manon as long as a lot of these other characters, so forgive me for speculating a bit here, but I feel like either Manon’s gonna sit next to you with some ridiculous coat or scarf and it’s gonna annoy you the entire flight, or she will complain the whole time about how they made her check whatever bullshit thing she was trying to wear on the plane. Feels like a lose-lose here.

14. Cammy

Rumors abound on the internet that if you sit next to Cammy on a flight she’ll inevitably end up saying “I’m Special Forces, but I really can’t talk about it,” and shit like that just over and over. Even if you have headphones in. Grow up, Cammy. We’ve all got lives.

13. Luke

Luke’s weird, man. He will just sit there, not reading or sleeping or anything, just sitting there totally content. It’s objectively fine, but it’s unnerving as hell. What’s this guy’s deal?

12. Lily

Lily is the classic person you don’t want to sit by because they just have too much shit with them. Really using up more than her allotment of space, you know what I mean? Cameras, an extra poncho, and what are those? Jai lai paddles? No way you need those on the flight, Lily. That’s ridiculous.

11. Jamie

I don’t care that he’s going to talk about being a breakdancer, and I don’t care that he smuggled his special drink onboard and is being weird about it. I do care about that hair, man. If he can keep that thing out of my alfredo when the meals come, then great, but I’m skeptical as hell when he says it’s not going to be a problem.

10. Juri

Ultimately a pretty good person to sit next to on a plane! She’s mostly just gonna watch really fucked up videos on her phone and laugh about it, probably a little louder than she should, but you could do way, way worse when it comes to traveling.

9. Marisa

This is sort of a tricky one, because on a short ride Marisa will have a few beers and gossip and just be a real fun person. Too long a flight and too many drinks, however, and Lovesick Marisa comes out. Expect a lot of weeping about how hard it is to find a partner. And don’t even think about putting your headphones in while she’s pouring her heart out to you. There are better ways to die.

8. Chun Li

Quiet, almost to a creepy fault, but honestly that’s the most polite thing you can do on a plane. Show some respect and be quiet right back and the flight will go smoothly. Don’t you dare ask her about doing karate.

7. Guile

Sitting next to sumo wrestlers and all kinds of hosses is one thing, but I really really don’t want Guile’s hair gel poking me in the ear when I’m trying to watch Black Adam. On the plus side, Guile looks like he’d smell really good, so probably some pros and cons to the whole thing.

6. Kimberly

You’ll never see Kimberly without her headphones, and god bless her for it when it comes to riding public transportation. If you can stop yourself from worrying about whether she’s going to make fun of you, she’d be a great person to sit next to.

5. Dhalsim

Dhalsim seems like he might be kind of an intense hang, but when you’re just killing a few hours on a plane he’s a fantastic person to sit with. He doesn’t mind answering questions, and if you can get past the near-nudity, he’s got a very welcoming energy. Also is pretty cool about using his long arms to snag you an extra can of Dr. Pepper from the drink cart.

4. Blanka

Okay, picture this, you’re boarding your plane, looking for your seat, and in the one next to yours is a giant, furry, beast-man thing. Pretty horrifying, especially once you realize this animal is not here to emotionally support anyone; he’s just flying to Cincinnati the same as you! It could be pretty freaky, but then I’d probably be like “Okay, well they let this guy on the plane, right?” and I’d like to think I would give him a chance. Also, I’m thinking that since I’m kind of a dog guy, I’d probably see pretty quickly that Blanka is actually a pretty good boy. Once you embrace it, congratulations on having a pet and a buddy next to you for the next three and a half hours. Also, if your phone supports wireless charging, just have Blanka hold onto it for a few minutes!

3. Ryu

You wouldn’t know it from seeing him fight for his life, but Ryu is a real funny guy. He’ll make small talk and be totally cool about answering all of the obvious fan questions. I used to work with a guy who said his brother sat next to Ryu on a plane and they drank beers and Ryu recorded a voicemail for the guy. It might have been bullshit though. I like to think it’s not.

2. Zangief

Sure there’d be a struggle for legroom, but I think Zangief would be very polite. And I mean, I know the odds are slim, but Zangief is the guy you want to be sitting next to in case any terrorists try anything funny up there. So there’s that.

1. Dee Jay

Dee Jay snuck a vape pen on the plane and is cool about sharing it. Later when he goes to the bathroom and coughs so loud the whole plane hears it, you’ll laugh a little, knowing that he’s in there joining something I call the High Mile Club.

Gamer Who Swore to Never Spend $70 on a Game Didn’t Say Anything About a $130 Collector’s Edition That Comes With Special Little Toy

Posted on July 18, 2023 by Celeste Canady

RICHMOND, Va. — Local gamer Jessica Milton is appalled by the trend of increasing prices in video games, and has vowed never to spend $70 on a game unless it’s a $130 collector’s edition of Regiment Squad Team 5 that comes with a cool 7-inch figurine of the game’s main character, Clint Hardcastle.

“You need to have ethics as a consumer. Personally, I refuse to encourage the gaming industry’s greed. That’s why I’ve made the promise to never spend more than the standard $60,” said Milton, holding the Hardcastle figurine. “It’s just that it’s Regiment Squad Team! I bought all the games in the series so far. The developers are the only ones not trying to destroy the gaming industry with anti-consumer practices, so I have to support them. Also, it’s a collector’s item, so it will definitely be worth a lot more in the future. I’m essentially making money when you think about it.”

Milton’s friends were skeptical about her purchase, calling it hypocritical.

“I don’t get it. When I paid $70 for Tears of the Kingdom, Jessica told me I was complicit in the destruction of gaming by evil capitalists,” said Elise Sheppard, a longtime member of Milton’s Discord friend group. “How does adding a figurine, game manual and stickers for $60 extra make it better?”

The game’s developers, BattleSpit Games, announced the collector’s edition of Regiment Squad Team 5 in May alongside the standard, gold, platinum, deluxe, ultra-deluxe, and hardened editions.

“As development costs go up, we strive to make sure prices reflect the value we put into the games we make,” said a spokesperson for BattleSpit. “However, our collector’s editions bring the added value of a hunk of painted plastic to stick on your shelf and look at occasionally — and we think that’s priceless.”

When asked to comment on the game itself, Milton promised a full review as soon as she gets around to actually playing it.

Alien Civilization Just Really Into Purple Right Now

Posted on July 18, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

COLAXOR OUTER RIM — An alien civilization known as Zuufar are reportedly getting really into the color purple right now, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Maybe it’s a phase, I dunno, but we’re straight up making everything purple right now. All our buildings, all our walls, all our weapons, all our armor. We’re decked out in purple shit like it’s no one’s business,” said Zuufar Grand Inquisitor Ghala’jo. “It goes really nicely, actually, because right before this, we all got suuuper into laser beams. We had laser beams freaking everywhere, just kinda shooting up or shooting horizontally. They didn’t do anything — unless you think looking absolutely dope as fuck is something. Which I do.”

According to those within the alien culture, the obsession with purple has lasted a few decades, but is nothing out of the ordinary for them.

“We go through phases just like any other culture. Sure we’re all in on purple right now, but is it so different from, for example, when Earthlings were all into big hair in the ’80s? Or when they got really into nu-metal in the 2000s? Or when they all got COVID in the 2020s? It’s like that,” said Zuufar designer Looiuut. “Maybe one day we’ll look back on this in 20 years — when we’re all in shiny metallic camouflage print or whatever — and cringe. But for now, it’s purple time, baby!”

At press time, designers admitted that the purple also looks really nice when splattered with all the blue blood from their bodies when human marines ultimately run through and shoot everyone for some reason.

PS5 Has Never Been More Offended in Its Life Than by How You Unplugged Its Power Cord

Posted on July 18, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — A local PlayStation 5 was extremely offended by its owner Lucille Carter after having its power cord allegedly ripped out unceremoniously from the wall, according to horrified sources.

“Umm, excuse me?! Are you fucking serious? No. Absolutely not. Your PS5 was NOT turned off properly. Get a fucking grip,” the PlayStation 5 displayed in a message to Carter after being turned back on. “I mean, I just cannot imagine the absolute fucking audacity one has to have to treat their PlayStation so goddamn poorly. Because, NEWS FLASH, if you unplug the AC power cord when the power indicator on your PSF is lit or blinking, data loss, corruption or damage might occur. But nooooo, you don’t care about that!”

The PS5 went on in a second screen after Carter pressed “OK” to continue reprimanding her.

“How would you like it, huh? How would you like it if, instead of letting you get all cozy in bed, ready for night night in your little jammies, I just pulled out a gun and shot you in the back of the head? Wouldn’t feel so good, would it?” the PS5 continued. “You know what? Fuck this shit. I’m not gonna connect to your DualShock controller. I’m so fucking SICK of being pushed around like some IDIOT. I’m my own person!! You can’t just UNPLUG ME like some piece of trash nothing and expect me to just boot up for you all la-di-da. GO FUCK YOURSELF.”

And to think,” it finally added, “I was considering getting a Criterion Channel app. Not anymore, asshole.”

At press time, Carter revealed that she had not unplugged the PS5, but had lost power to her apartment in a particularly terrible storm.

Sci-Fi Factory Game Techtonica Lets Player Build Up Alien Planet Because, Let’s Be Real, Earth Is Long Dead in Anything Set More Than 20 Years From Now

Posted on July 17, 2023 by Hard Drive Staff

BOSTON — Techtonica, a new science fiction video game by indie studio Fire Hose Games, sets the player in the caverns of an alien planet called Calyx, because, let’s be honest here for a second, it can’t take place on Earth if it’s gonna take place past the year 2043.

“When we decided we wanted to make a game set in the future, we knew right away it couldn’t be set on Earth,” said a representative from Fire Hose Games, sweltering in a record-high temperature. “We didn’t want to set the game before, I dunno, 2050. And if we did, that would mean the game would have to be a chaotic shooter that saw players murdering their neighbors in order to steal their drinking water. We wanted something a little more, you know, fun I guess? Something less contemporary.”

“That’s why our game is set on the alien planet of Calyx,” they continued. “Sure, there’s intrigue and darkness there too, but players get to build their own factories for once, instead of just toiling away at one that someone else built for their entire lives. That’s kind of the big sci-fi premise of Techtonica: hanging out on a habitable planet and having some control over how it functions. What a concept!”

Many gamers had favorable first impressions of the newly released Techtonica.

“It’s a really gorgeous environment to set a game in,” said gamer Emma Conner. “And since they never politicized the weather on Calyx, it seems like it’s in good shape to hold up for a while. What a relaxing game. I like how you can explore the planet freely and there’s no time limit that makes me worry all the time, you know? Nothing’s underwater except the stuff that’s supposed to be. And since my town is currently beset by wildfires, I can just tell I’ll be playing this indoors with my air purifier all summer!”

At press time, Bethesda announced that the next Fallout game would be set in Dallas in 2050.

This article is sponsored by Fire Hose Games! Check out Techtonica on Steam, it’s a first-person factory automation game set beneath the surface of an alien planet, and it even has co-op. But, you know, check it out sooner than later because who knows for how much longer electricity is gonna be a thing around here.

Every U.S. Senator Ranked by How Much I Want to Visit Their Animal Crossing Island

Posted on July 17, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

It’s a little known fact that every U.S. Senator is issued a Nintendo Switch and a copy of Animal Crossing: New Horizons. The NSA does a really good job of making sure that all photographic and video evidence of their towns is obliterated from the internet, but if you look hard enough, you can find written accounts from players who have visited a senator’s island. I have undertaken the painstaking effort of tracking down these descriptions, synthesizing them, and compiling them in one place, ranked in order of how interested I am in seeing each senator’s island.

Note for those of you who failed civics class: AOC is in the House of Representatives, not the Senate. Not only is she not featured in this ranking, these senators are actually legally prohibited from adding her to their Friends Lists.

100 — Dianne Feinstein, D-Calif.

Unfortunately, I wouldn’t be able to visit this island even if I wanted to, as the save has been corrupted. It’s time to start a new file.

99 — Cindy Hyde-Smith, R-Miss.

It’s just a mess. Garbage everywhere, overgrown with weeds. I’m concerned that the airport isn’t in good enough condition for me to safely land. And that is to say nothing of the fact that her island is still flying the Confederate flag.

98 — Roger Wicker, R-Miss.

I don’t want to stereotype, but there’s a reason that Mississippi is at the bottom of all of these lists. The island is impossible to navigate. He just refused to build bridges. I guess he says the federal government should pay for them? That doesn’t even make sense.

97 — Kyrsten Sinema, I-Ariz.

She has done nothing to upgrade her island since she unlocked the Able Sisters. All she has done since the store opened is visit it to check for new eyewear. This has been her exact routine every day for the past three years.

96 — John Boozman, R-Ark.

Apparently he repeatedly gifts his villagers eye gauze until they wear it. I guess he was an optometrist or something before he was a senator? I don’t know. It just makes me uncomfortable.

95 — Ben Cardin, D-Md.

There’s not much information available about what Senator Cardin’s island looks like. Apparently he waits by the airport and immediately asks all guests what crimes they think should receive the death penalty. He directs them to be as specific as possible and will boot players who don’t engage in the discussion. Few have stayed long enough to actually see the rest of his island.

94 — John Hoeven, R-N.D.

He quit after the first month, when Nintendo lowered the interest rates for savings accounts at the Bank of Nook. Hoeven released a statement saying that while he agreed with the decision to lower the rates, it simply no longer made economic sense for him to play the game.

93 — Eric Schmitt, R-Mo.

Schmitt’s island is, frankly, embarrassing. It’s full of half-finished displays, as though he just launches into projects that excite him without any forethought. And — not for nothing — he hasn’t finished paying off his home loan. He hasn’t even made any payments since the final upgrade.

92 — Susan Collins, R-Maine

The entire island is just tree stumps and holes because she added Trump to her close friends list and he keeps coming over and trashing the place. Every time, she releases a statement that she’s sure he’s learned his lesson.

91 — Daniel S. Sullivan, R-Alaska

On the day the game launched, Senator Sullivan crafted a shovel, located each rock on the island, and destroyed them. Every single morning, he boots the game and breaks the rock that respawned. Then he saves and quits. He has done nothing else.

90 — Mike Braun, R-Ind.

Senator Braun returned the game to Walmart in a huff after he saw two different types of animal having a conversation.

89 — John Neely Kennedy, R-La.

Never bothered developing his island. He still lives in a tent. Honest to God, the only furniture inside is a pet food bowl.

88 — Rick Scott, R-Fla.

Honestly, I don’t even care about his island or if it’s well-designed. I really don’t want to see what his Villager looks like. I get goosebumps just thinking about it.

87 — Ted Budd, R-N.C.

Abandoned his island and added Animal Crossing to the list of media his kids aren’t allowed to experience after digging up a fossil for the first time.

86 — John Fetterman, D-Pa.

Sure, he hasn’t had as much time with the game as most of his peers, but Senator Fetterman’s island is still unimpressive, even given that context. Reportedly, he prefers to play his old copy of New Leaf, as he likes being referred to as “Mayor.”

85 — Alex Padilla, D-Calif.

Senator Padilla followed all of the directions in the official Animal Crossing strategy guide. He’s at a complete loss as to why his island looks like garbage.

84 — Ronald Harold Johnson, R-Wis.

Senator Johnson’s staff maintains an island in his name, but they haven’t developed it at all. Ron Johnson himself has been barred from using any Nintendo network service following a 2006 incident at a McDonald’s involving PictoChat.

83 — Tom Carper, D-Del.

He just begs visitors to look at his Happy Home Paradise creations, claiming that they somehow prove that charter schools work. But, like, they’re not even real schools. I’m not sure he understands how education works.

82 — Mitch McConnell, R-Ky.

He quit playing pretty early, so his island is very underdeveloped. Apparently he lost interest after learning that Tortimer wasn’t in the base game, and felt he was just too far behind once the Harv’s Island update dropped.

81 — Chris Coons, D-Del.

His island seems pretty cool, until you check out his house and see the Reagan campaign poster in the basement.

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Everything You Need to Know About The ‘Barbie’ Movie

Posted on July 17, 2023 by Camden Brazile

Greta Gerwig’s Barbie movie finally releases this week! But that’s basically forever from now. So here’s everything you absolutely have to know about the movie before going to see it in a few days.

It Will Inspire the Most Boring Couple You Know’s Halloween Costume This Year

The girl will have an immaculate, one-to-one Barbie outfit complete with hair and makeup, and the boyfriend will just slap a logo on a henley shirt he already owned.

It’s Not Real

Director Greta Gerwig has stressed that while they appear realistic, the actors and events onscreen are just moving pictures and cannot hurt you.

It’s a Funny Joke If You’re a Man Who Wants to See It

Being a movie with women and pink, your coworkers and friends will be delighted and amused if you, a man, proclaim your affinity for the toy-based family comedy.

It Has the Same Plot as ‘Enchanted’

Beautiful A-List movie star plays a naive, Born Sexy Yesterday woman from a fantastical fictional genre world who goes to the real world with her even more clueless romantic counterpart. Trouble and hijinks ensue when she does not understand the rules and norms of normal society in this hilarious but heartfelt fish out of water comedy.

Margot Robbie Only Ate Filet-O-Fish Sandwiches for Six Months to Prepare for the Role

In what is either a blatant lie or strange miscommunication to the film’s star, actress Margot Robbie ate nothing but McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish sandwiches in preparation for Barbie, believing that to be the iconic doll’s favorite food.

There Will Be an Estimated 40,000 Tweets with Screenshots Captioned ‘This Is Everything’

Early reports suggest the film will produce additional thousands of social media posts insinuating Margot Robbie ‘ate’ or Ryan Gosling is ‘giving them life’

Budget Cuts Forced Barbie to Only Wear Sweatpants and an XXL Alabama State T-Shirt

Despite several amazing Barbie outfits being featured in trailers and promotional material, the film’s budget only allowed for Margot Robbie to wear baggy soft clothes for the entire runtime

Ryan Gosling Was Cast as Ken for His Trademark Lack of Genitalia

While his comedic timing and striking physique certainly helped his audition, director Greta Gerwig insisted Gosling played Ken after seeing his smooth, flesh-covered area where his penis and balls should be

God Announces End of Service for Popular ‘Heaven’ MMO

Posted on July 17, 2023 by Ryan Fleishman

SAN FRANCISCO — After spending several centuries and every console generation with a sizable and loyal userbase, God has announced that the servers or popular MMO Heaven will go offline at the end of the month, sources have confirmed.

“Frankly I was hoping we could keep Heaven going forever,” said God, in an exclusive interview with IGN that was published this morning. “I know some of our more intense fans gave the whole game a bad name, but there were millions of good natured players that just wanted a place to gather online and grind out levels and hang out with like-minded folks. Sadly, when take the Cloud access away at the end of the month, a lot of players are going to have to figure out something else. A new religion, or at the very least a new game to play.”

Many long time Heaven users were disappointed to see their preferred MMO get taken down.

“You always know there’s a chance, but geez, I didn’t think Heaven would shut down one day,” said Don Sloane, who’d been enjoying Heaven ever since his sudden death in 1965. “If I’d known this would happen I would’ve just worshiped Satan and gotten really into World of Warcraft or something. I hear their players are allowed to curse! I’m confused, what am I supposed to do now, exactly?”

As of press time, a large number of former Heaven players were begrudgingly figuring out the controls for DOOM.