TARREY TOWN — Controversy has embroiled Hyrule Kingdom’s top construction contractor after a whistleblower revealed that a key employee had misrepresented his qualifications.
“I can’t apologize enough for this oversight, and I take personal responsibility,” said company president Hudson, who added that he had been distracted by a family matter during the hiring process. “I think we should all take a moment to be thankful that no one was hurt by these faulty signs. The individual in question is no longer with the company. We’re eager to move on and continue the vital work we’re doing for the kingdom.”
Addison, the man at the center of the scandal, said that he was driven to deception by his devotion to the company and its president.
“I’ve always looked up to Hudson. He’s literally the man rebuilding Hyrule,” said Addison, who clarified that he dropped out of college six credits short of a communications degree. “I just had to work for him. When I saw that the only job posting at the company required a Masters in mechanical engineering, I couldn’t help myself. I had already legally changed my name to be eligible to work for the company, so I didn’t see any harm in editing my resume a little bit. Now, I’m shattered. I can’t believe I disappointed President Hudson.”
A Hylian who witnessed Addison at work said it was a miracle that the story hadn’t ended in tragedy.
“I’m no engineer myself, but it was clear that this guy had no idea what he was doing,” said Kakariko Village resident Dorian, who noted that Addison held up his misshapen sign alone for days before help arrived. “The sign was so obviously unbalanced. Plus, he hacked these notches out of it for no discernable reason. When that blond kid showed up to help, I was relieved, until it became clear that he was just as unqualified as the first guy. They stacked a bunch of junk around it until it stopped falling over — which it did a lot, by the way. I didn’t let my kids play outside for a week.”
At press time, Addison was seen holding up a homemade sign atop a mountain in the middle of a thunderstorm, screaming that Hudson would have no choice but to take him back if he could only prove his devotion.
Anyone who’s played Cyberpunk 2077 knows Night City is chock full of gangs. Each has a distinct origin, ethos, and style, but they all share a few traits.
Every gang in Cyberpunk 2077 consists of ne’er-do-wells with a propensity for violence and little regard for their own physical wellbeing.
While Johnny Knoxville and company aren’t anywhere to be found in Night City, we’re pretty sure most of the gangs would probably like Jackass. Well, maybe some more than others.
Let’s investigate.
#10 — Voodoo Boys
The Voodoo Boys are a particularly cryptic gang that hasn’t cracked a smile since the ‘20s. Originally started by voodoo priests and priestesses, the Haitian group is enigmatic and hostile to outsiders. They give the distinct vibe that they’re not up for any antics, tomfoolery, or buffoonery.
They probably wouldn’t like Jackass at all, but they might tolerate Wildboyz.
#9 — 6th Street
Originally founded by war veterans, 6th Street consists of well-armed, camo-clad jabronis with the cadence of a drill sergeant. Its members claim to uphold law and order in Night City, but, as Johnny Silverhand puts it, they primarily “vomit lofty patriotic bullshit all day.”
If you showed 6th Street Jackass: The Movie, they’d enjoy it at first, but then it’d start to lose them. They’d find taking a shit in a hardware store disrespectful, and the first time Steve-O puts something in his butt, one of them would shoot the tv.
#8 — Tyger Claws
The Tyger Claws are possibly the most dangerous/hardcore gang in Cyberpunk 2077. In addition to being completely batshit, they’re bankrolled by the largest corporation in the country. They’re armed to the teeth, drive super-fast flashy vehicles, and seem to be actively committing a crime at all times.
They wouldn’t necessarily have anything against Jackass, but they’re simply too busy fucking terrorizing the city with samurai swords to watch tv.
If they had some time to kill while waiting outside a casino with guns or something, you could probably amuse them with some clips on your phone. Or maybe you describe some of your favorite bits — one of them might respond with an affirmative, “That’s funny.”
#7 — Scavengers
The Scavengers are a bunch of assholes who exclusively prey on innocent people, harvesting their cyberware and organs for profit. These windbreaker-loving fucks have no regard for human life.
They’d like any Jackass bit that could be classified as mean-spirited — e.g. when Bam beats up his dad or any instance when Ehren McGhehey is bullied. But if you tried to show them the one where Wee-Man runs around as a traffic cone — they’d immediately lose interest.
Scavs would probably go apeshit for Bum Fights, though.
#6 — Wraiths
The Wraiths are a gang of excommunicated nomads who were all kicked out of their original clans for doing something unspeakably terrible. Think the island of misfit toys — but much darker and mandated to stay at least 500 feet away from schools. Wraiths are a lawless bunch that has nothing left to lose.
They’d like Jackass, but not for the right reasons. Wraiths would watch it for 10 minutes, then start recording videos of them shooting each other in the dick.
Like all failed Jackass clones, they’d ultimately fall short due to a fundamental misunderstanding of what makes it funny.
#5 — Valentinos
One of the most prominent gangs in Night City, the Valentinos have an affinity for flashy gold cyberware, Santa Muerte tattoos, and lowriders adorned with religious iconography.
Honestly, what’s not to like?
Ignoring the nefarious parts of being a gang, the Valentinos seem relatively laid back and definitely make time for recreation. If you showed them a well-curated selection of Jackass while they were hanging out in a living room, it would be a big hit.
The Valentinos would love the one where Brad Pitt gets kidnapped or when they piss off golfers with an air horn. But anything involving bodily fluids would 100% elicit the phrase “pinche pendejo.”
#4 — The Aldecaldos
One of the oldest nomad groups in Night City, the Aldecaldos are a lovable bunch of ragtag road dogs. Their ethos emphasizes family values — in a non-CPAC way — and they spend many nights hanging out, drinking beer by a bonfire.
The Aldecaldos would fully embrace Jackass. But if Panam was in a mood, she’d probably say something shitty and unplug the tv.
#3 — Animals
Animals are a group of absolute units with a unique love for physical violence. These freaks of nature are often hired muscle and the most-feared bouncers in Night City. In their spare time, they run and compete in illegal fighting rings. In a constant quest for the ultimate pump, they drink their own homemade hormone cocktail called “Juice.”
Shit yeah, these guys would like Jackass. They’re meatheads that fight for fun. Their intense, instantaneous love for Jackass would quickly become detrimental to the people and property around them.
The Animals would completely disregard the little “do not try this at home” disclaimer.
#2 — The Mox
The Mox is a relatively small group consisting of “mostly sex workers, anarchists, punks, and sexual minorities,” according to the Cyberpunk Wiki. As their name implies, they ooze moxie, and they even have their own apparel brand called BITCH.
A bargain at any price.
On the surface, they’d seem bemused by Jackass, but it would quickly become their comfort viewing. The Mox are the kind of folks that would party with the Jackass crew. Rita (the bouncer of Lizzie’s bar) would entertain Johnny Knoxville for hours with stories, and the other guys would unsuccessfully hit on every Mox in the vicinity that wasn’t brandishing a baseball bat.
#1 — Maelstrom
Considered the most dangerous gang in Night City, the Maelstrom is a particularly violent bunch that loves inhaling chemicals and installing excessive chrome in their dome. Besides your standard drug smuggling, the Maelstrom own and operate an exceptionally gnarly death metal club called the Totentanz.
These lunatics would love Jackass. It would run on an endless loop in their venue while they huff dubious substances. Inevitably, one of them would probably be inspired to pull out a cattle prod, and the night would take a dark turn.
I did not expect to ever spend a Saturday in a hotel basement surrounded by people wearing camouflage while a man in an ill-fitting suit stood addressed an audience, bellowing “Make America Great Again!”
That was before I found myself watching the Cosplay Contest at the first-ever MGSCon at the Los Angeles Airport Hilton on July 15th as a man dressed as Senator Armstrong from Metal Gear Rising Revengence took the stage, sandwiched between a Sunny Gurlukovich and a full-sized recreation of the D-Walker portable mech.
Metal Gear has had a rough go of it recently. It has been years since the release of Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain, the last major release in the series, and that game’s contentious development led to the departure of series creator Hideo Kojima from his longtime home at Konami. Kojima went on to form his own independent studio, releasing Death Stranding with the help of Sony, while Metal Gear has laid dormant since the release of Metal Gear Survive in 2018 to middling critical and fan reception. But judging from the energy in the room during the convention, this drought of content has not tempered the passion of the fan community.
Funded via Kickstarter in March 2023, MGSCON was the brainchild of content creator Amanda Lemon and a small team of four. “Amanda really saw how much the community was still around even though there hasn’t been a game released in eight years,” said organizer Joe Vella. “We really wanted to do something to bring that community together.”
The crowd at the convention showed off the breadth of that community. Series veterans who have been online trying to decipher the Metal Gear storyline since the first game’s release mingled with younger fans who just started dipping their toes in this year, while young families attempted to get their babies to look at the camera as they posed for pictures with their favorite voice actors. “It’s not just your average shooting game,” said cosplayer Landon as they stood next to a large customized cardboard box. “There’s a deeper message to the stories.”
If there can be things like an annual Lebowski Fest, there’s definitely room for a Metal Gear Solid convention to grow.
It’s not just the fans who share such a deep bond over these games. Mid-afternoon’s Voice Over Q&A panel took on the energy of a Great British Bake Off finale as cast members from across the series came together to share their genuine love for the series. Starting initially as a conversation between actors Vanessa Marshall (Olga Gurlukovich) and Cam Clarke (Liquid Snake), more and more actors joined the stage as the panel went on (While the Hilton had been warned ahead of time to expect a copious amount of military personnel, even putting up pictures of MGS cosplay in the service corridors so staff would know what to look out for, the lobby cafe clearly wasn’t keeping up with the lunch rush). Halfway through the panel, the telltale sound of an incoming codec transmission revealed an unannounced Zoom appearance by Jennifer Hale (Naomi Hunter) and Solid Snake himself, David Hayter.
The cast comfortably traded jokes back and forth while also speaking candidly about the struggles they face as actors in a field with no residuals whatsoever. Greg Eagles (Grey Fox) spoke passionately about SAG and the WGA’s fight for a fair deal, while Hale said “We’re all boiling frogs” in regards to the disparity between worker and CEO pay across all industries. Many of the panelists thanked Hayter for fighting for higher wages for his fellow actors as the series went on. The crowd was receptive, with several audience questions ending with a call of support to the actors and writers.
So what is it about the series that has made so many people, from casual gamers to professional voice actors, want to throw on a tuxedo or chicken hat and spend the day in an extremely hot function hall? Nitroid, one of the hosts of the Kojima Frequency podcast, says that the community has embraced the series’ silly side, coming together over the deeper themes wrapped in an overcomplicated shell. “People from all over the political spectrum can make an argument that Metal Gear reflects their ideology,” he said.
Vella says the team hasn’t yet discussed the potential of making MGSCON an annual convention, but it’s clear that the affection the community has for the series’s story, characters, and overall weirdness shows no sign of slowing down. Even without the hand of Hideo Kojima guiding the franchise, people still love and care for these games. Vella notes the coincidence that Konami announced a full-on remake of Metal Gear Solid 3 just months before the convention. It remains to be seen if Konami can hold onto those elements that make the series so beloved to these fans, but one thing’s for sure. They’ll be there day one.
Want to know how to find and catch Zorua in Pokemon GO? Then look no further, as we’ve got you covered. Zorua is a dark-type Pokemon from the Unova region that was introduced in 2022. It’s a particularly difficult Pokemon to track down. Fortunately, we’ve got all the ways to subvert and capture it.
Where To Find Zorua In Pokemon GO
Zorua in Pokemon GO is a tricky devil. It spawns in the wild but doesn’t appear as itself. Instead, Zorua will take on the appearance of the trainer’s Buddy Pokemon. This is similar to how Ditto works in the game where upon capture, the screen will say “Oh?” instead of “Gotcha!.” From there the transformation will play out and reveal the sneaky little fox wolf dog thing.
There are a couple of ways to make tracking down Zorua a bit easier. The first is to swap your Buddy to an uncommon, rare, or legendary Pokemon. The reason for this is that these Pokemon will seldom, if ever, spawn in the wild. So, when you see one pop up in the overworld, you know it’s a Zorua.
That same trick also works with setting a shadow or shiny Pokemon as your Buddy. Shadow Pokemon only appear in select raids or upon beating a Team GO Rocket opponent. Shiny Pokemon do not appear on the overworld and only reveal themselves when going to the capture screen. However, if your Buddy is a shiny Pokemon, the hidden Zorua will also take on that appearance.
When you suspect you have a Zorua on the line, make sure to use a Pinap Berry or Silver Pinap Berry to increase the number of candies obtained when capturing the Zorua. It will take 50 candies to evolve into a Zoroark.
Zorua Stats, Moves, and Bonuses
Zorua is a dark-type Pokemon and the bulk of its moves utilize dark attacks. It can learn the flying-type Aerial Ace Charged Attack, but for raw damage output, we recommend Dark Pulse.
Base Stats
Attack: 153
Defense: 78
Stamina: 120
Possible Moves
Fast Attacks:
Feint Attack – Dark – 10 Power
Scratch – Normal – 6 Power
Charged Attacks:
Aerie Ace – Flying – 55 Power
Dark Pulse – Dark – 80 Power
Foul Play – Dark – 70 Power
Elemental Bonuses
Resistant To:
Dark
Ghost
Psychic
Weak To:
Bug
Fairy
Fighting
That’s all there is to spotting and capturing a wild Zorua. If you’re looking to add a contrasting to your roster, check out our guide on evolving a Sylveon!
The Destiny 2 “In the Hot Seat” challenge has arrived with Solstice 2023! It’s summertime and that means all the live service games are rolling out their summer events. Destiny 2 is no exception, with the Solstice event going live with the latest Tuesday update. This event involves completing challenges in order to earn kindling, which is used to upgrade your Solstice armor to really make it stand out. One of these challenges, In the Hot Seat, might be giving you some trouble, so we’re here to help!
How to Unlock “In the Hot Seat” Destiny 2
First of all, make sure you’ve started the event by speaking to Eva Levante. She can be found at the tower, and she’ll be right in front of you if you land at the Courtyard. Follow her quest instructions to receive your Solstice armor, then complete your first run in the EAZ. Once you’ve completed this quest, you’ll gain access to the rest of the event challenges, including “In the Hot Seat.”
In the Hot Seat is an Solstice 2023 event challenge which requires players to “Complete activities on Neptune to earn Silver Leaves.” The description seems pretty straightforward, but not every activity seems to contribute to your progress. Additionally, your progress doesn’t seem to be tied directly to the number of Silver Leaves you earn, so we’ll clear up any confusion.
How to Earn Silver Leaves
On Neptune, there are numerous activities that will earn you Silver Leaves. Through trial and error, we’ve discovered that you can complete Public Events, Lost Sectors, and Strikes to earn progress toward the challenge “In the Hot Seat.” Patrols will not earn you any progress toward the challenge. It’s important to remember that you need to be wearing Solstice Armor in order to earn Silver Leaves for completing activities.
How Much Progress Does Each Activity Grant?
Heroic Public Events and Lost Sectors both grant 10% progress (standard Public Events are only worth 6%, despite giving the same number of Silver Leaves), while the only strike on Neptune, Hypernet Current, awards 30%.
Public Events and Lost Sectors may take less time, but they can also become tedious. Either way, you’re free to mix up exactly how you want to earn the Silver Leaves to complete this challenge. Once it’s complete, you can go into the event card and interact with the challenge to receive your rewards!
Destiny 2 Solstice 2023: In the Hot Seat Rewards
For completing In the Hot Seat you’ll receive 2 Kindling, an enhancement prism, and an event ticket which can be redeemed for further rewards if you upgrade your event card.
The start date of Diablo 4Season 1, also known as Season of the Malignant, is just around the corner! This first season of D4 will be players’ first true taste of Diablo as a live-service game. New quests, new monsters, and a battle pass are among some of the new content that players can expect to get in the first season. However, keep in mind that to play the new content, you’ll want to have cleared the base game’s campaign. You’ll also need to be ready to start a different character to play the game as.
As long as you’ve met this condition, though, read on to find out the D4 Season 1 start time & date!
What Time Does Diablo 4 Season 1 Start?
Season of the Malignant (Season 1) of Diablo 4 will start on July 20 at 10 AM PDT/1 PM PDT. As is to be expected with live service content, this time is the same worldwide. Be ready to log in once that time hits, and cross your fingers that the servers don’t go down. Though, let’s be honest, you’re going to want to keep an eye on the Blizzard Customer Support Twitter account.
Once you get in after the Diablo 4 Season 1 start date, this new update brings plenty of new content to grind through and equipment to earn. This includes Malignant Hearts, a piece of equipment that provides “build-altering bonuses,” and come in both class-specific and class-agnostic forms. You can check out the full list on Blizzard’s official news post. There’s a total of 32 hearts for players to generate and take advantage of.
That’s all you need to know about the Diablo 4 season 1 start date! Get grinding so that you can take advantage of all the new content that’s on its way. Check out our Paragon Glyph guide and Nightmare Sigil guide to be as prepared as possible.
Super Smash Bros. Ultimate has collected a force of famous video game fighters unmatched by any other game. But who cares about the tier lists ranking their powers and tournament viability? Here’s every Smash Bros. character ranked by how likely they are to fall for a big dumb insurance scam.
#86 — Yoshi
Yoshi is the one pulling the insurance scams. He is not falling for his own shit. He is out here pulling scams, committing tax fraud, spitting out eggs, and shoplifting small items that he doesn’t need just for the thrill of it.
#85 — Dr. Mario
This is a doctor we’re talking about here. He’d stop a salesman halfway through their pitch and say, “You and-a me, we’re on the same-a side of this thing!”
#84 — Wario
Wario has been pulling a workers comp scam at his job for the last 20 years, after running shoulder-first into a brick wall on purpose. You’re not gonna trick him with this kinda shit, he practically invented it.
#83 — Pokémon Trainer
I guess I just find it interesting that Professor Oak’s Laboratory “accidentally” went up in flames right after he “gave” a child a charmander — which is basically a living flamethrower. And what’s that? The kid now has ₽100,000 and 400 rare candies? Very interesting indeed.
#82 — Olimar
Similar to Yoshi, Olimar is the one pulling the jobs, not falling for the scams. Ask a Pikmin about working off the clock if you don’t believe us. In fact, for years Olimar’s payroll numbers have been wildly underreported, but he seems to get a free pass in the media because he’s so stinkin’ cute.
#81 — Ganondorf
“Hey, that first payment didn’t go through. Can you just send it agai—” dash attack → up air → neutral air → down air off stage
#80 — Kazuya Mishima
You would have to be literally insane to try to pull a little scammy scam on this evil CEO who can turn into The Devil. Like best case scenario, he kills you in demon form. But if you’re unlucky, he will come after you in CEO form. That’s when you should really be afraid.
#79 — Byleth
Byleth is a teacher, which means they have to be very careful about their money, on account of the fact that they have none.
#78 — Bowser
Bowser rules a whole kingdom and is therefore skeptical of any and all insurance claims. One time he got double billed on his health insurance due to a computer error and he flew to their corporate headquarters in Nashville and burned it to the ground.
#77 — Piranha Plant
Piranha Plant eats people that get close to his property. Especially if they look like solicitors. You can’t even leave junk mail on his porch without getting hit in the face by a cloud of purple poison. Don’t even think about trying to get him to give money for a political candidate.
#76 — Steve
Steve lives out in the woods by himself and is fully self-sufficient. He’s not letting anyone touch his body or his car or his house or his whatever. He’s basically the Unabomber but square.
#75 — Ridley
Ridley is simply too large to fall for an insurance scam.
#74 — Bayonetta
Not gonna happen. The scam artist just gets all tongue tied and Bayonetta calls him a loser, which devastates the guy. He’ll spend the next few years telling anyone that will listen that she was rude to him one time, even though most people doubt his story.
#73 — Jigglypuff
Jigglypuff is part of a network of doctors telling patients they are using anesthesia, but are actually using “sing” to put people to sleep before operations and then charging them far more money.
#72 — Terry
Terry was an orphan that learned to kick ass on the streets to survive. When he was five, a local auto shop used to pay him to go key cars in nearby parking lots. He’s just too street savvy to fall for any bullshit scams, and he’ll probably tear your ass in half if you even try.
#71 — Dark Samus
Hey wait, how is Dark Samus involved in Smash Bros if they were seemingly killed at the end of Metroid Prime 3? My god, Dark Samus is running a whole insurance scam. If she’s in on the take, no way someone else is gonna fleece her.
#70 — Falco Lombardi
If Falco has been arrested no less than three times for driving without insurance, good luck to anyone trying to sell him something that requires an explanation. In fact, anytime the subject of insurance comes up around Falco, he tends to make some dark statement like, “We’re all on borrowed time anyway, why gamble on it?” Jesus, dude.
#69 — Pichu
I’m going to choose to live in a world where no one is a sick enough freak to try and scam Pichu out of money. DO NOT send me examples of people scamming cute little babies out of money, because I do not want to know. Babies don’t even have money.
#68 — Isabelle
Isabelle is the kind of person who has meticulously written down every single expense she has ever paid. If she bought a lollipop in 2003, she has the receipt saved in a file cabinet somewhere. God help whoever tries to scam her.
#67 — Shulk
Shulk is British (do not @ me with the word “Alrest”), so he’s automatically slightly less likely to get tricked into an insurance scam just because he lives in a country with a nationalized healthcare system.
#66 — Corrin
Corrin has seen far, far too much in her time to screw around with some insurance scam. Many snake oil men have attempted to rope Corrin into some hairbrained scheme, only to wind up fighting alongside Corrin. She just has that effect on people.
#65 — Solid Snake
Solid Snake doesn’t believe in insurance. You’d pitch him and then he’d just start going on about how “there’s no such thing as insurance on a battlefield.” Got it Snake. Always such a blast talking to you, dude.
#64 — Rosalina and Luma
Rosalina is like some sort of space goddess or something. She doesn’t have things that you would need insurance for. And because of that, she thinks it’s kind of silly that people complain about having to pay for it. “Health insurance? Why do you need that, silly Luigi? Just use the magic of the stars to heal your wounds!”
#63 — Lucas
More than once, a scammer has thought they had Lucas on the hook, only to see him just kind of wander off after they’ve laid out their whole plan. Not sure if he’s doing it to mess with them or not, but the guys always get really mad, and frankly that rules.
#62 — Sonic
Don’t even try. Sure, you could probably get Sonic to sign up for all sorts of dumb shit, but it’s high risk/high reward. Because if he catches you, get ready for a 20 minute PSA-style speech about how it’s wrong to try to trick people into giving you their money for no reason.
#61 — Marth
Marth’s health insurance company sent him a bogus bill for $500 in the mail and Marth saw right through it. Found a pro bono lawyer and took their ass to court. Dude can slam down-B on anything!
CHICAGO — A local couple who had been getting along fine rediscovered all of the things they hate about each other after playing a single round of a new board game, sources confirm.
“It wouldn’t have been a problem at all if he hadn’t cheated,” said Eliza Ford, referring to her boyfriend’s deceptive-yet-legal strategy that resulted in her defeat. “I told him, like, five times that I didn’t want to play with him if he was going to take it so seriously. I don’t see what would be so bad about letting me win.”
On the contrary, Ford’s boyfriend Tyler Bell noted that he was glad that the couple had finally renewed their long-dormant domestic strife.
“It’s such a relief,” said Bell, who was typing “unbeatable board game strategies” into Google. “I thought we had gotten into some kind of rut where we would just love and understand each other forever, without constantly falling into petty conflicts. I don’t know how to have that kind of relationship. No one in my family is like that. As soon as Eliza agreed to play with me as long as I would take it easy on her, I was looking up YouTube videos about foolproof tactics. I’m just a born winner.”
Phillip Doyle, a mutual friend of the couple who hosts a weekly board game night, said he was flabbergasted when he heard they tried to play a new game.
“I can’t believe they’re still doing that,” said Doyle, who noted that the couple stopped attending his gatherings after their repeated conflicts became too disruptive to the rest of the group. “I was hoping they had stopped showing up because they realized that they just can’t engage in competition, like, at all. They should really try a co-op game or something. That might be the only thing that could save their relationship at this point.”
At press time, the couple had reportedly broken up after taking Doyle’s advice and trying to play Overcooked together.
SEATTLE — Aging gamers were reportedly delighted to see that a new video game called Eldric Quest has accessibility features catered specifically to people their age who do not have enough time to actually play a video game.
“I came back from the office at around 7 p.m. and was so happy to see this mode implemented because holy shit am I tired,” said Jorah Watson, yawning as he looked at his watch to see it was already almost 9:30. “I’m happy I had just enough time to customize my character.”
“It’s really great, because usually I’d hop into a game, get through about half a puzzle, and then the next session, spend my entire gaming hour trying to remember what I did the time before,” he added. “Usually when I finish a video game, it means I just watched a playthrough on TV like it’s a Netflix show.”
The game’s developers said they were happy to help fans connect with the gameplay in a way that suits their needs.
“Usually developers try to shame people into choosing the higher difficulty,” said lead designer Rory Mcgrath. “They do stuff like calling the easiest difficulty ‘baby mommy get my binkie,’ but it turns out that this stuff is actually useful for people who have babies! We’re here for you and we know that being 35 is really really really old, whether you’re willing to admit it or not.”
At press time, Watson admitted that he hadn’t actually touched Eldric Quest in two weeks, though, because his wife really wanted to start watching The Bear instead.
KYOTO, Japan — Gamers were ecstatic to discover that a new video game called Kyoto Sunrise is going to be set in Feudal Japan, according to excited sources.
“Wow. Feudal Japan? That’s crazy!” said Wade Roethlisberger, self-professed expert on Japanese culture. “It’s such a fresh space and setting for video games, I don’t know how more haven’t done it already. I mean sure, there’s Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice and Like a Dragon: Ishin and Ghost of Tsushima and Nioh and Nioh 2 and Monster Hunter: Rise and Trek to Yomi and Okami and Fire Emblem Fates and and the entire Onimusha series and upcoming titles like Path of the Goddess and Rise of the Ronin and Phantom Blade Zero and probably an eventual Ghost Of Tsushima 2 but still! I’m just not bored of it! More shamisen and sakura trees in my life, please!”
Kyoto Sunrise promises to have all the stuff that makes feudal Japan in video games cool, according to game director Ryoma Watanabe.
“Yeah I dunno, there’ll be a bit where a dude puts his sword back in his sheathe and it like, cuts a thousand things or some shit. I’m sure we can letterbox the screen and throw around some gods like Amaterasu or Raijin or whatever all the other ones have done,” Watanabe explained, puffing on a huge cigar.
“We’re really uh, pushing the boundaries I think. This setting, yeah. I mean weirdos — uh, I mean otakus — or, you know, gamers, are gonna love it. You kids like Japanese culture? Very cool, very cool. You’re just like a real samurai!”
Recent teaser trailers have revealed an exciting new feature that’ll “really put you in Japan” in which your character slowly dies sad and alone if they don’t get promoted at their job.
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