Gary Kerls, Author at Hard Drive

Point/Counterpoint: If Starfield Doesn’t Deliver, XBox and Bethesda are TOAST vs. I Am an Adult

Posted on September 1, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

**POINT: If Starfield Doesn’t Deliver, XBox and Bethesda are TOAST**

Oh man, Todd Howard and Bethesda sure are in a corner now aren’t they?! They’ve hyped this game so much as the big console exclusive for the year and now they are F-U-C-K-E-D if this game falls short of expectations. Starfield is supposed to sell systems and Game Pass subscriptions, but it might just end up being the death knell for the crappiest video game console that’s out there. I mean, after Redfall shit the bed, there’s just no room for another misstep. It’s a good thing I ride so hard for Sony, because frankly, this would be a downright embarrassing time to be an Xbox fan.

Oh, and did you see the early reviews? They’re coming in and let me tell you, things are looking BLEAK for Bethesda. I mean, there’s been some 7’s and 8’s coming out for it. Can you believe it? A seven. Really think about that. Their goose is COOKED, I’m telling you. Seven’s man. Damn. Todd Howard is probably going to fucking kill himself. Don’t you think Todd Howard is going to kill himself. I would if I made such buggy video games. So that’s it. It’s a total turkey, and there’s absolutely no way Xbox and Bethesda come back from this one. You won’t convince me otherwise.

COUNTERPOINT: I Am an Adult

I’m sorry, but what now? Do you need help finding your parents? Oh, you poor thing. You must be so scared right now. Let’s go use the store intercom and maybe we can find your mom.

‘One Piece’ Villains Ranked By How Likely They Are To Review Bomb The Netflix Series

Posted on September 1, 2023 by Kevin Podas

Based on the anime and manga of the same name, Netflix’s One Piece has finally been released. And you know what? This live-action adaptation ain’t half bad. Matter of fact, it’s pretty darn good, against all odds. Creator Eiichiro Oda made sure that all of the charm and heart of the original series came through in this new iteration. You’d have to be a real villain to hate on it, so here are the greatest villains from throughout One Piece ranked by how likely they are to review bomb the series.

#20 — Buggy the Clown

Obviously Buggy is going to love the live-action Netflix One Piece. He gets even more screen time than in the source material, and his portrayal by Jeff Ward is a crown jewel of the entire show. Buggy’s an expert at “failing upwards” and there’s no better example of that than a Netflix live-action adaptation actually being watchable.

#19 — Big Mom

There’s nothing that stay-at-home moms love more than binging Netflix. It doesn’t really matter what it is, Big Mom will watch it. Granted she won’t be in the series for quite some time if it gets greenlit for another season (or ten) but you better believe she’s at home right now binging the whole thing along with a tub of chocolate chip ice cream.

#18 — Crocodile

People really misread Crocodile and take him for being a bit of an erudite snob, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Crocodile spends a lot of his downtime watching reality TV, so a Netflix adaptation of One Piece surely wouldn’t be above his taste standards. He even liked that awful Death Note movie they put out a handful of years ago. Remember that? “Normal people scare me”? There’s no way this will miss the mark for him.

#17 — Aokiji

Kuzan, otherwise known as marine admiral Aokiji, claims to have enjoyed the live-action adaptation of One Piece, but can’t remember a single thing about it. He obviously slept through the entire thing and doesn’t want to be embarrassed, so he’ll just keep saying generic statements like “yeah it was good! Loved every episode,” and leave it at that.

#16 — Charlotte Katakuri

Katakuri’s hard-ass exterior only masks his sweet and sensitive interior. You wouldn’t guess it by looking at him, but he cried several times while binging the live-action Netflix series. Oh, you think that’s ridiculous, don’t you? Whatever man, if you watch Sanji’s backstory and don’t feel anything, you’re absolutely heartless.

#15 — Kizaru

This Adam-Sandler-In-Uncut-Gems look alike would watch the live action adaptation of One Piece and like it, but not totally love it. Maybe the CGI was a little too “uncanny valley” for him, maybe there were one too many Garp scenes, I don’t know. He didn’t come away from it offended by it. He just didn’t fully “get” it. And that’s fine. I guess.

#14 — Kaido

Kaido doesn’t care what’s on TV whether it’s Fox News or Netflix. He’s usually passed out in his recliner chair with a beer in hand, and whatever’s on TV just kinda plays endlessly in the background for hours. This so-called “strongest creature on the planet” would rather drown his sorrows in liquor than pay attention to 8 episodes of swashbuckling action packed adventure.

#13 — Alvida

Alvida is the first antagonist in One Piece, and as such, she appears front and center in episode one. She’s more or less what you would call a “tutorial boss” of the series, and is quickly pushed out of the way to make room for more memorable villains and characters. No doubt she’s going to have an issue with that on some level, but appreciates the attention just enough to probably not leave a negative review on Rotten Tomatoes.

#12 — Kuma

Kuma is a man of few words. It’s hard to tell how he feels about much of anything, let alone a live-action adaptation of a long running Japanese manga series. It’s probably just gonna bounce off of him like everything else, and that’s just too bad really.

#11 — Smoker

If season two happens, and knowing Netflix, it could really go either way despite how popular it may be, Smoker knows that his moment to shine is coming soon. He might be disappointed to see so many other Marines get screen time in season one, and think that it messes with the pacing and, well, I’d have to agree. But if he sticks it out, he’ll no doubt be very impressed and get the attention he rightfully deserves.

#10 — Kuro

One of the more forgotten villains from throughout all of One Piece, Kuro will no doubt appreciate his inclusion in this Netflix series, but will maybe feel that sting of knowing that if this series gets popular enough, he’s probably not going to appear again. He might want to see the show “end on a high note” (in his opinion) tragically ending with only one season, but a season that is “Kuro-filled”, at the very least.

#9 — Arlong

I know what you’re thinking. “Why would Arlong even consider review bombing Netflix’s One Piece? He’s got more screen time than you could shake three swords at.” While this is true, Arlong tends to be a bit of a purist. He understands that while this is an adaptation that is meant to fit the storytelling structure of an American television drama a la Game of Thrones, sometimes that can feel a bit forced, and that some of the Arlong “B-plots” might have been a little superfluous. And you know what? He’s not even wrong. Props to him for being unopinionated about this too.

#8 — Rob Lucci

Despite being against piracy in every sense of the word, Rob Lucci pirated the entire first season of One Piece because Netflix turned off password sharing. Previously he was able to watch everything on a joint account with the rest of the Cipher Pol members, so he’s liable to leave a bunch of negative reviews on Rotten Tomatoes just to spite Netflix. But please, Rob, don’t blame One Piece for Netflix’s boneheaded moves. It’s not their fault. All the streaming services are basically evil.

#7 — Caesar Clown

Caesar is going to watch season one of One Piece and be like, “okay, but is there going to be enough ‘clown’ left for me?” Buggy takes up a more significant role in this season, and naturally Caesar is going to worry that it might overshadow his appearance much further down the line if they ever get to it. Then again, who knows if Netflix will even be around by then at this rate.

#6 — Don Krieg

Listen, Don Krieg may not be the most memorable villain from throughout all of One Piece, but my guy really got the shaft here! “Sure,” you may say, “at least he was included at all.” I mean, hardly! Pushing him out of the way in lieu of even more Arlong scenes just felt wrong. And no doubt he’s going to feel he got the shaft here too and take it out by being really toxic on social media.

#5 — Blackbeard

Marshall D. Teach, otherwise known as the dreadful pirate Captain Blackbeard… is an absolute troll. If people like this show, he’s going to review bomb it. If people hate this show, he’s going to sing its praises up on high. It really depends on the general consensus as it comes in over time, but right now people seem to like it quite a bit, so Blackbeard is probably going to hate on it just to be an annoying contrarian.

#4 — Donquixote Doflamingo

If Doflamingo’s Letterboxd account is anything to go by, he is not going to like this series. This kind of stuff is beneath him, quite frankly. A shonen anime adapted into a TV show for a streaming service watched by normies? That’s like poison to his ears. He’s no doubt going to write an ironically detached negative review of it online, and his sycophantic followers will echo his opinion wherever they can.

#3 — Enel

You might not know it by looking at him, but Enel is actually super pro-union. He stands with the actors and writers currently striking on the picket lines, and knows that Netflix has been giving them the raw end of the deal for far, far too long. Knowing that Netflix will profit immensely from this, and that the people who actually made the show will see so little of that money just pisses him off enough that he might make an hour-long video essay titled “Netflix’s One Piece: A Cinematic FAILURE”.

#2 — Akainu

“They made who black?!? That’s it, Netflix has gone woke.” Yeah, we all knew this type of guy was coming. Despite the fact that series creator Eiichiro Oda has publicly stated the ethnicities that many of the characters are based on, and had a heavy hand in who got casted for which role, Akainu will still cry out that it’s liberal propaganda. So you can bet he’s going to negatively review it on every single outlet possible. Even Yelp, for some reason.

#1 — Gecko Moria

“One Piece is unadaptable into live-action!” they cried out. “Netflix should never touch another anime again!” they all said. And yet, Netflix’s One Piece stands triumphant, albeit over a very, very low bar of success. Sure, some of the CGI can look a little “uncanny valley” from time to time, like some of Luffy’s rubber abilities. So with that being said, Gecko Moria is already review bombing this series to high hell, knowing that there is absolutely no way he’s going to look good in live action if they ever get to Thriller Bark. I mean, look at him. How in god’s name is that going to work. He’ll never survive the public embarrassment!

Nintendo Confirms Upcoming Red Switch Represents all the Blood Mario Has Spilled

Posted on September 1, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

REDMOND, Wash. — Earlier this week Nintendo announced a new version of its popular Switch console, an OLED model that is painted red to represent all the blood spilled by Mario throughout the years, sources have confirmed.

“Geez, that’s pretty bleak, don’t you think?” asked local gamer Lori Summers. “And even if that’s the truth, did they need to tell us that? I think we would’ve thought it was because of, you know, Mario and all that. His red hat and everything. Or after that we would’ve just assumed it was a sharp looking color. Not that stuff about all the blood that Mario has personally shed. That’s very surprising to me.”

Nintendo executives defended the controversial decision and announcement.

“Let’s face it, games aren’t just for kids anymore,” said Doug Bowser, in a video uploaded to Nintendo’s social media pages following backlash about the morbid hardware. “Children that grew up playing Mario are now hard working adults that are firmly aware of his willingness to kill. Frankly, it’s part of the character’s appeal. While we know this decision won’t be popular with some gamers, we think it will prove popular enough to make it worthwhile. Also, if you say anything bad about it we will sue you.”

The new red OLED Switch Model that represents all of the blood Mario has spilled will be released in conjunction with this October’s Super Mario Bros Wonder. As of press time, Nintendo had also announced a limited edition Green OLED Nintendo Switch, which represents Luigi’s envy of Mario’s career.

Gamer Completes Tears of the Kingdom “Time To Finish It, I Guess”% Run

Posted on August 31, 2023 by Patrick Sullivan

Local gamer and speedrunner Peter Grantson claimed the world record earlier this week for the ‘Time To Finish It, I Guess’% run in The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom with a record-shattering completion time of 215 hours.

“My hands are still shaking, this is insane,” said Grantson, taking the top of the leaderboard for the category on speedrun.com. “I was about 160 hours in when I thought to myself ‘…This could be the run’. It was like getting hit with a bolt of lightning, and it made the next 55 hours of gently meandering around Hyrule incredibly stressful.”

The leaderboard for ‘Time To Finish It, I Guess’% has been a battlefield recently, as people are finally getting around to finishing Tears of the Kingdom after months of playing. The previous record for the run was 600 hours held by Carlie Merrick, who claimed she could have shaved 18 hours off the run if she didn’t watch Ted Lasso while playing.

“It was a legendary run timewise,” said Tim “xzelda2003x” MacGregor, who was watching Grantson’ livestream of his run during the exciting conclusion. “I never thought they would do it, but they pulled off an amazing frame-perfect tech at the end to skip 2 Sage’s Wills, 65 caves, some stable pictures, the sand shoes, the Zonai paraglider fabric, 6 Lightroots, that one big horse, Tarry Town, half of Addison’s signs, Autobuild, and 700 Koroks. That’s never been done!”

Grantson is currently practicing for a ‘Try To Maybe Get All The Shrines’% run, and is aiming for a first place time of sub-2 years.

UPDATE: Earlier today, Grantson lost the ‘Time To Finish It, I Guess’% record to Joseph Connors, who didn’t realize what was happening at first until suddenly he was fighting the final boss, and was too invested to turn around.

Board Game Night Lasts From 7:00 Until Someone Storms Out In Anger

Posted on August 31, 2023 by Charles Bill

BROOKLINE, Mass. — A weekly board game meetup reportedly lasts from 7:00 PM until the time someone storms out in a furious episode, several sources confirmed.

“Normally it happens around 10:00 to 10:30,” said Julie Portis, who hosts the weekly gathering. “Around 9:00, I like to bring out the board games that really piss people off. Before then we’re just playing Codenames, or Scattergories, stuff everyone likes. Everyone’s feeling good, having a bit to drink. Then I bring out Catan. Suddenly everyone goes from working together guessing words to slitting each other’s throats for a sheep. These fuckers are ruthless. I’ve seen Dave break up with his boyfriend over a single brick. I also dose people’s drinks with PCP to really fire the whole thing up.”

The first to leave this week came at around 10:37, as a man was seen leaving Portis’ home, muttering loudly to himself about how someone named Nathan always hordes resources.

“This game is horseshit!” said chemical engineer and incensed board gamer Peter Thurman. “These guys like to gang up on me, the moment they see that my road won’t be completed in time they encircle me and start starving me of resources. I think they deserved to have their house ransacked and liquor bottles thrown against the wall. I took an upper decker in Julie’s guest bathroom, I hope she never finds it and her parents have to deal with shitty water flowing in when they visit for Thanksgiving. Can’t wait for next week’s game night though. I’ll be here right at seven!”

This sort of discord appears to be intended from the highest echelons of the board game industry.

“Yes. Fight. Fight to the death,” declared Hasbro CEO and secret supervillain Chris Cocks as he watched the board game night through his Palantir. “I was never invited to board game nights as a child. I sat at home, making business plans, masturbating, and studying for my MBA. Now I’ll show them. I’ll show the whole world! Those fools believed us when we told them that board games bring you together. All they do is tear us apart! And this next game will destroy every friendship left. It’s exactly like Risk, but it’s got one of those ‘Board Game Awards’ on the front so these nerds will buy it.”

As of press time, a full-blown fist-fight erupted at the game night when a participant suggested switching to a puzzle.

Kingdom Hearts Fan and Disney Adult Embarrassed to Be Seen With Each Other

Posted on August 31, 2023 by Ben Friedman

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — A family reunion turned contentious after two cousins, one a Kingdom Hearts fan and the other a 34-year-old Disney enthusiast, refused to be seen anywhere near each other after being introduced, sources have confirmed.

“Talk about cringe. While I studied the Keyblade, he was probably shoving children out of the Dumbo ride line ten times a month,” said Brain MacIntosh. “He told me the characters know him personally at Disney, but like, I’m sure they try to make everyone in a state of arrested development feel that way. That doesn’t impress me. Neither does the $900 he bragged about spending on custom mouse ears for his birthday party.”

The Disney-loving cousin, Drew Wallace, insisted that there was nothing shameful about his interests and insisted that it was Brian who should reevaluate his life, due his intense interest in Kingdom Hearts.

“I’m a grown ass adult and I can spend my money however I please, even if that includes monthly trips to the parks alone,” he said. “At least I’m going outside touching the ornately manicured Magic Kingdom grass unlike that weeb. Believe me, I tried to play Kingdom Hearts way back, but I can’t get into anything that requires me checking Wikipedia every three minutes to explain the lore. Maybe when Brian grows up a bit he’ll see that getting a Tinkerbell tattoo is a more level headed decision than playing six different versions of the same game for over a decade.”

Family matriarch Denise Wallace attempted to keep the peace between the two cousins for nearly two hours, despite being at a loss as to why there was any bad blood.

“As far as I’m concerned both of them are disappointing,” she said. “Brian likes Disney games, Drew likes Disney everything, and I have no idea what this Final Fantasy is they keep arguing about. I guess they’re used to just arguing online with strangers and they forget we’re with family today. It’s embarrassing, frankly. Especially in front of the more successful family members here at the reunion.”

As of press time, Brian and Drew eventually settled their differences after banding together to roast their aunt after she arrived at the party wearing a Gryffindor shirt.

20 Planets Bethesda Was Too Cowardly to Include in ‘Starfield’

Posted on August 31, 2023 by Seth Finkelstein

Starfield, Bethesda’s latest RPG promises to take gamers on a tour of a fantastic new galaxy with planets you could only dream about. The company says there are over 1,000 unique biomes and environments to discover. However, I have it on good authority that there are a fair number of worlds the company simply didn’t have the balls to include. Here are 20 planets you shouldn’t expect to see while zooming through space, because Bethesda are cowards, plain and simple.

Planet With a Kick Ass Treehouse

There should be a world where you go up into a sweet treehouse and they’ve got a Bluetooth speaker up there and you can just hang.

A Desert Planet That’s Like Tatooine but Isn’t Tatooine

Half the fun of these games is to pretend you’re in Star Wars and they’ve always got one of these in them.

A Disco Ball Planet Where the 70’s Never Stopped

The party goes allllllllllllllll night on this planet! Equip your +3 Charisma polyester suit and get out on the dance floor.

A Halo From Halo

You’re telling me Bethesda is owned by Microsoft in a chilling example of how consolidation is eating the video game industry alive and we can’t even get a fucking Halo in there to make up for it?

Dinosaur Planet

Let’s get some Rare shit in here too for that matter. Why not?

Planet That Smells Awful

And every few seconds your guy goes “Geez, this place reeks.”

Planet Where All the White People Are Black and All the Black People Are White

Don’t pretend whatever planet in the game is a metaphor for racism will be less subtle than this.

Planet Where I Can Buy a Fucking Sandwich for Lunch for Under $15

And let’s try to do better than Jersey Mikes, okay?

Planet With Not Much Going on Where You Can Chill and Have a Beer

Maybe I don’t want the fate of the galaxy on my shoulders, you ever think of that?

Waterworld: A Live Sea War Spectacular at Universal Studios Hollywood

More planets should actually just be theme park stunt shows based on failed Kevin Costner films.

The Moon

I can’t believe they didn’t put this in the game. If you’re reading this after it’s published maybe they put it in. But I’m playing the game right now and they forgot to put the Moon in. It’s really embarrassing, actually.

Dracula Planet

Come on, give me one planet where a bunch of Draculas are running around going “Bleh! I Vant To Suck Your Blood!” It’d be really spooky.

Planet of the Apes

The old-school version with the guys in the suits. The Andy Serkis ones are already in the game.

Square Planet

It’s square instead of round.

New Vegas

This is just my opinion, but does anyone else think this is the best Fallout game?

Planet Where Everyone Skateboards and Does Sick Kickflips

You should have to enter the Space X-Games to save the Space Rec Center.

A Second Earth

Just plop this one in anywhere, guys. It’s not like anyone would notice.

**Planet Where the Movie Blackhat Was a Hit**

Can you believe Michael Mann is just now getting out of Director Jail? This movie rocks.

Slime Planet

Let’s get gooey.

A Planet Without A Bunch of Shit to Pick Up

Just give me a moment of peace, I’m begging you.

Mario Concerns Gamers by Freezing Midway Through This Morning’s Nintendo Direct

Posted on August 31, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

Mario concerned fans and Nintendo executives this morning after bizarrely freezing halfway through this morning’s Nintendo Direct presentation.

“Mario is fine, he just had too much pasta last night,” said a press release issued by Nintendo immediately following the troubling display during this morning’s showcase of Super Mario Bros. Wonder, the gaming icon’s upcoming game. “While we understand these continued incidents are concerning to gamers, we urge everyone to remember how resilient Mario has been for all these years. Why is it normal if a Dry Bones comes back to life, but if Mario stares into some sort of existential abyss for a few moments everyone panics? It’s completely unfair.”

Some gamers, however, thought there was more to the story.

“They can’t keep trotting him out there like this,” said Joe Miller, a local gamer that was concerned about Mario’s wellbeing. “I’m 40, and that guy has been bouncing off the walls since I was a little kid. Look at him. He’s tired. That was so sad the way Luigi had to walk him out through the start of the stage and finish the demo. No one wants to see that.”

Super Mario Bros. Wonder is slated for release on October 20, possibly sooner if Mario dies.

Comatose Gamer Banned From Pokémon Sleep For Using Exploits

Posted on August 31, 2023 by Alex McMillan

CHICAGO — A comatose patient at Chicago General Hospital received a lifetime ban from Pokemon Sleep, for using exploits, sources have confirmed.

“It has come to light in recent days that some members of staff have been leaving their phones next to comatose patient Sophie Montego’s bed in order to unlock rare creatures in the smartphone game Pokémon Sleep,” read an official statement released by the hospital. “We are extremely disappointed to see a patient being utilised in this way and staff will be disciplined as soon as our internal investigation is concluded. We’d like to offer our utmost apologies to the Montego family at this time.”

An inside source spoke to journalists regarding the incident under the condition of anonymity.

“Obviously things got a bit out of hand” said the anonymous source through a voice modulator on a Zoom call “it was an accident initially, one of the ward doctors left their phone beside her overnight, and in the morning discovered they’d unlocked a shiny Nidorino. Once that happened, all bets were off. Sophiemaxxing became the norm. By the end, the pillow on her bed was just stuffed with phones. Once the Pokémon Company caught wind, they banned Sophie’s account along with any phone in close proximity to hers. It was a dark day.”

The news has left the Montego family shaken since they were made aware earlier this week.

“It’s a very conflicting feeling I have towards the hospital at this point” said Sophie’s mother in an Instagram post earlier today. “Whilst Chicago General has shown blatant malpractice towards my daughter, it has been quite heartening to hear she has been helping the people who are caring for her to catch Polychus and Bulbizards. I can’t say for certain she’d be angry about it. We’ll still be taking legal action, of course.”

The Pokémon Company are aware of the pending litigation, and have ensured Ms. Montego that Sophie will receive a formal apology for the ban in the event that she ever wakes up.

Armored Core 6 New Game Plus Guide: Does AC6 Have NG+?

Posted on August 30, 2023 by Michelle Pereira

Armored Core 6: Fires of Rubicon is proving to be a difficult game even on normal mode, but many players might be wondering if they can ramp things up even further with New Game Plus. This Armored Core 6 guide will show you everything you can do once you dive back into the game for a second and even third playthrough.

Is There A New Game Plus In Armored Core 6?

Yes, there is a New Game+ (NG+) in Armored Core 6, as well as a New Game++ (NG++) and both are available on release day. They are quite different from the regular run and from each other as well, based on certain choices made during the storyline. As a matter of fact, you can only play two-thirds of the 59 missions in your first playthrough, with the rest being locked to subsequent playthroughs.

What Changes In NG+ and NG++ (Armored Core VI)?

In terms of difficulty, you can expect combat encounters to actually be easier than your first run, since you will have the benefit of the advanced endgame weaponry you’ve been unlocking or buying. In NG+, decisions will lead to three new missions being unlocked, and a new ending. NG++ offers even more missions, fourteen in fact, as well as the third and final ending. The new Arena Analysis tab will allow you to access 9 new encounters in NG+, and a further final three in NG++.

How To Start NG+ in Armored Core 6?

No special action is required. Simply beat the game once, and post-endgame credits roll, you will automatically be returned to the point in the story where you’ve just received your callsign i.e. Chapter 1, Mission 1: Illegal Entry, thus allowing you to skip the prologue.

What Carries Over In AC6 New Game Plus?

Everything you’ve accomplished so far is still available to you, including:

Current loadout
All unlocks and saved builds
Accrued COAM
Accumulated OST Chips
Arena progress

That’s all there is to know about the NG+ modes in Armored Core VI: Fires of Rubicon. Be sure to check out our guides on claiming your pre-order bonus DLC and testing out the best early game AC6 build.

POINT: If Starfield Doesn’t Deliver, XBox and Bethesda are TOAST