New Cartoon ‘Alpha Betas’ Explores Fictional World of Gamers Contributing to Society

Posted on March 13, 2021 by Camden Brazile

COLUMBIA, Mo. — In the tradition of groundbreaking science fiction, the upcoming YouTube show Alpha Betas poses a challenging, otherworldly question: what if gamers actually contributed to society even a little bit?

Animated by Starburns Industries and starring popular YouTubers from the Vanoss crew, the show exists in a universe in which video games secretly power the world. Fans were fascinated by the concept of YouTubers exploring high-octane video game environments, utilizing fun gadgets, and most shockingly, making their parents proud.

Popular Twitch.tv streamer Emily Lentz commented on what this inventive story means for the gaming community.

“When I heard about the premise, my mind was like, totally blown. Gamers getting out there and having a positive impact on the world? This is one of those insane ideas that on paper seems infeasible, even paradoxical,” Lentz said. “It took me a while to wrap my head around, but after I watched the trailer a dozen times or so, I started to understand it. A little.”

By pushing the envelope of what’s possible in fiction, Alpha Betas sent shockwaves through online communities, all of them remarkably nonessential to the world.

“All of us real YouTubers were caught totally off guard,” Lentz said. “Someone working on this show threw out the whole playbook on gaming. The idea that the power grid runs on video games? Sure. But we’re on the edges of our seats, waiting to see how someone who games for a living could do one single positive thing for the world.”

Alpha Betas hopes to challenge preconceived notions about how gamers function, creating a dialogue by using a fantastical, “what-if?” scenario of YouTubers not only playing games for money, but using that skill to become a productive member of their community.

“Gamers can barely save themselves, let alone the entire world,” Lentz said. “I can’t wait to see what Alpha Betas will do next after starting off with such a high concept. Who knows? Maybe one of the characters will actually get health insurance from their job, maybe a family member will tell them they understand their career choices, anything is possible!”

This article is sponsored by Alpha Betas. Check out the pilot below!

Twitter Celebrates 15 Years of Jack Dorsey Going Through It

Posted on March 13, 2021 by Andy Holt

SAN FRANCISCO — Twitter reached an important milestone this month, celebrating the 15 consecutive years that founder Jack Dorsey has really been going through some shit.

“Whether he’s showing up to Congress looking like he hasn’t slept, or just giving off the general vibe that he’s having a rough time, one thing has always been consistent: Jack is down pretty bad,” said a spokesperson for the company. “We just want to congratulate him on 15 long years of going through it. Hang in there, buddy.”

Longtime employees reminisced about Dorsey, the billionaire who has taken shifting roles at Twitter over the years because he needed some space to figure stuff out.

“You look back to the early days, and it’s like, wow, that was 15 years ago? Jack looks like it’s been 30,” said programmer Terence Quayle. “So much has changed since those early days, like his nose ring. But plenty of stuff is the same, too, like his hair and the sense that he’s going through a difficult period.”

Twitter has faced harsh criticism from all sides since its founding, but when asked how the controversy has affected Dorsey, sources were reluctant to say.

“You have to think all the angry comments bother him, right? Or maybe he’s over that whole thing. I don’t know,” said Quayle. “All I know for sure is something has been haunting the guy since he founded this website, and no amount of wealth or meditation will be able to expel it. We’ve all been there.”

Dorsey could not be reached for comment, due to some outside stuff that has been taking up a lot of his emotional bandwidth.

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Guy Takes Break from Playing Video Games to Watch Show About Playing Video Games

Posted on March 12, 2021 by Jake Menez

SAN FRANCISCO — Declaring he needed a break from gaming, local man Jason McReady docked his Nintendo Switch and opened YouTube on his PlayStation 4 in order to stream Alpha Betas, a new adult animated series about gamers, sources confirm.

“Honestly, sometimes playing video games feels like work. It’s nice to take a break from gaming and just kick back, relax, and watch some TV or movies about gaming,” McReady said. “Alpha Betas is cool because all the characters are voiced by real YouTubers, which is probably who I would be watching after gaming if I wasn’t watching this. But in the same sense, it’s nice to take a break from watching gamers play video games and just watch those same gamers play video games as cartoon character versions of themselves.”

According to Alpha Betas showrunners Chris Bruno and David Lee, the team specifically wanted to give fans a chance to enjoy their favorite hobby in a slightly different way.

“If there’s one thing I know about gamers, it’s that they love gaming. That’s why we wanted our show to focus on that,” Bruno explained. “Having the four core cast members made up of real gaming personalities lends an authenticity that I think audiences will appreciate. We’d originally wanted six characters, but when you’re looking for YouTubers who are recognizable, likable, and don’t have a history of being openly awful people, it really narrows the playing field.”

“That being said, we’re really happy with the cast we have,” Lee added, “and I’m sure fans will love to continue watching them directly from their YouTube streams onto their YouTube TV show.”

According to those familiar with the situation, McReady plans to watch more episodes of the cartoon when it comes out.

“I’m not one of those guys who only thinks about video games, so I’m always down to watch a new show or movie and take a break from playing,” said McReady. “Some nights I just like to throw on Castlevania on Netflix and scroll on my phone. Check Twitter for news on Final Fantasy XVI or maybe a little Fruit Ninja. Just do something other than gaming once in a while, ya know? I just hope the Alpha Betas guys put out a companion podcast so I have some gaming content to listen to while I grind out some Stardew Valley.”

At press time, McReady was seen opening Pokémon GO on his phone as he stepped out “for some fresh air instead of watching a screen.”

This article is sponsored by Alpha Betas. Check out the trailer below!

Pandemic to Auto-Renew on March 12th

Posted on March 12, 2021 by Chandler Dean

EARTH — The entire world was devastated to learn Friday that, because of a general oversight on humanity’s part, the COVID-19 pandemic is going to auto-renew for another year on March 12, 2021.

“There’s no better way to say it: as a planet, we really biffed this,” said Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, and the one guy who noticed the auto-renewal was happening just as the transaction began processing. “Total slip-up. Global whoopsy. International brain fart. We probably can’t cancel it, at this point but we’ll just have to remember next year.”

Dr. Fauci went on to explain how the “Coronavirus Disease 2019” line item managed to slip past our society for a full 12 months.

“This time last year, many people assumed that the pandemic would be little more than a month-long trial,” Fauci recalled. “But then, evidently, we all got distracted, moved on with our lives, let it fall to the back of our minds, and boom — we’re saddled with another $1.9 trillion bill, and another year of unlimited access to the novel coronavirus.”

Biden administration officials assured the public that this would be the final time the pandemic would auto-renew. The White House has reportedly been in contact with Pfizer customer service to end the subscription earlier, if possible, but the refund policy is unclear.

“To be frank, if we had different leadership this time last year, we may never have signed up for SARS-CoV-2 in the first place,” said Dr. Rachel Levine, President Biden’s Assistant Secretary for Health nominee. “That’s just a sus-looking item to have on your billing statement anyway.”

When asked what the average person can do to prevent the pandemic from auto-renewing in the future, Levine repeated the same guidelines that have been in place for the last year: wear a mask, maintain six feet of social distance, and avoid large gatherings.

“But also,” she added, “it couldn’t hurt to put a sticky note above your computer that says something like ‘END PANDEMIC’ or ‘UNSUB COVID,’ just so that it remains top of mind.”

At press time, to make sure that mankind doesn’t forget again, the CDC sent a Google Calendar reminder to all 7.8 billion people on Earth titled “CANCEL CORONAVIRUS AND PARAMOUNT+” for March 12, 2022.

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Twitch Updates Harassment Policy to Foster Creation of New, More Inventive Slurs

Posted on March 11, 2021 by Kevin Flynn

SAN FRANCISCO — Following a string of community controversies, the popular gaming website Twitch unveiled a new harassment policy aimed at cultivating the development of new, more inventive slurs, the company announced from its headquarters today.

“Since 2011, Twitch has been the premier destination on the internet for the incubation of online gaming toxicity,” said CEO Emmett Shear in a statement. “However, we’ve recently observed that our harassment policy has become outdated. That’s why we’re excited to unveil these new policies to help foster the development of the next generation of hate speech. Our community knows exactly how to sidestep our rules, and we’re confident that these changes will inspire and motivate them to create wildly inventive new toxic memes and dog whistles that none of us could possibly imagine today.”

Some Twitch users believe that the new rules, while restrictive, will ultimately have a positive impact for the community.

“Apparently they banned the words ‘simp’ and ‘virgin’ in chat, which is really a bummer,” said a Twitch user who asked to remain anonymous to avoid being banned. “But I’m not going to let this stop me. I’m just going to have to come up with even more cryptic phrases to sneak my horrible thoughts into the streams that I frequent. And who knows? Even if the mods catch on, me and my friends will probably have at least six months to spam these new phrases all over Twitch before they add to their list of forbidden words again. Circle of life!”

At press time, a new viral Twitter thread was urging Twitch to ban a dozen new hateful phrases that had sprung up since their announcement.

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Dorian Gray Sells One-of-a-Kind Portrait as NFT

Posted on March 10, 2021 by Kevin Flynn

LONDON — Handsome young socialite Dorian Gray announced today that he’ll be distributing the digital rights to a one-of-a-kind portrait of himself as a non-fungible token, or NFT, sources confirmed earlier today.

The portrait, painted by the artist Basil Hallward, which “depicts [Mr. Gray] as he truly is,” will be digitized and sold as an NFT at auction with a starting price of $1 million. Although it may seem at first glance like the piece is simply a static image file, Mr. Gray has said that it is actually an extremely slow-speed animation that the owner will be able to exclusively witness as the portrait transforms over time.

“After Basil painted me, I was so inspired by it that I pledged my soul to whatever Earthly force could let me stay as young and beautiful as I am in the image,” said Mr. Gray. “Now thanks to the revolutionary NFT marketplace, my preserved likeness will transcend the physical world and stay as young and as vibrant as it is today, being circulated on the internet for years to come. Plus, with the proceeds, I’ll be able to fully commit myself to pursuing a life of hedonism and debauchery, which will lead to some very interesting changes to the picture later on. No spoilers, but you’re not going to want to miss out on the once in a lifetime chance to own this!”

At press time, Mr. Gray reassured detractors that his NFT portrait would also offset its own carbon footprint by slowly destroying itself instead of the environment.

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America Unsure If Pandemic Is One of Those Scripted Fights You’re Supposed to Lose

Posted on March 9, 2021 by Kevin Flynn

WASHINGTON — As the infection rates and death counts throughout the nation continue to slowly creep upwards, citizens throughout the United States have begun to collectively wonder whether the coronavirus pandemic is one of those scripted fights that you’re supposed to lose.

“Things have been so hard for so long, I’m just starting to think this is one of those classic situations where you’re supposed to keep taking damage until you’re within an inch of life and then suddenly there’s some divine intervention that saves you and moves the story along,” said local man Ryan Wassinger, haphazardly eating indoors at a restaurant without using any hand sanitizer first. “After I saw that Texas is opening back up to 100%, it made me think they must be trying to speed up the process. Makes sense, in these situations you want to get close to death as quickly as possible.”

Others agreed that the seemingly insurmountable odds of the nation’s pandemic response has all the trappings of an impossible-to-beat boss fight.

“This is just like Mega Man X when you have to fight Vile in the first stage,” said Louis Cole while confidently throwing away face masks he was certain he wouldn’t need any more. “It’s like, hang on, I’m supposed to beat this huge scary guy piloting a giant fighting robot suit? And he’s shooting these huge bullets at me in between punching me with his giant robot arms? But of course, when you get down to 1 HP, your friend Zero comes in and saves the day. That’s the exact same thing that’s happening with the pandemic. Once we’re all sick, I’m sure Zero will come and save us like he always does.”

At press time, Americans started to second-guess the scripted fight theory after realizing that being incorrect could mean accidentally triggering a game over.

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The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on March 8, 2021 by Owen Crowlie

Welcome to our weekly comment roundup, featuring only the finest in snappy response-based internet comedy. Each of these curated comments are appraised by Shitpost Experts with 200k followers (minimum) and are tested for topical freshness. They pair nicely with a Code Red, or if you are especially rich-blooded, a Crystal Pepsi. I will be your steward tonight, so allow me to show you our selection…

Plastic Surgeon: “So what kind of look are you hoping for?”

Furry: “Like I’m the OC of someone who can’t draw hands.”

Surgeon: “Ah, right then. Now let’s discuss payment…”

Furry: “Payment? Listen, the exposure I’m going to be giving you will bring in LOTS of customers! I’m very popular.”

Bug fixes for v. 1.03:

Fixed Dad looping shame animation after failing to make a basketball throw.
“Lecture” gives buff as intended instead of incurring negative status effects.
Dad is no longer able to detect you playing your Switch after bedtime through walls.
Dad will no longer give “Ask your mother” dialogue if divorced.
Dad can no longer be simultaneously angry and disappointed.

He was actually in the original cut of the film, but people in the lower right of the theater kept jumping up and punching the screen so he had to be cut out.

I was going to be a nitpicker and point out that you said he’s both in hell and a better place, but then I thought about it more and realized you were right. At least he’s finally safe from SEGA. For now.

We wouldn’t let these through on The Onion either, because it’s solid gold we want all to ourselves, baby.

Thank you so much for your comments, everybody. Remember, if you want a chance to be in next week’s column, be sure to leave a funny comment on any of our posts on social media!

We Rank The Two Shirts You Wore During 2020

Posted on March 7, 2021 by Tyler Simpson

From the non-stop wildfires in Australia to the garbage fires in Cyberpunk 2077, 2020 will go down as one of the worst years in recent history. Though it was a hard time for most of us, there was one group in particular that struggled to protect us and comfort us. These heroes were on the front line every day, fighting with all their might against multiple crises. Of course, I’m talking about the two shirts you wore during 2020.

From mustard stains, fluctuations in weight, and multiple days in a row of “forgetting” to put on deodorant, these shirts withstood every trial in their path to cover your nipples during Zoom meetings and keep you cozy while you doomscrolled on Twitter.

Here are the top 2 shirts you wore during 2020.

2 – That One XL Shirt Your Mom Got You That Says “I’ll Always Be Mom’s Li’l Angel”

You swore you’d never wear this shirt. It was huge, tacky, and slightly oedipal. It sat there, wasting away in your donation pile. Then quarantine struck. Against all odds, this shirt found its way on to your torso and has almost never left it since.

This shirt has done everything. It kept you warm (but not too warm), it fit easily under a hoodie when you needed to appear on a video call, and it covered your butt and genitals, enabling you to Donald Duck your way around the living room with the blinds open. It would be the number one shirt if not for…

1 – Hard Drive’s Sega Bass Fishing Tee

Some would say this isn’t just your top shirt of 2020, but that it’s everyone’s top shirt of 2020. It’s comfortable enough to lounge in but sleek enough that you don’t feel like a total dork the one time you go out in public every 3 months. The people that didn’t wear this shirt in 2020 were worse off for it. But fear not, you can rectify that situation and salvage the rest of 2021 by purchasing it here: https://shop.thehardtimes.net/products/sega-bass-fishing-tee

Former Cards Against Humanity Writer Keeps Pitching ‘Cum Goblin’ to Wizards of the Coast

Posted on March 6, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

RENTON, Wash. — Former Cards Against Humanity writer Marc Weaver has reportedly frustrated his new coworkers at Magic: the Gathering after repeatedly pitching his idea for a “cum goblin” card to be added to the newest set, according to those familiar with the situation.

“I’m a guy who writes cards. It’s what I do! I know that Wizards of the Coast hired me because of my background and experience, and after years working for Cards Against Humanity, I know what kind of cards pack a punch. That’s what I wanted to make a splash — pun absolutely intended — with a big cum joke,” Weaver explained. “And I did my research! Cum goblin would have fit perfectly into their whole new set, which is some fantasy thing or whatever that I’m sure has goblins.”

Clare Bird, the writer at Wizards of the Coast who hired Weaver, says that she hopes they can find a way for him to fit in with the team more.

“I was just hoping to get some new ideas in the writers room. I didn’t really know what Cards Against Humanity is, but I figured having experience writing cards would be good, especially if it has some sort of battle system. Now I know that ‘Against Humanity’ just means filling in blanks with the word ‘AIDS,’” Bird said. “That being said, the guy has some OK ideas! His idea for a land card called Bog of Dead Babies was a bit much, but we ended up using the evil bog idea in the end. And you know what? Maybe we’ll even include just a normal, non-cum goblin!”

Weaver, however, has not been deterred by his co-workers telling him “no.”

“I’ve got the whole thing planned out. We can have a whole cum tribe, where all the cum creatures boost each other,” Weaver said. “You gotta watch out for their effect, though: sticky. Sticky is when a cum-goblin, or any other cum creature, be it a cum-orc, cum-troll, or cum-quat, gets cum on your creatures. This slows them down, making it impossible for them to defend incoming attacks for two turns. Obviously this all fits nicely into a mono-white deck.”

Despite Weaver’s issues at his new job, he’s reportedly still doing better than a former Magic employee desperately trying to understand why the other Cards Against Humanity writers are telling him there’s no way to make a funny joke out of his idea for a card called Groth’rar the Executor.

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2 – That One XL Shirt Your Mom Got You That Says “I’ll Always Be Mom’s Li’l Angel”

1 – Hard Drive’s Sega Bass Fishing Tee

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